


A new variable

by Alythe, is_that_charlie_scene



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Because every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain, Bullying, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, Mentions of self-harm, POV Jim Moriarty, Torture, Violence, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2017-11-25 05:38:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 128
Words: 226,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alythe/pseuds/Alythe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/is_that_charlie_scene/pseuds/is_that_charlie_scene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Controlling people’s behaviour was the only thing that made school bearable, but, after a while, it had became boring and predictable, too. Until a new student arrived, in the middle of the term, and the game suddenly became interesting. It was suposed to be a game, it was suposed to be fun. It wasn’t suposed to affect him. But not even Jim Moriarty could control all the variables.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tearmyheartopentofeel](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tearmyheartopentofeel).



 

Jim was bored. He was always bored, but the last few days had been extremely dull.  
 Sebastian had been dating Mary, and that made things boring for Jim. So he had talked to her, told her that he would make her secret public if she didn't cheat on him. Jim had nothing on her (she was extremely dull), but she had paled when he had mentioned a secret, so there was _something_ she was ashamed of. There was always something. It had worked, but Sebastian hadn't noticed yet. He would, soon. But Jim couldn't be the one telling him. So he had to wait. And waiting was tedious.  
  
There was a new student, who had arrived in the middle of the term. That could be interesting. He hadn't seen him yet, but he had heard things about him. How he talked about things that he wasn't supposed to know, how he had to be prying in order to know them. They were idiots, and maybe, _only maybe_ , that new boy had the intelligence to observe people. That would be indeed interesting. He arrived to his maths class early, and heard people shouting inside.   
  
 “...but it’s obvious you don’t like her” A deep voice Jim didn't know. It had to be the new boy. “Obvious? So you've been spying on me?” Angry and aggressive. That was Michael.  
Then he heard the noises of a fight, and entered the room. The new boy, Sherlock, was kneeling on the floor, his hands on his chest and an expression of pain on his face. Michael was extremely angry, and was being grabbed by two boys who had clearly stopped the fight. _Not a fight, a beating._ This was new, usually Michael was a sensible person. What had Sherlock told him to anger him this much? He had to find out more about him. Slowly, he walked towards Michael, and, looking him in the eyes, he said, in a soft and controlled voice “Michael, calm down. We are not children here, fighting about stupid things” Then he smiled, and waited for him to obey.  
Michael had been easy. He was gay and didn't want anybody to know. And Sherlock had seen that too. _Fascinating_.  
He turned his back on Michael, not doubting for a minute that he will obey, and extended a hand towards Sherlock, his face a carefully composed expression of worry.“Are you okay?” Sherlock nodded and got up slow and painfully, ignoring his hand. So he wasn't used to accepting or receiving help.  
Anyway, Sherlock would have to do something extremely stupid to be targeted again, because it would mean defying Jim. After that he didn't talk to him for two days. In that time he researched him. Fourteen different schools, five in the last two years. And there had been an incident last year, he had blown down the laboratory and had been expelled. His family information was classified and he couldn't find out much about them, but, for what he had observed he lived alone and wasn't close to his family. He observed him in the classes they shared, maths and chemistry. Clever, and clearly bored. It had to be him who noticed what was happening with Mary and Sebastian. And of course he had no idea of how inappropriate it was to say it. Jim stood with everybody else, holding Molly, and watching how Sebastian beat Sherlock for telling the truth.  
He did nothing, because the person he was when he was with Molly wouldn't interfere. He wiped her tears with his hand, softly, and played his role. It was necessary.  
Sherlock was being held and couldn't do anything.

Jim waited until it was clear this was getting out of control, and moved slightly so he was in front of Sebastian. He shook his head, making sure only Sebastian would see. In that moment Sebastian told his friends to release Sherlock and left. Good.

  
Later that day he saw Sherlock leaving with John Watson. John had been fun for a while, but he was broken now, and playing with him had became boring, it was too easy. And they were walking close. There was attraction there, and that was definitely something he could use. Sebastian was still angry. It was ridiculous, he should be angry with Mary (and they had broken up, so it had worked), but instead he was angry with Sherlock.

  
The following day when Sherlock entered the laboratory for their chemistry class, he saw Sebastian tense. And Sherlock was frightened indeed, but instead of looking at Sebastian, he was looking at Jim. Interesting. He wondered what Johnny had told him. But the class was about to start, and he wanted this to be private. So he put his hand on Sebastian’s arm, and said “Later, Seb”, as he looked at Sherlock with a smile. Sebastian did as he was told, obviously (not because he had something on him, but because he had helped him solving a little problem, and now he was loyal. Boring, but useful). He observed Sherlock the whole hour, noticing how he grew increasingly nervous. Oh, this was going to be fun. He thought of the best way to get to Sherlock. He had found out some interesting information about his past, but...Johnny. He had noticed what was going on with Johnny, with his father. Johnny had been fun for a while. He saw the clear signs of abuse (and he refused to think about how he knew those. The past was long gone and buried. _Two feet under the ground_ ). He saw the guilt, and the shame. He saw the scars on his wrists. Oh, it had been so easy. He had played with his shame, threatening to tell everybody about how he had seduced his father. It had worked beautifully, because some part of John felt guilt about what had happened to him, which was stupid, but that was ordinary people for you. _Stupid and sentimental._ So he used the threat to make him cut himself, to make him carve on his skin the words he called himself (and that was easy to deduce, too). After that, John had been broken. Too broken to be fun any more. And Jim knew too much about him, so he would never dare to oppose him.So...how could it be useful to deal with Sherlock? He had noticed John’s pain, and seen the signs of abuse, had seen how broken John was. Maybe he was broken, too? He remembered the haunted look in his eyes. Not broken, not yet, but _close._ That was it. It would be so much fun to break him..... He gave instructions to Sebastian, and, before lunch, he was in an empty classroom, Sherlock in front of him being held by Sebastian. He took his time to study him, and noticed the faint scars on his wrist. Excellent. He controlled his face, keeping it free of any emotion, and looked him in the eyes. Then he started talking, always keeping his eyes fixed on him. "You are pathetic. I thought you might be interesting, but you are _broken_ , you are _boring_ " He saw how the words got to him, how they affected the boy. He hid a smile, this was definitely going to be fun. He walked towards Sherlock, and touched his cheek softly. Sherlock’s body tensed at the touch, and that was a beautiful sight. He smiled, his cold smile that didn't reach his eyes, and added "Anyway, I'm sure I can find a way of having fun with you. Come, Seb. See you later, Sherlock" Then he left the room.

  
Now he had to wait for the words to work. After lunch, he went to the bathroom of the third level, which was broken and locked. He opened it with a key and entered. Then he texted Sebastian to bring Sherlock here. Soon after that, the door opened and Sherlock entered, Sebastian waiting outside as Jim had told him to. He smiled and looked at him, observing every detail. Then Sherlock started talking, telling him his whole life: about his family, about how he controlled people, about the boredom, and how this was just a game for him. Sherlock could observe, oh, this was _brilliant_. He laughed, because there was so much he hadn't seen, and because now the game would be much better now. “Very good, Sherlock. I am bored indeed. I was planning to play with Johnny, but...if you are interesting enough, I might play with you instead” He saw him pale slightly at the mention of John. _Perfect.  
_ He was still smiling, because he could see how it affected Sherlock. “Oh, I know about you and Johnny. I see how you look at him, how he looks at you. And I know you. Alone, because nobody can put up with you. You’d better take care of Johnny before he leaves”. Then he told him everything he had observed about him, and, judging by his expression, he had been right about everything. “What about a deal, Sherlock? I want you to take your blade” He saw his surprised expression, and his smile broadened. “ Oh, I know you have one somewhere, your kind always does. So take it, and make...let's say....five parallel cuts on your forearm. Nice and parallel, remember. And deep enough to leave a mark. If you don't do it, I'll do it to him. And it would be a pity, he is struggling so hard...” He saw how Sherlock looked for a way out, and how he slowly realised that there was none, and surrendered to him. _It was magnificent_.

Then Sherlock looked at him, and nodded. They had a deal. Jim saw how Sherlock took his blade (of course he was wearing one) and rolled up his sleeve. It allowed Jim to see the arm covered in scars, but old ones, at least a year and a half, maybe more. And there was two drawings of butterflies, one clearly made by Sherlock himself, almost faded, and another made by another hand. John’s? Probably. Oh, this was perfect. It would break both of them. He saw Sherlock’s expression as he made the cuts with a steady hand. Pleasure and guilt. Oh, he could use that. Then he looked at Jim, who smiled and offering him the bandages he had prepared. Jim observed how he took them and applied them with movements which showed practice. Beautiful. Now, the final touch, something to break Johnny too and put a distance among them. “Oh, and I wouldn't tell Johnny about this, we don't want him to play the hero, do we? The deal is on for a week. See you, Sherlock".  
He left the room feeling alive for the first time in a long time. Sherlock was going to be interesting.

He didn't approach him again, honouring his deal, observing how he grew closer and closer to Johnny, and how he was becoming paler, his shoulders more tense. He had told Johnny about the deal, but it had clearly affected them both. And now they were living together because of what had happened with Johnny’s father. He saw them become a couple, and how Sherlock struggled with the need to cut. How that triggered Johnny too. And then something happened, because they didn't come back for the rest of the week. John’s father again, surely. If Sherlock had told Johnny about the deal, he would have made him get rid of the blade, so he brought one for him. Exactly like the one he had owned, to make it more tempting. He chose the box carefully. Red, the colour of blood. Perfect. Now, he needed something to break their bond. And he had an idea that might work....

  
On Monday they were back, just in time for his next deal. In order to prepare Sherlock, making him expectant and anxious, he met him before the first class. Then he smiled at him, and said, in a sweet tone “Come to see me before lunch. You know where". He saw the signs of anxiety on him, almost to the point of panic. John wasn't with him, he noticed. Hadn't been since they had arrived together. Had they fight? Interesting. He left to let Sherlock worry about what was going to happen. He was waiting for Sherlock to come, Sebastian at the door, revising the plan in his mind. A kiss. Sherlock would feel guilty and ashamed. But before he could make Sherlock doubt Johnny. That would be fun, too. When Sherlock arrived, he seemed about to break. His face told him of sleepless nights, of fear and worry. He was thinner and pale. Perfect. He stood in front of Jim, with a defiant expression, but Jim could see the weakness and fear behind him. When he spoke, his voice was cold. “What do you want?” Interesting.  
Sherlock seemed resigned to the deals, accepting them, and wanted it to be over as fast as possible. That wouldn't do. So he waited three whole minutes before speaking. “So...was it worth it? All the suffering you've experienced this week, your futile attempts to be normal...only to protect him. Oh, Sherlock, you are too easy”. He wanted him doubting John, to make them mistrust each other. He saw how the words reached him, but he was still trying to look defiant. Not enough. When Sherlock talked again, it was only to repeat the same question “What do you want?” Jim came closer, always looking at him. “Did he even thank you? Oh, don’t look at me that way, of course you told him. You told him everything, and...how much did he told you? I could tell you so many things about Johnny...”

  
That was better. Sherlock was starting to doubt, to listen to him. Still not enough. He had heard about what had happened. John skipping five days wasn't precisely subtle “I'm sure you took care of him, all these days. The perfect boyfriend, nursing him. How sweet. Tell me, Sherlock, why did you enter the school alone this morning? And...when was the last time John kissed you?” That had worked, he noticed. Of course John wouldn't want to kiss Sherlock (or anybody) after the incident. But the truth could be so easily twisted...He saw the tension growing in Sherlock, as he repeated, once more “What do you want?” The moment was perfect. Sherlock was tense, worried, doubting Johnny. He moved a step closer, invading his personal space, and the tension increased. He smiled again “Don’t be so tense, Sherlock. What do I want? Let me think about it. For one more week of protection, I want...” He paused, and touched his cheek; Sherlock moved a step back, and Jim laughed. ”...a kiss. Do we have a deal?” He saw him pondering it, and waited.  
For this to work, it had to be Sherlock’s decision, so he would feel more guilty about it. Finally, he replied in a whisper, “ _Deal_ ”, and, without waiting, Jim kissed him. It was supposed to feel good enough for Sherlock to be ashamed afterwards, so he did his best (and his best was very good).  
And then...Sherlock was kissing him back with the same intensity, and he forgot about the plan, about everything. It only lasted some seconds, and then Sherlock moved away, his breathing fast and uneven. “You...you have had y.. your kiss”, he stammered. Jim tried to hide his shock, and managed to put the same cold and controlled smile on his face. He hoped Sherlock hadn't noticed. “A deal is a deal. See you next week” He had to get out of here, and have some time to analyse this. He started walking towards the door, but then he remember the blade, and paused, handing him the red box. ”A little present for when you think about me”, he added, before leaving.

He went to the cafeteria and sat in a corner, waiting for Sherlock to come. He wanted to observe his reactions. When he came in their eyes met, and Sherlock blushed and looked down. Then he said something to Johnny, who kissed his cheek. That was _wrong._ He was surprised at the intensity of the emotion, and controlled himself. He would break them up, and he would enjoy it.

He observed as Sherlock walked to a table, and sat, waiting for Johnny. Their eyes meet again, and, like before, Sherlock blushed and looked down. He didn't look up until Johnny returned. He saw them talking, and noticed the tension in Sherlock. Good. He kept observing them, and, suddenly, Sherlock got up and left the room. Strange. 

   
They had a class together afterwards. Maths. Jim entered the classroom and sat in his usual place. Then he looked at the boy next to him. William. “Leave”, he said without raising his voice. William nodded and sat in Sherlock’s seat, which was the only one empty. When Sherlock arrived, he had no choice but to sit besides him. He didn't talk to him, but me made sure to brush his elbow with his on two occasions. Sherlock tensed at each contact. He kept looking at him, and Sherlock looked too, almost constantly. _Interesting. Definitely_. 


	2. Chapter 2

They had a test at the end of the class. It was meant to pair them off for a project, and it was ridiculously easy. He finished it before everybody, gave it to the teacher. He left, observing Sherlock on his way out; he was almost finished the exam. They would end up working together, which slotted into Jim's plans perfectly.

He shared his last class with Molly. Biology. She had been easy, only wanting to be noticed. And that relationship had proved quite useful helping him to control Greg, who had been in love with her for years. Now Greg did everything he told him, for Molly’s sake. Besides she had proved to be surprisingly competent and not bad company. He spent the afternoon with her; he didn't particularly like the persona he was with her, but, again, it couldn't be helped. She was useful, and would never be with the real him. So, once more, he pretended to be somebody else in order to control her. 

Later that day he went back home. As late as he could manage; he hated it there. Since his father had...gone, it wasn't so bad, but his mother had never fully recovered, and most days didn't even recognise him. And that stupid nurse was always prying and trying to control him. Like every day, he locked himself inside his room, and started his computer, looking for information.

Information was power. But today he found it very difficult to focus. That kiss had...surprised him. More than that. It had felt good, better than good. Better than any other kiss he had received. He started playing the scene in his mind one time after another, looking for an explanation, but found none. There was something about Sherlock, something different. And...something else. He had seen him, truly seen him. No need to hide from him, he already knew. It was absolutely irrational, but the mere idea of being able of being himself around other people was...new, and tempting. Maybe too much. He almost regretted having given him the blade. But...that look in his eyes, when he had accepted the deals, and surrendered to him....that had been almost as sweet as the kiss. He had to find a balance, uncontrolled emotions were dangerous. 

That night he dreamed about Sherlock. In his dreams, he didn't stop kissing him. In his dreams, they worked together, and the game was interesting. In his dreams,everybody feared them, and it was magnificent. In his dreams, it was perfect. 

*****

When he arrived to the school the following day, he waited at the entrance. He wanted to observe them; Sherlock had probably told John about the kiss, and he wanted to see the effects of that revelation on them.

Finally the car arrived, and John left first, alone and clearly distressed. His face showed pain, helplessness. He seemed about to break. He walked fast, staring at the floor. His clothes were different from the usual ones he wore. Good fabric, expensive. Sherlock’s? No, he was thinner than John. Maybe his brother’s. He smiled at the thought; Sherlock giving him the clothes, and, after that, telling him about the kiss. It was obvious that they had fought. Oh, he was starting to enjoy this. Maybe too much.

In that moment Sherlock got out of the car. He got a glimpse of his face -guilt, pain, tension- before he hid it behind a mask of indifference. He was good. Not as good as Jim himself, but almost. His smile broadened. And then Sherlock looked up, met his eyes, and blushed. He felt the power he had over Sherlock, the way he reacted to his presence. Absolutely perfect. 

Still smiling, he walked towards his class.

When he entered the room, Johnny was already there, and he “accidentally” touched his arm as he walked towards his seat. John didn’t move or look up, but flinched at the contact.

Later that day, he had chemistry with Sherlock, and again, they sat together. It seemed that people had got the idea, and he didn’t even need to remind them. He did the same as before, casually touching him very now and then, and noticing how the boy reacted every single time. He had to do this slow and carefully, so he didn’t look at him at all. Johnny had a violent vein, deep down, and he wondered what would take to awake it. 

He kept observing them at lunch. There was something different, a distance between them that hadn’t been there before. A tension, so strong that was almost visible. They didn’t touch a single time. They were talking, and didn’t seem to be angry to each other, but something was clearly wrong. The plan was working nicely.  
John left after placing a kiss on Sherlock’s cheek, which only seemed to confuse the boy. And then he tensed, and looked up, directly at Jim’s eyes as if he knew he had been watching. Jim needed all his self-control to keep his face blank. 

And then John came back, and they started talking again; the tension left their bodies, they relaxed, and Sherlock even smiled. This was going to be a challenge, but...easy things were boring. He starting planning ahead what to do, when Sherlock looked at him again, and blushed. He couldn’t help a smile at that. And then it became even better, when John looked at him and his expression changed. Jealously, fear, hate. It was simply brilliant.   
They started talking again, Sherlock’s cheeks still red. The timing seemed too perfect, so he stood and walked towards them. This was fun. Every time Sherlock looked at him he blushed and Johnny tensed. 

He approached their table, a smile on his face. "Johnny! I see you are recovered from your...illness"he said, starting walking away. Then, broadening his smile, he added "And, Sherlock, I look forward to working with you in the maths' project" Perfect.

He left the room analysing their reactions. John’s eyes had narrowed, and he could see clearly the fear and rage he was hiding. And Sherlock...he had been...interested. Oh, and guilty too, but he could work with guilt. It was a powerful motivation.


	3. Chapter 3

At this point everybody had understood that Sherlock was Jim's, and nobody would dare to touch him. He didn’t need to do or say anything else; there were very few people at school he couldn’t control one way or another. Sherlock would be safe. They had a deal, after all, and Jim always honored his deals. Just as a precaution, he told Sebastian to watch over him in the classes they shared. He didn’t liked it, but Jim knew he would do it anyway.

He spent the rest of the classes analysing Serlock and John’s behaviour. He thought about what he knew about them, about what he had observed, and, slowly, created a mental image of what had happened. After Jim’s kiss, Sherlock had wanted more of Johhny, and, of course, Johnny had been unable to give it to him. Boring and predictable, but he could use it.

He decided to wait for them outside the school, and try a little experiment. When they walked out of the building, holding hands again and looking each other in the eyes, he walked towards Sherlock, pretending to be using his phone, and bumped into him violently. He fell down, and Jim exended his hand towards him, putting a worried expression on his face.  
"Are you okay?"  
Sherlock didn't reply, but he took his hand, and....how perfect. He was blushing again. Jim helped him to get up, brushing Sherlock's hand with his thumb, and noticing how it affected him. He blushed deeper, and his breathing pace increased. Beautiful.  
“Y-yes, I’m, okay”,Sherlock stammered, as he kept his eyes fixed on Jim. He wasn’t releasing his hand, either. Jim glanced at John while Sherlock was getting up. He was livid.  
Jim saw John moving close to Sherlock, and talking to him.  
"Yes yes, you are perfectly fine."   
Then John wrapped his arm around Sherlock's waist and pulled him a few inches away from Jim, breaking their contact.   
"Bye Jim, have a nice evening.", said John, tense and angry, as he took Sherlock's hand, half dragging him to the car. 

Oh, that had been fun. The expression on John's face.."Bye, Johnny. Take care of him, he seems..altered", he added, with a smile, as he turned around and walked away.  
On his way home, he kept thinking about the sensation of Sherlock’s hand on his. About the way he had blushed at Jim’s touch. What had he been thinking? That brought back memories of the kiss, the way Sherlock had kissed him. Jim hadn’t forced it, hadn’t asked Sherlock to, hadn’t expected it. Because Sherlock had seen him better than anybody else. And yet he had kissed him.

Kisses were nothing new to Jim. They were a useful tool, something he had became good at in order to control people. But nobody had kissed him willingly, not while he wasn’t pretending to be somebody different.  
His mind kept going back to the kiss again and again, wondering what would have happened if Sherlock hadn’t stopped the kiss. Wondering what could happen.  
At home it was the same as always. His mother looked at him, and called him “James”, mistaking him for his father. He didn’t reply, knowing that it would achieve nothing. So he ignored her again, leaving her with the nurse, and tried to ignore the memories that name had brought back, and not quite succeeding.  
He lay on the bed, closed his eyes and tried to leave his mind blank in order to regain control. But images of the day before, of Sherlock and their kiss, of the way he had looked at him today, kept coming to his mind. Emotions were a weakness, and he was stronger than this. Finally he managed to dismiss the memories, and went to his computer.

He needed money; his father hadn’t left much, and his mother wasn’t capable of working. If the bills weren’t payed, somebody would come to investigate, and he didn’t want to be sent away. So he worked. Computers were easy to understand and manipulate, and he had managed to be hired to test the security of some sites. If he could break in, and told them how, he was payed a great amount of money. It was something he enjoyed, a challenge, and it was profitable. It also helped to keep the memories out of his mind.

After some hours, he couldn’t keep his eyes opened, but he didn’t go bed. Memories were more difficult to control while he was sleeping, and emotions made control more difficult. He almost regretted having kissed Sherlock. He could go on for five days without sleep (and he wasn’t going to remember how he had learnt that).  
The night seemed to go on forever. He used it to plan what to do about Sherlock, to think about the posible outcomes of different plans. To look for ways of controlling him. 

To plan how to use John’s anger, how to separate them. 

And to remember the sensation of Sherlock lips on his.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, when he arrived at school, he knew something was going on. He listened to the teachers talking in the entrance and heard John’s name more than once. So finally somebody had found out what was going on with John. It had taken them too long; idiots. 

Jim had noticed on his first day at school, and he had been twelve. He wondered what was going to happen. There would be an official investigation, surely. How could he use that?

 

He decided to wait at the entrance again to see Sherlock since he arrived in his car. Maybe he could find out more about what was going on.  John went out first, and, after kissing Sherlock, he walked to the school without looking around, walking fast.

 

There was another man in the car besides the driver, and Jim could see that he was armed. It wasn’t surprising, not after John being attacked and the secrecy around Sherlock’s family. Jim waited until he saw Sherlock walking to the school. He was staring at the floor, and looked extremely pale. His eyes told Jim of sleepless nights, and the slight tremor of his hand of anxiety. He had caused that, at least partially. It was what he had intended, but a part of him found the idea of a Sherlock this broken..uncomfortable.

 

He wouldn’t share a class with them until two hours later. _The maths project_. He was really looking forward to working with Sherlock.

 

Two hours later, he was sitting at his desk, pretending to read, when the teacher came to tell him that he would be working with Sherlock (obviously), who had been sent home by the nurse. The uncomfortable feeling grew stronger at those words. The teacher gave each pair and himself a different subject to work at.

 

His -and Sherlock’s-, was about how maths had been used in secret codes. It was fascinating. He started to take notes and prepare a list of everything related to the topic, hoping to discuss it with Sherlock the next day. He was clever, it would be nice to work with somebody, without having to explain everything. So he worked alone, as everybody around him was working in pairs. He didn’t mind. The topic was interesting for once, and he could plan how to work with Sherlock. It was actually a good thing he had missed the class; if they didn’t finish during the classes, they were expected to work together on this in their free time. That would involve working here in the library, or even going to his house.

 

He saw John a couple of times during the day. He showed clear signs of having been crying, and was walking like a ghost, without speaking or even looking at anybody. Jim shared with him his last class, and John didn’t move at all during the whole hour. And the teacher looked at him in a strange way. Not the way they would be looking if he were a victim, it was different. There was something going on here, and he was going to find out what it was.

  
  


At home, it was the same as always. His mother was sleeping, so he went directly to his room and turned on the computer. John Watson. First, he hacked into the school network. It was easy, the security protocols were ridiculously easy to pass through. He wasn’t a bad student, but he had missed a lot of classes. Having observed him for the last years had made obvious the cause: at least one of his parents, probably both of them, beat him regurlarly. And he had found out last year about the abuses he suffered at home. Surely some teachers had suspected it, but it didn’t quite fit the way they had treated John today. Something was different.

 

Jim also knew John was living at Sherlock’s house, and that something must have happened to cause that. Of course, that meant a police report.

 

Hacking into the police network was more difficult, but not much. There were few sites he couldn’t access to. Soon he could see every file. Not modify anything, he would need more time for that, but now he was only looking for information. He opened the folder of the child abuse suspects. He glanced at his father’s name (Moriarty, James), and ignored it. He already knew everything in there. Most of it he wished he could forget. Watson, John. He opened the folder and studied the information inside. There were several psychological reports of John, and they weren't precisely favorable: they mentioned pathological lies, delusions, self harm. There was something strange, in those reports. He reread them carefully, and noticed that noone of them had been based on a real interview with John, only on his parents' testimony. They had been required by the school, not by the police or a hospital. Weird.

 

He kept opening files. There was the official request for an investigation the school had sent some days ago, and the testimony of John’s father. He claimed that John had made everything up. There was no proof against him; no medical reports, no evidence. _Nothing_. Another file showed the results of a lie detector test John’s father had requested. Absolutely no lies. It was perfect, too perfect to be true, but the police had believed it. Idiots.

 

He could see the whole picture in his mind now: nobody believed John. He was pictured as a problematic teenager, unreliable and seeking attention. Some teachers blamed him.

He kept studying John’s case for a long time, and when he was finished, he went to bed with his mind filled of unwanted memories.

 

_He knew he was sleeping, but he had as much control of the situation as he had had when it had happened. Because it was a dream, but also a memory. He wasn’t able to move. He knew that moving without permission would be punished._ He _was talking, and Jim tried to pay attention. Ignoring his father’s words was dangerous. “Do you remember the pain scale, James? Today we will practice it again. Remember, from 1 to 100, you have to tell me how much does it hurt” He was smiling, and he had a notebook on him. His father always took notes of what he did to him. He knew what was coming, it had happened several times before. He would do different things to him, each one more painful than the previous one, and ask him to rate it. There was no logic on it he could find, no way he could avoid it. The pain came, stronger each time, with his father's cold and distant voice asking him for a number._

Like almost every morning, Jim woke up screaming, but nobody heard him

 


	5. Chapter 5

Like he did every morning, he buried his memories deep in his mind. The past was gone, and was never coming back- he had made sure of that. He got dressed carefully, checking that all  his scars were hidden, like he did every day. No marks on his hands, face and neck, his father had made sure of that. 

Another of his rules, but one he was glad for.

 His mother was still sleeping, the medication made her sleep more than usual, which, given her actual state, it was a good thing.

 He arrived at school early, as usual. Today he had two classes with Sherlock, Maths and Chemistry. They would be working together in Maths, and he was looking forward to it. In order to keep playing his game, and...yes, to work with him too.

He remembered how he had looked the day before, deadly pale; the nurse had sent him home, so maybe he wouldn't be coming today. The plan was working, he was breaking him, but for some reason it bothered him, too. He wanted him...compliant, but not that broken. Why was that? He started to analyse that emotion in order to understand it, pondering the different possibilities, until he found an explanation.  Of course, it was evident. That would make Sherlock boring and predictable, and far less interesting. That was the reason.

 He wasn’t sure what to expect today, and there was that uncomfortable feeling in his mind about Sherlock.  So when he arrived that day looking almost normal, Jim couldn't help a smile. It faded quickly, as soon as he realized that he was smiling.

 Sherlock sat besides him (as if he had another choice; it was the only empty place, and they had to work together), staring at the floor. He studied him carefully. Anxiety, fear, and...something else, something he couldn't read. Jim touched his elbow softly, and he almost jumped at the contact. Smiling again, but with his controlled smile that he knew confused Sherlock, he gave him the sheet with the instructions for the project, and what he had done the day before.

  It was surprisingly interesting. The teacher had chosen for them a challenging task, about the importance of maths in secret codes. The previous day he had writen some notes about what they should research, and how to structure the project.

 He saw how Sherlock's expression changed as he read it, relaxing again, totally focused on the task.

To his own surprise, Sherlock pointed a couple of mistakes in his work. He checked, and, with his help, corrected them. They worked together as if they had done it for years, each one complementing the other's perspective. It was so interesting that Jim almost forgot his plan.

 Almost. He made sure to touch him more than it was strictly necessary. Nothing too direct, nothing obvious. And each time Sherlock reacted to his touch, tensing, or blushing, or, one time, moving away from him. But Jim didn't comment about it, and neither did Sherlock. They talked only about the project. Sherlock was brilliant, and Jim was starting to have trouble focusing. The touches were...distracting. But the plan was working, so he kept doing it, carefully hiding his own reactions to Sherlock.

 The class ended too soon for Jim's liking. He got up with a light brush to Sherlock's arm, and, looking at his blushed face, he added "See you in chemistry, Sherlock". He was so...innocent. How had he survived this long?

 

He went to the History class that he shared with John. This was going to be interesting, too. He entered the classroom with a carefully composed smile, and looked for him.

John wasn’t there yet, but he arrived soon, looking tired. He sighed and fell into the seat next to Jim, dropping his bag under the desk.

 Jim’s smile broadened at John's expression. "Johnny! I see you are taking better care of Sherlock, he looks much better today"

He glanced at Jim, his face blank. "I do what I can."

He turned his smile into a sweet and innocent one. "Oh, I'm sure you do. But he seem to have had so little _sleep_ since you two live _together_...and, you know, he is so.... _innocent_ "

John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, in annoyance. "Leave me alone, Jim. Haven't you done enough? I don't need your bloody mind games."

 He laughed, amused. "Oh, Johnny, I haven't done anything". The _yet_ was implied. It was so obvious that even John would notice it. He thought about what he knew about John, and the better way to get to him. There was something in his family history...oh, yes. That would do. Smiling sweetly, he continued talking. “After all, everybody has secrets better left untold. How is your sister, by the way?"

There was something about John's sister. He wasn't sure what was it (although Johnny thought he did), but guilt was clear on his face at the mere mention of her. So either he had done something to her,or, most probably, had failed to protect her. Guilt, shame. He could work with that.

He observed carefully John’s reaction at his words. He bit his lip and looked away. "I said leave me alone". His voice was barely controlled, and he was digging  his fingers into the side of the chair.

Interesting. Guilt, and worry. So it was the second option, he had failed to protect her. "Oh, of course. You don't know how she is. After all, you've only been living with Sherlock for..three weeks? What can _possibly_ go wrong in that time?"

John shook his head. "You don't know anything about it. Nobody does." He half-growled, looking at Jim finally. "I know well that you don't know what's going on with her."

"Oh, I know enough. The details are irrelevant, really. But it is clearly your fault"

He saw the words hurting John, making him doubt. Oh, yes, he had to research her. Definitely. And now that his defences were low...

"I was wondering...what could I ask Sherlock to do next week. He'd do anything, you know? And last time, he even enjoyed it. Any ideas?"

He wondered what would take for John to be angry with Sherlock. He could be violent, given the right incentive. That would definitely break them up

He noticed John  taking a steadying breath, barely controlling himself, his voice shacking in anger. "I am taking no part in that. What you make him do, makes me sick. I'd rather if you just left him the _fuck_ alone."

He broadened his smile, because he liked the way it affected John. "Oh, Johnny. I don't _make_ him, it's _his_ choice. And...you know, I never asked him to kiss me. That was all him". He saw John’s face turning pale, which was a better result than he had expected, but, at the same time, memories of that kiss came to his mind. He had trouble keeping them out of his face. He wasn't sure if he had managed. Luckily the teacher arrived in that moment, and he pretended to pay attention.


	6. Chapter 6

  

He noticed John looking at him several times during the class, but he ignored him totally. He had the next class with Sherlock, and John knew it, there was no need of saying anything. Sometimes it was better to let people worry and anticipate. It hurt much more than the real consequences. 

 When he entered the lab, he couldn’t help a tiny smile. There was an empty seat next to Sherlock. _Of course_. Everybody had learned that Jim wanted to sit next to him, and nobody would dare to sit there. He sat silently, and, when Sherlock looked at him, he greeted him with a predatory smile and, of course, he blushed again. He felt powerful, being able to cause that reaction merely with a smile. It was almost intoxicating. 

As they were sitting together, the teacher assumed they were going to work together. Jim usually worked alone, and the teachers let him do it because they  _knew_. He hated it, but it was useful. The teacher looked at them with a smile, clearly happy because Jim was finally working with somebody else. 

 As he had done in maths, he talked only about the experiment they were performing.  He also keep touching him casually, brushing their hands together, moving to take the same samples as him.

Again, Sherlock reacted to every single touch. And, although he hid it better, so did Jim. 

 Sherlock was different from everybody else he had worked with. His mind was brilliant, and he seemed to have a natural understanding of Chemistry. It was something more than that, though. Every time he touched Sherlock, memories of the kiss came to his mind. Sherlock hadn’t needed to do that, and it still puzzled Jim. He wondered what would have happened if Sherlock hadn’t stopped, how far would had gone. He tried not to think about it, to block the sensory memories of the kiss, but it was difficult. Sherlock’s body was distracting.  

His reactions made him feel out of balance. He needed the game, he needed control. He had a plan and was going to follow it. The next step was clear in his mind, and it was going to be fun.

As soon as the teacher left the room, he started to talk with Sherlock about what they had done in Maths, and the possibilities of the project, the different ways they could approach the topic. He didn’t need to pretend to be interested, he really was. And, as soon as he mentioned the topic, so was Sherlock. 

So far, so good. Sherlock seemed to be focused only on their conversation, not noticing anything around them. 

 Jim stood up, and started to walk towards the cafeteria, still talking. Sherlock followed him, his eyes brightening with enthusiasm and his cheeks blushed. 

 He kept touching him casually, and walking closer to Sherlock than strictly necessary. He wanted John to see that, to see Sherlock like this. 

They entered the cafeteria together, and Jim glanced at John, who was sitting on a table clearly wainting for Sherlock. He seemed to be having problems to control himself at the sight. Maybe he could push him a bit more, later. 

 He moved slightly closer to Sherlock and saw him blushing deeper. "Oh, Molly is waiting for me. See you tomorrow in Maths", he said, casually touching his arm before walking towards Molly.

He noticed John's expression and  held back a smile. This was working nicely. 

 

Molly was sitting alone, her face buried in a book, like she usually did. He sat besides him, and they started to talk about ordinary and boring things. After a while, she returned to his book, smiling at him. She understood his need of silence, which had surprised him. He could feel Greg’s angry gaze fixed on them, and smiled at him when Molly wasn’t looking. Greg paled, and looked away. Dating Molly had been a wonderful idea.

He didn’t eat much, he never did. As a child, his father as treated food as a reward, and he had got used to eating small rations. Every now and them he glanced at John and Sherlock’s table. It was fascinating to watch. At first Sherlock had looked happy and totally oblivious of the anger and hurt on John’s face. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but their body language was clear. Sherlock was confused, and John was becoming more and more angry, and was barely able to control it. Finally they seemed to make up, because John stood up, kissed Sherlock’s forehead and went to get food for both of them.

In that moment Sherlock saw Jim staring at him, and, surprisingly, he smiled; Jim returned the smile before he noticed he was doing it. John came back to Sherlock’s table with the food,  looking almost sick.  Jim saw them eating without talking to each other, both looking miserable. It should make him happy. It was what he had planned, what he had wanted to happen. Why didn’t it make him feel good? It made no sense, so he decided to ignore it.

 

He noticed that John and Sherlock were talking again, and, even more interesting, Sherlock was looking at Jim. He kept looking at him as he stood and walked towards his table. Molly was focused on his book and didn’t seem to notice.

 "Jim? Can we talk?"  
  
Jim kissed Molly's cheek tenderly, his eyes fixed on Sherlock as he did it. Molly looked up and smiled happily. "Of course. I'll be back in a minute, dear". She nodded, and went back to her book.

Unexpectedly, an expression of hurt crossed Sherlock’s face at that. Was he jealous? Oh, that was brilliant. It disappeared quickly, replaced by guilt. But it had definitely been there. 

 Jim got up and started walking with Sherlock towards the door, once more closer than necessary. It made  Sherlock tense, but he didn’t mention it, so Jim pretended not to notice.

As soon as they were outside and nobody could hear, Sherlock stopped and faced him. "We have a deal, haven't we?"

Jim looked at him, intrigued, and smile in the cold and controlled way that always made Sherlock uncomfortable. "Of course we have"

Sherlock took a deep breath, and looked him in the eyes. "Then leave John alone. Protection includes you". Jim could see clearly that he was frightened, and tense. He was also very close to him. Jim moved slightly closer, and Sherlock tensed even more. 

 Still smiling, Jim extended his hand towards him. "Not talking to Johnny, or approaching him. Deal?" 

Sherlock took his hand without thinking, looking confused. And then, staring at their hands, he said"Wait. This is the same deal, I've already given you what you wanted", and he blushed again, surely remembering what he had given Jim. 

Still holding his hand, Jim moved even closer to him, so close that their lips were almost touching. "Of course, Sherlock. We'll... renegotiate on Monday"

"Yes", he replied, releasing Jim’s hand and walking towards the cafeteria again. Jim kept his eyes fixed on him, and a different smile appeared on his lips. A true one.

This was becoming more interesting every day.

 


	7. Chapter 7

They still had an hour before the next class, and Jim went to meet Sebastian. They talked about other students; things Sebastian had observed because Jim had asked him to, debts that had to be collected..Sebastian mentioned a boy bothering Molly. She hadn’t told Jim anything, but Sebastian told him that she looked uncomfortable when he was close. That required consideration, Molly was his and no one was to bother her. He decided to observe before taking any decision.

 Sebastian left for his class, and Jim headed towards his. He still had some time, so he decided to have a look at the boy bothering Molly. He didn’t know where he was, but probably still in the cafeteria. But, before entering, he saw Sherlock running out of the room, extremely pale, and with a desperate expression on his face. He didn’t see Jim, or anything on his way, and entered the bathroom.

Jim waited for him to come out, but he didn’t. Instead, two minutes later, he saw John walking out of the cafeteria, looking...guilty? No, not exactly. Worried? He couldn’t tell. He didn’t look up from the floor, and walked away without noticing Jim.

They had clearly fought; the idea should make him happy. It was what he wanted, wasn’t it? Instead, it bothered him. He couldn’t make sense of his own emotions, so he ignored them to focus on the practical aspects of the situation. Sherlock was still in the bathroom. And..Jim had given him a blade.

 Why had he done that? He remembered what he had seen of Sherlock’s scars. They were old. A relapse would break him, surely. And a broken Sherlock would be so boring and predictable. He wanted to play, he wanted...he wasn’t sure of what he wanted, but Sherlock hurt wasn’t part of it.

He couldn’t go inside and talk to him. It would only make things worse. He tried to think on a solution, and, finally, decided to text him. Nothing personal, but something to distract him. The project? Yes, that was the best possibility.

 “We could use prime numbers as a base for a coding system-Jim”

Sherlock replied almost immediately, offering suggestions, and Jim texted him back with some more ideas. They kept texting, talking only about the project without mentioning anything personal, until it was time to go back to class. Jim left when he heard to door opening, not wanting Sherlock to see him.

Sherlock kept answering to his texts between the classes. Some of them made him smile. Sherlock was brilliant, and it was an interesting topic. And he even found flaws in Jim’s ideas. It was much more interesting than the boring lessons.  

  

After school, he walked home, still texting Sherlock. And then he stopped answering. There were several explanations for that, most of them having to do with Sherlock being busy; but he couldn’t dismiss the idea of something having happened to him. Nothing he could do about it, now.

His mother was with the nurse, and she seemed to be calm today. Jim entered her room and kissed her cheek, and she smiled and called him Jimmy, like she had done when he was a little child. He spent some time with her; good days were rare, after all.

Later, in his room, he checked his email. There was a job offer in one of his accounts. One of the other kind. Sometimes he was offered a lot of money to access sites and steal information. It was illegal, and, if he wasn’t careful, dangerous. But he was always careful, and it was much more profitable than his usal work. He read the details, and decided to do it. It would take some hours to make sure he wasn’t found, but the price was worth it.

Several hours later he completed the task, and received a large amount of money. Tired, he went to bed; Sherlock hadn’t still replied to his text. It made him feel...uncomfortable. No. Worried? That described it better. It wasn’t like him to worry about people. Worry implied that he...cared about him? No, surely not. Caring was dangerous, and he always avoided it. Again, he decided to worry about it later, and closed his eyes.

 

_It was one of the good dreams. The day he had found his father’s notes, the day he had understood, and gained some control over the situation. He read the notebook carefully; his father, always the scientist, had registered it orderly: the objectives, the methods, the variables. Finally he understood. The words made sense in his head. Effects of long term exposure to pain. Build up tolerance through regular administration. He read and read, until he had absolutely no doubt. His father believed that if he hurt him for enough time, he would develop an immunity to pain. Having read every book in the house about biology and neurology, he knew that it was impossible. But it might help him to stop the pain. That night, when his father came, and asked him to rate his pain, he lied. The first hour he replied as usual, describing the level of pain as higher every time, but, after that, he started to tell lower numbers. It was hard, the pain was really intense; if he wanted to fool his father his face had to match his words. But it seemed to work, because, after a while, the pain stopped and his father looked happy._

 

When he woke up it was already time to get up for school, and Sherlock hadn’t replied to his text.

 


	8. Chapter 8

He was worried. It was the best way to describe the way he was feeling. It was strange, and he didn’t quite understand it, but it was true and he couldn’t deny it anymore.

What could he do? What did ordinary people do? He considered it for a while, before deciding to send another text.

 

“Are you alright?-Jim”

 

He stared at it for five more minutes before sending it, pondering the possible outcomes of that action. Finally he sent it, and kept staring at the screen for five more minutes. No reply. He considered calling him, but dismissed the idea as soon as it crossed his mind. No, he couldn’t do that. It would show too much worry. The text would do.

 

The morning was like almost every morning at home: while his mother was still sleeping, he had a shower- staring at the wall in front of him in order to avoid seeing his body; he got dressed; he had breakfast. Finally he walked to the school. But today something was different, because he was all the time thinking what could have happened to Sherlock.

 

If he were sick, he would have replied to the text; and he didn’t look sick the last time he had seen him. He looked...scared? Yes, he looked scared. Of John. The idea that he had pushed John too much was becoming more and more plausible. What if John had hurt him? It would be his fault, and, again, the mere idea of Sherlock being hurt was extremely disturbing.

 

When he arrived at school, he kept his face absolutely blank and controlled, walking with total confidence. As usual, most people avoided him.

 

He remained outside until the last minute, waiting for Sherlock’s car to arrive, but it didn’t. They weren’t coming.

 

He needed a distraction; this...thinking about Sherlock wasn’t productive. He thought about the different possibilities, and decided to talk to Alex. He had asked Jim for help with another boy who was bothering him, and offered money in exchange. It had been boring, Jim didn’t need money, but Alex hadn’t been able to think of any other thing to pay him. _Idiot_. The interesting part was that it had been three weeks, and he hadn’t payed him yet.

 

It was fun. The first two hours, Jim just looked at him every time they met (and he made sure to meet often), so he became more and more anxious. Then, he talked to him. Always smiling, always polite, he asked him to meet before lunch. Not a request, really.

 

He enjoyed the way Alex was almost trembling when he walked away. Feeling in control again, he went to the rest of his classes.

 

When the time arrived, he waited for Alex to come, Sebastian waiting at the door, as always. Sebastian had looked at him in a strange way before, but he hadn’t asked anything. Loyalty had its advantages.

 

An hesitant knock made him focus again. He was here, good.

 

“Come in”, he said, in his coldest tone

 

Alex entered the room, not daring to meet his eyes.

 

“I’ve been extremely patient with you, Alex”, he started.

 

The boy was crying. Pathetic. Weakness had to remain hidden in a fight, it was the most elemental rule.

 

“Can you pay me?”, he continued, walking a step closer to him

 

“N....no”, Alex replied in a whisper

 

Idiot, certainly. Why offering money when he clearly couldn’t afford it? He studied the boy carefully, wondering what to do with him.

 

“Do you have anything to offer?”, he asked, softly.

 

Alex looked at him for the first time, with something like hope in his eyes. “Anything you want”, he replied.

 

“Anything I want”, he repeated, as cold as before. “What could you possibly offer?”

 

Alex paled, and looked down again. He looked defeated; oh, this was perfect.

 

“You will do everything I ask you to. No questions. Until you can pay me, you will obey me in everything”, he said.

 

“Yes, Jim”, whispered Alex, still staring at the floor.

 

Jim smiled sweetly. “Everything I tell you. For instance...today, I want you to do something in Biology to anger the teacher. Call her something that makes her furious. Or...whatever you want, as long as it ends up with you in detention”

 

“W-what?”

 

“Don’t make me repeat it. I think it’s simple enough. Can you do it?”

 

Alex stayed silent for a minute, before nodding.

 

“Perfect. You may leave, now.”

 

Jim saw him anxiously biting his lip, and staring at the floor, as he stood up and left. It had been too easy. Everybody was too easy.

 

His mind kept going back to Sherlock, and the worry was starting to bother him. Silently, he walked with Sebastian to have lunch. When they entered the cafeteria, he looked at Sherlock and John’s usual table, but it was empty.

 

They sat with Molly, who, as always, was reading as she ate. When they sat, she smiled at them, but she went back to her book. They didn’t talk, but it was a confortable silence.

Maths was boring. Sherlock wasn’t there, and there was not much he wanted to do on his own after having worked with him. He ordered some of the ideas, and read again what they had already done. At the end of the class, the teacher asked him to wait.

 

Teachers knew what had happened to him. All of them. That meant they always looked at him with pity; Jim hated it, but it was useful. As he always did when he talked to a teacher, he changed slightly his body language to appear more unsure. The teacher smiled at him, and told him that, as Sherlock was missing so may classes, they would have to work in the project after school. She told Jim that Sherlock’s mother had phoned the school, and said he had had an accident. She suggested that Jim could go to Sherlock’s house to work with him. Jim just nodded, and told her he’d do that.

He walked to the Biology class, his mind repeating the teacher’s words. An accident. Something serious enough to keep him away from school. And...what had happened to John?

 

He texted Sherlock once more, telling him what the teacher had said, and asking if he could go after school to work in the project. No reply. At least Biology would be distracting enough.

 

It was. Alex did wonderfully. The usually shy boy got up in the middle of the class, and started shouting to the teacher. It took Jim’s mind away from Sherlock for some time, and he decided to leave Alex alone for a while. Without telling him about it, of course.

 

Finally, after the last class, Sherlock replied to his text, telling him that he could go, and adding his address.


	9. Chapter 9

It took almost forty minutes to arrive to Sherlock’s neighbourhood. Jim had never been there before. It was...posh. There was no other way to describe it. He hadn’t been able to find out anything  about Sherlock’s family. Money was one possible explanation for that.

 He tried to ignore the worry. Emotions were pointless, and dangerous. Sherlock would be there, as would John. It would be fun, he had to focus on that, on the game.

He walked slowly, studying his surroundings. Finally he arrived at the address where Sherlock lived. It was a house...no, a mansion. It was huge. And...the security was impressive, much more than  any other house in the street. More than a bank would have.

He wondered again who Sherlock family was. He could spot three cameras from where he was, and, if he could see three, he was sure there would be more he couldn’t see. There was also a numeric  panel on the door, and the door itself was top security. He rang, and waited.

The door opened after a minute, revealing John with a defensive expression. Jim entered the house without saying anything; it was something that usually made John anxious. The interior of the  house was as lavish as the exterior, and...boring.

 John closed the door behind Jim. "Please don't stir anything today. I beg you."

That made him turn around and study John’s body language and facial expression carefully. _Guilt_. He could see it as clear as if he had been shouting it. What was going on here? He didn't like it. Had John done something to Sherlock?

He smiled sweetly, and pointed at his bag. "I'm here to study, Johnny. Where is Sherlock?" He wanted to know what was going on, but he wasn't going to ask

John  groaned and beckoned Jim to follow him. He led him upstairs, clearly nervous. His suspicions seemed more and more plausible. John stopped at the door which had to be Sherlock’s room, and looked at Jim with...fear? He wasn’t sure, it had been too fast. Then John walked inside, and smiling, sat on a chair facing the bed.

 

He paused at the door, studying the room. This was different from the rest of the house. He could see Sherlock's personal things everywhere. So much information, and definitely not boring. There was a laptop and several books, and...a violin case? Interesting. Then he noticed something else.

Oh, it had been conceived, but it was clear if you knew what to look for, and he knew. Signs of struggle. Had they...fought?

Finally, his eyes stopped on Sherlock. He was sitting on the bed, supported by several pillows, and his eyes were closed, although he was awake. There was a bandage on his head, and his body language showed pain.

 The rage invaded his mind, surprising him. He didn’t remember being so angry before, not since...No. He wasn’t going to think about that. He turned towards John, trying to control himself. When he spoke, his voice came out cold and controlled, but he didn't feel this way.

 "What have you done?"

John looked terrified, but Jim didn’t mind. He moved a step closer, keeping his eyes fixed on John.

"I didn't do it. You know bloody well that _I_ wouldn't."

Jim studied him carefully looking for signs of a lie. None.

 “What happened?”, he asked in the same tone

 John didn’t look away. There was few people who could do that.

 " _You_ pissed me off the last day. We, " he gestured at Sherlock and himself " came home. I was angry, Sherlock left the room. He went to the park and my _father_ " he spat the word in disgust. "attacked him. You know as well as I that I would never hurt Sherlock."

 Control. He needed control. John's father? Wasn't he in custody?  He had to be, unless the police were totally incompetent. But...again, it could be. Control.

John wasn't lying, wouldn't dare to lie to him. And still....he looked around again. There were clear signs of a fight in the room, and that didn’t fit with what John had told him.

He walked closer to John, slowly, his eyes fixed on John’s. "You caused this", he whispered, not wanting Sherlock to hear.

 "The mess? Yes that was me, and me alone. He wasn't even in the room at the time." He said equally as quiet. "I got angrier than I should have, and told Sherlock to leave the room. I didn't know he'd even left the building for another 25 minutes. As for my father... I am personally going to make him regret this. The police were stupid enough to believe his lies about the abuse charges."

He studied the room again. It fitted. Control.  He still was angry, but not with John. Attacked. What did that mean? An injury in the head, that was easy to see. The way he moved...his chest was bandaged too. And... _the abuse charges._ No. Surely not. That couldn’t be true.

"Call me if you need help with that", he said, before he could stop himself. John’s father was going to pay for this

 "I probably won't" John replied,  turning back to his work, his hands shaking.

Jim turned around, and looked at Sherlock. The sight made him forget totally about John. He looked so...broken. He remembered feeling broken. He remembered the pity on people's eyes when they looked at him. He remembered hating that pity, hating the feeling of helplessness. No, he wasn’t going to pity Sherlock. He sat on the bed carefully, his face totally controlled.

"I won't write the whole work, you know. You have to do your part"

Sherlock opened his eyes, and smiled. It was easy after that. It was fun. They talked and talked about the project, Jim taking notes. And he kept doing the same thing as the day before, siting slightly too close, and touching him every now and them.

It was part of the game, but...it felt natural. Sherlock kept blushing every time, and smiling some times, but they kept talking about maths and codes. And maybe it was just his imagination, but...had Sherlock touched his arm in purpose? No, he could be reading it wrong.

He glanced at John every now and then, but, strangely, he didn’t look angry or jealous. Instead he was looking at Sherlock’s smile.

He carefully hid his own reactions. Those were not part of the game; he couldn't help them, but, same as he did with emotions, he could ignore and hide them.

When he glanced at his watch, three hours had passed. He had to go. He got up slowly, and he heard Sherlock’s voice

 "Will you come back tomorrow?"

 Surprised, he needed a second to mask his reaction.

 "Of course. We have to work at this, I'm not doing your part", he replied, keeping his emotions out of his voice.

 


	10. Chapter 10

He didn’t say anything else, and waited for John. The boy was giving Sherlock a glass of water and a pill. Painkillers, surely. Then he kissed Sherlock’s forehead, and Jim noticed Sherlock’s body relaxing. The kiss shouldn't bother him, but strangely it did.

  
John showed him out in silence, without looking at him. When they got to the entrance, he opened the door, but didn’t move to let him go outside. Instead he met Jim’s face.  
"Thank you"

  
Thank you? What for? He had...wait. He had to analyse this. He had came because he had been worried, and...had enjoyed working with Sherlock. Emotions again, making him vulnerable. He should have more control.

  
"I'm not doing it for _you_ ", he replied, coldly. "And this is still _your_ fault, you'd better take care of him". He was getting angry again. No. He smiled, hiding his rage at the memory of Sherlock’s state

  
John looked at him narrowing his eyes. Had he noticed anything?

  
"Believe me, I will. But, how is this entirely my fault?

  
Strangely, John sounded angry. And that made Jim even angrier. John had no right to be angry, he had let this happen. He lowered the tone of his voice, and kept it cold and controlled.

  
"How it isn't your fault? _You_ drove him away. _Your_ father attacked him. _You_ failed to protect him".

  
John paled and took a step back. It made Jim feel marginally better. But then he looked at Jim again, and started talking

  
"Right, of course. Not like _you_ knew you were making me angry and how I get when angry. Totally not _your_ fault that you brought up my sister, and pushed it until I, obviously, couldn't control my anger. Definitely my fault. No, Jim. It was _you_ who put the wheels in motion."

  
Was it his fault? He had wanted John to get angry so they fought, to create a distance between them. Had he caused this? Control. He was clenching his fists, and forced himself to relax.

  
"I tried to protect him, you idiot! Since he arrived and started telling things that he shouldn't say. He didn't let me. He let you, and you allowed this!"  
He was angry again. No. He was better than this. He was in control.

  
"He doesn't know what to think of you. He trusts me because I understand and I showed him kindness. Got him home after your friends beat him. I patched him up. I have stopped him cutting. What have you done? Made him unsure. Scared. So close to harming himself again. Do you honestly think I would willingly let this happen?"

  
"He. Didn't. Let. Me"

  
He took a deep breath. Rage wasn't useful, he needed to stay calm, to stay in control. It was hard.

  
"The day he arrived. I stopped them from hitting him. I offered him help. Why did he let _you_?" He tried to calm down again, and spoke slowly. "He needs to be protected. Do you know what he did? He told Sebastian that Mary was cheating on him. _In front of everybody_. I stopped it. What did you do?"

  
Something changed in John’s expression, turning it into something like...understanding. And he looked calmed and in control. More than Jim. He didn’t like the sensation.

  
"I don't know why he let me, Jim. I really don't. I only came in on his third day there. Maybe it was because I was the first person he told their life story to, and didn't lash out at him. Never raised a hand nor my voice. These deals you are making with him, are driving him crazy. He can't sleep, for God's sake. He could have killed himself from the amount of sleeping pills he took when I was at school and he went home early. Not to mention he'd drank coffee to be alert for a day with you."

  
John closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. "Okay. Look. We obviously want the same things for him. Safety. We don't need to fight over it. I know what I have done and you know what you've done. I should punch you for giving Sherlock another blade after we had just gotten rid of his last. But, I won't because why bother. So can we just bloody try and cooperate?"

  
He got rid of it? He had though that Johnny would have taken it from him. Doing that on his own...that should have been difficult.

Jim thought about what he had done and said today. Did he...care about Sherlock? He hadn't, before. He hadn't, when he had given him the blade. Had the kiss really changed him that much?

  
"He needs the deals. He has to feel that he had earned the protection. That it's not...charity, or pity" Sleeping pills? Why hadn't he seen that? "We can try to cooperate"  
John nodded. "Good. Because this whole hatred thing between us, or namely my hatred aimed towards you, isn't good for him. If I'm willing to put it aside, so should you. "  
Jim looked at him, surprised. He hadn’t been expected this.

John looked back, and, softly, asked, "Where do we go from here?"

He wanted to protect Sherlock. That was new. He also wanted to control him. To keep playing the game. It was the only way he could keep seeing him, he needed the control.  
"I keep dealing with him. Not more than he can take. You...you get rid of the blade" He looked at John for a second, and added. "Get rid of yours, too". He though about it. What else? "And don't let him know about this"

John nodded again. "Fine. Keep with the deals. But don't push him too far. I will get rid of his blade but... I can't get rid of mine. Not yet." He ran a hand through his hair. "Believe me, I won't let him know about this."

"He'll find it", Jim stated. "If you keep yours, don't bother getting rid of his". As if John could hide anything from Sherlock. "I have to push him, or he'd know. But not more than he can take"

"Fine, I'll get rid of them as soon as I can." He sighed reluctantly.

He wanted Sherlock's safe. He also wanted...he wasn't sure. To own him. To control him. To play the game. To keep him...interesting. This was a mean to achieve that. He extended his hand towards John. "Then we have a deal"

He shook his hand firmly. "Deal."

He hadn't promised much: just not to push him too much, not more than he could take. He had been planning to do so anyway.  
And...a secret deal with Johnny. That might separate them. He smiled, starting to plan.

"See you tomorrow, Johnny"


	11. Chapter 11

He walked slowly, lost in his thoughts. What did he want from Sherlock? It was a difficult question. He wanted to...control him. He remembered how he had felt when they had made their deal, how good it had been. He wanted that power over him. He wanted to own him, his body, his mind, his will. To _break_ him.

 

No. Something felt wrong about that. He wanted Sherlock... _whole_. He wanted him to willingly surrender to him. Yes, that sounded better. Sherlock seemed to accept the deals, which was a good start.

 

John wouldn’t be a problem either. As long as Sherlock was safe, Jim knew he wouldn’t interfere. And even then he wouldn’t openly oppose him. And...a part of Jim liked the challenge, and _loved_ the game.

 

It would be fun. He had to gain Sherlock’s trust first; the deals would help with that. Nobody made a deal with somebody he didn’t trust. If he honored it, like he always had done, he would become a source of safety for Sherlock. It might take time, but he was willing to do it. And...doing it under John’s gaze....Yes, definitely fun.

 

That meant keeping John safe. It might be hard. There was his father. After attacking Sherlock he would probably be in prison, he had to check it when he arrived home. There were some people at school bothering him too, but Jim had made it clear that John was off limits now, so that wouldn’t be a problem. And...there was John. The boy had the survival instinct of a lemming. He wasn’t sure if he could do something about that or not.

 

There was another problem to consider. Given his own reactions to Sherlock’s injuries, he had to admit that he cared about him. More than he had thought possible. After all, he had _psychotic tendencies_. They had even wrote that down, how nice of them. Psychopaths didn’t care. He had no idea of what to do with those emotions, so he decided to ignore them.

 

And then there was the kiss. He had seen John kissing Sherlock’s forehead, and it had made him feel...strange. It wasn’t jealously. Or...maybe it was. Not of the kiss, not because John had kissed Sherlock and Jim hadn’t. It was because of the intimacy of the gesture. Nobody had kissed him willingly. Not the real him. They looked so...comfortable with each other.

 

Well, Sherlock had kissed him, but it had been part of a deal, he had only returned the kiss. No. His _body_ had returned the kiss, Sherlock had been horrified of what he had done.

 

Still worrying about that, he arrived home. It was silent, but there was light in his mother’s room. So she was awake. He took off his coat and left his bag in his room, before heading to his mother’s.

She was sat on the bed, staring at the wall. The nurse was sitting on a chair, reading her a book. “Mum?” he asked, hesitant. She didn’t answer, nor move. The nurse told him that she had been like that for hours; she had eaten, and was physically alright.

 

It wasn’t something new, and it could be much worse. He nodded, and went back to his room.

 

Once there he texted Sherlock, talking only about the project, sharing with Sherlock a new idea for it. Part of the plan, he reminded himself. He wanted Sherlock to keep thinking about him. Sherlock replied after a couple of minutes, criticising  his idea. He replied defending it. Sherlock wrote back giving reasons why it would never work (which Jim already knew). Jim replied that he had to think something new for the following day, then.

 

It would keep Sherlock distracted, and thinking about him. _Brilliant._

 

He started his computer. Time to check on John’s father, and to find out how severe Sherlock’s injuries were. Of course he could just have asked, but it was more fun this way.

 

He hacked into the police network, making sure he couldn’t be detected. He already knew where to find the file. Watson, John. He opened the folder, looking for the last updates. He was, as he had thought, in prison. Accused of assault. He opened another file, Sherlock’s testimony. He opened the file, and started to read..

 

"John and I had a fight, and I went outside to calm down. I knew his father was dangerous. He had attacked him before, and knew where I lived, but it wasn't dark, and the park was at the end of the street, I knew there would be people around. I was sitting on a bench, answering a text, when he grabbed my neck, and I think my head hit the bench, because I couldn't think properly, everything was confusing. I remember pain, and cries, and people. He said....he said John was _his_ "

 

The text had been his. Was it his fault? Had he distracted Sherlock so he hadn’t seen John’s father coming? The fight... _that_ was his making, as John had reminded him.

 

Another file detailed Sherlock’s medical report. He had two splinted ribs, painful but not dangerous. That explained the bandage around his chest, and the painkillers. He also had an injury in his head, which had required twelve stitches. He read everything carefully. About a week for the stitches to come out, maybe three weeks for the ribs, but he would be alright. Relieved, he shut down the computer, and started to do his homework for the next day.

 

When he finished, he went to bed, exhausted. It had been a long day.

 

_He wasn’t in pain. That was weird; he knew he was dreaming, and he was almost always  in pain in his dreams. His father was talking to him, and Sherlock was there, too. Unconscious, probably drugged. He focused on his father’s voice. It was dangerous not to listen. “James, I thought I had already showed you that caring is a weakness. But you clearly didn’t listen so...” He was smiling. And Jim took a step back. It was useless, he knew there was no escape. And he had missed some words. “...I want you to think about all the times you’ve been in this room. Every single one of them” He shivered, and glanced at the door. Locked, of course. “You are not paying attention, James”. Pain. That was familiar. He could deal with pain. “ Better. Now....I want you to think about the worst memory you have, the thing that hurt you most” Jim didn’t want to think about it, but he couldn’t help it. His father’s smile broadened. “Good. Now, James....you are going to do that to him. Because if you don’t...I’ll do something that would turn that into a good memory. You know I will”. He didn’t want to. Hurting Sherlock was....wrong. But the alternative....He walked towards Sherlock, feeling his father’s eyes fixed on him. Soon after, Sherlock’s cries of pain filled the room. Strangely, it hurt much more than when it had been done to him._

 

Jim woke up, and cried silently, burying his face in the pillow. That hadn’t happened, would never happen. It had been his own mind. He had thought that, not his father.  Was he turning into him? And the memory of the dream, of him hurting Sherlock....No. Nobody would hurt him, Jim would make sure of that.

 

He stayed awake for the rest of the night, not daring to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

 

The night seemed to last forever, but finally the time to go to school arrived. He left for school sooner than he needed to, while his mother was still sleeping. Once in the street, he decided to text Sherlock. It was a strange impulse, but after the dream he needed it.

 

“I’ll go after school-Jim”

 

He read it again. It was ridiculous, Sherlock already knew that. He should delete it. He wanted to send it. It was unnecessary. It showed weakness, insecurity. Finally he put his phone back in his pocket without sending the text.   

 

He was worried about his own reactions, and about the dream. It was new, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. He could understand attraction. That was easy: a chemical response to another person. He was attracted to Sherlock. But...that didn’t explain everything. It was terrifying.

 

He spent the whole morning trying to make sense of his emotions, but was unable to reach any satisfactory conclusion. Of course, he hid his worry behind a mask. Showing emotions makes you vulnerable, and he had spent the last seven years trying to suppress or, at least, hide, all his vulnerabilities.

 

Some of his internal turmoil should have showed on his face despite all his efforts, because Sebastian looked at him in an strange way, and didn’t let anybody approach him. But he didn’t mention anything about it.

 

Finally, after lunch, he decided to make an experiment to help him understand. Molly was lost in her book as usual. He was behaving like he always did with when he was with her; shy, unsure. It was an act, a persona, a lie. But, like all the good lies, it had a part of truth.

 

“Molly? Can we go out for a walk?”, he asked, blushing. He could do that at will, it was a useful skill.

 

Molly smiled, and closed the book “Of course”

 

They left together. Jim could feel two pairs of eyes fixed on them: Sebastian’s, with worry, and Greg’s, with hate.

 

Once outside, he rubbed his neck, a gesture which he knew that transmitted an impression of insecurity and nervousness.

 

“We....” he started, biting his lip and staring at his feet.

 

Molly put a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him

 

He made his body relax slightly, keeping part of the tension, and, without looking up, he continued talking. “We've been...dating...for three weeks...and...I...I was wondering....” He blushed again, and, when he talked again, it was fast and barely audible. “...if I could kiss you”.

 

He felt Molly’s hand on his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. She was pretty and clever, and Jim, despite hiding behind this act, found her company pleasant. And now she was looking at him with a radiant smile, and, slowly, pressed their lips together.

 

It was...nice, he supposed. Her lips were soft and warm, and she was being so...tender, and delicate. It was totally different form Sherlock’s kiss. And he felt... _nothing._

 

Molly looked at him, and her face was sad. Jim didn’t know how to react to that, or what to think about what had happened. They stood like that for a minute, silently looking at each other.

 

“I’m sorry”, he said, finally.

 

“I’ve noticed how you look at him,”, she replied in a whisper. “I didn’t want to believe it, but...”

 

She had noticed? Who else had? What did that mean? “I...I didn’t want it to happen”, he replied, scared. And...not acting.

 

“He is with John”

 

“I know”

 

“They are good together”

 

“I know”

 

“You...you really like him, don’t you?”

 

“I...I don’t...I...”

 

“That’s a yes”

 

“...”

 

And then she hugged him. He hadn’t been expecting it. He had anticipated anger, not...understanding. Slowly, he relaxed between her arms.

 

“Molly, I...I like spending time with you. Can we...keep doing that?”, he asked, without moving. He didn’t know if it was an act or not.

 

She smiled sadly, and kissed his forehead

 

“Of course, Jim. I like spending time with you, too”

 

“I’m sorry”

 

“I know”

 

He felt...he had no idea of how he felt. Everything was confusing. After a while, Molly released him, and they started to talk about the book she was reading, falling into familiar routines.

Jim didn’t think he could stand any more classes today. So, when Molly left for her class (with a kiss on his cheek), he walked to the nurse. He told her that he had barely slept last night, and that he wasn’t feeling good. Again, the best lies were partly true. It worked, of course. She sent him home without asking anything else, and told him to rest.

 

He walked for an hour to calm his mind. When he felt ready, he took his phone.

 

“I’m on my way-Jim”

 

He sent the text to Sherlock, and headed towards his house.


	13. Chapter 13

Jim arrived to Sherlock’s house feeling more in control. Not totally, but as much as he could manage. He rang the bed, and John opened the door. He looked as if he had just got up from bed. He had a dish with a sandwich in his hands. Jim entered, and John closed the door behind him.

"Hey. Mind bringing up food to Sherlock? I just made it. He doesn't need to eat all of it."

John looked...different. confident, relaxed. Jim had never seen him like this. The way he moved, even his voice, showed a control he hadn’t have before. And...was he leaving the two of them alone in the room? What was going on here? He'd know more when he saw Sherlock.

"Of course, Johnny", he replied with a smile

"I'll be up in a bit. Make sure he actually eats it, please." He replied, going back to the kitchen. 

Jim walked upstairs with the dish in his hands. It was...weird. John trusted Sherlock enough to leave them alone, even after having seen them the previous day. 

He approached Sherlock’s room, the memories of the day fresh in his mind. The kiss, and Molly’s words. _You really like him._

He stopped. There was no way he could face Sherlock with those words in his mind. He buried them, and focused on the task he was performing. Better. Controlling carefully his facial expression and body language, and walking confidently, he entered the room.

As soon as he was inside, his eyes went to the figure in the bed. Images of his dream tried to come back to his mind, but he managed to ignore them and see what was in front of his eyes.

Sherlock looked...better. He didn't seem to be in pain, and didn't look as pale as the day before. He was smiling, looking at the ceiling. Jim had never seen him smile like that. So...relaxed and happy.

"Sherlock? Johnny told me to give you this", he said, carefully hiding the shock from his face. He wasn’t sure of what he had been expecting, but certainly wasn’t this. Both Sherlock and John looked so happy. Molly was right, they were good together. No. Forget that, forget Molly’s words. Focus on the game.

Sherlock looked at him, and again, he blushed when he saw him. It gave Jim back the sensation of control he needed. 

"J-Jim? You are early" 

He didn't reply, walked towards the bed and sat on it, giving him the food. He made sure to touch his hands as he did so, and Sherlock blushed deeper.

He sat as close to him as he dared, obviously much closer than Sherlock was comfortable with, but he didn't say anything. Like the day before, Jim decided that pity would only made it worse, so he just took out the notes for the Maths project, and they started working, discussing Sherlock’s ideas. And maybe it was just his imagination, but Sherlock was touching him a bit too much. Was _he_ blushing? Surely not, he had more control than that. But his cheeks felt warm. Sherlock didn't seem to notice, or, if he did, he didn't comment on it. Just when Jim was starting to think that maybe he should move, or else they neither of them would be able to do any work, the door opened and John came in.

He paused at the door for a moment, glancing at them, before going on to the desk. 

"Jim, mind passing me the notes behind you?" 

Given the way he was looking at them, that was clearly an excuse for him to move away. He looked at the notes John had mentioned. _History_. Then he glanced at what he was studying. _Biology_. Johnny was jealous, and that was _absolutely brilliant_. He smiled again, took the notes and walked to the desk.

"I hope this help you with the _Biology_ lesson", he said, feeling Sherlock's eyes fixed on him.

"Thank you." John replied absently, turning back to his notes after he'd taken the others off Jim.

"You are welcome", he replied, going back to the bed and sitting exactly in the same place as before. Sherlock kept looking at him the whole time with an intensity that made him feel self conscious.

They went back to work, and Jim tried to forget about that feeling. But Sherlock was behaving strangely. He was relaxed, talkative, and definitely touching him more than the strictely necessary. Jim was finding it difficult to focus on the project.

_The game_ , He had to remember that. He glanced at John, but he had his forehead on the desk, and seemed to be asleep. 

He was missing something. He had to be, their behavior didn't make sense. And he was finding his own reactions more and more difficult to hide. Johnny wasn't even looking at them, and it feel strangely intimate, being sitting on the bed with Sherlock. They kept working together, and it was as brilliant as the first time. Their minds complemented each other perfectly: Jim saw patterns in the codes and Sherlock saw the tiny details. He couldn't help but to imagine what would be to work together for real, to have a partner at his same level. No. He had a _plan_. He had to follow it. But it was difficult to focus on that under Sherlock's gaze.

After some time he noticed Sherlock tensing every time he moved even slightly. He was clearly in pain, but too stubborn to admit it. Johnny was still asleep, but there were pills and a glass of water on the table. 

"How many? We can't work if you are in pain, it would mean that I have to do your part". 

Sherlock smiled at that, amused. Had he seen through him? Nobody has before, but, again, nobody had affected him this much. One, Sherlock had said. So he gave him one pill and the glass. He had eaten everything, so he put the empty dish on the table.

The moment was all he needed to regain control. They kept working together, discussing the different ways of coding and the advantages and disadvantages of each one. Every now and then they eyes met, and it was electrifying.

He was so absorbed in their task –and on Sherlock- that he forgot about everything else, and John’s unexpected voice startled him.  
"Sorry to interrupt, but I'm going to make tea. Either of you want some?" 

Jim told John that he wanted tea, and so did Sherlock, who looked as surprised as he was to see John with them. John nodded and left the room, surely to the kitchen.

As soon as John had left the room, the atmosphere changed. Jim noticed it, of course. For some reason words seemed unapproprate, and they sat in silence, staring at the papers, not talking or moving. It was fascinating, he had never reacted to any other person in this way. He was conscious of every point their bodies touched, of the increased breathing pace of Sherlock at his side. He didn't dare to look at him, or his control would go away. What he wanted to do right now wasn't part of the plan. _You really like him, don’t you?_

No. He had to stop thinking that way. He wanted Sherlock's will. He wanted him surrendering to him. He wanted ot own him every single way you could own another person. His body, his mind. Everything. 

That couldn't be achieved if he forced it, if he acted too fast. it required slow and constant work, and the results would be _magnificent_. So he didn't move or speak, he didn't look at Sherlock. He noticed the evident signs of arousal in Sherlock's body, but didn't react. He managed to hide his own reactions too, or at least most of them. Finally, when he felt capable of doing it, he started talking again, about the project, still without looking at him.

John came back, and gave each one a cup of tea, smiling at Sherlock and ignoring Jim. Then, instead of staying, he left the room again. 

 

The tea helped him to calm down. He couldn't lose control. He hadn't in years, and wasn't about to start again now.

He wanted to keep Sherlock interested, to stay in his mind. The blade had been for that, partly. He hoped John had got rid of it; they had a deal after all. How fitting: a deal with Sherlock to protect John, and a deal with John to protect Sherlock.

He glanced at Sherlock, who was totally focused on his cup of tea. His eyes seemed darker, due to pupil dilatation; his breathing was fast and uneven. _He_ had caused this, and the mere idea was intoxicating. 

 

Once they both had finished, he took out his Chemistry notes, and started to tell Sherlock about what they had done today at the lab. Since Jim had performed the experiment, it was up to Sherlcok to write the report. He said that with an innocent smile, and an apparently accidental touch to his shoulder, and Sherlock agreed, almost stammering. 

That was one less boring task he had to do, and it would also help Sherlock not to feel useless. So far, so good. He showed him the notes and results of the experiment, and explained what he had to do the following day in order to finish it. To his surprise, Sherlock corrected him in two occasions. And he was sure now, the touches couldn't be casual. Nobody could be this innocent.

After a while, John came back and sat on the desk, ignoring them again, texting somebody. Probably Greg, he was his only close friend. 

It was late, and he had done enough for today. This things require time, one step a time. He got up slowly, making sure not to harm Sherlock. 

"I'll be back tomorrow, Sherlock". He turned towards John. "Johnny"

John looked up, slightly startled. "Hmm? Oh, right. I'll show you out." He rose from the seat, his back cracking slightly as he stretch it, before leading Jim downstairs.

"He looks better", he commented as soon as they were out of the room.

"Yeah, he does. He's been sleeping a lot more and actually eating," he agreed as the reached the hall downstairs.

"I'm happy to see that you remember our deal" He hoped there was no need to say anything else.

"We can figure another one out." He said firmly. 

He raised an eyebrow and looked at John, waiting for him to elaborate. Silences had power too, if you knew how to use them

He shrugged. "It was only made yesterday, not like I could forget it. Tomorrow I'll be in the kitchen with Greg for most of the afternoon. Don't pull anything when you're over." He moved to open the door. 

Greg. That would be interesting. "I know how to behave, Johnny", he said with an innocent smile, as he walked towards the door.

"Mm, I'm sure you do." He held the door open for him. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye, Johnny", he replied, still smiling, as he left the house.


	14. Chapter 14

As soon as John went back inside the smile left his face. He was worried. He had enjoyed working with Sherlock, really enjoyed it. He hadn’t used any mask with him; there had been no need for them. He had been _himself_ , he had relaxed and had fun. It had been...amazing.

 

And the most amazing thing was that Sherlock seemed to have enjoyed it, too. He seemed to like Jim’s company. Or...more than that. The way he had touched him...that couldn’t be accidental. The way he had looked at him...No. He couldn’t allow it.  Not like that, not being so open, being himself. He needed the masks, the deals. The control they gave to him. He needed the game, it was the only way he could do this.

 

The idea of somebody wanting _him_ , the real him....No. There had to be an explanation for Sherlock’s behaviour. He was taking medication, strong painkillers. It had to be that, he was confused. Yes. Thad made sense.

 

It had been a long day, and he had barely sleeped last night. When he arrived home, the only thing he wanted was to go to his room and rest. Of course, he couldn’t have it. He could hear his mother’s shouts from the street. He took a deep breath, and entered the house.

 

He headed to his mother’s room, there was no point in delaying it. The nurse (a different one, the company changed them often. He had stopped trying to remember their names long ago) was talking to his mother in a soothing tone, trying to calm her. It wasn’t working.

 

As soon as his mother saw him, it went worse.

 

“James!”, she shouted, almost a cry, terrified. “No, please, leave me alone!”

 

He stopped, remembering how many times he had heard his mother saying those words. It had never worked; instead it had made things worse. His father had hated weakness.

“Mum, it’s me, Jim”, he said softly, knowing that it wouldn’t work (it never had, before), but trying anyway.

 

He knew that he looked very similar to his father. Even his voice sounded almost the same. He moved a step closer, and his mother started to cry. He stopped, and went back to the door.

 

“Can’t you....give her something?”, he asked to the nurse, hating to see his mother like this.

 

She nodded, and gave her a pill. Jim looked from the door how, slowly, she relaxed, and, finally, fell asleep.

 

He left her with the nurse, and went back to his room. He felt...drained. He couldn’t face this, not today. Everything was confusing, he didn’t understand himself, he didn’t understand Sherlock, he didn’t understand John. And he was so tired...

 

He should sleep, he knew that. But he didn’t dare. He was used to nightmares, but last night had shaked him. He couldn’t dismiss the images from his mind, Sherlock’s face full of pain, his screams.

 

He spent almost two hours lying in bed, thinking and thinking. About what had happened with Sherlock. About the way he had felt after kissing Molly. About his mother. About his memories.  He couldn’t stop thinking.

 

Staying awake was an option, he had made it before. But he was tired, and John had said that Greg would be there the following day. He needed to be alert for that. So...not a good choice. That left the sleeping pills. He tried to avoid them, and only took them as a last resource. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep without them today. Dreamless sleep. Right now it sounded perfect.

 

He woke up to the alarm of his phone, after a night of chemically induced sleep. He didn’t feel rested, but it was better than anything.

 

The house was silent, so his mother would be still sleeping. He had a shower, got dressed and left for school.

 

He couldn’t focus on the classes. He needed...a distraction. Anything. But he felt too tired to plan it. Everything was boring. Everything was the same as always. Most people

didn’t even dare to look at him. The teachers looked at him with pity. The lessons were easy and predictable. Routine, hateful and not enough to stop him thinking.

 

He had lunch with Molly and Sebastian. Molly was trying to pretend that nothing had changed, and talked too much. Boring. She was much nicer when she behaved naturally. He played his role with her, answered her questions, discussed her book. Dull. His mind kept going back to his memories.

 

“Jim? I need your help with something”

 

He looked at Sebastian, surprised. Something different, something new. “Of course. Bye, Molly, see you later”, he said, kissing her cheek with a smile. The movements were empty, automatic.

 

He followed Sebastian in silence, wondering where was he going. Soon it was obvious. The broken bathroom of the third level. When they arrived, Sebastian stopped, waiting for him to oped the door. He did it, curious, and entered.

 

Sebastian entered behind him, and closed the door.

 

“What’s wrong, Jim?”

 

What was that? Where had it came from? They weren’t like that. He forced his body and his face to relax, and smiled.

 

“Nothing, Seb, Everything is fine”

 

“Sure. Have you seen your face? You look like a ghost”

 

Jim glanced at the mirror, and realized that Sebastian was right. He was pale, and looked exhausted.

 

“I’m fine”, he repeated, coldly.

 

Sebastian kept looking at him in that weird way he did lately.

 

“I’m fine”, he repeated, almost shouting. No. This wouldn’t do. Control. “Move from the door. I want to leave”, he added in a controlled tone.

 

Silently, Sebastian left the room without looking back.

 

It felt wrong. He shouldn’t have lost control like that. But...he couldn’t trust him. Or anybody. Trusting was dangerous.

 

The rest of the day was even worse. Nothing happened. Nobody talked to him, or even looked at him. Finally the classes ended, and he headed to Sherlock’s house. It was a bad idea, given his present state. But he had said that he would go.

 

He didn’t text Sherlock to say he was going; he had already showed enough weakness to him.

 

The walk to Sherlock’s house helped him to calm down. When he arrived he saw Greg at the entrance. Great. He forced a smile on his face, walking slow and confidently. He arrived just when the door was being opened.


	15. Chapter 15

John opened the door and smiled at Greg. But there was something forced in the smile. Jim ignored it; it wasn’t important. He walked inside confidently, and both of them glared at him.

 

"Sherlock is upstairs. Greg and I will be in the kitchen." John said, closing the door after Jim had entered. Jim analysed his body language. He was tense, more than yesterday. Interesting.  Had they fought? 

 

"Hello, Johnny", he replied with a smile, heading towards Sherlock's bedroom.

 

Johnny didn’t reply, and walked with Greg to the kitchen. That much for being polite. One of these days he would have fun with Johnny. Not directly, he had a deal with Sherlock, after all, but there ways to handle this without breaking him.

 

He opened the door of the bedroom, and saw Sherlock, sitting on the bed. His hair was still wet, and he was reading. He walked to the bed, and Sherlock looked up and smiled at him. He opened his mouth and started talking fast, telling him ten different ideas for the project at the same time. Returning the smile, he sat besides him and they started to work.

 

Working with Sherlock was as easy and natural as ever. But there was something strange in his behavior today. He kept touching Jim more than usual, more than yesterday. And he wasn't precisely subtle about it. Either he was totally innocent and didn't realize what he was doing, or he was doing it on purpose to provoke him. Jim studied him carefully, but wasn't sure of which was the right explanation.

 

It was _distracting_. He wanted Sherlock to stop. He wanted him to go on. He had no idea of what he wanted. He was starting to feel uncomfortable, and decided that two could play at that game. He always felt better when he was the one in control. So he started to return the touches. Noting too explicit, noting too obvious. Strangely, instead of tensing like yesterday, Sherlock seemed to enjoy it. None of them said anything about it.

 

They kept doing that for a while. Working, correcting each other's mistakes, touching. Then Jim looked at Sherlock, and found him staring at his lips, his cheeks red. What was going on here? He felt a sudden urge to kiss him, but for this to work it has to be Sherlock's decision. So he moved his hand to put a curl out of Sherlock's face, brushing his cheek and the edge of his lips.

Sherlock kept staring at him. Jim didn't move, and, after a while, Sherlock looked away and they kept working.  
  
Sherlock wanted him. He could see that clearly. Maybe as much as Jim wanted him. He forgot about the carefully traced plan. He wanted that kiss, and more than that, much more. He looked at Sherlock again, and couldn't hide the desire from his eyes. But he didn't move, didn't dare start anything. And then...Sherlock moved, and their lips touched. Just a brush, and Sherlock moved his head away, his cheeks blushed and his breathing altered.

 

Jim felt like if his whole body was on fire. "I....I should...go", he stammered, standing up. He needed to go, to think and plan. He hadn't expected this, much less his own reaction to it.

Sherlock was apologizing, explaining. But Jim needed to think, needed calm and distance. "It's okay, Sherlock. Nothing happened. I....I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow".

Without waiting for him to reply, he walked out of the bedroom, and, avoiding the kitchen where John and Greg would be, he opened the door to the street.

He needed to get away before he lost control. Opening the door, he bumped into John, who was outside with Greg smoking.

"Where's the fire?" John asked, looking at him. His expression changed to something between sadness and anger for a second.  
  
No. Not them, who hated him. Not now that his mental barriers were shattered. He almost lost control. Almost. He managed to smile, not sure if he had hidden his panic good enough.

"I have to g...go, Johnny. No fire. Just a family problem".

Had they noticed? The impulse to go, to run away, was getting stronger.  
  
John frowned but nodded. "Go on then. See you tomorrow."

 

Greg’s expression turned into a smile, and he opened his mouth, but John looked at him and he closed it again. Jim didn’t understand. Why hadn't John taken advantage of the situation? He had noticed, that much was clear.

 

 "Bye Johnny", he replied, probably a bit too fast. He walked away, but stopped as soon as he was out of sight, not sure where to go. Not home.  Not after last night. He took out his phone, and read his contact’s list. He stopped at Sebastian, but, after what had happened today...No. He didn’t want Sebastian to see him weak. Who else? He read every name, thinking. Finally, he decided to call Molly. He could be vulnerable with her, even if it wasn’t the real him. And she knew about Sherlock.

 

He hesitated for a minute. Needing help was a great weakness. But his body still felt strange, and he couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss.

 

“Can we met? Something happened-Jim”

 

He sent the text and started walking aimlessly. Seven minutes after his phone sounded with Molly’s answer

 

“Of course. Come to my house, if you want. Are you alright?- Molly”

 

“Thanks. On my way-Jim”

 

He wasn’t alright. But it wasn’t something he could discuss over texts. Molly’s parents were doctors, and kept weird hours. If Molly had invited him, it meant she was alone.

He arrived to her house twenty minutes later. Twenty minutes that he spent reliving the kiss in his mind. Because...Sherlock knew him, had seen him...and had kissed him. Him, not a persona he had created, not an act. Him. Nobody had done that before.

 

Molly opened the door, looked at him, and, without saying anything, she hug him. He allowed himself to relax slightly, and, to his own surprise, found it...conforting. She didn’t ask any question. But she would hate him if she knew the real him. So he didn’t relax totally, and played his role.

 

They didn’t talk for almost an hour. Molly let him in, and they watched tv silently. It was an idiotic show, where people sang all the time, and did nothing to distract Jim from his thoughts. When it had finished, he looked at Molly, and whispered “He kissed me”

 

Molly stared at him, clearly she hadn’t been expecting that. “Sherlock?”, she asked.

Jim nodded, and stared at his own feet. It was a calculate gesture to show insecurity. Something the persona he was when he was with her would do. He hated that it was necessary, but...he needed his masks.

 

“He kissed you”, she repeated.

 

He nodded again

 

“Sherlock, who is _dating_ John, kissed you. Sherlock, who _lives_ with John, _kissed you_ ”

 

He looked at her again, and let some of the confusion he was feeling show on his face.

 

“Yes”

 

“Why?”

 

Why? He had no idea. He remembered how Sherlock had behaved before. He had wanted it, had provoked it. He shrugged.

 

She looked at him more carefully. “And...it was...a good kiss, wasn’t it? It made you feel...good”

 

He blushed, and nodded. Again, it was a carefully controlled reaction, but...not totally fake.

 

“What happened afterwards?”

 

“He...apologized, and I left”

 

“And...John?”

 

John. He had clearly noticed something, but he did’t know how much. And he had told him to go back the following day. He shrugged again.

 

Molly didn’t ask anything else. Instead, she hugged him again. They spent the rest of the day talking about books and it was familiar and comforting.

 

“Do you want to stay for the night?”, she offered when it was getting dark outside.

 

Molly was clever. She should have noticed that he never mentioned his family, and deduced that something was wrong. He accepted her offer, knowing that he wouldn’t dare to sleep where somebody could hear him. But the idea of going back home was worse than another sleepless night, so he accepted.

 

He spent the night in Molly’s couch, thinking. Tomorrow was Saturday, and he was supposed to spent the whole day with Sherlock, studying and working in the project. He would be in control. Slowly, he rebuilt his mental barriers, preparing himself for the next day.

 

He left in the morning, with a kiss on the cheek and an encouraging smile from Molly. He felt totally in control again. No, that was not true. But...he had to believe that, or he wouldn’t dare to go to Sherlock’s house.


	16. Chapter 16

He walked to Sherlock's house. It was a long way, but he needed the time to prepare mentally. Once at the door, he stopped. He was wearing the same clothes than the day before, and...Sherlock would notice, would know how much it had affected him. He coudn't face that.

 

He took out his phone, wondering what to do. If he texted Sherlock, he would know something had happened. Johnny. Yes, he wouldn't notice, or, even if he did, he would be glad because of something hurting Jim.

 

 "Tell him I'm  not coming today-Jim".

 

He sent the text, and stated to analyse it. He had said coming, implying that he was already there. No, Johnny wouldn’t notice. He started to walk away, not knowing where to go.

 

The reply came back ten minutes later.

 

“Pity. See you tomorrow, instead, then. –JW”

 

Jim read the text, confused. Was it irony? Surely John didn't want him there. Sherlock would have told him, he always told John everything.

 

"Do you want me to go? Maybe I could make it later-Jim"

 

He shouldn't sent it. He knew that. He was revealing too much to John, already had. He sent it anyway.

 

“If you want. It's a bit tense, today, but I'm sure you knew that. I need to go out, and I'd rather Sherlock not be alone. -JW.”

  
John was going out? Leaving him alone whith Sherlock? He didn’t understand what was happening

 

"I'll be there in two hours-Jim". He sent the text, two hours would be enough to go home, have a shower, change his clothes and go back to Sherlock's house.

 

“Good.-JW”

 

 

The house was silent, his mother was still sleeping. He had a shower and dressed carefully. His clothes were part of his armor, his whole appearance was. It made him feel safer. He was somebody in charge, somebody in control.

 

When he arrived to Sherlock's house again, he felt more prepared to face him. He rang, and waited for somebody to open.

  
John opened the door, stepping back to let him in "Hi." He muttered.

  
He studied John's appearance carefully, noticing the lack of sleep, the worry, the pain. "Hi, Johnny", he replied with a smile. Control. He could do this.

 

  
John smiled back, but it was clearly forced.  "Doing alright, Jim? You left in such a hurry, yesterday." He closed the door behind Jim, leading him slowly up the stairs. "Oh and it turns out I am sticking around today. Greg is busy."

  
Yesterday. The memory came to his mind, and he almost started panicking again. Almost. He noticed the lie in John’s voice. Greg wasn’t busy, something else had happened. Strangely, he felt relieved. He wasn't sure if he could handle being alone in the house with Sherlock. Suddenly he felt vulnerable. Attack before somebody attacked you.

 

"Afraid of leaving us alone, Johnny?"

 

"Oh no. I was all for it." John glanced at him. "I do have things to do, you know. My life doesn't revolve around you."

  
He didn't want to enter the room, not yet. "I did honor my deal, Johnny. You know i always do"

  
John stopped just outside the door. "I know, Jim. Believe me, I know. Our deal holds. But I am not staying in the room with you two. I refuse. So, have fun not panicking." He chuckled humorlessly.

  
   
He paled. John knew, and would use it against him. He couldn' t have weaknesses. He fought the impulse to run away. This was nothing, he had faced much worse things. He could do this. He turned around without saying anything, and opened the door.

 

Sherlock looked even worse than John. It was obvious that he hadn't slept at all, and...his arm was bandaged. Had John forgot their deal? He was suposed to get rid of the blades. He walked to the bed carefully, and sat on it. "We have work to do", he said, cold and distant.

 

Sherlock was tense, he could see it in his body language.  Almost as tense as Jim was feeling.  And he hid it almost as good as Jim did.  They started to work, and it was as brilliant as always. The...connection between them was stronger than ever.

 

But Jim kept behaving coldly, remaining in control. He didn’t touch Sherlock at all, and Sherlock was very careful not to touch him more than the strictly required. The atmosphere was tense, and something was missing. Jim hated it.

He was very conscious of every single time Sherlock touched him. It wasn’t like the day before, Sherlock was trying to behave naturally, not looking for anything.

 

It was distracting. It was confusing. His own body reacted to Sherlock’s, and made it very difficult to focus. And it wasn’t only that. His mind kept going back to the kiss, to how it had made him feel. He wasn’t able to think about anything else.

 

He tried to hide his reactions, but he was sure that Sherlock had noticed something. Finally, needing to calm down, he told him that he had to go to the bathroom and left the room. It was obviously a lie, but Sherlock didn't say anything.

 

He found John sitting in the hall, back against the wall. He looked at him with an strange expression, and Jim prepared himself for an attack. But it didn’t come.

 

"Alright?" John asked in a gentle tone.

 

"J...Johnny", he replied, feeling exposed.

 

He knew he was altered, and it wasn't difficult to read it on his body if you know where to look. Did John know?

 

Hide your weaknesses if you have them. Don't let anybody see them. It was a lesson he had learnt very soon. Attack before you are attacked. "You told me you'd get rid of the blades", he said, after an ankward pause.

  
"I did. But Sherlock and I had a deal that if one of us self harmed, the other would do the same but with three extra. No blades, so due to yesterday, I had to use a lighter." He grimaced. "He copped on. Couldn't break the deal or he'd have himself killed by now. I did eight. He did eleven."

  
He could remember it clearly, even after all those years. The feeling of the fire against his skin, the sharp and intense pain, the smell of burnt skin. He blinked, dismissing the memories. The past was long gone, and not coming back. He realized he had been rubbing his chest, over one of the marks (the first one, the unexpected one), and stopped.

 

"Then don't do it again".

 

He didn't want Sherlock hurt. Apparently that meant that John would have to stop self harming.

 

"Johnny...yesterday...it meant nothing to Sherlock. He is....so innocent, I don't think he realised what he was doing".

 

His own words hurt, but they were true. Why else would Sherlock kiss him?  
 

John rose his eyebrows in surprise. "You are joking, right? Dude, Sherlock is besotted with you. You're all.. Danger and whatever to him. I'm safe and comforting while you're like an adrenaline rush. He's got it for you, bad. I barely have a chance."

  
"Don't be an idiot" That couldn't be true. And...even if it was...emotions were too dangerous. "How long does an adrenaline rush last? He needs _safe and conforting_ ". He wanted, needed Sherlock to be safe. Another weakness.

 

John laughed bitterly. "I can't even keep him safe." He pulled his knees to his chest. "I'll destroy him, eventually. He's already been hurt because of me. He now has a bandaged arm, because I couldn't hold myself together. His ribs are fractured, because of my dad. I'm not exactly a safety blanket."

 

Jim stared at him, speechless. And then John looked him in the eyes, and kept on talking

 

 "You care about him," he whispered. "I can see it. Not as clearly as you two can read people, but I'm not blind. You care more than you admit. I know you hide, more than most, but… you can't hide all the time. Nobody can. Just like I can't. Just like Sherlock can't. You reach a point where you snap, and I reckon you already snapped and built bigger walls. Sherlock brought them crumbling, didn't he? He did the same to me. You completely snapped me in half, and I didn't speak to anyone for months, nearly a year. Nobody but my parents, but that doesn't count. And he broke that. All the walls. Scary, isn't it?"

  
John's words were like knives. It hurt. He didn't want to care. Caring only brought more pain. This wasn't scary, this was terrifying. He opened the mouth, and closed it again. He felt vulnerable and exposed, in a way he hadn't in years. He had to get out of here. To hide, before he lost control completely.

  
"Bathroom is that way." He pointed down the hall. "Or use that room, if you feel the need to destroy anything or just cry." He pointed to a room opposite Sherlock’s. "There is no point leaving though. You'd be running away, and since when did that ever work?"

  
"Why aren't you..."   using this against me. Hurting me. It didn't make sense. John hated him, why was he being....nice? What did he want? Unable to say anything else, he entered the room John had told him he could go to and closed the door.

 

He hated feeling this way. He was a child again, helpless and terrified. He run to the further corner of the room, curled around himself and cried. He didn't do any sound, sounds were dangerous.


	17. Chapter 17

He hadn't cried since _that_ night, the one that finally had made him decide to act. Tears were a weakness, something people would use to hurt him. But now that he had started, he didn't seem to be able to stop. Or to stay silent. Knowing that John was probably still on the other side of the door, and could hear it, only made it worse. He felt...broken.

 

He didn't know how much time he stayed like that, crying in the darkness. But finally the tears stopped, and he didn't know what to do. There was no way he could hide this from John, or - from Sherlock. They would know. They would use it to hurt him, they would tell everybody how weak he was. They would know how weak he was. Sherlock would know.

 

He tried to regain control, to distance himself from the emotions again, but it was hard, very hard. He started pacing across the room, pondering what to do. Going out of the room and facing John, or, even worse, going back to Sherlock’s room and see how he noticed...no, he couldn’t face that.

 

He felt desperate. Never show weakness; he should have known better by now. A sound interrupted his thoughts, and surprised, he read a text on his phone.

  
“Everything that happens in this house,  stays in this house. Nobody will know and I, for one, will not use this against you.- John”

 

He stared at the text, confused. It didn't make sense. Was he telling the truth? It was difficult to say with a text. If he saw his face, he would know if he was lying. He took a deep breath, and opened the door. As he had expected, John was there.

 

"Why? What do you want?" His voice sounded broken, and he hated that. He was stronger than this.

  
"I just want you to be okay." he replied, looking Jim in the eyes. "Nobody deserves to suffer alone nor to suffer at all. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, including you. It's okay, not to be okay."

 

He was telling the truth. John had always been easy to read, and he was being totally honest. But it didn’t make sense. "I don't understand", he admitted. John had to have a hidden motive. Maybe he was waiting for the right moment to strike.

  
He shrugged. "I know. You spend your days causing fear and hatred and distrust. But when it comes down to it, you're just trying to gain the control you never had. Most of the deals you hang over people's heads are trivial. Stuff that most others don't really think or care about. But then you hit a goldmine with a handful of people. And you do to them, what was done to you. I get it. And... It's okay. Because you just want to feel better in yourself, because you deserve it."

 

Jim stared at him, speechless. John looked sad, and...as broken as Jim felt.

 

"We all do what we can to get through the day and to hold it together.", John added, without looking away.

 

He kept staring at John. How was he supposed to deal with that? Pain was easy, fear was familiar enough. But this...this was totally new, and he had no idea of what to do. John had seen him. Not totally, but more than anybody. And he wasn't taking advantage of it. He was being....kind.

 

"Johnny, I...". He looked at him again. Total honesty. Did he really believe that what he did was okay?  After what Jim had done to him? The silence was becoming awkward, he had to say something. John had been wrong about one thing. He shouldn't tell him, it meant giving him more information, but he had to say something, and it was the only thing he could think about right now. "I'd never do it to anybody. What was done to me. Never"

 

  
John nodded slowly, and Jim noticed how some of the tension left John’s shoulder. Had he been...afraid of him? It made him fel slightly better. Control.

 

"I won't ask what was done to you. You already know what was and still is being done to me, and just like you, I wouldn't do that to anyone."

 

Jim had never heard John speaking this much before, and, as he still had no idea of what to say, he kept listening. 

 

"I just.. I want you to know that not everybody is cruel and out to hurt the other. Some people are kind and understanding." A bitter smile appeared on John’s face for a second, and Jim wondered what he had been thinking.

 

"And Jim, for God's sake stop calling me Johnny."

 

John's father was also called John. Why did he want to be called by that name? Jim didn't want to use his real name, hadn't used it in seven years. James was his father. He was Jim. Ante the other thing he had said....that wasn't true. Nobody had been kind, or understanding. Some had showed him pity, but he has hated that more than anything.

 

"Why do you care? You should hate me"

 

John looked at him almost as if he could read his mind, and Jim felt...exposed. He didn’t like it.

 

"Nobody called my dad John. Always Johnny. It's what he started calling me. So I stick with John," he explained calmly. "I should hate you, but I don't. I did at the time but, can you blame me? You were going to tell people... _that_. I should rip you apart," he laughed without humor. "But what's the point in hating you? You're just as lost and hurt as the rest of us."  
 

He stared at John. He didn't hate him? After everything? John didn't owe him anything. Didn't pity him. Didn't want anything from him. "I don't understand you...John"

He smiled. "I don't think anyone does. I sure don't. But, does it matter? I'm not lying and I genuinely do care, surprise surprise."  
  
Total honesty on his face. It was...overwhelming. John had seen through him; John had reasons to hate him. And yet...he cared.

"So that's what he sees in you", he muttered., glancing at Sherlock’s door There was no noise coming from the bedroom. He'd probably had fallen asleep,  judging by how tired he had been.  
 

 "What do you mean?"  John asked, frowning.

 

He moved closer to John, studying him carefully, as if he was seeing him for the first time. "You care. Even about me. But you don't pity me, don't want anything from me. You don't owe me anything. I' ve never helped you in any way. I've tried to hurt you. I've hurt you. And yet, you care. You cared about him, too. Since you met him. Such loyalty. It doesn't seem real"

  
"I guess I dealt with my trauma better than most," he shrugged. "But what has that got to do with what Sherlock sees in me? Fantastic, I'm loyal. Like a dog, great. Look where it's got me."  
  
He glanced at Sherlock's door again. "Loyalty is a rare quality, John. And...you are here, aren't you? He let you in. He let you help him, he let you see him weak. Sherlock..." He closed his eyes, trying to distance himself. Why was he telling John this? Sherlock. He wanted him whole. Needed him whole.

 

He didn't want to say the next words. They were true, and he didn't want them to be. Distance and self control seemed very far away, now. "...he is yours. Can't you see it? The kiss...it meant nothing to him. I'm a puzzle, a game. You....take care of him". The kiss hadn't meant anything to Sherlock. He was behaving exactly the same. But to Jim...No, thinking about that was dangerous.  
  
  
John stared at him in shock. "Why are you saying this to me? I thought you wanted him. Him kissing you proved that he wants you too. He was always scared to touch me, scared for me to touch him." He swallowed thickly, eyes watering. "He thinks I pity him. The only reason he shows remorse over kissing you, is because I looked so bloody hurt. In regards to taking care of him, I've been doing a piss poor job."  
   
"I want him". And that was the problem. He wanted him, he cared for him _. You really like him, don’t you?_   Dangerous. He couldn't own him without breaking him, and the idea of him broken made Jim uncomfortable. He wanted Sherlock to be whole, and he needed John for that.

 

"He is...brilliant. Amazing. I want him to become everything he could. I want him...happy. I...i can't give him that. You can". He shouldn't be saying this to John. Reckless, dangerous. No. He was being too open, to...vulnerable. He changed the tone of his voice, adopting a colder one. "And...if you ever tell anybody, if you ever tell him...." what? It was an empty threat. He wouldn't do anything to John, not after him...caring.  
   
John chewed on his lip, looking sad. "I think you think to little of yourself, Jim. You don't see yourself around him. I've seen it. You're so...good to him. You've kept him safer than I could ever hope to. You interest him more than I ever can. He is always happier after talking to you. I just hold him back."  
   
  
No lies on his face. He really believed that. But he didn't know Jim. "I would only break him". It was the only way he knew, apart from his usual power games.  
   
  
"And I wouldn't break him?" He shook his head. "I'd turn into my dad. Rip him apart. I nearly did last week. I will completely ruin him"

 

Jim could take advantage of that, feed that fear in John. He could use that to break them up. It would be easy. But...that would destroy Sherlock. "You want him happy, too", he stated.

 

“Course I want him happy. I love him. And if giving him up is what keeps him happy and safe... I'll do it. No matter how much it hurts."  
   
   
Losing John would break Sherlock. It almost had. John wanted Sherlock happy, even if he wasn't with him. And...so did Jim. The idea was terrifying. What about Sherlock? What did he want? He though about what he knew, about what he had observed, about what John had told him. "He want both of us", he stated. It was obvious.  
   
"I know... He needs to decide for himself. I asked him yesterday and I think he just said me, because he was scared," John replied,  running a hand through his hair. "He has to decide, with both of us in the room. Is he awake?"  
   
Jim walked to the door and looked inside. Sherlock was sleeping. And he seemed to be having a nightmare, giving the way he was moving in his sleep. He closed the door and went back to John.

 

Sherlock wouldn’t be able to choose that without feeling guilty. "I though that you didn't want him hurt", he replied, thinking. John had said he was happier after being with Jim. And...he also looked happier when he was with John. "He needs both of us", he realised, surprised.

 

"So what do we do?" John asked, looking up with a frown.

 

He still was shaken from the day before, and the conversation with John had brought back too many memories. He could stay awake for five days, but it didn't mean that he wasn't tired, having barely slept this week . "I don't know", he replied after a while. "But it's true, he needs us. You can see it too"

"When I think about it now, yeah you're right." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I need tea, if I'm to try and handle this today," he rose to his feet. "Can I offer you a cuppa?"

"Sounds good", he replied, surprised. John was proving to be a very different person than he had thought.


	18. Chapter 18

He followed John to the kitchen, still thinking about what had just happened. It was strange, being so open with somebody. It made him feel vulnarable, and he'd probably regret it, but...John had said  he wouldn't use it against him, and hadn't been lying. He didn’t trust him, of course, but...what other choice did he have? He observed as John he flicked on the kettle, and decided that being polite was the best course of action.

"Need any help?" He offered.

  
John glanced at him, a grateful smile tugging at his lips. "No, you're alright. I can manage. How do you take your tea?" He asked, taking down two mugs.

In that moment John’s his sleeves slipped down to show the marks of untreated burns. They hadn’t been there the day before, he would have seen them. So...John had done that to himself because...Oh. Because Sherlock had told him about the kiss.    
   
"A bit of milk, no sugar", he replied, looking at John's arms. "Burns can get infected if untreated. If that happens, they need to remove the flesh around to keep the infection from expanding", he said, softly. Sherlock’s burns had been treated, he had seen the bandage. John’s doing, surely. Why hadn’t he attended to his own? Stupid.

 

Joh nodded, pouring the boiling water. "I know." He said quietly, focusing on the tea. "Same with any wound."

 

Jim didn’t understand. Why would anybody want pain? Knowing what he knew about John’s past made it more difficult to understand. Hadn’t he received enough harm from others? Why do it to himself? It was clear that he _wanted_ to be in pain.  
  
Burns were dangerous. They left the body vulnerable, and prone to infections. He still had marks on his chest from when...No. He stopped that memory, and buried it again.

 

"Not the same. Fire exposes the deeper parts of the skin to the air, and neutralices the inmunitary response in the area. You really should do something about it".

 

He though about offering to help, but he didn't know if it John would accept it. John was looking at him, thoughtful.

 

"You've done it before", he commented, passing Jim the tea. He took it, and observed as John got a medical kit from under the sink and rolled up his sleeve, beginning to treat his burns.

 

"Yes", he replied, as the image came back to his mind. The infection, the fever, the constant pain. He tried to  focus on other things. Those were memories he didn't want to remember. "Do you want me to do it?", he offered, almost regretting it as soon as he finished speaking.

 

"Thanks, but I know what to do."

 

Jim didn’t say anything as he saw how John applied antiseptic over the burns. It was obvious that he had done it before, too.

 

"Um," John started awkwardly, looking at Jim. "Could you help me, please?" he asked timidly, pointing to the bandages.

 

Without saying anything, he got up and took them. He started to put them over the injured arm carefully, making sure that all the burns were covered and that the bandage would stay in place. It had been a long time since he had done it, but some things were difficult to forget.

 

John let out a huff of air as Jim secured the bandages. "Thank you." He said softly, looking at his arm.

 

"You are welcome", he replied, feeling strangely ankward.

 

He went back to his chair and kept drinking his tea. He had made those burns to John, in a way. He didn't quite understand why somebody would willingly cause pain to himself, when there was so much pain in the world already, but he guessed that  it was a way of dealing with anxiety. Now he knew that hurting John meant hurting Sherlock, and it made him feel...unconfortable.

 

"They will scar", he commented. Fire always left marks.

 

"I'm aware," John replied, picking up his tea and sitting across from Jim. "I used to do it all the time, between ages 12 and 14"

 

"I don't understand", he replied, still unsure about this whole situation. But it felt good to be able to talk to somebody. "Why cause more pain? Didn't you have enough pain in your life?"

 

"I do it because it takes the focus off the pain that others caused. I focus on the pain I have caused and I can control it at whim. So when he would spend the night using me however he pleased, I would go to me room and cause myself pain that I could control. I couldn't control what he did, but I could control that. But then I guess I reached a point where I hated myself so much, I did it as punishment. I deserved it."

 

He heard what John wasn't telling him. The way Jim's actions had affected him. He had made it worse, for John. He had broken him, on purpose, and known what he was doing.

 

The unconfortable feeling was stronger. Guilt? That was new, too. "What I did to you...", he started. He had known how it would affect John, had done it for that reason. When he was bored, when he wasn't playing with people, memories came back. "...I shouldn't have done it"

  
"Why did you?" John asked weakly. "I mean... In fact, I don't understand how you could make me do that stuff. I still have those scars. I'm not trying to guilt trip you, not at all, but... that was worse than some of the stuff my dad has done."

 

Jim remembered how he had threatened to tell people about John’s father. How he had made him cut words into his thighs. How he had played with his guilt, and made him believe that it was his fault, that he deserved it.  It went on for months until John had finally snapped and lashed out at Sebastian, for sitting behind him in class and whispering those words that he had carved, right into his ear.

It had been when his mother's illness had progressed suddenly, when she had started to confuse him with his father. He had found out about John's situation, and had needed to keep his mind busy with something. He thought about John's words, looking for a way to explain without revealing too much about himself.

 

"You said you did it to feel in control. I...I need to be in control. Something...bad happened, around the time i found out about you.". He stopped speaking, suddenly scared. He shouldn't trust John. Or anybody.

John took a shaky breath. "Okay… I can get that." He drained the last of the tea. "I'm not angry about it. I just wanted to understand."

 

That made him lose control. John wasn't even angry. "How can you be so...understanding? I hurt you. I planned it carefully, knowing how it would break you. I did it to stop thinking, to be in control. No reason beyond that. Only because I...how did they say it? Oh, yes. Have _psychopathic tendencies_. It's the polite way to say I am evil, you know? And you...you are not angry. You _understand_ it! How can you be like that?"

 

He was shouting by the end, fighting the tears. What was wrong with him today?

 

John didn’t say anything for a while, clearly giving him time to calm down. Or maybe...Jim noticed John’s hands shaking. Maybe John needed the time, too.

"I've dealt with worse than you, Jim. I understand it because, frankly, it's not that hard to get. It's how you cope. Just like I destroy myself, you destroy others." John said, keeping his voice calm and holding eye contact.

 

"Worse than me? He wrote an article about it! _Increasing pain tolerance through regular administration since early childhood_. The idiot actually sent it for publishing, that's how..." He froze. What had he done? He had talked too much.

"Yes, worse than you."

 

Control. He needed to regain control. This is what came with emotions. He needed distance. The worst part was that John was...calm and in control. He decided to hide. To act as if he didn't care, as if it wasn’t important. He was a very good actor. It had saved him from a lot of pain.

 

"It's not a competition. I was trying to...apologize."

 

"I know. I was accepting it." John gave him a small smile and rose to make more tea. "Jim, I'm not going to press you to tell me your past, but don't act like I'm about to laugh at you or use it against you. I won't. I give you my word."

"That's what people do. That, or pity me. You...."He looked at him carefully. Total honesty again. "...you are _different_ ", he muttered. He didn't know how to react to that. It made him want to tell John about it. "Don't tell him", he added. The idea of Sherlock knowing, of him looking at him with pity...he couldn't have that

 

"Of course not. It's not mine to tell."

 

They took another cup of tea, silently, and slowly, Jim relaxed. John wasn't attacking him, wasn't trying to get anything from him. It was...surprisingly nice. John invited him to stay for the rest of the day, and Jim accepted. They still had to figure out what to do, and nobody would miss him at home.

 

“So....what do we do?”, John asked, as he washed the mugs.

 

Sherlock would be miserable without John. And, if he had said the truth (and Jim would have noticed if he hadn’t), without Jim too.

 

“We keep him safe. We keep him happy”. It was obvious.

 

John dried his hands and sat besides him.. "If we want to do that, we have to find out  in what way he wants either of us. For all we know, he wants me as comfort and someone to stop him relapsing" He shrugged.

 

"He trusts you". It was easy to see why. He was starting to trust John, in a way. "He doesn't trust me. He wants me, that is easy to see, but...maybe it's just that".

 

"On an intellectual level, you two are on par. I'm just a shoulder to cry no. He wants you on a more physical level. Me on a more... supportive level."

 

"I'm not good at being...supportive", he replied. He recalled the way Sherlock had looked at him just before the kiss. Yes, Sherlock wanted him. But he also wanted John. Sometimes he had seen Sherlock looking at John in the same way. "And he also wants you...physically".

 

"Not the way he wants you. He's scared to touch me, now. Has been since we met”.

 

There was something in John's tone...something he wasn't saying. The answer had came too fast. He looked at him carefully, and thought about what he knew.

 

"He isn't scared. _You_ are", he stated.

 

John bit his lip, stilling. "That obvious?" He asked softly, staring at his hands.

 

"If you know where to look, yes. But most people doesn't, don't worry.", he replied softly, noticing John reaction. "If I can see it, Sherlock probably can, too. Maybe that's why he doesn't..." he paused. He wasn't sure about that, it was just a guess. But that would explain why John believed that Sherlock didn’t want him. If Sherlock had noticed John’s fear, he wouldn’t dare to touch him.

 

John shrugged. "I don't know... I mean, he is scared to touch me in case I don't want it. I-I do but... Like you said, I'm scared."

 

He remembered that fear. The sensation that every touch would bring pain.  "It will go away", he said, noticing how open and vulnerable John was right now, how _easy_ it would be to break him. Strangely, he didn't feel the power over him attractive at all.

 

After a minute of silence, John pulled himself together, and looked at him again. "I know. It had gone away for a bit, but then _he_ attacked me. Then it was starting to get okay, and _he_ attacked Sherlock. We were perfectly fine yesterday morning." He blushed and paused before continuing. "And then _that_ happened and yeah, here we are."

 

_That_. The kiss. He looked away, feeling uncomfortable. "I didn't plan it. I...I stopped him. You know I never break a deal", he replied, softly.

 

"I know, I got that when you practically ran from here yesterday." So he had noticed. He still didn’t understand why John hadn’t used it against him.

 

Then John's words registered in his brain.   _He attacked Sherlock_. "Did he...I mean....Sherlock...your father didn't...". Surely not, it would show in his behaviour.

 

John looked at him confused, and then he paled. "Oh no, no! God, no. You think I'd let that man live if he did that?"

 

"Good", he said, relieved. The idea of Sherlock being hurt, being attacked....No. He had to stop thinking that way.

 

And...maybe he had been reading this wrong. Maybe Sherlock didn’t need him at all. "You were _perfectly fine,_ yesterday", he muttered, repeating John's words.

 

John smiled, but the expression transmitted sadness. "Well.. For about half an hour.. Then he got upset because I let him touch me, but I didn't touch him. Then you came over, about, an hour later. Maybe perfect is an overstatement. By a mile."

 

"So Sherlock wants physically both of us. Emotionally you. And intellectually me. Is that right?" He could read Sherlock quite well, but John knew him better.

 

"It seems so," John agreed, looking him in the eyes. "Bit of an awkward situation, isn't it?"

 

"Indeed", he replied, looking back.  "So...what do we do now?"


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everybody who had left comments and kudos; they always make me smile. And, of course, the amazing tearmyheartopentofeel, who made this posible.

They stayed silent for a while, staring at each other. It was starting to be awkward when John looked away.

 

"I honestly don't know. And just to clarify, I'm not attracted to you on a... intimate level", John muttered, looking at the table

 

"That's obvious. I'm surprised you don't hate me, to be honest" Why had John said that? Did he think he was...surely not. "Did you think I was....attracted to you? Because I'm not. I mean...you are different than I thought you were, but...no. Not that way"

 

"Oh, no no! I was just clarifying. No false messages, or whatever. Okay. Yeah. Good." John answered, awkwardly.

 

"Good", he repeated, feeling like and idiot. "So...you like him. I....like him. And we...tolerate each other. Is that right?"

 

"Sounds about right, yeah. But I reckon with time, we could actually be... friends." John replied hesitantly.

 

"Friends", he repeated again. the word felt strange in his mouth. He didn't have friends. He had people who feared him, or people who owed him favours. Friends implied something different, like...trust. He thought about to be able to talk like this with John again, and he liked the idea.

 

"That sounds...good", he replied, cautious.

 

John  smiled, relaxing. "Good. I'd quite like that, you know."

 

He smiled back. Not the carefully controlled smile that usually appeared on his face, but a true one. He still wasn't sure about this, but it had been a long time since he had been able to relax with somebody. With Sherlock, there was always that tension. And he couldn't be himself with anybody else. It was worth a try.

 

"What do we do about him?" he asked after a while

 

John hummed in thought. "I'll see if he's awake and we can see what he thinks, I suppose."

 

"Right. I....I'll wait for you here, then", he replied, feeling ankward

 

"You might as well come with me. If he does want to discuss it, he won't be leaving that room."

 

"Give me a minute", he replied. He got up and washed his face in the sink, trying to erase the signs of his previous emotions. Then he composed his face carefully, hiding behind a blank expression. "Let's go"

 

"Christ that's scary." John muttered, staring at him. Then he turned and led him upstairs.

 

 

John knocked lightly on the door, stepping inside with Jim behind him. "Sherlock, you awake?", he asked softly.

 

Jim heard Sherlock’s sleepy voice, muttering a “Yes”.  Jim stayed behind John. He was thinking of the hundred of ways this could go wrong, and it was making him...scared.

  
John walked closer until he was at the edge of the bed. "Just checking, you were asleep earlier."

Jim walked closer too, noticing how John had suddenly became very nervous. He was, too, but he was better at hiding than John.

 

"Eh, Sherlock...Jim and I need to talk to you about something."

 

"It sounds...important", Sherlock replied, carefully  
  
Jim didn't sit, he was having enough trouble to stay in control now; if Sherlock touched him it would he almost imposible. When Sherlock looked at him, he did his best to hide everything.

 

John nodded, and glanced at Jim before speaking. "We realize that you are... attracted to us both. And it'd be just cruel to ask you to pick one of us, when really you need us both. Am I right, so far?"

 

"W...What?", Sherlock answered replied, staring at both of them.

  
Jim moved a step closer to John; he wanted to help him, but this sort of conversations were a new territory for him. "Relax, Sherlock. We are just talking", he said, softly.  
  
He noticed John’s body relaxing slightly, and when he spoke he sounded more confident than before. "Jim and I have talked and agreed that it'd be best to get your opinion on how to go about this, before taking any proper steps. But it's all baby steps anyway."

 

Jim smiled at Sherlock's expression. He seemed so lost..."Stop freaking out, Sherlock. We are okay with it.  Right, John?"

John nodded, smiling softly. "Course we are. We wouldn't be even talking about it, if we weren't." He assured Sherlock, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

 

"But...this is....wrong. I shouldn't like both of you. I mean...it's not...normal", he stammered, looking from one to the other.  
  
"Since when are you normal? Normal is _boring_ ", replied Jim, trying to calm Sherlock.

 

Sherlock looked at him, confused, and then turned to look at John. "You don't have to do this".

 

That was it, then. He knew what would happen now. John would change his mind, and everything would go back to normal. It...hurt.

 

John’s soft voice surprised him. "I want to. _We_ want to".  
  
Jim observed John's body language and noticed insecurity. "I think you two should talk about it first", he offered. He was starting to feel out of place here. _They are good together._ What the hell was he doing?

 

John looked at Jim anxiously. "Maybe you're right." He sighed.

 

"I'll be in the other room, then. Call me if...when you want me back", he replied, moving towards the door.

 

He walked to the other room and sat on the bed. This was a mistake, a huge one. He stared at his feet, wondering how long it would take them to realize that, and come to tell him to go home. He shouldn't be here. Maybe he should leave now, and save them the trouble.

 

He looked up when he heard John’s steps. Too late. The door opened, and John entered. Jim observed his body language. Happy, relaxed. They were together again. Of course they were. What had he been thinking? He kept his emotions out of his face, and stood up. Attack before you are attacked. No. He’d still have the game.  He swallowed the angry remark he was going to say, and waited silently for John to say something.

"We talked it out and he is pretty happy, if not nervous, to have us both." he said after a pause. "Still up for it?"

He stared at John, speechless. Total honesty again. This couldn't be real. Suddenly he felt afraid. A...relationship, with Sherlock. Without power games, without controlling him, without hiding behind a character. Being himself. He couldn't do that. How did people do that? Let other people in, let them see themselves? He was panicking. In front of John. Control, he was in control of his body.

"Hey, it's okay. We'll do a trial run. No serious commitment yet. Baby steps, first, remember?"

He closed his eyes, and forced his body to relax. He was in control. "Of course", he replied, keeping his voice emotionless. He was sure John could see through him now, but he needed the familiar movements, the sensation of being in control.

"Come on then." John said, grabbing Jim's hand and half dragging him towards the door.

John's hand was strangely comforting. He followed him, preparing mentally for the meeting with Sherlock. He had no idea of what to tell him.

  
When he entered the room, Sherlock looked at him. He felt it as soon as their eyes met. Their connection, stronger than ever. Jim hid all his fears deep down, and walked silently to the bed, keeping eye contact the whole time. Sherlock was nervous. He was biting his lips and his shoulders were tense. Jim sat on the bed, and, slowly, touched his cheek. "Relax, Sherlock", he said, as he noticed how his touch was having the opposite effect.

Sherlock shivered at the contact, closed his eyes for a second and then he looked at John, who nodded, smiling.  

 

Jim kept looking at Sherlock, projecting a calm he wasn't feeling. Sherlock was relaxing, now, and was looking at him waiting for him to do something. No masks, no games. It was difficult to keep everything under control. What to do? He couldn't appear hesitant, Sherlock needed somebody who knew what he was doing. Finally he kissed his forehead, almost overwhelmed by emotions. He managed to keep in control, barely. "You should eat something", he said, standing up.

 

"I'll put something together." John said softly, slipping out of the room.

 

Jim had intended to leave the room himself, in order to have some time to focus. Instead he found himself alone with Sherlock in the room. As soon as John left the room, Sherlock grabbed his hand until he was siting on the bed again. Before he had time to analyse what was happening, Sherlock kissed him. No doubts, no hesitation, no guilt. Pure fire. Jim stopped thinking, and kissed him back, trying to regain control over the situation.

 

The kiss broke his mental barriers, already shattered. It was impossible to be in control, impossible to think. He kept kissing Sherlock until he knew he would break if he continued. In that moment he moved away, slowly, to have time to hide his expression. "So this is what you understand by _baby steps_. Interesting", he said, forcing his face to smile. Sherlock was smiling too, and looked...happy.

 

He needed a moment alone, he knew that. There was a huge difference between playing a role, pretending to be somebody and play the game with another person, and this...raw and intense, almost unbearable. He felt relieved when he heard John's steps outside the door. "That's John with the food, surely. I'll go washing my hands". An excuse, but with a part of truth, the best kind of lies.

 

Jim locked himself in the bathroom, feeling scared. He wasn't sure if he could do this. He had been so...vulnerable. Emotions were dangerous. He didn't have much time, they would be waiting for him, and he had showed enough weakness for today. He washed his face, composed himself and walked back to the room, still shaken, but able to hide it better


	20. Chapter 20

When he came back to the room, Sherlock and John were sitting on the bed, eating. They looked relaxed and happy. He entered silently, and sat on a chair. On the desk there was a third bowl, filled half way with pasta and a bit of sauce. He took it hesitant, and John looked at him. When he talked, his tone was soft.

 

"I didn't know how much you eat, but if you want more there's a pot of it downstairs."

 

"Thank you John. It's okay". It was more than enough. As a child, food had been a reward when he did something his father wanted,  something he had to earn. Even years after that, he didn't eat much. He started to eat silently. It was surprisingly good.

 

He ate quickly, as he always did. After a while, John’s phone sounded with a text. He paled, muttered an excuse and left the room. Something was clearly wrong. Jim  looked at Sherlock in a silent question, but he shook his head. So he didn't know either. Jim ate as much as he could (about half of what John had served him), and started talking with Sherlock about the project. It was a safe topic; Sherlock kept glancing at the door every now and then, barely paying any attention to what Jim was saying.

 

When John entered the room, they both stayed silent, observing him and trying to deduce what had happened. Jim noticed the expression of fear and anger, barely hidden. It couldn't be. John's father was in prison.

 

John stopped, seeing them both staring at him. "My father is only getting four years in prison and the abuse charges aren't being followed up." he explained quietly, stuffing his hands in his pockets to stop them from shaking. "And my mum is looking for me."

 

Jim watched Sherlock pale face, his eyes opened in fear; he saw how John could barely stand, his whole body shacking. "Give me a laptop", he said, feeling in control again. This was something he could do, without needing to deal with his emotions.

 

John pointed to the laptop under the desk Jim was sitting at, moving to sit on the floor. He was shaking too much and couldn't make it to the bed or a chair. He wrapped his arms around his legs, his chin resting on his knees.

 

Jim started the laptop, and tried to hack into the police network. It wasn't particularly difficult, he had done it before, but it took time to make sure he wasn't detected without using his own computer.

 

When he looked up again, Sherlock was sitting besides John and was hugging him. John had his eyes closed, and was still trembling. They were talking in whispers, but he was close, and it was impossible not to hear.

 "It's okay, John. Nobody will hurt you"

 "I hope you never meet her Sherlock, I really do. She's worse than my dad."

 "Worse than him? How could she be worse?"  
  
Jim looked up from the computer again.  It could always be worse, and John didn't need to be reminded. "Sherlock, I need silence for this", he said, looking at the screen again.

He heard them kissing, but he didn’t look up, focusing on his work. He supposed that it should bother him that Sherlock was kissing John, but it didn't. After all, Sherlock had kissed him too.

 

It took almost twenty minutes, only because he was being really careful not to leave any track. "I'm in. We can't change anything, but we can see all the files. Come"

 

John rose, helping Sherlock up carefully. He helped him over to the desk so they could peer over Jim's shoulder. 

 

He had seen it before, but they didn’t need to know that. It was ordered by the codes of the offence. He knew the code for child abuse, so he opened that folder. Open and closed cases. He clicked open. There were ordered by names of suspects. He glanced at the file of Moriarty, James, and moved the screen quickly. Watson, John. He opened it. There were several files: medical reports, interviews, psychological evaluations...."What do you want to see?"

 

"Psychological evaluation" John said finally, after a long pause.

 

He opened the folder. There were eight different documents, chronologically ordered. He opened the last one.

 

Jim read the report, worried. It wasn't as bad as his, but it was pretty bad. Anxiety disorder, eating disorder, depression...It also mentioned delusions and pathological lies, based on an interview with John's mother. "You need to have an independent psychological evaluation. Have they even talked to you, or it's just based on your parent's interview?"

 

"It's always been through my parents. Nobody ever spoke directly to me, unless it was the school. Who, may I add, believed me for a total of two hours." he said bitterly.

"They will", stated Jim, observing how Sherlock was holding John's hand. Again, he wondered what the hell he was doing here. The game was easier to understand. He focused on the screen. Even with this report, there had to be forensic evidence of the abuse. Surely John had gone to a hospital, collected the evidence. "They will make you an official evaluation, make you testify. Make you talk about everything to a judge and a psychologist. In detail."

 

John paled even more at that.  "Maybe it's better to just leave it," he muttered.

 

"There will also be physical examinations. To collect evidence. Your...scars will corroborate these evaluations". Specially the ones forming words he had made John make. He hoped there would be enough evidence against John's parents. He keep opening the files, looking for medical reports.

 

John ran his free hand through his hair, pulling at it in frustration. "If you're looking for medical reports, you'll find none. I've never been to a hospital for any form of check up"

He turned around, and looked at them. Sherlock looked more frightened than John, if possible. "So you are basically telling me that there's no proof of anything he had done to you. No medical reports, no evidence, no witnesses"

 

"That's exactly what I'm telling you," John confirmed, his hands shaking slightly. "A few other people know, I guess, but they are just as sick as he is."

 

"You are wrong", replied Sherlock, softly, still holding John

 

He looked at Sherlock, frowning. "What do you mean?"

 

"A doctor saw you, remember? He can write a report of the attack. And we have your phone, the texts he sent you"

 

John’s eyes widened. "You're right. That's.. That's a start."

 

Jim thought about it. It might be enough. If John testified and he was convincing enough. "Have you even gone to the police?", he asked. He hadn't found a denounce in the folder. The investigation had been started by the school, not by John. "Have you told anybody?". Then another thought came to his mind. "You've never been to a hospital. Never been tested"

 

John bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. "I have told people. I spoke to the police twice. Nobody took me up on it. Thought I was taking the piss." He paused for a moment, looking confused. "Tested?"

 

That was a no, then. Was he an idiot? He hadn't collected evidence, hadn't go to the police, hadn't done anything about it.

 

"Yes, _tested_. That part when you go to a hospital and they take a sample of blood to make sure you don't have a disease"

 

Jim almost laughed at the way both of them were looking at him, waiting to tell them what to do. In  a normal situation he would have enjoyed it, used it. But Sherlock....he needed him safe. And John hadn't betrayed his trust, hadn't told Sherlock anything. He looked at Sherlock. " _You_ are going to call that doctor, and told him to write down everything and take it to the police. And for god's sake, go back to the bed or else you'll  never heal". He turned towards John. "And _you_ are going to come with me to a clinic, now, and after that we are going to take your phone to the police"

 

Jim went back to the laptop and turned it off. He hoped Sherlock hadn't seen the file with his father's name  
  
Sherlock kept staring at Jim as John helped him to go back to the bed. "Be careful. Both of you", he whispered, tired.

 

John kissed Sherlock's forehead. "We will," he assured. "Just call the doctor, and then rest, yeah?" he smoothed back his hair before taking a step back.

 

"I'm always careful, Sherlock", Jim replied, moving closer to the bed. "Rest, now", he said, wondering if he should touch him, take his hand, something. He wanted to, but the situation was strange. And touching Sherlock interfered with his thoughts, so he decided against do it. "John? You do have keys, don't you? And, I assume there is a code?" 

 

John checked his pockets. "Yes, I do. And yes, there is. I have both," he assured with a sigh, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

 

He was still standing besides the bed, unsure, when Sherlock took his hand and kissed it. "Thank you, Jim". He almost jumped at the unexpected contact, but was able to control his reactions. At least the physical ones. "Let's go, then", he said, a bit too fast.


	21. Chapter 21

The clinic was a couple of blocks over and two security guards were following them. He wondered once more who were Sherlock’s family to require that amount of safety.

Jim walked silently, not knowing what to say. Talking to John had been easy before, but he wasn't sure of how to behave in this situation. John had said they could become friends, hadn't betrayed his trust. It still puzzled him.

 

After a while, he noticed John looking at him. "You alright?" He asked, frowning.

 

He wasn't. But how would it help telling John? Every contact with Sherlock broke his defenses again, and every time it was harder to rebuild them. And he didn't know how to behave around John after their conversation. Part of him wanted to open to him, to trust him, but trust didn't come naturally to him. "This is harder than I had expected", he said, finally

 

"How so?" John asked, leading them down the road.

 

John was asking because he was worried. About him. He had done all he could to destroy him, was having a .. _whatever_ it was with his boyfriend...and John was worried about _him_. "This whole situation. Him. Every time he touches me..." he stopped, feeling uncomfortable telling John about that. "You. How can you be so.. _nice_?" And something else, something he couldn't help. All this situation about John made it really difficult to ignore his own memories.

 

"I can't really help with the Sherlock touching you thing. And that's obviously uncomfortable for you to talk about to me." He paused, and walked slower "I guess I'm just a nice person?" he shrugged, saying it more like a question. "I don't know Jim. You're not a bad guy and I don't make a habit of keeping grudges."

 

"I wasn't asking you for help. It's not a bad thing, it just...makes it very difficult to keep control", he said. Not a bad guy? What was required to be seen as a 'bad guy' by John Watson?

 

John nodded in understanding.

 

 "I get that. Just.... don't be afraid to touch him, yeah? He hasn't had many people actually care about him in his life."

 

"Do you believe this will work?" He wasn't so sure about it. After seeing them together it was becoming more and more clear to him that Sherlock was only experimenting, and his interest in Jim wouldn't last long.

 

"Honestly? I don't know. It might, it might not. It's one of those really complicated things with too many variables."

 

"I was thinking...." he paused, unsure. This was out of his comfort zone, and wasn't very sure of how to behave. "...that, even if it doesn't work....I like being able to talk to you. It's... _nice_ ". It had sounded stupid, and he regretted it as soon as he finished talking.

 

John smiled at that. "I quite like it too. I see no reason as to why we shouldn't still able to be mates, even if it doesn't work."

 

He relaxed at John's reaction. Not totally, he never did, but enough to return the smile.

 

They didn’t say anything until they arrived to the clinic. John looked nervous

"You don't have to say anything about your situation, at the clinic", he said, softly. "Just that you had unprotected sex. Nothing else. And they only will take a blood sample".

 

"Any idea as to what I tell them about my arms?"

 

He thought about that. "Is there anything recent? Open wounds that might require stitches?"

 

"No, but scars that are only about a month or two old." 

 

"If you don't require medical attention they won't do anything. They will probably suggest you to see a psychologist, but it's a small clinic, they don't have one. You could..." he paused, John was a terrible liar. "You could say you are already having help". That was partially true, Sherlock was helping him.

 

He nodded, thinking it over. "Yeah, that sounds possible. Half true and likely considering they are scars and not fresh."

 

"Could you say it and convince them it's true?" If not, they might call social services, and try to contact his parents.

 

"I should be able to. If it's at least a half truth, I can manage it. It's ridiculous how bad I am at lying."

 

It was...endearing, in a way. To think that there was somebody so honest."It's more than half truth. No new cuts in more than a month? That's the longest time you've been without doing it since i know you. You are getting help" It was always evident in John's behavior, on his expression, relieved and guilty at the same time. It was easy to see.

 

He hummed in response. "It's the longest since I was about nine, actually. I only stopped because... Well, because of Sherlock."

 

"He loves you", he stated. It was obvious.

 

"I know. I'm insanely lucky. I love him too."

 

"Yes, I can see that", he replied, keeping his emotions hidden. "So...you made a deal with him?"

 

He nodded, exhaling loudly. "Yeah. It started with just butterflies, but after you had him cut the first time you started the deals, I had to make one with him so he wouldn't harm himself again. A lot of good _that_ did."

  
He didn't reply. He had been bored. And when he was bored, he started thinking. Sherlock had been interesting to play with. And then he had started to care about him. More than care, if he had to be honest with himself.

 

"You care about him," John said, looking straight ahead.

 

"Yes", he replied, not looking at him. He hoped he wasn't blushing.

 

"More than you thought you did at the start?"

 

"More than I thought I was capable of", he replied.

 

"He cares about you too, you know."

 

"He is atracted to me. He finds me interesting. It's not the same thing."

 

"I honestly think that over time he will grow to feel the same."

 

"Or he will get over it. He'll know me, get bored, and you two will be happily ever after", he replied, in a calm and controlled voice. He couldn't let his emotions control him.

 

He glanced at Jim finally. "You don't know that."

 

"No, I don't", he admitted, still not looking at John. "But it's the most probable outcome"

 

He looked ahead again. "I suppose so, but it is still plausable."

 

"He knows about you. Aboout your father", he stated. Not a question, it was evident.

 

"I realize that. I never actually told him about it properly though. I still haven't told him all of it."

 

"Will you?" Jim hadn't told anybody. He had created some stories and lies for the doctors, but had never told the truth about it.

 

"I don't think so. There's some stuff I don't think I can ever speak about."

 

"If there is a trial, they'll ask. They'll make you testify"

 

"I'm going to ask Sherlock not to be there. I can't have him know."

 

"I never had a trial. He ran away", he lied, softly.

 

"I'd say in some ways that's a good thing", John said glancing at the door.  

 

Jim noticed the fear in his eyes. "Do you want me to go with you?" he offered.

 

"I-I should be okay," He took a steadying breath and walked into the clinic nervously.

Too many memories lately; too many emotions. Jim sat on a bench close to the door, and started to observe people, trying to find out as much as he could about them by their clothes and body language. Anything to avoid thinking.

 

John came back twenty minutes later. He showed no signs of distress, so he hadn't had any trouble.

 

“Have you finished?”

 

"Yes, I have. Suppose we better go to the station now," John sighed.

 

"Yes. You should have done it a long time ago. Sherlock said you have some texts in your phone" _So John's father was an idiot too_.

 

John took his phone out of his pocket and showed Jim the text. Direct threats, and implications to former abuse.  "Something against your mother?" Definitely his father was an idiot. The texts would be enough, even if John didn't testify

 

John thought for a moment. "No. Sadly not."

 

That was bad. Even if everything went perfectly and John's father went to prison for a long time, he was still underage. "John....how long until your birthday?"

 

"About five months," He frowned. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"

 

"There are always possibilities. There might be something we could use to control her. Something she didn't want to be known. I'll look into it, if you want. We'll have to figure out what she wants. Maybe she doesn't want you back after all". He paused for a second, his mind studying possibilities.

 

 He nodded. "I'll try and think of some as well. Although, I reckon she just wants me dead now." he shrugged.

 

Jim walked in silence for a while, thinking.  Then he took his penknife from his pocket and gave it to John.

 

He took the it, frowning. "What's this for?" he asked, looking at Jim curiously.

 

It wasn't a big one, but that made it legal to carry it. "Self defence", he said. "Only for that. Don't even think about using it for...other things"

 

He stared at Jim for a long moment. "Thank you" he said softly, pocketing it. "And I... I won't."

 

"Of course you won't. Because if you do it, Sherlock will, too. I need him safe, and so do you". It was possible to do a lot of damage with a small blade, if you know what to do. "Do you know how to use it?"

 

He shrugged. "Not really to be honest."  
 

How had John survived this long was a mistery. "I'll teach you", he said. Not a question. Sherlock needed John in order to be happy, so Jim was going to keep John safe.

 

He kept thinking the best course of action. There was something missing in the information he had. "Who told you about your mother?"  
"Greg Lestrade," John replied, startled by the question.

  
Greg. Jim had been unable to find out anything bad about him. Good grades, no dirty secrets. His parents had problems, most probably they would have divorced by now. Honest, confident, reliable. His father was a cop. He was the perfect witness. And he hated Jim."How much does he know? Would he testify?"

  
"He doesn't know a lot, just what I've told him. He met my mother but I'm not exactly sure what happened there. But, I think he would testify, should it be needed." Though he seemed to hesitate in his answer.

 

He took a deep breath, and looked at him. "John, you need all the help you can get. I' ve read the whole report, and there's not a single thing against your mother. You are underage, and have run away from home. Once your father is out of the equation, she' ll have your custody"

  
"Fantastic," John  muttered sarcastically.

  
"There's always a way. We could delay the trial until your birthday. Find evidence against her. You could be recognized legally as an adult". Or she could die. He didn't say it, though. John was too moral for that.

  
"I don't even know if it's worth the hassle, you know. I mean, five months and I can legally leave anyway. Dad will still be in prison and my mum can't do anything then. I don't even know if it's worth it."

  
As if nothing could happen in five months. Was he really that stupid? He didn't comment on it, though. He wouldn't help if his help wasn't wanted. "What are you going to say to the police?"

 

"I have no idea, to be honest."

 

He thought about the possibilities, and the different outcomes. Nothing that required much lying, of course. It was John. "Can you act scared?"

  
John turned to Jim, his eyes wide and full of fear and sadness, his lip quivering slightly.

 

He was good, surprisingly. Maybe too good. Not an act, then. A memory? A little bit more, and he would be ready. He remembered his nightmare. Yes, definitely it would work.

 

"Now imagine it's not you who he is hurting, but Sherlock. Because he will, we both know it. The worst thing he had ever done to you, but done to Sherlock. Imagine it, keep that scene in your mind, and go in there. Tell them that he had attacked your boyfriend, that he had attacked you, keeps threatening you. _Then_ show them the texts"

 

John  looked like he was about to burst into tears. He bit his lip to nodded, going into the police station, shaking slightly with each step.

  
It should be enough. Most people would define what he had just done as bad, even evil. But it had been necessary, and he didn't regret it. He waited for John to come out, noticing how the men following them ignored him and looked at the door of the police station.

 

Jim waited patiently outside the building. Police officers were human too, and that meant they could be manipulated. John Watson on the verge of tears would do it nicely. That, the doctor's report and Sherlock's injuries should be more than enough. John's mother, on the other hand....No. John hadn't asked him for help. Nothing to do there


	22. Chapter 22

Half an hour later John came back,  his cheeks tear stained and his eyes red. It made him feel slightly guilty, but he ignored it; it had been necessary, and the trial would be much worse.

 

"Let's go back and see if they added this to your files", he said, emotionless. John nodded, and they started to walk in silence.  
   
He felt the urge to fill it. To say something, anything, in order to keep his mind from remembering his dream. The worst thing done to him, but done to Sherlock. Him doing it to Sherlock. No, he wasn't going to think about that, he had control over his own mind. It had been necessary. It had worked. "Are you going to go back to school?", he asked, looking for another topic.

  
"I will be, yeah. When Sherlock is a bit better. The doctor will be around next week to check his stitches, and I'll need to be there for that.”

  
"I see", he replied, wondering what to do with the deals with Sherlock. He needed to feel that he was earning the protection. And a part of Jim liked to have control over Sherlock. It made things much easier. On the other hand...Jim cared. "About Monday...", he started, trying to hide his doubts.

 

He needed it. As a way to control the situation, as a way to control him. Sherlock needed it, as a way to feel useful and not a victim. "Nothing has changed", he said, calm. "I won't ask from him more than he can give. Nothing dangerous. But it will go on"

 

"I guessed as much," John  replied absently.

 

John agreed with that? Maybe he was more intelligent than he had thought. "And our deal still stands. You have to take care of him"

  
"I know, Jim. You think I'd do any less?" he asked, incredulous.

 

"No, of course. I was just..." He stopped, planning carefully what to say. "If we want this to work, everything has to be clear. I know you want to keep him safe. But...you've already broken that deal", he said, looking at John's arm.

  
He shifted uncomfortably at that. "It still stands. I already feel guilty enough, having broken two deals, don't remind me"

 

"Guilt won't take you anywhere. Just don't do it again". It was going to be complicated. He had to think something to ask Sherlock to do. Challenging but safe.   
  
"Yeah, yeah. You're preaching to the choir, mate," John replied, rolling his eyes.

 

He noticed a change in John' s body. He had became tenser and kept glancing back. Jim looked around discreetly, but saw nothing suspicious. "What's wrong?"  
   
John  shrugged. "Nothing, just feel like someone is following me, I guess. Greg said my mum was looking for me, and had a vague idea of where I am. That's just… creepy."

 

It could be the tension making John see what wasn't there, or it could be real. "Nothing you can do about that", he replied. If his mother was looking for him she would start at school. "Who knows you are living with Sherlock?"  
  
"The school”

 

"I think you are safe enough. The security of that house...is quite impressive.", he commented. Who was Sherlock's family? Even him hadn't been able to find information about them.

  
"I know, isn't it? Kind of intimidating. To me, anyway." He agreed.

 

"Do you know anything about his family?" It was strange to be unable to find information about them.   
  
"I don't. I only know that his brother is away at university and his mother is abroad, working. Where, and doing what, I don't know for either of them."  
  
"What about his father?" Given the way John had avoided the topic, but without showing fear, he was either divorced or dead. And given that there were photographs of him at home, the possibility of a divorce was low.

  
"I'm not fully sure,"

 

"He doesn't talk much about himself, at least not with me", he commented, as they kept walking.  
  
"If you asked, he might tell you," John shrugged.

 

"Probably", he replied, smiling. "But then it wouldn't be so interesting".   
  
John chuckled at that. "I suppose not."

 

He kept walking in silence, this time a comfortable one, until they arrived at Sherlock's home. "I should go home". It wasn't true, but he wasn't sure if he could face Sherlock again today without some time to process everything that had happened.  
  
"Are you sure?"

 

Was John...worried? "I could stay for a while", he said, trying to hide how unsure he was feeling. Too many emotions for a day. But the idea of going home wasn't precisely attractive.

  
"You don't have to, if you don't want to. No need to do too much in the one day, emotionally wise."

 

"I want, but...it's probably a bad idea. See you tomorrow?" Not home, definitely. But there were other places he could go to.

 

He nodded in understanding. "Yeah, see you tomorrow. I probably won't be in school, but I'm sure you'll be over again. At least for that project."

 

"You could try to go to school tomorrow, but, given that is Sunday, it would be difficult", he teased. "I'll come back tomorrow, then."

 

"Whoops." he laughed. "We'll see you tomorrow then. And...thanks for today, Jim. It meant a lot."

 

He didn't know what to answer to that. His usual would be a reminder that he owed him a favour, but it didn't seem appropriate now. He decided to ignore it. "Bye, John", he said, walking away.

 

 

He walked slowly, lost in his thoughts. It wasn’t the attraction what was frightening, it was the...intimacy. The idea of letting Sherlock close, of letting him see him vulnerable. He wasn’t sure if he could do that, but....baby steps. So far, it was working, and...it was amazing.

 

He was so focused in his own thoughts that he didn’t noticed he was being followed until he felt somebody grabbing his arm, so hard that he had to swallow a cry. Instinctively he put his hand in his pocket to pick his penknife, but it wasn’t there. John. He had given it to John. Awful timing.

 

He was pushed agains the wall, and the pressure on his arm increased. He couldn’t see who it was, and fighting right now would achieve nothing. He smelled alcohol when his attacker moved closer to his ear.

 

“So you are the boyfriend, then. It seems that my husband didn’t do a good enough job.”

 

The words were angry, and the woman didn’t release him.

 

“No answer? You are as pathetic as Johnny.”

 

More pressure, more pain. He remained silent, ignoring her words (Irrelevant. She kept insulting John and him, and threatening both of them). It hurt, but he ignored that too, waiting for his chance. It came when he felt the hand holding him loosing strength after a while. In that moment, he moved fast, pushing her, and running.

 

He ran and ran, with the only thought of going away from the danger. When he stopped, tired, he realized he was close to Seb’s house. He knew he was always welcome there.

 

Ten minutes later he was having dinner with Seb and his parents. Seb’s mother liked to see him eat, she was always saying that he was too thin. Honestly, he found it a bit ridiculous that they were still grateful after all this time, but it was useful.

 

After dinner they went to Seb’s room.

 

“Jim? What’s going on?”

 

He didn’t answer. What could he say? _Well, Seb, I’m sort of dating Sherlock, at the same time John is; Yes, the same John who used to hate me, and now seems to trust me._ Yes, that made _a lot_ of sense.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it”

 

“Fine”

 

It went good after that. Seb didn’t talk too much, but was good at listening. After some time, he decided to tell him something. Seb would never intentionally hurt him. That meant Jim trusted him, to an extent.

 

“Molly broke up with me”

 

He wasn’t expecting an answer, and he didn’t got one. But he felt comforted by Seb’s presence. He was...reliable.

 

“That doesn’t mean we stop protecting her. She is...”

 

“Of course, Jim”, Seb replied without letting him finish the sentence.

 

He left soon after that, using the back door. Maybe he was overreacting, but he wasn’t taking any chances.

 

His mother was already sleeping, and the nurse told him that she had had a quiet day. He went upstairs, and entered the bathroom.

 

Looking at his skin was hard, and he avoided it as much as possible. But this was necessary; he took off his shirt, and observed the bruises forming in his arm. The shape of John’s mother’s hand was clearly visible. Tomorrow would be much worse.


	23. Chapter 23

He didn’t try to sleep. There was too many things to think about. There was Sherlock, and the almost overwhelming emotions he was feeling towards him. It was frightening. How did normal people do that? And there was John. Jim had hurt him as much as he could, and yet...he had forgiven him. He hadn’t tried to separate him from Sherlock. And.... _You are as pathetic as Johnny_. Maybe John understood better than he had thought.

 

In the morning, things looked as confusing as the previous day.

 

He had a shower, observing that the bruises were darker than the day before. He touched it lightly, and it hurt. Fantastic. He got dressed and walked to Sherlock’s home.

 

Jim stopped at the door, and closed his eyes. He hid everything deep inside (his fears, his memories, his insecurities), and composed his expression carefully. A night alone with his thoughts had done nothing to help him with his emotions, but Sherlock didn't need to know that. No one needed to know his weakness. Finally, when he felt ready and in control, he rang, and waited.

 

The door opened to reveal John. He looked better than he had in years. No. Better than ever. Relaxed, happy, confident. His hair was wet, and the bandage on his arm was new. So he had taken a shower, and was taking care of himself. "John", he said, forcing a smile. He entered the house, and waited for John to close the door.

  
"Are you all right?" John asked carefully.

 

Months of being asked that by doctors and psychologists on a daily basis hadn't helped him to understand the meaning of that question. But had made him learn the expected answer to it. He relaxed his face, keep his smile and said. "Of course". He paused, pondering if he should tell John or not what had happened.  She had mistaken him with John’s boyfriend; Sherlock might be in danger, so he decided to warn John. "Your mother followed me last night"  
  
John paled at his words. "Fucking hell. What happened?" He asked, frowning deeply.

 

He saw the change on his expression, and almost regretted having told him. "Nothing", he lied. "I didn't go home, I went to Sebastian's, and stayed there for a couple of hours, leaving by the back door". John didn't need to know what had happened before.

  
"What _really_ happened?" John  asked in exasperation.

 

"How can you possibly know..." He had let John come too close, had let him see too much of him.

"My mother isn't that kind of woman," John replied simply

 

Oh. Of course. He relaxed slightly, and recalled the previous night. "She followed me for a while. She...grabbed me, and I run away. Then she shouted, and threatened me. So i went to Sebastian's, didn't want her to find out where I live."

 

John ran his hand through his still damp hair, exhaling loudly. "Jesus Christ. I am so sorry you had to even be near her."

 

"It's not your fault. We didn't choose our parents", he replied. "It's just a bruise, it's nothing." He didn't understand why John seemed so worried.

 

John chewed on his lip. "I'm still sorry." he said quietly. "What did she threaten you with?"

 

"It's fine, John. She was...drunk. What she said is not important". John's body language showed guilt and worry. Why did he care what happened to Jim?

 

John remained silent for a while, observing him. "Fair enough," he said finally. "Sherlock's out back, he was sick of being cooped up so I've had him outside for the past hour"

 

"How is he?" he asked, relieved that John had stopped making questions.

 

"Not in as much pain as before and he can walk without too much discomfort. It's looking good," John assured, leading Jim through the house slowly.

 

He noticed what John was doing, giving him time to prepare before meeting Sherlock. He was grateful for that, but saying it would be the same than admit that he needed it, so he didn't mention anything. 

 

They walked out side, to a sun drenched patio. It was calm and silent. Sherlock was sitting on a bench, eyes closed and an expression of total happiness on his face.

 

John approached the bench slowly. "Jim's here," he said when he was two feet away, so as not to startle Sherlock too much.

 

Sherlock opened his eyes and smiled at John's words. And then his smile faded. Had he seen something on John’s face? Jim saw Sherlock’s eyes turning in his direction, and kept his face carefully blank.

 

John sat on the far end of the bench, leaving a space in the middle. Keeping his facial expression and body language controlled, Jim walked to the place John had left for him.  Between the two of them. It was...strange. "You look better", he said to Sherlock.

  
Sherlock keep looking from John to Jim, and his body had tensed. . "Thank you. I feel better", he replied. His voice was tense, too.

 

John checked his box of cigarettes. "Either of you mind if I smoke?"

 

"Hadn't you quit last year? Oh, I don't mind, go on", said Jim. He didn't mind. In fact he was tempted to ask John for a cigarette himself, but decided against it at the sight of Sherlock's face.   
  
"Year and a half, actually," John corrected him, tapping one out of the box and taking his lighter out of his pocket. He lit it while holding it between his lips, closing his eyes as he took a drag.

 

Jim glanced at Sherlock, who was staring at John, and had relaxed a bit.

 

"Sherlock, nobody had told you that it's  not polite to stare?", he teased, noticing at the way Sherlock was looking at John, half disapproving and half aroused. It should probably bother him, but it didn't. Sherlock's answer was to blush and start staring at him instead, and Jim laughed at that. "Apparently not", he replied.

 

John glanced at them and chuckled, smirking as he exhaled the smoke. He said nothing and continued to smoke in silence, looking amused.

 

Sherlock looked from one to the other, and smiled. "Oh, I've been told that, but I decided to ignore the advice when I find something interesting to look at"

 

John's smirk widened to a grin, unable to stop himself from laughing. He tapped ash off the end of the cigarette, grinning in amusement at Sherlock.

 

"Look, John. we are _interesting_ , now", Jim teased. It wasn't an act, he was actually feeling relaxed with them. Amazing  
  
Sherlock blushed even deeper, and looked at Jim, muttering something that sounded like _Idiots._

 

"Ooh, Jim, we're idiots too." John said, laughing. 

 

"But the interesting kind of idiots, apparently". He looked at Sherlock's expression, he was starting to look defensive. "Relax, Sherlock, he said, touching his arm.

 

 "We're just teasing, Sherlock." John assured, smiling comfortingly before turning his head away to take another drag.

 

"I know", replied Sherlock, looking embarrassed. He stared at Jim’s hand on his arm, and before Jim could react, Sherlock put his arm on Jim’s, trying to make him move his hand.

 

The problem was that he touched exactly the place where he had the bruises, and it hurt. He tried to hid it, but it had been too fast and he lost control for a second, Of course,  Sherlock noticed.

 

"Jim? Are you hurt?"   
  
"No", he lied. Why had he touched that particular spot? Sherlock didn't need to know what had happened. He’d want to see it, and…it would require to show him his skin. His scars. No way.

 

Sherlock kept looking at him suspiciously, so he insisted. "It's just a bruise, Sherlock, Nothing to worry about". He couldn’t let him see. He would know, and Jim couldn't stand Sherlock looking at him with pity.

 

"A bruise? So you are hurt", he replied, moving his hand towards him again.

 

Jim stood up before Sherlock could touch him. "I'm fine, Sherlock", he said, coldly

 

"Anyone want a cup of tea?" John cut in, stubbing out the cigarette quickly and slipping it, half finished, back into the box.

 

Jim looked at John, relieved for the scape. "That's a great idea, I'll help you"

 

John rose to his feet with a small jump and a hint of a smile. He walked wordlessly into the house once more. Jim followed him, feeling Sherlock's eyes fixed on him the whole time.

 

John flicked on the kettle after filling it with water. He got down three mugs silently, putting the correct amount of sugar in them and popping tea bags in each one.

 

"John?", he started, unsure

 

"Yes?" John asked, turning to look at him.

 

"Thank you", he said, the words strange in his mouth

 

John’s eyes widened. "No problem," he assured.

 

"I don't want him to see", he explained, as he wondered why was he explaining anything. For some reason, he wanted John to understand

 

"I know. I thought he would leave it, but apparently not." John shrugged, pouring the boiling water into the mugs. 

 

"He always wants to know and see everything", he said, almost fondly

 

John smiled thoughtfully. "Yeah, he does." he replied quietly, straining the tea bags.

 

"But there are things he doesn't need to know", Jim added, thinking about some memories of when those scars had been made.

 

"That too, is right," John agreed, putting milk in his and Jim's tea.

  
He sighted. Both John and Sherlock had looked totally happy when he had arrived, and now..."Maybe I should leave"

  
John looked at him oddly. "You only just got here. It'll only be tense for a bit, then it will settle out. Don't panic," he soothed, putting the milk away.

  
"I'm not panicking", he replied softly, wondering how much to explain John. "You looked so happy when I arrived. Both of you." He could never give Sherlock that.

  
"We still are."

  
John was sincere, there was no signs of lies on his face. They were happy; but that wasn't that problem. To be himself, open and relaxed, to be able to lower his defences...that was new to him, and he had no idea of how to do it. Or if he could. He nodded, silently.

  
"Tea helps," John encouraged, handing him his freshly brewed tea.

 

"The great cure for everything", he said with a smile, taking it.

  
"The one and only," John smirked picking up his own tea to take a quick sip.


	24. Chapter 24

He tasted the tea, which was as perfect as the day before. It was comfortable, being in silence with John. He never asked anything. "We should go outside", he said, after a while.

John nodded, and  picked up Sherlock's tea as well. Jim followed him, silently. He observed, relieved, that this time John sat next to Sherlock. Jim sat besides John, and drank his tea, slowly

 

He didn't feel the need to say anything. He could feel Sherlock's eyes on him almost constantly, but it wasn't hostile, it was...curious. And John...when had he started to feel this comfortable with him? It was so strange, he could almost relax.

 

Alter some time, John broke the silence. "So, how's the project coming along?"

 

It was a safe topic. Maybe the only one. Jim smiled, and explained John that they were designing a coding system.

Sherlock seemed to relax, too and replied to Jim in an animated way, talking about the possibilities they have, and the advantages of some systems respect others. They kept talking and talking, and Jim lost track of time. John kept glancing at them, looking a bit lost.

After a while, John got up and sat on the grass in front of them. He kept glancing at Sherlock with a fond smile on his face.

 

It was easy to work with Sherlock. He didn't have to explain anything more than once, and his ideas were amazing. And...there was something else. It felt natural to touch Sherlock every now and then; Sherlock should find it natural too, because he was also doing it.

 

Some time after, John got up and walked inside. Strangely, he didn’t look upset about the situation. Maybe this would work after all. He kept talking with Sherlock, discussing the use of prime numbers for their coding system, and enjoying the soft touches. After a while Sherlock took his hand, and they remained silent for a moment.

 

Jim forgot what he was about to say. This felt right. He looked Sherlock in the eyes, checking for signs of tension or doubt, but there was none. Slowly, to give Sherlock time to stop him, he pressed their lips together, just for a second.

 

Sherlock smiled at him, and, without releasing his hand, he started to talk again.

 

For some reason, this was more intense that anything they had done before. And a bit scary, too. He understood attraction, and maybe he was starting to understand love. Intimacy was new.

 

He could hide behind a mask, pretend to be somebody else; he could ignore what had happened, and pretend that it hadn't mattered. But he didn't want to do that. Jim didn't know how to react.

 

How was it possible for a kiss to make him feel so much? Luckily, Sherlock had kept talking, and he focused on that. He'll analyse his reactions later. Maths. That was easy to talk about.

  
Finally he felt in control again. His body kept reacting to Sherlock's presence, but he was getting used to that. They kept talking about codes and cypher's, behaving like before the kiss, and still holding hands. Jim remembered the sensation of John holding his hand the previous day. It was totally different. That had been comforting, and this....this was _distracting_.

 

John came back outside again, looking calm. He sat on the grass, and, after a minute, he lay back, his hands behind his head and his eyes closed.

  
Jim noticed Sherlock looking at John in a not very subtle way, and smiled. For somebody that clever, he could be really innocent about some things. And yet he might be innocent, but he was holding his hand after having kissed him, and was staring at John.

 

John opened his eyes slightly to catch Sherlock staring, and smirked, before closing his eyes again. He looked relaxed and confident

 

The way Sherlock kept looking at John amused him. Next time he noticed it, he laughed.

"As I've already told you, Sherlock, staring it bad manners", he said, laughing even more at the sign of Sherlock blushing again.   

 

John chuckled lightly, but didn’t move.

 

Sherlock looked at Jim, and he managed to change the laugh into a smile. Sherlock smiled back, with a strange expression on his face, almost defiance. Jim raised an eye brow, and said nothing

 

Slow and carefully, Sherlock stood up and walked towards John. Once there he knelt and kissed him, soft and tenderly, before standing up again.

  
Jim imagined that he should be jealous. And a part of his mind keep thinking of ways to separate them. It will be so easy, now that they trusted him. But it was a tiny part of his mind, and the scene hadn't bothered him. And then he noticed and expression of pain on Sherlock's face, and he ran towards him, helping him to walk to the bench again. Then, in a calm and controlled voice which hid his emotions, he said. "You are an idiot. Don't you want to heal? No sudden movements"

John was on his feet instantly, worry etched into his face. He jogged inside and came back with  a painkiller and a glass of water for Sherlock.

 "I'm fine", protested Sherlock, trying to hid his pain.

  
"Are you trying to lie to _me_? Really? Maybe you really are an idiot", replied Jim, helping him to sit. Releasing him was hard, because he wanted to do the opposite.

  
Sherlock took the pill and looked at them. "I'm feeling better today", he muttered

 

He knew that. But Sherlock still had to be careful. "We know," he said softly.

"But if you keep moving like that the bone might move, and end up healing in a wrong way. That's what pain is for. To keep you from moving. And believe me, you don't want to know what is need to fix a bone which had healed wrong", Jim added in a calm and controlled voice.  
  
Sherlock paled, and looked down. "You two are worse than my brother", he muttered. "Fine, I'll be more careful. Happy now?"

  
John nodded slightly and lay back on the grass.

 

"Oh, extremely", Jim replied to Sherlock in an indifferent tone. He realized that he had talked too much. He shouldn’t know that much about injuries. And Sherlock would notice. He was looking at him, clearly wanting to ask. He had to distract him.

 

"We should check John's file and see if they've updated it", he said, trying to appear calm.

John nodded absently in agreement. "Should definitely do that."

It had worked, apparently. Sherlock agreed with him too. "We could work in the kitchen, so you don't have to go upstairs. Your laptop is in the same place as yesterday?"

"It is," John replied for him, standing up gracelessly, nearly tripping over his own feet. "I'll help Sherlock inside, you go get the laptop."

 Jim nodded, and walked inside, feeling Sherlock’s eyes fixed on him. He went to Sherlock’s room and picked up the laptop. When he got to the end of the stairs, he almost bumped int John. He looked worried. "Sherlock thinks I hurt you." he said bluntly, quiet enough so they wouldn't be heard.

 

"What? Why would he think that?", he replied, in the same tone.

 

"He was asking about the bruise and I stupidly attempted to lie and said you probably walked into a door or something. I think he thinks I still genuinely hate you."

 

Jim thought about it. He had tried to hide, but it hurt. He knew he had been favouring his right arm and moving the left one slightly slower than usual. Sherlock had noticed, of course.

 

Jim could try to explain, but..."He won't believe anything I say. He never does", he replied, trying to find a solution. There was an obvious one, but he didn't want to do that. If Sherlock saw the bruises, he would know that John's hand was too big to have made them. But he would also see the rest of the marks on his arm. He looked for another way, but didn't find one.

 

"If he saw the marks, he'd know you didn't to them", he said, not hiding his dislike for the plan.  
  
John frowned, chewing on his lip. "You sure you want to do that? You don't have to. I could convince him over time, so you don't need to do this"

 

John knew, or at least suspected what he was hiding under his clothes. And pitied him. He hated that. " _Want_? Of course I don't want to. I don't want him to know. I don't want anybody to know. Have you ever seen me without long sleeves in all the years you' ve known me?" He closed his mouth, and took a deep breath. Control. He need to regain control.

John was talking again, probably apologizing, but he wasn’t listening. He tried to focus.

 

“...deal with it. Maybe he will forget about it, or I can try...."

 

Jim knew Sherlock, he wouldn't stop until he found out the truth. No matter what John said, it wouldn’t work. He didn’t have to do this. If he did nothing, Sherlock would believe that John had hurt him, and Jim could have Sherlock. But...John had had the chance to do that, too. And he hadn’t used it.

 

"If you can't convince him, tell me and i'll show him the marks", he said, finally.  
  
John let out a long sigh and nodded. "Will do. Now let's go back in before he thinks I've beaten you to death."

 

He nodded, and walked behind John. The conversationhad altered him, he hoped Sherlock wouldn't notice. The idea of Sherlock seeing, of him knowing....

 

He entered the kitchen, sat down, and started the laptop, feeling Sherlock’s eyes on him the whole time. He was tense, and forced his body to relax. Nobody talked.

 

Jim worked silently, taking the usual precautions not to be detected. This time he was careful to keep the screen hidden until he opened John's folder. "Okay, i'm in"

  
"Any changes?" John asked, glancing at the screen since he was sitting beside Jim.

 

"Yes", he replied, opening some files. "There's your testimony, a declaration from Lestrade corroborating everything you said, and an extensive and detailed medical report proving abuse"

John let out a sigh. "Good, good”

 

"Do you want to read any of them?", he asked, looking at John. He was pale, and looked scared. And Sherlock...he hadn't said anything since they had came back, and was looking at John almost with fear.

 

John nodded silently and rose to stand behind Jim, looking over his shoulder. "Might as well," he sighed.

 

"Okay, have a look", he replied, moving the laptop so John could see the screen better. It looked far better than the previous day.

 

Jim observed at Sherlock again. Still silent and with that expression of fear on his face. Did he really thing that John had hurt him? And he looked at Jim every now and then with...pity? No, he wouldn't have that.

 

He got up, and stood in front of Sherlock. It helped him to remain in control. Then, in a cold and distant voice, and looking him in the eyes, he started talking. "No, Sherlock, John didn't do anything to me. And even if he had, it's no one of your business. I can take care of myself, much better than you"  
  
Sherlock stared at him, clearly confused.  "Jim, I...."  
  
Too many emotions, and messy situations. Jim hated this, because it meant he wasn't in control. He wasn't a victim. "Shut up. I don't need you to take care of me. I don't need _anybody_ to take care of me". He took a deep breath, and saw Sherlock's shocked face. Great. "I'm going home now. I'll came back after lunch, and we'll talk". He turned to John, and his voice softened. "Turn off the laptop before half an hour, and don't try to modify anything"

 

John rose to his feet. "I'll show you out."

 

Jim followed him, and, as soon as they were outside the room, he said, "I shouldn't have said that, I know"

 

"It's fine.  I'll talk to him. Are you actually going to come back?" He asked, eye brow raised.

 

"I don't know", he replied, honestly. "He...he looked at me like if I was a victim. I had to get out of there"

 

John nodded. "It's fine, you don't need to explain it to me. I get it. I just don't get why he thinks I'd hurt you. I do everything in my power _not_ to hurt people, for God's sake." 

 

"I know I don't have to explain". It was strange, it made him _want_ to explain. "Text me after talking to him, to decide if I come back later or not"

 

"I will," he assured, opening the front door. "And.. be careful, yeah?"

 

"I'm always careful, John". He took a step to the door, and paused again. "If he doesn't believe you, if there's no other way, I'll show him the bruises", he added, as he walked outside.

 

John bit his lip and nodded. "Fair enough. Should I tell him what really happened?"

 

"You know him better than me", he replied, worried.

 

"I'll think of something," John sighed.

 

"Call me if you need me. I won't be far" He wasn't going to go home if he could help it.

 

John  nodded. "Don't be afraid to come back if you need to either." he offered, with a small smile.

 

He knew he wouldn't do that. Needing help was a weakness, and made him uncomfortable. But John's smile made him nod. He turned around, and started walking away, wondering where he could go.


	25. Chapter 25

Jim walked to the park at the end of the street, and sat on a bench. He didn’t think John could convince Sherlock to forget about this. To distract himself, he observed the people around him. It usually worked for a while, but today he couldn’t keep his mind away from the problem.

 

He didn’t have to wait for long. Five minutes after, he received a text from John.

 

“I can't get through to him and I can't lie to save my life. I think I'd rather him think me a horrible person, than you be uncomfortable. –JW”

 

Jim read the it, and knew he had to let Sherlock see the bruises. Sherlock needed John,  and...Jim needed him, too. He doubted he could be with Sherlock without John’s help. Besides, John trusted him, and hadn't betrayed Jim's trust. He was willing to keep his promise to Jim even if that meant losing Sherlock.

 

"On my way-Jim", he texted, going back to Sherlock's house

 

Jim walked back to Sherlock’s house, and took a deep breath. He really didn’t want to do this, but he couldn’t find any other way. Sherlock would never look at him in the same way, and the mere idea of somebody seeing his scars made him uncomfortable. Sherlock would look at him with pity, and he wouldn’t want him any more. Who would want somebody that broken?

 

Finally he rang the bell, and John opened the door looking worried.   
  
"I am so sorry," he said softly to Jim.

 

"I know", he replied, walking inside. "John...", he started, unsure. What could he tell him? That he wanted them to keep being whatever they were, even if Sherlock didn't want him any more? He wanted to say it, but he couldn't.

 

John seemed to know what he wanted to say, because his expression changed a bit, relaxing. "Nothing changes between us. Don't worry." John said, closing the door behind them.

 

He had never shown the scars to anybody willingly before. Ever. But he had seen the expression of the doctors and the therapists, the way they had looked at him after seeing them. _A victim_. He had hated it then, and the idea of Sherlock looking at him that way made him sick. He started to walk to the kitchen, very slowly, with John at his side.

 

He felt Sherlock’s eyes fixed on him as soon as he entered the room, and tried to hid his fear. He wasn’t sure if he had managed it, Sherlock was good at reading people.

  
Jim sat in front of Sherlock, wondering how to do this. John was standing behind him, and it made him feel slightly better. There was not point in delaying him. He looked Sherlock in the eyes, and kept his voice carefully controlled and emotionless.

 

"You don't believe _me_. You don't believe _him_. And you can't let it go, can you? Not even if both of us ask you to. Fine. I'll show you the bruises, so you can see he didn't do it. But I won't answer any questions, and you can't comment anything. Okay?"  
  
Sherlock stared at him, confused, and nodded.  
  
Jim looked at John once more, needing reassurance but not knowing how to ask for it.

John managed an encouraging smile, but he was clearly scared. Great.

His hands were trembling slightly, and he didn't move until he was sure he could control that. Then, keeping his eyes fixed on Sherlock, he rolled up his sleeve, just the amount needed to see the five bruises that the hand of John's mother had left on  his skin. He didn't look at it. Seeing the scars brought back too many memories, and he didn't do it unless it was necessary.

Jim needed all his self control not to run away the moment Sherlock looked at his skin. He merely glanced at the bruises, and then started to observe the scars. Jim managed to remain still for three whole minutes, until he couldn't stand it anymore, and covered his arm again.

 

He closed his eyes, not wanting to see Sherlock’s expression. Sherlock’s soft voice surprised him.

 

"You are like John. A survivor. So strong..."

  
Jim oponed his eyes and stared at Sherlock, speechless. He studied his face carefully, but he wasn't lying.   
  
Nobody said anything for a while. Sherlock’s reaction had been unexpected, and Jim didn't know how to react. Sherlock kept looking at him, studying, surely wondering what the rest of his clothes hide. He looked at John, needing to see his expression too. A mere glance at his face (smiling and supportive) told him that John understood this, too. Amazing.

John's reaction made him feel better, and managed to smile back. Then he looked back at Sherlock, who was clearly fighting to stay silent. He took a deep breath, remembering that Sherlock had called him strong. "You can speak", he said, finally. He would, eventually.

  
Better to have it done now.

Sherlock seemed to hesitate before speaking. "Deliverate, not accidental. Too many and too ordered for that. But clearly you haven't done them, they are too perfect for that. It almost look like an experiment; there is a series in which the leght of  each one is exactly double than the previous one. There were sequences...."

Sherlock keep talking and talking, but Jim stopped listening at the word _experiment_. Memories came back to his mind; the day he had found and read his father's notes, the way he had documented everything. They hypothesis, the objectives. The experiments.

 

His memories were interruputed by John’s voice saying something in a firm tone, and Sherlock’s hand on his shoulder as he whispered his name

 

Sherlock always knew. This was what he was, Jim already knew that. But it made him feel...helpless. It had been long ago. It was over. It shouldn't affect him, it shouldn't make him lose control like this. His hands were trembling, and his whole body was out of control.

 

And then Sherlock touched  him, and it was _too much_. He hid as good as he could, hoping he could keep some dignity, at least. He stood up, slowly, and, in the coldest voice he could manage, he said. "Leave me alone". It was that or attack Sherlock, insult his abilities and everything he was he was, mock him, break him. And he didn’t want to do that.

 

Controlling every movement, he started to walk to the door.

 

John let out a long breath and followed Jim slowly. Jim didn’t mind. John understood.

 

"Thank you," John said softly.

  
How could John stand Sherlock knowing what had happened to him? "It's fine", he lied, wondering where he could go. "Take care of him, John", he added in a lower tone. It wasn't Sherlock's fault that Jim wasn't strong enough to face the truth.  
  
"I will, Jim. Nothing changed between us." John answered, clearly unconfortable with the situation.  

  
"I know. You said it wouldn't change anything, and it hasn't", he replied. Again, John had proved to be trustworthy. "Do you think he will tell?" It was bad enough that John and Sherlock knew.

 

"No. He has nobody to tell and he wouldn't if he did." John assured calmly.

 

He relaxed a bit more. "I should go", he said, hesitant.

John nodded awkwardly. "If you'd like. Although I reckon he'll drop it. There's no point in being uncomfortable." he sighed.

  
He wanted to stay and to go and be alone at the same time. "Maybe I can...come back after lunch", he said, unsure.

"Y-you don't have to. It's all your choice."

 

"Right, I....I'll see you at school, then", he replied, opening the door.  
   
John held the door open. "I suppose you will." he nodded.  
  
Not knowing what else else to say, he walked outside, without looking back.

 


	26. Chapter 26

It was early, and he didn’t want to go home. He started to walk aimlessly, pushing his emotions to the deepest part of his mind.

 

When he was hungry, he brought a sandwich, and ate it on a beach. It was a sunny day, and it helped him to relax. He still had no idea of what would happen with Sherlock tomorrow, but...at least John and him were still... _friends_.

 

He was lost in his thoughts when he received a text from Molly, asking him if he was all right. Of course, what she really wanted to know was what had happened with Sherlock. He texted her saying that he was fine, and they agreed to met in a café close to her house in an hour.

 

He arrived early, still unsure of what to tell her. What he had agreed with John and Sherlock wasn’t precisely normal.

 

When she came in, he felt how she was studying his expression, and tried to appear relaxed.

 

“Jim”, she said with a smile. “I thought you would call me...after talking to Sherlock, yesterday”

 

Maybe he should have. But he had been to busy thinking about what had happened. “I...forgot”, he replied, blushing. He wasn’t sure what part of it was an act and what part was real. Everything was confused lately.

 

Molly smiled, and leaned closer. “All right. Tell me what happened”

 

“Well...”, he started, ordering his ideas and deciding how much to tell her. “Sherlock...likes me. And...apparently John is all right with that. So we talked, and....decided to give it a try”

 

“You mean...that both John and you....”, she said, staring at him.

 

He nodded, uncomfortable. Again, he wasn’t sure how much of it was an act and how much is real.

 

Molly took his hand, and he looked at her. She was...worried. “Is that what you want, Jim?”

 

Of all the things she could ask, she chose that one. She really was amazing. “Yes”, he replied, honestly.

 

He could almost hear her thinking. “Go on, say it. It would never work, we all end up hurt, it’s not _normal_ ”, he said bitterly

 

“I was about to say that I was happy you had found somebody”

 

Jim stared at her, speechless.

 

She smiled shyly. “If you ever need something...you know where to find me”

 

“Thanks, Molly”

 

After that, they talked some more, until it was time to go home. Jim walked Molly home, and then, slowly, he went back to his house. His mother was calm, watching TV. He sat besides her silently, and pretended that everything was fine.

 

Later, in his room, he decided to work for a while. He didn’t want to sleep. He focused on the screen od his computer, and lost track of time.

 

After what it felt like some minutes, but was in fact several hours, his phone received a text. He checked the time: four  in the morning.

 

"Are you coming tomorrow?-SH"

 

What the hell was Sherlock doing awake?  He read the text again, looking for hidden meanings. No, it was a clear invitation. He pondered what to answer.  Tomorrow was Monday, and they had a deal to reorganize.

 

"Of course. We have a deal-Jim"

  
 

He went to bed after that. He had to be rested for tomorrow. His dreams were confusing and fragmented, but they had something in common: they made him feel helpless. The images changed too fast to make any sense, but people were staring at him (doctors, policemen, teachers) with pity, taking decisions without even listening to him.

 

He woke up with that feeling still in his mind, and tried to discard it. But it was the only one he had never been able to ignore. Great.

 

He still had no idea of what to do about Sherlock, and their deal. But he had time to figure it out. He’d worry about it later.

 

He showered, observing the dark bruises on his arm, and remembering what had happened the day before, the way Sherlock had looked at him.

 

He was still thinking about that when he left the house, his mother still sleeping, and walked to school.

 

 

He arrived early, as he always did. He needed regain control over himself, he needed a _distraction_. There were debts to collect, people to threaten, deals to make. _Anything_ to feel in control again, and forget about all those emotions. So he hid behind a cold mask, and walked into the building showing confidence and power. People moved to let him walk in a straight line, and that felt right.

 

Before the classes started, he met Sebastian and, together, they talked with some people to remember them what they owed to him. Two of them left almost crying, and one crying for real. The rush of power made him feel much better. He was in control, and nobody as going to make him feel helpless again.

 

 

Jim went to the Maths' class, and, again, he worked alone. He spent the hour looking at his classmates, examining their interactions and looking for useful information about them. What he and Sherlock had done so far was much more advanced than anything the other students had done, and the teacher knew it, so she didn't say anything.

 

He also thought about John; he had seen him before in a corridor, talking to Greg, so Jim had kept his distance . The fact that he was here today meant that Sherlock was feeling better. He hat to think about what to do today, about what to ask from Sherlock. He spent the class class thinking about it, and pretending to pay attention.

 

Jim entered the next class, and saw John there. This was a new situation. He needed to keep his mask, to remain in control. But at the same time he wanted to be able to talk to John as they had done the previous days. He opted for something in the middle. As he walked to his seat, he stopped next to John. "John", he greeted in the cold tone he used at school, but with a hint of smile in his eyes.

 

John kept his face just about neutral, but there were hints of a smirk under it . "Jim," he nodded, leaning back in the seat slightly.

 

When he had made the deal with Sherlock he had made it clear to everybody that John was off limits, so nobody found it strange that he was talking to him. And today nobody dared to look Jim in the eyes. The word of what he had done before has reached almost everybody. He studied John carefully. He was getting better at acting. Smiling in his usual way, cold and controlled, and said "Welcome back"

 

 "Can't say I'm glad to be back," John replied with a tense smile. "Have I missed much?"

 

Definitely John was getting better. He broadened his smile. "Oh, not really", he replied, walking to his seat as the teacher entered the room.

 

The lesson was extremely boring, and the teacher didn't say anything he couldn't find in a book, anything he didn't already know. He looked for something to do. There was a boy who had been bothering Molly lately. Nothing too obvious, but Seb had told him that she felt uncomfortable. Molly was off limits too. She was...well, everybody believed that they were still dating, so he couldn't allow anything happening to her, it would be a direct attack against him. He thought about what he knew about that boy, and decided that rumours were the best way to hurt him. He had to talk to a couple of people to let them know exactly what they had to say. It would be easy. And, again, boring and not enough to stop him thinking. Unconsciously he started to scratch his arm, remembering how Sherlock had looked at the marks under his sleeve.

 

 

He glanced at John, who was almost falling asleep during the class. And then there was a knock at the door, and the teacher left the room, coming back with a note in his hand.

 

“John Watson, go to the head teacher’s office, your mother is there”

 

John swallowed thickly and rose to his feet, collecting his bag and books. On his way out he glanced back at Jim, his eyes wide with fear.

 


	27. Chapter 27

Jim saw the panicked expression in John's eyes at the mention of his mother. These _idiots_ were making John see her, despite what she had done to him. He had promised Sherlock to protect John, and this was clearly threatening him.

 

He could start the fire alarm with his phone, giving John the chance to leave. He could go with John and tell the teachers that John's mother had attacked him; teachers already knew about him, so letting them see the marks shouldn't be so hard as letting Sherlock had been. He could take John out of here and find a safe place for him.

 

He couldn't take that decision; it had to be John's choice. When the teacher wasn't looking at him he took out his phone, and text him.

 

"I can take you out of here. I can tell the teachers what she did to me. Your choice-Jim"

 

The answer came before he could put his phone back in his pocket

 

"Please help me. -John"

 

He couldn’t ignore that, not after everything John had done for him. He clearly didn’t know what to do. The better choice, the best for John, would be if Jim explained what had happened with John’s mother.

 

"Wait for me before entering-Jim"

 

He set the fire alarm to sound in half an hour, just in case, and walked to talk to the teacher. He acted shy and frightened, the way adults expected him to behave when they knew something about his past, and told her that he had to go with John. She nodded, with an expression of pity on her face. As he left the room, Jim mentally prepared to change into _Jim the victim_. Small, unassuming, scared. He walked fast, and went to meet John.

 

He was waiting a few feet away from the office, and glanced up as Jim approached him. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the blonde locks in frustration. "I'm sorry about this," he said quietly.

 

"I know", he replied, thinking fast. They wouldn’t leave John alone with his mother at first, they weren't totally stupid; if John was frightened enough, and Jim showed him the marks...it could work.

 

"Remember what I told you before entering the police station? You have to look terrified for this to work. Even more than you do now. Close your eyes, and do again what you did then".

 

John nodded, and did as he had told him to do. Soon he looked weak and terrified.

 

"Good. I need you to act protective towards me. Let me do the talking. If this doesn't work the fire alarm will sound in half an hour. I'll get you out of here. I promise".

 

Jim took a deep breath, and let his mask fell. The best way to lie was to tell something that was part true. The fear in his face, the way his body moved trying to appear as small as possible, the way his voice trembled at some memories...yes, the best lie was a truth. "Ready?", he whispered, in a broken voice.

John took a shaky breath and nodded before opening the door and walking in ahead of Jim, his stance small and terrified, but defensive towards the smaller boy behind him.

 

John’s mother was inside, her face set in a convincing motherly smile, though her eyes were cold and angry.

Jim moved so John was between his mother and Jim, and let his body tremble slightly. As he had suposed, they weren't alone with John's mother.

 

"Jim? What are you doing here?"

 

The voice sounded worried. But adults always behave like that with him when they knew, and, of course, all the teachers knew. He let that idea fill his mind, the fact that they knew, the fear of his classmates finding out, and, even worse, some of the lasts memories of his father. His voice came out shacky and broken.

 

"J....John is m....my f...friend. S...she" he glanced at John's mother and moved closer to John. "She...hurt m...me. Don't m...make him g...go b...back w...with her, p...please"

 

 He let his whole body tremble, and a tear fell from his eyes. Again, not an act but a memory. He knew they would ask him to show them the bruises; they would believe him, but they needed evidence.

 

John stepped closer to Jim, protectiveness and terror radiating from him in waves. He stayed silent, looking terrified

 

The look on Mrs.Watson's face was strained calmness. "What a lie," she scoffed. "I have never met that boy."

 

He looked at the teachers. There was also a policeman an somebody he didn't know. Social services? Could be. "I-I have bruises. You can..", he looked at the policeman "Y-you c-can c-compare t-them w-with her hand, t-to know it w-was her? Like CSI?" He looked back to John, his fear was real now. The idea of people seeing his skin terrified him. The adults were talking between them, deciding what to do. The policeman was the first to speak to him. "All right boy, show us the bruises"

He heard one of the teachers whispering to the policeman "the Moriarty boy. You know, the case of the professor". The policeman looked at him in a much nicer way, and Jim hated it. That look of pity made him feel like a victim.  Slowly, with his eyes fixed on John's, he rolled up his sleeve until the bruises were visible. He felt exposed and vulnerable, and let those emotions express in his body. It would help. He didn't look away from John's eyes as the policeman measured the bruises and took photographs.

John held his gaze, and didn’t look at his arm, not a single time. He hadn't done it the day before, either. And in his eyes there was only gratitude. Amazing.

 

"Any other bruises, Jim?" He covered his arm again, and stared at the floor. He moved a step closer to John before starting to reply. "No,I-I ran away", he said in a whisper. He saw the policeman walking to John's mother, surely to measure her hand.

Jim glanced at John’s mother, noticing that she looked much less sure of herself now.

 

"You okay?" John whispered in his ear, with a worried expression.

  
He wasn't. After last night, and the memories still fresh in his mind, to act this helpless was making everything worse. In any other circumstance he would have smiled and lied, saying that he was okay. But if he did that what he had done before would be useless. So he didn't lie. He couldn't say it either, so he shook his head, still looking down.  
   
 "You will be," John murmured, as he put his hands in his pockets and made himself look as small and upset as he could.  
  
He nodded, and remained silent, observing the situation. As John's mother's hands were examined, the woman Jim didn't know started to ask John where he was living. Social services, definitely.  
  
 John bit his lip. "I-I'm staying with my boyfriend, Sherlock H-Holmes. He's a student here too, but is currently at home resting, cause my f-father attacked him," he stammered, his lip quivering.

 

The woman nodded, taking note of it. "You are to stay where you are, until we find a suitable home for you should your mother be deemed unfit.”

   
 It seemed to have worked. "C...can we g...go now? W-we have classes" he whispered. John's mother looked at him with hate, and it was clearly visible to everybody in the room. Good. They told them they could leave. Eight minutes for the fire alarm, he could still cancel it. He took a step towards the door, and looked at John, waiting for him to follow, which John did with a last glance at his mother.  
  
 As soon as the door was closed, he took out his phone and cancelled the alarm. His hands were still shacking. It had been even worse than yesterday. _The case of the professor._ He looked at John, who looked as bad as him. "Let's go, we can't stay here". They could be overheard. His voice still sounded weak.  
   
John nodded, and he led them further up the hallway, out of earshot of classrooms or offices.

 

Walking helped him to regain control over his body and mind, at least partially. When John stopped, he looked him in the eyes, looking for something to say. Part of him wanted to tell John that he owed him for this. He didn't. There was something nice in having somebody to talk to who didn't do it because of his power. "Don't tell him", he said, after a minute. He had already shown enough weakness in front of Sherlock.

"I won't," He assured, his hands in his pockets. He let the silence sit for a moment. "What's today's deal?"

"I haven't decided yet", he replied, honestly. "He text me last night, asking me if I was going to go today. I won't harm him, I won't press too much, but...he needs it, and so do I" Sherlock needed to think that he was earning the protection, that it wasn't charity. And Jim needed the sensation of control it gave him.

 

 

John nodded, and didn’t say anything

 

He didn't know how he was going to do it. He needed something to feel in control of the situation with Sherlock, but it couldn't be anything painful or dangerous. An idea started to form in his mind. It was risky, and, if he miscalculated John would never forgive him, and all this situation would end. But it _could_ work, if he was careful. He couldn't think clearly right now, his brain was still too full of memories and useless emotions like fear. He needed to do something with that, in order to feel in control again, before meeting Sherlock. "John...go to class now", he said, thinking about what to do. What he had planned, the rumours, was not enough now. He was going to to that too, but he needed more. And he needed it _now_ , before the fear consumed him.

 

 

"Right," John said, looking at him with the same worried expression, before leaving.

 

As soon as John left, he felt much worse. Weird. It was usually the opposite, after somebody saw him vulnerable. Part of him was still expecting John to attack him, to use what he knew against him.

  
He didn't go to his class. Teachers allowed him to do what he wanted as long as he had good grades. He hated the reason for that, but it was useful. By lunch time, he felt much better. Seeing fear in people's eyes, being the one inflicting pain, made him feel in control. He had threatened people, and collected debts. One boy had said he couldn't give him anything for not revealing his secrets. Jim had offered him the possibility of letting him hit him for ten minutes as payment, and he had accepted, not even trying to defend himself. He usually kept his hands clean and let others do that for him, but today he had needed it. And it hadn't be the most interesting thing he had done this morning. Rumours, threats, offers, subtle reminders, orders...When he entered the cafeteria nobody dared to look at him.


	28. Chapter 28

He walked to his usual table, passing close to John., who glanced at him. Jim ignored him. It would be nice to sit with him, and maybe be able to relax for a while, but he couldn’t do that. One thing was to talk to him, and another very different was to sit with him. He saw Molly in a corner, her face buried in a book. She wouldn't ask anything, and nobody would find it strange if he sat with her.

 

They ate silently, but it was a comfortable silence. Sebastian come short after, and sat with them. There was something in their body language, in the way Seb and Molly were carefully avoiding to look at each other. It was subtle, but Jim knew them to well. He smiled, and didn’t say anything.

 

The sound of his phone distracted him from his thoughts. A text from John. He glanced at him, sitting alone and pretending to read his notes

 "Are you coming over by yourself or would you like a lift? -John."

It surprised him. John was offering to go together to Sherlock's house. He hadn't been expecting this.

"No point in going separately, if we are going to the same place-Jim"

 

"Alright then, I'll wait for you outside the school. -John"

 

Jim still felt slightly out of balance, but he had been feeling that way since Sherlock had kissed him, and by now he was able to ignore it. Still, the feeling of control and power helped him, and he spent the rest of the day in the same way, making sure nobody dared to oppose him at all. That way nobody would be able to hurt him. Finally the classes ended and he went to meet John outside

 

He had a vague idea of what he was going to ask from Sherlock. After all, he had honored his deal, protecting John. It would work. He walked behind John silently, and entered the car. It was bullet proof. He wondered again who Sherlock's family was. Once the door was closed, he relaxed slightly, letting part of his mask fell. It was almost a subconscious reaction to John now. After all, he hadn't betrayed his trust. _Yet_.

 

"Social services have probably a file on you. I can have a look at it later, if you want", he offered. 

 

John nodded. "Yeah, that'd be good. Always nice to know what they're on about with me."

 

He noticed John relaxing too. It was strange, he had talked more with him in the last days than in the five years he had known him. "I observed their faces as we were leaving". Pity, worry. They wanted to protect them. He still hated it, but it was useful, and had worked. "It will be all right"

 

John nodded again. "I don't know how to thank you for that. I know how difficult that had to have been."

 

He knew? Jim studied his face carefully, and remembered the scene. Maybe he did. "I always honor my deals. I told Sherlock that I would protect you", he replied. It was true, but not the whole truth. John had asked him for help, and he had _wanted_ to help him. "The teachers already knew about me. It wasn't a big deal", he lied. He had never showed his scars willingly before, and now he had done it two times, for John. And, strangely, he didn't regret it.

 

"But the police officer, the social worker and my mother didn't know. That took a lot, to be able to do." John replied, looking out the tinted window.  

 

John was right, of course. Showing it to Sherlock had been bad, but letting strangers see it, as he pretended to be vulnerable...no. He hadn't been pretending, not totally. That was what he was, without control, without power. What he had been eight years ago, when they had found him and examined him. He still couldn't stand the sight of his own skin, and the way people reacted when they saw it.  "You didn't look", he whispered.

 

"I didn't need to. I know what's there and I know what it's like to be stared at for it. It doesn't change who you are, to me. It doesn't change you as a person nor does it make you as a person. It's just a part of you that's there, but I know you'd rather it be ignored. So I did."

 

Total honesty again. How was it possible to be that way? So open and trusting. "Thank you", he replied, the words strange in his mouth. 

 

"No worries," John shrugged.

 

Nobody had reacted that way before. The usual reaction was pity, or rage. Then there had been Sherlock's reaction. He had called him a survivor, and had been curious. John...hadn't looked because he knew Jim didn't want people to see. "If they try to make you go back home, I can hide you", he offered. He had money, and contacts. And it felt like the right thing to say. Usually he would have asked for a price, but he liked that there was somebody who he could talk to without deals. Even if the most probable outcome was John betraying him.

 

"I appreciate that, but if they try to make me go home, I will. She looked about ready to murder someone, and I figure without dad there, she'll be willing to raise a hand to me. So not only will I be able to get my things, but she'll have dug a hole for herself, on top of assaulting you." He shrugged.

 

"Risky", he replied. And brave, too. He remembered John panicked expression. Brave indeed. "That weapon I gave you...you won't kill anybody with it, but you can cause enough pain to allow you to run away. I'll teach you, if you want"

 

John looked at Jim for a moment. "That'd be great, actually. Thanks."

 

Well, technically you _could_ kill somebody with it, but it required an ability that John lacked. And it wasn't the objective. "Given that you came to school today, I assume he is better?"

 

"He is. He's downstairs, somewhere."

 

"Did he..." he stopped, not sure if he should trust John with more information about him. Nothing to lose, not really. John already knew too much. "...did he comment anything about...the marks?"

 

"Not really. He was just really upset that he'd hurt the both of us." He explained.

 

"Hurt us? As if he could do that", he replied, surprised. Sherlock had wanted to know, but he always wanted to know _everything_. It was who he was. To hurt Jim required much more than that.

 

"That's what I said. But, he thinks he did." John replied. "He doesn't handle anger or rejection very well."

 

"I wasn't angry, I just...needed to go away. I don't look at my skin if I can avoid it". It had brought back too many memories. And why was he talking this much?

 

"Jim, I know. I understand it." John assured.

 

They remained silent until they arrived at Sherlock’s house, John looking at the window and Jim lost in his thoughts.

 

He got out of the car after John. He was nervous, so he did what he always did when he felt like that: he controlled carefully the way he walked, the expression of his face, _everything_ , to show confidence and power.

John led them slowly up to the house, taking out his key as he put in the code and unlocked the door. He stepped inside, holding the door for Jim. "Sherlock, it's John. Jim's with me," he called.

 

He entered the kitchen, portraying a confidence he wasn’t feeling. Sherlock was using his laptop. He had stopped when they had arrived. Curious.

 

"What happened?", Sherlock asked, anxiously, looking at John.   
  
"Hmm? Nothing. It was just a long day." John replied going to the fridge to get some milk. It was convincing, he was getting better. But not enough to fool him...or Sherlock

 

"You've been crying, and running your hands over your hair", Sherlock stated.

 

John  turned away from them to prepare the cups. "Overly tired and my hair has gotten too long. It's annoying."

 

Jim noticed the tension on John’s shoulders. He was getting better, but he looked about to break. He had to do something. Forcing a smile, he looked at Sherlock.

 

"Sherlock, as endearing as it is to watch you observing John's hair, we have _business_ to attend". He turned to John, and added "You _do_ need a haircut"  
  
John glanced at Jim in amusement. "Yes I know I need a hair cut." he answered, rolling his eyes and turned back to the tea.

 

Sherlock stared at Jim, clearly confused “Business, yes...After tea?

 

Jim nodded, sat without saying anything else, relieved that he had more time to think about what he would ask from Sherlock.

 


	29. Chapter 29

 

They drank their tea silently. Jim was having trouble to hide his emotions under Sherlock anxious gaze. He still hadn't decided what to do.

 

John looked from one to the other, and finally said, awkwardly. "I suppose I should leave you both to it"

 

It was time, then. "Upstairs. Your room. Can you help him, John?", said Jim, confidently.

 

"Course," John replied as he rose to his feet, moving around the table to help Sherlock once he had stood up. He carefully helped him towards and up the stairs, arm around his waist for support.

 

Jim followed silently. There were two things he could do. Both were potential disasters if badly handed. He had to be very careful.

He kept thinking as John helped Sherlock into his room and sat him on the bed gently. He still hadn't decided what to do.

 

He wanted Sherlock to understand, and one of the possibilities might do that. Or trigger him, causing a damage he wasn't sure he could heal. The other one would change the power dynamic of this to give Jim more control over the situation. Or force Sherlock to do something he didn't want to, and destroy any chance they could have of a relationship. Time to make a decision.

 

He stood in front of Sherlock. Standing while he was sitting increased the sensation of power over him, and gave Jim confidence. Sherlock looked...like the previous week. Compliant, accepting the deals. Accepting that Jim was in charge of this. It was beautiful to see. "Leave us, John", he said softly, not taking his eyes away from Sherlock.

 

They stared at each other silently as John left the room and closed the door behind him.   
  
Jim would protect John no matter what, now. And Sherlock surely knew that. After a minute, Sherlock looked down. Jim tried to read his body language. He was...It was strange. He wasn’t tense, or scared. He was calm, and confident. This felt right, he realised. Maybe it wasn't normal, maybe nobody would understand, but...it worked.

 

He hid his fears and doubts, and, slowly, caressed Sherlock’s cheek forcing him to look at him again. It was...much more intense than ever. He could almost feel the connection between them, and it was electrifying. He couldn’t look away, and, judging by Sherlock’s reaction, neither could he.

 

Business, he reminded himself. It didn’t _feel_ like business at all.

 

"I've protected him. No harm had came to him, no harm will come to him. What can you give me, Sherlock? How can you pay me for that?"  
  
There was a hint of hesitance in Sherlock’s expression, a moment of doubt, but neither of them looked away.

 

"Anything. Just name it. Whatever you want", he said, after a minute, looking at Jim with absolute faith.   
  
  
Sherlock was being totally honest. Anything, he had said. There was something almost intoxicating in this; having Sherlock at his mercy, willing to do anything he asked him to do, and trusting him totally to protect John.  "Whatever I want", he repeated, softly. "Even if I ask you to hurt somebody? To do something illegal?"  
  
"You won't", replied Sherlock, looking at him with total trust.  
  
Of course he wouldn't. But Sherlock trust was reassuring. "You saw my scars yesterday. Show me yours" He had already seen them, when they had made their first deal, but he hadn't paid much attention to them.   
  
"W-what?"  
  
"Show me your scars", he repeated  
  
Sherlock hesitated for a second, and opened his mouth to say something, but he changed his mind and  started to open his shirt.  
  
Jim wanted Sherlock to understand what he had felt the previous day. He also wanted to ask him to do something difficult for him, but not to cause him any damage. This was the best he had been able to think of. He observed as Sherlock took off his shirt, and, after a moment of hesitation, the bandage of his arm. Jim was about to tell him that it wasn’t necessary, but remained silent, and observed.

 

There was no butterflies on his skin, and Jim didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. There was a bandage covering his chest. He ignored it and focused on Sherlock’s arms, covered in faint marks.

 

He studied them carefully, noticing that Sherlock looked tense and uncomfortable. He had to be very careful with this.

 

There were a lot of scars, covering totally both of his arms. He wondered if there were others he couldn’t see.

 

He found easily what he had been looking for: a mark, old and made with trembling hands, showing signs of hesitation. The first one. He also examined the scars from their first deal, five parallel lines, made with a steady hand.

 

Apart form those, all the cuts looked old and healed. Then he examined the burn marks, eleven red dots,  doubtless painful.

 

One arm with _his_ marks. The other one with _John’s_.

 

He kept looking until he noticed the tension in Sherlock’s body was increasing. In that moment, he looked him in the eyes again, moving closer, and, in a warmer tone, he said. “We have a deal for another week”.

 

Then he kissed Sherlock, not a part of the deal, and giving him the chance to move away. Instead he kissed him back, desperately, and it was as good as the first time. Better, because he felt in control. They kissed until they were both out of breath, and, when Jim moved away, reluctantly, he saw a smile in Sherlock’s lips mirroring his own.

 

Silently he bandaged Sherlock’s arm , and helped him to get dressed again. Then, they went downstairs to meet John, without saying another word. There was no need. 

 

 

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

Jim was still holding Sherlock when they went back to the kitchen. He knew he only needed help with the stairs now, but he hadn't complained, so Jim kept his arm around Sherlock’s waist.

 

John was studying, his head buried under a pile of notes. He glanced up when they entered, looking worried.

 

“Alright?” John asked, looking at Sherlock.

 

Sherlock nodded, blushing, as Jim helped Sherlock to sit, and moved to his chair.

 

"If you let me use your laptop, I'll check John's file again", he offered.

They looked at Jim at the same time, with a surprised expression. After a minute, Sherlock nodded, and passed him the laptop.

 

Jim listened to them talking about homework, but he ignored them and focused on the screen. But then he noticed the internet history. Custody law, that was to be expected, Sherlock was looking for a way to help John. And...his father’s articles, the ones that had been published. His studies about the physiology of pain, behavioural modification and military training to resist torture.  Why had Sherlock researched Jim’s father?

 

Without thinking, he opened one of the articles. Habituation to pain in rats. Lovely. He closed the window, regretting having opened it, and tried to dismiss the memories coming to his mind.

 

"If you are going to share your laptop you should delete your internet history", he whispered, trying to keep his voice steady.

  
Sherlock stared at him, speechless, and John's eyes widened.

 

Jim closed his eyes, trying to focus, but it was difficult. Finally he gave up, and shutdown the computer. "I need some air", he said in a controlled tone.  
  
"Jim....", whispered Sherlock, looking guilty  
  
Jim forced a smile. "I'll be back, Sherlock. I just need some air"

 

Without saying anything else, and feeling how they looked at him, he left the house and walked for a while. He didn’t go far,  not wanting to go away, but not daring to go back until he was in control. He hated those articles. Jim had read the other ones too, the unpublished ones his father had written about him, and they were too similar. Why had Sherlock read them? Did he know? _Had John told him_? The mere idea made him feel sick. After a while, he went back and stood before the door, but didn't ring for another five minutes, still feeling altered.

   
Finally, feeling in control and his memories controlled, Jim rang, and waited until John opened the door.

"Welcome back," John greeted him quietly, letting Jim in.

 

Something was wrong.  In a glance he noticed John's state, the tension and fear clearly visible in his body language. And blood in his hand? What had happened? He entered, and took John's wrist, examining his hand without saying a word. The cuts were not deep, but they hadn't been cleaned, and surely were painful. The worry he was feeling surprised him. "Come, let's clean and bandage it", he said, not bothering to hide his emotions. He didn't feel the need of doing it with John, he had already seen him, and hadn't used it against him. Yet.  
  
John nodded, looking uncomfortable. "I dropped a cup," he explained, biting his lip anxiously as they walked inside.

 

 Jim heard what John wasn't saying. He understood the fear of consequences when you did something wrong. John was scared. He didn't comment anything, that wouldn't help.

 

Once the cuts had been put under the water, he studied them carefully. Not deep, definitely. No need for stitches. Good. He looked up and watched Sherlock's expression. Guilt. "Sherlock, come here and give me a hand", he said; giving him something useful to do would stop him thinking those idiotic things. This had clearly been an accident.  
   
Sherlock got up, unable to meet John's eyes, and helped Jim to tend to John's cuts.

John stayed silent as they worked on his fingers, keeping his gaze lowered out of shame and fear.  It reminded Jim of this morning. He had promised to keep John safe, he had a deal with Sherlock. And...he didn't like that expression in John's face. He knew that feeling, of not being good enough and always messing up things. He was about to say something, to tell John that he would keep him safe, but in that moment he glanced at Sherlock. Guilt, _and_ fear. "I can't believe I'm doing this", he muttered. Then, in a normal tone, he added. "I'm going to check John's file. You two...clearly need to talk. You could go to another room", he suggested, almost an order.

 

John swallowed thickly and met Jim's gaze. When Sherlock had started to move towards the door he spoke quietly. "I have to tell him it was my mother."

Jim checked that Sherlock couldn't hear them before answering. "If that's what it takes, then do it." He didn't want Sherlock to know, but it was better than this situation. "And....John? I promised to keep you safe. You know i've never broken a promise"

John nodded and smiled weakly. "I know, Jim. But I like to think you aren't just doing it for a promise." he shrugged. "Thank you," he said, gesturing to his fingers vaguely. "For everything." He awkwardly patted Jim's shoulder and moved to follow Sherlock.

 

"I'm not", he whispered, not sure if he wanted John to hear or not. A promise wouldn't have made him do what he had done this morning. Or this. But he didn't know how to deal with those emotions. He wasn't attracted to John, it was totally different to what he felt for Sherlock, but he cared about him. A lot. When had that happened? Silently he sat and started the laptop, checking the police and the social services database.  
  
When John and Sherlock came back, they were holding each other, and looking happy.  He wasn't sure if he should share what he had found.

 

John helped Sherlock sit at the table once more and then took his own seat. "Anything new?"

 

"Yes", sighed Jim. He decided to start by the good part. "The social worker report. It says that you are to stay here, temporarily  to avoid further emotional damage. It also orders a complete evaluation of your mother and father, and you, separately". He didn't offer to show the report to John; it mentioned the scene at school, and referred to Jim's case several times. 

 

"That's...good”, John answered, uncertain.

 

Jim looked at him. "It is. No matter how bad you do it, it will be better than the evaluations of you they already have; and you will do it good, I can tell you what to say". He had learnt what psychologists wanted to hear, and how to convince them that he was getting better.

 

 "Anything else?"

 

"Yes", he said, reluctantly. "Something bad"

 

John’s eyes widened. "What?"

 

"Your father's testimony on the attack to Sherlock", he started. "Are you sure you want to know?"

 

He glanced at Sherlock and then back at Jim. "Yes."

 

"He claims that Sherlock was the one who raped you, and when he found out, he attacked him to protect you", he replied, showing him the file opened in the computer.

 

 

John’s face paled as he scanned the article. "I swear that man is going to either get himself killed or get others killed." he muttered.

"Does it...mention my name?", asked Sherlock, worried.   
   
 Jim scanned the article. John's father had blaimed _that boyfriend_ , and it was the nicest thing he called him. No names. "No, but it is in the hospital report and in your declaration"

Sherlock moved closer to John and hugged him. They both looked scared.

 

"Calm down, both of you. Nobody believes him. He had lied before, and after what you said at the station and what happened today...it will be okay", said Jim, in a calm and reassuring tone.  
   
John hummed in agreement, leaning into Sherlock's embrace. "It'd be bloody easier to kill myself."he said, without thinking.  
   
   
Sherlock paled, and pulled him closer.  
   
"Never took you for a coward", said Jim coldly. "Or for a selfish person", he added, noticing Sherlock's reaction. He stood up and moved to Sherlock's side.  
 

John whispered something in Sherlock’s ear, and it seemed to calm him down a bit. Then he glared at Jim "Well, excuse the _fuck_ out of me."

 

"Of course it's easier. For you! What about _him_? What about..." He stopped in the middle of the sentence, unable to go on. He focused on Sherlock, who was still hyperventilating. Hesitant, he caressed his head. "It's okay, Sherlock. I'll protect him. Even from himself", he said, tenderly.

 

Slowly, Sherlock’s body relaxed. "I'm s....sorry", he said in a whisper

John kissed Sherlock's forehead softly. "You're alright. Not your fault," he soothed, stroking his back gently.  
   
Once more, Jim felt like if he were intruding something private. And...letting Sherlock see his emotions this way made him feel vulnerable. He retired his hand and took a step back.  
 

After a while, John moved back a bit, to give Sherlock space. Sherlock looked up, clearly embarrassed  "I think i'll go to my room for a while"

 

“I’ll help you up”, John replied, frowning.

 

Jim observed them leaving the room, John holding Sherlock and talking to him in whispers. Hurting people was easy. Comforting them....that was much more difficult. John was much better at that than him.

 

He shut down the laptop again, and thought about what had happened. John’s words had angered him. If John wasn’t here he didn’t know if he could be with Sherlock. And he would never been able to help him like John had done. But he should have controlled his emotions better. When John came back, he looked tired.

 

"I apologize for what I said before". Jim said, softly.

   
John waved it off. "It's fine. You had every right to. I wasn't thinking and said what I shouldn't have."  
  
 Jim looked at his watch. It was still soon. And he needed to do something. All this emotions were exhausting.

 

"Let's do something useful. Take the penknife"  
  
John looked a bit surprised by that but took the penknife out of his pocket.

 

"Let me see how you hold it", he said, walking closer.

John was holding it too tight. Then too loose. Jim showed him how to control his grip, and how and where to attack in order to hurt enough to have a chance to run. Then he made John attack him in order to practise. After a while, John seemed to get the knack of it.

"This is more than how to hold it, and how to use it. Would you be able to use it against her? To defend yourself?" Jim asked, later.

John  bit his lip. "I would if I needed to, definitely."

"Good. Then you'd better be ready. Let’s try it again"

John sighed reluctantly and continued as they had been, improving each time.

“There's not much more than I can tell you, the rest is mostly practice. Do it once and again until it becomes instinctive and you don't need to think."

John nodded.. "Thank you, by the way"

He ignored John's words, not knowing how to answer to them. Instead he took his hand again.

 

"The cuts hadn't opened. Good"

He released John's hands, and studied carefully his face. He looked better than before, but still not normal. "What happened before? You broke something, that much is clear". He remembered what he had seen, and what he knew of John. "You used to be punished for that"  
  
 John breathed shakily, remaining silent for a minute before answering.

 


	31. Chapter 31

Jim waited patiently. He wasn’t sure what John needed right now. He could see exactly how he could hurt him (easy: just calling him clumsy would make him cry now). But he didn’t want to do that, so he just waited in silence.

 

"Anytime I did something wrong, or accidentally broke something , dad would be vicious. I broke a plate a few years ago.. Dad was so angry. He spent two days 'punishing' me." John whispered, shaking his head. "His friends would come over and order me to do something wrong, just so they would have an excuse to 'punish' me too."

 

He listened, hearing what John wasn't saying with words but with his body language. The fear, the helplessness. The reason for his words before. "It won't happen again", he stated. Even in the highly unlikely case of the trial ending badly, he could help John run away and remain hidden. "And the fear...will become easier to control", he added, lowering his voice. There was something about John's trust that made him want to help; hearing that things had got better for him might help John to have hope. And as long as you have hope, you keep fighting.

 

John nodded. "I guess it will. I haven't been that scared in months." he said quietly. "Not since my dad cornered me in that alley." he bit his lip and shook it off. "It'll all be fine."

 

Alley? The week he had missed school, surely. "It won't", he said. He had always hated when people lied to him telling things will be fine. "It will be easier. With time, less things will trigger you. And you will be able to control your reactions better. But it won't be _fine_. What happened is part of you", he said, looking away from John. He still didn't understand what did John had to make Jim behave this way, to...almost trust him.

 

"You're right, it won't. But I like to think it it will be fine. That _I_ will be fine, even though I know I won't be. I want to be. But I _know_ I won't."

 

John really believed that. Maybe it was different. Jim had had noone, and John had Sherlock. Maybe _he_ would be fine. "Maybe I'm wrong. You have him"

 

"You have us." John replied softly.

 

That left him speechless. He still didn't know how to react to that. Nothing in exchange, no threats, nothing. Just...offering to help. Without asking anything in return, or being payed for it. His first instict was to go away. Trusting people was dangerous, and John already knew too much. But...he understood. "It's been almost eight years, and I still can't sleep a single night without...." he froze. He couldn't talk about it. He just couldn't. Part of him was still telling him to go, and find a way to control John and make sure he didn't tell anybody. 

 

John nodded at what Jim was saying. "Jim.. I know you don't trust people, and for valid reasons. But.. I'm not going to tell anyone, I'm not going to judge you and I'm not going to abandon you. I offer you friendship."

 

"Friendship", he repeated. John wasn't lying, he really meant that. This morning...he hadn't done it  because the deal with Sherlock, he had done it because John had asked for his help. He relaxed slightly. "Have you ever...talked about it with anybody?"

 

John shook his head. "Not all of it. Just the general facts with Sherlock and Greg. But not in detail or even everything in statements."

 

He nodded. It made sense. "They tried to make me talk about it. The...doctors. I just wanted to forget. They don't get it". After some time he had started to make things up and pretend to be better, and finally they had let him go.

 

John studied Jim for a moment. "You still haven't spoken about it properly, have you?"

 

He shook his head. Who would he talk to? The therapist he was still forced to visit once a month? She was being paid to listen, and reported to social services. His mother? She was too unstable.  Sebastian? He was loyal, but Jim didn't dare to show any weakness in front of him. Molly? He wasn't even himself around her.

 

"You could talk to me about it, of you'd like." John offered timidly.

 

"Does it help, talking about it?", he asked, unsure

 

"I wouldn't know. But everyone says it's always easier after you talk to someone.  I suppose it would help though. Because you'd have someone who gets it, and can support you."

 

_He wouldn't know_. That meant he hadn't told Sherlock. Jim understood that. "You can talk to me, too. I...I don't want Sherlock to know. There are some things...he doesn't have to know. And he'd never look at me at the same way. Or at you."

 

John nodded. "Of course, I know." he assured. "Between us alone."

 

Total honesty again. Still not sure, but wanting to try, he opened his mouth to start talking, and closed it again. How was he suposed to tell it? Where to start? "I don't know how to talk about it", he said after a minute.

 

"That's okay. You don't have to do it right now, by the way. Any time you want. And it doesn't have to be all at once. Just little bits here and there, if it's easier."

 

He started pacing across the room, thinking. Maybe talking would help, maybe he would be able to sleep a night without remembering. But it would require trusting John with more information about him, and information was power. Maybe....something he already knew. Yes. "This morning...I wasn't acting. That's how...how I feel. All the time"

 

John sat on the counter top, his hands on his thighs. "My mother instigated the abuse."

 

No comments, no analysis. It was...like a trade. He could do it that way. He sat besides John, without looking at him. "My mother tried to stop him. Didn't work"

 

John clasped his hands together between his thighs. "My father and his friends used to tie me up, to rape and beat me."

 

He stared at the window, keeping his face blank. "My whole skin is covered in scars. I can't stand looking at them. He did it on purpose, leaving my face and hands clean"

 

John kept his gaze on his thighs, biting his lip but otherwise giving nothing away. "Only half of my scars are from me. The rest are my mother."

 

He wondered if Sherlock had seen John's scars, and how he had reacted to them. If he would be able to let somebody see them, touch him. "I wasn't allowed out of the house. Didn't exist legally until...until it was over"

 

"I used to smoke, but my mother found out and forced me to stop by putting out the cigarettes on my back."

 

He remembered the sharp pain that fire caused. John understood, at least better than anybody he had ever known. He moved slightly closer to him. "I tried to scape once. I was six. The consequences....I didn't try again".

 

John swallowed thickly, staring at the wall in front of them. "They never hurt my sister as much as me, but they threatened me with her all the time. She's now an alcoholic and sleeps around, even though she has a girlfriend."

 

"I found his notes while he was working. He was always taking notes when...when he was with me. I figured out what he wanted from me. It helped, for a while. Then it was worse". He had already told John about the articles, after all.

 

"I suffer from PTSD, and it get's really bad when I'm nervous or scared." 

 

He remembered how conforting had John's hand felt, and wondered if it would be okay to hold it. Psychological labels weren't his favourite topic. He took John's hand, not sure of how would he react. "I was taken to a psychiatric hospital, afterwards. I've been diagnosed with almost everything"

 

John looked at their joined hands, and gave Jim's hand a light squeeze. "I'm terrified of going to a psychiatrist because I can barely even think about what's happened, never mind talk about it to some stranger."

 

He released John's hand, still not sure if it had been a good idea. "When I first went to school, I was surprised to see that it wasn't normal. That most people had no idea of how it was"

 

"I can't stand looking at my skin, but I still want to cut and destroy it. I never feel clean and I want to just tear it off."

 

"I never thought I'd care this much about somebody. I was raised believing that caring was dangerous, was a weakness. It's..." _terrifying_. "...difficult"

 

John  nodded in understanding.  "I'd always thought that love and any form of relationships would be full of pain and hate. I don't know what I'm doing half the time."

 

Love. He wasn't sure of what that meant. he had seen the effects it had in people, he knew how to use it to manipulate. But he had no idea of how it felt. "How do you know...", he started without thinking. Then he stopped, not sure about the boundaries of their relationship with Sherlock.

 

"I don't. I mean… I know how love is meant to work and I know that if I was to love anyone, it would be him." John explained. 

 

"I didn't plan this. I found him...interesting since the begining, but..." He kept looking at the window, thinking. "He will get bored of me, once he solves the puzzle. You...take care of him, when that happens"

 

"I feel that I may never be enough for him. As much as he cares about me, he _really_ cares about you."

 

Jim stared at John. He had seen Sherlock intrigued by him, aroused, curious. He hadn't seen him _caring_. But maybe he didn't know where to look.

 

John glanced at Jim, eye brow raised, without saying anything.

 

"Maybe this will work", Jim muttered. "I don't mind seeing him with you. It's...weird. It used to bother me"

 

"I don't really mind seeing him with you, either. I used to get angry about it but now... I suppose it's because we have a better understanding of it now."

 

"And because he looks happy", he added. How had they ended up talking about Sherlock?

 

John nodded in agreement. "Yeah, he does."

 

He stayed silent for a while, thinking. Then he looked at John, and asked "Did it help, talking about it?"

 

John shrugged after a moment, unsure. "I'm not really sure. Did it help you?"

 

"I don't know. I feel...calm. It wasn't like remembering. That usually leaves me...well, you've seen it. I don't feel bad, so.....maybe it helped"

 

"I know what to mean. Kind of like a weight has been lifted, yeah?"

 

Jim nodded. This was even more confusing than what he felt for Sherlock. He cared for Sherlock, liked him. Maybe even loved him. He wasn't atracted to John, but, for some strange reason, he trusted him. "There are things I can help you with. Like the psychological evaluation. I can tell you what to expect, how to answer"

 

John smiled weakly. "I'd appreciate that. Maybe not today, though. I don't think I can handle talking about psychological evaluations."

 

"There is time. The evaluation request was placed today, and it requieres a lot of paperwork. It's not my favourite topic either, but you'd better know what to expect"

 

"What do I have to expect?"

 

"They won't ask you about the details of what happened to you; instead, they will try to stablish your actual state, how are you coping. You have to convince them that you are recovering, and that you are happy where you are". He noticed John's obvious disconfort with the topic. "As I told you, we have time. Don't worry too much, you'll do fine. It's true, after all"

 

John nodded and exhaled shakily. "It's all so messy. I don't see why we need professionals to tell our mental state. We already know it."

 

"In your case, to make sure you are not sent back home. With luck the trial would be delayed until after your birthday. In my case...i still have a montly sesion; I've been having it for years, and the only thing it had tought me is how to tell her what she wants to hear"

 

"Such as?" John asked, curious.

 

He smiled bitterly. John wanted more than to know, he wanted to _see_. He changed slightly his body language, in the way he did in his appointments with his therapist. Something between scared and hopeful, willing to get better. His voice matched that, too. Hope with a touch of insecurity, and a hint of fear at certain words. "The nightmares are not so bad, lately. Sometimes I manage to sleep the whole night. I...I thing that is a good sign, isn't it?" He changed slightly his facial expression, faking a happy smile "I'm working in a new maths project, it's aboslutely fascinating, I think I could become a matematician one day!" Another change of expression, this time showing relief. "I donated his suits to charity yesterday, so...maybe they can help somebody". He let his face blank again, and looked at John. "They expect you to get better, to show interest in some things, but it had to be slowly"

 

John’s eyes widened. "Bloody hell. I could never pull that off."

 

"Practice", he replied. "You won't have to lie, not much. You _are_ getting better, and you are happy here"

  
John pursed his lips. "That's quite true."

 

"See? You won't have to lie, only to decide what to tell them. If you say you are not ready to talk about it, and show...anxiety, or some kind of reaction at the idea, they won't press you.”

 

"You really cracked it, huh?"

  
He shrugged. "Not.much more to do in the centre. I was allowed to read whatever I wanted, and I saw a lot of therapists. As i told you, it's the only useful thing I learnt there."

John nodded. "Makes sense. Do you think talking to them might have helped though?"  
  
He shook his head. "I would still be there. They report to social services. There was...One of them was...different. It was the first time I made a deal with somebody. She honoured it, and so did I. She got me out of there."  
  
"Good thing for rare people, I suppose."

 

"You are wondering if therapy might help _you_ ", he said. It was an easy deduction.

"A bit, but I hate the idea of it." John replied.

 

He thought about it. "Some of the things she asked me to do in exchange to letting me out of there actually helped. Maybe it would help you. I don't know."

 

John shrugged. "Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. And... About what I said earlier, that he freaked out about... I meant that."

 

"So did I. It would be _easier_ than fighting. I understand. But you are braver than that. You are planning to go back with her to gather evidence. Those are not a coward's actions. And it would destroy him." And me, he thought, surprised.

John sighed. "Yeah, yeah I know. I've tried a few times before. Several." He muttered. "Sometimes I'm glad I didn't succeed, but others.."

 

"I know", Jim replied, still lost in thought. "I can't tell you _it gets better_. It's what everybody say, and it's not true. But it gets...easier." The problems were still there, the memories, the nightmares. But he could cope with them better. "And you have him. And..." he hesitated before continuing. "...me"

 

"Thanks Jim. That... That means a lot." He patted Jim's knee in a thankful gesture.

 

He stared at his knee, and John's hand on it. It was surprisingly conforting. "I promised to keep you safe", he replied, unsure. This...friendship with John, without deals or power, was disconcerting.

 

John retarcted his hand. "I know. And I promise, here and now, to do all I can to help you in any way I can."

 

He nodded, not sure of what to reply to that. "This morning...it wasn't only because of the deal. I would have started the fire alarm, in that case."

 

"I know," John said quietly. "You wouldn't put yourself in such a position, just for a deal."

"It was the best way", he replied softly.  "And...you already knew. That made it easier". John being in the room had also made it easier.

 

John nodded. "Glad I could help." He glanced towards the door for a moment, wondering if Sherlock had fallen asleep or was still lying there awake. "I'm sorry she attacked you."

"Not your fault", he replied, thinking that if he hadn't given John his pen knife that day things would have ended differently.  
  
In that moment Sherlock entered the kitchen. Jim frowned. He hadn't heard any noise.

 

John's gaze shot to the door as Sherlock walked in. "Hey, what are you doing up?"

"I was feeling better. I even managed to come downstairs", he replied.  
   
Jim studied him carefully. His words sounded forced, and there was something on his face...guilt? He was pale, and looked tired. It made no sense.

 

John paused for a moment, confused. "How long were you at the door?" he asked carefully.

Sherlock’s whole body tensed. He looked from one to the other, almost panicking, and took a step back. Then he opened his mouth, and closed it again without saying anything, taking another step back, before leaving the room as fast as he could.

 

John rubbed his face roughly. "That's a clear answer." he groaned, hopping off the counter.

 

Sherlock knew. How much? How long had he been listening? No matter. He _knew_. Jim's past, his weakness. He would never respect him again, he would see him as a _victim_. He buried his face in his hands, trying to remain in control. He had never told anybody before, and now...one of the few person whose opinion mattered... _he knew_ , and everything would change.   
  
_He was in control_. This was nothing, people had known before and he had managed to ignore it. _He was in control_. Focus, breathe. Sherlock won't tell anybody and this relationship couldn't have last anyway. _He was in control._ Finally, feeling slightly calmer, he looked up, and saw John. He didn't seem to be  much better than Jim was. Slowly, he walked towards him, and looked for something to say. _Control_. He tried to think about it logically. What options were there? Go and find Sherlock, wait until he came back, or...he could offer John to go to his place. "What do we do?", he asked, not trying to hide the anxiety in his voice.


	32. Chapter 32

 

John was looking at him, clearly as confused as he was.  "I have no idea. I… I just don't know." He said quietly.

 

"Right, let's...let's think about the...possibilities. We could...go after him, try talking to him" Jim wasn't sure if he could face Sherlock right now, and John seemed as affected as he was. "or...wait until he comes back" _If_ he came back. It didn't looked likely. "Or...if...if you want to...you could come to my place....until things calm down....or....I don't know. any ideas?"

 

John exhaled shakily. "If we leave, Sherlock will assume we are never coming back and that we are furious. He'll do something stupid."

 

"I'm not sure if I can face him right now", he replied in a whisper. Or ever.

 

"We could.. Stay here and wait for him to come to us?' John  said timidly, repeating Jim's earlier idea. "Though that could take days."

 

It wasn't as if somebody was waiting for him. His mother wouldn't even notice he wasn't home. "You want me to stay? "

 

"You don't have to... Only if you actually want to ."

 

"I want to. But...are you sure you want me here? Maybe you two could talk better alone"

 

John cocked his head to the side. "He heard you too. It's not just me in this."

 

"Yes, but I'm not..." He stopped talking. John had said he wanted him here. "Fine. I'll stay"

John paused. "You're not what?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

 

"You two are together. I'm not his boyfriend, or even his friend. I doubt he wants to find me here", Jim said honestly.  
   
John stared at him for a moment. "You are as close to his boyfriend as you can get without me kicking the bucket. If it wasn't for the fact I now _live_ here, you'd probably be the preferred option."

Jim doubted that. Now he was no longer a puzzle, and Sherlock would lost interest  But the fact that John believed that was reassuring. "Let's fix this, then. First, let's have some tea, we both need it. Then we'll find out where he has gone, and we'll wait for him to get out. I doubt it'll take as long as you said. When does he have to take his next painkiller?", he asked, taking the bottle.

John flicked on the kettle with a sigh. "Two hours." he replied, taking down mugs to prepare them.

People believed he could fix _everything_. Sherlock had believed that, and the way John was looking at him implied that he believed it too. He waited until the tea was done and John was sitting in front of him. An apology wouldn't be enough, not for him. He wasn't angry, he was feeling betrayed. To regain his trust, he'd need much more than an apology. He'd need....oh. That might do. He looked at John, wondering what would work for him. "What would it take for you to trust him again?", he asked, softly.  
 

 "I don't know. Time, I guess. But that's a bit redundant.. What did you have in mind?" John asked, sipping at his tea.

 

"Time...no. I need him to understand how we feel. It's not because he was listening, it's because what he heard, what he knows. First he researches me, and then he spies on us. I..." he paused, not sure of how would John react at his idea. "I want him to feel  the same way. To understand . That's what I made him do before, and it worked"

 

"What do you intend us to do, to do that, then?"

"I'm not sure. It's...complicated. I don't want to break him", he replied, thinking. "Before, I...I made him show me his scars. He had seen mine, and...it made things right. Maybe...if we knew something about him, if he told us...." He hesitated, looking for the right words. "That could make me feel better about him knowing. Maybe. Depending of how different he looks at me"

John frowned and bit his lip in thought. "That could work. but it would take a lot. There's not a lot to know about him or his family or anything."

"We weren't talking about secrets, or family. I don't mind much him knowing that. We were talking about...how it made us feel. I had never talked about it before, and to be overheard...it feels..." Betrayed didn't quite described it. "He always has to know everything", he sighted.

 

John nodded absently. "That he does. So, how do we go about this? We have two hours."

 

Suddenly he knew exactly what he could ask Sherlock to tell them. The right thing to make him feel as exposed as they had felt. He smiled, feeling much better. "Let him wait, and worry. He....you still have that deal, don't you? He won't do anything stupid?"

   
John nodded again. "He better not. I'm not in the mood for a relapse." He half-joked.

Jim looked at the window noticing that it was almost dark. "Are you sure I can stay for the night?", he asked, finishing his tea

  
 "Course you can. It's not like there's no room."  
  
    
"Two hours, you said. Knowing him, it could be more. Let's do something useful. Want a hand with your homework? You looked a bit lost in class"

"Wouldn't mind a bit of help. I _really_ hate History."

"You just need to understand it. The motivations behind the events, the fight for power. I find it fascinating. Go for your books, i'll find out where he is"

Jim went out of the kitchen, and looked around. The door of the room opposite had been opened and now was closed. He pressed it carefully. Locked. He hadn't gone very far. He went back to the kitchen, leaving the door open so he would see if Sherlock came out.  
 

When John came back with his book and notes, Jim explained him the lesson they were studying, and the key events of the period. It helped them to keep their mind busy, and not to worry too much about Sherlock. And it was...interesting, showing John how to identify and remember the relevant facts. He asked a lot of questions, but they were the right ones, and only asked them one time.

 

After some time, Jim noticed that John was glancing at the door every couple of minutes.

 

"What's wrong?", he asked, quietly.

"He might not come out for painkillers. He'll leave himself in pain, because it won't actually be him harming himself, just neglecting the pain.. He did that when..." John stopped for a second. "He refused to take the tablets until I forced him."

When? Maybe the night after the kiss, when they had fought. Why hadn't him thought about that? Again, he didn't understand why anybody would willingly want pain. "You said two hours. Let's give ten more minutes. I can pick the lock if he doesn't get out. Unless you want him to stay there the whole night"

"No, it's no use leaving him there by himself, in pain, all night." John shook his head with a sigh.

"So...you'll let me handle this? Without even asking what I plan to do?" Did John really trusted him this much?

 

"I'll be there, so I can stop it if I need to. But.. You know what you're doing."

"I need this. I need to make him feel vulnerable, to understand how i felt, to regain balance. I won't break him, but if you think it's too much for him, then stop it. You know him better than I do"

"That's perfectly fine then. I can agree to that."  
   
He thought about it again. "It might be difficult for you too. You...stop me if...you need it"  
  
"I will. But.. I'm not fully sure if there will be a problem. What do you intend to ask him?"  
   
"It has to be something meaningful. And as hard to remember than what he heard. I saw his scars today. I identified the first one, the hesitation marks and the shape of the scar made it clear. I'm going to ask him what happened to make him do that"  
   
    
"That's a fair enough question." John agreed. "I have no reason to stop it, if that's the case."  
  
He studied his face for signs of anxiety. None. "Unless you have a better idea"  
   
"I dunno, I'm just used to letting stuff happening and just leaving it be."  
   
"You know this isn't how people normally handle this sort of things, don't you? But the normal things...talking about it, ignore it...they don't work for me. Neither what you said, leaving it be. I need...rules, control. Balance.  He had learnt about us, so now he has to tell us about him. Something difficult, personal. I don't know if this will work for you too."

 

"Yes I do know, thanks." John rolled his eyes but then nodded, his shoulders slumping. "I know. In all fairness, both of you need it. Personally, I'm okay just in the background  but both of you need this type of thing - which I'm okay with. It may work for me, it may not." He shrugged. "We'll see."

Jim nodded. John couldn't know without trying. "If you have finished studying, you could...try to make him open the door. If he doesn't, i'll pick the lock. And...whatever you did last time to make him take the painkillers, do  it again."

John nodded and put the notes in his book before closing it again. "Won't be long. Hopefully." He sighed and left the kitchen.

 

He came back a couple of minutes later, holding Sherlock, who was clearly in pain, and staring at the floor.


	33. Chapter 33

Jim observed silently how John led Sherlock slowly to a chair, and gave him his medication as he talked to Sherlock softly. Jim prepared himself mentally for what he was about to do.

 

Sherlock took the pill, without looking up. “I'm sorry", he whispered.   
   
Jim noticed the way his voice trembled, the guilt and shame in his voice. He kept his own voice controlled. This would work, it had to. "That's not enough"

And then, Sherlock’s body relaxed, and he looked at him, in the same way he had done during their deal, as if Jim could fix anything

 

"What would be enough?"  
   
Jim smiled, suddenly feeling much better. He walked towards Sherlock, and, over his shirt, he touched the place in his arm where that first scar was, tracing it carefully. "You tell us what happened to cause this", he said, in the same controlled voice.  
   
Sherlock shivered  and looked at John, clearly scared. Jim waited. John had said he was okay with this, but one thing was saying it, and another thing was actually doing this. John stayed silent and met Sherlock's gaze evenly, his arms folded across his chest. Good.  
   
Sherlock looked back at Jim. "Will that m-make things r-right?"  
   
Jim nodded. "That, and not mentioning anything you heard unless either of us bring up the topic." Jim looked at John, in case he wanted to add anything else, and to see if he agreed to the terms  
  
 John thought for a moment. "After this we act like nothing happened. Sherlock heard nothing." he said firmly.

Jim nodded again. That was a good idea, if Sherlock could do it. "We have a deal, then. Sherlock?  
   
"Deal", Sherlock replied.  
   
Jim looked at John. "John?"

 

"Deal." John nodded, jaw set firm.

 

Sherlock nodded, and, still looking down, started to tell them. "It was...shortly after...the incident with...the food", he whispered, glancing at John. Jim wondered what would that mean. Food? He’d have to find out."I was living alone at that time. My mother was working, and Mycroft was studying abroad, although after...that...he visited once a month. I was...doing better, and I was sent back to school. My mother decided that a new school would be better than going back. It was...bad”. Sherlock hesitated, and continued in a lower tone.  "A week after, nobody talked to me. I...I was used to be called names, to he beaten, but silence....that was much worse. I started to think....I was the first time I seriously thought that...there was something wrong with me. I...I couldn't stop thinking, about the way I was....different. Wrong. Time passed, and still no one talked to me, and I....I started to think that...I deserved it, that maybe I was...all those things people in the other school called me. And the words...keep repeating themselves in my mind, once and again, I couldn't stop them. I just wanted to....to stop thinking, to feel normal, to...to fit in" His voice was starting to tremble, and he stopped to take a deep breath to calm himself before continuing. "I read a lot, even then. I had read that pain could block the neural paths; so I thought that it could make the thoughts stop. I..." He looked around. "I was here, actually. The day had been...specially difficult, and...i had been thinking about doing it for a while. I...I used a knife" Sherlock closed  his eyes and remained silent for a minute. "It...worked", he finished, looking up.

 

Jim looked at Sherlock. He still hadn't moved, waiting for them to decide if they needed to hear more. Jim didn't. It had clearly been difficult for Sherlock to talk about it, and maybe now he understood why they didn't want him to know. But it wasn't only Jim in this. Without taking his eyes from Sherlock, he asked. "Enough for you, John?"

 

John kept himself schooled. "Yes. How about you?" He asked, to Jim but while looking at Sherlock.

 

"Yes", he repeated, noticing how Sherlock's body relaxed at the sound. Slowly, he moved closer to Sherlock and kissed his forehead softly. "You did well", he said in a warmer tone.

 

John smiled encouragingly at the curly haired teen, holding his hands gently, as Sherlock closed his eyes, his body totally relaxed.  
  
"It's late, we should go to sleep, there's school tomorrow", said Jim in the same tone, without moving away

 

John nodded in agreement. "We should." he said softly, stroking the back of Sherlock's hand.

 

"You are staying", Sherlock whispered without opening his eyes.   
  
It wasn't a question, so Jim didn't answer. Sherlock looked so calm... Silently he started to play with his hair. He had been wanting to do that for a while.

 

He looked at John, who was playing with Sherlock's fingers, stroking the inside of his wrist lightly. Jim smiled, feeling, for the first time since he had known Sherlock and John, that he belonged here. He kissed Sherlock's forehead again. This felt right; he knew it was strange, but it seemed to...work. He looked at John again, and he seemed to be relaxed, too. It had worked, he was feeling in control again.

 

This should be awkward, but it wasn't. When John took Sherlock’s hand and kissed it, Sherlock smiled without opening his eyes, and rested his head on Jim’s chest. It was...perfect.  
  
Jim kept playing with Sherlock's hair, and glancing at John. He looked...tired. And it was late. Reluctantly he moved away from Sherlock. "We should sleep"

John nodded."You're right." he agreed, stifling a yawn.

 

He wondered where he was going to sleep. It was clear that they shared a bed, so maybe in the room opposite that John wasn't using. "Do you have an old shirt, or something I can use?"

 

"John can find you something", Sherlock replied, looking him in the eyes.

 

Jim heard John stepping away to go upstairs, but he didn’t move his eyes away from Sherlock’s.

 

"You are staying", Sherlock repeated, looking at Jim.

  
"I'm staying, yes. Brilliant deduction, Sherlock, given that i've just told you"  
  
Sherlock blushed. "I thought....after what I...I though i'd lost you"  
   
 Jim walked closer, and kissed him softly. "Idiot. You did something stupid, but you compensated it. Forget it, never happened"  
   
 Sherlock nodded, and rested his head on Jim's chest again. They stayed like that, silently, until John came back with and old shirt from Sherlock.

 

"Let's go, then. Where am i going to stay?", Jim asked, taking it.   
  
Sherlock looked at John before answering. "The room you stayed the first night?"

John nodded. "Yeah. Not like I'm using it."

 

 

They helped Sherlock with the stairs, and brought him into the bedroom. Then John helped him onto the bed, settling him under the sheets and propped on a few pillows.

 

"The room you mentioned...is the one in front of this, isn't it?", Jim asked from the door. It was close, too close. They might hear him.

John nodded. "It is. It has a heavy door, though."

 

John knew? Oh, of course he knew. He understood Jim too well. He nodded

 

"Do you need to phone home?", offered Sherlock.   
  
"No", he replied, walking out of the room. "See you in the morning"

John waved awkwardly. "Night."

 

Jim walked into the room and closed the door, which, as John had said, was heavy. Putting on Sherlock’s clothes felt strangely...right. He went to the bed, hoping that he wouldn’t have nightmares tonight. Or, if he was realist, hoping that they wouldn’t hear.

 


	34. Chapter 34

The nightmares come, like every night. Fragmented images from his childhood, mixed with events of the present. And, once and again, his father hurting Sherlock, or making him hurt Sherlock. He tried to wake up, but he couldn’t. It went on and on, until the music started. He didn’t know if he was dreaming or not, but his mind was filled by violin music. Soft and soothing melodies in minor keys, one after another, that made him feel safe.

 

He woke up soon, as he always did. He heard whispers coming from Sherlock’s room, but he ignored them, and headed for the bathroom. He took a shower and got dressed. He went back to his room and started to make the bed, when he heard a knock at the door.

 

Jim opened the door, and found John there. He knew they had heard him; what other reason would Sherlock have to play the violin in the middle of the night? He hoped they didn't mention it.  
 

John smiled weakly at him. "Alright?"

 

He had woken up rested after falling asleep listening to Sherlock playing. He didn't have any dream after that, or, if he had, he didn't remember. "Of course", he replied, noticing how tired John looked. "You?"

 

John nodded. "Yeah. I just hate mornings." He replied with a shrug.  
 

Jim liked mornings, specially that moment when everybody else was sleeping. He smiled at John sleepy face. "I could make tea", he offered

 

John smiled. "That'd be nice. I'll bring Sherlock downstairs."

 

Nice? It was the logical thing to do. "Alright.", he replied, heading towards the kitchen

 

He  prepared the tea. Then he served it. And waited. Maybe something was wrong, he hadn't seen Sherlock this morning, after all. He waited five more minutes, before deciding to go and check.  
   
The door of the room was open, so he entered. Nothing was wrong, they were just...busy. He doubted they had even noticed him. Silently he went back to the kitchen and drank his tea. And kept waiting. They had looked so...happy. Sherlock had never kissed him like that.

  
He waited until the moment when they had to leave or they'll be late. Time to make a decision, then. There was no good option. If he waited here...until when? And what was he supposed to do? If he went upstairs...they clearly didn't want him there. Finally he decided to go to Sherlock's room and ask John if he was coming to school. He went up slowly, choosing his words; but when he arrived, he forgot about the words. They were totally focused on each other, their lips together and their bodies as close as possible. At least they were dressed Again, he wondered what he was doing here.

 

"John?", he asked from the door

 

John broke the kiss and looked towards the door, seeing Jim. "School. Right, yeah." he sighed.

 

As soon as he heard Jim's voice, Sherlock looked at him. "Morning", he said, blushing.  
  
Jim looked from one to the other. This whole situation was...ridiculous. Funny. Sherlock looked embarrassed, and John as if he were dreaming. He laughed.

 

"I'd say I'll wait for you downstairs, but we all know what would happen then", he said, almost giggling, as he entered the room

 

John rolled his eyes and laughed. "Sod off," he joked getting his stuff together.

  
Jim stood in the middle of the room, waiting for John to finish, and glancing at Sherlock, who was almost staring at him, still blushed

 

Jim couldn't resist it. Not with Sherlock looking at him in that way. John was almost ready, but...No. He was ready, but he was letting them some time. Smiling, he walked closer to Sherlock, and whispered in his ear "Kiss me". An order, not a request, although Sherlock could easily ignore it. Making it an order gave him the sensation of control.  
  
Sherlock glanced at John, but he wasn't looking at them. Then he looked at Jim. There was something different in Sherlock’s eyes. Jim could see that he wanted to kiss him, as much as Jim wanted it.  When Sherlock kissed him, it was soft and tender. They had never kissed that way before.   
  
Jim stopped the kiss after mere seconds. It was....terrifying. It made him feel too much, it made him question that feeling of _care_ , and mentally change it into something much more intense. "Let's go, John", he said, walking towards the door without looking back. He walked silently before John, calming his mind. Why had that kiss felt so different? Did he....love Sherlock? Surely not. He dismissed the idea. It was ridiculous.

 

Jim entered the car, still silent. John looked tired. And he hadn't had his tea. He looked for something to say, but he couldn't take Sherlock out of his mind. "Does he usually play at night?", he asked, after a while

 

John sat silently for a moment. "No."  
 

It had been for him, then. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. It meant they had heard him. "He is...quite good"

 

John  nodded in agreement. "He is."

 

"And he looked good, this morning. Happy", he added, looking through the window.

 

"Yes he did. Been a while."

 

"So this is...working, then", he replied, looking at John again.

 

John smiled tiredly. "Yeah, I suppose it is. Which is great."

 

"Did you sleep at all?", he asked without thinking. John looked exhausted.

 

"Hmm? Yeah, I did. Well, enough.. Did you?"

 

"Yes. More than I usually do", he replied, looking outside again.

 

"That's good."

 

It was good, in a way. But...it also implied needing people. and that wasn't that good. He didn't say anything else about the topic, and kept staring outside. He wondered how it would be, trusting somebody. To the point of feeling comfortable with that person seeing him the whole time, to the point of allowing him to see his body without thinking about the scars. John...seemed to have that with Sherlock. He looked at him again, wondering if he had let Sherlock see him, wondering how it would feel.

 

"What?" John asked, his eyes closed with his head resting against the window.

 

"Nothing", he replied, softly. He wasn't going to ask him that. "Sleep, I'll wake you up when we arrive"

 

John shook his head, the glass cold against his cheek. "No  point in falling asleep. I'll be far more tired when I wake up."

 

He was probably right. But he looked as if he would fall asleep at any moment. "Then you should drink something with caffeine before going to your classroom. I don't think the teacher would like it if you fall asleep during the lesson"

 

"That's a good idea. Though, I doubt they would make much of a fuss."

 

He smiled bitterly. "Oh, they won't. Because they know, now. They will look at you, so tired, and they will _understand_. And that's much worse. You should be prepared. Things will be different after yesterday. Teachers will ask you if you are okay, will look at you in a different way. And...they'll expect to see us together"

 

 "I expected as much. Though that will affect your reputation won't it?"

 

"Not...all the time  together, of course. And don't worry about my reputation, I will take care of that". His reputation wasn't a problem. Nobody would question him. The highest risk was Greg, specially if he saw Jim with John.

 

 "Your friends won't like me around", he said, after a while

 

"What friends? _Greg_? He'll be fine. Believe me."

 

Greg hated him since his first day at school. And Jim hadn't been able to find anything against him until Molly. That had had the side effect of Greg hating him even more. "If you say so", he replied, doubtful. There had been something strange in John’s voice when he had mentioned Greg.

 

John sighed. "You are both my friends. I don't think there will be an issue, but if there is I will step in."

 

Nobody had called him a friend before; not freely, or without wanting something in return. It was...nice. "Thank you", he answered. The words still felt strange in his mouth, but it felt the right thing to say. Not because the offer to help, but because he had called him a friend.

 

John  nodded silently, looking out the window as they neared the school.

 

When the car stopped, he took a deep breath and, like he always did, he hid his emotions from his face and body language. Then he opened the door and stepped out of the car.

 

He glanced at John, noticing that he was getting better at hiding his emotions. Strangely, that made him feel...sad. He ignored the feeling and started walking to the door besides John, silently.

 

"See you in History", John said, as they reached the door.

 

He nodded. "See you," he replied as they parted ways and made his way towards his maths class.


	35. Chapter 35

 

Jim went through his classes as in a dream. He couldn't focus; no matter what he tried to think about, his mind keep going back to that last kiss with Sherlock, to the way it had made him feel. The teachers mostly looked at him with pity, and ignored him. He worked alone in Chemistry, and managed to finish the experiment without making any mistake. Then, in Biology he sat with Molly, who was clearly worried about him, but asked nothing. It was one of the best things about her, she knew when to remain silent. Finally he walked into his History class, and sat in his usual place.

 

John looked even more tired than this morning. He smiled at him, not his usual smile, cold and controlled, but neither the relaxed one he had had at Sherlock's. Something in the middle. Then he looked back at his notes. They would probably had a test today, it had been almost a month since the last one.

 

John smiled weakly, stifled a yawn and rolled his shoulders.

 

Jim noticed the way the teacher looked at them. He hated that expression. And, as he had predicted, they had a test. It was almost better than another boring and pointless class. He read the questions and couldn't help a tiny smile, realising that it was exactly the same things he had been explaining to John the day before.

 

He finished quickly, and decided to wait for John at the door. Maybe they could eat together.

 

John came out minutes after him.  "Lunch?" he asked quietly, clenching the ends of his sleeves awkwardly in his hands.

 

He nodded, feeling strangely relaxed. "I told you those were the important things", he said with a smile

 

"Yeah, you did. Thank you so much."

 

That was another thing he wasn't used to, people thanking him. He wasn't sure of how to react to that. "History makes sense, you just have to see the pattern", he muttered, awkward.

 

He couldn't help a small smile. "You're right, with that." he agreed with a nod.

 

That made him relax again. Another first: being relaxed at school. He noticed some people looking at him....no, looking at John....with worry. Nobody dared to look at him.

"How fast does news travel around the school?" John asked suddenly as they entered the cafeteria.

"Remember when in Physics they said that nothing moved faster than light? They lied. Rumors are faster"

"Oh. Shit." 

"Calm down. They only know that you were called to talk to the teachers and your mother. That usually means that you've done something bad, and you are in trouble. I won't tell anybody. The teachers won't, either", he replied in a lower tone."In fact...given that I left after you yesterday, and we came together today, everybody will assume that _I_ got you into trouble. That i'm...forcing you to be at my side, and to do things that end up in you being called to talk to your mother and the teachers" He had done it before, after all.

John bit his lip. "Unsurprising that they would think that. You hold a lot of power in here." he replied as they joined the line to get food. "Though it's s good cover."

"See? No need to worry, my reputation is intact with you", he replied, hiding a smile.  
  
John suppressed a laugh and picked up an apple with a bottle of water. "Thank God for the small things," he joked, though he kept his features blank with a hint of frustration. His tone was the exact opposite. Amused, happy. Still tired, though.  
   
"You are getting better at this", he observed, as he picked up his food. Part of him regretted it, but John was going to need it, at least for the trial. "Where do you want to sit?"  
   
"My usual place, or yours?" John asked, taking a bite of the apple.

"What about...somewhere in the middle?", he offered. Neutral ground. Sebastian wouldn't join him without an explicit invitation. Molly...he wasn't sure what she would do. Or what would Greg do.

He nodded and they walked to a table. He sat noticing the way people looked at them. They were afraid of him and worried about John, mostly. As he had predicted. He  looked around, and everybody averted his eyes and stopped looking. "About Greg...", he started, once he was sure the boy hadn't arrived yet  
   
"Yes?" John asked, eyebrow raised.

"There's a reason for I don't like him. He...he knows about me", he said in a whisper. "His father...was one of the policemen that found me. And...he told Greg something, I don't know how much"

 

John almost choked on his next bite. "Oh. Right. I... Wow. I never knew.. You could ask him how much he knows.."

"No", he replied. It had been hard enough to talk about it with John, in private and not even looking to each other. Talking about it at school with Greg....No. "As long as he leaves me alone and don't tell whatever he knows, it's fine"

"He's told nobody so far and I doubt he will." John replied, taking a bite of his apple thoughtfully. "If he did, he might as well tell everyone about me too."

"If he didn't told you when...." He stopped. He didn't want to talk about what he had done to John. He started to eat, thinking about what to say. "I won't say anything to provoke him unless i have no other option"

 

John hummed quietly in response, his eyes shooting to the door as Greg walked in.  "Speak of the devil." he muttered as the teen approached them slowly, lips set in a thin line.

 

Jim glanced at Greg. The boy looked angry. Very angry. He looked back at John, unsure. "As I told you, people assume I'm forcing you to do this. Him included. This is going to be....uncomfortable, at least", he whispered, before forcing a smile at Greg's proximity.

 

Greg sat at the table, his arms folded as he met Jim's gaze. "What the hell did you do?" he demanded, fuming.  
   
Jim looked at him coldly. "Nothing I wasn't asked to", he replied, looking at Greg in the eyes. Then, without looking away, he continued eating. He could see Sebastian in their usual table looking at him with a question in his eyes. Molly was sitting there too, reading. He shook his head slightly. He could handle this. Hopefully. If not, Sebastian would come and things would get out of control.

 

John placed his hand on Greg's elbow. "Calm down, mate. Do you think I'm that much of a push over, now?"

 

Greg ignored John. "Asked by who?" he spat, eyes narrowed dangerously.

 

Everybody was looking at them now. Idiot. As John had reminded him, he had a reputation to keep. He continued eating without showing any signs of being altered by Greg. Then, coldly, he replied "Who asked for my...intervention...well, that's hardly your business"

 

"Intervention?" Greg snorted. "Yeah, because I'm _sure_ John needed more trouble than he already has." he spat. His face was red with anger, his nails digging into his school jumper. "I-"  
   
John pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Greg, _stop_." he snapped, speaking quickly but barely above a whisper. "If Jim had done something, you would know from me. Like you always have. Now shut up and stop causing a scene."

 

"Well, what he doesn't need is a babysitter", Jim replied, getting angry. He could see Sebastian getting up, and he shook his head again. He'd told John that he wouldn't do anything unless he had not choice. Sebastian sat down again.

 

"Maybe he does. Protection from people like you and from himself."  
   
He swallowed an angry reply about Greg taking decisions for John, and took a deep breath. _People like you_. He breathed again.  If he didn't do something he would end up having to hurt Greg, and John wouldn't like that. He keep looking and Greg, his voice steady and controlled. "John? Do you need or want to be protected from me?"

 

"No, I don't. I'm perfectly fine." he said firmly, his tone clipped

 

Greg gaped at John for a moment before scowling at Jim. "I'm watching you. One _small_ trip up and," he shrugged, not finishing the sentence. "I'll end you." he rose to his feet and stormed out of the cafeteria.


	36. Chapter 36

Jim didn't let his emotions reach his face; too many people were watching. The truth was that he was frightened. He had no idea of how much Greg knew, and he couldn't handle it if people _knew_. One of his hands started to shake at the idea, but he controlled it. He _was_ in control. He finished his food at the same pace than he had started it, and then he looked at John. "Let's go somewhere...less public". He'd have to do something about Greg.

 

John abandoned his food and rose to his feet. "Yeah."

 

He got up and walked slow and confidently. He didn't look back, knowing that John would follow him. Once outside, he started to walk faster. The music room would be empty for the rest of the day; he needed to....he wasn't sure what he needed. Break _something_. Break _somebody_. Shout. They arrived to the room and he opened the door, letting John get in first.

 

A glance told him that John was feeling like him. He had gone to the far side of the room and sat on a table, not looking at Jim.

 

He closed the door, knowing that Sebastian would have followed him to make sure he was okay, like he always did. He wouldn't go inside, and nobody would bother them. As soon as the door was closed, he dropped his mask. It felt wrong with John, there was no need for it. He started pacing across the room to calm himself. What if Greg told everybody? How much did he know? He wouldn't be able to cope with everybody knowing. He had to do something.

 

 

He had told John he wouldn't do anything against Greg unless he had no other choice. He could hurt him, that would be easy, but it wouldn't stop him from talking. He hadn't been able to find anything against him in years. And...he wouldn't hurt Molly just to get to him,  not after the way she had helped him. Even if he were willing to do that, it clearly wouldn't work; Greg was too angry. He could...turn people against him. It wouldn't be so hard, but....it would take time, and he didn't have time. He was running out of options.

 

Finally, he stopped in front of John. Asking for help was even more difficult for him than saying thank you. But...John was different, had proved to be different. "Can you...talk to him?", he asked. Greg was John's friend, after all. And maybe he could find out how much he knew about him.

 

"Course. I will, today."  
 

He run his hands through his hair, nervously. "I...If people knew...." he started pacing again. He would never be safe, it would never be over.

 

  
"They won't know, Jim. None will ever find out. " John promised, brows furrowing.

 

  
Jim stopped. That sounded...like one of his deals. Was this what people felt, when they asked him for help? He looked at John. He was controlled, he had been hiding his emotions the whole day. Was John turning into...him? The idea repelled him. He didn't want that. He wanted...no, needed...John's help, but...John being like this felt _wrong_.

 

He remembered Greg's words, wondering which had hurt John, causing this. Oh. "You don't need protecting. Not from others, nor from yourself. In all the years you've known me, did I ever offer you protection as a part of a deal? You just need a chance"

 

John’s shoulders slumped. "A chance to what, though? I mean, come on Jim. I'm not exactly a safe person to be around and I did need protection when I was at home. I'm not a stable person." he muttered, his voice shaking and betraying his composed features.

 

"Who is?", he replied, sitting besides him. He stayed silent for a while, and didn't look at John. Even this way, it was difficult to talk about these things. "A chance to live without fear", he said after a while. He still remembered that conversation, in the centre. The therapist had asked him how many times a day he thought about pain and death, and he had replied that the usual amount, in an attempt to avoid the conversation. Her answer had been that the usual amount was zero.

 

John kept his gaze trained on the wall in front of him. "Do you live without fear?"

 

"No. But there are moments...." Like last night in the kitchen. He couldn't help a smile at the memory. "Sometimes, I can forget about it"

 

John looked at him and smiled weakly. "I'm glad."

  
"Can you...find out how much Greg knows? Just to be prepared in case..."

John nodded. "I'll do it after school. No need to make another scene," he sighed. "And I'm sorry I couldn't stop him. I didn't think he would be so... angry."

"I could...try persuading him. But i'm not sure if it would work, or only make things worse. There's not much I can use against him. And...I know you don't want that." He took a deep breath. He could survive people knowing. Maybe. Depending on how much they knew, he could try...altering the story. Probably.

"What is there that could be used against him?"

He closed his eyes. For two reasons: it helped him to think, and he wasn't sure he wanted to see John's reaction at his words. "Not physical threats, that doesn't work with him. His family status..." His parents were divorcing, that was evident. "....that wouldn't work, either. It hurts him but he doesn't mind people knowing. To get to him...the best way would be to threaten somebody he cares about" Not Molly. Greg hadn't even noticed her today. His sister? No, he couldn’t do that to Lestrade. Who else did Greg care about? Obvious. "In this case, you. Maybe...something like....if he tells about me I'd tell people about you. I wouldn't do it, but he doesn't know that. It's the only thing that had a possibility of working, if you can't convince him. There's also an emergency plan. Not against him, but...damage control. Depending on how much does he know, I could...create different rumours about me, so whatever he says would be only one more"

 

John rubbed his face roughly. "You know.. If he did tell people about you.. I'd be willing to let you tell people about me. I'd understand. There is no reason to have to deal with it alone. But, I'll talk to Greg. He's already arranged something."

 

That made him open his eyes and stare at John. Had he really offered to do that? "That won't be necessary. It would achieve nothing. The point is to threaten to do it if he talks, so he doesn't do it. Once he had done it....there's not much I can do. But...thank you for...offering." Well, it would show he couldn't control Greg at all, to say he would do something if he talked, and then not doing it. But...there was nothing worse Greg could do to him. 

 

"Jim, if you made that deal with Greg and he still blabbed... I'd rather the school know than you face that alone and him not face the repercussions." he sighed, rubbing the back of his head as he looked at Jim. "But I like to think Greg isn't a total heartless prat."

 

"He is your friend", he answered. "He wants to protect you. And I doubt he would believe anything you tell him; he'd think I'm forcing you to say it. But...it's worth a try. If it doesn't work...we'll decide what to do "

 

"He knows I'm better than that. Especially with him. If he doesn't believe me.. I don't know what I'll do. He's the only one who stayed close by since I was a kid," he still held Jim's gaze. "If it comes down to it and nothing works.. I'll need to step in.. Forcefully."

 

"But he is your friend", he said, worried. There was something...off in John’s voice when he talked about Greg.

 

"Friends don't jump to conclusions or insult them." John shrugged. "He doesn't even try to understand."

 

"Just talk to him. If it doesn't work, we'll figure something out", he offered.

 

  
He sighed and nodded. "Yeah.. Fingers crossed."

 

 

 

John didn't want to do it. That was clear. And he didn't have to. And yet he was doing it, for Jim. He wasn't sure how to react to that."So....are you going to meet him after school?"  
 

"I-yeah. He texted me." He showed Jim the text, biting his lip.

 

“We need to talk. Meet me after school behind the bike shed. Leave Jim behind. –Greg”

  
 

It didn't sound like a text between friends. Not a request, an order. And... _leave Jim behind_. He didn't like it. It sounded almost like a threat. "Will you be okay with him?"  
 

"Yeah. What's the worst he could do?"

 

Beat him. Hurt him with words. There were several possibilities. "I'll be close. With Sebastian. Call me if you need me. And...call me when it's over, no matter what the result is" He hesitated for a second. "Still have my present? It's useful when things get messy", he added, worried.

 

John nodded slowly.

 

"A last resource. A help to escape. Just that". Had he made things worse? Hesitant, he placed a hand on John's shoulder. "But he is your friend, has been for years. Maybe I'm thinking  too much, I tend to do that"

 

"It's fine, mate. You saw how he was earlier. Didn't even pay Molly a glance like he usually does. Maybe worrying is the best thing to do."

 

"Is the safest thing to do. Helps you to prepare", he replied, removing his hand. "I have a class with him today. The last one"

 

"When that class is over, text me how he's acting. I'll be better prepared then."

 

"Of course", he replied. "And remember, If things get...messy...run, or call me. I'll be close. Just around the corner, and with Sebastian". Wait. He was _worried_. Really worried. He looked at John, confused. “We should go, it’s almost time”, he said, trying to ignore the emotions. He needed his mind clear.

He knew Sebastian would be waiting outside. He usually was, and, after the way Greg had behaved..."I'll see you after your talk with Greg", he said, walking towards the door. As he had expected, Sebastian was there. He walked away without waiting for John or looking back, and Sebastian followed him.


	37. Chapter 37

He had an interesting conversation with Sebastian. He had noticed he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and was worried about Greg. It was curious. They haven't been like this, before. It was nice

 

The first class was boring, as always. but after it the teacher asked him to wait. She was worried about him, because he looked distracted. Oh, of course. She had been there yesterday, with John's mother. Adjusting his voice and body language, he replied that he was worried about John, and, after talking some more, she let him go.

He headed to his last class, the one he shared with Greg. He had told John he'd observe Greg. He hadn't arrived yet, so he sat and waited.

 

Finally Greg arrived, just before the teacher. He was clearly angry, and kept looking at Jim with hate. The feeling wasn't new, but the intensity was. He thought about telling him something, maybe threatening him, but he had told John that he could try to talk to him first, so he ignored him, leaving the class before everybody else.

 

"He is still angry. More than before-Jim"

 

Not much more he could tell John that he didn't already knew. Possibly Greg's parent's divorce had become messy, making him more angry than usual. 

 

 

"I don't think it's only about me. His parents? Be careful-Jim"

 

 "Oh God. Thanks for the heads up. -John"

 

 

He met Sebastian and they walked to the place he had told John he would be, just around the corner where he would meet Greg. Far enough to be hidden, and close enough to help if needed.

 

They heard voices They were too far away to understand what they were saying, but it was clear that it wasn't a friendly chat. Suddenly the voices raised (No, not both, only Greg’s), and he heard a punch.

 

"He's gone. I'm going for a walk, but I'll call you when I'm ready to talk. -John."

 

"Don't take too long, Sherlock will worry-Jim".

  
  
He put his phone back in his pocked, barely controlling himself. He looked at Sebastian, projecting calm and security. "Come with me, but don't interfere unless he acts violently". Sebastian looked at him worried, but nodded and followed Jim as he walked to intercept Greg. He didn't care how much did he know; he had hurt John, and was going to _pay_.   
  
Greg was walking fast without looking around, and didn't see them until they were very close. When he realised who he was, he looked even more angry. Without saying anything he tried to punch Jim; Jim trusted Sebastian with that, and remained very still as Seb grabbed Greg's fist before it was close to Jim. Then he grabbed his other hand so he was unable to move. "You....this is all your fault. I will ruin you! The crazy boy, the professor's victim. You are _pathetic_ ".   
  
The words hurt, but he didn't allow that to show in his face. He had hurt his friend.

 

"Sebastian, he is _talking_. That bothers me", he said coldly.

 

Somehow Sebastian managed to put a hand over his mouth while he held him. Jim walked closer, smiling.

 

"Better. Now you are going to listen. You are not going to do _anything_. Who would believe you? And what if they do? Oh, I'm _crazy_. Great. That would only make people fear me more. _Psychopath_. I do like that word. And...leave John alone. He is under my protection, and you knew that".

 

He walked even closer, and the smile disappeared from his face. "You will do as I say, because if you don't, your father would find...let's say...drugs...in your room. Or...maybe drugs and money. Yes, that would be better. What would your father say if he thought you were a drug dealer? It would be so easy....No need for him to find it personally, even. A teacher would do. Or...I don't know, I could have a better idea. Something to make him hate you, to make him not wanting to see you again."

 

Where had that idea came from? He walked away slowly, and stopped after five steps, turning around. "Oh, Seb. He hurt John. That requires _retribution_. Have fun. Nothing permanent, remember", he finished with a smile as he walked away, not looking back.

 

 

 

 

Jim went to the entrance. The car was there, but there was no sign of John. He waited, trying not to think about Greg's words. The professor's victim. Pathetic. No. That was the past, it was gone. He glanced at his watch: twenty more minutes and Sherlock would start to worry. He kept waiting, but John didn't come back. Sebastian came, after a while. Jim remembered that Sebastian had heard Greg's words. But he didn't seem to care about them.

  
"I'm not an idiot, Jim. I already knew. Or, at least, suspected it", Seb said after a while.

  
Jim looked at him, surprised, and didn't say anything.

  
"It doesn't matter. You helped me, helped my family when I thought there was no way out. That's the only thing that matters"

  
Jim relaxed a bit at those words, and they talked for ten more minutes, until Sebastian had to go. Jim decided to text John again, he was starting to worry, and it was more or less the time John should be arriving to Sherlock's home.

  
"Where are you? It's getting late-Jim"

 

"On my way-John"

 

Jim stared at John when he arrived. There was something different about him. He had expected the injury, he had expected him to be affected. He hadn't expected him to look...that controlled. It was the same expression Jim had practised in the mirror after a bad nightmare. It didn't belong on John's face.

  
Jim had to go home, check on his mother, change clothes, have some work done. But he couldn't leave John alone now. He studied his face carefully. "Hospital?", he asked. it looked bad. Sherlock was going to kill him.

 

 

  
He nodded. "Probably for the best," he said quietly, wincing as his jaw stung. Maybe not fractured.  
 

 

"Text Sherlock. You should be home by now"

 

"Sure" John mumbled as he took out his phone to send Sherlock a text.

 

John walked to the car, opened the door and looked at him. The question was clear in John's eyes. He really should go home. But..."Let's go", he said, getting inside the car.  
   
On their way to the hospital he called home, to check on his mother. The nurse answered, and informed him that she was sleeping, and there were no changes in her state. Good. He saw John texting again, probably to Sherlock.   
 

Jim was silent for a while. He was worried, and Greg's words kept sounding in his mind. The professor's victim. The case had been famous, everybody knew about it. But, as he had been a child, his identity had never been made public. _Pathetic_. Was he? No. Surely not.

 

John’s voice brought him back to reality. "Did you run into Greg?"

 

"Yes. He...as I suspected, he knows...a lot". Weak. Pathetic. Victim.

 

"Whatever he said to you was meant to sting. You know it's not true."

 

"Yes, I know that. But it's not false, either. And..." He looked at John, and remembered his expression from before. "There's no need to explain, isn't it? You understand.Take the truth, twist it and use it to hurt. It's been done to you, too. _I_ did it to you, and...probably Greg, too"

 

"Quite true. You, Greg, my parents. I understand it better than most. You don't need to explain. Just know... it's not entirely true, unless you make it so."

 

"I don't think he'll tell anybody. And he won't bother you again". John had been under his protection, and everybody knew that. Even if he didn't care about John, he had had to do something.

 

"You sure about that?"

 

"As sure as I can be. And...just in case...i'll make sure nobody pays attention to what he says. If there were suddenly several fake stories about my past being whispered around the school, his would only be one more. And...about not bothering you...I left that part to Sebastian. I'm sure Greg _understood_ "

 

John rose his eyebrow at that and looked a Jim for a moment. "That's fair enough. Thank you."

 

"As you said, I have a reputation. I said nobody was to touch you, and he did", he replied. Not false, nor the truth.

 

"I don't think I'd feel any remorse if Greg fell off a bridge. After I pushed him, of course."

 

Jim studied him again, wondering...."Do you want to hurt him?"

 

"No, not really. I wouldn't be adverse to it, but it wouldn't solve anything."

 

"What about something...that hurt him, but not physically?" He shouldn't be telling John to do this.

 

"Like what?"

 

"Tell his father that he hurt you", he replied simply. That would cause Greg problems with his father and strengthen Jim's threat from before.

 

John frowned slightly. "Maybe."

 

"I'll take that as a no. It's your choice. We'll talk about it later, if you want. I don't know if what I told him will stop him, and you know him better"

 

"What did you even tell him, do you mind me asking?"

 

Jim opened his mouth, and hesitated. He glanced at the driver and the bodyguard, and closed his mouth again. they didn't seem to be listening, but..."Later", he replied in a whisper. And..."I'm not a good person, John", he added as the car stopped

 

Once more he found himself walking with John to a hospital. He wondered when would he get the test results. Jim walked silently behind him, until they were at the door. "Do you want me to wait here?", he asked. He didn't like hospitals.

 

"It's fine. You don't have to stay with me if you don't want to. I know hospitals are a bit... dodgy. You can head home, if you'd like."

"No, it's...Fine. I'll wait for you here, alright? And...text me if you need me"

 

Jim waited outside, thinking about the problem with Greg. He had to prepare the rumours, just in case. And... _pathetic_. No. That was over. He tried to focus on something else. John. Jim had failed to protect him, had broken the deal with Sherlock. Would he be angry?

 

   
John wandered out of the hospital half an hour later, a prescription in hand and a small frown on his face.  
  
   
"Everything okay, then?", he asked, as they walked back to the car. He was becoming more and more anxious about Sherlock's reaction. He had broken their deal.

 

 

John nodded as they walked towards the car. "M'fine. Nothing broken. They gave me painkillers" he mumbled.

 

 

He had never broken a deal before. And...it was important for him, and for Sherlock. He had failed. Pathetic. "I should go home", he said after a while. What if Sherlock's was angry, or worse, he didn't want to make any other deal with him?  
 

 

John looked at Jim thoughtfully. "Alright." He told the driver to pull over a block away from Jim's, and they walked together out of the car

He walked silently until he was sure they wouldn't be overheard. Then, without looking at John, he explained what had happened with Greg, without hiding anything.

 

John listened with a deep frown and nodded when necessary. "You did the right thing, with that deal." he said softly. "I can't believe he actually tried to hit you though."

 

 

"That's an...unusual reaction", he muttered, looking at him again. He had been worried that John would reject him when he knew. "So...do you think it will work?" He didn't mind about being hit, he had had worse than anything Greg could do to him. His words, though....

 

"Yeah, it will work. Considering his dad is a cop too.. It'll work." he confirmed. "And.. The stuff he said to you.. It's not true. You are not a victim. Nor are you pathetic."

 

"It's not false, either", he replied softly. "So...no need for a plan b? Are you sure he won't tell?"

 

"Still not true." he sighed. "I'd say try and think of a plan b just in case."

He'd start the rumours, then. He nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow, then. And...", he hesitated again. "...can you text me later, and tell me if Sherlock is...angry?"

 

"Course. Though I really doubt he will be angry."

"I broke my deal with him", he replied, feeling lost.

 

"He'll just be concerned. Not angry. The boy doesn't know what anger feels like." he sighed.

 

John was probably right, but even if Sherlock wasn't angry, he wouldn't trust Jim to make that deal again; he wasn't sure if he could be close to Sherlock without the deals. "Tell him...", he started, before realising that he had no idea of what to say to Sherlock.

"Yes?"

 

What? That he would do better next time? That he was sorry? That he had tried? "Nothing", he said after a while.

 

"Right. I guess I'll see you, then?" he asked. "Tomorrow."

He nodded, and started to walk away. He had failed. And....He had failed _Sherlock_. And now he was hiding, running away. He didn't need to go home, his mother wouldn't miss him. But the idea of facing Sherlock now.... _coward_.

"Wait," John  called and hurried after him, gently grabbing his arm. He pulled Jim into a attentive hug. "Thank you"

 

This was...unexpected. Jim had no idea of how to react to it. Being touched was...not frequent for him. But after the initial shock he relaxed. It was...nice. "I should have done more"

 

"You did what you could and I wasn't about to let you into his line of fire." he assured, stepping back after a moment longer.  
  
He smiled at John's words. "Tell him that", he said. Maybe Sherlock would understand.

John smiled warmly. "I will," he patted Jim's arm, the one without the bruise. "I'd better go before he get's even more frantic." he sighed.

 

He smiled back, feeling better. "Yes, you should go. See you tomorrow"

 

Jim kept watching until John entered the car, and then opened the door and entered his house.


	38. Chapter 38

His mother was feeling better today. The nurse helped her to sit on a chair as he prepared dinner, and they ate together. If he ignored the way she lost track of his words sometimes, or couldn’t find the right words. Or the nurse sitting in a corner. Or the way she seemed to have problems to recognise him when he wasn't speaking...it was almost normal.

 

He couldn't keep Sherlock out of his mind. He had broken his deal. But he tried to focus on the good things. He didn't know when they would end up breaking up.

 

“I’m- I'm dating somebody, mum”

 

His mother smiled. “Oh, Jimmy, that’s wonderful! Tell me about her”

 

“It’s  _him_ , actually”, Jim said a bit nervous. But his mother’s expression didn't change. “His name is Sherlock, and he’s...amazing. We are working together in a project at school”

 

He told his mother about Sherlock. About the way he smiled, and the way he seemed to know what he was going to say before saying it. About how amazing working with him was. About the way he felt when Sherlock looked at him. His mother kept smiling all the time, and, when he closed his mouth, she kissed his cheek.

 

After dinner, he worked for a while. Not because he needed the money right now; he had plenty of money. But the evaluation was close, and he had to prove that he earned money in a regular basis. And it kept him from thinking about everything else.

 

Later, in bed, he got a text from John.

 

"Doctor is coming to check on Sherlock tomorrow, so I won't be at school. Will you be over after? -John"

 

He tried to read between the lines, to know how Sherlock had reacted when he had seen John’s bruised face. Not angry, but...he didn't have enough information. And... _John wouldn't be at school tomorrow_. With the rumours he had to spread, and the situation with Greg, it was going to be a long day.

 

"Yes-Jim", he texted back. He supposed he should say something else, but he didn't know what.

"Doing okay?-John"

 

Jim read the text, confused. He had no idea of how to reply to that. After five minutes he opted for "Preparing everything for tomorrow, in case he talks. I'll be fine-Jim". He read it three times, and sent it.

"Of course. Do what has to be done. Tell me what Greg looks like tomorrow.-John"

 

 

He sighed, and went to bed. He didn’t want to sleep, but he knew he had to be rested for tomorrow.

 

_“I knew I couldn’t trust you! You...you are dangerous. You should be where you belong”. Sherlock’s eyes were cold, and his body language matched his words. He didn’t want him there. Jim couldn’t help, couldn’t even keep a promise. Where he belonged. Where was that? He turned around, and saw the door of the basement. His father was inside, he knew it. He belonged there. “Sherlock, please”, he whispered. He knew what was there in the basement, and he didn’t know if he could stand it any more. But Sherlock kept looking at him with those cold eyes. “You broke your promise”. It was true. Actions had consequences. He turned around, and entered the basement. After that, there was pain._

Jim woke up and tried to dismiss the images of his dream the way Sherlock had looked to him. He couldn’t. And it terrified him, because...he needed Sherlock. Needing somebody meant that you could get hurt by losing that person.

 

He tried to focus in the present. School. He had to spread rumours about himself. Some of them crazy, some believable. Some...in the middle. He had to do it before Greg talked to anybody. It was going to be a hard day.

 

 

Molly was waiting for him at the entrance She looked nervous.

 

“Jim? I...want to ask you something”

 

Jim looked at her, intrigued. “Go on. What is it?”

 

“Would you be okay if I...”

 

Jim smiled, knowing what this was about. “Seb is a good person.”

 

Molly blushed. “He is. So...are you okay with it? I mean...he hadn’t asked, but...I know he likes me, and....I...like him”

 

Jim smiled. “That’s great”, he replied.Surprisingly , he was being honest. He didn’t mind. And it would make them happy.

 

Molly kissed his cheek, and went to her class.

 

 

Jim talked to a lot of people that morning, telling them what to say. That he was the heir of a fortune. That he was a protected witness. That he was a member of a criminal organization. Everything he could imagine, which was a lot.

 

At lunch time, everybody was talking about him. Good. Now everything Greg could say would be dismissed.

 

 

 

“Jim? Can we talk?”

 

Seb. Of course. Jim smiled, and turned to him. “Yes, Seb, you can ask Molly out”, he said to Seb’s surprised face.

 

“How did you...oh, never mind. You always know”, Seb answered, smiling. “Are you...alright?”

 

“Why?”

 

“You are pale”

 

“I’m tired”, he replied.

 

They ate in silence. When Molly came and sat with them, Seb and her started to glance at each other nervously, and Jim smiled. He wasn’t surprised when they finished their food as fast as they could, and left together.

 

He was eating, and observing the people around him, when he heard a voice behind him.

 

“What are you doing with John?”

 

Jim looked back. Greg. He kept his face controlled, and smiled. “That’s between us”

 

Greg looked at him, amused. “Good luck with that. Johnny's a tad damaged if you didn't notice. There’s not much for you to break”

 

Jim blinked, and smiled sweetly. “I thought he was your friend”

 

“He is  _my friend_ ”, Greg replied. “He needs me. He won’t last long without me”

 

Jim forced a smile. “Really? Do you want to bet?”

 

Greg glared at him and clenched his fists. “He  _needs_  me. What do you know about friendship? You’ll only break him, like you do with everybody else.”

 

Jim wanted to say something, but it was hard enough to keep his face calm.

 

Greg moved a step closer, and smiling, he continued. “You break everyone so they're just as broken as you.. But I don’t care. Have fun with Johnny. Once you’re done with him, he’ll come back to me, like he always does”

 

 

That had been strange. Greg was supposed to be John’s friend. Jim studied him as he walked out of the room, wondering if there was something else there.

 

 

Jim walked to his next class alone. People looked at him, whispering, and he overheard part of some conversations. It wasn't only what he had said, but he had expected that. Rumors always grew. At least Greg had kept his mouth shut, because he hadn't heard anything close to the truth.

 

After the last class, Jim left the school feeling drained. It had been a difficult day. And he was...scared of Sherlock's reaction. He had broken a deal, and one that was important to him. He walked to Sherlock's house, trying to hide his fear in the deepest part of his mind.

 

He stood at the door for five minutes, eyes closed. He tried to forget everything that had happened today. Tomorrow would be worse. No. He needed all his focus to this. There has to be a way to fix it, to make Sherlock trust him again. And...John had said that he wasn't angry. Finally he rang, his face and body language carefully controlled. He could do this, no matter what Greg had said.

 


	39. Chapter 39

When John opened the door. Jim examined John's bruised face, the evidence that he had broken his word. Acts had consequences. He wanted to ask John what to expect, but something in his body language told him not to. Well, as John had said, when had running solved anything? He smiled, and, to his own surprise, didn't have to fake it.

 

"John"

 

John smiled weakly, but it was still genuine. "How're you?" he asked, taking a step back to let Jim in.

 

He entered, pondering what to answer. "As good as you can expect, given what I made happen at school today. And I had a  _delightful_  chat with your friend Greg. He is as charming as ever" Honesty, as much as he could manage. "What about you?"

 

John bit his lip. "Spread the rumors?" He asked, eyebrows raised, but then his eyes widened. "What happened with Greg?" he asked, ignoring the question.

"The rumors, yes. You'll see yourself tomorrow. And...Greg wasn't happy about it." That had been the good part. "We...talked"

John nodded slowly. "Was he hostile?" he asked carefully.

 

"I suppose you could call it that. He seems to think you would...die, or something, without him. I...disagreed", he replied. ****  
  
"Sounds like something he would say." John replied, sighting. He glanced in the direction of the kitchen. "Sherlock is going to ask you something in return, for yesterday. Just... be prepared."  
   
 He paled. Something in return, to pay for what he had done. That was...familiar. "S-something?"  
  
"Whatever your last deal was, he wants that in reverse. I don't know what you asked of him, before."

   
He had asked him to show him his scars. So he would have to..."I.....I can't do that". He closed his eyes, thinking. There had to be a way out of this.  
   
"He might let it go if you tell him you can't," John offered. "Or I can talk to him."  
   
Maybe he should do it. Sherlock already knew, at least part of it. He had seen his arm. And...Jim had broken his promise. He should pay for it. "No. I...i'll do it", he replied, trying to hide his  fear.  
  
 "Come on then."

 

Jim followed John silently. He was clearly walking slowly, to give Jim time. But no amount of time could make this easier for him.

  
"Thanks for the warning", he muttered when they reached the kitchen’s door, taking a deep breath. He could do this. And...letting Sherlock see didn't mean that  _he_  had to look.  
 

"No problem," John replied gently, walking into the kitchen. "I'm going to head out for a cigarette. Won't be longer than ten minutes," John told  them both, making his way towards the back door.  
   
Sherlock nodded absently, his attention focused on Jim. He didn't speak until the door was closed.

 

"He was hurt", he said, coldly.  
   
Jim didn't say anything. What was there to say? Sherlock’s eyes were cold and distant, and images and emotions from his dream came to his mind. _No. Not real_.   
   
"We had a deal. You promised. I-I paid for it"  
   
Jim closed his eyes for a moment to regain control. "I know", he said, trying to keep his voice steady.  
   
"I paid, and you didn't protect him. I....I want it back. What I gave you, you have to give it to me"  
   
If John hadn't warned him, he would have panicked. Now he was able to remain in control. "If I do this, all is forgotten", he said, keeping his eyes cold.  
   
"This is how it works, you set the rules yourself"  
   
Jim nodded, and looking Sherlock in the eyes, he started to unbutton his shirt, and took it off.  
   
He knew how he looked. One of the therapists had made him look his body in the mirror. His whole body, apart from his face and hands, was covered in scars. From blades, from fire, from...everything his father had wanted to try. Some of them were deeper than others, and there were several sequences when he had wanted to study Jim’s reactions to pain, grading it.

 

Sherlock’s expression changed. He looked as if he was going to be sick. Unable to see Sherlock’s disgusted reaction, he closed his eyes.

 

This was painfully familiar. His father was always measuring and studying the marks.  When Jim had behaved properly, he was allowed to keep his eyes shut during the exams. Some times, he made Jim watch. Others, he had forced Jim to do it himself. _Where he belonged_. He remembered clearly Sherlock’s cold voice, sending him to his father again. He didn’t want to see, so he kept his eyes closed, and tried not to move. It would take longer if he moved. He would be punished. He didn’t want to see. Not today.

 

Even without opening his eyes, he could feel somebody studying him. He remained very still. Or tried to, because his body betrayed him, and started to tremble. That meant trouble. And the more he tried to control it, the worse it got. “I’m sorry”, he muttered, trying harder. It wasn’t working, so he apologised again, and again, as he kept trying.

 

Somebody was talking, but it was far away, like in a dream. He should recognise the voice, maybe, but that wasn’t important right now. He had to control his body before his father punished him.

  
"T-That's enough, you can get dressed" Hesitant, unsure.   
   
"Jim? I said it was enough" Still hesitant. The figure in front of him came closer, and he tensed.

 

Jim felt something touching his skin, and flinched, expecting pain. Something covered his shoulders. _Clothes?_ That made no sense, which was even more terrifying. New things were always worse

 

 

 "Jim?" Same voice, scared. It was wrong, he didn’t want that person scared, but he had to remain still, he knew that.

 

A door, opening and closing. Somebody else coming. Who? There had never been anybody else there, after what had happened when he had made his mother watch.

 

 

"This doesn't get mentioned again. Act like it didn't happen." Another voice, firm and confident. He trusted that voice.

 

  
He knew pain was coming. It was what always came after the exam.  _He_  wanted to see, to document the effects before starting. So the pain was expected, but the intensity surprised him. Somebody had slapped his cheek It barely hurt. Surprised, he opened his eyes to see... _John_.

 

 

He froze. What had he been thinking? The past was gone. It was over. He felt the sudden need to hide, to go away. He should say something, do something. But he couldn't think.  
  
   
John silently put Jim's shirt back on him and buttoned it up. "You need tea." he said calmly, moving to flick on the kettle. "Sit."  
   
Jim did what John had told him to do, and sat. It was easy to follow orders, it was familiar. And... _when has running solved anything_? He glanced at Sherlock nervously, but he was avoiding to look at Jim, so he looked back at John.

 

John made the tea calmly and silently. And brought it  to the table for the three of them.  
 "Drink it," he instructed.

  
He took the mug in front of him, and drank the tea. This was easy and familiar, too. No need to think, only to react. Slowly, he calmed down, and started to feel embarrassed.  
   
Nobody talked. Jim didn't know how to react. He couldn't even look up. Weak. _Pathetic._

He finished his tea and put it down on the table quietly. Then he took the mug on his hands again, needing something to do with his hands. The urge to run away was getting more and more difficult to control.

 

 

    
 "So Jim, any new notes in class?" John asked casually. It was faked, of course. He could notice the tension under the casual tone. But the question brought him back to the present again. Class. He tried to remember what they had done today, but he hadn't paid much attention, too focused on the rumors. "T...the History test. W...we got the results today"  
   
   
"How did you do?"   
   
  
He smiled. "The teacher read out loud the results of everybody. I was the first of the class. You were second", he replied, looking at John.  
   
   
 His eyes widened and a small smile appeared on his lips. "Fantastic! Thanks to you, of course."  
   
   
"And thanks to you. I hadn't planned to study that lesson again, only did it because you asked me to", he replied, more relaxed.  
   
   
John shrugged. "I needed to study. Guess it helped us both."

  
"Yes", he replied, feeling more in control. What had happened to him? He hadn't lost control like that in years. And then he thought that John had covered him. That meant that John had seen him, too. It should bother him. Strangely, it didn’t. John...understood. But maybe it hadn't been enough, maybe he had lost control before Sherlock had seen what he wanted. He wasn't sure how long had he been able to stand it. And...Sherlock hadn't said anything to him after. He looked at Sherlock, worried. "Was it enough?" He didn't know if he could do it again right now.  
   
Sherlock stared at him, shocked. "Enough? God, Jim, I...I didn't know...I...shouldn't have...."

 

And suddenly Jim understood. Sherlock wasn't in control of this, never had been. He had no idea of what he was doing. Jim was in control. Because even if it was Sherlock asking him to pay for breaking his word, he didn't know what he wanted, not really.

 

"First rule, Sherlock. Don't ask more than you could handle", he said calmly, standing up. He could do this if he was in control. And...closing his eyes had been a bad idea, he needed to be anchored to the present. He stood in front of Sherlock. This position, him standing and Sherlock sitting, reinforced the sensation of control.  
  
Sherlock looked at him, and nodded.

  
Jim glanced at John, but didn't say anything. He didn't mind him being here; in fact he felt...safer. Weird. "I promised to keep John safe, that no harm would come to him, and I broke that promise. What I gave you...was it enough to pay for that? To make you trust me again?"  
  
Sherlock didn’t reply for a minute, clearly thinking about it. "No", he said, simply.

 

Jim tried to stay calm, but it was difficult

 

 

John actually gasped and stared at Sherlock. "Are you taking the mick?" he demanded. "What more could you _possibly_ want from him?"  
 

Sherlock looked at John, surprised. "He promised", he replied, confused.   
  
Jim tried to forget his emotions and think rationally. Not enough. But...Sherlock didn't want him hurt. And he was fairly sure that he didn't want to repeat the experience of seeing his scars right now.  So...what could he offer?

 

John closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine. Right. I haven't stepped in before and I won't now." he rose to his feet. "I'll be outside." he muttered, leaving quickly.

 

Jim watched John leaving. A part of him wanted to stop him, to ask for help, to ask him to stay. but he didn't dare. He still felt slightly out of control.   
  
"What do you want, Sherlock?"  
  
Sherlock stared at him. "I don't know"  
  
Jim relaxed, feeling the control coming back. He moved a step closer to Sherlock.   
  
"I gave you enough. He is fine. He needed to face Greg", Jim said, confidently, looking him in the eyes  
  
Sherlock’s expression changed slightly, and part of the tension left it.

  
"Trust me", Jim said, calmly  
  
Sherlock nodded almost automatically, and everything felt right again. He was in control, and Sherlock trusted him. Without thinking, he kissed him, and Sherlock relaxed totally.   
  
Kissing Sherlock was worth it. The memories, what he had had to do at school today. Letting him see his scars. It made him feel so alive that it almost hurt. Finally, he broke the contact, and, in the same confident tone, he said. "Go to John, and apologize". It was the right thing to do, and he needed a moment alone.  
  
Sherlock nodded again, smiling, and walked outside to meet John.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while....I wasn't in the mood to write. Thanks for reading.

Jim paced across the room for a while. Finally, he sat on the floor, in a corner, and wrapped his arms around his knees. He closed his eyes, and breathed slowly and deeply.

 

He was lost in his thoughts, trying to make sense of what had happened. He had never let anybody see him willingly. What if he never could? What if he always felt like that, like when his father observed him? It made him feeling exposed and vulnerable, and he hated feeling that way. And...he had seen Sherlock's reaction at his body. Surely he wouldn't want him anymore. How could he expect to have intimacy with Sherlock?  
  
After a while, Jim regained control. He was good at that. He buried all his fears and memories in the deepest part of his mind. Rationally the outcome had been good. Sherlock trusted him, which was more important than wanting his body. He wanted him, his mind. Smiling, he remembered how Sherlock had accepted that he was in control, how he had feel better as soon as Jim had taken control. He could live with that.

 

He decided to go with him. He should be outside, with John. He walked slowly to the door. Sherlock wasn't there. John was. And he looked...broken.   
  
"You are being as idiot as I was before. Should I slap you too?", he said, softly.  Maybe it wasn't the best thing to say, but it was the closest to a thank you he could manage right now (it had worked, after all).

 

John jumped at Jim's voice, and wiped his face roughly. "I doubt it would have the desired effect."

 

"I could try", he offered with a smile. He thought of the months he had spent breaking John. He had made this, in a way. "Unless you have a better idea" 

 

John shrugged. "I don't. Just.. Been too lost in my head, I guess." He shrugged, looking back to the sky again.

 

"Can I ask you something?", he asked, without looking at him

 

"Of course," John replied instantly.

 

There were two things he wanted to ask. The first was...personal. He wanted to know how could John cope with Sherlock looking at his body. Jim's body had clearly repelled Sherlock. But he didn't want to think about that. He hesitated, wanting to ask but not daring. Finally he decided to ask the other thing. There was something strange about the relationship John had with Greg. "How long had Greg been treating you like that?"

 

John faltered at that. "I don't know.. Not long. A couple of years, maybe. After I told Greg everything, about my family and whatnot.. He changed. Completely. I didn't really notice it for the longest time. I just.. let it happen."

 

"Two years", he repeated. And then he realised something. He had heard that conversation. That's how he had found out what was going on with John's parents. He had known something was wrong with John, he had known it for years, but he hadn't been sure until that moment. "So he became...protective. And you let it happen", he muttered. Of course Greg had became protective after Jim had started to  _play_  with John.

 

John nodded. "He was my friends. My  _only_  friend. I had no reason to question it."

 

"Two years ago I spent months trying to break you. Of course your friend became protective", he said, almost in a whisper.

 

"He didn't become protective." John whispered, his eyes closed, his voice shaking. "He... He started doing that stuff to me too. I... I thought everybody was like that for the longest time. And I never questioned it because it's what I grew up with."

 

"I remember...when I first went to school, after the...centre...I didn't understand why other people were not constantly in pain. Why they wanted to go back home", he replied, also in a whisper. "When we first talked, after...after Sherlock kissed me...I didn't understand why you didn't use it against me. It was you who told me that not everybody was like that. I can't help but to think that everybody has hidden intentions. And...most times I'm right"

 

"Do you still think I have hidden intentions?"

 

He thought about it. About how John's presence had made him feel safer. "No", he replied, looking at John. "I think that you honestly care"

 

He glanced at Jim, eyebrows raised. "That's because I do."

 

"Sherlock...made me show him my scars", he started, unsure. "It's what I asked from him, and, as you told me, he...he said he wanted it back"

 

"You want to know how I do it, don't you?" John asked timidly.

 

"Y...yes. I tried. I really did. But...well, you saw what happened", he said, unsure.

 

John nodded slowly. "Well.. I just don't show him. In total, he's seen me without my shirt... twice. But only because I wanted him to be happy.. I never wanted to and I felt... disgusting afterwards. I hate them being seen."

 

"It's hard for him too", he said softly. "And...he already knew, he had seen my arm. Showing him wasn't as difficult as I expected. but...he found me disgusting." That was what had triggered it. The helplessness, the vulnerability, having his eyes closed, and...Sherlock's repulsion. "It's how everybody react. The policemen, the doctors...Even my father". He never learned fast enough, never was strong enough. He took too long to heal.

 

"He.. Oh Jim.." John muttered, shaking his head. "He probably doesn't really thing you're disgusting.. He was just.. Surprised."

 

"Surprised? Hardly. He knew what my father did. He had seen my arm. He asked to see. How could he had been surprised?" He closed his eyes for a second, composing himself. It didn't matter. Sherlock liked his mind. Sherlock trusted him. "It's alright. Where is he?", he asked after a minute

 

"He went back inside. Did you not see him?" John asked, frowning.

 

"I was...distracted", he replied. "I didn't hear him coming back".

 

"He wouldn't have left the house, so he's either in his room or his brothers."

 

"Should we...check on him? He was fine when he went outside, but..."

 

John rubbed his face roughly. "Fuck. Yeah we should." He rose to his feet shakily.

"Maybe you should wash your face before", he said, softly.

"I look that bad?" 

"You've been crying. It shows", Jim said gently. "And you know he is observant. Unless you want him to feel guilty, you should wash your face"

John swallowed dryly and nodded. "Thanks." He mumbled, wrapping his arms around himself as he walked back into the house.

 

He walked inside after John, and closed the door. He wasn't good at comforting. Maybe he should have handled this differently. It was much harder to help somebody that to break them.

 

He waited for John. It would be better if they went together. When he came out of the bathroom, he still looked altered. "Wait, come here a second"

"What?"

 

"I can still tell that you've been crying. That means he can, too. I...i have a...trick....something to...help.  Do you want me to..."

John nodded silently, eyebrows raised.  
   
Maybe he shouldn't. But it had helped him, and might help John. "I've already told you, more or less. Remember when you went to the police station? Close your eyes, and look for the adequate memory. In this case...safety. Try to think about the last time you felt safe"  
  
John closed his eyes, and Jim observed his face, noticing the the subtle change in John's expression. "Yes, that's it. Focus on that memory, on the way it makes you feel, and forget everything else"

 

John’s face remained calm for about ten seconds. It had taken him some time to master the technique. He couldn't expect John to do it in a minute. He put his hand on John’s shoulder. "Okay, try again. Maybe...not safety. What do you want to project?"  
  
John worried at his lip, relaxing at the touch. "Calmness?"   
    
“Calmness. Okay. Look for the right memory. Think of a time you felt that. Take your time"  
  
John nodded slightly and Jim saw that it was working.

   
"Try to keep the feeling. The memory is just...a way to achieve that. Focus on the way you felt."  
  
  
He observed carefully John's face, looking for traces of anxiety. He could still see it, but only because he knew. Sherlock wouldn't see. "Good. Let's go and find Sherlock", he said softly.  
    
  
John let out a small breath and opened his eyes, nodding. "He's probably in his room," He replied, walking with Jim from the kitchen.

Jim walked silently, observing John's body language. If he didn't know, he would have been fooled.

 

The door of the room was closed. John  glanced at Jim and knocked lightly.

   
"Come in", said Sherlock, in a tired voice.

 

John opened the door, and Jim followed him. Sherlock was sitting on the bed, and he looked...miserable. If John wasn't here, he would kiss him until he stopped thinking, like he had done before. But he wasn't sure if that would be a good idea with John here. So, instead, keeping his voice indifferent, and smiling, he said "Given that you are not wearing the bandage in your head anymore, and you are able to sneak inside without me noticing, I assume you are going back to school tomorrow. We should study."

 

 

Sherlock stared at him. He looked even more scared than before he had talked. Jim was missing something. He looked at John, whose inner tension was starting to show.

 

Slowly, he walked to the bed, and took Sherlock's hand. He kissed it, feeling the familiar connection between them. "Get up", he said softly. He couldn't help a tiny smile at the way Sherlock did what he had told him to do. Without releasing his hand he walked to John. "Now, you two, fix whatever happened before. I'll wait downstairs", he added, putting Sherlock's hand in John's. "Alright?"

 

John nodded and gave Sherlock's hand a squeeze. "We'll follow in a bit," he replied quietly.


	41. Chapter 41

Jim knew he shouldn’t. But he needed information if he wanted to help. So he stopped at the door and listened. Sherlock had sounded so...sad.

 

 

 

"Are you...angry?"   
   
 "Not at you. At myself. I'm sorry for how I acted earlier. I'm just so lost in my head I can't think straight. It's no excuse but...

 

"I only wanted to help, but...I didn't know how. John, look at me, please. “

 

 "You did what you had to."

 

"John, I had no idea of what I was doing. I...I have no idea of what i'm doing now. I'd probably end up saying or doing something inappropriate, and hurting you too"

 

"Well, isn't it better to make those mistakes with us? We don't take them personally. And I doubt you would  _really_  hurt me."

  
  
"Better? Do you have any idea of what seeing you hurt makes me? I....I can't...stop wanting you.  It hurts you, and makes me feel..."

 

"Why do you want me so much?"

 

"I...I don't know. It's not something I can...control. Because you are you. I want...to feel you, to...I don't even know what I want"

 

"Would you want those things with Jim too?"

 

"It's...different. But...yes"

  
  
"If... If you and Jim did those things, would it help?"

 

"I don't know. It's...complicated. Would it hurt you?"

 

"No, I think I'd be fine with it" 

 

"Do you have any idea of how amazing you are?"

 

"Not nearly as amazing as you."

 

 

 

 

 

Jim heard them kissing, and went downstairs silently, feeling strange. Sherlock wanted him. Despite...how he looked, despite the way Sherlock had reacted...maybe things would be fine after all.

 

He went to the kitchen, and noticed that they had been cooking. Needing something to do, he started to clean the kitchen.

 

They came to the room after ten minutes, and the tension between them was gone. John greeted him with a smile, and started to make tea.

 

   
Sherlock walked silently to Jim. He rubbed his neck, nervously. "Jim, I...I'm sorry...about...before", he muttered.  
   
   
"I know. I told you it was fine", he replied, looking him in the eyes. Sherlock was clearly nervous. "It's fine. Stop worrying", he added.  
   
   
Sherlock nodded, and helped John with the tea.

He looked for something to talk about, trying to forget what he had overheard before.

  

"So...back to school tomorrow?", he said. School was usually a safe topic. To his surprise, when Sherlock looked at him and nodded, he was scared. He decided to ignore it. They needed...something normal.  "You should study, then. We have a Chemistry test".

 

Sherlock took the notes Jim handed him, and started reading, as John served out the tea silently and sat at the table..  
  
Jim drank his tea silently, but it was a confortable silence. When he had finished, he took his bag again. "History?", he asked John.   
   
He rose an eye brow and nodded. "Please."  
   
He gave John his notes, and took out the Maths' s ones for himself.

They studied silently for a while. Jim relaxed, but  spent most of the time glancing at Sherlock.  
   
It was curious, because half of the time he found Sherlock looking at him too.

 

After a while John looked up.  "Christ, will one of you speak to the other?” , he said, before going back to his notes

 

 Jim waited. He was good at that. And Sherlock was...blushing? He smiled. "What do you want to ask?", he said, softly. He could see thay Sherlock wanted something, but didn't know what.  
   
"Stay", Sherlock muttered, blushing deeper. "I...want you to stay tonight".   
   
He hadn't been expecting that. "Okay", he replied with a smile. "With two conditions: one, that you have dinner. And two, that John is okay with it"  
   
"It's fine with me," John shrugged, drawling a line under his own written notes.

 

"Okay", Sherlock replied.

  
It wasn't a deal, but it was close enough. He needed it. Something in exchange of something. It was the only way he knew.  
   
   
Some time after that John offered to prepare something for dinner. But Jim was nervous about staying, after what Sherlock had told John before, and cooking always helped him to relax, so he offered to do it.

 

He got up, feeling  Sherlock's eyes on him the whole time. He liked cooking. His father never entered the kitchen, and his mother had taught him a lot of recipes. Something easy. Rissotto? He checked if he had all the ingredients (of course he had. He wondered who did the shopping. Not Sherlock, certainly) and started to prepare it.  
  
Everytime he looked at Sherlock, he found him looking back, but he didn't say anything. He liked it. He prepared the base, added the rice, and programed the time. Twenty minutes. Then he'd only have to added the cheese. "It's almost ready. Where are the dishes?"  
   
    
"Bottom door in the right corner." John instructed him, without looking up.  
   
   
Jim took three plates, and put then in the table. Sherlock looked at him again, and then back to his notes, and Jim smiled. He took three glasses and took them to the table, brushing slightly Sherlock's hand. He didn't look up, but tensed. Jim kept doing that as he took everything to the table, observing Sherlock’s reactions. John noticed, of course. It was difficult not to. But he just smiled, and thanked him for the food. Curious.

 

When it was time, he added the cheese, mixed it with the rice and took it to the table. Then he served the food. Small rations; he knew Sherlock didn't eat much, and, as for John...it would be quite an achievement if he ate at all. He sat, and started to eat.

 

He knew better than to talk about food. It was how he had started...playing with John. When Sherlock finished everything, and John half of it, Jim grinned. They had liked it.  
  
It turned out that what John and Sherlock had cooked before was a cake, and Sherlock brought it to the table.

 

As Sherlock cut it, Jim studied John's face carefully. Guilt. He stood in front of him. "Have you finished?", he said in a soft tone. He had caused this. It had taken him eight months. Now, he wondered how long it would take to make it go. He was going to find out.

John looked up at Jim briefly, nodding. "Yeah. It was great, thank you," he replied weakly.

  
He smiled, and it was an honest smile. "Thank you", he said as he took the food out of John's sight.   
   
John didn’t eat the cake, but he relaxed again as they started talking.

 

Sherlock ate his cake, smiling the whole time, and explaining Jim how they had made it. After a while, even John started to smile at Sherlock’s enthusiasm.

 

It was...strange, how comfortable he was feeling, how natural this was. After some time, he remembered he had to phone home. He should probably do it alone, where they couldn’t hear him, but...he was tired of hiding. And if they turned on him, if they wanted to hurt him, they had more than enough information. He took his phone, and dialled the number.

  
The nurse picked it as usual. He talked in a distant tone, professional and controlled. "I'm James", he said. Because it was the name that signed their cheques, and because it sounded adult. He hated it. "How is she?", he asked, although he could hear the answer in the background, she was crying. The nurse told him that she had eaten, and was going to take her sleeping pills. "Good, i'll be there tomorrow", he said in the same tone, trying to keep the emotions from his face.

 

 

Neither of them said anything for a while. They cleaned the kitchen in silence. It wasn’t unconfortable, but Sherlock kept looking at him with an expression that took him some time to understand. Hesitance, desire, worry....and a million different things. Finally, he understood, and, smiling, walking until he was standing in front of Sherlock.

 

"Yes", he whispered, looking him in the eyes.  
   
Sherlock stared at him, confused.  
   
Jim glanced at John, who was carefully not looking at them. So he had noticed, too, Then he moved a step closer to Sherlock. "Yes, you can kiss me", he said calmly.  
   
Sherlock blushed. Hesitant, he kissed him, just for a second, before moving away.  
   
Jim laughted, amused, and heard John doing the same.

 

"I don't know what is so funny. I'll be upstairs", Sherlock muttered, leaving the room.  
   
Jim couldn't help it, and giggled. The sound was strange in his mouth, but he didn't seem to be able to stop.  
   
"You should follow him. His ego is hurt," John told him between bursts of giggles.

"What the hell did you tell him? He wasn't like this before", he replied, still smiling.

  
He shrugged. "May have mentioned how I can't offer any intimacy at all. You're the target of his never ending affections."

 

 

His smile vanished, remembering what he had heard. It wasn’t exactly what John had said, but they had probably talked more afterwards. He looked at the door form where Sherlock had left, and then back at John. Sherlock would be fine, he decided.

"How do you know that? Have you even tried?"

 

"Obviously. It wouldn't be mentioned if we hadn't tried."

 

He studied John carefully. "And what makes you think that  _I_  can?", he asked, looking John in the eyes.

 

John met his gaze evenly. "I never said you, for certain, could. We're not exactly that different. Have  _you_  tried?"

 

"No", he replied, without looking away. He wasn't ashamed of being who he was. "I could, maybe. On my terms, and if I had control of the situation. I've never trusted anybody enough to try"

 

"Would you trust him enough?" John asked softly, holding eye contact.   
   
Letting Sherlock see him had been difficult. And Sherlock's reaction had made it worse. But...if he were in control..."Maybe", he replied, after a minute.  
 

 

John nodded. "Try. See how it goes."

 

He studied John's face for signs of doubt, but found none. He meant that. He nodded. "Fine. I'll try, if he asks. But...you should try, too. Not now, maybe, but...I can see that you want it"

 

John nodded weakly.

 

 

"This is the most strange conversation i've ever had", Jim replied. "Okay. If you are sure about this, and he wants...tell him to come to my room tonight"

 

 

John paused thoughtfully. "You two could share tonight, if you want. I probably won't sleep anyway."  
 

Sleeping with somebody? No way. He couldn't do that. One thing was to let him see his body, or to share physical intimacy. But..."I...I can't do that"

 

 

John nodded quickly. "That's fine. It was stupid of me to suggest it, sorry." he replied hurriedly.

 

He forced his body to relax. He trusted John, at least as much as he could trust somebody. "No need to apologize. You didn't know. I can...control my memories while i'm awake, but...". He was tensing again. No, relax. Better.  
 

 

"Jim, it's fine. I get it, so don't worry. I'm the same."

 

He nodded, wondering how John managed to sleep with Sherlock. "Would you be fine on your own if he comes to me?"

 

John nodded once again. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I might go out for a smoke or something."

 

"Let's go, then.", he said softly. "You...tell him. I'll wait in the room where I slept the other night."

 

"Okay. Are you sure you're okay with this?" John asked gently, leading them from the kitchen.

 

"I won't know unless I try.", he replied, trying to control his emotions. Anxiety? No, that wasn't useful. He wanted Sherlock, had wanted him since he had seen him for the first time. And...this would be on his terms, he would be in control. "Don't...go too far away, just in case....", he added in a whisper. Asking for help was...hard.

 

"I'll either be just outside, or in the kitchen. Don't worry," John said softly, walking up the stairs. "It can't go  _too_  badly."

 

"Of course. But you know I like having...contingency plans", he said with a tense smile. He stopped at the door of the room where he was going to sleep. "I'll wait here, then"

 

Jim sat on the bed, and focused on his breathing, trying to calm down, and planning in his mind how he could do this. He kept doing it until he heard a soft knock on his door.

 


	42. Chapter 42

Jim opened the door, and found Sherlock looking at him with a panicked expression.  
  
"What do you want, Sherlock?", he asked, moving to let him enter.  
  
"I....", Sherlock started, unsure, as he closed the door and walked inside. "I ...John...told me that...you have...talked"  
  
Jim smiled, and moved closer to Sherlock. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"On my terms. You do everything I tell you to do. No questions, no cheating. And if you want to stop, you say it"  
  
"F...fine"  
  
Jim kissed him softly. "Okay. Now, close your eyes. You can't open them until I say so" That way Sherlock wouldn't see him, and this would be easier.  
  
Sherlock didn't question it, didn’t ask anything, and closed his eyes. It made Jim feel confident. He could do this.

  
Jim waited without saying anything else, observing Sherlock’s body language carefully, until he noticed him relaxing. The amount of trust Sherlock had in him to let that happen surprised him, and made him feel...totally in control. He relaxed too. This felt natural. Slowly, he walked until he was standing just in front of Sherlock, but without touching him.   
  
"Kiss me", he said, softly  
  
Sherlock heard the words, and, almost automatically, he leaned forward to kiss Jim.

He saw Sherlock struggling to keep his eyes closed, but he didn’t opened them. The kiss was hesitant at first, so Jim took control of it, and noticed the hesitance disappear. Sherlock had no idea of what he wanted, or what he was doing. He trusted Jim to tell him. It was amazing.

 

He kept kissing Sherlock until he almost lost control. It felt as good as he thought it would.  It made him forget about everything. Finally, he moved away, breaking the contact. Sherlock's breathing (and his own), was fast and uneven. This was affecting him more than he had expected.   
  
"Take off your shirt and lie on the bed", he said, controlling his voice carefully.   
  
Sherlock did as Jim had told him, clearly relaxing at the order.  He took off his shirt, and walked slowly to the bed, without opening his eyes. He extended his hand, touched the bed, and sit on it. Slowly, he lay on the bed, and waited.  
  
Jim stared at Sherlock's body. He wanted him. He needed him. Slowly, he lay besides him. "Remember: don't open your eyes", he whispered. "And...try not to move". He moved his hands to Sherlock's chest, and traced the lines of his muscles, learning his body. He hadn't touched him yet, and the sensation of Sherlock almost trembling under his hands was incredible.   
  
Sherlock wasn’t used to this, and Jim noticed how difficult staying still was for him. And yet, Sherlock was doing it. For him. Slowly, he moved his hands over Sherlock’s body, trying to ignore the bandage. He touched and explored him, tracing each scar and kissing them. He kept doing it until he noticed the tension in Sherlock’s body increasing to a point Sherlock was starting to look uncomfortable. Then he stopped and kissed him tenderly.

 

Sherlock needed...rules. Jim too, but Sherlock looked lost without them. He also needed to do something, clearly staying still wasn’t a good option for him. He sat on the bed, and, after a moment of hesitation, took off his own shirt.

 

"More rules, just for today. We won't take off any more clothes. Remember, you can't open your eyes. And...you can do to me only what I've already done to you. Understood?", he said, projecting a calm he wasn’t feeling.  
  
 "Yes", Sherlock replied. Jim lay on the bed again, and saw Sherlock’s hands moving to his body. He almost panicked. He wanted this. But what if Sherlock reacted like he had done before? What if...No. No. Calm down. He kissed Sherlock again, and he felt his hands on his skin, careful and tender. Sherlock had his eyes closed, and Jim remembered that Sherlock was following the rules, that he was in control.

 

 

Jim fought to stay calm, as he felt Sherlock’s hands over his body, touching, exploring. He felt him tracing his scars, and then kissing them. He felt his lips, his tongue. He felt Sherlock’s body, close and warm. He felt so much that he almost couldn't stand it. He wanted Sherlock to stop. He wanted this to go on forever. He wanted more, much more.

 

"Stop", he said as controlled as he could manage, which wasn’t much. Sherlock moved his hands away, keeping his eyes closed Jim hugged him tightly, and, slowly they both calmed down.   
  
They stayed like that for a while, just feeling each other. And then Jim kissed him, slow and tenderly, and Sherlock relaxed totally between his arms. This was perfect.

 

Jim was scared. This had been too intense, too emotional. He needed some time to process it. Sherlock was totally relaxed, totally... _his_. It had been incredible. Sherlock's mind and body were his, in a way he hadn't believed it was possible. If he felt this way after what they have done, how would it feel...No. He wasn’t going to think about it right now. He kissed Sherlock’s forehead softly, and moved away, putting on his shirt.  
  
"You can open your eyes  now"  
  
Sherlock looked at Jim, and smiled without moving.

  
Jim couldn't help but to smile back. "Get dressed and go find John, he'll be worried"  
  
Sherlock put his shirt on, and walked to the door. "Jim, I..."  
  
"I know. Go find John"  
  
Sherlock nodded, and walked out of the room.

 

Jim didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to worry. He just wanted to feel, to remember. Why was this so difficult? Why did he need rules for it? Most people didn’t. He already knew something was wrong with him, something was broken, but...Sherlock deserved somebody whole.

 

No, he wasn't going to think like that. He pushed those ideas to the deepest part of his mind, and looked for something else to focus on.

 

He had no clothes, and hadn2t remembered to ask Sherlock or John for something to use tonight, so he ended up sleeping naked. It should bother him. But this time, when he saw his marked skin, there wasn't only the memory of his father hurting him. There was another memory, much more powerful, of Sherlock touching the marks and kissing them. Finally, exhausted, he fall asleep.

 

 

In his dreams, Sherlock was laughing. No. He didn’t want to dream about this. Sherlock, looking at him and laughing, as he whispered something in John’s ear. And then John was laughing too. He tried to attack them, to say something hurtful, but it was  _Sherlock_ , and he realised he couldn’t. More images followed, changing fast. Molly, looking at him, worried. “They are good together”, she was saying. Jim knew that. Of course he knew. Sherlock, looking at him with a cold expression, shouting at him. And another image, a memory of a long time ago. A bedroom, at the centre. Voices, steps. No. No.

 

He woke up, terrified. The memories of the dream refused to vanish. He looked at the door, knowing that they had heard. Too many emotions. He had been right. He was too broken to have a normal relationship. He didn’t even dare to sleep, it was too much, Finally, unable to stay in control, he buried his face in the pillow and cried as silently as he could.


	43. Chapter 43

The night was very long. He was tired, it has been an exhausting day, but he didn’t dare to sleep.

 Finally, about an hour before Sherlock and John would get up, he had a shower and got dressed in the same clothes as the day before. 

He went back to his room, and studied until he heard noises from the other room.

 

He opened the door, carefully, and walked to the bathroom where the voices came from.

 

The door was open. Sherlock was sitting in the bath, half covered by the water, naked and without bandages. And....there were some red marks on his neck, from last night. Had he really done that? He wondered if he had marks, too. He hadn’t checked.  John was sitting behind Sherlock, on the ledge of the bath, totally dressed, washing Sherlock’s hair tenderly.

The scene in front of his eyes was so...peaceful. He wondered what it would feel, to trust somebody that much. 

 

 "Hi", he said, awkwardly, from the door. "Do you want tea?"  
   
John glanced up at him and nodded.

 "Please." he replied with a timid smile.  
  
Sherlock opened his eyes, surprised. 

 "J-Jim", he said, blushing.   
   
Jim smiled, amused.

 "Do you want tea, Sherlock?", he repeated.  
   
 "Y-yes"  
   
   
Still smiling, Jim walked downstairs to prepare the tea.

 

  

Jim made tea, and put the cake on the table. He was worried, because he was starting to find this _too_ comfortable. Last night had been amazing. Sherlock had been totally his. And...he was still wearing the marks of it on his skin. 

For some reason that made him feel really good. When they came down, he sat and served the tea.  
   
 "Thanks," John said with a smile as he took the tea, sitting down as he took a sip of it.  
   
 "I think I should warn you: things are, well, messy at school right now", Jim replied, drinking his tea slowly.  
  

 "How messy?"  
   
Jim cut a loaf of the cake and handed it to Sherlock, who took it and started to eat. Then he cut another one, and cut it in two parts, one much bigger than the other. He gave John the smaller one.  
   
  "Well...there are two main problems. The first one is that I spent yesterday spreading rumours about myself. So...you will hear everything."  
   
 Sherlock stared at him, confused. "Why would you do that?"  
   
 "Because...I had to. That way, if Greg talks, his story would only be one among several others"  
    
That made even less sense to Sherlock. "Greg? What story?"  
    
Jim drank his tea silently, pondering what to answer. "Hasn't John told you?", he asked, finally.  
   
 Sherlock shook his head.  
   
John bit his lip and raised his gaze to look at Jim pleadingly, almost begging with his eyes for him not to say what had really happened. "I told Sherlock that Greg was pissed, and hit me." He explained.  
  
"Well, that is true", he said in the same tone as before. Why hadn't John told Sherlock what had happened? "But there's more. He...his father is a policeman, one of the ones involved on my case. And...Greg knows  what happened".  _Pathetic. Weak_. No, that wasn't important. "He threatened to tell everybody about it, and I...threatened him with...something else" He didn't want Sherlock to know that. "The rumours are a..back up plan"  
   
Sherlock looked at John, confused. "I thought Greg was your friend. What happened?"   
   
"He has this demanding personality. To say the least."  
  
"Which takes me to the second problem.”, Jim said calmly. “Greg and I...had a chat yesterday. It almost ended...badly."  
   
"What happened?", asked Sherlock, worried  
   
 Jim glanced at John, pondering how much to tell. "He...insulted a friend", he said, simply. “Being at my side today might not be safe"

 

They talked about it for a while. John wanted to talk to Greg again, and Sherlock offered to go with him. The idea made John clearly uncomfortable, and finally Jim got up.

 

 

"Let's go, or we'll be late. And believe me, Greg won't _dare_ to touch John again." After what Sebastian had done to him, and Jim's threats....it would be enough.

 

For some reason Sherlock looked scared. Well, he hadn’t gone to school for a while, but...Oh. Of course. He hadn’t  _left the house_  since the attack.  

 

Sherlock had his eyes closed, and was holding John’s hand, and staring at the floor. Bad sign.

  
"Where are your things? Upstairs? I'll get them", Jim said, leaving the room to take Sherlock’s bag. On his way to the door, he could hear them speaking in whispers.   
  
"Just two days and it's the weekend."

 

"Is it my fault? Was Greg angry because of me?"  
   
"No of course not. Greg has kind of always been like that..."

 

Once he was at the stairs, he couldn’t heard them. But it made no sense. Sherlock felt guilty for what had happened. When he went back, they were still talking

 

 

“... thought it was normal." John, definitely John.

 

"Maybe it is. Maybe what we have is what isn't normal”

 

"You're joking right? It's  _not_  normal what Greg and I were like. You don't see other friends doing that on a daily basis."

  
"I didn't see anything in the way Greg treated you, either. I don't know."

 

"Friends don't hurt friends or destroy them from the inside out."  
  
"I've hurt you. Several times"

 

"You never meant to though. And never anything that couldn't be fixed."

 

"You said Jim hurt you, too"

"I wasn't friends with him then. People  _can_  change and...”

 

Enough. He shouldn’t be listening to this. As soon as he walked into the kitchen, the conversation stopped. They were hugging, and Sherlock still had his eyes closed.  

 

"Let's go", Jim said firmly, ignoring the silence. 

John nodded and stepped back from the hug, taking Sherlock's hand again. He picked up his own bag and slung it over his shoulder.  He led them out of the kitchen , towards the door.

 

Sherlock stopped at the door. Jim noticed how his breathing was becoming fast and uneven, and he was squeezing John’s hand. Without thinking, he held Sherlock’s other hand, and it seemed to help. Hesitant, Sherlock took a step, and then another. When they reached the car, Sherlock was calm again, but kept holding their hands.

  
Jim felt strange holding Sherlock's hand. He had only done it because he seemed to need it, and it felt...good. Maybe too good. After last night, how could something so simple feel so intimate?

 

"As I told you before...maybe you should stay away from me at school. It would be safer", Jim said after a minute.

 

John nodded. "Fair enough."

 

"Safer?", repeated Sherlock, looking hurt. "For you, or for us?"  
  
"Both", replied Jim, softly.

 

John worried at his lip, glancing at Jim. "Sebastian will be sticking close to you, right?"

"Of course. Molly, too. I'll be fine. You....Don't do anything stupid"

"Do I ever?" John asked, sarcastically.

 

He smiled at that. "Do I really need to answer? It should be safe, you two are off limits. Nobody will touch you. I promise, Sherlock. I'll be fine. We could eat together, maybe. Depending on how the day goes". And on how John reacted to Greg's words.  
  
"Promise it"

Jim forced his body to relax, and his face to smile. "I'll be fine. Greg will probably try something today. But I can handle it". After yesterday, Greg would probably talk to John, try to persuade him to get away from Jim.

 

Sherlock noticed, of course he did.  "Jim..."  
  
Jim decided that maybe a warning was in order. "He'll tell you about me. He believes that it would stop you from being my friend”

 

John’s eyes widened and he stared at Jim for a moment. "That's his tactic you know. He said similar things to me yesterday." He looked out the window again. "As long as we all know that everything he says is lies, then we're fine."

"But it's true. What he knows...he read his father's files. They are not lies", he replied.

 

"Act like they're lies, Jim."

 

"Oh, I'm good at acting", he replied, smiling. "I was just...warning you, so you knew what to expect"

"Course.", John replied, smiling

When the car stopped, Sherlock glanced at John, and then looked at Jim with a smile. Without a word he kissed Jim softly, and whispered "be careful", in his ear. Then he got out of the car. Jim needed a moment to react, and compose himself before leaving the car.

 

John was already outside, holding Sherlock’s hand. "See you at lunch? Music room is usually empty." He mused absently.

"Alright", he replied. Then he changed his facial expression and body language, to show indifference and control, and walked to the entrance, alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	44. Chapter 44

Jim didn't talk to anybody. Or, to be more precise, nobody talked to him. He acted cold and distant, and ignored the glances he received and the whispers around him. Like always, people mostly avoided him. Seb and Molly were still in those first days of their relationship when they needed to be alone, and, for once, Jim didn’t want to interfere; they deserve each other, and to be happy.  

 

 

He was glad for them, but that meant he was alone when Greg was waiting for him after his first class. Jim knew he wouldn’t dare to hit him, but he also knew that words could hurt more than punches, and took longer to heal.

 

He tried to ignored him, but Greg started walking besides him.

 

“Does John know you’re a freak?”, Greg asked with an innocent smile

 

Jim didn’t react at all.

 

“Does Sherlock know? Oh, wouldn’t it be a shame if  _somebody_  told them?”

 

Jim didn’t even look at him, and kept walking at the same pace.

 

“Once i've told John how pathetic you really are, he won't want to be your friend anymore”

 

Jim stopped, and looked him in the eyes. “You’re an idiot. After all these years being his friend, you have no idea of how he is. Do you think he’d care? He’s much better than you. Go on. Tell him, and see how he reacts. Do you know what will happen? He’ll hate  _you_ , not me”, he said calmly.

 

For some reason that made Greg angry, and suddenly Jim didn’t feel safe. He tried to hide it, but then he felt Greg’s hand on his neck

 

“John is mine”, he whispered.

 

“Let me go”, Jim replied.

 

Greg laughed, and pushed him against a wall. “Why? What else could you do to me?”

 

Jim closed his eyes for a second, trying to control the panic he was started to feel.

 

“Hey! What are you doing?”

 

Jim opened his eyes again. Molly. _Molly_ was between him and Greg. Well, Sebastian was there too, besides her, but.... _Molly_.

 

Slowly, he walked to face Greg again. “What else could I do to you? Oh, you’ll find out”, he said with a smile. Then he turned around and entered his class, making sure his face didn’t show any of his emotions.

 

 

 

After being able to be himself at Sherlock’s face, the controlled expression he always wore at school didn’t feel right, but he needed it. He couldn’t risk being perceived as weak.

 

He had a class with Sherlock just before lunch. He should be looking forward to it, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t show that he cared, because it would make Sherlock a target, it would be dangerous for him. So, when Sherlock came and sat next to him, he acted cold and distant, and tried to ignore the hurt expression in Sherlock’s eyes.

 

It was difficult to stay in control with Sherlock this close. He knew he had to, everybody was looking at him. But Sherlock looked so...lost. "Stop looking at me like that. This is safer", he muttered.

 

Sherlock didn’t answer, and stared at the floor, and Jim wished things could he different, he whised  _he_  could be different. Sherlock looked miserable, and Jim knew he couldn’t fix it.

 

Finally the class ended, but Sherlock didn’t look up. He took his things and stood up, mechanically.   
  
Jim wanted to eat with Sherlock and John, to be able to relax and be himself. But he couldn't, at least not today. "Go to the music room, I'll met you there, and so will John"  
  
Sherlock nodded, and walked slowly, still without looking at him.

 

Before going to the music room, Jim talked to some people, and made sure everything was under control. Besides, it was safer this way than going together with Sherlock.

 

When he opened the door, he found Sherlock pacing across the room, anxiously.  
He closed the door behind him, and put a hand on Sherlock’s shoulder. "What happened?", he asked in a calm and steady tone

  
Sherlock almost jumped at the contact. "J-John has gone to meet Greg"

 

"What? Where are they?"

  
"I don't know", Sherlock replied, burying himself between Jim's arms.

  
Jim didn't know what to do. After a minute, he wrapped his arms around Sherlock, trying to comfort him. It had felt good when John had done it to him, so Jim supposed it would help Sherlock.

  
"What do we do?"  
  
"We wait, Sherlock. He will come", Jim replied, holding him tighter. "He'll be fine"

 

So they waited, and Jim tried not to think of everything that could go wrong. About ten minutes later, as they were still hugging, John opened the door.

 

Jim observed his face carefully. He looked....sad and hurt for a second; then he shook his head and smiled, but it was forced.

 

"Sorry I'm late."

 

Jim noticed something different in the way John looked at him.  _Once I've told you how pathetic you really are, he won't want to be your friend anymore_. No. John was better than that. And he already knew, more than anybody. He didn't move or show any expression.

Sherlock ran to John, grabbed his shoulders and studied him. Then he smiled and  hugged him. "You are safe", he muttered.

John hugged Sherlock gently, making sure not to cause him pain. "I'm fine, it was just a chat. No harm done." He assured, stepping back after a moment.

  
Jim noticed John's tension. He was lying. But maybe he needed the lie, the same way Jim needed his masks. "I knew you could handle him", he said, instead.  
  
John looked at Jim and smiled weakly. It was clearly forced.  "Thanks for the faith", he answered.

 

Jim noticed a hint of bitterness in John’s tone. Maybe...John had changed his mind about him, after all. There were things he hadn't told John, about what had happened when the police had found him. Greg had read those files. "I'll leave you alone", he replied, trying to hide how much this was affecting him.

 

John studied Jim for a long moment, without saying anything. Jim wondered how much John could see behind his mask.

 

 "Greg didn't mention anything about you or your case", John said looking him in the eyes

 

 

John wasn't lying, but, whatever Greg had told him had clearly affected him."Remember what you told me: it's all lies"

  
"I know." John said a bit too defensively.

 

Sherlock took John’s hand and squeezed it without saying anything

 

He could leave now, and let then try to solve this on their own. He could attack John, break him with just a sentence. He knew he could. But...he didn't want to. "Sherlock? Can you leave us? Go to the cafeteria and sit with Molly and Seb. You'll be safe"

Sherlock looked at John, silently asking him if that would be fine.

John nodded, and let Sherlock’s hand go. Sherlock kissed his cheek, and left, closing the door behind him.

 

  
Once Sherlock had left, Jim felt unsure. He knew how to break relationships, how to make people distrust other people, how to hurt. This was new. He decided to start by the facts. "You don't trust me"

John bit his lip. "I do. But... Greg said some... things.."

He remained silent, looking at John. Suddenly he felt so tired. This...being open, and trusting people was dangerous, and made him feel exposed. His usual way was much easier. Attack before somebody hurt you. He was about to say something hurtful, when something in John's eyes made him change his mind. Whatever Greg had said, he had hurt John. "Ask whatever you want. I won't lie to you", he said finally.

John licked his lips nervously. "Did... what exactly happened between you and Greg? You can leave out anything you don't specifically want to tell me, but be honest. I need to know."

He didn't want to tell John. But...he had said he needed to know. "Yesterday...I think that despite what I told him, he was going to tell everybody about me. Probably something happened at home, he was...more  aggressive than usual. So, as you can imagine, he wasn't happy about the rumours. He..." Jim paused, unsure. He hated feeling vulnerable. "...He said he would tell you, so you knew how...how...I really was. That you would...hate me. I told him that I didn't  mind, that you already knew.That I...trusted you. That made him lose control, and he tried to hit me. In that moment Molly and Seb came, and...Molly started to shout at him. "

 

John nodded slowly as Jim spoke. "He told me that you had told him that you pity me and are using my  _understanding_  of your situation to manipulate me, unlike last time." He bit his lip, pausing. "And that you are using me to get to Sherlock properly. To have him for yourself, completely."

"First, I don't pity you. I know how it feels to be pitied, and I hate it more than anything. Second, do you really think that I would tell you what i've told you, that i'd give you so many power over me, only to manipulate you? And third, if I wanted Sherlock only for myself, if I wanted you out of the equation, I could have done it easily. But...believe what you want"

John ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Obviously I believe you, you prat. I just got scared because so much of what he'd said the day before yesterday and what he said today, apart from the stuff about you, is getting to me. I can't....deal with it."

"Of course you can. After all that you've gone through, he is  _nothing_. He said some...lovely things to me, too", Jim replied, feeling strangely relieved by John's words.  
  
"He's such a kind bloke, isn't he?" John snorted.

 

"What do you think he'd do if we entered together to the cafeteria? Maybe I was wrong, and...being together is safer"  
  
"I think he'd go mental, but I'd like an excuse to laugh at him, to be honest."

 

Jim smiled at that. "Let's go inside together. Sherlock should be thinking we are killing each other. And...he was really worried about you. So we are going to go inside, and you are going to kiss him. Then we'll sit together. What do you think?"

 

"Sounds reasonable to me.", John replied. He managed a small smile and edged towards the door. "It still shocks him that we can even have a conversation."

 

"Wait. You still look...affected. Remember what I told you? Don't let him see it".

John groaned and spent a couple of moments pulling himself together

"You are getting better at that", Jim said after a minute. "Ready?"  
  
"As I'll ever be"  
  
He studied John's face. Relaxed. Good. He opened the door. "Let's go, then"

John nodded and walked out ahead of Jim, waiting for him before walking towards the cafeteria.

 

 

 


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm writing a prequel too, if you're interested. It's called deal, and you can find it here
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/815930/chapters/1543541

Jim walked confidently. When they entered the room, almost everybody turned to look at him, but he ignored them, and, making sure John was following, headed to his usual table. Seb and Molly were talking and smiling to each other, Molly's book closed on the  table. And Sherlock...he was playing with his food, and staring at the floor. He looked defeated. Jim was a bit lost, and didn’t know how to make him better. But apparently John did. He slid onto seat next to Sherlock, sitting close. "You alright love?" he asked, ducking his head to meet Sherlock gaze

Jim sat silently on the other side of Sherlock, and decided to let John handle this.

 

Sherlock didn’t look up when John spoke, and when he replied his voice sounded empty. "Nothing happened. I'm not in pain"

John sighed, and glanced at Jim. He nodded slightly, and, without another word, John  leaned forward and pressed his lips against Sherlock’s tenderly.

 

Jim noticed Molly and Seb looking at him with a worried expression, and he smiled. After last night, after the way Sherlock was his...after Sherlock having kissed him on the car...he didn't mind. It will make Sherlock feel better. He studied Sherlock’s expression. At first, he was surprised. Then he was happy.  Then he was worried, and then Jim lost track of the emotions on Sherlock’s face. 

  
John pulled away after a moment and kissed Sherlock's cheek softly. He didn't say anything. Sherlock smiled, and took John's hand under the table.

  
Jim stood up, deciding to give them some space. "I'm going to get some food. What do you want?"

John gave Sherlock's hand a squeeze and looked up at Jim. "Apple, please." he replied.

 

Jim went to buy the food, hearing whispers around him. When he came back, he saw Greg. He wasn’t looking at him, nor at John. He was looking at Sherlock. It made Jim nervous. Sherlock was vulnerable today.

Jim sat, and gave John the apple before starting to eat. Then he looked at Sherlock. He still wasn't eating. "Sherlock. You should eat", he said softly.

Sherlock looked at Jim, and then at his food. Slow and mechanically, he started to eat.

 

Jim paused. Sherlock had started to eat just because he had told him to. No questions, no hesitation. It felt strangely right.  
  
  
He finished his food without saying anything. He looked up when Sebastian stood and came closer to him.

  
"Jim? Molly and I are going outside"

  
He heard what he wasn't telling. He wanted to know if Jim was okay with it, and if he would be safe alone.

"Fine, see you later", he replied.

Sebastian nodded, and whispered something in Molly's ear. Then she came and kissed Jim on the cheek, before leaving with Sebastian.

Jim smiled, but his smile vanished when he saw the expressions of Sherlock and John. Sherlock looked sad. Maybe he was jealous. And John...worried? Angry? He seemed to dislike seeing Sebastian with Molly. "He's a good person, you know? Much better than me", he said calmly  
  
"It's not that. I know he's probably a great guy and all.. But," He tilted his head slightly in Greg's direction, not looking at him. "He's not who I'm worried about."

Oh. Of course. If he had thought Greg looked angry before, it was nothing compared with with how he looked now. "Seb can take care of himself", he replied.

John nodded. "I'm sure he can. But will he be able to protect Molly?"  
  
"Molly is...under my protection. Few people would openly defy me. Right now....probably only Greg, and...not totally. He know what he risks". Jim replied, feeling Sherlock's eyes on him, but he didn't clarify anything. "Seb will protect her. Do you really think that Greg wants to hurt her?"

"He went from my best mate to tormentor in a matter of thirty minutes. If he's angry enough or motivated enough, then maybe."

 

"I'll warn Seb", he replied, taking his phone and texting him.

"He doesn't want to hurt Molly. He wants to hurt _me_ , in order to hurt you", Sherlock whispered.

"He won't get to you" he said firmly.

 

"I know", Sherlock replied without looking up.

  
Jim studied Sherlock’s body language. Sherlock was in pain. "Didn't you have to take a pill with your food?"

  
Sherlock nodded, but didn’t look up "Only if i'm in pain. I'm fine"  
  
"Are you sure?", John asked worried.

"I...forgot to bring them", Sherlock admitted.

John bit his lip and opened his bag. He took a bottle of pain killers and tapped out one, giving it to Sherlock. "They're a bit weaker than what you usually take, but it will  last till you get home."   
 

Sherlock took the pill and swallowed it without saying anything,

 

Jim looked at them. They really were good together. Just with one gesture John was making Sherlock relax. He looked around again, realising they were almost alone. Even Greg had left. They had to go to class soon. And next class...Sherlock had French with Greg. And not Jim nor John would be there with him.

John finished his apple idly, glancing at the time. “I have to go, my class is the other side of the school", he said, getting up and kissing Sherlock’s cheek before leaving.   
   
 Jim observed Sherlock. He was...tense? No...worried? Closer. "It'll be fine. Greg won't touch you in front of other people. I'll met you at the door later"  
   
Sherlock nodded and walked to his class. He barely paid attention to the teacher. Then he went to History. John was there, and looked as nervous as he was. Finally the class was over, and they left together to meet Sherlock outside. Greg was standing by the door, and smirked at them.

 

“Ignore him”, John whispered.

 

It was easy, until Sherlock came out. His cheeks was red, and his body language was...wrong. And he was walking towards Greg, without even looking at them.

 

He sent a text to Sebastian, who shared Sherlock’s last class, asking what had happened. He read the answer, and frowned. The teacher had yelled at Sherlock after he had disrupted the class three times, correcting him.

 

Jim glanced at Sherlock and Greg. He couldn’t hear them, but he could read their body language. Sherlock was feeling guilty. And nervous. Greg looked satisfied. And then, as Greg talked, Sherlock looked up and glanced briefly at Jim, paling.

 

"John? Sherlock is in trouble", he whispered, showing the text to him. He kept the smile on his face, because Greg was watching and he couldn’t allow any weakness to show. Sherlock looked sick.  
  
John cursed, but kept himself looking calm. "Greg got to him."  
   
"How much Greg knows about what's going on between us?", he asked in a whisper, without taking his eyes from Sherlock.  
   
 John shrugged. "I...told him everything about our past deals.. He knows...everything."   
   
Greg looked at them, smirking, and talked loud enough so they could hear. "If that's what you think. Well, that's all for today. See you tomorrow, Sherly."   
  
Jim observed Greg walking away, and tried to calm down. "What about...now? Does he know what is going on with...well, with us and Sherlock?"  He really needed to find a word for their relationship.

 

He shook his head. "No. He's just guessing at things now."  
  
Jim glanced at Sherlock as he walked towards them. Guilt, fear...what had Greg told him? "I can't go with you today. I...i have to  go home, and I have..." He hesitated. But John already knew. "...I have the mandatory therapy session. Call me if you need me, anytime but from 5 to 6"  
   
John nodded quickly. "I understand. I'll text you if there is a problem. Though I hope there wont be."

Sherlock arrived to where they were standing. He looked up for a second, and then stared at the floor again again. "Hi"  
   
Jim noticed how broken Sherlock looked. He had to go soon, or he'd be late. He glanced around. Nobody. He kissed Sherlock's cheek softly. "I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow", he whispered. Had Sherlock tried to move away from the kiss? "Sherlock. Look at me"  
   
Sherlock looked at Jim, hesitant.  
   
Jim saw doubt in Sherlock's eyes. It hurt. "Everything will be fine. I promise"  
   
"See you tomorrow", Sherlock muttered, in an emotionless tone, starting to walk to the car.  
   
Jim looked at John. Clearly Greg had turned Sherlock against him. It would be too easy for John to feed those doubts, to make Sherlock hate him. Jim didn't say anything, just looked at John. He couldn't ask for help, even if he needed it.

 

John frowned deeply at the exchange and looked at Jim. He shook his head slightly. "You go on. I'll call you later." He took Sherlock's hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

Jim heard what John wasn't saying. John would help. He relaxed slightly. He trusted John, as much as he could trust somebody. "Bye", he said, walking away.

 

 

 


	46. Chapter 46

Jim walked slowly, not looking forward for what was waiting for him. He hated these sessions. They didn’t help, and he always left them feeling worse than before. But being late would be seen as a sign of something being wrong, and he didn’t want to risk that.

 

He was about half way there when he got a text.

 

“I'm forwarding you what Greg sent me. Sherlock won't talk to me about it.-John”

 

“Made a lovely deal with Sherly. He made a fuss in class and I gave him some information. He asked what happened between you and Jim, so I told him. Everything. -Greg.”

 

Jim read the text. He should have know, everything was too good to be true. He couldn't deny what he had done. And now Sherlock knew, and hated him. How could he fix this? He knew how to make people distrust each other. He also knew how to trick people into trusting him. But he didn't want that with Sherlock.

  
 He had to focus, to appear to be fine. Today's assessment was important. But it was more difficult than ever. Sherlock hated him, and suddenly he couldn't think about anything else.

  
He realised he had no idea of what to answer to John.

  
"Thank you for telling me-Jim"

  
He read it, and realised it wasn't what he wanted to say. He deleted it. But he had nothing else. So he wrote it again, and sent it.

And then, following an impulse, he sent another text.

  
"Are we still friends if he hates me?-Jim"

“Of course. Nothing changes between us. –John”

 

He smiled at the text, feeling a bit better. Finally he arrived exactly at the time of the appointment. There was somebody new, again. She introduced herself, but Jim didn’t pay attention. What for? There would be somebody new next month.

 

“So...James. How was your month?”

 

He tried not to flinch at the name. He had time to  practice, all his therapists called him James, and he had stopped complaining long ago.

 

“Fine”

 

“Do you have a new girlfriend?”

 

He stared at her. He hadn’t mentioned any girlfriend before. Or had he? Maybe he had said something about Molly.

 

“Your neck”, she said with a smile

 

He touched the marks on his neck and blushed at the memory. “Boyfriend”

 

“Boyfriend”, she repeated, writing something down. “Tell me about him”

 

“We...we’ve only been together for a few days”, he said, trying to avoid the topic

 

She sighed. “James, I’m sure you’ve been told about this. You’ll have an evaluation before your birthday, to decide if you can be responsible of yourself. And one of the signs of that is being able to make personal connections, and be able to talk about what happened to you”

 

“I-I told John”

 

“John? Your boyfriend?”

 

Jim shook his head. “He’s....my friend. Sherlock’s, too. Sherlock...he’s my boyfriend, but...we’ve only been together for a few days.”

 

“So....you talked with your friend”

 

 

Jim nodded. “I told him...some things about...my father, and....I ask him when I’m not sure of how to behave with Sherlock”

 

She wrote something else. “I’d like to talk with him”

 

Jim tensed, not sure if John would agree to that. “I’ll ask him. He...he’s a bit shy”

 

“Do it. It would be...a positive factor in your evaluation. Sherlock, too”

 

“No, I...I don’t want him to know, or to think I’m....”

 

“You’re what?”

 

“...”

 

“James?”

 

Jim looked down. It was the way to make sure they didn’t try to talk with Sherlock. “I...haven’t told him I...I go to therapy. It’s too soon, and...I really like him, I don’t want him to think that I’m...crazy. I know, I know, going to therapy doesn’t mean that, it just mean you need help, but....I want him to know me a bit better before....telling him”

 

She sighed. “Okay, Jim. Now tell me...are you still having nightmares?”

 

Jim lied, like he always did. He told her what he was expected to say; that things were getting better, but they weren’t perfect. That some times he found things difficult, but he was coping. The best lies were part true.

 

Finally, he left with an appointment for next month, that would possibly change into the final evaluation, depending on how busy the people doing it were, and a phone number to call if John agreed to talk to his therapist. He felt drained, and the fear of what Sherlock would think about him now was making it very difficult to think about anything else.

 

He walked back home slowly. He wanted to know what had happened. He wanted to call John, and ask him what Sherlock had said. But he didn’t. What could he say? He’ll see them the next day, and, hopefully, he could find a way to make Sherlock understand.

 

His mother was already asleep when he got home. He went to her room, and kissed her cheek before going back to his room. He was too nervous to eat, and sleeping would bring the nightmares back. So he stayed awake the whole night, working.

 

The next morning, left home early. John hadn’t  texted him the day before. Surely Sherlock hated him now, but...maybe it could be fixed. That is, if John hadn't used this chance to have Sherlock for himself. No, John wouldn’t do that, would he?

 

When he arrived to school, he waited at the door. He needed to know how things were. So he waited, and waited, until it was too late for the first class, and it was clear that they weren't coming. Well, that was his answer. He ignored his emotions as good as he could, selecting the most useful of them: anger.  Greg was going to pay for this.


	47. Chapter 47

Jim didn’t go to his first class. Teachers didn't mind, as long as he passed his exams, and he was always the first of his class. He was angry. Well...not really. He was scared. Terrified. He couldn't lose Sherlock. The mere idea was painful. But....Greg had told him what Jim had done to John two years ago. There was no chance of Sherlock looking at him in the same way after that. Being angry was easier. Safer.

 

So...Greg. He needed to destroy him, or, at least, to make him suffer for what he had done. First, his friends. Greg had a group of people...not many, and the closest to him had been John, but there were...five or five people he talked to often.

 

Everybody had a breaking point. He had learned that long ago. There was always a secret they wanted to keep hidden, or something they needed. Or, if that failed, somebody they cared about.

 

The first boy was easy. He already owed Jim a favour. So Jim told him to stop talking to Greg. To his surprise, he looked relieved.

 

The second one was a bit more difficult. But he was the leader of the other ones, so if he convinced him, he’d have all of them. He had nothing on him, not really, but...he sometimes acted as if he was ashamed of something.

 

Jim went to his second class, and then went to meet the boy.

 

“I want to talk with you. Come”, he said with a cold smile.

 

Power had its advantages, because he saw him shiver slightly, and he followed Jim without any question. Once they were alone, he turned the smile into a sweet one.

 

“I _know_ ”

 

He paled. “You...you know?”

 

Jim nodded, grinning, and walked a step closer. “Of course I do. I know _everything_ ”, he replied. He felt better. Doing this stopped him thinking about...other things.

 

The boy paled, and begged him not to tell anybody. It was perfect.

 

“Well....I’m sure you know I don’t like Greg. That means I don’t like the people he talks to. And you want me to like you, don’t you?”

 

“So you want me...to stop talking to him?”

 

“Not just you. Your friends too. I know they'll do what you want them to.”, he said sweetly. “Well, as long as they don’t know your little....secret. That would be a pity”

 

“N...No! No, I....I’ll do it. I promise!”

 

Jim nodded. “It seems we have a deal, then”, he said, when he heard his phone. A text. He took his phone, and read it.

 

"We slept in, sorry. I talked to Sherlock. He is a bit...distrustful now. But I think he would be willing to hear you out. -John"

 

Jim looked up from his phone to the scared boy in front of him. "Do as I told you, and nobody will ever know. You have a week. Leave".

 

He waited for him to go away, and read the text again, wondering how to reply. Either Sherlock could trust him again knowing what he had done, or he couldn't. Not much he could do to change that.

  
"I'll go after school. -Jim". He had to talk to John anyway.

 

"I'll see you then. John"

 

 

 

 

 

Jim went to his last class before lunch, and sat besides Molly. She looked so happy. It was good to see her like this, after everything she had gone through. She and Sebastian were good for each other.

 

When the class ended, Seb was waiting at the door. He smiled shyly at Molly, and took her hand.

 

They walked towards the cafeteria in silence. Jim was lost in his thoughts, trying  to find the best way to make Sherlock understand. Seb and Molly were looking at each other, and ignoring the rest of the world. Jim lead them to a table, and went to get food for all of them. At least somebody was happy.

 

He was going back to the table with the food when Greg came in. He looked furious. Jim frowned. It was too soon for his plan to have worked. But...no. Greg was glaring at Seb and Molly, and had started to walk towards them. He couldn’t allow that.

 

“Leave them alone”, he said calmly.

 

“This is none of your business, Jim. She’s no longer yours”

 

That angered him. He remembered how scared Molly had been the first days at school, and how the way Greg looked at her made her uncomfortable.

 

“Leave. Them. Alone”

 

Greg smirked. “And who is going to stop me? You? Come on,  _nobody_  likes you. The weak, pathetic victim, to stupid to solve his own problems. Do you think Sherlock likes you? He won’t anymore, now that he knows how you really are. Nobody will, once they know the truth. Do you think Johnny likes you? He only talks to you because of Sherlock. And because he needs somebody to push him.

 

“What, somebody like  _you_?”, he said with the same cold smile, trying not to react at Greg’s words.

 

Greg glared at him. “Oh, yes? Let’s see how people react, then, will we?”

 

Jim kept his face carefully blank, as Greg started shouting about his past. Calling him victim. Telling the details of what had been done to him. Telling him how pathetic he was. Jim hid inside his mind, and didn’t let any emotion show in his face.

 

The cafeteria went silent, and, to his relief, people started to talk about the other rumours about him, the fake ones he had spread. Nobody seemed to give much credit to what Greg had said.

 

He glanced at the door, and saw three teachers coming in. Greg was an idiot when he was angry. Maybe...Yes. It was worth a try. He smiled at him sweetly.

 

“Your plan worked wonderfully, didn’t it?”

 

And then Greg hit him, like Jim had known he would. He didn’t try to defend himself, he didn’t hit him back. He just let the tray fell to the floor, and the teachers rushed towards them.

 

Jim was sent home after a visit to the nurse. And Greg was in a lot of trouble. Jim walked to the entrance, feeling a bruise forming on his face. It had been worth it. He took his phone, and then he put it in his pocket again. He walked for five minutes before stopping and taking his phone again. No point in delaying it.

 

"There's been trouble at school and I've been sent home. Is it alright if I go now?-Jim"

 

"Of course. Food's warm if you want some, too. What happened? -John"

 

Jim read the text, wondering what to say. It was too long to explain in a text. "Greg saw Seb and Molly together, and things got messy. I'll explain later-Jim"

"Okay, see you in a bit. -John."

 

Jim took a deep breath, and walked towards Sherlock’s house.


	48. Chapter 48

Jim stood at the door for a minute, trying to hide his worry. He had to do this, the sooner the better. If Sherlock hated him- well, at least he would have tried. 

 

He rang, and waited.

 

John opened the door and froze, his eyes widening at the bruise on Jim's face. "Who?", he asked, stepping back to let Jim in.

 

Jim had been so nervous that he had forgotten about his face. "Greg", he replied, tiredly. "It's a long story", he added, entering the house. "But before I tell you, I-" He hesitated. Asking for favours made him uncomfortable. "I wanted to ask you to...do something for me. You don't have to, but...it would help"

 

"Whatever it is, just ask."

 

He started talking before he had time to think about it. If he did, he wouldn't say anything. "Yesterday I had an...evaluation. I turn eighteen in a few weeks, and they need to decide what is going to happen to me. It's....complicated, because they will talk to my mother too, and she...isn't well. My therapist asked me if I'd told anybody what had happened to me, and I told her about you. Not about your past, but about...us being friends. She...wants to talk to you"

 

John fell silent for a moment. "Okay. I'll talk to her."

 

"Really?", he asked, staring at him. Without any question, without asking anything in exchange.  He needed this; if they decided to send him back to the centre....he couldn't stand it. It had almost killed him last time.

 

"Yes. Just tell me what I'll need to know, and I'll talk to her." John nodded, shrugging.

 

"I'm...not really sure. Tell her what I told you, about my....my father. Tell her how I am when I'm with you. The point of this is to decide if i'm better, and if I can live on my own."

 

"I can do that. And I won't mess it up", John assured.

 

"Thank you", he replied, looking at him. "I know you won't"

 

John shrugged. "Not a problem. Want some food? And ice?"

   
He nodded, relaxing for the first time since yesterday. "That would be great", he answered, smiling. He followed John to the kitchen, wondering where Sherlock was.

 

John gestured to the left over food in the bowls. "Help yourself." he told him as he looked for an ice pack in the fridge.  
   
Jim sat and served the food. It looked good. "Greg's been expelled for a week", he said as he ate.  
    
"Thank fuck, but what happened?" John asked, as he brought the ice pack over.  
    
"Long story. You know Molly and Seb are dating, don't you? Well, Greg saw them holding hands and...he wasn't happy about it. I...noticed it. They were..." he smiled at the memory "They were too busy looking at each other, so i...told him to leave them alone. And then it went messy. He started to shout about...me, and my past....and nobody believed him. So he got angrier, and hit me. In front of three teachers.".

 

 

 

John cursed under his breath. "He deserves more than a week." he muttered. "What a jackass. You alright?"

  
He was about to say that of course. But...Greg's words had brought back too many memories. And...he was so tired of pretending all the time...He shook his head, without looking at John.

  
"Well, that calls for tea." John said, trying to lighten the mood.

  
"The magic cure for everything”, Jim he said with a smile, finishing his food. Where was Sherlock? Maybe he was angry. No. No, John had said he’d listen to what Jim had to say.

 

"You can't say it isn't", John chuckled, going to the door to call up the stairs. "Sherlock, do you want a cup of tea?"

"Yes, I'll be there in a minute", Sherlock replied.

  
Jim glanced at the door, nervously. He remembered the way Sherlock had moved from his kiss the day before.

 

John went to make the tea, smiling at Jim. "It'll be okay."

 

Jim nodded, without taking his eyes away from the door. Sherlock entered the room looking at the floor. Jim noticed that he was nervous, but he didn’t know what to say, so he just waited. And then Sherlock looked up, and his expression changed to one of worry. He walked to Jim, fast, and took his face in his hands, moving to see it better. "Are you alright? what happened? Who did this?"  
  
Jim tensed. He had expected Sherlock to be cold with him; he had expected him to ask for explanations. Not this...caring, and this tender way of touching him. "I'm...alright", he lied.

 

And it was the wrong thing to say, because Sherlock looked at him with an unreadable expression, and moved away from Jim. His body language showed that he was uncomfortable. Jim didn’t move, not sure of what to say.

 

John sighed, letting the tea bags stew. "Neither of you get to not talk about this. I did my talking last night."  He pointed at the table for Sherlock to sit and went back to the tea.

 

 Sherlock sat silently, without breaking eye contact with Jim.  
  
Jim knew John was right. If there was a way to fix this, it involved talking. At least John was here, in case things went wrong. "What do you want to know?”  
  
Sherlock stared at the bruise. "Who did that?"  
  
"Greg. But that's not what you want to know"  
  
Sherlock shook his head, and glanced at John before speaking. "Greg told me...what you did to...John"  
  
Jim sighted. "That's not a question, Sherlock"  
  
"I...I don't understand. Why? How could you..."  
  
He had no excuse, not really. He had needed a distraction, and John had just been convenient. "I told you I wasn't a good person", he replied.  
  
"That's not an answer"  
  
Right. Of course it wasn't, but he didn't want to remember that. He looked for another way of solving this, but found none. "Two years ago, I overheard John telling Greg what was going on with his father. I had noticed something before, but wasn't sure about it until that moment". He stopped. That was how, not why. The why was...harder. "John? Is the tea ready?" 

 

John nodded and brought the tea over silently.

 

Jim drank slowly. Magic solution for everything. It didn't work, of course, but gave him the time to think.  
  
"You asked why. Because I could. Because I didn't care about John. Because it gave me power, and control. Because it was better than the alternative."  
  
"I don't understand"  
  
He looked for a way of explaining it. "Why did you cut?"  
  
Sherlock looked at him, confused. "To...stop thinking. To stop feeling”

  
"There you have your answer. You hurt yourself. I hurt others. I told you: not a good person", he said bitterly.  
  
"No. I don't buy that. Your scars....they are old. Years old, more than two. What was so bad that you had to do... _that_?  
  
Jim closed his eyes, and finished his tea. " _Two years ago_...", he started. He opened his eyes, and looked at Sherlock. He couldn't lose him. "My mother had always been...unstable, mentally. Two years ago....it went worse. It's an uncommon kind of dementia, worsened by her emotional state. Two years ago she...she didn't recognised me, most times. And she...was afraid of me. I...I look a lot like _him_. The first time that happened...I....I needed something to....to stop...thinking. Hurting John was...easy"  
  
Jim paused for a moment, but nobody said anything, and he didn’t want to look at Sherlock’s face and see hate in his eyes, so he kept talking, hoping he’d understand.

 

"I told you, there's no good reason for it. I...well, I'm sure you know that by now. I need to feel in control. I know it's not a healthy way to cope, but...it was the best I had. I had no idea of why John forgave me."  
  
"Because he is the best person I've ever known", Sherlock replied.

 

"You are not...angry", Jim said, carefully.  
  
"No, I'm not. I-I can't be angry with you for a long time"  
  
Jim opened his eyes and looked at him, surprised.

 

Jim studied Sherlock for a minute, noticing the tiny details. Remembering how he had reacted at the bruise on his face. "You care about me. You really do. Even knowing what I did", he whispered, scared. He had no idea of how to react to that.  
  
Sherlock nodded, and moved a step closer. Jim saw fear in his eyes.. This wasn't supposed to happen.   
  
"But...why do you care?"  
  
Sherlock smiled, and took another step. "Because I love you", he whispered, looking him in the eyes.

  
No. That couldn't be true. "You love _John_. I can see that"  
  
"Yes. You too", he replied, moving closer.  
  
"But....But that's...not...how it works"  
  
"I'm not lying. You know that. You always know when I'm lying". Another step.   
  
He wasn't lying. And now Jim was terrified. Sherlock loved him. He opened the mouth, and closed it again. He loved Sherlock. He knew that. As much as he was able to love. But this....could he do this?   
  
Sherlock closed the distance between them and hugged Jim silently.

 

"I'm not a good person. I will hurt you", Jim muttered. He felt...too may things. Safe between Sherlock's arms. Ashamed of being so weak. Terrified of ruining everything. Exposed, vulnerable.   
  
 "Shut up", Sherlock whispered. And then he kissed him. It was soft and tender, and nothing like they had done before. The fire was still there, but it wasn't important.   
  
Jim found himself kissing him back. It was...overwhelming. It was almost too much. He could feel Sherlock's love in the kiss, and it was wonderful and terrifying. And Sherlock should have noticed something, because he stopped the kiss and hugged him again. 

"I-I don't know how to do this", Jim muttered.  
  
"Neither do I. We'll find a way", Sherlock replied, not letting him go.  
  
I love you too, he thought. Why couldn't he say it? "I'll hurt you", he said instead.   
  
"And I'll hurt you too. Shut up and kiss me”

  
Jim kissed him, trying to copy what Sherlock had done before. Slow and tender. It feel amazing.

After the kiss, Sherlock held him for a while. Jim felt tears in his eyes, but he didn’t know why. He had never felt this happy. Sherlock kept holding him silently until he  relaxed.

  
"Come, let's find John, he'd be worried"  
  
Jim looked around. John had left the room. He hadn’t even noticed. He nodded, took Sherlock’s hand and stood up.

 

He looked at Sherlock’s face. He was so happy. Jim smiled, and hugged him again. Then they walked to the patio. John was there, playing absently with his lighter. But when he saw them, he smiled.

 

Sherlock smiled back, and, without letting Jim’s hand go, he took John’s.

 

Jim still felt overwhelmed. But he knew that if he left now, he would never come back. How could Sherlock love him? And then he looked at Sherlock. He had closed his eyes, and was smiling. Maybe this would work after all. Maybe John would help him not to break Sherlock. He looked at John. He could have used this to make Sherlock hate him. It would have been easy. He hadn't. He realised that John should have talked to Sherlock about this. Sherlock on his own would never had dared to say all those things to him. Jim smiled at John, and John smiled back. Everything felt perfect.

 

 

After some time, Sherlock opened his eyes. "Now will you tell me what happened to your face?"  
  
Jim felt more relaxed, and told him about Seb and Molly, and about Greg's reaction. About how he had talked about Jim, and nobody had believed him. About how angry he had been "I knew that if he hit me he would be in trouble, so I let him do it. There were three teachers watching, he is an idiot. They expelled him for a week, and called his parents"

Sherlock looked at him, and, for the first time, Jim felt strangely exposed under his gaze.

 

 "You are not alright", Sherlock stated, squeezing his hand.  
  
"I'll survive", he replied.

 

Sherlock didn’t say anything, and kept looking at him.

 

"Stop looking at me like that, Sherlock. I've had worse."  
  
"That doesn't make it right", he replied softly

 

John nodded in agreement, looking at Jim.

 

He didn't know how to behave when people worried about him. He wasn't fine. Greg's words keep bringing back memories, and hearing him tell the truth about what had happened, laughing at him. He had kept his face calm, and called him liar. But that didn't make it any less truth. "I don't know what do you expect me to say", he managed finally

 

John shrugged. "Nothing. Just be willing to accept our support."  
 

"That's....difficult", he whispered.

 

"I know." John said softly

 

He looked at John, at the worry and understanding on his face. And then at Sherlock, who loved him. "I just want to forget about _him_. Forget what happened. But I can't. Because there's always somebody who knows, looking at me with pity. Because i'm forced to talk about it once a month with somebody who can decide about my life if I say the wrong thing. Because I only have to look at my body to remember. I'm...tired"

John closed his eyes for a moment, and then looked at Jim again. "Soon enough you'll be able to work on forgetting it. And maybe be able to look at yourself without the hate and memories."

 

Sherlock nodded, and  kissed his cheek without saying anything.   
  
Jim smiled at Sherlock, and looked at John.  "I don't think I'd ever be able to do that. It's alright. I can manage, usually. But today...to hear Greg...laugh at it...." He stopped, and looked away.

 

"Greg's a sick bastard." John said bluntly.

 

"So am I. Worse than him", he muttered.

 

"Not the same."   
  
John really believed that. But he was wrong. "How is it different?"  
   
"Because it is. You're not a bad person. You've just done bad things. Greg is a bad person."  
  
"There are not good or bad people, John. There are just...People. I've done bad things. Willingly. Several times. You shouldn't trust me"  
  
"Yet you've done good things too and proved yourself as trustworthy."  
  
Had he? He had promised Sherlock to keep John safe. It had been just another deal, but, somewhere in the way, he had started to care. "Thank you", he replied.  
   
None of them talked for awhile, but it was a comfortable silence, and, slowly, Jim relaxed. They knew him, and liked him despite it. 

 

And Sherlock...loved him.

 


	49. Chapter 49

It was nice, being here with them, but Jim still had questions. Slowly, he kissed Sherlock’s cheek.. "So...what happened today? You decided you didn't want to go to school?"  
   
Sherlock blushed, and opened his eyes. "Something like that, yes", he muttered.  
  
Jim looked at John. He was smiling, but his cheeks were slightly...pink. He observed Sherlock carefully. And then he noticed it: a mark on Sherlock's neck. One he hadn't left there. He glanced at John, and smirked. "I see"  
  
That made John blush too, but he kept smiling. Jim didn’t mind. Quite the opposite. It clearly made Sherlock happy. And John. It was good to see them like this.

  
"We should go inside. I brought you some notes from school.", he said without moving    
  
"It's so nice, here. Surely it can wait for five minutes", Sherlock replied, squeezing his hand  
  
John chuckled. "Sure."  
  
"Five minutes sound reasonable", Jim replied. He was missing something, by the way Sherlock and John had just looked at each other,  but he didn't mind. "There's a lot of things you can do in five minutes, you know?", he teased. And, for some reason, that made Sherlock blush even more. He laughed. It was so cute.  

  
John snorted, clearly remembering something. "A lot of things." he agreed.  
  
"Oh, shut up, you two", Sherlock muttered..  
   
"Make me", Jim replied.  
   
Sherlock stared at him. Then he glanced at John nervously, and then, without releasing John's hand, he kissed Jim.

 

Jim hadn’t expected it to work. Not with John there. Sherlock kissed him softly, but Jim kissed him back, and turned the kiss into a passionate one. Then he moved away, breathing heavily, and glanced at John.   
  
John rolled his eyes at them, highly amused.  
  
Good, apparently John was okay with this. He decided to play a bit more.  "You still have two minutes", he told Sherlock, smiling.

Sherlock looked at him confused, and Jim looked at John. Sherlock followed his gaze, and nodded slightly, smiling. Then he turned around, and, very slowly, pressed his lips against John’s.

 

Jim kept holding Sherlock’s hand, and Sherlock didn’t try to let go. He looked at them while they kissed, and the smile didn’t leave his lips. Sherlock was so confident. And the tension that was always in John's body was gone.  
 

Jim observed their faces after the kiss. Now it was clear why they hadn’t gone to school today. "Let's go inside, then. We can study for an hour, and then... _rest_ again."  
  
John chuckled and stood up. "Sounds good to me."  
  
Sherlock nodded, blushing again, and Jim followed them inside. He opened his bags and gave Sherlock his Maths notes. Then he looked at John. "History?"  
  
"Please." he nodded, sitting down.  
  
He gave John the notes, and started to study. It was strangely comfortable.  
   
After a while, Jim glanced at Sherlock. He was looking at his notes, but wasn't reading them. Then he looked up, their eyes met and Sherlock blushed. He smiled and went back to his own notes.  
  
After some time, John lay his head in his arms on the table, chin resting on his arms.  
  
Jim glanced at his watch. 25 minutes. Then he looked at Sherlock, who hadn't read a single line, and at John, who clearly wasn't planning to study in the near future. "Fine. I give up.", he muttered, closing his book. They had the whole weekend, after all.

 

He put everything back in his bag, and hesitated. He wasn't used to spending time with people. There was Seb, but they knew each other enough that they didn’t need to ask. And, besides school, they almost only met for studying. And there was Molly, too. She liked watching telly and reading, which gave Jim time to think. But he had no idea of what people did for fun, besides that.  
  
John  sighed. "We could watch a movie?"

  
Sherlock smiled at that. "We could always try again with _The lord of the rings._ We never seem to be able to finish it"  
  
He nodded, chuckling. "We barely got through the first one."  
  
"Are they good? I haven't seen then", Jim asked, curious.  
   
 Sherlock stared at him, surprised. "You haven't? What about the books?"  
   
Jim shook his head. His father didn't like him reading fiction. He said it was a waste of time. And after he had...left, Jim had been too busy. Besides, old habits were difficult to break.  
   
"That's that then, we're watching them." John said, standing up. "Even I've seen them."  
  
Jim looked away, uncomfortably. "My father believed that fiction was a waste of time", he muttered.  
  
John didn’t say anything, and left the room.   
  
"You should read the books." Sherlock said softly taking Jim's hand.  
   
Jim didn't say anything, and followed Sherlock, sitting besides him. "So...what is it about?"  
   
"It's about... a war. There's an...artifact, a ring made by the bad guy. And the good guys are trying  to destroy it to win the war"

John came back, and put the movie in. Then he  sat on the opposite couch with a yawn.   
 

Jim watched the fim silently. After a while, he felt Sherlock's head resting on his shoulder. He didn't move, unsure of how to react. He glanced at John, nervously. John smiled, and discreetly mouthed. "Relax."

 

It was easier to say that to do. Jim forced his body to relax (that was easy), and tried to focus on the film. It didn't work. He nodded at John, and kept trying.  
    
   
His body tensed again, and he fought for remaining relaxed. Nobody was threatening him, he wasn't in danger, nobody was hurting him. Why was he scared? He had to get out of here. He fought the impulse, knowing that it was irrational, but it was too strong. He kissed Sherlock's head, and got up, as slowly as he could manage when all his instincts shouted him to run. "I'll be right back", he whispered, trying to keep his voice controlled. Without waiting for an answer, he headed to the bathroom.  
 

 

Jim closed the door and sat on the floor, burying his head in his knees. He was pathetic. He closed his eyes, and focused on his breathing, trying to calm down.   
   
He felt broken, for the first time in years. What was wrong with him? He couldn't do this. It made him feel too vulnerable, too exposed. He loved Sherlock, and it was terrifying. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. Let him see how he really was, let him this close. He couldn't. He knew he should go back, but even that was too difficult.

 

He lost track of time, and was so focused on his thoughts that the soft knock on the door startled him.   
  
He wasn't in control, not even near. But it was the best he could do, and he knew it. He got up, and relaxed his body. Then he kept his face carefully blank, and opened the door.

John was there. He didn’t say anything, and opened his arms to Jim, face calm and assuring.  
  
He hesitated. And then he remembered how comforting it had felt when Molly had hugged him. He trusted John much more than her. John knew him, and he...understood. It was a weakness, needing this. He moved a step closer to John, and stopped again. Weak. Pathetic. He looked at John's eyes, but there wasn't pity there. There was calm, and understanding. He closed his eyes, and remembered John's words _. Just be willing to accept out support_. He took the final step, and buried his face in John's chest.

It helped. More than anything he could have done on his own. Slowly, he relaxed. He couldn't do this alone, but he wasn't alone in it. It was still frightening, but...maybe it was worth it. Suddenly he felt ashamed. Who needs help to have a relationship? He would never be normal, and would never be able to have a normal life.

 

John hugged  him tighter, rubbing his back slowly. Nobody had done that before. It made him feel...safe. It was an strange feeling, and he needed a minute to identify it. "I'm sorry", he muttered finally, without moving away.

 

"Don't be." John said softly.

 

"How do you do it?", he whispered

 

"Grit and bear it for a while until it starts to make sense. Then just hope for the best."

 

"I love him", he replied, scared.

 

"I know you do, and that's okay."

 

"No, you don't understand", he whispered, closing his eyes. "I'm not suposed to be able to do that"

 

  
"What do you mean?"

 

He didn't know if he could talk about that. Or why it was so hard. But...he felt....safe. He had never felt like this. "I never had, before. Love, empathy, caring...they said...it was beyond me. They spent months...testing me....I....I read the report. The copy they gave my mother when I was allowed to leave"  
   
He hugged Jim tighter. "Well they were wrong. They are always wrong. And people can change."  
   
   
"I don't know if I can do this", he whispered. The game was easier, safer, familiar. This was....frightening.  
   
   
"You didn't think we could ever be friends. You didn't think you were a good person. I think you can do this. Just.. It's just me and Sherlock and you. We won't hurt you. We care."  
   
   
Why did they care? It made no sense. But John wasn't lying, he really believed that. "I...I'll try", he muttered. He was scared. "Will you..." he hesitated. Saying it was difficult, very difficult. It made him feel weak. "Will you...help me?"  
   
"Course I will. I promise." He assured, hugging Jim tightly one last time before stepping away.  
   
 He was still scared, but he hid it. John would know, and Sherlock probably would notice, too. What was the point of hiding? He realised that it helped him to feel in control. Hiding was...familiar. "Let's go back, then"  
   
He nodded, walking very slowly to the room, giving Jim time to compose himself.  
    
Jim didn't say anything. He felt ashamed of needing help, of having asked. If John wanted, he could destroy him. But he wanted this. He thought about the moment in the patio, how...accepted he had felt. About the other night, and the way Sherlock had trusted him. He wanted to try. He sat silently where he had been before.  
   
Sherlock looked at Jim, but didn't say anything. They watched the film silently for a while. And then Sherlock took his hand.   
   
Jim tensed at the contact, and forced himself to relax again. It was....nice. He wasn't sure what to do, and he started to think about the possibilities, when he noticed he was tensing again. Relax. He tried to focus on the screen, but he hadn't paid attention before, and didn't make much sense.

 

"How about a different movie? More up beat?" John suggested

 

Jim nodded, relieved.  
  
"We'll never finish to see it", replied Sherlock, smiling. "Fine. You choose"

 

John hummed, looking through the collection. "How about Heathers?" he asked.

 

Jim had never heard of that film, but he nodded.

 

He watched the film silently, slowly getting used to the sensation of Sherlock’s hand holding his. At first, he was absorbed by the power dynamics of the school. It wasn't as interesting as real life, but it was interesting. And then things got worse and worse. People started to hurt each other, and one of the girl was killed.  This was another reason why he didn't watch films: weren't things difficult enough in real life? "Sherlock? Why didn't you finish watching the other film before?", he asked, trying to distract his mind.

  
 To his surprise, Sherlock blushed. "Oh, I see", Jim replied, smiling. He decided to ignore the film. It was much easier to ignore than real life. "It looked pretty romantic, yes. It was about a war, you said?"  
   
 "Y...yes."  
  
John turned the tv off, and looked uncomfortable. Jim should probably say something, but he didn’t want to talk about why the movie had made him uncomfortable, so he focused on Sherlock, reading his body language, and tried to forgot about anything else. He realised Sherlock was nervous, too, and it helped. Strange.  
   
 "You want to kiss me", Jim stated. "Wait. No. You want me to kiss you.", he corrected, surprised.  
   
 Sherlock nodded.

It still was frightening, but he felt more in control. He could do this. "Ask me what you want", he said softly, squeezing his hand.  
   
Sherlock glanced at John, unsure. John nodded a tiny bit, winking slyly.  
  
"Kiss me?"  
   
Jim looked him in the eyes, and slowly, took Sherlock's hand to his lips and placed a kiss on it.  
   
Sherlock stared at him with wide eyes. "I....I...didn't mean...."  
   
 "I know. On my terms, remember? And you asked for a kiss"  
   
 Sherlock stared at him, thinking. "You know what I want. You always know."

 "I want you to ask"  
   
 "Another kiss. Not on the hand"  
   
 Jim knew what Sherlock wanted, and it wasn't a kiss. It was something much more difficult to give to him: intimacy, trust, closeness. Without releasing his hand, he pressed his lips against Sherlock's wrist, and kept them there, feeling Sherlock's pulse, fast and uneven under his lips. John was there, but Jim didn’t mind. In fact, it made things easier. If something went wrong, John would be there.

 

He focused on Sherlock again. He had closed his eyes. "Jim. Please. Kiss me, like you did before, in the kitchen".  
   
He could do this as long as he felt in control. Sherlock asking made him feel that way.

It was difficult. Jim understood desire, control and power. Love and intimacy...that was new. But the way Sherlock had reacted to his kiss before, and the way he had asked him to kiss him...he couldn't say no to that. So he kissed him, with all the love he had. Like before, it was wonderful and terrifying at the same time, and almost too much. It was perfect, and he barely could stand it. He didn't let his hand go, and that helped. After the kiss, he didn't say anything, and kept holding his hand.  
   
Jim kept silent for a while, regaining control.  
   
"So this is why people like watching films. _Now_ I understand", he said when he felt recovered enough.   
   
Sherlock didn’t reply, and blushed, resting his head on Jim’s shoulder again.  
  
Jim wasn't sure of what to do now. But Sherlock looked comfortable, so he tried to relax. He looked at John, who was lying on the couch, with his eyes closed. He was breathing deeply. Asleep.

  
"Sherlock? I'm going to ask you something, and I want an honest answer, alright?"  
   
 "Alright"  
   
 "Why do you love me?"  
   
 "I...I don't have a reason. Because...because you are different. Interesting. Because you are you"  
   
 Jim didn't say anything. It didn’t make much sense.  
   
 "Will you stay tonight?"  
   
 "Maybe", he replied, glancing at John, again. "Now...go and find a blanket for John, and then we can start to cook something for dinner"

 Sherlock nodded, and got up.

John cracked an eye open when Sherlock left. "Okay?" he asked softly.

 "Yes. No. Honestly? I have no idea.", he muttered. "Is it always like this?"  
  
 "Not always. It get's easier."  
  
"I hope so", he answered. "He...he really loves me. How can he love me?"

"I ask myself that question about him loving me every day. He just.. Sees the good and falls for it. I guess we're worth loving." he said softly.  
 

He wasn't. He had read about love, and the qualities that inspired it. Loyalty, beauty,...nothing he had. He wasn't a good person. But he wasn't going to discuss that with John. "He asked me to stay", he said instead.  
   
 "Will you?"  
 

 "Will you be okay with it if I stay?"  
 

 "I have been the other times." he pointed out.  
 

 "Yes, but given that today you two..." He stopped, hating how unsure this made him feel. Maybe John had only tolerated this arrangement because there where things he hadn't been able to give to Sherlock, and now...now that he could...no. He had to stop things like that.  
 

"It doesn't change anything. And I know what you're thinking. Don't."

It was an habit, he was always looking for something bad to happen. Was he that obvious? "I'll stay, then", he said finally.  
 

"Good." he nodded, closing his eyes again as he got comfortable.  
    
"So you tried, with Sherlock. And it was good", he said, standing up.  
   
"Yes. Though under difficult circumstances."  
  
"You sleep together, every night" That should be...difficult.

We just sleep. I don't... cuddle."

 

"It requires a lot of trust, letting somebody see you...vulnerable", Jim.replied softly

  
John nodded. "I know.. It's.. Terrifying."

 

"How do you do it?", he asked, looking away.   
  
"I.. I don't know. I just do.. I think.. It's because when my dad attacked me and Sherlock found me, I asked to be held.. That put it in motion."

 

Jim nodded. If Sherlock had been with John after his father had attacked him, he had seen it at his most vulnerable state. After that, everything would be easier.   
  
"It's...weird, but...i think this can work. At least...I think I can try, with you here. You...understand"

  
"I'll help where I can. I get it."  
    
John and Sherlock were good together. It was stupid to offer. And yet..."If I can help in any way...just tell it"  
    
"Thanks, Jim"


	50. Chapter 50

Finally Sherlock came back with a blanket in his hand. John looked up and smiled at Sherlock. "Hey, you."  
    
Sherlock smiled back, and handed him the blanket. "Not much use for it now"  
    
"Dunno about that, I'm a bit cold." John replied, draping it over himself.  
    
Sherlock kissed his cheek, smiling. "Idiot"  
   
John snorted, rolling his eyes. "Me? As if."

" _My_ idiot", Sherlock replied in a whisper, leaning to kiss him.  
 

John blushed lightly, ducking under the blanket.  
 

Jim observed them, realising how fool he had been to think he could help _them_. He needed some space; too many emotions for one day, it was exhausting. He got up, and headed towards the kitchen. "I'll cook dinner. Any suggestions?"

 

None of them said anything, and he kept hearing whispers under the blanket. He should feel jealous, he guessed. Instead, he just feel lonely. But he was used to that.   
 

Jim looked in the fridge. Like always, there was everything. After thinking for a while, he decided to prepare chicken parmesan. He had all the ingredients. He preheated the oven as he prepared the sauce. Then he fried the chicken and put everything together with the cheese on top, and put it in the oven. Then he went back to the living room.  
  
He found John and Sherlock sitting on the couch, under the blanket. John had his eyes closed and was totally relaxed between Sherlock’s arms.  He walked to a chair, not wanting to interrupt.  
  
"Come here, you idiot", Sherlock said with a smile

 

Fifteen minutes until the food was ready. Surely he could manage fifteen minutes. He smiled, and raised an eyebrow. "Idiot?"  
  
"Yes, idiot. You were thinking on sitting on your own"  
  
"You two looked...comfortable"  
  
"Idiot"  
  
He walked showing a confidence he wasn't feeling. Sherlock moved the blanket and he sat down. What was he supposed to do now?

 

John reached over and flopped some blanket onto Jim, patting his arm encouragingly. It was...strangely comfortable. Slowly, he began to relax.  
  
"Will you stay tonight?" asked Sherlock.   
  
There were no classes tomorrow. John had said he was okay with it. And he didn’t want to go home and be alone there.  "Yes", he replied, closing his eyes. He was tired.  It had been a long day. Last night, fearing that Sherlock would hate him, he had barely slept. And today, he had confronted Greg at school, and all these.... _emotions_. Exhausting.  
  
The alarm of the oven startled Jim. Had he fallen asleep? He had his head on Sherlock's shoulder. It was...nice.   
  
 "Dinner's ready?", Sherlock asked softly  
  
"Yes", Jim replied, half asleep

 

John sighed. "I'll take care of it. You two stay", he told them, standing with a small yawn.

 

Jim looked at Sherlock. How had he managed to relax and fall asleep close to somebody?   
  
"Jim, stop thinking. I can almost hear you worrying"  
  
"You called me idiot"  
  
Sherlock blushed. "I didn't mean it like that"  
  
Jim sighted, and closed his eyes. He was so tired.... "I know, Sherlock"

 

"Jim?"  
  
"Yes, Sherlock?", he replied without opening his eyes.  
  
"When was the last time you slept?", Sherlock asked, hesitant.  
  
"I'm fine, Sherlock"  
  
"Not what I asked. Did you sleep last night?"  
  
Jim could lie, and Sherlock would never know. But he was tired of lying. "No"  
  
He felt Sherlock’s body tensing besides him, and regretted having said it."Now _I_ can hear _you_ thinking. I am fine, Sherlock. I can stay awake for five days, if I need to"

 

"If...If I do something wrong...you...you have to tell me. I...I want this to work."  
  
That made him open his eyes. "If _you_ do something wrong? And you say I am the idiot?"  
  
"B...But..."  
  
"Oh, Sherlock, shut up", he said, kissing him. What could Sherlock possibly do wrong? The kiss was soft and tender. He still had to get used to those.   
  
"..."  
  
Jim smiled. He had never thought he'd see Sherlock speechless

 

 

John came back with the food, served in bowls, and they ate in silence. Jim was surprised of how...natural this felt. He had never been this comfortable with people before. No need for masks, no need of pretending to be what he wasn't.

 

He was a bit nervous about the food, though. He had never cooked for other people, apart from his mother. But they seemed to like it. Sherlock finished it, and John ate most of it.   
  
Both of them thanked him, and he relaxed again. Sherlock looked a bit...ashamed. He frowned.

 

“Sherlock? What’s wrong?”

 

“I can’t cook”, he replied, looking at his feet.

  
"Are you serious? You are the best lab partner I've ever had, and you can't cook?"  
  
"I've only tried once"  
  
"Only once? So...what did you do before John moved in? You had people cooking for you?"  
  
"Well....I used to", Sherlock replied, awkward.

 

"How did you...manage alone?", Jim asked, in a softer tone  
  
"Well....have you opened the freezer?"  
  
"No"  
  
"I think I could live for months of the food in there. My mother hired people to keep it full. I had no word on it"

 

It was weird, definitely. And he had never seen anybody else in the house. He glanced at John, who was moving the food in the bowl nervously

 

"You don't have to finish it if you don't want to"

 

John looked up, startled. "I know."

 

Jim got up and the bowls to the kitchen. Once there he called home to check on his mother. No changes, which was a good thing. Sometimes he didn't know why he bothered to call, she didn't even notice. 

When he came back, Sherlock looked at him, worried. "You alright?"  
  
"Yes, just tired", he replied, sitting down besides Sherlock again. It wasn't a lie, nor totally true

 

Sherlock didn't say anything, and Jim didn't feel the need to fill the silence. It was....comfortable. He closed his eyes, just for a second. 

_In his dreams, his father was already gone. That wasn't frequent. It was night, he was half asleep, there was somebody close to him. Danger. Only two people came close to him in the night, and they only came for one reason. He had tried everything, had begged them not to, had offered anything to leave him alone, had threatened to tell. They just laughed  Who would believe a crazy boy? He could feel their hands on his skin, and he couldn't move, couldn't do anything._  
   
And then he felt a hand oh his shoulder, and jumped at the contact. Why couldn't they leave him alone? "No, no, no, please", he stammered.

 

There were voices around him, but he was too scared to pay attention.

 

"Sherlock, don't"

 

The hand moved away, and he relaxed slightly.

 

"Jim, wake up. It's not real. They're not there. They can't hurt you."

 

Not real. It is not real. But it had been real. A memory, not a nightmare. No. It was over. He fought to wake up, to follow that voice. He trusted that voice. It went on an on, it hurt in a way beyond the physical pain. But he kept trying to wake up. Finally he managed it. He wasn't alone. Sherlock and John were staring at him, and he felt again the irrational instinct to run away and hide. He felt...ashamed, and had no idea of what to say

 

John slowly patted Jim's knee. "You're safe", he said softly.

 

His body moved away from the touch without his conscious control. He felt pathetic. He looked at John, because he didn't want to see the expression on Sherlock's eyes. Safe. Everybody kept saying that, and it had always been a lie.

 

John held Jim's gaze steadily. "You are safe here. Nobody will get you."

 

Slowly, his mind cleared from the dream. It was over. If only his mind could remember that when he was sleeping....And then it hit him. They had seen it, they _knew_. He closed his eyes, and nodded. "I know". Of course, it was over. He hadn't dreamt about it in years. Why now? "I..." His instincts told him to run away. _When had it solved anything?_. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "I'm fine", he lied. "Sorry"

 

John shook his head. "I'm making you tea. Medicine to all." He said knowingly standing up. He glanced briefly at Sherlock before looking meaningfully at Jim, as if it so say ' Sherlock doesn't know what it was about.'

 

Jim forced his body to relax, and hid his emotions as good as he could. Then, slowly, looked at Sherlock, who was clearly feeling uncomfortable. "I'm fine", he repeated.  
  
"Of course. You are always fine.", Sherlock muttered.

  
Hesitant, Jim took Sherlock's hand and squeezed it. "I'm fine. This is...normal. I'm not used to waking up with people around, that's all"

  
"Jim? How can I help?"  
  
Jim looked at him, and remained silent for a moment, thinking. "I don't know, Sherlock. But...stop asking me if I am fine"  
  
"Okay"

 

They stayed silent, holding hands, until John came back with the tea, smiling at them.

 

Jim smiled back, but it was forced. Sherlock kept staring at him, clearly wanting to ask. He always wanted to know everything.

 

He drank his tea slowly. Maybe it wasn't magic, but it helped him to relax. "Go on. Ask"  
  
Sherlock looked at John, unsure. John glanced at him, and then nodded at Sherlock.

 

"You said...this is...normal", Sherlock said slowly.  
  
"That is not a question", Jim replied  
  
Sherlock couldn't help a smile. "What did you mean with normal?"  
  
"It means....regular. I don't remember sleeping without nightmares. But...dreams can't hurt you"  
  
John looked at him in a strange way, He looked almost...sad. "Dreams or memories?"  
  
Jim realised that his hands were trembling slightly, and focused on controlling it. "Same thing"  
  
"What was it about?", Sherlock asked, gently.  
  
Jim hesitated. He had never told anybody. "After...after my father was arrested, I spent nineteen months in...a psychiatric institution. It wasn't...a nice place."  
  
Sherlock and John waited, but Jim didn't elaborate.He couldn't. Sherlock would never look at him in the same way if he knew. "It was just a memory. It's over". It wasn’t. They could still sent him back there, after the evaluation. But John had promised to help, and even if it went wrong, he'd run away before going back there.

 

Jim thought about asking Sherlock to talk to his therapist. But dismissed the idea almost immediately. What could he say? That he was dating Jim,  and John too? That Jim had made him cut himself? That they had a weekly deal? The deals. What was he going to do with that? "I'm tired. Same room as the other day?", he muttered.  
  
Sherlock and John looked at each other, and John nodded. "Need anything?"

 

He had only the clothes he was wearing. "Maybe...an old shirt, or something like that"

 

"I'll find you something." John told him, rising to go upstairs to look for something.

 

Jim got up too, wanting the day to be over.

 

"Jim, wait"  
  
He stopped and turned around to look at Sherlock. "Yes?"  
  
"Thank you for staying", he replied, kissing his cheek  
  
Jim smiled, and moved his head to kiss Sherlock's lips. "See you tomorrow", he whispered, walking upstairs behind John.


	51. Chapter 51

Jim followed John into Sherlock’s room. No. Into John’s and Sherlock’s room. They had clearly been sharing it for a while. John glanced at him, and took a shirt from a drawer. Jim took it. It would be a bit big, but he didn't mind. It was long sleeved, and would cover his arms. Wait. Big? Sherlock’s. He looked at John, feeling a bit unsure

 

"John? When I was sleeping, did I...say anything?"

 

"All you said was ' No no no, please.' "John replied. "I woke you straight after."

 

He relaxed, relieved. Sherlock couldn't know, from just that. John, on the other hand...He studied him carefully. "You didn't touch me to wake me up"

 

"Of course not. I know it doesn't work, especially in our situation."

 

"Is it so obvious?", he asked after a minute

 

"No, not really. Only if you know what it's like. From what you've told me, I don't think you'd have said that to your father. And it was obvious in the way you flinched away from Sherlock when he tried to wake you by touching you."

 

He shivered at the idea of saying those words to his father. "No, not to my father. As I told Sherlock...the centre wasn't a nice place. Do you think he noticed?"

 

"I doubt it."   
    
"Good. Nobody knows. I like it that way"  
    
"Does it bother you that I know?"  
    
He remained silent, thinking. "No", he said, finally. "If you wanted to hurt me, you could do it anyway. Besides, if you told, nobody would believe you. And...", he stopped, and looked at him  "...you understand"  
    
"I understand." John repeated in a whisper.  
    
"Don't..." he stopped. Of course John wouldn't tell Sherlock.  
    
"You don't even need to ask."  
     
"I know", he replied.  
    
John nodded. "Right. Just call if you need anything, okay?"  
    
He wanted Sherlock in his bed, without having to worry about nightmares. Because...it had probably been Sherlock's presence what had triggered this. He hadn't thought about it in years. He wanted to  be able to trust John totally and tell him about it, but... "Okay", he replied, tired.  
    
"Sleep in as long as you want." John said gently

    
He doubted he could sleep at all. "See you in the morning", he replied, walking to the other room.

 

Jim closed the door behind him, and changed into Sherlock’s shirt. It was too long, but he didn’t mind. It smelt a bit like Sherlock.

 

He lay on the bed, and then changed his mind. He didn't dare to sleep. What if he had another nightmare and they hear again? Maybe staying hadn't been a good idea. He started pacing across the room, nervous.

 

 

About an hour later he heard them coming upstairs, and he lay on the bed again, not wanting to make any noise. He heard them giggling, and then kissing, and then they must have closed their door, because he didn’t hear anything else.   
    
He was tired, and, after a while, he got up again. He knew that if he stayed in bed he would fall asleep. He hadn't thought about _that_ for years, and now he couldn't stop thinking about it. Sleeping pills would only make it worse, even if they had them in the house. Finally, when the walls of the room started to look oppressive, he decided to go downstairs and make some coffee. Trying to remain silent, he opened the door.

 

He walked downstairs as silently as he could, hoping they didn’t hear him. Then he went to the kitchen, and started to make coffee. When it was done, he served the coffee in a mug, cleaned everything and went back upstairs.

The room of Sherlock's room was opened. He glanced inside silently. Sherlock was alone, and looked miserable. He thought about entering and talking to Sherlock, but...his legs weren't covered, and Jim still wasn't ready to let Sherlock see his scars, not after what had happened last time.  Had John and Sherlock fought again?  Where was John? The door of the bathroom was closed. He knocked softly. "John? Are you alright?"

 

 "Nightmare." he replied through the door.  
 

"I made coffee. Do you want some?", he offered, unsure. He wasn't good at comforting people.

 

"That... would be nice."

 

He thought about his legs again. But...John hadn't even looked, last time. "Come out, then. Or at least open the door. I can do a lot of things, but walking through doors isn't one of them"

 

John opened the door, raising an eyebrow. "I'd say you probably can." he replied stepping out shakily.

 

"Don't believe everything you hear", he replied with a tiny smile. "Here. You can have it.", he said, giving him the mug. John seemed to need it more than he did.

 

"I'll just have a bit." John muttered, taking a couple of sips of the hot drink before giving it back.

 

He took it and drank a bit. He had made it strong, in order to help him to stay awake. He offered the mug to John again. "We can share. But don't drink it if you are planning to sleep"

 

"I won't be sleeping for a while." John replied. taking another sip, and passing it back after a moment.

 

He took it without saying anything, drank a bit more and gave it back. "I thought you had had a fight", he said softly.

 

John held the cup in his hands, thankful for the warmth. "I would have rathered that." he muttered guiltily, taking another sip and handing it back. "He always blames himself for this too."  
 

"It's not his fault. Nightmares are...difficult to control. Maybe it was our conversation what triggered it.", he said, drinking and giving the mug back. "But even in that case, that wouldn't make it my fault"

 

"It's no one's fault, but my own." John shrugged, drinking and handing it back, leaning against the door frame.

 

"I used to believed that. But it's not true. You can't control nightmares", he replied, taking the cup, drinking a bit and giving it back.

 

"I meant the reasons behind them." He muttered, looking down into the mug as he took a drink, handing it back.

 

"I used to tell you that, didn't I? It makes you feel..." He closed his eyes for a second, and drank a bit more. "I know there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I know, because I tried everything. It still feels like it was my fault. Irrational. And false", he added, handing the mug back. It was like some weird drinking game. Admit something, take a drink, pass it on. Therapeutic.

 

John took it, biting his lip. "I always felt like it was my fault, even before you.." he shook his head. "I did everything I could but it never stopped." He took a drink, and passed him the mug

 

"I know", he replied, taking a drink. "That's why I knew what to say to get to you. It's...weird. I had almost forgotten. But....feeling somebody close when I was sleeping..." He handed the mug back. "I don't know how you can do it"

 

John shook his head. "I don't sleep much. And when I do it's usually when I can barely talk, I'm so tired. Doesn't help much." he took a drink, handing it back. They were already halfway through.

 

Jim drank silently and gave the mug back to John. "I can't go back there", he said, looking away

 

"You won't." John said firmly, taking a sip and giving the mug back to Jim.

 

He drank slowly, and looked at John. "I won't. I'd rather run away. I have money, I can do that". He gave him the mug. "Same goes for you. If you need a way out. Just say it".

 

John chuckled. "I'll remember that." he assured, taking a drink. "It's going to get very messy soon."  
 

"Yes", he said, softly. The trial would be messy. He remembered that John had agreed to talk to his therapist. Maybe it would be fine. But he always liked to have an emergency plan.

 

"I'm going to call my sister tomorrow. Tell her what's going on. If she's sober enough", John whispered

 

"Does she know what was going on? That would help, too", he said, drinking slowly. The mug was almost empty.

 

"She acts like she doesn't. She moved out a few years ago, when she could still pretend it wasn't happening. They never once touched her and she always said it was my own fault." John shrugged, though his voice grew thick. "I still keep an eye on her now. I didn't need to take the brunt of it. I took so she didn't have to. Now she just drinks herself into oblivion."

 

He gave the mug to John so he could finish it. "It will be fine. There's evidence against your father, and he was seen attacking Sherlock. And...I could testify against your mother. They took photographs of the bruises, after all."

 

John finished the coffee with closed eyes and nodded. "Thank you." he sighed.

 

"I could lie, too. Say that you told me years ago. Say that I saw you hurt", he added, taking the empty mug.

 

"No, it's fine. You don't need to lie for me."

 

"It's not a lie. I've known for years"

 

"Yes, but not under the best circumstances."

 

He smiled sadly. "No, not the best circumstances". He looked at John for a moment, wondering if he should say something else. "You should go back, he'd be worried"

 

John sighed and nodded "See you in a few hours, I guess. When it's a reasonable time and not five am."

 

He nodded. The idea of going back to his room right now make him uncomfortable, but John was right.

 

"You could take a shower or whatever to use up time. Watch a movie or tv."

 

"I know. I'll be fine, John.", he lied. He needed to find his balance again. Too many emotions, it was exhausting.

 

A shower would help him to relax. Maybe. Because, no matter what John had said...Sherlock hadn't gone to his room. He hadn't expected it, not after having seen the marks on his neck, but a part of him felt disappointed. Slowly, he took off his clothes and walked inside the shower.

 

 

Jim had no idea of how long he had been under the water, but it didn't feel enough. Who was he trying to fool? He couldn't do this. He was better alone. Safer. He kept his eyes closed, and tried to relax and think rationally.

 

Think rationally. Fine. There was some facts he couldn't deny. Sherlock loved him. He loved Sherlock. He trusted John, like he had never trusted anybody. They had seen him weak; they knew about him. And they _didn't mind_. Those were the facts, but he had no explanation for them. And...It was clear that Sherlock and John loved each other, and were happy. Where did he fit? He had no idea. Probably nowhere. But the idea of going back to before, to the game....It was easier, yes, but it felt empty. He wanted this. even if it brought back memories that he wanted to forget. The warm water felt good on his skin, and slowly, his mind started to relax.

 

Jim knew that he had to get out. His skin was starting to wrinkle. But...the alternative was his empty room. So he stayed under the warm water, losing track of time.  
  
Finally, Jim stepped out of the shower, He wrapped himself in a towel, went to his room and got dressed. He noticed that Sherlock and John weren't in the room. What had happened? He started to search the house, worried.   
  
Jim found them in the patio. John was sitting on the grass crying, and Sherlock was sitting nearby, clearly wanting to touch him but not daring to. Something had happened. He saw the phone on the grass, and remembered John's words. He had called his sister. And...the results hadn’t been good. He stayed at the door for a minute. Where did he fit? Should he do something? He glanced at Sherlock's face. He looked so lost...

  
"I'm going to make tea. Come inside, both of you", he said, going back inside.  
  
Jim didn't look at them as they entered, and continued preparing the tea. At least they were holding hands.

 

He served the tea, and gave a mug to Sherlock, who took it with his left hand without saying anything. Then he gave another to John. "Magic cure for everything", he said softly, before turning to get his own.

 

John managed a ghost of a smile. "Thanks." he whispered, his voice hoarse as he took a sip.

 

Jim sat silently. He still felt confused, and the memory of the dream kept coming back, but this was more important. He drank slowly, remembering the mug of coffee they had shared before.   
  
"We could do something today. Go out, have fun. Well, not right now, it's six in the morning, but...what do you say?", he said after a while.  
  
Sherlock looked at John, unsure.

 

"Sounds like a good idea." John whispered.

 

"You decide what to do, then", Jim replied smiling.   
  
"Uh... We could.. Go to that amusement park that's opening up for the summer."

 

"Sounds fun", Jim replied softly. "I have to stop home for a minute, but I'm sure it won't be a problem"

 

They looked at Sherlock, seeing his worry. "It's on the outskirts of town, nobody usually goes until nearer the end of the school year, when they have a lot of money on them" John  assured.

 

Sherlock smiled, relaxing a bit. "Yeah, sounds fun"

 

John smiled and looked at Jim. "You should ask Sebastian and Molly."

 

"Maybe not right now", he replied with a smile. If he texted Seb now, he would think something had happened to him. And...same thing for Molly, in fact.

 

John rolled his eyes. "Well, obviously."

 

"I'll ask them. But I warn you, they will be....focused on each other"

 

Sherlock looked at Jim. "They are serious?" It wasn't what he wanted to ask. He wondered if Jim still liked Molly. But...he couldn't ask that, not while having John too.  
  
Jim smiled. "Yes. The three of us spent a lot of time together, and, when Molly and I broke up, they....well, spent a lot of time together"

 

John nodded, a small smile on his face. "Good for them."

 

Jim smiled. "It was...sweet. Both of them asked me first if I was okay with it"  
  
Sherlock looked at Jim. "Were you?"  
  
"Of course. They are good for each other. And Molly and I...It wasn't working"

 

John raised his eyebrows, sipping his tea silently.

 

Jim took another sip. "She is amazing, you know. Clever, sweet. But..."  
  
Sherlock stared at him, confused. "But what?"  
  
Jim smiled sadly, remembering that kiss. "It's...complicated. It started for the wrong reason, and...well, there's the tiny detail of me being in love with you". Wait. Had he really said that?

 

 


	52. Chapter 52

Sherlock stared at him, speechless. John’s eyebrows rose further, smirking behind his cup.

 

"Stop looking at me that way. Surely you knew, I wasn't precisely subtle"  
  
Smiling, Sherlock took Jim's hand, with his free one. "Because you are always so easy to read. Idiot"  
  
Jim smiled back, and squeezed Sherlock's hand. "Shut up"

 

John smiled, rolling his eyes at them. "Let's be honest here. You're both idiots."

 

Jim looked at John, still smiling. "You shut up, too."  
  
John snorted, raising his eyebrows impossibly higher, a challenge. "Make me." he joked.

  
 Jim's smile broadened. "Is that a challenge?"  
   
 He smirked. "It is."  
  
"Any rules?", he asked, still smiling.  
  
 "Nothing painful or disgusting?" he offered.  
  
"Oh, you are making this too easy. Anything else?"  
  
"Is there anything I should add, to make it difficult?"

"Oh, maybe next time. And you should know i cheat. So...make you shut up. Without anything painful or disgusting. I think I can do that. Do you want to bet?"  
   
 "Bet you.. A tenner, you can't. It's all I have."  
  
"Not money. Money is boring. What about...a question? If I can do it, you answer honestly to the question I ask you. If I can't, you can ask anything"  
   
 He rolled his eyes. "Fine. Deal."

 He squeezed Sherlock's hand. Sherlock opened his eyes, and looked at him, startled. "Sherlock? Could you do something for me?"  
   
 Sherlock looked at him and nodded. "What do you want?"  
   
 "Can you kiss John?"

  
 Sherlock looked at him, confused, and Jim kept smiling. Then he turned his head to look at John, and slowly, he kissed him.

John pulled away after a moment. "Doesn't count."

"You set the rules", Jim replied with a smile  
   
 He smirked, raising an eyebrow. "I believe I still haven't shut up."  
  
 "You have. I told you, I always cheat. But if you think it wasn't enough, I can do better"  
  
 "No, it's fine." he laughed. "Ask your question."  
  
 This was tricky. He couldn't ask about his past without triggering him, not after the state he had been. Emotions were also a conflictive topic. Jim looked at Sherlock, who was observing them silently, and smiled. Maybe..."How was your first kiss?" Sherlock blushed, and looked at John.  
  
 John looked confused for a moment. "First kiss ever, or with Sherlock?" he asked to clarify.  
  
 "With Sherlock", he replied, not wanting John to remember any bad memory.

  
John nodded in obvious relief. "It was nice. We were both terribly awkward about it, having been...what, the second day we knew each other?" he looked at Sherlock.

  
"Second day, yes", Sherlock replied smiling. " You'd just moved in, after the nurse at school..." he stopped, clearly not wanting to think about that. " You...you had a nightmare, and...I had one, to, and...you ended up sleeping in my bed. And...i have no idea of how it happened, but I remember that I couldn't look away from your eyes. I...i had no idea of what I was doing, and...honestly, I was....scared. And...then...we were kissing", Sherlock ended, blushing.  
  
Jim looked at them, regretting the question. What was he doing here?

John blushed brightly. "I just remember the kissing." he chuckled.

Sherlock smiled, kissing John softly. "It was my first kiss. And it was incredible". He looked at Jim. "What about you? How was your first kiss?"  
   
He hadn't agreed to this, but...it was Sherlock asking. "First ever, or first with you?"

"First ever, idiot. I know the other one. I was there"  
   
"It was..." He stopped, thinking. He couldn't remember. He had decided that kisses were interesting in order to manipulate people, and started dating to practice. "I...I don't know. Some girl from school, I guess"

 

Sherlock looked at Jim, disappointed. "Come on. You don't remember your first kiss?"  
  
Jim thought about it again. "I don't remember the girl's name. She was older than me". He had chosen her for that reason, assuming she would have more experience. "It was..." He shrugged. He hadn't felt anything, not really. He had learnt how to make people enjoy it, how to use it for control. "...useful?", he said, hesitant.   
  
"Useful", Sherlock repeated. "What about _our_ first kiss?"  
  
Jim glanced at Sherlock, and then back at John. He had told John, Jim was sure of that. "I wanted you to like it, enough to feel guilty about it, so it would come between John and you. And then...you kissed me back". They already knew it, didn't they? What was the point of lying? "I...I wasn't expecting that"  
  
"Well, it worked", Sherlock replied, his expression darkening. "Definitely worked." He sighed, sipping at his tea.

 

"I know", Jim replied, looking at his mug. It hadn't been precisely the best start for a relationship.

 

"How about your first?" John asked Sherlock.

 

"Well, you were there", he started. “Well, the first...real one.There was...a girl, in my last school. One day, after lunch, she walked towards me and kissed me. It was...", he looked away, uncomfortably. "It was for a bet, and..." Sherlock closed his eyes for a second. "You were the first person I kissed", he repeated, looking down.

 

John  squeezed Sherlock's hand sadly. "She doesn't count if that's what she did."

 

Sherlock looked at John and smiled. "I know. What about you?"  
  
Jim tensed. He had noticed John's reaction before, and he knew it was a bad idea to make John remember that.  
  
John bit his lip, glancing between the two of them. He swallowed dryly. "It was Greg." He said quietly, looking down.

 

"Greg?", Sherlock repeated, confused. "Did you...I mean...were you together?"  
  
"Sherlock, leave it", said Jim, worried.

 

"Can I not talk about it?", John whispered, looking down.

 

"Of course", Sherlock replied, sad.

  
Jim didn't say anything. But he decided to make Greg's life even more difficult. Well, it explained why Greg was so possessive towards John. "So...you two shared a bed since the second day you knew each other?", he asked, trying to make John think about something happier.  
  
Sherlock nodded. "Every night since then, but the one after...I kissed you"

John nodded. "Yeah. But then again, neither of us slept that night."

 

Jim looked to his mug again. "That makes three of us", he muttered. "Why did you do that, Sherlock?", he asked finally. He still didn't understand.  
  
Sherlock looked at John, and then at Jim. "I...I didn't...plan it. You...you were....so close...I..."

Jim looked at him. "I'd hurt you. I'd threatened John. And yet you kissed me. Why?"  
   
"I...", Sherlock started, glancing at John nervously. "I...wanted to. Since...that first time. I couldn't stop thinking about it"  
    
 Jim squeezed Sherlock's hand. He looked so insecure...."Maybe that's not the best topic to talk about", he muttered. Jim knew what to say to hurt them. Finding words to comfort them was much harder. He looked at Sherlock, holding hands with both of them. He glanced at his watch, still to early to go anywhere. "We could...watch another film", he suggested, unsure.

 

John nodded. "Sherlock picks this time." he replied absently. Sherlock nodded, and went to the shelf to get the film.

  
Jim looked at John's face. Something was wrong. "Stop it. The past is past". It wasn't the best way to say it, but he hadn't slept last night.

He looked at Jim for a long moment. "I know that. Doesn't change how much it affects now."

 

"I know. But thinking about it only makes it worse", he whispered.   
  
"What about Harry Potter?" Sherlock suggested without looking at them  
  
Jim had heard of those films, but hadn't seen any of them or read the books. "Okay", he replied, focusing on John again.

 

Jim could almost read John's thoughts. He was thinking about hurting himself. No. He wouldn't allow that. "Sherlock, sit down", he said, moving so Sherlock couldn't sit besides him and had to sit on the other side of John.   
  
Sherlock sat, and played the film.

 

Jim watched the film, silently. Everybody talked about those films. Something about a magic child chosen to save the world. And then, the film started. A boy, yes, but...no magic, at first. He was...beaten, and bullied. And lived locked in a cupboard. He closed his eyes, unable to watch anymore.

 

And then Sherlock turned the tv off.. "Bad choice?"   
  
Jim opened his eyes, and looked at Sherlock. He realised he had never told him what had happened to him. How could he know? He had listened outside the door, and knew some of it, but...."It's fine", he lied.

 

And then he looked at John. He was staring at the window, but not really seeing it. He studied John's face. He looked defeated. He pushed away his own emotions. No time for that.

 

Sherlock glanced at him, and then turned to look at John, worried. "John? Are you alright?"  
  
John blinked, snapping out of his daze, hiding everything. "I'm fine." he assured.  
 

 "Okay", he replied, clearly hurt.

 

How were they still together? Idiots. He looked at John. "You are not fine", he stated. Then he looked at Sherlock. "Neither are you. Or me. Great. Given that i can't possibly drink any more tea, I'm out of magic solutions. But if you two have a shower and get dressed, it might help"

 

 

Sherlock smiled, relaxing a bit.

 

John chuckled despite himself. "But think of the neglected tea." he gasped, rising to his feet.

 

"Well, I'm sure it will survive", Jim replied.

 

John clutched his chest. "Blasphemy!" he gasped, then rolled his eyes. "I'll head for my shower now."

 

Jim nodded, still smiling.   
  
Sherlock stood up, looking uncomfortable. "John..."

 

John took Sherlock's hand. "You shower first. I'll help with the bandages." he assured gently.

 

Sherlock nodded, and said nothing. John smiled wanly at Jim and led Sherlock upstairs.


	53. Chapter 53

Jim didn't move from where he was. He closed his eyes again, and tried to calm down. Too many emotions again. Sherlock seemed to have that effect on him. He needed this, time to regain his balance and try to make sense of what he was feeling. If only he wasn’t so tired...

Finally, Jim stood up and started to pace across the kitchen. The last two days had been too much. Between Greg, everybody talking about him at school, the fear that Sherlock would hate him, the realization that he _loved_ him, the disappointment caused by Sherlock not going to his room last night, that dream and all the memories he wanted to forget. That, the intimacy he wasn't used to, and all the mess this morning had been. Too much, definitely. And two sleepless nights weren't precisely helping.

Jim closed his eyes, and tried to relax. It didn't work. He focused on his breathing, and tried to leave everything else outside. But he couldn't stop thinking. He needed...a distraction, something to keep his mind busy. But he couldn't find anything.

 

He thought about John. About Sherlock. About how they used pain to deal with these things. He knew it wouldn’t work. Pain, in his case, only brought back more memories. But...just for a moment, he wondered if it would work. He took a knife, and stared at the blade. Then he closed his eyes, and touched it with a finger.

"What are you doing?"   
   
Jim opened his eyes, and looked at Sherlock. What was he doing here? He was supposed to be with John. "S...Sherlock...."  
   
"Shut up! What were you thinking? How could you....you...."  
   
Jim tried to hid, but he was too surprised by Sherlock's anger. "I...wasn't going to do anything", he replied, trying to appear calm  
   
"Don't play with that! You know what i went through, how hard it was to...." Sherlock was really angry, and Jim had no idea of how to react. And then Sherlock took the knife and put it on the table. "You idiot", Sherlock muttered. Then, without waiting for his answer, he kissed him.  
   
Sherlock had never kissed him like this. It was possessive and desperate, almost violent. Part of himself wanted to let go, but he couldn't. He needed control. And this was just too much, especially after what he had been thinking. He tried to move away, but Sherlock was holding him, and he started to panic. Without thinking, he pushed Sherlock away. He hit the table and cried out. Jim froze. What had he done?  
    
They stared at each other silently. Jim wanted to apologize, to make sure Sherlock was alright. He closed his eyes, trying to calm down. "Are you hurt?", he asked, finally.  
   
Sherlock didn't reply, observing Jim carefully. "I...I don't know", he replied.

 

Jim had no idea of what to do. This was his fault, he had hurt Sherlock.

    
 "What happened?" John asked from the doorway.  
    
Jim looked at John. His hair was still wet from the shower. Then he looked back at Sherlock. He was clearly in pain, and trying to hide it. "I pushed him against the table", he whispered.  
    
"Accident?" John asked carefully, going over to Sherlock to carefully help him sit down.  
    
Accident? No, it hadn't been an accident. But he couldn't tell that to John.  
   
"My fault", Sherlock muttered, staring at the floor.  
    
John sighed. "One of you explain what happened, please."  
  
"It was my fault", said the two of them at the same time.  
   
"I was distracted, and..."  
   
"Distracted? You had a knife in your hands! I thought...."  
   
"I was just...thinking"  
   
"Sure"  
   
"I was...distracted", Jim repeated more firmly. "And Sherlock came in and kissed me. I hadn't been expecting it, and...overreacted"  
   
"It wasn't like that, and you know it"

  
John pinched the bridge of his nose. "One at a time!" he told them. "What I'm getting from this is that you,” he looked at Jim. "panicked and pushed Sherlock away harder than necessary. And you," he looked at Sherlock. “caught him by surprise. That's not either of your fault. But why did you have a knife?" he asked, looking back at Jim.  
  
"I...I was...thinking. Just that", he lied.  
  
John stared hard at him. "I'm dragging you into the deal I have with Sherlock to do with self harm. Just as a precaution for all of us."  
  
"You what?", he replied, confused. "No, you can't do that! I...I need...something. What I used to do....doesn't work anymore"  
  
"So we find you something else to help. But not that. Ever."  
  
"I...never have. I wasn't going to. I was just wondering if it would work", he said, ashamed.  
  
John’s gaze softened. "It doesn't work. It just makes everything worse and harder to bare. Please don't ever try it."  
  
Jim nodded, feeling small and pathetic. He should be stronger than this. He looked down, and, almost automatically, replied. "I'm sorry. I'll do better next time"

 

"Jim." John said quietly.  
  
He looked up, unsure. John had opened his arms to him. Why couldn't he just distance himself from his emotions and ignore them, like he had done before? This was...difficult. He looked down again, took a deep breath and walked to John. He didn't dare to look at Sherlock.  
    
John hugged him gently, almost no pressure, just reassurance. He didn't know how to react, and was tense at first. Slowly, he started to relax.

 

Jim felt ashamed. How had he lost control this much? He hadn't for years, and now...Sherlock would never look at him in the same way. He should leave. Before Sherlock, everything was easier. But...not better. He had no idea of what to do.  
   
He remained silent and still for a while. Slowly, he moved a step away from John, and looked at him, feeling ashamed and not knowing what to say. He had almost panicked, and hurt Sherlock. And he had lost control.  
  
John held Jim's gaze steadily. "Everything will be okay." he said softly, but surely. "I know it's terrifying, but it get's easier."  
    
"I...I used to distance myself from everything, to ignore the...emotions", he whispered, glancing at Sherlock. He couldn't do that anymore. And he had no idea of how to cope with it.  
    
John  sighed. "How can you do that now?" he asked gently.  
    
"That's the problem. I...can't. That's why I need something else", he replied, trying to hide his fear.  
  
"Okay. What do you think will work?"  
    
"The other thing that used to work was to get distracted", he said, uncomfortable, remembering what he had done to John in order to achieve that.  
    
"Distraction, good. It doesn't always need to hurt people."  
    
"You don't understand. People are predictable. School is dull. I need...something to think about, other than...memories."  
   
Sherlock looked at Jim. "It's my fault. You were fine, before meeting me"  
   
"I've never been fine, Sherlock"  
  
"It's nobody's fault", John  sighed. "What do you think could distract you?"  
  
"I...I know that pain doesn't...stop me thinking, alright? I wasn't going to do anything" Probably. He hadn't been exactly under control in that moment. "It's just that...you said it worked, and...I wondered, only for a second, if...it would work for me. "  
    
"It didn't work for me in that way. It never stopped me thinking and it didn't give me control. It's not worth it.". John replied calmly  
    
"It works, at first. And then it's not enough, and you need more and more, and it no longer works but you can't stop needing it", said Sherlock in a whisper.  
 

John nodded, looking at him. "Exactly."  
  
It was strange to have people worrying about him. He wasn't sure of how to react. "Fine, i get it", Jim said, still a bit nervous.  
   
"John is right. You are part of the deal, now"  
   
"But that...is something between you two"

 

Sherlock smiled. "And now you. It makes sense, Jim. We care about you. You're part of us."  
   
Part of them? How had that happened? "What are the terms of that deal?", he asked, feeling a warm sensation in his chest.

 

"If any of use self harm, the other two have to do it to themselves three times the amount, with the same thing used." John explained.

 

Jim took a deep breath. "Deal", he replied, feeling strange.

 

John nodded. "Good."

 

"Jim? Come here a second, please"  
  
Jim hesitated, still worried about what Sherlock would think about him now. "What do you want?"  
  
"Give me your arm", Sherlock said softly  
  
He extended his arm, and Sherlock started to roll his sleeve up.  
  
He looked away. "Sherlock..."  
  
Sherlock didn't say anything. He took a pen from his pocket, and started to draw a butterfly, ignoring the scars. when he finished, he kissed it and covered Jim's arm again.

 

Jim touched the drawing over his shirt, and smiled. It made him feel more in control. Not in his usual way, but...it might work.    
  
Sherlock smiled fondly. "Wait. There's something else"  
  
"Something else?", Jim asked, trying not to worry.  
  
"Yes. I...need rules", Sherlock replied, biting his lip. "I kissed you, and you....I mean...How can I...What are you okay with? What did I do wrong?"  
  
"You surprised me. Don't do that. And...it wasn't just a kiss, it was..." he stopped, not knowing how to define it. Violent was his best choice, but it sounded...bad.   
  
Sherlock blushed. "Sorry"  
  
"Stop apologizing. And...about what am I okay with...." He smiled. "Remember the other night? Everything, as long as I'm in control. On my terms, as I told you"  
  
Sherlock nodded. He could do that.

 

Feeling calmer, Jim tried to assess the situation. They were all exhausted, at least emotionally. Sherlock still seemed to want to be with him, despite everything. John looked, surprisingly, much better than before. And Sherlock...Oh. How could he had forgotten? "Are you in pain?"  
  
"I'm...fine"

 

“I'm getting you pain killers." John told Sherlock, jogging upstairs to grab the half empty bottle before trotting back down again. "Take one. And when the doctor comes next week we'll have him check you, though it really should be now."

 

"Does it hurt when you breath?", asked Jim, feeling guilty.

 Sherlock took a deep breath. "Not more than before", he replied, taking a painkiller.

 John sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Probably just a jostle."  
 

Sherlock looked at John for a moment, and then back at Jim. "Fix this", he said, looking him in the eyes.

"What?", he asked, confused

"You can fix everything. That's what everybody say. So fix this"

"Fix what, exactly?"

 "Us"

 Jim sat besides Sherlock, thinking.  
  
John sat down too, eye brows raised. "He's not a miracle worker, Sherlock."

"You have to be more precise, Sherlock. John is right, i'm not a mirarle worker. And...it's working. What exactly does need fixing?"

Sherlock looked at Jim silently. "I'll think about it. We...we'll talk about it on...Monday?"

 Of course. Their deal. He still had no idea of what to do about that. "Okay"  
  
John tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling, folding his arms.  
  
"You will help John anyway, you can't deny it", Sherlock whispered

Jim glanced at John, And thought about all the moments they had shared. "You are right", he replied. There was no point in the deals, and yet...they felt right.

Sherlock nodded."We'll...negotiate, then"

"Of course", Jim answered, trying to hide his relief.

 

 

 

 


	54. Chapter 54

John looked at them both. "Do those deals really help?"

 Jim looked at Sherlock, who was looking at him. They nodded at the same time.

"It's...difficult to explain", started Sherlock, unsure. He “You know that...sometimes I don't know what to do, or how to...behave, or if...if I would hurt you, or if I'm doing something wrong? There's nothing of that, in the deals. No need to worry, no need to think. And...I trust him, I know he would never ask me to do something I can't. It's...easy. It feels right"

Jim looked for the right words. It was...surprisingly hard. "It's about...control. But you already knew that. And...power. It makes me feel...that he is mine", he said, looking at Sherlock. "It feels...right"  
  
John nodded. "It makes sense."  
  
Jim relaxed at those words. "Does it bother you?", he asked John, still looking at Sherlock. Hearing him saying that it felt right to him too had been unexpected.  
  
"Not really."

  
"Good", replied Jim, smiling. He felt much more in control now. And then he glanced at Sherlock, who was looking at him with half a smile. Jim looked back, feeling the connection between them, stronger than ever.

Sherlock took Jim's hand, and, after a second of hesitation, he took John's too.  
  
Jim smiled. "See? It's working. There's not much to fix"

John snorted. "Told you."

"Idiot", replied Sherlock, smiling too.

 

"Are all your nights this...interesting?", Jim asked with a smile

John smirked. "You get used to it."

  
"Lovely", he replied. "And I thought that my life was complicated"   
  
John kissed Sherlock's cheek softly. "Well, it has its advantages", he replied as Sherlock blushed  
  
Jim smiled, nodding. He felt a bit out of place, but shrugged it off.  
    
Eventually when the silence had drawn out John spoke. "I'm going to head to the shop when it opens at nine. Do either of you need anything?"  
    
"No, thank you. I...I'll text Seb and Molly, they can meet us at the park after lunch"  
   
"Be careful", added Sherlock.

 

John smiled. "I will. I won't be gone long."

 

"I have to go home to check on my mother, but...we could do that on our way, right?", Jim asked  
  
They agreed, and Jim took out his phone to text Seb and Molly.  
 

"I think I'll head now." John rose, checking his pocket for his wallet. "Call me if you remember that either of you need anything."  
 

"You could buy something for lunch. Whatever you want, I'll cook", Jim offered

 

John nodded. "Will do. Should have enough." He kissed Sherlock's cheek and smiled at Jim, grabbing a set of keys to lock himself out. "Won't be longer than an hour" he assured, heading down the hall.

 

"An hour", Sherlock repeated after John had left, feeling suddenly nervous.  
  
Jim recalled Sherlock's words from before. He trusted Jim. No need to worry, no need to think. He observed Sherlock silently, noticing how he was becoming more and more tense. "You can ask. Always. What do you want?"  
  
"I...I don't know", sherlock answered nervously.  
  
"But you want... _something_ "  
  
Sherlock nodded  
  
"Kiss me", he said. He noticed part of the tension leaving Sherlock's body.

 

Sherlock kissed him, softly at first. Jim just let him do what he needed. Strangely, he still felt in control. Slowly, the kiss grew more and more heated, and Jim stopped thinking about anything else.  

 

He was in control of this. Jim repeated it to himself once and again as Sherlock's kisses became more passionate. He was in control. "Stop", he whispered after a while, breathing heavily.   
  
Sherlock moved away almost immediately, and studied Jim's face.  
  
Jim kept his expression controlled, _feeling_ in control. "Is this what you want?"  
  
"I...", Sherlock said, unsure.   
  
Jim smiled, and kissed Sherlock again. And this time, he took control of the kiss. He could feel Sherlock relaxing totally between his arms. When he pulled apart, Sherlock smiled at him.

 

"I love you", Sherlock whispered.  
  
Jim kissed him as an answer, soft and tenderly. And then he felt Sherlock’s hands on his shirt, hesitant.   
  
"Can I...?" Sherlock whispered against his lips, moving his hands to the buttons of Jim's shirt.  
  
"Touching only. Don't look. And don't stop kissing me", he answered. He wanted Sherlock to touch him, but....this was difficult.

 

Jim was scared. He didn't let it show, and focused on kissing Sherlock, feeling his fingers on his skin. He wouldn't look, not when Jim had told him not to. He was in control. He felt Sherlock’s hand touching his chest, slow and unsure at first, and slowly more and more confidently. Nobody had touched him like this before Sherlock. Slowly, he relaxed and enjoyed the sensations.

 

None of them noticed John entering the house, too focused on each other. They both had their eyes closed, and Jim had slowly got used to Sherlock touching him. It felt amazing.   
  
After a long time, Jim opened his eyes again, and looked at Sherlock. He looked so happy....He glanced around, and noticed that somebody had been in the room. John. How long had it been? He kissed Sherlock one last time and closed his shirt.   
  
Sherlock opened his eyes too and looked at him, confused. "What's wr-John?", he whispered.   
  
Jim nodded, and stood up, taking Sherlock's hand and helping him.  
  
"John!" called Sherlock, nervously.

 

  John was in the kitchen, and he looked calm. _Too_ calm.  Jim frowned, and let Sherlock’s hand go, letting him walk into the kitchen to meet John.     

 "Everything alright?", asked Sherlock, kissing John's cheek.

  
 John nodded, smiling. "I'm fine." he assured.  
  
 Sherlock smiled, and kissed his cheek again.  
  
Jim watched from the door. John still too calm, considering what had happened today. And there was something...slightly forced in his body language. He was becoming good at this. 

 

Maybe too good. 

 

But he had tensed when Sherlock kissed him. And when John noticed he was looking at him, he looked away.   
  
 John blushed lightly, kissing Sherlock softly with a smile. He ignored Jim's gaze, almost like if he wouldn't be able to keep it together if he looked at him.. Weird. And...not good.

 

 John clearly didn't want to talk about it, otherwise he’d be doing it. So Jim decided to talk about something else.

 

 "So...what did you buy? Maybe you can help me to prepare something"  
   
"I got some chicken and vegetables. Shop didn't have much." John replied, a bit too fast.    
  
"Sounds good. Do you want to help? And don't say you don't know how. I've eaten that cake you two made"  
   
Sherlock smiled and looked at John fondly " _John_ made it. I only observed. And, unless you like burnt food, I won't help"  
  
John chuckled, though it sounded off. "Fine, I'll help." He went to the fridge, getting the things he bought.  
  
Sherlock looked uncomfortable, and walked towards the door. "I think i'm going to play violin for a while, if you don't need me. I'm out of practice”, he muttered before leaving.

  
Something had happened while John was outside. But Jim knew better than to ask. "You still had my penknife, don't you?", he asked casually.  
    
John nodded. "Course."

    
"Tell me if you want my help", he said it the same casual tone, as he looked at the ingredients.  
  
"I will", John said quietly, biting his lip.  
  
John's father was in prison. His mother wouldn't come close to him, not if she could be seen. Who else? His sister? He always looked altered after talking to her. No, this was different. Fear. Greg? Maybe. He had punched him, after all. He looked at John.

  
 "So...how do we cook all this?"  
  
"We could do a stir fry?" John offered, avoiding Jim's gaze.  
  
"Okay", he replied, as the notes from Sherlock's violin reached them. He didn't move, observing John. He corrected his previous impression. Not bad. Extremely bad. He had no idea of how to comfort John, but he looked almost as bad as Jim had felt after pushing Sherlock after that kiss. What had John done to make him feel better? It had worked, it had made him feel much better. He could try that. Silently he opened his arms.  
    
John looked at Jim for a long moment, his eyes wide. Hesitantly stepped forward into Jim's arms, hiding his face against the boy's neck.  
    
He didn't say anything. The only words which came to his mind were the ones John had said about accepting help. But he wasn't going to repeat John's own words to him. Instead he hugged him, firmly but not enough to make him feel trapped.  
   
After a moment, John’s body started to tremble, and Jim felt his shirt a bit damp. John was crying, too.   He didn't move. This was...new, and he wasn't sure of how to act. "If you need anything, just name it", he whispered.  
   
"I-I don't know." John whispered brokenly, hugging Jim tighter.  
  
"Nobody is going to hurt you", he replied, holding him. "I promise"  
    
"He _will_ " he muttered, pulling back a bit.  
    
"Who? Your father?" No, it didn't fit.  
  
"Greg." John managed to say, his throat closing up.  
  
Greg. Of course. Things were in motion, but he hadn't told John yet. "He'll be in a lot of trouble soon"  
  
"I-I don't want him hurt, Jim." John said weakly.  
  
"But _I_ do. He told everybody about my past. Nobody believed him, true, but it doesn't make it better. He got Sherlock into trouble and tried to separate us. And he hurt my friend."  
  
"What are you going to do to him?"  
  
"What I told him I would. Hide drugs and money in his things and make sure a teacher or his father find it. Have some people saying he tried to sell them drugs at school." He looked at John's expression. "I can still stop it, if you want me to"  
 

 

John swallowed thickly and nodded. "That's...reasonable." he said quietly.

"Think about it until Monday. After that, I won't be able to stop it", he replied, unsure. John seemed to care about Greg. Well, he cared about Jim even after what he had done, so...it made sense.

 

"I will. Don't.. Don't tell Sherlock I acted like this." John pleaded.

 

"I won't. But maybe you should", he replied

  
 "I can't. I really can't Jim. I just.. I can't think straight now."  
 

"Then don't. We have a meal to cook, and then we are going out. Try to focus on that." He hoped Sherlock wouldn't ask anything.

John nodded, but his body tensed even more.  

 

"Stop that. I can almost hear you thinking", he said, looking him in the eyes. "Do you trust me?"  
 

"Of course." John said, confused.  
 

"He won't hurt you again", he repeated. "We'll think on something. I'll talk to him."  
 

He bit his lip, and looked at the floor "He didn't really...hurt me, earlier."  
 

He studied John carefully. What else could have put John in this state? "He did hurt you. Maybe he didn't hit you, but....he clearly did something that hurt you"

 

"He...kissed me. Told me he loved me." John replied weakly, ashamed.

 

Definitely not something to tell Sherlock. Right.  "Did you kiss him back?", he asked softly

 

"No, I pushed him away " John replied nervously.

 

"John", he said, slowly. "Do you...love Greg?"

 

"No!" John said a bit too loudly. "No, no, no. I love Sherlock."

 

"Right", he said, worried. "You do love Sherlock. But you loved Greg. Is that more accurate?"

 

John bit his lip and nodded, tears pricking behind his eyes.  
 

This would hurt Sherlock, if he found out. Why hadn't he seen this? "You said he was the first person you kissed. I assume it was much more than that.", he said, thinking about the best course of action.

 

John nodded slowly. "I.. It was before I told him things.. And after. We were...together. For a while. We.." he shook his head. "He was the first person I trusted with... intimacy. First.." he gestured with his hands. "Everything."

 

There was something...off in John's body language. Something he wasn't telling. "What went wrong? I mean, last time you two were alone together, he gave you that lovely bruise"

 

John fidgeted. "I don't know... He was so nice and sweet and he really cared.. And then he just changed.. And I thought that's what was mean to happen. How people... Grow together."

 

"There has to be something better than that", he replied, unsure. "Seb's parents are happy together. And Molly's"

 

"I don't mean his parents. I mean him and me. I think.. He got intimidated when you started the deals with me. He always cheated and basically did to me, what my dad did. I thought that was how all relationships worked, to be honest."

 

"He did what?" No, this couldn't be. And John still didn't want him hurt? How could he be so...good? And...his deals had started it. Was that is fault, too?

 

John looked away. "Yeah." he whispered, feeling sick. "I can't stop... loving him." he whispered, barely audible.

 

Jim was trying to think of a way to help John. Unfortunately, helping people was proving to be much more difficult than hurting them. "Whatever happens, nothing changes between us", he said, repeating John's words to him.

 

John nodded at him, stepping out of the hug. "Thanks, Jim."

 

"Love is supposed to make you feel happy. Maybe it's not love", he said, starting to prepare the ingredients for lunch.

 

"I know the difference." John sighed, setting the table and getting things to cook the food in.

 

"You do? Fine, explain it to me. Because I needed a lot of time to find out what was I feeling"

 

"It's.. I don't know. I just get these butterflies when I see him and I know I can't ignore him if he's near, because my attention is always diverted to him and when.. When he kisses me, it's like electricity. Like I can't be hurt anymore. Like what I feel for Sherlock. I hate it, but God, I can't help it."

 

"Sounds like attraction, at least", he replied, worried

 

John winced. "I know it sounds bad, Jim just say what you're thinking."

 

"I'm thinking that this is going to hurt Sherlock. A lot. And that you should be sure about what you feel. Maybe he is just a good kisser"

 

"I'd need to be around him to figure it out, Jim, and I don't think I can let that happen."

 

Maybe if he...No. It was a bad idea. It wouldn't help. Why had he thought about that? "....Okay"

 

"Do you think I should?" John asked. "I mean... It could help.."

 

"No. It would put you into danger. I was thinking about...another way you could know that. But...it isn't a good idea"

 

"Tell me anyway."

 

"When I first kissed Sherlock...I wanted him to like it, to make him feel guilty. But he kissed me back, and I felt...something different. I am a very good kisser, but that was... _different_. And I was wondering if Greg....is doing to you what I wanted to do to Sherlock, maybe....If I....No, it's a stupid idea. Forget it"

 

John frowned, eyeing Jim nervously"It could work.."

 

He was getting nervous. John was his friend, and he liked it that way. "I mean...I don't....like you that way, but....that way you could...know"

 

John shook his head. "I don't like you in that way either, mate. It could help though."

 

"Nothing will change. And...only if it helps you to figure things out", he said, more firmly

 

John nodded, determined.  "Give me your best shot, then."

 

He stood in front of John, and looked him in the eyes for a second. "You sure?", he asked once more

 

"Positive."

 


	55. Chapter 55

He kept looking John in the eyes, and moved slowly in case he changed his mind. He had done this before, several times. And he trusted John. Oh, he was thinking oto much. He kissed John, in the same way he had kissed Sherlock that first time, reading his reactions and making sure he enjoyed it.

 

It was nothing like kissing Sherlock. John returned the kiss for a few moments, and it was good. Different than Sherlock. But also different from anybody else. There wasn’t that...fire there was with Sherlock. Instead, he felt...safe.

 

John pulled away after a bit, and Jim made sure his face was calm and controlled.

 

"Not the same. Though you are a good kisser." John admitted.

 

"Told you", he replied. "Did it help, then?" Something had changed, and it took him a moment to realize what it was: the music had stopped.

 

"Well, I think my feelings for Greg are genuine, so, it helped.."

 

Jim turned slowly, paling as he saw Sherlock. Oh no. No no no. Not again.

"Sherlock, come here and sit down", Jim said softly.  
  
Sherlock nodded, and did what he had told him to do. Jim glanced at John who looked nervous and was avoiding Sherlock’s gaze. He clearly couldn’t deal with this.

 

"You two....just...I mean....what was that?"  
  
"Nothing, Sherlock", Jim replied calmly  
  
"Nothing? You were...kissing!"  
  
"If I asked you to forget it, would you?"  
  
Sherlock looked at him unsure  
  
"Sherlock, do you trust me?"  
  
Sherlock nodded.  
  
"It meant nothing. Forget it", he said firmly

 

"And what about...?", Sherlock said, unsure, looking at John.  
  
"Sherlock. Do you trust me? Do you trust us?", he asked again  
  
Sherlock nodded, but he looked miserable  
  
"Then leave it. I'm asking you. Remember...when John's mum hurt me? I asked you to leave it, and John too, and...you didn't. Don't do that again. Just....trust us"  
  
"I...There's one thing I need to know. And answer, from both of you, and I'll leave it. Do you...love me?"  
  
Jim hadn't said it to Sherlock. For some reason, it was...difficult. But to see him like that, so...confused and scared....."Yes", he said, firmly.

 

John nodded surely. "Without a doubt."

 

"And you are not...leaving me?", Sherlock asked in a whisper.

 

He shook his head. "No. I promise."  
 

"Never", John replied firmly  
  
"Then I...won't ask anything. I trust you", Sherlock replied. After a moment, he looked at Jim. "What do we do now?"  
  
"Now? Well, now John and I finish to prepare the meal. You can help. After eating we are going to my house so I can see if my mother is doing okay, and then we are going to spend a lovely day with Seb and Molly in that park John mentioned."

 

That seemed to help, because after that the three of them worked together preparing the food, and it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

 

  
Jim was going to kill Greg. Well, he wasn't, because John wouldn't like that, but....he was going to make his life extremely difficult. "Have you finish your part?", he asked John when he had finished what he had been doing.  
   
"Yep." John nodded absently, lost in his thoughts.

  
"I'll finish it. Let's say...twenty minutes. You two...have some time alone. Maybe you could...go upstairs." John needed to reassure Sherlock, to make him feel he loved him. He couldn’t do that in front of him.   
    
 "Okay", John replied. He reached for Sherlock's hand with a smile. "C'mon you."  
    
"Upstairs?", he asked in a whisper  
    
John nodded. "Yeah." He glanced at Jim briefly with a nod and led Sherlock from the room, holding his hand.

 

 

 

As soon as they had left the room, Jim took John's phone, which he had left on the counter. There was seven unread texts. He ignored them (John would notice if he read them), and  looked for Greg's number, saving it into his own phone.   
   
Jim pondered what to do. Not today. They really needed a break. Tomorrow he decide what to do. Slowly, he started to clean the kitchen, waiting for them to come back.

 

Only John came downstairs. He grabbed his box of cigarettes and lighter, ignoring Jim as he walked past to go outside.

 

Jim looked up, surprised. And then worried. What had happened? "John!", he called, running after him.  
  
John shook his head, biting back tears. He lit up quickly, his hands trembling slightly.

 

Jim grabbed John's shoulder. "What happened? Why did you leave him alone?", he asked nervously.  And then he saw John's expression, and released him. "What happened?", he repeated again, softer.

John took a long drag, closing his eyes. "He asked me to leave. I keep messing everything up and now I'll bloody lose him. I know I will. He probably thinks there's something going on between us and now he knows I have feelings for Greg." he rambled, almost hyperventilating.

"And you left him _alone_? Are you...." No, calm down. Sherlock would be fine. He had to be. "Where is he? Go and fix this, before he does something stupid!"

John stared at Jim for a long moment, expression blank. "Fine." he stubbed out the cigarette. "But he'll probably want your assurance that you're not playing with him." he said firmly, turning to go back inside.

Again. How many times should he say it to Sherlock? He followed John, wondering how he could make Sherlock understand.

 John knocked on Sherlock's door. "Sherlock!" he called. "Can I please talk to you?"

No answer. John knocked harder, looking at Jim worriedly.

"Okay. Open this door", Jim muttered nervously.

 

John nodded, and opened the door, rushing into the room. The bathroom’s door was partly open. "Sherlock?" he called, walking slowly into the bathroom. Jim followed him, and as soon as he entered the bathroom, he froze. No no. Sherlock was in the bathtub, looking pale. John grabbed Sherlock's shoulders, pulling him out of the ice cold water.

 Jim couldn't move for a second. He should have seen this, prevented it.  
   
Sherlock blinked, confused. "J....John?"

John nearly sobbed in relief. "Sherlock, what were you trying to do?"

  
 "I...I don't...I..."

  
Sherlock needed...what? To get warm. Right. Why was so difficult to focus? Get rid of the cold water, and then...warm water? Yes.

Jim was usually good at emergencies. And Sherlock needed him. He had to react. Still shaken, he walked to them, and started to drain the bath and fill it with warm water, as John brushed Sherlock's soaked hair from his face, his hands shaking.

 "You....idiot!",Jim said, almost shouting, letting the warm water fill the tub. "After all you told me this morning, how could you...." No, he had to be in control, to calm down.  
   
 "I....I didn't want to...worry you", Sherlock muttered, embarrassed.

"So you terrify us?" he asked, incredulous.

"I'm sorry", Sherlock whispered, closing his eyes.  
  
 He clenched his jaw. "Just don't do it again." he muttered, sitting on the edge of the bath.

 "Okay", Sherlock muttered without moving.  
   
 Jim took a deep breath, feeling more in control. "Okay. Take off your clothes"  
   
 Sherlock looked at him, confused "What?"  
   
 "Your clothes. They are soaked. Take them off"  
  
Slowly, and too ashamed to look at them, Sherlock took off his shirt. The bandages were soaked through. Without needing to think about it, John moved forward to silently remove them, focused on what he was doing. This was clearly something he did often.

  
Sherlock didn't move or look up. "I'm sorry", he repeated.  
   
Jim kissed the top of his head. "Idiot", he said fondly. Then he looked at John. "I'll bring a clean bandage and some clothes”, Jim said, standing up.

 

He went to the bedroom and took everything they needed. He wasn't sure of what to do, and he didn't like the sensation. Fake it until you make it. Maybe that would work. He hid his doubts and walked back inside the bathroom.

 

Sherlock still had his eyes closed. "This doesn't count", he whispered.

   
John stared at Sherlock for a long moment. "Okay.. It doesn't count "  
  
Sherlock didn’t reply, and started to cry silently. John glanced at Jim, and started to rub Sherlock’s back gently.   
   
 Jim looked around, noticing the state of the bathroom for the first time. Everything was out of its place.

"Look at me, Sherlock", he said in his more firm tone.  
   
 Sherlock did as Jim had said, and looked at him.  
   
 Sherlock's eyes were...empty. No, this was _wrong_. "Everything will be alright. I promise. But you have to tell me what the problem is, so I can fix it"  
   
"I am the problem. There has to he something wrong with me. I've hurt you, I've hurt John. I always hurt everybody. And...how can I love both of you? Doesn't it hurt you? And...I promised not to ask what had happened, but I can't stop thinking about it. And..." he stopped, and began to sob again.   
   
Jim tried to project calm and confidence, but inside was almost panicking. "Fine. Get out of there, get dressed, and we'll talk some sense into you"

John  moved away to give Sherlock space, looking guilty. He’d have to talk some sense into John, too.

   
Sherlock looked down, ashamed. "I...I don't think I can...get out of here on my own", he whispered.

   
How could he have forgotten that? Moving without the bandages had to be really painful for Sherlock.  "Of course", he said, taking one of his arms.  
  
John held Sherlock's other arm and between them they carefully got him out. He gave him a towel and got the bandages, for when Sherlock was ready for them to be applied.  
  
Jim could see a bruise starting to form in Sherlock's back, where he had hit the table. He had done that. He helped Sherlock with the rest of his clothes, keeping his eyes fixed on his face. This wasn't how he wanted to see Sherlock naked for the first time.  
   
John applied the bandages, his hands shaking slightly but otherwise he looked calm. Then Sherlock put his clothes on, and looked at them silently.   
  
 "We should talk", said Jim, softly. If this was how things usually went, he definitely couldn't do it. Something had to change.

 "Kitchen. I'll make tea." John said quietly.

 

Jim nodded. "Magic solution for everything, yes", he said with a smile. "Let's go, then"

John rolled his eyes jokingly. He looked at Sherlock, offering him his hand to help him downstairs.  Sherlock took John's hand they walked downstairs.  Jim followed silently.

 

Once in the kitchen, he looked at the half prepared food. He doubted they were going to eat right now. Jim put all the ingredients in the fridge. Maybe, if things went well, he'd cook them later. Then he sat, and waited for John

John sat Sherlock at the table and went to make tea, turning off his now ringing phone.  When it was off he put it in his pocket, and he made the tea. Then he brought the cups to the table, and sat down.

  
"I think Sherlock was right. We need...rules.", Jim started, trying to appear confident.  
   
Sherlock looked at him, confused, and nodded.

    
 John  nodded too "For example?:  
    
"There's what you told me this morning: if one of us do something to hurt himself, the others have to do it, too. What about...if one of us _wants_ to do something like that, he has to tell at least one of the others?"  
    
 "That's a good point. Better to have a warning than to deal with the aftermath.", John replied.

 "What happens if somebody breaks a rule?", asked Sherlock weakly.  
   
 "Well...what about...the other two decide the consequences?", Jim offered.

 John nodded. "Nothing too drastic of course, though. None of us want to be scared to say something."

 "Okay", said Sherlock, more relaxed. "No lying. I can't...I mean....we don't have to tell each other everything, but I'm tired of lies"  
   
 Jim looked at him for a second. That would be...hard. "Fine"  
    
 John bit his lip and nodded slowly. "Fine."

 Sherlock looked at them. "Neither of you like that. Okay. What about...not lying about...us? Is that better?"  
   
 They both nodded at the same time. Jim was relieved, that would be much easier. "Your turn, John"  
  
 John sighed. "If a topic is asked to be dropped or it looks like it is going into painful areas, it get's dropped with no questions asked?"

Sherlock looked at him, worried, but finally agreed. "Fine. Jim?"  
   
 "That would be...good", he said, nodding.

  "Good. Anything else?", John asked.

 "What about...school?", Jim said, worried  
    
 John sighed. "What about it?"  
    
 "You two are together. That's what everybody knows. We should leave it that way", Jim said calmly.   
   
 Sherlock looked at Jim, sad, and didn’t say anything. John bit his lip in thought. "Or it could be taken as part of deals." he suggested. "Everyone knows you do deals, so why would using someone to get to someone else be any different? Obviously not what's going on, but they won't know that."  
    
 "That's...reasonable", Jim replied with a smile. "Sherlock?"  
   
 "Yes, that sounds better", Sherlock agreed. "I need to know when I'm doing something you don't like. You...you have to tell me"  
  
John nodded. "Okay with me."  
   
 Jim looked at Sherlock silently. "You mean...in bed?"  
   
Sherlock nodded.  
   
"I told you. The only way it can be is if you do what I told you to do. That means you can't do anything wrong"  
   
 "Jim..."  
   
 "Fine, I' ll tell you. But you won't do anything wrong"  
   
 "Okay then.. Anything else?", John asked.  
    
"Don't...wake me up. It can get...messy. If you had to do it, don't touch me", said Jim, softly.  
    
 John nodded. "Understandable"  
   
 "Yes, fine", said Sherlock.

   
 "That's enough to get by, I think. Unless you want to added something else", Jim said, noticing how the conversation had made all of them calm down.   
 

John shook his head but then paused. "I uh, I don't intend to stop smoking any time soon,and it'd be appreciated if it wasn't a topic of argument."  
  
"Okay. I won't mention anything", said Sherlock.

  
Jim nodded, and looked at Sherlock. "Good. Now that we have some rules...will you explain us why did you do that?"  
   
 Sherlock looked down. "Because...I kissed John and he didn't like it"  
   
John’s eyes widened in horror. "What? I did." He said in shock. "I was distracted from earlier."   
 

 "Same thing. Usually when I kiss you...you aren't...distracted. No, not usually. Always. Is it because..." He glanced at Jim, nervous.

 "Because..?" John asked quietly, looking scared.

"B....because I'm not...good at it, and Jim....had kissed you before", Sherlock muttered  
   
 "Sherlock, Jim and I kissing was nothing. Cross my heart. I mean, he's alright, but." he shrugged. " _You_ are a good kisser. Fantastic." he said seriously.  
   
 "And do you know how you can learn? Practising", said Jim with a smile.  
   
 Sherlock didn't say anything, lost in his thoughts.

   
 John watched Sherlock for a long moment. "What is it?"  
   
Sherlock looked at him, without hiding how hurt and confused he was feeling. "I don't know. Something feels...wrong between us".

John deflated. "I don't know what to tell you." he muttered, looking down.

 "Is this...one of those things...you don't want to talk about?", asked Sherlock carefully.

 

John nodded, avoiding Sherlock's gaze. "Yeah."  
  
 "Sherlock, do you trust John?", Jim asked, noticing John's reaction.  
   
 "Of course"  
   
 "Then _trust_ him. He had something to solve, that's all. He'll ask for our help if he needs it"  
   
 "John? Promise me that. If you need help, you'll talk to one of us."

 John  glanced gratefully at Jim and looked at Sherlock. "I promise."

 Sherlock nodded, and took John's hand.

  
 Jim stood up, and kissed Sherlock's cheek. "Let's eat something, it's getting late"


	56. Chapter 56

 John gave Jim's hand a squeeze. "Do you need help?"

"No, it's almost finished. Stay here". With Sherlock. After what had happened Jim didn't want to leave him alone.  
   
 John nodded in understanding and stroked the back of Sherlock's hand idly. Jim glanced at them once more, noticing that Sherlock looked calmer, and walked to the fridge to take out the ingredients and finish cooking the meal. He listened to them talking, but didn’t turn around, wanting to give them some privacy.

 

  
    
"I'm really sorry about before", Sherlock whispered.  
  
"It's okay, love. Just.. Never do that again. You terrified us."

  
"I won't. But...don't leave me alone when I'm like that. I always want you close, even if I say I don't"

  
 “I know, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"I should have....asked you to stay. Do you know there's nothing with a blade anywhere in the house but in the kitchen? I threw everything away, to make sure...I didn't do anything stupid"

 

Jim started to feel like if he was intruding when he heard a kiss. Now they were talking in whispers, and it was harder to understand. He tried to focus on his task, but it was difficult not to listen.

 

 

"Would you ...... if you'd found something?"

 

"Can you..."  
  
 "Always”

 

There was silence for a while, and Jim didn’t turn around. Maybe John was giving Sherlock a butterfly, like Sherlock had done with Jim before. He touched the stop over his clothes, and couldn’t help a tiny smile. It made him feel how much Sherlock cared.

 

 

  
"I love you"

 

"I love you too."

 

 

 

Jim served there rations, as slowly as he could to give them a bit more time, and took them to the table. He noticed the way they were looking at each other, and smiled. "If you need a moment alone, I can eat somewhere else", he offered. Sherlock was smiling again, and, just for that, he didn’t mind being alone.

 

  
John shook his head, squeezing Sherlock's hand and putting down the pen he had been holding. "We're good", he assured.

 

Jim looked at the pen, and then at Sherlock. He was part of the deal now, wasn’t he? "Do you want me to..."  
  
Sherlock nodded, smiling shyly.    
  
Jim took the pen, and rolled up the sleeve of the arm John wasn't holding. He wasn't very good at drawing, but...how difficult this could be?

 

Quite difficult. Jim looked at what he had drawn. It didn’t look like a butterfly. At all. But when he looked at Sherlock, he was smiling and looking at him fondly.  
  
"Thank you”

  
Jim covered Sherlock's arm again, feeling awkward. "Let's eat, it's getting late"

 

John smiled encouragingly at Jim. "Smells great."

 

Jim smiled back at John, sat down and started eating. "There's more if you want", he replied  
  
"It's more than enough, thanks", John assured.

 

"Yes, I thought so. After all the tea we've drinked today..." Jim replied with a smile.  
  
John rolled his eyes, snorting. "Magic solution, I swear."

 

Jim relaxed after that. It was weird, how comfortable he felt with them, even after all that had happened. He finished his food quickly, as always. When he looked up, Sherlock had barely tasted it. He looked at John, who was eating. Not much, but...it was something. "Sherlock? Is something wrong?"  
  
"I'm not hungry"  
  
That was...bad, wasn't it? Jim looked at John again, worried.

 

John shook his head. "It's good, he just doesn't get hungry often." he assured.

 

Sherlock looked uncomfortable, and started to eat slow and mechanically. Jim stood up and took his plate to the sink. For some reason he found the way Sherlock was eating...disturbing.

 

John sighed. "You don't  _have_  to eat, if you don't want to Sherlock."

 

"Yes, I do. I promised my mother I would. I promised  _you_ "

 

"Yes, but when you're actually hungry, which you would be later."

 

Sherlock  nodded, and stopped eating.

 

"Good", John nodded. "We can go, then. Your house, Jim? You mentioned you had to go there"   
  
Jim nodded, nervous. "Yes, I...I have to make sure my mother is okay. It would only take a minute"

 

"That should be fine, it's a nice day out as it is."

 

"Okay, Let's go.", said Jim. They already knew about his mother. What was the worst that could happen?

 

"Right. I'll take my jacket and i'm ready", Sherlock replied.

  
John smiled at him and got his phone, turning it on a bit reluctantly. Instantly it began to vibrate and John shoved it in his pocket, tense. Jim didn’t comment anything. If John wanted them to know, he’d tell them.

 

"I'll wait at the door", John  assured, walking down the hall as he slipped  his phone out.

 

Jim glanced at him, worried, but followed Sherlock upstairs, not wanting him to be alone right now. They took their jackets, and John’s, and then went to the front door to meet John.

 

John looked....sick. He was pale, and his hands were trembling. Sherlock glanced at Jim for a second, and then went to John and kissed his cheek softly, handing him the jacket.

 

Jim was going to kill Greg. Or, at least, make his life extremely difficult. "Sherlock? Are you recovered enough for this?", he asked, trying to focus on other things.  
  
"It doesn't hurt", Sherlock replied

 

"No strenuous rides." John said sternly, taking a deep breath

 

Sherlock nodded, and walked to the car. Jim followed him, and told the driver his address. John climbed into the car after them, sliding his phone into his pocket as he did so.

 

Jim was nervous. If his mother had a bad day...he didn't want them to see. And he had never taken anybody home, he had no idea of how would she react. "If...if my mother isn't...fine, I don't...want to talk about it", he said, after a while

 

"We could wait outside if you'd like," John offered.

 

"I think that would be better", he said, relieved. Coward. He was a coward. He had promised them not to hide, and that was precisely what he was doing. 

Sherlock looked at Jim, worried.  "Would you be alright?"  
   
"Of course." Jim said, pretending to feel confident

 

"I'm sure she's alright." John assured softly.

 

"And...John? Don't mention my mother’s state to my therapist", he added. That might be dangerous. If they knew how bad his mother was....

 

John nodded, frowning. "Of course not."

 

Sherlock stared at Jim, with a million questions in his eyes. But Jim couldn’t do this, not right now.   
  
"Sherlock...don't ask", John said calmly.   
  
“Fine", Sherlock said, looking down.

 

 

Sherlock looked so...hurt. Jim glanced at John, grateful, and tried to ignore the guilt. None of them said anything until they reached Jim’s house.

 

 

When the car stopped, Jim looked at them. "It'll be just a minute", he said, getting out of the car. He was nervous, and had no idea of what was waiting for him inside.

 

 

He entered the house. It was silent, which was a good sign. He went to her mother's room. She was sleeping, and the nurse told him that she had had a good day, and should wake up soon. Calmer, he went to the bed and kissed her cheek. In that moment she woke up and looked at him terrified, and started to scream. Jim moved to the door again. "Mum, It's me, Jim", he tried, knowing that it wouldn't work. He left the room, letting the nurse do his job. Why had he done that? He should have just leave her sleep.

 

He went to the car, and couldn’t even look at them. Accept help, John had said. Today had been just too much. He sat and closed his eyes, exhausted. Accept help. How was he supposed to do that? How could they help?  
  
He didn’t know what to say or do. When the car started to move again, he felt a hand holding his hand.

  
The sudden contact was almost too much. He squeezed the hand (Sherlock's? John's? It didn't matter), and tried to forget what had just happened.

 

"So...this place we are going to....tell me about it", Sherlock said softly.

 

"It's an amusement park. Your normal ferris wheel, roller coasters, water rides." John replied. He sounded tense.  

 

"I've never been to one", answered Sherlock. "Is it...fun?"

 

"Very. Neither of you have a fear of heights do you?"

 

Finally, Jim opened his eyes, more in control. "No"  
  
"No, but...I don't know if I can...move too much", added Sherlock, worried

 

"That's fine. There are things that don't move too much."

 

Sherlock nodded. "Sounds good. What about your friends, Jim? Tell me about them"  
  
Friends? He had never thought about them like that, but...maybe Sherlock was right. "You know them, you've seen them at school. What can  _you_  tell me about them?"  
  
"Sebastian is...well, scary. He is always so calm and controlled. And...strong. He is...He doesn't have much money. His clothes are old. And...he seems to do everything you told him. Molly...I don't know, she is always reading, and doesn't talk too much. But when the teacher asks her a question in class, she always answer right. She is clever."  
  
"Well, you are right. And they are dating, in that point when they forgot about everything else. It's...well, you'll see" It was...sweet, actually, but he wasn't going to say that

 

"Sounds cute." John muttered, looking out the window.

 

It seemed to be so easy for them. They liked expending time together, they liked each other, they were together. That was it. Why things were so complicated for him? "Yeah", Jim said.

 

Finally they arrived. Jim got out of the car and texted Seb; they were on their way and would arrive in about twenty minutes.   
  
"Jim? Do your friends know...about us?", Sherlock asked.  
  
"Some of it. Not all. But there's  no need to give any explanation. They won't ask", he replied, observing John. He looked too nervous, and was trying to hide it. Something was wrong. And...John was paying for the three of them to go in. He frowned, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he took Sherlock's hand and walked to John. He checked the price, and gave John the money for the three of them. "I'm paying for this", he said in a firm tone. John wouldn't have much money, with his current family situation.

  
John  studied Jim for a long moment and nodded. "Thanks, Jim." he smiled awkwardly.

 

Without releasing Sherlock's hand, Jim put his hand on John's shoulder. "The purpose of coming here was to relax. We all need that"  
  
"You're right, sorry."  
    
Sherlock kissed John's cheek. "Okay. Show me why this is fun", he said with a smile.  
  
John grinned. "Which do you prefer? Heights or speed?"   
  
"Speed?" Sherlock replied, smiling.

  
Jim relaxed a bit, too. Maybe he could be able to enjoy this after all.  
  
 "Waltzer?" John suggested  
  
Sherlock nodded, and took John's arm. Then looked at.Jim, and he thought for a second that Sherlock was going to let his hand go, but he didn’t "Okay, Let's try that"  
  
John looked at how they were joined and nodded, leading them towards the ride, where there were a few people queuing.  
  
Jim had the sensation of being watched. He looked around, but didn't see anybody familiar. Maybe it was just the tension from before. "I came here once", he said. "My mother brought me, I was...twelve"  
  
"Did you enjoy it?, John asked.

    
Why had he talked about that? "Well...when is the last time you enjoyed something you were forced to do? Apparently I had  _sociability problems_ , and it was decided that I should do these sort of things"

"Fair point.", John muttered  
   
  
"But now you are here because you want to", said Sherlock softly  
   
Jim nodded, and smiled.

 

They waited at the queue, just holding hands. It was...comfortable. Until he saw a familiar figure approaching them.

 

"John?" Greg called, approaching them.

 

Jim changed his almost relaxed expression for a carefully controlled one. Then he smiled, and changed slightly the way he was holding hands with Sherlock, so it would appear that he was grabbing Sherlock almost by force. Only then he turned to face Greg. 

 

 


	57. Chapter 57

 

Sherlock glanced at him, just for a second, and Jim knew he understood. Then Sherlock looked down and let Jim grab him. He hoped it worked. For now, he focused on staying calm.

 

John turned slowly, his eyes wide. "G-Greg? Hey."  
   
Greg stepped into the line with them. "Fancy meeting you lot here." he smiled, leaning close to John to kiss his cheek.  
   
John blushed brightly, moving a couple of steps back.

 

Jim studied their body language. Intimacy, closeness. And John was...both comfortable and uncomfortable with this. He smiled sweetly, wanting to take Greg’s attention away from John.

 

"Oh, what a  _coincidence_. Sebastian and Molly are coming too. This is going to be so much  _fun_ ", he said, keeping the smile on his face.

 

John looked away from them all, mortified and terrified. "Go. Away. Greg", he spat.

 

Greg looked at Jim and Sherlock, smiling deviously. "He's just so shy about his emotions."

 

Jim broadened his smile, and spoke in a soft and sweet tone. "Oh, indeed. Most people are. Because, you know, having somebody spreading rumours about you might inspire emotions, such as...revenge"

  
Greg blinked innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about, _James_."

 

He didn't show any reaction at the name. It didn't mean it hadn't hurt, but he had a lot of practise hiding it. And he wasn't going to let Greg see him weak. "Oh, then I should apologise,  _Gregory_. After all, there are so many people with access to confidential police files. What a silly mistake", he said, still smiling. Then he changed his expression to a cold and calculating one. "I won't commit it again"

 

"Oh, I'm sure you won't. You never make the same mistake twice, do you? Or.. do you?" Greg replied, laughing lightly and folding his arms across his chest. "I was wondering if I could take John for maybe half an hour? I swear I'll bring him back safe."

 

Jim raised an eyebrow, pretending to be amused. "Are you asking me for permission? Oh, I  _own_  John now. Fascinating, I wasn't aware of that"  
  
"Well, you seem to own everybody around here. It's like one bit act and your just.. experimenting on all of them." Greg’s grin turned feral. He looked at John, eye brow raised. "Johnny, you  _want_  to come with me, don't you?"  
  


Jim glanced at John. Sherlock was holding his hand, and both of them were pale.

  
"I-I.. No." John said shakily, obviously scared.  
  
Greg sighed. "I though our lovely chat this morning helped you realize.. things." He shook his head sadly, his eyes becoming watery. "I mean...  _you_  kissed  _me_."

 

Sherlock was trembling.  Jim kept holding his hand, and realised he hat to take them away from Greg soon.

 

" _Experimenting_ , oh, yes. You know how good I am at that", he said smiling again. Bastard. He hated him, and he would pay for this. "You see,  _Gregory_ , Sherlock and I have a deal. None of your business, of course, but John insisted to come with us. So....as you see, we are busy"

 

Greg smiled sweetly. "Well, if John simply  _insisted_  on coming along, then you two really don't need him. Deals are usually one on one, aren't they? John's shouldn't be a third wheel."

 

"Not always. But, as I told you, it's  _none of your business_. Besides, Sherlock is much more fun when John is close. You had your own deal with Sherlock, I'm aware, but....he is no longer interested. As you pointed out, I seem to own everybody here. Isn't it  _lovely_?”  He said, brushing Sherlock's cheek. "Sherlock,  _darling_ , could you do something for me?", he said, letting his hand go.   
  
Sherlock looked at Jim. He was so...scared. "Yes, Jim", he whispered.

  
"Kiss John's cheek", he said, turning to look at Greg, as if he had no doubt that Sherlock would do what he had told him to.   
  
"See? Much more fun.", he told Greg when he heard the kiss. He glanced at John, who looked more relaxed and was blushing again.

  
Greg seemed to stiffen, eyes narrowing. "Now, now, Jim. I think you've proved your point. But as much as you seem to own everyone, _I_  own Johnny here. And he knows it."

 

"Indeed. Telling you that he didn't want to go with you   _clearly_  proves that. I don't know how I didn't see it before. And...well, i think you still remember that part about John being  _under my protection_? Maybe you need a reminder. Didn't Sebastian make it clear enough?", he said, seeing Seb and Molly walking to them, holding hands.

 

Greg hummed in thought. "Not quite, though my dad might have something to say about it if I tell him." He shrugged. "And under your protection or not, still  _mine_. Always has been and always will. I'd like to see you try and stop me."

 

"Oh, a chat with your father would be  _delightful_. Just tell me when you want me to talk with him. I have so many things to tell him, you know?", he said, walking a step closer. "You'll get your wish, then. You'll see me stop you. Don't say I didn't warn you"  
 

John groaned. "Can both of you just  _stop_?" He glared at Greg. "I said leave me alone, and you'd better. As much leverage as you think you have on  _them_ , I have more on you." He spat, genuinely angry.  
  
Greg blinked, holding back a smile. "You wouldn't dare, Johnny boy. I've got twice as much on you." He smirked at John's confused look, though the confusion soon turned to defeat.

 

Jim didn't comment anything anything as Seb and Molly arrived. Seb didn't say anything, just stood at his side holding Molly's hand. Molly kissed his cheek smiling nervously, and then she greeted Sherlock, John, and, to his surprise, Greg, in the same way. "Sorry we are late", she said, blushing.

 

Jim observed the interactions, fascinated. John looked glad she had broken the tension. Sherlock...looked jealous about the kiss. And Greg was pursing his lips, and looked angry. When Molly noticed that, she moved closer to Sebastian, who put an arm around her shoulders and glared at Greg.

 

Greg looked around slowly. "Nice talk. I'll see you later, John." he smiled innocently and backed away slowly.

 

Jim had wanted a break, a chance to relax after all that had happened lately. This was what today was about.. But he had learned long ago that he could never relax, not totally. He felt the impulse of breaking something, of shouting or crying, or...he had no idea. It was just too much.  
  


None of them said anything until there was nobody waiting in front of them to get on the waltzer.

 

"So, will we go on?" John asked asked, tense.   
  


Sherlock nodded, looking worried.  
   
Jim let everyone else in first and sat at the opposite side of Sherlock. Between him and John, he would be fine. And then Sherlock took his hand, and Jim found it easier to breathe.   
    
He squeezed Sherlock's hand gently as the bar was locked down. Slowly the car began to spin, as the conveyer moved in a circle, quickly, the car spinning with gravity of those in the car, gradually getting faster.  
    
Jim felt his body pressed against Sherlock's, and looked at his face for signs of pain. Sherlock was tense, and Jim wasn't sure if he was in pain or not. He tried to protect him as good as he could.

 

When he looked away from Sherlock, he found Molly looking at him with a fond smile on her lips. He smiled back shyly, and tried to stop thinking about everything that had happened today  
   
Eventually the ride ended and Sherlock seemed to be fine. Less tense, at least.  
    
"You were right. It was fun", said Sherlock, still holding his hand. And John’s.

    
"Glad you think so." John said happily. 

  
They were so good together. He looked away from them, and met Molly’s gaze.

 

She looked at him for a moment, and then turned to Sebastian

 

"Seb?", she whispered, worried.  
   
Sebastian looked at Jim, unsure. “Jim? Can we talk?"  
   
Jim nodded, and releasing Sherlock's hand walked with Seb a few steps away.  
   
"Are you...upset because Molly and I..."  
   
"Of course not, Seb. I told you it was alright."  
   
"Then what's wrong? And don't tell me nothing"  
   
Jim studied Seb. His friends, Sherlock had said. "Greg", he said after a while.  
   
"Do you want me to...do something about that?"  
   
"Not yet. I'll let you known. And...thank you"  
   
Sebastian looked at him, surprised, and then they walked to meet the others.  
  
Jim wasn't sure when the mask he wore around Molly had stopped to be a mask to became a part of himself. His friends. Well. Maybe that was true. He still felt on edge, but he kept trying to hid it. As soon as he arrived, Sherlock took his hand again. He smiled, and kept trying to calm down. But Sherlock noticed the tension somehow, and let his hand go. Then Sherlock looked at John.

 

"What else can we do here?"

 

"Ferris wheel?" John offered, craning his neck to look up at the moving wheel.  
 

Sherlock smiled. "We could see the whole city from there! Yes, let's go"  
 

John chuckled at Sherlock's enthusiasm. "Okay, okay."  
  


"Hey, it was  _your_  idea", Sherlock said still smiling.  
   
 John rolled his eyes. "Only teasing," he tsked, squeezing Sherlock's hand affectionately.  
  


Sherlock looked him in the eyes and kissed his cheek.

.  
Jim followed them, with Seb at his side holding Molly. Sherlock and John really were good together, he thought, observing them, John had blushed again, and Sherlock was touching his cheeks fascinated, and whispered something in John’s ear that made him blush even more.   
  


"Then do." John replied, holding Sherlock's gaze. And then Sherlock kissed John, soft and tenderly, and Jim looked away.   
 

Jim wasn't jealous. Not exactly. But to see them like this made him wonder again what the hell he was doing, how did he fit there.  
  


"Jim, are you alright?"  
   
 Molly's worried voice brought him back to reality. "Yes", he lied, forcing his body to relax. Then he glanced at Sherlock and John again. There were talking in whispers, and looked happier.   
   
Jim wondered if they would notice if he left. Probably not. It hurt, but he didn't let it show on his face. Or maybe he did, a bit. Because John glanced at him and then whispered something else in Sherlock’s ear, and Sherlock looked at him. Then, without letting John’s hand go, he took Jim’s and kissed him softly.   
    
He hadn't been expecting this. Like always, Sherlock's kiss made him forget about everything else, and, finally, he was able to relax. When Sherlock moved away, Jim was smiling. He still wasn't totally in control, but the kiss had reminded him why he was doing it. It was worth it. He looked at Sherlock, who was smiling too and hadn't let his hand go. Amazing.  
   
Sherlock looked at John again. "More romantic, you were saying?"  
   
John chuckled, shaking his head. "Yes I did say that, didn't I?" He asked, smiling, leading them to the longer queue for the Ferris Wheel  
   
"Romantic", Jim repeated, looking at Sherlock. "I didn't thought you where  _romantic_ ", he said still smiling. "You should have told me that", he added in a whisper.  
   
Sherlock blushed, and didn’t reply.  Jim moved even close to Sherlock's ear, an kept speaking in whispers. "You should have come to my room last night. Didn't you like it last time?"  
   
 Sherlock blushed even more at the memory. "N....next time?", he asked, unsure.  
   
 "Your choice, love", Jim whispered with a kiss on his cheek.


	58. Chapter 58

They kept talking about nothing important, until it was their turn. Strangely, Jim found himself being comfortable around people. Nobody judged him, and he was able to relax and talk with them.  
  
There was, at most, space for three in each small car. Molly and Seb went into one together, leaving Jim, Sherlock and John to get in the next.  
   
 It was clearly prepared for two people, Jim though, looking at the car. But the three of them could fit in one without much trouble. Jim entered first, with Sherlock behind him.  
    
John  followed them in, closing the cage door behind them as they sat down.

   
"Your friends are...nice", said Sherlock, smiling.  
   
Jim nodded, and took Sherlock's hand again. John gently held Sherlock's other hand and nodded in agreement. "They really are."

  
When they started to move, Jim felt as if he had left his problems on the ground. Here, it was just the three of them. He trusted John, as much as he could trust somebody. And Sherlock...he loved Sherlock. He felt...safe. He glanced at Sherlock, and they eyes met. Jim couldn’t look away. Sherlock was looking at him in that strange way, like if he could read all his secrets with a glance. And then the expression changed, and Sherlock was smiling. Jim tried to figure out what he was thinking, but before he had time for it he felt a kiss on his hand.

 

Speechless, he saw how Sherlock took John’s hand and kissed it, too. There was nobody else here. Nobody was watching, and it felt...right.  
    
Jim smiled at Sherlock, feeling totally relaxed. It was a strange sensation. He took Sherlock's hand, and kissed it in the same way Sherlock had done before. Sherlock reaction was....blushing. He smiled again, and glanced at John, who was stroking Sherlock’s other hand slowly,  watching them in content.  
  
"I could get used to this", whispered Jim. Maybe it would work, after all.  
   
Sherlock smiled, happy. "I'm not going anywhere"  
      
They still had to talk about a lot of things, but right now...it was just too perfect. John had been right, they needed something like this.

 

"Jim...will you stay tonight, too?", Sherlock asked shyly.   
   
Jim looked at Sherlock, and then at John, and hesitated. "Don't you want...some time alone?"  
  
John looked at Sherlock for a long moment. "We'll manage a night", he assured, rolling his eyes.  
    
There was no class tomorrow. Why not? "I have to take some clothes from home"  
    
Sherlock grinned. "We'll pick them up on the way back."  
   
   
They really want him there. Both of them. There had been no doubt or hesitation when they had asked. He sighed, happy, and didn’t say anything, just enjoying the view and the company. They could see the whole town from here  
   
After a while, Sherlock rested his head on John's shoulder. "Look, there is my house", he said, pointing at it.

 

John  whistled lowly, impressed.  
   
Jim looked at Sherlock's house. It looked impressive from here. And it was...huge. He had almost forgotten how big it was. "Sherlock...do you live alone, apart from John?"  
  
"Yes, since I was thirteen. My mother travels a lot, and my brother is studying abroad."  
  
Jim didn't say anything, and squeezed his hand.

 

"House is too big for just one, or two, people," John hummed, pursing his lips as the stayed at the top for a few moments.

 

"Well, you only seem to use one room and the kitchen", said Jim with a smile

 

"When I was...I don't know, around...five or six, I used to play hide and seek with my brother. You would be amazed of how many places you can hide in that house", Sherlock replied with a smile

 

Jim smiled, imagining the scene. "I bet I can found you anywhere you hide in that house"  
  
"Really? And  _what_  do you bet?"  
  
"I'll think about it. Are you sure you want to bet against me?"  
  
Sherlock grinned. "Positive"  
  
"Fine. We'll talk about it later, then", Jim replied. Sherlock had sounded so sure. Maybe...this wasn’t a good idea.

          

"Oh God another bet." John rolled his eyes in amusement.

 

Sherlock looked at him. "Do you want to try to find me, too?"  
   
  
"Nah, I'll be the judge. No cheating, obviously."  
   
  
"Define  _cheating_ ", said Jim smirking.  
   
   
John snorted. "No following Sherlock while he hides, no using me as bait." He hummed thoughtfully. "I can't think of any more, but I will!"  
   
  
"Yes, think about it. I'll think what I want to bet", Jim replied  
  
"You better have a good hiding place, Sherlock." John teased.   
  
"Oh, more than one. Don't worry, John. He'll _never_ find me"  
  
"This should be fun." John laughed, perfectly relaxed.  
  
Jim nodded. "Oh, yes. It will"  
    
"So. Anything else down there take your fancy?" John asked them, as they went up for the last time.  
  
Jim noticed the driver and the other...bodyguard? waiting for them discreetly. They were good. Then he looked up at the sky, glad it was so sunny and warm. And then Sherlock did something strange. Before he had time to react, Sherlock took a picture of him and another of John.  
  
John blinked owlishly after his picture was taken. "You, and your pictures." he smiled.  
    
Smiling, Sherlock  showed the picture to John. Jim couldn’t see it, but John’s expression showed that it made him a bit uncomfortable.

    
Still smiling, Sherlock passed Jim his phone, and showed him the picture he had taken. In it, Jim was  totally relaxed, with a smile on his lips, looking happy and calm.   
Jim stared at the image. That...wasn't him. Couldn't be.  
  
    
"What...what had you...done to me?", he whispered, scared. He could never be that person, not for a long time.  
   
Sherlock's smile vanished. "Loving you", he replied calmly.  
  
Jim was speechless. Had he really changed that much? "I want a photo of us together. Maybe Molly can take it, later", he said when he felt able to speak again.  
   
John  rose an eyebrow and looked at him, with a silent question on his face.

    
"Well, it would be quite difficult to make Sherlock release your hand", he said. He wanted John there. He wouldn't be able to do this without him, and...i .didn't feel right without him. But Jim didn't like to express or talk about emotions too much. It was easier this way.   
  
John looked at him for a moment, and then laughed. "Glued to each other."  
    
Nobody talked, after that. Being like this, just with Sherlock and John....Jim almost felt safe.

    
When they reached the bottom, John helped the two others out. "Fun?"   
Sherlock nodded, still smiling.  
   
"Not bad", added Jim  
  
    
John snorted. "Liar. You loved it." he joked.  
   
    
"Being alone with you two in a place nobody can get in? Why would I love something like that?", Jim asked with a smile.  
   
  
"Because we're amazing." John replied sarcastically. "Obviously."  
   
  
"Oh, shut up you two", Sherlock said. "Let's have that photograph taken now"  
   
   
Jim nodded, and gave Molly his phone. Smiling, she moved a few steps away. "Ready?"  
  
He sighed and nodded. moving closer to John and Sherlock two. He really didn't like photo's the best of time. He smiled at the camera, though smiles always seemed more strained when you knew you were going to be photographed.  
  
Sherlock frowned  "Right. Look at me, both of you"  
  
John rose an eye brow and looked at Sherlock a bit skeptically.  
    
Jim looked at Sherlock, after a tense glance around them.  
   
"Tell me why what we had just done felt good for you", Sherlock whispered, looking from one to the other.  
 

"It was... relaxing? Fun?", John offered  
  
"Safe", whispered Jim, his eyes fixed on Sherlock.  
   
"It was, yes. All of that", Sherlock replied, taking their hands. Slowly, Jim relaxed, and noticed John was calmer, too.   
    
   
Molly giggled and gave Jim his phone back. "Since you weren't ready for a photo, I made a video"  
    
John grinned. "Clever."  
    
Jim played the video. He couldn't hear them talking, but he didn't need to, he remembered it. He saw himself relaxing as he looked Sherlock in the eyes, and John doing the same. And Sherlock looking happy. "Thanks, Molly"  
   
She smiled, and didn't say anything.  
  
 

Jim stopped the video so it showed clearly Sherlock's face, happy and relaxed, and  turned the phone so Sherlock could see the screen.   
   
 "John did a good job with my hair, didn't he? He cut it yesterday"  
  
John grinned bashfully. "It's alright."  
    
Sherlock smiled, and kissed John’s cheek..  
  
"See, Molly? This is when  you take a photograph", said Jim with a smile.  
   
She laughed at that, and started taking pictures with her phone.    
    
To his surprise, Jim found himself relaxing again. Not totally, of course. But he knew Seb and Molly would never hurt him, and he trusted John and Sherlock.

 

 It was strangely easy.

 

 


	59. Chapter 59

"So, John....something else I can do here?", asked Sherlock after a while.

    
 "I'm not to sure. We could walk around and look?"  
  
Sherlock nodded, as John led them slowly through the fair, looking around. It was a sunny day, and it felt good to be somewhere apart from home and school. Jim walked with them, trying to keep that sensation of safety he had had before. Behind them Molly and Seb walked, lost in each other. It was...nice.  
  
John hummed quietly along with music that was playing. "Found anything yet?"  
  
"Maybe...I could wait  for you sitting somewhere", Sherlock offered, unsure.

"I could wait with you, if you want." John replied.  

  
"Are you sure?", Sherlock asked

 

"Positive."  
   
 

Jim looked at them carefully. Maybe they needed some time alone. After all, he had been there yesterday, and was going to stay tonight. "We can meet here in...half an hour", he proposed.

 

John nodded. "That sounds good. We can head when we meet, then."

 

Jim looked at Sherlock. He wanted to....he had no idea of what he wanted to do. Kiss him, or just hold his hand. "Fine", he said, glancing at Molly and Seb. They would ask about them, at least Molly would.   
  
Smiling, Sherlock kissed Jim's cheek. "See you later"  
  
Jim nodded, trying to keep his cheeks from blushing, and walked away with Seb and Molly without looking back. He could hear them whispering to each other, but he ignored it.

 

 

“So....are you going to explain us what’s going on?”, Molly asked softly.

 

“Molly....”, Sebastian said, hesitant.

 

“It’s okay, Seb. I...I’m with Sherlock now”

 

“And John?”

 

“John is with Sherlock, too”

 

Molly looked at him, confused. “How is that....supposed to work?”

 

Jim sighed. “I don’t know. We....we've talked a lot about it. It’s....complicated. But it makes Sherlock happy. And John is okay with it”

 

“And you? Does it make _you_ happy?”

 

Jim hesitated. “I...think so. John....John helps”

 

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.”Let me see if I got that right. John is....helping you to be with his boyfriend?”

 

Jim tensed, and looked away. “Yes”

 

“Jim? Are you....sure about this?”, Molly asked softly.

 

Jim looked her in the eyes. “I...don’t think I could do it without John”, he whispered.

 

“So....you and John....”

 

“No! No, John is my.....friend. And he wants Sherlock happy, too”. He sighed. “I _know_. And...believe me, it’s more complicated from the inside. But....it’s working”

 

Molly and Sebastian looked at each other, and then at him, with worried expressions. “If....you need anything.....” Molly offered.

 

Jim forced a smile. “Of course”.

 

After that they just walked for a while, talking about unimportant things. Finally, they headed to the place where they had left Sherlock and John. Without realising it, Seb and Molly had started to walk closer to each other and a bit away from him. It wasn't their fault, he knew they couldn't help it, but Jim was....bored. Well, not exactly. But his mind hadn't been busy for a while, and was focusing on inconvenient things.

 

Until he saw Sherlock and John. Both looking happy and relaxed, and as close to each other as they could. He relaxed a bit as he walked to them. It was an instinctive reaction, they made him feel...safer. "Hi. Are you feeling better?"  
  
Sherlock nodded, smiling

 

"Did you do anything fun?", John asked.

 

"It was...interesting.", Jim said, forcing a smile. "Do you want to have an ice cream? There's a place over there selling them. We could go"

 

Yeah, that's a good plan”, John nodded, helping Sherlock up.

 

Sherlock looked at Jim, clearly noticing that something was wrong. Luckily, he didn’t mention it. "Let's go, then. I haven't had an ice cream in years"

 

"Same here", John hummed, taking Sherlock's hand.

 

Jim smiled, and walked close to Sherlock.

 

"I'm paying this time" John warned.

 

"If you insist", said Jim. It seemed to be important for him, and it was just an ice cream, so not very expensive.   
  
"So that means next time I am paying?", asked Sherlock with a smile

 

"If you want." John shrugged. "Though I may not let you."

 

"Oh shut up", said Jim with a smile. "Let's get the ice creams, alright? John is paying this time. We'll discuss next time"

 

John grinned triumphantly as they walked. "Great "

  
Smiling, Sherlock took Jim's hand too.

 

 

They walked silently after that. Jim found strangely comfortable holding Sherlock’s hand. When they got to the ice cream place, Molly looked at Seb, and when he nodded, she said, blushing, "It was...fun, but we....we have to go"

Jim smiled at that. "Oh, of course. I'm sure you are terribly busy"

 

John waved at them. "It was great seeing you both."

  
 Jim watched them leave, remembering Molly's words. They looked so....happy together. He looked back at John. "Ice cream, you said. Chocolate for me. Sherlock?"  
  
"Y..yeah, chocolate sounds good"

 

John nodded, ordering the ice cream and a butterscotch one for himself.

 

Jim looked at Sherlock silently for a minute. "Sherlock, what's wrong?"  
  
"How many people have you dated?"  
  
Jim raised an eyebrow. "Well, that depends on your definition of dating"  
  
"Like...us"  
  
Jim smiled, amused. "Then, only you"  
  
"No, I mean...John? You know what I mean, don't you?"

He nodded. "I do. He means in any way, Jim. That _you_ considered a form of dating. Whatever the reason."  
 

"That _I_ considered a form of dating?" What was dating? Going to places together, kissing, and saying what it was expected? No. He thought about it carefully. Dating was... _wanting_ to be with somebody, being emotionally involved. What he had done before...he could have walked away from all of them without thinking it twice. They had been useful, he had achieved what he had wanted, but..."You", he repeated, serious.  
  
"Come on, Jim. We agreed, no lies about us"  
  
"I'm not lying, Sherlock. On my definition of dating, I've only dated you. If you have another definition..."

Sherlock looked at him, thinking, and John paid for their ice cream.  
  
"How many people had thought they were dating you?", Sherlock said, finally.

Jim smiled. That was better question. "About nine"  
  
" _About_?"  
  
"Well, I can't know what people think...so I can't be totally sure."  
  
  
John handed them their ice creams, licking idly at his own.  
  
Jim took his, still focused on Sherlock. "What's the real problem, Sherlock?"  
   
"You...John and you are okay with this. And...it feels...right. But...what if John or you....want somebody else?"  
   
Jim looked at his worried face. "Sherlock, I don't want anybody else"  
   
"When did you and Molly..."  
   
"When did we break up? Is that what worries you? The day before you kissed me", he said, smiling.  
    
"The day _before_? But you couldn't know I was going to do that. I didn't know I was going to do it"  
   
"Sherlock, as surprising as it might sound, not _everything_ in my life is about you", he said. It was...more or less true.  
   
"Then what....what happened?"  
   
Jim sighted. "I'll tell you if you finish your ice cream", he replied, seeing how it had started to melt and Sherlock hadn't touched it.  
   
Sherlock looked at him and smiled. "Deal", he replied, starting to eat.  
    
"Let's sit." John offered, gesturing to the tables and seats around them.  
    
Sherlock nodded, and walked with John to a table.  
   
Jim followed them, thinking about what had happened with Molly. He sat down, and ate slowly, enjoying it. That was unusual for him, he usually ate fast, his brain still believing that somebody would take the food again. But right now, he was able to relax.  
   
Sherlock finished his ice cream as soon as he could, long before the others.  
   
Jim smiled at that. "The story is not that good, Sherlock"  
   
"Let me decide that. So...what happened?"  
   
"We kissed"  
   
"You kissed. You broke up because you kissed", he said, confused.  
   
Of course. Sherlock only had kissed John and him. He couldn't understand. "Ask John to explain", he said, remembering the similar sensation of kissing John.  
   
Sherlock nodded, and looked at John, more confused than before.  
  
John rose an eye brow at Jim.. "If you're not attracted to someone, the kiss doesn't mean anything. They can be lovely and a good kisser, but if you're not attracted, then it's just... weird. Feels off." He shrugged. "Like if you were to kiss Molly, you probably wouldn't like it cause you don't fancy her. Same goes for anyone."  
  
"Yes, that's it. I could have...faked it. I've done it before. But Molly is...Well, it's better this way. She is happy with Seb", Jim added.   
   
Sherlock frowned. "If you weren't attracted to her why were you dating?"  
   
Jim didn't want him to know that. "Lots of reasons. And they don't concern you"  
  
  
"You are lying"  
   
"Sherlock. Don't ask me those kind of things. I am not a good person"  
   
"Jim..."  
   
"Remember what we spoke about this morning? Jim asked you to drop it. So leave it." John said softly.

    
"We also agreed not to lie", Sherlock replied said, looking back at Jim.  
   
"About us. And how exactly my reasons for dating Molly have anything to do with us? I didn't know you then"  
   
Sherlock nodded, but didn’t look convinced.   
 

John glanced at Jim. "Will we go'" he asked cautiously.  
   
Jim tried to calm down. It was irrational, Sherlock knew what he had done to John, and he still loved him. "I never hurt Molly", he said, defensive. 

"I know. John is right, let's go", Sherlock said, a bit coldly. John rose to his feet with a sigh, throwing out the rest of his ice cream. "Ready?", he asked, helping Sherlock to get up.

 

Jim nodded, wondering what Sherlock and John had been talking about, that had caused Sherlock to ask that. "If you want me to stay with you tonight, I need to go home and take some clothes". If they had offered first, he could have done it before. And right now he wasn’t sure if the offer still applied. To his surprise, they both nodded, and they started to walk to the car.   
  
Jim glanced at Sherlock's face. Whatever had been bothering him before was still there. But Sherlock wasn't asking, and he had talked about emotions enough for a long time.

He could feel the tension in Sherlock and John. And...in himself, too. He didn't like it. He stopped before they reached the car. "Stop it. Both of you. What's wrong?", he asked, tense. "Short version, please"  
  
"I'm worried about people watching us. About school. About you and John, and about what happened with Greg"  
  
"That's all?"  
  
"About you leaving. About John leaving. About hurting any of you"

 

John frowned at what Sherlock was saying. When Jim looked at him he sighed and answered. "I guess I'm just worried about you guys and what's going on with Greg and then with my parents and sister." He shrugged. "Mainly you two."

 

Sherlock stared at Jim. "Your turn?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You are tense, too. Go on. What's wrong?"  
  
Jim glanced around one more time. He didn't want to talk about it, but Sherlock was right: he couldn't ask them to talk without sharing anything with them. "I'm worried about...you finding out things about me and walking away. About...John doing the same. About...my mother, and what is going to happen with my assessment next week. About Greg, because after today I have to do something about him."

 

"I could kill Greg if you'd like." John offered. "Hang him off a flag pole."

 

Jim couldn't help a smile. "Messy. I think I'll just go on with my original plan."

 

John shrugged, smiling. "Can't blame me for trying."

 

"I'll keep it in mind, though. A backup plan is always useful", Jim replied with a smile.

 

"Just provide rope and I'm your man." John smiled.

 

Sherlock had remained silent, thinking. "We are all worried about us", he said softly. "It's...nice to know that I'm not the only one"  
  
"Of course you aren't. Come. let's go", said Jim, taking his hand. Maybe he shouldn't do it, but...he wanted to.

 

John smiled fondly at them and let them get into the car first, humming quietly to himself.

Jim entered the car behind Sherlock, and closed the door. Back to his house again.

 

"So...did Molly threaten to kill you if you hurt me?", Sherlock teased  
  
"Well, something like that"

 

John snorted, looking out the window as they drove.

 

Sherlock was still holding Jim's hand. He had been surprised at the gesture. Without releasing Jim, Sherlock let his head rest on John's shoulder. It had been a long day, and he was tired. John  kissed the top of Sherlock's head sweetly, continuing to look out the window.

 

Jim remained silent until they arrived to his house. He opened the door and hesitated. After everything they had shared...."It might take a while. Come in"

 

John nodded slowly. "You sure?" He asked as they followed him from the car.

 

He didn't want to go inside alone, after this morning. Instead of answering, he took Sherlock's hand, and, after a second of hesitation, John's, and walked to the door.

 

Everything was silent. Jim released their hands and walked to his mother's room without looking back. His mother was sitting on a chair, and the nurse was combing her hair. He walked to her and kissed her cheek. "Hi, mum", he whispered, but she didn't react at all. 

 

He sighed, and went out of the room. Sherlock took his hand again. "Where's your room?"  
  
"Upstairs", he replied, squeezing Sherlock's hand.

 

John followed them upstairs closely, looking around silently.

Once in his room, Jim closed the door after them, feeling a bit self conscious. After seeing Sherlock’s house, and his bedroom, he had no idea of what they would think.  Sherlock sat on his bed, and looked around. There wasn’t much to see;  a bed, a desk, a laptop, a wardrobe. A shelf with some books, scientific texts, not novels. Nothing else. No photographs, no decorations. But Sherlock didn’t comment on it.

 

Jim took a bag and started to select some clothes.

 

"Is she always like this?", Sherlock asked, softly  
  
Jim smiled bitterly. "No, today was a good day"

 

John nodded as Jim spoke, leaning against the wall as he looked around idly.

 

He put in the bag everything he needed, and closed it. Then he turned around to look at them. "Any questions?", Jim said. He had intended to say it in a neutral tone, but it came out tense.

 

John shook his head. "None. Sherlock?"

 

"Just one: How can I help?", Sherlock said softly.  
  
Jim sat on the bed besides him. Sherlock didn't understand, and he didn't want him to. It would only hurt him. "You are helping", he said, feeling tired.

 

"Do you have anything you need?", John asked calmly.   
  
Jim nodded. "Unless you want to kidnap me for more time, yes"  
  
Sherlock smiled. "That sounds like a brilliant idea"  
  
"Idiot. Let's go", Jim replied, smiling back.

 

Jim walked outside behind John, and feeling Sherlock's warm hand holding his. He hadn't realised before how much he hated this place. 

 

How cold and empty it felt.

 

 

 


	60. Chapter 60

John opened the car door and let them in before following and closing the door. He gently took Jim's had too out of support.

And, like that, Jim found himself sitting between his boyfriend and his friend, both of them holding his hand. It felt wonderful. Another night out of here, in a place where he felt safe and with people who he trusted. Why did he feel like crying?

 

Some of his thoughts should have shown on his face, because John squeezed his hand, and Sherlock kissed him, softly.

 

It was too much. That loving kiss, and the strange feeling inside him...No, he wasn't going to cry. He couldn't. Tears were a weakness. And why was he crying when everything was so good right now?  
  
"What's wrong?", John whispered, frowning.

 

Jim tried to control himself, embarrassed. He should be stronger than this. He shook his head, not knowing what to say.   
  
"It's okay," John murmured. "Let it out. We're here for you."

 

How many times he had cried on John's shoulder lately? "I'm sorry, I....I'm fine", he replied, trying to calm down.  
  
"No lies, Jim", Sherlock reminded him, softly  
  
"It's just that...being able to relax with you....makes everything else much more difficult". It was the contrast. The feeling of safety they gave him, and, after that...Greg. His mother. Everything.

 

John  stroked the back of Jim's hand silently, nodding in understanding. Jim closed his eyes, tired. He had always been fighting, always in tension. To be able to finally trust somebody and relax..."Thank you", he whispered.  
  
Jim felt a kiss on his cheek. Sherlock. He smiled without opening his eyes. Slowly, he relaxed. He still felt ashamed of what had just happened, but...he knew they were honest, and, as John had said, they were here for him.  
  
 "Today was good", Jim said after a while. "Usually she's afraid of me"  
  
 "Afraid?", Sherlock asked.  
  
"Well, she is confused, usually, and...I look a lot like.... my father", he replied in a controlled voice.

 

"That's horrible." John muttered.

 

"It wasn't so bad until two years ago. It was the first time she...thought I was him.  Before that...she forgot some things, or some words. Or she forgot if she had eaten or not. That sort of things.", Jim added.   
  
"Two years ago", Sherlock repeated, thoughtful.

 

"That must have been really tough on you. Is that when you got a nurse in?" John asked.

 

He nodded. "I took her to a doctor. Well, several doctors. There's nothing to be done, and it will only get worse", he said. It felt good to talk about it. "Nobody can know. They'd make me go....away".

 

"We won't say anything. At least she has her good days", John whispered.

 

Jim nodded. "I know that", he said, feeling better. "I shouldn't have lost control before"  
  
"You don't always have to be ok. It's okay, not to be okay.", Sherlock said squeezing his hand.

   
"I can't allow that. What do you thing people would do of they saw me weak? People like Greg."  
   
"You can, with us", John said softly  
   
Jim looked at him, and nodded. "I am not okay. But there's no need to say it, isn't it? And not much to do to solve it. What's the point of talking about it?"  
    
"You talk about it so you don't have to deal with it alone. It's halved by talking about it."  
   
 Jim looked at John, remembering that night in the kitchen, when they had told each other so many things. He  _had_  felt better afterwards. "It's...hard. Sometimes I am so tired of everything, of fighting all the time..." Maybe he had wanted to talk about it. Why would he let them see her if not? "My birthday is in a few weeks. Before that, doctors have to decide...what is going to happen with me. If they knew about her...they'd sent me back."  
   
"Jim...what...happened to you? I don't...understand", Sherlock asked.  
   
He really didn't want to talk about it. But it might help. "Do you remember the case of the professor?"  
   
"Something about...a kidnapping?"  
   
"Yeah, something like that. Google it"  
    
"I think I remember my dad mentioning it at one stage.", John said, uncertain.

Silently he took his phone and handed it to John. "Google it.", he repeated.  
   
Sherlock was doing it, and Jim couldn’t help but seeing the screen. There were a lot of results, mostly tabloids. Seven years old. Sherlock opened the first one. A mad professor had intended to publish a book about how to torture children.There were some photographs, form a  _confidential source_  in a hospital, and Jim could remember those wounds. He still had the scars. He saw Sherlock’s expression, and he knew Sherlock recognised them, too. After a moment, Sherlock opened another one. A professor had raised a child in a dungeon. There where images of a windowless basement full of torture instruments. A  _reconstruction based on the facts_. Jim closed his eyes, not wanting to see anything else. Some of those stories were even worse than the truth.   
   
"How much of this is true?", Sherlock asked, putting his phone back in his pocket.

 

Jim shrugged. "I've never read all of it. But part of the hospital report was leaked, and some people talked"

 

"Not your name"

 

"No, not my name. I was ten. They are very careful when there are children involved"

 

John nodded as they spoke. "How long did it go on for?"

 

He shrugged again. "Always?" He tried to remember anything before his father's  _experiments_ , but, like always, he found no memories. "When I was ten my father did something stupid and the police found me. Greg's father, to be more precise"

 

They were looking at him silently, but there was no pity in their eyes, And talking about it felt good.

  
"That's why Greg and I...started to fight. I knew he had read the file, and he...blamed me for his parents problems."  
  
"He  _what_?! But why?" John groaned.

 

"My father escaped, and Greg's father started looking for him. Greg told me that his father spent all his time working, and that it was my fault."

 

"That's not your fault you know. Greg's mum was cheating before all of that happened.  Greg's dad  _needed_  time away from them."

 

"Yeah, I know. Try telling him  _that_. I did, and it only made things worse"

 

Sherlock looked at him for a while, thinking. "Your father escaped", he repeated.

 

"Yes", Jim replied, without adding anything. Then he saw their expressions, and forced a smile. "It's fine. Yes, he escaped, but he's not coming back. He is not  _that_  idiot, and I'm hardly a good experimental subject now" He was lying, but...it wasn't about them, so he wasn't breaking his promise; and there were things he couldn't share with anybody. "And I can deal with Greg. I've been doing it for  years"  
 

"Has he always been such an ass to you?" John asked curiously.  
 

"Well, I wasn't precisely nice to him either",he replied. "Imagine...if you'd never gone to school before. Or, in fact, talked to any children. My first day here was... _interesting_. Greg looked familiar, and I thought...Hadn't he told you about that?"

 

"No.' John shook his head, confused. "What happened?"

 

Jim looked at Sherlock. Maybe he would understand this. "Sometimes people get angry when you state facts about them. Things that are obvious to you, and you believe everybody knows." Greg had reminded him of that policeman, and he had tried to talk to him. Only, he didn't know how.

 

John nodded in understanding. "What did you tell him?"

 

Instead of answering, he looked at Sherlock "What can you tell me about Greg? Things you've noticed,  not things you've been told"  
  
Sherlock thought for a minute. "His parents are divorced, and he is having a bad time because of that. He has no older siblings, all his clothes and books are new. He is...possessive. And clever. He knows how to lie convincingly. Not as good as you, but close. He likes to pretend that he is the perfect boy, and mostly manages: teachers trust him, it shows in the way they talk to him. He..."  
  
"Enough", said Jim, smiling. "Something like that, John"

 

John snorted. "Fair enough."  
    
"Just to make it more clear: Sherlock, do you remember the first thing you said to Sebastian and why?"  
   
"I told him that his girlfriend was cheating on him, because...I wanted to be nice to him"  
   
John nodded. "I get it now."  
    
"I was like that, at first. And Greg...reacted more or less like Seb did". Only nobody had been there to stop him.  
  
John  made a face of disgust. "What a jackass." He muttered.  
    
"Oh, it's fine. It made me learn how things worked. And I made sure that he regretted it"  
   
"What did you do?", Sherlock asked.  
   
Jim looked at Sherlock, and didn't reply. There were parts of him that he didn't want Sherlock to see. “It’s in the past”, he said calmly.  
   
Sherlock stared at him silently, and Jim saw a hint of fear in his eyes. He sighed.    
  "Do you really want to know, Sherlock?"  
   
Sherlock hesitated, and glanced at John "It's in the p-past", he said finally  
   
   
Jim didn't reply. He had done what he had to do, and he didn't regret it, but he didn't want to tell Sherlock about it. John had been right, talking about it had helped. He didn't say anything else until they arrived to Sherlock's house.

 

 

 

 

 


	61. Chapter 61

Jim had told them more about his past than he had ever told any of his therapists. When they arrived to Sherlock’s house, he followed them inside, feeling a bit exposed. Sherlock led them up to the house silently, unlocking the door with a small yawn.

 

Jim walked silently, looking for the right words. "John? You were right. It helps", he said once they were inside.

 

"Am I ever wrong?" John asked, hanging up his coat.

 

"Oh, I'm sure you are. I'll point it out the next time", Jim said with a tiny smile.

 

John snorted. "I'm sure you will."

 

Jim went to his room (his room? When had he started to think like that? No. It was just a room in Sherlock's house), and started to put his clothes in the wardrobe.  
  
When he went back to the kitchen, they were holding each other tightly and kissing.   
 They looked so...comfortable with each other..."If you want some time alone, I could go upstairs and study for a while", he offered.

John pulled away as Jim spoke, blushing. "It's fine." He assured, kissing Sherlock a last time before moving away.  
  
"It's fine. Stay", said Sherlock at the same time, without releasing John's hand.  
   
Jim smiled. "I know it's fine. But I also know that I've been with you constantly since yesterday after school. And...oh, I don't know...the fact that when I leave you alone for..." he checked this watch. "...six minutes,  _this_  is the result...well, the offer stands. Just tell me"  
   
John snorted. "You make it sound like we're insatiable." He smirked.  
  
He looked at them, both were blushing and still very close. And then he had an idea. Sherlock had done this before, and it had been interesting. He took a photo with his phone, and showed it to them without saying anything.  
   
Sherlock looked at the photo and smiled, squeezing John's hand.

John's blush deepened and he smiled, kissing Sherlock's cheek.

 

Jim smiled again. "Look, I want this to work, and, as good as it feels to be the three of us together, you clearly need some time alone every now and then. And..." he hesitated, and touched Sherlock's cheek softly. He wanted some time with Sherlock, too. "Well, you could go upstairs while I prepare something for dinner"  
  
Sherlock blushed even deeper at Jim's touch, and looked at John, who hummed thoughtfully. "Down to you, Sherlock."

 

“Would you be okay on your own?", Sherlock asked, worried.   
  
Jim nodded. He was used to be alone. As long as he had something to do, he'll be fine. He could cook. That always helped.

 

What about...", Sherlock started, unsure  
  
Jim looked at him, curious.

 

Sherlock looked away. He was…nervous?

 

"Sherlock, what do you want?", asked Jim, softly.  
  
"N...nothing"  
  
"Liar"

 

"Just tell us. The worst we can say is no." John sighed gently. 

 

Sherlock looked up, and met Jim’s eyes. And then, slowly, he kissed him. After that he looked at John, and kissed him too. "Would you be okay...not leaving?", he asked, nervous  
  
Jim stared at Sherlock, speechless. John’s reaction was exactly the same.

 

Sherlock observed their reactions, and almost panicked. "F-forget it. I-I didn't mean....I-It was a stupid idea, I....I'm s-sorry" 

  
Jim put a hand on Sherlock's shoulder. "Sherlock, calm down", he said, in the most controlled tone he could manage. Which wasn't much.

 

"It's fine. We can.... talk about it?" John offered, awkwardly.

 

Jim nodded. "This is something we have to talk about. It's...complicated. And..." He noticed Sherlock still tense, too tense, and looking away. "It's fine, Sherlock. I'm not angry, and neither it John."  
  
"It really is fine, relax." John said, stroking Sherlock's arm. "At least look at us."

 

Sherlock took a deep breath and looked at them. "I'm sorry", he repeated. "I shouldn't..." want it. It was wrong. "...have said it"  
  
Jim looked at Sherlock, trying to read him. Shame? "It's alright, Sherlock", he repeated, taking his hand.

 

"It just...feels right", Sherlock muttered, looking down again. "Sorry"  
  
"Sherlock...." Jim said, worried. He could read....shame, and guilt, on Sherlock's body. He didn't know what to say.

 

"It's okay. We could.. do that?" John looked at Jim. "Right?"

 

Jim looked at Sherlock, and back at John. "Sherlock? Can you leave us alone? I have to talk with John first." Noticing Sherlock's expression, he kissed his cheek. "There's nothing wrong in wanting things. Just...try to figure out what is exactly what you want."  
  
Sherlock nodded. "I'll be in the room", he said, almost a question, looking at John.

 

John nodded. "We'll be in to you when we're ready." He assured. When Sherlock had left he looked at Jim, eyebrows raised.

 

"That was...unexpected", Jim said, sitting on a chair.

 

John sat down across from him. "You think? So, what do we do about it? I mean.. That could get really uncomfortable."

 

Jim hesitated. "It's not that. I trust you.". He stopped, looking for the words. "How far have you two...?"

 

"Eh.. Not very far.. I mean.. Not very."

 

"Have he told you anything about...us?"

 

John shook his head. "No. How much have  _you_  done?"

 

He sighted. "Not much. Basically kissing. Once without shirts. But...I made him have his eyes closed the whole time".

 

"He's seen me without my shirt enough times." John sighed. "Still, what do we do? Would either of  us be comfortable with the other  _watching_?"

 

"I don't know", he replied honestly. "If it were somebody else, I wouldn't even consider it. But...I trust you" He shrugged again. "I guess we could...give it a try, and see how it feels."

 

John nodded, worrying at his lip. "Okay. We'll try then."

 

"Depending on what he wants. I don't know If i could let him see me after what happened last time."

 

"Understandable. Same for me really. Not after... with Greg.."

 

Jim looked at him silently, observing. "You are not alright. He knows how to get to you"

 

John nodded. "Sadly, yes. I hate it, but I can't do anything about it."

 

"Maybe...this isn't a bad idea after all. At least will keep our mind focused on Sherlock, instead on...other things"

 

John hummed thoughtfully. "Good point. So.. We'll do it?"

 

Jim stood up, and extended a hand to John. "Come. We'll...try. He clearly wants it. Oh, I should have seen this coming."

 

"I expected it, but still." John took the hand and stood. "Sooner than I thought."

 

"It's been a difficult day. He needs...reassuring". Well, not only Sherlock.

 

"We all do." John muttered, leading him towards the door slowly.

 

He walked besides John silently until they reached Sherlock's door. He took a deep breath, and looked at John, feeling strangely calm. "Let's go", he muttered  
  
John knocked lightly on the door and looked briefly at their joined hands. Then he looked at Jim’s face. Jim was a bit nervous, and John’s hand made him feel better.   
  
Sherlock opened the door, looking even more ashamed than before.

 

John smiled weakly at sherlock "We talked about it."

 

"I...see", Sherlock answered nervously, looked at their hands.  
  
"Before you say anything...if something feels wrong, for any of us...this stops. Immediately, no questions asked", Jim stated.  
  
Sherlock nodded, and let them get into the room.

 

"You sure you want this?" John asked Sherlock, wanting to confirm.

 

"Only if....if you are okay with it", he replied, unsure.

 

"Sherlock, do you think we would be here if we weren't?", Jim replied. "So...have you figured out what do you want?"  
  
"I...don't know", Sherlock replied, unsure. "Just...stay with me for a while?"  
  
Jim raised an eyebrow. "No lies, Sherlock. You can ask. Always"  
  
Sherlock nodded, unsure. "Hug me?", he said, a bit scared.

 

"Both of us?" John asked gently.

 

"Yes?", Sherlock replied, tense. "I mean....if you want to. You...you don't have to..."

 

John tugged on Jim's hand. "We do." He assured, pulling Sherlock closer to them to envelope him in a hug.

 

Jim hesitated barely for a second. It was just a hug, and Sherlock had been almost scared  to ask. He wrapped his arms around him. It was...strange, having John there. But he noticed Sherlock between them, finally relaxing, and smiled, closing his eyes,

 

Jim had absolutely no idea of how he had ended up like this. He remained still for a while. It was a bit awkward, but not much. He had hugged John before, after all.

 

John pulled away after about five minutes, a small smile on his face.  Sherlock opened his eyes still between Jim's arms and smiled warmly.   
  
Jim was still getting used to being touched. He felt much better. Telling them about his past, had made him feel vulnerable at first, but then it had felt right. He kissed the back of Sherlock's head without releasing him. "Was this what you wanted?"  
  
Sherlock nodded, happy. John smiled and kissed Sherlock's cheek. Slowly, Sherlock took John's hand and kissed it, still smiling, as John  stroked Sherlock's cheek.

This was strange, but didn't felt wrong. How could it feel wrong, if he had Sherlock between his arms? Jim kissed his head again, glancing at John.   
  
John glanced at Jim and stepped closer, kissing Sherlock's cheek tenderly, holding him again. Smiling, Jim pressed a tender kiss to Sherlock’s neck, and then another one. And then Sherlock’s body started to tremble. Jim looked at John, unsure, as they both kept Sherlock steady.

 

"Are you alright?", asked Jim, worried. He had only kissed his neck, and in a way more tender than passionate.   
  
Sherlock nodded, but didn't move. Slowly, Jim moved them to the bed, and helped Sherlock to sit. He observed him carefully. There were two possible options. "Was it..bad, or too good?", he asked gently, sitting at his side.  
  
"Good", Sherlock replied, still with his eyes closed, trying to calm down.

 

John held Sherlock's hand gently, glancing at Jim a bit worriedly. After a moment, Sherlock opened his eyes and looked at them, ashamed.   
  
John kissed Sherlock's cheek sweetly and quickly. "You're all right now. Too much too soon, yeah?"

"I...I guess", Sherlock replied, unsure.

  
Sherlock looked confused. He needed...order, and something to do. "What about if we go downstairs and make something for dinner?", Jim suggested.

 

Sherlock nodded. "Yes, I have to take a painkiller soon too",

 

Jim helped Sherlock to get up, slowly. he didn't seem to be in pain, but...just in case. "Let's go, then", he said, kissing his cheek. He knew that he should probably let Sherlock go, but...he didn't want to. It felt surprisingly good to be holding him.   
  
John led them into the kitchen flicking on the kettle as he went to the fridge to find something to make for dinner.

 

Jim helped Sherlock to sit on a chair, and was about to go to help John, when Sherlock grabbed his hand and rested his head against his chest. "Stay", he muttered. Jim wasn't used to this, and, honestly, wasn't very sure of what to do.Hesitant, he started to stroke Sherlock's head."I wish you could stay forever", whispered Sherlock  
  
This was...difficult, for him. All this trust, and emotions...his instincts told him to hide, to pretend it wasn't affecting him. But it was too late for that. "I'm here now, Sherlock. Relax", he replied, glancing at John, who was cooking something he couldn’t see from here.

 

He didn’t dare to move. This was so strange. He kept stroking  Sherlock’s head softly, and got some plates, waiting for the food to cook.

 

John moved around Jim and Sherlock to set the table. It was a content silence around them. Almost like a blanket.

 

Jim observed how John prepared everything. Maybe he should help him, but he wasn't going to move right now.

Everything felt...comforting, familiar. So he didn’t move, as John served out small portions of rice, chicken and the sauce. Reluctantly Jim moved away from Sherlock, and sat besides him.

 

 "Thank you", he said to John.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	62. Chapter 62

John sat with them, and they began to eat silently. Jim had a lot of questions for John. Well, for both of them. Like, for instance, what did Greg had on him, why was he so scared. But the questions could wait. The silence felt right.

 

Surprisingly, Sherlock seemed to be enjoying the food, and eating at a normal pace.Jim finished his food quickly, as usual.He glanced at John's plate, and smiled. It was funny, he always ate half of his food, no matter how big the portions were.

 

Jim stood up, and took the empty dishes to the sink. It was late, and he was tired, but...he didn't want to be alone. So, without saying anything, he sat down again.  
   
 John yawned quietly, covering his mouth. He looked at Jim and frowned. "You have questions."  
  
 "Yes. But they can wait until tomorrow", he replied. John looked as tired as he was. And so did Sherlock.  
  
 "Are you going to Jim's room tonight?" John asked to Sherlock

    
 Jim glanced at John, wondering if he knew how to act subtly. And then he looked at Sherlock, and their eyes met.  
  
"I...I don't know", Sherlock replied finally, looking Jim in the eyes.  
  
 Jim thought about everything that had happened in the last two days. About Sherlock telling him that he loved him, even after Greg had told him what Jim had done. He wanted Sherlock to go with him.

 

Nobody talked for a while. Sherlock clearly didn't know what to do. "Please", Jim whispered, barely audible. He didn't want to be alone right now, not after having remembered all those things today.  
   
Sherlock turned to look at John. "Would you be alright?"  
  
"I'll be fine. I'm going to head to sleep in a while"   
  
 Sherlock nodded. Then he took a painkiller, and gave another to John. "You promise?", he asked, once more  
  
He took the pill dry with a smile. "Promise." He assured.

  
Jim waited. It was Sherlock's decision. Finally, Sherlock  took Jim's hand. "I'll go with you"

 Jim observed John. No anxiety, no tension. He was alright with this. He stood up, still holding Sherlock's hand. "Let's go, then"  
   
Sherlock nodded, and, after a last glance at John, walked with him out of the kitchen.

"Please?", teased Sherlock, smiling as the walked upstairs.  
  
Jim shrugged. "Manners have never killed anybody"  
  
Sherlock smiled, and they didn't say anything else until the door closed behind them.  
  
Something changed in that moment. Sherlock stood still, and looked at him for a moment, before whispering "On your terms, you said. What are your terms today?"  
  
Jim studied him. He looked exhausted, and was still altered because of what had happened before. He kissed him softly. "Go to your room and change into your pyjamas. Then come back, and knock before entering. " He couldn't sleep with him, but maybe they could lie together for a while.   
  
Sherlock nodded, and went to his room to change.

 

Jim got changed too. Long sleeves, despite the warm weather. He didn’t want Sherlock to see the scars. Or see them himself. He started to pace across the room, nervously. What if he never could let Sherlock see him? What if Sherlock was disgusted by his scars? What if......He stopped, realising that he was almost panicking. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Inhale. Pause. Exhale.

 

After a couple of minutes, he started to feel better. Wasn’t Sherlock taking too long? Finally, he heard a soft knock at his door, and opened it. Without saying anything, he took Sherlock’s hand and kissed him tenderly, almost don’t believing that he was here, that he wanted  _him_.

 

He led Sherlock to the bed, and lay close to him. Sherlock didn’t say anything, didn’t push him. He just kissed him back, softly in a way that made him feel loved. Jim wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him closer. He didn’t want to do anything more, just kiss Sherlock until he managed to convince himself that Sherlock loved him, and that this was real.

 

Jim lost track of time. He covered Sherlock’s face with kisses, once and again, pressing his body against Sherlock’s, needing to feel him close. Eventually he noticed Sherlock tensing a bit, and remembered that Sherlock was probably tired.

 

  
"Go with John", Jim whispered, with a soft kiss on Sherlock’s ear. "It's late". He didn’t want Sherlock to leave, but the idea of having a nightmare with Sherlock here was terrifying.   
  
"Let me stay", Sherlock asked, cupping his cheek and kissing him again.    
  
"Sherlock, I can't...."  
  
"Please"  
  
Jim knew it was a bad idea. But...he didn’t want to be alone. "Don't wake me up, no matter what"  
  
"Okay"  
  
"I'm serious, Sherlock. I could hurt you. Promise it"  
  
"I promise"

 

 

It was difficult to relax with somebody in bed with him, even if that someone was Sherlock, who had fallen asleep almost immediately between his arms. It took him a long time, even being as tired as he was.   
  
His dreams were a confusing mix of memories and fears. Sherlock telling him to leave, and walking away with John. His father coming back, and deciding to repeat every experiment to check how much he had changed. Pain. John, laughing with Greg, and telling him Jim's secrets. It went on and on, until he heard a voice saying words he didn't understand, but made him feel safe.   
  
Jim woke up feeling strangely comfortable. There was somebody close, but not holding him. Somebody relaxed, sleeping between his arms. Sherlock. He had stayed for the night, and, despite his fears, nothing had happened. Jim tried to remember his dreams, wondering what had happened, but....Sherlock was here. He'd worry about that later.  Sherlock looked so peaceful. Jim didn't move, letting him sleep for a while.   
  
Sherlock woke up  shortly after. "John?", he muttered, still half asleep  
  
Jim smiled, and kissed his head. "No. Try again"  
  
That made Sherlock wake up. "Jim?”, he asked confused. Then he smiled brightly "Jim", he said again, kissing him softly.

 

Jim kissed Sherlock for a while, feeling strange. Finally he pushed him away carefully. "Go and take your painkillers.And....check if John is alright", he said with another kiss, noticing how Sherlock’s body tensed a bit when he touched him. He was in pain.   
  
Sherlock kissed him again, and, slowly, got out of the bed and walked to the door.

 

Once Sherlock left, Jim had a shower and got dressed, feeling strangely relaxed. Then he knocked softly at Sherlock’s door, and opened it. Sherlock was sitting on the bed, and John was in the bathroom taking a shower, he could heard it.

 

"Is something wrong?", Jim asked.  
  
"I'll go and see if he is alright"  
  
Jim nodded, and kissed him softly. "Take your painkiller",he said, noticing Sherlock’s tense posture. "I'll be downstairs".

  
  
Jim didn't remember having felt like this ever. It was almost frightening, because he knew it wouldn't last. Smiling at the memories of last night and this morning, he started to prepare breakfast for the three of them.  
    
John walked into the kitchen, yawning. "Mornin'."  
    
"Hi", said Jim with a smile. "Tea?"  
    
John nodded. "Please." He managed a smile.  
    
John looked...exhausted. Jim served the tea for the two of them, without mentioning anything. "Something to eat?"  
    
John took the tea gratefully "Too early, for me." He took a sip of tea, sighing in relief for the comfort.  
    
He sat in front of John. He wasn't alright, that much was obvious. But Jim wasn't good at comforting people. And, if it were him, he would prefer not to talk about it. So he didn't say anything, and drank his tea slowly.  
    
"Do you want to...talk about it, or something?", he asked, finally, not sure how to handle this.

"Not really. It was just a usual nightmare." John assured with a smile.  
   
 _Usual_. Of course. He looked at John silently, wondering what would have happened if he had chosen to talk to him instead of to Greg in his first day at school. They were more alike than he had thought. "I don't know anything that works against nightmares", he said finally.

 

"Utter exhaustion." John suggested. It sometimes worked for him.   
   
"Maybe", he answered. It didn't work for him. Sleeping close to Sherlock...had helped. It had been his best night in a long time. "We should talk", he said, glancing at the stairs. He still could hear the water running. Sherlock was fine.

 

"About?" John asked, sipping lightly at his tea.

 

"Sherlock". Among other things, like Greg. "What happened yesterday"

 

"Where do we start?"

 

"It wasn't as awkward as I expected it would be", he offered

 

"No it wasn't. Though it was a bit much for him at one time."  
 

"He said you were the first person he had kissed. Of course it was too much, he almost panicked. But...it didn't feel wrong. And this morning..." Jim hesitated, looking for the right words

 

John nodded in understanding. "It's nice to wake up with him there, to hold and kiss."

 

He nodded. Nice wasn't even close to describe it, but it would do. "When he woke up, he called you"

 

John blinked in surprise. "Really? Oh."

 

"I think he feels guilty for leaving you alone. This is getting...complicated"

 

"I know. But it would be too much for us all to spend every waking, and sleeping, hour together."

 

"I don't live here, John", he reminded him.

 

"I know that. But, next thing you know Sherlock will keep asking you to spend the night and it will be as if you live here."

 

He allowed himself to think about it for a second. Living here, with people whom he trusted, and who cared about him. But it couldn't be. He shook his head. "He will get tired of this, once it's not longer new and interesting. And...I can't stay. Once or twice a week, that's fine. But I can't leave my mother alone"

 

"Jim, you're lying to yourself if you think Sherlock will grow bored. Remember when you said he just liked the idea of you? He loves you. Don't underestimate yourself or him."  
   
Jim tried to control the emotions John's words had caused. Happiness. Hope. Fear. Good things didn't last, not for him. And today had been too good. What could he say?  
    
John sighed. "Let yourself be happy."  
    
"This won't last. I can't. It's...too good", he whispered, nervous.  
    
"So enjoy it while it's here."

Was it that easy? Could he do that? It would destroy it, when it ended. He couldn't go back to his life. He thought about lying, but he had promised not to. "I'll try", he answered.  
   
"Good."

   
There were other things they had to discuss, but Jim was distracted by the sight of Sherlock entering the room, with only his trousers on, and shirt and a bandage in his hands. And looking as happy as when they had waken up. And...walking directly towards him to kiss him briefly.

 

   
Jim relaxed again, forgetting his doubts. Sherlock loved him. When Sherlock moved away, Jim looked at him, smiling.  
   
 Jim realised that kissing Sherlock with John there hadn't felt uncomfortable at all. Was it because of what had happened yesterday? He looked at John, and he seemed to be okay with it too.  
   
John rose and brought the cups to the sink. "So will I do your bandages now?" he asked.  
   
Sherlock nodded. "I feel better, but...it still hurts to move without them"

   
John nodded and moved closer, applying the bandages carefully.  
    
Jim observed them silently. They had done this before, several times. And they looked so...comfortable with each other...It was good to see them like that.  
   
When he was done, John stood straight and kissed Sherlock's cheek and then his lips softly. "There we go."

Sherlock's smile broadened. He put his shirt on, and drank the tea Jim gave him.  
   
"What do you want to do today?", asked Jim.  
   
"We have something pending. A bet", Sherlock replied, grinning.  
   
Oh, yes. Hide and seek. How difficult could it be to find Sherlock in the house? He nodded.

 

 

 


	63. Chapter 63

Jim tried to remember the terms they had agreed on yesterday. He turned to John, "So...you'll be the judge. No following Sherlock while he hides, no using you as bait. Anything else?" He was good at cheating without breaking the rules.

 

 

John nodded. "Eh.. Count to twenty and I'll block your ears and eyes while he hides."

 

 

"I think I'll need more time. Let's say...three minutes. You two can wait in the patio, John would make sure that you don't see where I go", said Sherlock.   
  
Jim looked at him, and nodded. "Fine. But I'll need to explore the house first. And establish how much time I have to find you" The house was huge, after all.   
  
Sherlock looked at John. He was the judge, after all. "John?"

 

"You have as long as it takes, or until you give up. You don't get to know the lay out, though."

 

"I won't give up", Jim replied, looking at Sherlock.   
  
"You won't find me", Sherlock replied with a smile.  
  
"What do we bet?"  
  
"If you can find me, which won't happen, you... will kiss me at school tomorrow"  
  
"Sherlock...."  
  
"Oh, pretend it's for a deal, or whatever you need. Are you planning on losing?"  
  
"Of course not. And _when_ I find you, you...you'll owe me a favour"  
  
"That's not fair. You have to say something more precise"  
  
Jim looked at John. "Have I?"

 

John nodded, highly amused. "Yep."

 

"When I find you, you have to spend the rest of the day without your shirt", he said, smiling. "Unless we go outside, of course"  
  
Sherlock nodded. "Fine"  
  
Jim looked from one to the other. "Any more rules?"

"Nope, that's it." he assured.

 

 

  
"Then go outside. Three minutes"  
  
Jim nodded, and walked to the door, as John kissed Sherlock's cheek quickly. "Good luck." John said, following Jim as  he set a timer on his phone.

 

Jim sat on the bench outside. "Really? _Good luck_? You prefer me kissing him at school over him being shirtless today at home?"

 

John shrugged. "He'll be in a huff if he loses "

 

"And I won't?" he asked, smiling. "Besides, he'll lose"

 

John snorted. "True. Good luck to you too, then."

 

"You only say that because you want him shirtless around the house", he teased

 

John grinned deviously. "Maybe I do."

 

"And, after all, there's no time limit, and I won't give up" And the rules left him with a lot of possibilities.

 

"What are you planning?" He asked curiously.

 

"Not _following him or using you as a bait_ ", he said, repeating the rules. "Anything else I do to find him is fair play"

 

"That's true." John said, smirking slightly.  
 

"So...how much time left?"

 

"Twenty seconds."

 

"You should really had set a time limit if you wanted him to have any chance at winning"

 

"I've got faith in both of you." John shrugged. The alarm went off. "Well, there you go."  
 

Sherlock was clever, and he had hid in the house before. This would be...fun. Slowly, he got up and looked at the windows, but, of course, Sherlock wouldn't be that stupid to turn on a light. No clues there. "Are you coming?" he asked John as he walked inside.

 

"Oh, yeah." John nodded, rising to follow him.

 

The smart thing to do was to have a really good hidden place, and stay there, or several not so good and move from one to another. He had a pretty accurate mental image of the house, so he decided to start searching downstairs, room by room, closing the doors afterwards so he could hear if Sherlock moved. He searched the whole floor, carefully, checking every place Sherlock could fit into. Nothing. "Let's go upstairs", he told John as he walked to the stairs.

 

He did the same he had done downstairs, exploring every room carefully and closing the door before moving to the next one. Nothing. Time for...cheating. "Where does Sherlock feel safe in the house?"

 

"I'm impartial, so I can't help either of you." John chuckled.

 

"You don't know where he is. I didn't ask that, it's not against the rules."

 

John rose an eye brow. "Uh huh.. His brothers room, I guess."

 

He recalled the rooms he had seen, and went into the one which was most likely that one. He had already checked it, but now he was more thorough, testing every wall and wardrobe. Nothing. "I think he is in his room", he said, finally. It made sense. Where else would he had a hidden place?

 

John grinned. "Certain?"

 

"No, but I get to search his room", he replied with a smile, walking to the room

 

John chuckled and followed dutifully. "Sly."

 

"Always", he replied, entering Sherlock's room. It felt strange being here without Sherlock. Slow and methodically he searched the room. Not just the places Sherlock could be in. He examined Sherlock's clothes, his books and music. There was a notebook on the table, the cover broken and mended, filled with Sherlock's handwriting. It looked too personal, so he put it down without reading it. And…a red box. The one he had given Sherlock. He had kept it?

 

He searched the room for a while, but if Sherlock was here, he hadn't seen it. He left the room, and opened all the doors of the floor. There were more hiding places upstairs, and Sherlock wouldn't have asked for more time if he had remained downstairs. "Now", he said, smiling at John, "is when I cheat"

 

"Oh, yeah? Enlighten me so."

 

"Don't make any noise", he said, taking his phone. Sherlock never left his phone anywhere, and he doubted he had silenced it. It would only work once, he knew it. But he was almost sure Sherlock was upstairs, and this would tell him in which room he was. He called Sherlock, and run to the origin of the sound. It stopped before he entered the room, but it had clearly came from Sherlock's brother room.

 

Jim stood in the middle of the room. There was clearly a hidden place he hadn't seen before. So he observed the room carefully. All the walls looked the same. He touched them, knocked looking for signs of an empty space behind. Nothing. He opened the wardrobe. It was inside the wall, and covered in wood. And...wait. Something didn't fit. He wasn't sure what it was, but...He looked around again. thinking.

 

It made sense. Sherlock had _bodyguards_. Why not a hidden room in the house? He walked across the room, counting the steps. Then he went outside, and to the adjacent room and did the same. "I know where he is, but I don't know how to get to him", he said to John. "It could take me hours to discover how to do that. So...it's up to you to decide. "

 

"Well.. That makes it a tie."   
 

"So we both lose, and you get to see him shirtless?"

 

"And you have to kiss him in school. Both things need to be done."

  
That wasn't so bad. On his terms, and making it look like part of a deal... "Would you help with that? Do as I say, no questions asked?"  
  
John nodded and pursed his lips. "Sure."  
  
  
"Fine. He is in a hidden room, between this room and the next one. Tell him to get out"  
  
He texted Sherlock without questions.

  
You can come out now. It's a tie. -JW x

 

Jim looked as one side of the wardrobe opened silently, and Sherlock got out.  
  
"You cheated", he said with a smile.  
  
"I didn't follow you or use John as a bait"  
  
"True. And yet, you cheated"  
  
"Well, so did you. A safe room? Really?"  
  
 Sherlock shrugged. "There are two in the house. I was kidnapped as a child and my mother was paranoid"  
  
"John said that It's a tie. I knew where you were, but couldn't get to you. So we both have to pay", Jim said, examining the hidden room.  
  
 "I have no idea of why you asked for this", Sherlock muttered, taking off his shirt.  
  
"Cause you're attractive." John muttered, smirking.

 

  
Sherlock stared at John. "We've already discussed that, John. I didn't agree with you then"  
  
 "I agree with John. It's two against one", said Jim softly.  
   
"You know we're both right. You can't argue with us."  
    
"Fine. I don't want to talk about that again", Sherlock replied, looking away from them.  
   
Jim stared at the five lines on Sherlock's arm. Maybe he should feel guilty about that, but...he liked seeing them there. Without thinking, he touched them. Sherlock looked at him silently, without moving.  
    
He noticed John looking at the burn  scars on Sherlock's opposite arm, guilt clear on his face.

    
 "John? Come here", Sherlock whispered.

John blinked and walked to him cautiously, worrying at his lip.

"I...I know it sounds...weird, but...", Sherlock started, hesitant.

  
"But?" John ushered gently.  
   
 Jim brushed again the five lines in Sherlock's arm. "You like having them", he whispered.  
   
Sherlock blushed, and looked down.  
   
John stepped closer and took Sherlock's hand, the one with the burns, and kissed his cheek. 

 

"You kept the box. I saw it in your room", Jim said softly. Then he moved closer, and whispered in Sherlock's ear. He didn't know if John could hear. It didn't matter. "You like them because they mean you are mine. And John's"  
  
Sherlock stared at Jim, a bit scared.  
  
Jim kissed Sherlock's cheek. Maybe he had talked too much, but..."Tell me that I'm wrong. You can't, you know it's true"  
  
 "Maybe you are right. Is that...wrong?" Sherlock replied, barely audible.  
  
"As I've already told you, feelings are _never_ wrong. And...I like it", he said softly.  
  
"Yours", Sherlock said in a whisper.

Sherlock looked at John, who was confused. "Jim said...that I like them because...they mean...that....I'm...yours. And...I think he...he is right", he whispered.

  
John gently ran a finger over one of the scars and nodded in understanding. Instead of speaking he kissed Sherlock's temple softly.

 

Jim looked at John, surprised at his reaction. He kissed Sherlock's cheek again. "Mine", he whispered in his ear.

  
John gave Sherlock's hand a light squeeze, stroking the back of his hand gently.

 

Jim moved slightly away, but kept holding Sherlock's hand. "See? We like you. We like seeing you. Relax"  
  
Sherlock nodded, smiling."So...Jim had to kiss me tomorrow at school, then?", he asked John.

 

John smirked and nodded. "He does."

 

"The terms were....let me remember.... _pretend it's for a deal, or whatever you need_.  John agreed to help, too. It's going to be...interesting" Jim said, with a smile. "So, tomorrow at school, you two do as I say, and I'll kiss Sherlock. In front of everybody, if you want"  
  
Sherlock blushed. “Yes", he said without thinking

 

John nodded. "Sounds alright to me."

 

"Good. Then...you'll wait for me at the door, before the classes, and do everything I tell you to do." It might even help with the problem with Greg. At least his reaction would be interesting. They both nodded, Sherlock blushing slightly

 

Jim grinned. "Great! Now let's do something fun."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	64. Chapter 64

John rose an eyebrow at his sudden enthusiasm. "Like what? Never anything to do on a Sunday."

 

Jim was feeling...happy. He had slept better than he remembered ever doing, had woken up with Sherlock between his arms. Had heard Sherlock saying that he was Jim's. And he had the chance of observing Sherlock shirtless the whole day. Tomorrow he’d kiss Sherlock at school. What else could he ask for? "Oh, I don't know. What do you usually do for fun?"

  
They both looked at him with blank expressions. Jim frowned. What did normal people do for fun? Jim had no idea. But...they weren't normal people. He tried to recall the things he had seen in Sherlock's room, looking for a clue.

"Chess?", he asked. He had seen a board somewhere in the house

 

John grimaced. "I don't really know how to play."

 

"I know the basics", Sherlock said, clearly not liking the idea.   
  
"Well, we could teach John, and you two can play against me...or you think something else we can do"

 

John thought over it for a moment. "We could..." He looked at Sherlock. "You don't have any video games do you?"

 

Sherlock nodded. "My mother bought them for Mycroft and I", he replied. "Nothing new. I have a playstation 2 and a gamecube, and a lot of old games"

 

John nodded. "Better than nothing."

 

"They should be....in the playing room. All the old toys are still there, in the wardrobes", he said, heading to the door

 

Jim followed him, shrugging at John. It seemed a good idea for now. He had never played video games, but they were going to do something together, so it was enough for him.

 

Sherlock walked downstairs, to what Jim had thought was a guest room. Sherlock  started opening doors. "It had to be somewhere in here", he muttered.

 

Jim looked over his shoulder, spotting what could be a Play Station Two at the very top of the shelves. "That it?"

 

"Yes", replied Sherlock.. He tried to reach it, but it was too high. "I need a chair"  
  
"No", said Jim. "You have to be careful, remember?"

 

"I'll get it." John assured, tugging over a chair to reach for the appliance. He got it easily and handed it down to Jim as he got down from the chair, putting it back where he got it. "There we go."

 

Jim observed them as they connected everything, and discussed what game they'd play. Jim didn’t say anything, he didn’t know any of them. Finally, Sherlock and John seemed to agree about the game. Something about....worms? It sounded weird.

 

"How do you play to that?", he asked.

 

"When it's your turn you pick a weapon and make a strategy on how to attack and kill the opposing team. But you're all worms."

 

Jim raised an eyebrow, but he didn't say anything, as Sherlock explained him the controls of the game. "Fine, I got it. Let's play"  
   
Sherlock nodded, and started the game  
  
 "You two can play first." John offered.  
   
"No, let me...observe first. You two go first", Jim replied.  
   
"Why, is this something you think you can't win?", Sherlock teased  
   
Jim looked at Sherlock and smiled. "Really? Another bet? Let's just play, Sherlock"  
    
"Oh God, not again."  
    
"See? John agrees with me. No more bets for today", said Jim with a smile.  
   
 "Fine", Sherlock answered, starting to play against John.  
   
 John grinned and sat cross legged on the floor as they played, eye focused completely on the game. He beat Sherlock easily.

 

Sherlock sighed, and gave Jim the controller. The game was actually interesting, there was a lot of strategy involved. And John was good, they were even.  
    
Sherlock observed the screen, smiling. "If we had bet, this would be the perfect moment to cheat"  
    
"Good thing there's not betting go on, then." John replied.  

    
Jim kept trying to focus on the game, but Sherlock was...distracting. Was he doing it on purpose? Jim kept glancing at him every now and them, imagining how that skin would feel under his fingers. Remembering how it had felt. Of course, he lost.   
    
"Sherlock", said Jim, between amused and angry.  
    
"Yes? Did I do anything against the rules?"  
   
Jim looked at him for a second. "Your turn", he said finally  
    
"Distracted, Jim?" John teased lightly.  
    
Was he blushing? No, surely not. He didn't  _blush_. "I'll win next time", he muttered.  
    
"Mhmm." John smirked, raising a brow.  
   
"Of course you will", smiled Sherlock, kissing Jim's cheek.

 

Jim observed them play for a while, and then fixed his eyes on Sherlock’s chest, remembering how warm and soft it was. When he looked at Sherlock’s face, their eyes met, and they just looked at each other silently.

 

John snorted, noticing how they were distraction each other. "You two are insatiable."  
   
  
Jim felt his cheeks burning again. "It's not that. Shut up and play", he muttered.  
  
John smiled in amusement, but fell silent, easily beating Sherlock again.  
  
It wasn't like that, it really wasn't. He didn't need to kiss sherlock, or to touch him. He just...wanted him  _close_. And he was in control. "This time I'll win", he repeated.  
  
"Bring it." John challenged.  
  
He tried to focus on the game instead of Sherlock. Which was difficult, because Sherlock had sat besides him, and was resting his head on his shoulder.  
  
It was too much. Because this couldn't last, and getting used to it was  _dangerous_. He lost again, of course. "Sherlock..."  
   
"What?", he replied, smiling innocently.  
   
He was doing it on purpose, wasn't he? Why wasn't he sure? Usually Sherlock was easy to read. "Your turn", he said, unsure.

"How about you two play together instead?" John offered.  
    
"Okay", Jim replied. And then smiled. "But you sit besides Sherlock"  
   
"That's cheating", Sherlock protested.  
   
"Oh, is it?" , Jim asked sweetly.

 

"You're all a bunch of cheaters." John replied, moving to sit next to Sherlock.  
    
Sherlock smiled at john, and moved to let him space, moving closer to Jim. So close, that their arms were touching. Suddenly, Jim was very conscious of his arm. "I think I'm starting to like this", Sherlock said, starting the game.

 

This time it took longer. Jim tried to focus on the game instead of on Sherlock’s body. It was difficult, but he finally managed to beat Sherlock.

 

"Congrats," John told Jim, smirking.

 

"Now it's you against me", Jim replied, more relaxed. John would help, he could do this

 

John nodded, starting a new game. Jim focused. The game wasn't hard, it was a matter of deciding what to do, and guessing what your opponent would do. He could beat John.  
They played for a while without any of them having any advantage. John was really good, and this was starting to be...fun.  
    
It was close, at the end they had only one worm left each one, but finally Jim managed to beat John.  
  
John groaned. "Damn." He sighed. "Good game."  
    
"You can play again", said Sherlock, who was too comfortable between them to move.  
    
"Re-match it is!" He pointed at Jim. "I'll get you this time."  
    
"You can try", said Jim with a smile  
    
"I will succeed." He warned.  
   
   
"Let's see that", Jim replied, starting a new game  
    
John grinned and nodded. "Lets."  
    
Jim focused again on the game, trying to foresee what John would do. But John changed his strategy, playing in a totally different way than before, and Jim lost.   
  
He glanced at Sherlock, in case he wanted to play, but he didn't move. "Another one?", he asked, finally. John was good, and it made the game challenging.  
    
"Sure, why not?" He shrugged.  
  
Jim started another game, smiling.John was being difficult to predict, and the game took all his attention. He focused on his own strategy this time. After a long game, he lost again. Usually that would have angried him, but...he didn't mind, he realised, surprised.

 

John smiled as he won. "Guess we're a fair match."  
       
Jim nodded, smiling back. "Sherlock? Do you want to play?"  
   
"No, go on", he replied.

 

"You sure?", John insisted.  
   
Sherlock nodded, smiling, and kissed John cheek. "I like to watch you"

 

John blushed, and nodded. "If you say so."

 

"If you do that again while I'm playing against John, I'll beat him easily", Jim said grinning.

   
John rose an eye brow challengingly. "Bring it on and we'll see."

  
"You really believe that you can beat me while he kisses you? Oh, I want to see that!"  
   
 "Guess you will then."

    
"I'm here, you know", Sherlock protested.  
   
"And don't you want to kiss John?"  
   
Sherlock looked at Jim, observing him carefully. "Yes", he said simply.  
   
"And where is the problem?"  
   
"Nowhere. Go on"

John  resisted the urge to laugh. "I will win." He warned Jim.

  
"I would bet, but  _somebody_  told me that he didn't want more of that today"

 

He laughed at that. "I'm not a betting man."

 

Jim smiled, and started a new game. "Sherlock? Can you kiss John and be...distracting?"  
  
Sherlock nodded, blushing, and kissed John softly.

 

John played with one eye open, melting into the kiss though he was still focused.

  
How could John do that? Jim was having trouble focusing just by having Sherlock close. And despite Sherlock kissing John, they were even. Maybe John was...used to this. They had been dating longer, after all. "Fine, I give up", he said, as he lost again.

 

John grinned and turned all of his focus to the kiss for a moment before breaking away, kissing Sherlock's cheek. "Told you."

 

"Yeah, you did", Jim sighed. "You two keep playing, I'll prepare something for lunch"

 

"Want any help?" John asked.

 

"No, thank you", he replied. But before he could move, Sherlock grabbed his hand.   
  
"Wait"  
  
"What do you want, Sherlock?"  
  
Without replying, Sherlock kissed him.  
  
" _Now_  you can go"  
  
Smiling, Jim stood up and headed to the kitchen

 


	65. Chapter 65

The day still seemed to be a dream. Everything was too good. Except that Jim didn't have happy dreams. He prepared the food for the three of them, mixing some of the remains from the day before with some vegetables and meat he found in the fridge. He took big plates, and served bigger rations than he usually did, remembering that John always ate about half of what was in his plate. "Food is ready", he said from the door, seeing that they were...busy.

Seeing them kiss didn’t feel weird any more. If anything, it made him more confident, because if they didn’t want him here, they’d tell him. They sat at the table, smiling at each other.

 

They ate silently, and it felt comfortable. Why couldn’t he just relax and enjoy it? Part of him was always expecting something to go wrong.  

  
"So...how many games did you play after I left?", Jim teased with a smile.   
   
"Oh, you know. None.", John replied  
    
"You told me to be _distracting_ ", added Sherlock with a smile.  
   
"True", Jim laughed  
   
"You did a very good job." John grinned.  
    
After a long silence, John finally spoke. "Caught on to how I eat, then?", he asked, amusement clear on his face as he set down his fork after eating around half.  
  
"It worked", said Jim, grinning. It was much more difficult to help people than to break them. And he had caused part of John's problems. "For Sherlock, too", he added, noticing that Sherlock had eaten more than he usually did.  
    
"And you.", Sherlock said softly.

    
Jim looked at the food in front of him, surprised. Sherlock was right. And, what was more, he had eaten at a normal pace. He felt good. Everything was too perfect.  
   
"Stop that"  
   
"Stop what, Sherlock?"  
   
"Stop thinking that something bad is going to happen"  
   
"How do you know I was thinking that?"  
   
Sherlock sighed. "Because I was thinking it, too"  
  
"Is it so hard for you both to just enjoy this?", John asked.

  
"You know I'm trying, John", said Sherlock with a kiss to his cheek.  
   
They were right, of course. Worrying about things that weren't happening was pointless. "Sorry. I'm not...used to this", Jim replied.  
    
John nodded. "It's fine. I don't think things will go bad."  
    
Sherlock nodded. "And...get used to it", he added, looking at Jim.  
    
Jim studied their faces. They were...worried about him. "Everything is fine", he said, smiling. It was strange to have people worrying about him.  
  
John smiled. "Good!" He rose and took the finished plates to the sink to wash up.  
    
Sherlock looked at Jim, thoughtful. "Jim?", he whispered. "Would you be happier if John wasn't here?"  
   
Jim looked at Sherlock, surprised. "No", he said without hesitation. He couldn't be doing this without John.  
   
Sherlock smiled, stood up and walked closer to Jim, to press a soft kiss against his cheek.  
  
This was...too good. But they were right, he should enjoy it and stop worrying. He took Sherlock's hand, not wanting him to move away.  
   
Sherlock smiled at Jim's reaction, and kissed him again. Slowly, Jim relaxed and returned the kiss tenderly. He could kiss Sherlock forever.

 

Some time after, they heard John’s ringtone, and saw John walking out of the room. Sherlock watched John leaving, worried.  
   
"And I'm the one that worries too much?", Jim teased, kissing Sherlock again  
   
"I know, but..."  
   
Jim looked at Sherlock. He was _really_ worried. "It could be my therapist. I asked John to talk to her, and she said she'd call him to make an appointment. Or something related to his father's trial"  
   
"Jim, it's _Sunday_ "  
   
 "It will he fine. I'll protect him", Jim replied, hugging Sherlock carefully. "I promise"  
    
John went back into the room, ashen faced. He glanced at them and sat down again.

 "That was the social worker who told me to stay here until she called again. Starting tomorrow I'm to live with my mum again, for a week. Trial run, see how it is without my dad." He didn't give them a chance to interrupt. "I agreed."  
  
Sherlock paled, and started to tremble slightly. Jim hugged him tightly. "Are you sure?" he asked, looking at John  
    
John nodded calmly, though he felt like getting sick. "I need to do this."  
  
Jim studied John’s face, and nodded.  "Don't play the hero. If things go wrong...run away. Here, or my place, as fast as you can. And...you still have my present, don't you?"  
   
"Present?" Sherlock asked, confused.   
   
"Something to keep him safe"  
  
"I'll be fine and yes I still have it. I'll keep you both updated in school, of course. I don't have to go back until after school tomorrow."  
    
"Can't you wait? At least until Wednesday?" asked Sherlock.  
    
"No. Has to be Monday to Monday. It'll drag if I wait." John shook his head, keeping his fear under a lid.  
  
"But..."   
  
"I'll still be there if you need a hand with anything, Sherlock.' He promised.  
  
"I know.  "Will you come with me to the hospital on Wednesday?"

  
 John faltered but nodded "Of course."  
     
"Just a week" Sherlock muttered.

 

"Just a week." John replied. Jim frowned. There had been something...forced in that sentence. John was lying. Clearly Sherlock noticed it to, because he buried his face in Jim's chest, trying not to cry. "You were right, good things don't last." Sherlock muttered.  
  
Jim wrapped his arms around him, silently. He had no words to comfort Sherlock.

 

John sighed and scrubbed at his face. "Sherlock come here."

 

Sherlock took a deep breath, as Jim pushed him lightly towards John. John  pushed his chair out and tugged Sherlock down to sit on his lap.  He hugged him close and kissed his temple. "I will always come back," he whispered.

 

"Don't lie to me", Sherlock muttered, closing his eyes. "I can tell when you are lying".

 

"I'm not lying." John swore. "Jim as my witness."

 

Jim moved close to them and put a hand on Sherlock's shoulder. "He loves you, idiot. Of course he'll come back"  
  
"When?"

 

"Wednesday. And then over the weekend." John promised, stroking Sherlock's hair.

   
"Promise it", Sherlock whispered.   
    
"I promise." John muttered as he looked at Jim, worried.

  
Jim nodded at his silent question. He'll find a way to stay with Sherlock as much as he could. "I should leave", he said softly. If he was going to stay with Sherlock, he needed to go home soon today to prepare everything.  
  
"No", protested Sherlock, looking at him, still between John's arms.  
  
"Sherlock..."  
  
"Stay"  
  
"Sherlock, listen....I can't stay tonight", he said. He saw something in Sherlock's eyes. It looked like...pain. "Sherlock", he said in a much softer tone. "Today was the best day in my life. I won't leave you. Ever. But...I think it would be better if I can stay with you tomorrow"  
  
 "Okay", he whispered

 

It was...trivial compared with what was going to happen, but maybe they needed something trivial. "If you still want your kiss tomorrow at school...you two wait for me at the door. Don't be late." Jim said, walking upstairs to take his things.

 

Jim came back, and found them exactly in the same position as before. "I'll come with you tomorrow after school", he muttered, kissing Sherlock's head. He didn't want to go, but they needed some time alone and he would be more useful tomorrow. "Bye", he said, walking to the door.

 

"Bye, Jim," John called, resting his forehead on Sherlock's shoulder.

 

There should be something else he could say, to make things better. But it wasn't. Without saying anything else, he closed the door behind him.

 


	66. Chapter 66

Jim walked slowly. He didn’t want to go back home, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Molly and Seb were probably together, and he didn’t want to interrupt them. He needed something to focus, in order to distract his mind. Greg. He had to plan everything for tomorrow. It wouldn’t be difficult, he just needed to put some drugs and money in Greg’s locker, and the right people to tell the teachers just enough to make them suspicious. He planned every detail in his head on his way home.

 

The house was silent. He walked inside, and entered his mother’s bedroom. She was asleep, but there was something not quite natural in her sleep. Sedated. He sighed, and looked at the nurse.

 

“What happened?”

 

“She woke up screaming, and I couldn’t calm her down”.

 

Jim nodded, exhausted. At least she was calm now. He talked with the nurse for a while, to make sure his mother was okay, and then headed to his bedroom.

 

He walked to his bed, seeing the sheets crumpled where Sherlock had been sitting the previous day. He sat on the same spot, and sighed. They had been so happy then. He remembered Sherlock’s expression when he had left, and wondered how he was going to keep Sherlock safe while John was away. He had no idea of how to help him.

 

After a while, he got up and started to pace across the room. He took his phone, and considered sending Sherlock a text. Or John. But he dismissed the idea. They were together, and wouldn’t appreciate it.

 

He needed something to do. Finally, he started his laptop, and decided to check John’s file. He knew how to access it now. There were a few more things. A psychological evaluation of her mother, that she, somehow, had passed. A report of the house and the neighbourhood. Jim read everything carefully. John was to stay with his mother for a week, and the social worker would visit him three times, without calling before, to make sure everything was okay. After that, John would be interviewed, and they’d decide what to do.

 

Jim also checked the police report, and his own files. It took him about two hours, and kept his mind busy. When he had finished, he checked one of his email accounts, and accepted a job to test the safety of a website. Legal and dull, but he wasn’t in the right state of mind for one of the _other_ jobs.

 

Two and a half hours later, he shut off his laptop, and went to the bed. He was exhausted, and, although he knew that sleeping wasn’t a good idea feeling like that, he also knew that the following day would be difficult, and he needed to be rested.

 

He got changed, and lay on the bed. He couldn’t sleep, his mind kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. Finally, he took his phone and started to look at the pictures of Saturday. They looked so happy. And then he played the video Molly had taken, and couldn’t help a tiny smile.

 

He spent a very long time watching that video again and again, until he thought he was calm enough to try to sleep.

 

The nightmare was almost familiar, at the beginning. The basement. His father. Only it wasn’t Jim lying on the bed, it was John. His father was there, grabbing Sherlock, who was wincing in pain. The images were mixed and confusing, but he was hurting John, and Sherlock was watching him horrified. It was that look of disgust that made him wake up screaming, and covered in sweat.

 

It was too early, but he didn’d dare to try to sleep again. He took a long shower, trying to get rid of the strange sensation on his skin, and got dressed. Then he took some amphetamines and sleeping pills from the box where he kept the useless drugs the doctors had given to his mother over the years, and some money in small notes. Then he left for school without eating anything.

 

He arrived to school early, but it was better than being home, and he had things to do anyway. He talked to a few people, and made sure everything would be ready to carry on his plan. Only then he started to think about the kiss he owed Sherlock.  

 

He could do it pretending it was part of a bet. That would be easy, and safe. He frowned. He didn’t want to do that. He wanted to kiss Sherlock without having to hide. He was so tired of hiding all the time.

 

Jim sighed, and walked to the entrance, still not sure of what he’d do. When he saw them standing there, holding hands, he felt much better. And then frowned. Greg was walking away with a smug smile, and both Sherlock and John were tense.

 

"What has Greg done now?", he asked, worried.  
    
"He's going to be a real gentleman and walk me home after school. My mum obviously asked him to." John replied calmly, managing to hold himself together.  
    
"No, he is not. Greg is going to get into a lot of trouble today, remember? He won't be going anyway with you.", Jim replied, suddenly happier about his plan.

 

John nodded and exhaled slowly. "Right. So. You two's kiss?"  
    
"Later. In front of everybody, I said", he added. "John? Can you give your phone? It's just for a second"  
    
He frowned but gave Jim his phone dutifully. "Why?"  
    
"A little present. For tonight, in case you need it", he said, as he copied the video Molly had made on Saturday into John's phone, remembering how it had helped him last night.

 

John took his phone back and realized what it was. "Thank you," he said softly, nearly overcome with emotion again.   
   
Jim didn't know how to react to that, so he decided to ignore it. He looked around to check that they were alone, and lowered his voice just in case. "First, a warning. Things are going to get...interesting for Greg after lunch. The police will come to school, and ask questions, and...some people will tell them what I told them to say. I'm not sure what is going to happen to him". Not prison, he was underage. But selling drugs at school was not something the police ignored. He'd be expelled for some days, and would probably have to do some community service. "If you change your mind about that, you've until lunch to say it. I can't stop it after that. Second...." he hesitated, still not sure about this. 

"I'm tired of games. I don't care what people think. I want to be around you two at school, and I want to kiss Sherlock, and I  _will_  do it." And people would assume the worst of him anyway, like when he had helped John with his mother and they had believed Jim had caused the problem. "Alright?", he asked, trying to appear more confident than he was feeling.

 

Sherlock nodded, and smiled at Jim."Let's go, it's getting late”.

 

John nodded in agreement, taking Sherlock's hand. Jim walked in front of them, He had to talk to John before the day ended, but...not right now. He looked about to break. He thought about John's classes. He was either with Sherlock or with Jim in almost all of them, and....between Seb and Molly...Yes, he'll make sure John wasn't alone today.

 

Jim stopped at the door of his class, and looked at them. Tense, scared. "I'll see you in Maths, Sherlock", he said, in a controlled tone.

 

Sherlock nodded, and walked away with John. Jim took a deep breath, and waked inside the classroom, making sure his face didn’t show any emotions.


	67. Chapter 67

Jim went to his class, but ignored the teacher. He was too worried about what would happen after school. He'd have to take care of Sherlock, and he wasn't sure if he could do that. They hadn't spent much time alone, and Jim wasn't good at helping people. He didn't know if he could do this without John.

An hour later he was even more confused, having thought about everything that could go wrong. He went to his next class. Maths. It was usually interesting, and working with Sherlock made it better. But Sherlock was so tense and worried....

"Jim...can you stop this?", Sherlock whispered.

"Yes." He could. It would be easy, helping John to go away and hide.

"You promised to keep him safe."

Jim looked at Sherlock. He looked so lost..."Look, Sherlock..." he started. They were supposed to work together, so talking was expected. And nobody was listening. "John...wants to do this. Nobody is forcing him to go back. If he had said he didn't want to, social services would have sent him to a safe place until he was eighteen. But he chose to go, because he wanted evidence against his mother. He is...brave. Do you really want me to stop this?"

Jim could almost see Sherlock thinking. It took him almost two minutes to reply. “...okay”

Sherlock’s sad voice broke his heart, but he ignored it, and tried to distract Sherlock with the Math’s exercise. It didn’t seem to work, and when the class finished, Jim walked Sherlock to his next class before heading to his own History class, which he shared with John.

Jim knew it wasn’t wise. He had a reputation, and that kept him safe. But when John sat besides him, he realised that he was tired of hiding. He had meant what he had said this morning. He wanted to spend time with Sherlock and John at school, and to be able to kiss Sherlock. He didn't mind the consequences, he could deal with that. A night alone after what had happened yesterday...no, he couldn't do that anymore. So he smiled at John, not the relaxed smile he had when they were alone, but something closer to that than his usual fake one. "Hi."

John managed a smile of his own. "How was class?"

His smile vanished. "Sherlock is...too quiet.", he replied. He had tried talking about the project, about new ideas, about everything he could think of, but it hadn't worked

John grimaced. "Damn.. I'll talk to him during lunch.. He can't get depressed over this. Not now."

"I'll handle this", he replied. Somehow. John had enough problems. "I'll stay with him until you can go back, and keep him safe"

"Please keep him safe. I won't be able to deal with it if something happens to either of you.".

To...either of them? Jim would never get used to people...caring. He still didn't know how to react to that. "I'll do everything I can to keep him safe. I promise. And..." He had already offered, but..."same goes for you. I checked your file this morning, and a social worker will go to your house three days this week. Without calling first, so they can observe the natural behaviour. If you need a way out before that...I can do that. I have something prepared, for myself in case....they want to send me back. So I can hide you."

"I should be okay, if that's the case. I.. I have money saved up. Quite a lot as a just in case. Thanks though. I don't know if she'll do anything..." John shivered, and hesitated. "I need you to help me with something, actually."

Jim remembered the two times he had seen John's mother. Not nice memories precisely. "What do you need?"

"I'm going to need to cut. There is no getting around it." He said bluntly. "We need to figure out something with this deal, because I won't last two days max.”

Jim thought about it. John was serious. But he had promised not to lie to Sherlock. And....a deal was a deal. And then he thought about his own evaluation, which would include a physical exam. If he had cuts...that would be bad. Really bad. And then he thought about John, alone with that woman, and so scared that...he believed he wouldn't last two days. "You will. You have to. It's been...what? A month? If things get that bad, you call me, or you call Sherlock. Or even social services, or the police. If things get really bad, you run away. I won't break that deal. Sherlock needs it, and so do you. If you fail, you face the consequences and try harder next time"

John slumped in the seat and nodded reluctantly. "Fine. Fine." He bit his lip. "Don't have any rubber bands then, do you?" He asked.

Jim opened his bag and looked inside. There should be one somewhere there. He found it and handed it to John without commenting on it.

John took it silently and put it on his wrist. "Might work." He muttered.

"Are you sure you need it?", he asked worried.

"It's the only alternative. Better safe than sorry." He sighed. "It won't do me much harm.. Maybe some welts but.." He shrugged. "I’ll be fine."

"Yes, because otherwise Sherlock would kill me", Jim replied.

John snorted. "And me."

"He asked me to stop you from doing this. But...it's your choice"

"I need to do this. Otherwise I'll live in fear."

"I know. I'm not trying to stop you. I...understand why you are doing this. But...Sherlock doesn't understand"

"I'll explain it to him then," he sighed tiredly, scrubbing at his jaw. "I'm just dreading having to tell him that I won't be.. Around much. Unless it's school. Even after this week."

Sherlock definitely wouldn't understand that. "First, this week. Focus on that. Later...you don't know what's going to happen"

"There are two outcomes to this, Jim." He tapped his hands off the table. "Chances are I stay with her or I'm put in a home."

Jim sighed. “Just talk to him”, he whispered as the teacher walked in.

When the class ended, Jim took his things, and waited for John. People whispered around him. They were probably wondering what he had done to make John look this miserable.

They walked silently to the cafeteria. When Jim saw Sherlock staring at the floor, sitting in a table at the corner...he had promised to kiss him, and maybe it would made him smile. It was probably a bad idea. "John? I'm going to do something stupid right now", he whispered.

"I approve already." John said quietly, joking, following Jim inside.

Jim had no idea of the consequences this could have. But Sherlock needed it. He walked to him, showing confidence. Sherlock didn't react or look up until he was standing in front of him. When he looked up, Jim kissed him. He had intended it to be slow and tender, but Sherlock had clearly another idea, and kissed him back desperately. Jim forgot where he was, forgot about everything but Sherlock. When he moved away, Sherlock was smiling, although his eyes still looked sad.

The room erupted into whispers and gasps, everyone looking between the three of them. John ignored them and acted normal, as if it was a usual sight.Which it was. He dropped his bag at the table and wandered off to get himself and Jim lunch.

"Jim? What was that?", asked Sherlock in a whisper as Jim sat at his side.

"I owed you a kiss", Jim replied with a smile. "In front of everybody. I think that fit the description"

Sherlock nodded, blushing slightly. Jim smiled at him, and lost himself in Sherlock’s eyes, until he heard somebody shouting. Greg. And John.

"….Trying to what?!"

"Make things right. I know I was a dick and I know you probably hate me, but..."

"We're not talking about this here." John snapped and piled away, walking to the table.

He sat down silently, passing Jim his food without looking at either of them. The only thing he touched was his water.

"John? You promised" whispered Sherlock. John sighed, picked up the apple he had gotten himself and ate it slowly, mechanically.

Sherlock watched John eating, with a blank expression, and suddenly he got up "I...I'll be back in a minute", he muttered.

John blinked and looked up at Sherlock, frowning. Then he stared at the table.

Jim looked at Sherlock, and then at John, not knowing what to do. But he was going to be with Sherlock after school...so he stayed. He wondered what people would be thinking right now. "I think that the fact that you got my food after I kissed Sherlock is making everybody confused", he said, trying to distract John.

He looked at Jim, eye brows raised. "I think so too. Greg's interference didn't help matters either."

"I probably shouldn't have kissed him. But I had promised it, and he seemed to need it", Jim replied, starting to eat.

"I know. It's nobody's business but yours, and Sherlock's." He shrugged, turning back to his water after only a few bites of the apple.

"He said you promised. What did you promise? To eat?" John looked as if he would be sick of he ate anything right now. Jim gave him his apple. "Keep it for later"

"At least once a day. His mum made him promise her that he would eat once a day. I rarely eat as it is , so I promised him as well to make it easier." He took the apple and slipped it into his bag.

Jim nodded, noticing how fast John had taken the apple. Did he...need food? He glanced at his watch, and decided to worry about it later. "You have about ten minutes to change your mind about Greg", he reminded John.

John buried his face in his hands. Great. "I don't know", he groaned.

"It's not your decision. I want to do it, and planning it took a long time. I want to do it, because of what he did to Sherlock, to you and to me. And because of the way Sherlock was looking at him before. But I'll stop it if you want me to"

John hesitated, and looked around. Jim noticed that he was looking at Molly, and wondered what had she told John. "Do it.", John whispered

Jim nodded. Everything was in motion now, unless he stopped it. In seven minutes, two twelve year old would go to their teacher, and tell her that they'd been talking about how tired they were because of the exams, when Greg had overheard and offer to give them something to help. The protocol was to call the police and search the locker and bag of the suspect. They would find a lot of money, in small notes, and several small baggies of drugs, obviously for selling. Easy, when a lot of people owed him favours.

"Okay. Go and find Sherlock, bring him back here before everything starts", Jim replied. John had to talk to Sherlock, after all.

John nodded and rose quickly, making his way across the cafeteria.

They came back shortly after. Sherlock had clearly been crying, and John looked sad. Jim sighed. He could hear the whispers around him. It was strange. Even when he wasn't trying to hide, the results were the same. Because...he had kissed Sherlock, and made John take him food. Then Greg said something to John that had made him really nervous. After that, Sherlock had left without touching his food, and came back holding hands with John and with red eyes. The picture was...exactly like something he could have planned.

Jim looked at the remains of Sherlock's food. He hadn't eaten. At all. When they arrived at the table, he looked at Sherlock. He was...calmer. Good. "Eat, Sherlock", he said softly. Then he took Sherlock's apple, and gave it to John. "You like apples, don't you?"

To his surprise, Sherlock started to eat, and it made Jim feel a bit better.Five minutes later, one of the teachers came in and told Greg to go with him. John looked worried, but...Jim had given him the chance to stop it, and he hadn't.

Once Greg had left the room, Jim studied Sherlock. He was definitely better, it had been a good idea to ask John to talk to him. Then he looked at John, and frowned. He looked about to break. "Sherlock? I'd like to talk to John. Can you go with Molly?"

Sherlock nodded without thinking, but then stopped, and looked at John.

"Go on. I'm fine." John assured.

Sherlock nodded and went to sit with Molly and Seb.

Jim looked at John silently, wondering what to say. "Come outside", he said, finally. There was things that were not safe to say here.

John nodded and rose to follow Jim outside. "Why?"

"Because I don't want anybody to overhear us, and, as you should have noticed, everybody is watching", Jim replied, leading John to the music room. Once there, he closed the door behind them. "Okay. I might be wrong, but I think that you have no plan for this"

John couldn't help but laugh. "Not a clue. I'm going in blind."

"Let's change that. I know you don't want Sherlock to worry, but he isn't here. So tell me the worst that could happen"

"Worst case scenario? She and her friends beat the crap out of me and rape me within an inch of my life." John said flatly.

Jim didn't show any reaction to John's words. "Okay. What would you do, in that case?"

"Depends what state I'm in. Either call the social worker or run for it. Really depends though."

"So...let me see if i've understood. Your plan is to let her do whatever she wants, and then call for help"

"If she doesn't do it, I won't be believed. She'll act like the perfect mother and it'll look like I just want to get away in general."

"Well, it's a plan" Not a very good one, but it was something. "Do you have neighbours?"

He nodded, frowning. "Not good people."

No help there, then. "Alright. What if she takes away your phone?"

"She... might. But I have a useless one I hand up instead of my actual one."

"I knew you were clever", Jim said with a smile. "Don't let her hurt you too much. If you run away and you are hurt, it will be enough"

"I.. I might not have a chance to run." He muttered.

Jim nodded. "Do you know how to...hide in your mind?" It was useful, when pain couldn't be avoided.

"Yeah." John replied, growing uncomfortable.

"I'll take care of Sherlock to the best of my abilities. Is there anything else I can do?"

"Make sure he eats and takes his medication. Don't leave him alone." He bit his lip, growing upset. "Distract him if you can. With anything. Don't let him call me. And.. Keep yourself okay as well. Both of you are scared to spend so much time alone, I know, but just.. Look out for yourself too."

"I always do that", he replied. "There's something...I know the timing is awful, but...somebody will probably call you this week or the next one for my evaluation"

"Oh, damn." John muttered. "Well, I really hope it's next week." He sighed. "I'll still do it, of course."

"I'm not sure if you understand. If things go wrong, and they want to send me back...i'll have to go away. And Sherlock...I don't know how he would react to that"

"I'll do what I can to help, Jim. Anything you need done to make sure you don't get taken away, I'll do it."

"I know. I should tell you...a lot of things. But, as I said...awful timing. I need to prove that I can live on my own, that I won't hurt myself and that I'm...recovered. "

"Tell me when you can, or when you think it's an okay timing. There's never a 'good' time to tell someone stuff like this. You just do it when you can."

Jim nodded. "Somebody will call you to set a date for an interview. Before you go, I'll tell you"

He nodded. "Alright, that's fine." He sighed and sat on a table.

"Between the two of us, we almost make one normal boyfriend", he said, sitting at his side.

He snorted, smiling. "Almost being the key word, here."

"Yes. Almost." he replied, smiling too. "I...can't do this without you. Stay as safe as you can", he added, without looking at him

He patted Jim's knee lightly. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. I'll be fine." He assured. "I managed ten years with that woman and my dad. I'll manage another week."

"I know." He stayed silent for a minute. "There's something...nobody knows. And you can't tell, no matter what. My father...you know he escaped, don't you?"

He nodded. "Yeah, you were saying a few days ago." He paused and looked at Jim for a long moment. "He didn't, did he?"

Jim closed his eyes. He was so tired of hiding all the time. "He came back for me. He won't come back again"

John’s eyes widened. After a moment, he slowly wrapped his arm around Jim's shoulders and scooted closer to half-hug him. "Good."

Good? He opened his eyes and glanced at John's face. He meant that. He closed his eyes again, and relaxed, feeling John's arm around him. "I...wanted to tell you, because...the fear doesn't go away. No matter what you do,no matter if you find the evidence and your mother goes to prison. Knowing that you are safe helps, but doesn't make you feel safe"

"Thanks for telling me, Jim." John said quietly.


	68. Chapter 68

They walked to the table where Sherlock was. And he was...blushing. What had Molly told him?  
    
   
"Hey. What did we miss?" John asked, sitting on one side of Sherlock.  
  
   
"N...nothing", replied Sherlock.  
   
   
"Oh, don't be shy!", Molly smiled. "I was just asking him about you two."  
   
   
Sherlock blushed deeper. "Molly..."  
    
   
John looked from one to the other, and laughed.  
   
    
"Can we just talk about something else? Anything?", Sherlock asked, embarrassed.  
   
Jim looked at Molly. "What was he saying?" He asked with a grin.

"How it feels different kissing you from kissing John", she said, smiling. "It seems that you told him that you'd kissed me, and he had questions"  
   
Sherlock groaned, and buried his face in his hands.  
   
"Oh, he always has questions. It's cute", Jim replied with a smile.  
    
John grinned widely, laughing.   
   
"For the last time, I'm not cute", Sherlock muttered without looking at anyone.  
    
"Oh, please. You're adorable!"  
    
"Definitely", Jim added.  
   
Sherlock looked at Molly "See what you've done?"  
   
"But you _are_ cute", she said, smiling too.  
    
Jim  smiled at Molly, grateful that she was able to do this for them. Make them laugh and relax, despite everything that was going on "Anything else he said that was cute?" He asked, teasing Sherlock.  
    
"Oh, lots of things. You know, Jim, usually it's not a good idea to let your ex girlfriend and your boyfriend talk alone"  
   
"Neither of you are normal", Jim replied, honestly.  
   
"John, make them stop, please", Sherlock said, looking at him.  
    
John smiled and wrapped his arm around Sherlock's waist, and the other around his shoulders dramatically. "You are too precious for this world!" he hugged Sherlock carefully, making sure not to hurt him.  
    
"See, Molly? Cute doesn't starts to describe it", Jim teased  
   
 "Don't start, Jim, or I'll tell Sherlock how cute _you_ can be"

Jim looked Molly silently for a minute. Perceptive, John had said. Oh, she was clever. She knew exactly what she was doing. He glanced at John and Sherlock. They needed some time alone. "Come, Molly, I'll walk you to your class. I'll meet you two at the door”

 

  
John nodded. "All right. See you guys later."

 

Jim got up, and waited for Molly to follow, hearing Sherlock and John.

   
"I just asked her some questions. How is that cute?"  
   
"You're always cute, to us"

  
"John!"  
    
John giggled. "What?"  
  
"Nothing. "You can call me cute whenever you want, if you kiss me afterwards”

   
"I will, then. Cute. Cute. Cute”

   
"Idiot. Everybody is looking at us, you know?"  
   
"Don't care. I'm happy”

 

 

 

Finally they were too far away to hear Sherlock and John, and Jim turned to look at them. They looked so happy.

 

“So....it’s really working. I’m glad”, Molly said with a tiny smile.

 

Jim nodded. “We’re...adjusting, but yes, it’s working”. He looked at Molly, and smiled. “How are things with Seb?”

 

Molly blushed slightly. “Fine”

 

Jim frowned. Molly’s body language showed some tension. “Is something wrong?”

 

She shook her head. “No, it’s just....” She looked around, and lowered her voice. “Look, I know it’s stupid, but....he's dated so many girls. And has never been with any of them for more than a couple of weeks. What if.....”

 

That was mostly his fault. “You’re different”, he replied.

 

“Why?”

 

Jim thought about it. He couldn’t say that it was because he didn’t mind Sebastian dating her. And it was more than that, Sebastian really liked her. “You two were friends before. He knows you”, he said finally. It seemed to work, and Molly smiled at him.

 

Jim was distracted in his class, looking for ways to help John, and thinking about Sherlock. He had promised John to take care of him, and not to leave him alone, but he couldn’t just move to Sherlock’s house.

 

He didn’t reach any conclusion by the end of the lesson. He walked to the entrance to wait for Sherlock and John, still worried.

 

When they arrived, they were talking in whispers. Sherlock went to him, glanced at John and licked his lips nervously.

 

"Jim? Will you...stay with me?"   
  
Jim smiled, relieved. This was clearly John’s doing. "Of course, if you want me to. We have to check on my mother regularly. So...what about...if we go to my house after school, for a short time, and then we go to your place?"  
  
Sherlock nodded. "What about John? We could go with him after school, walk him home"  
  
Jim hesitated. He doubted John wanted Sherlock close to his mother. "Ask him"  
  
"John", said Sherlock with a smile as they walked outside. "Jim is going to stay with me"

  
John looked at Jim knowingly. "That's great."

 

"Yes, we'll stop for a while at his home after school, to make sure that his mum is alright, and then he'll come with me", he said, nervously.

  
 "That's good." John replied. Then he frowned a bit. "What's wrong?"

 

"Nothing", Sherlock replied, glancing at Jim."I'm just...nervous"  
  
Jim noticed the way Sherlock was looking at him. He looked scared. What if something happened to Sherlock and he didn't know how to help him?

  
John sighed. "Look. Both of you will be fine. If anyone bad happens, call me. Only if you need me, though. But you'll both be alright."

 

"Of course we will", said Jim, trying to sound confident. "Sherlock, ask John."  
  
"Yes, Jim said I should ask you...Do you want us to...go with you? We could...go in the car, take you home."

  
"No." John replied instantly, shaking his head.  "I'll be fine. No need to go out of your way."

 

"What about...coming with us to Jim's house? It's in the way to yours, you can walk from there." Sherlock insisted

  
John bit his lip nervously. "I'd rather go alone, if I'm honest."

 

John looked tense. When Sherlock opened his mouth to insist,  Jim put his hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it.  
  
"See you tomorrow, John. And good luck", Jim said, firmly.   
  
"Remember that I love you", Sherlock whispered.

 

"I love you too," John sighed, pulling Sherlock close into a hug.

 

After a minute, he moved away from John, clearly trying not to cry. "I...I'll see you tomorrow", he whispered.

 

John kissed his cheek. "I'll text you tonight." He assured, looking at Jim for a moment before hugging him too.

 

Jim would never get used to this. He tensed for a second, before returning the hug. "Good luck, John"

"Thanks," he muttered before moving away. "I'll see you both tomorrow." He nodded before awkwardly turning around to walk away.

Sherlock watched John walking away, pain written clearly on his face. Jim looked at Sherlock's reaction, not knowing what to do for a second, before remembering John's words. Hold him, hold his hand, kiss him, distract him. He took Sherlock's hand.  
  
"Let's go, Sherlock."  
  
Sherlock didn't say anything, but allowed Jim to take him to the car. Jim closed the door behind them, and told the driver his address. The car started moving, and they looked at each other.

 

They didn't speak at all until they arrived at Jim's house. Sherlock looked about to break, and Jim had no idea of what to say. But, remembering John's advice, he hugged him, and it seemed to help a little  
  
Jim wasn't sure about this. Having Sherlock at home, with his mother, every day. He paused at the door for a moment, preparing himself. In that moment he felt Sherlock holding his hand. He looked at Sherlock, surprised, but also reassured. The contact made him feel much better. They were still holding hands when they entered the house

 

 

Jim went to his mother's room, without releasing Sherlock's hand.   
  
"Mum?"  
  
His mother looked at them, fixing her eyes on their hands.   
  
"Jimmy? Is this your...boyfriend?" She asked with a smile.  
  
Jim looked at Sherlock, and nodded.  
  
"Good", she said, closing her eyes.  
  
That had been...good. Jim kept holding Sherlock's hand, and went to his room. Sherlock was too quiet. Distract him. Alright. "Help me to get my clothes", he said. "Or, better. You get to decide what I take with me".  
  
Sherlock's eyes lit, and he nodded, opening Jim's wardrobe.  
  
An  hour after, they left for Sherlock's home. Jim's mother was sleeping, and Sherlock had examined every single piece of clothing Jim had.

 

 

It was strange, being at Sherlock's house without John there. It felt...empty. Jim stopped as Sherlock closed the door behind them, and they looked at each other in silence.

 

Jim could see the fear and worry in Sherlock’s eyes. And...wait. Sherlock hadn’t said a word since John had left. He had to do something. So he kissed him, soft and tenderly, until he felt his body relax.

 

Keep him distracted, hold him, kiss him. So far it was working. After the kiss, Sherlock didn’t look so lost for a while. And then Jim kept him distracted as good as he could. They worked in the project. They played chess (and Sherlock was a good player). But Sherlock was....different. Emtpy. Most times, he reacted almost mechanically, and he never offered any suggestion of what to do. Jim had the impression that if he weren't there, Sherlock would just sit and stare at the wall for hours.   
  
"The deal ended today", Sherlock muttered, later. "You can't keep him safe now"  
  
Jim took Sherlock's hand. "I know. We could...make another deal, if you want. Is there anything you want from me?"  
  
Sherlock looked at him. "Can I...think about it, for a while?"  
  
Jim nodded, and kissed his cheek. He took his hand, and let him to the kitchen. Sherlock sat down, and Jim made dinner. "Send him a text. Tell him that...we miss him"  
  
Sherlock nodded. "I love you. We miss you. Only six days left. SH". He showed Jim the screen before sending it.

 

"He is not answering", said Sherlock, nervous.  
   
Jim put the food in front of him, and gave him a painkiller.  
   
Sherlock looked at him. "I'm not hungry"  
   
Jim sighted. "Sherlock, I promised John that you will eat and take your pills."  
   
Sherlock stared at him for a moment, and then, slowly, started to eat  
   
They ate in silence, Sherlock glancing at the phone almost constantly. When they had finished, and Jim was taking the plates to the sink, John still hadn't answered.  
   
"Sherlock, what are you doing?"  
   
"I'm calling him"  
   
"No", Jim said, moving closer and grabbing his wrist. "You are _not_ calling him.", he added, taking Sherlock's phone from his hand before releasing him.  
   
Sherlock rubbed his wrist, and glared at Jim. "I hate you. You should leave", he muttered, standing up and walking out of the room.  
   
That...hurt. More than anything had, before. Jim froze, not knowing what to do, until he remembered John's words. Stay, even if he tells you to leave. Hesitant, he went upstairs.  
   
Jim found Sherlock in his bed, crying desperately. Without saying anything, he took off his shoes, entered the bed and hugged him. He kept hugging Sherlock for a very long time, kissing his head and without saying anything.  
   
Finally, an answer came to Sherlock's phone, and, when he read it, Sherlock started to cry again.

Jim looked at the screen, hoping that nothing bad had happened.

   
I love you too. Miss you both. Counting the days. –JW

 

 

Jim sighed, and hugged Sherlock again.

 

 It was going to be a long night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	69. Chapter 69

Eventually, Sherlock calmed down, but he didn’t move. Jim kept holding him, because it seemed to help Sherlock, and because he liked doing it. He was worried about John too. Going back would be...worse than before, because now he knew something else.  
   
"Jim...do you think he is alright?"  
   
Jim took a deep breath. "No, Sherlock. That's the point of this. So he can...get some evidence"  
   
"Like...recording his mother threatening him?"  
   
Jim remembered John's words about the worst that could happen. "Yes, something like that", he lied.  
   
"I'm sorry about before. I don't hate you"  
   
"I know, Sherlock. I was thinking...it doesn't feel right, sleeping here. It's John's place. Let's go to...my room"  
   
Later, in the other room, sleeping was as difficult as before, but Jim was right. Being here with him remind him of saturday night, and made him feel better.  
   
"Tell me about John. How did you meet?" Jim said, hoping it made Sherlock think about something happy.

 

“After the first couple of days here, people here....didn’t want to sit besides me. There was an empty seat in Biology, and on the third day John came and sit there. I noticed he was hurt, because....”

 

Sherlock stopped, and Jim kissed the top of his head.

 

“...he moved too carefully. So I just asked him who had beaten him. And instead of being angry because I knew, he was....relieved. I offered him to come to my house after school, because he refused to go to a doctor. He agreed, and I....helped him the best I could. After that, he stayed, and we had a fun afternoon”, Sherlock said with a tiny smile.

 

“And you started dating”

 

“No. That was the next day. John stayed with me until late, and when he realised he left, looking scared. The next morning, at school....” Sherlock paused, and bit his lip. “It was bad. So bad that I took him to the nurse. And....it wasn’t just a beating. He begged the nurse not to tell anybody, and she asked him if he had somewhere else to stay. He looked at me, I nodded, and....well, he stayed here. In this room.”

 

“Yes, John mentioned it. He also said that he had only spent one night here”

 

“Not even a whole night. That night, I....had a nightmare. John was awake, heard me and....stayed with me.  In the morning, we....” Sherlock blushed. “I don’t know how, we ended up kissing.”

 

Jim kissed Sherlock’s forehead, and listened to Sherlock talking about that kiss, and how terrified he had been.  About how he was always scared of hurting John. About the night after he had kissed Jim, the only first one he and John had spent apart. About the night he had given John the first butterfly. He talked and talked, in whispers, between Jim's arms.  
   
Jim listened in silence, holding him. Sherlock loved John so much. He would never love Jim that way. But Sherlock did love him, and that was enough.

 

They didn’t sleep at all. In the morning, Jim was exhausted. And Sherlock still had that empty expression in his eyes. Distract him. Okay. They had a deal pending.   
  
"So...have you thought about it? Is there something you want from me?"  
  
Sherlock looked at Jim silently for about five minutes, and Jim was starting to get nervous when he spoke.

  
"I want you to stay"  
  
"You already have that"  
  
"No, I want you to...stop hiding from me"  
  
Jim looked at him silently. Stop hiding. That would be....hard.  
  
"You have to be more specific"  
  
"Stop hiding your emotions. Stop hiding your body. That's what I want. What do you want in exchange for that?"  
  
Jim tensed. How could he be able to do that? "For that....I would need...you to be mine. I would need total trust. I would need you to do what I told you to, every time, and without questions. I would need...you to love me, and to accept who am I and what I've done"  
  
"Jim...you already have that"  
  
He had that? Jim studied Sherlock's face carefully. He wasn't lying. "I....I will...need time. I've been hiding my whole life"  
  
Sherlock nodded. "We have time. You...you are not going anywhere"  
  
"No, I am not"  
  
Sherlock looked happier after that. Jim helped him to take off his bandages, and, after he showered, he put them on again. Then he had a shower, and told Sherlock to make tea for both of them.

 

 

When he got dressed after the shower, he thought about Sherlock's request. Unsure, he left the top button of his shirt opened, and looked at the mirror. On the visible skin there were some scars. Not many, not the worst of them. And still, it was hard to look at them. He took a deep breath. Sherlock wanted this. He could do this.

 

He went to the kitchen, and, when Sherlock looked at him, he smiled for the first time since John had left. Just for that, it was worth it. Jim smiled back, and, before sitting, he took some biscuits and gave them to Sherlock, who ate them without saying anything.   
  
They left for school early. Once they arrived, and before getting out of the car, Sherlock closed his shirt before he could do it, and kissed him softly. "Thank you"  
  
Jim smiled, not knowing how to react. This...closeness was new. It made him feel strange. "Let's go, Sherlock.", he said, as he got out of the car, and helped Sherlock. He didn't need it, of course, but Jim wanted to touch him. And Jim kept holding Sherlock’s hand. Maybe he shouldn’t, but he had more important things in his mind than what would people think.

 

In that moment John arrived, and walked past them as if he hadn’t seen them. Jim knew he had, because his body had tensed and his pace had changed. He observed the careful way he was moving, and sighed.  Well, that would surely be enough evidence. He took Sherlock's hand, and realised he was trembling. What had John said? Kiss him when he start to think too much. So he kissed Sherlock, hoping that it would help.  
  
Sherlock was tense for a second, and then relaxed and kissed Jim back. Jim forgot where they were, and the fact that a lot of people were watching, until he heard whispers around them and Sherlock pulled away.

 

"Jim? what do we do?", Sherlock whispered, as they walked inside  
  
Jim had no idea, but he wasn't going to tell that to Sherlock. "Give him some time. We'll talk to him at lunch, if he doesn't talk to us before. And...don't ask him any questions", he said, walking Sherlock to his class and heading towards his History one, which he shared with John..

 

He entered the classroom, feeling strangely nervous. He sat besides John without saying anything, reading his body language. He had no idea of what to say. Oh, if he wanted to hurt him, that would be easy. But this...  
  
"Do you need anything?", he whispered, unsure. If he were John, he wouldn't want to talk about it, and this wasn't clearly the place. But he was hurt, and might need medical attention

 

"Strong painkillers." John muttered despite himself. "Possibly a d....doctor."

 

Jim frowned, and studied John more carefully. He was pale, and in much more pain that he had estimated before.  "Alright. Let's go. Now", he said firmly, looking at John's expression. "And don't even think about saying that you are fine and you don't need help. We are going to the hospital, right now"

 

John blinked but nodded,  too tired to fight. "Fine." he sighed, gathering his things.

 

 

He observed John as they left the room. His hair was wet, he had showered. Idiot. "Call the social worker. Now. Tell her we are going to the hospital. Do it, or I'll do it for you", he said. He was nervous, and used a harsh tone that made John cringe and look away.

 

"I'll do it on the way," John muttered, simply trying not to cry in pain.

 

 

Jim was angry, and was having trouble controlling it. He walked silently to the entrance. "Can you walk? And I want an honest answer". He was angry with himself. He should have tried harder to convince John to stay. Or when he hadn't answered to the text. He should have called then.

 

 

"I can but.. It's pretty painful."

 

 

Jim took the bottle of Sherlock's painkillers, and gave John two. "I'm going to call... a taxi or an ambulance?" he asked, looking at John.

 

 

John took the tablets with out complaint "Ambulance." he whispered, avoiding Jim's gaze.

 

 

"Call the social worker. Now", he said, more worried than before, as he called an ambulance. John had walked all the way here. He helped him to sit on a bench, and John winced in pain.

 

They had told him that the ambulance would arrive in ten minutes. He looked at the road, nervously, as John phoned the social worker.

 

“What do I tell Sherlock?”, he asked after John had finished speaking.

 

 

"I don't know." He sighed. "Tell him I won't be living with my mother any more."

 

"You won't", Jim said.

 

“I'm taking care of John. He will be fine. I'll see you after school-Jim". He showed John the text. "Should I send it?"

 

 

"Yes. And ask Molly and Sebastian to look out for him."

 

"Of course", he replied. He read the text again, and added a line. "Don't call us, he needs some time". He looked at John, deleted the line. Then  wrote it again. Then he showed it to John . "Is it better this way?"

 

John nodded. "Perfect "

 

Jim sat besides him, and texted Molly and Seb, asking them to take care of Sherlock today, and to wait with him until he came back, but without explaining anything. They would do it, they both liked Sherlock.   
  
"It will be alright. You might even be able to stay with Sherlock", he said softly.

 

"Yeah, maybe." John muttered, closing his eyes.

 

Jim looked at John, and the way he was behaving. "What did you take?", he asked wondering where the ambulance would be.

 

 

"Weak pain killers at home. Didn't think it through."

 

Idiot. Idiot. And he had given John more painkillers this morning. Okay. He had to think.

 

"Alright. I need you...I need you to throw up. You know how to do it, right? Oh, of course you know", he said, talking fast. How long had it been? How many had he taken?

 

John nodded jerkily and turned away from Jim into a bush. He took a few deep breaths before shoving two fingers to the back of his throat, beginning to vomit instantly, body shaking as he retched into the bush.

 

 

Jim got up and held John, hoping that this would be enough, and they didn't need to do anything about the painkillers at the hospital. He should have asked before giving those pills to him.

 

 

John spat in disgust when he was finished. He flinched under Jim's touch, the sobs beginning to well in his throat.

 

 

"It will be okay", he muttered, remembered John's text from last night. "We are going to the hospital, and they will make you feel better. And then you'll go somewhere safe. Sherlock's birthday is this week, maybe they'll allow you to stay with him. And if they don't, they won't make you change school, so you won't be far away. We....we need you, John", he said, as he heard the ambulance coming closer.

 

John nodded as Jim spoke, but he was clearly not listening. Jim felt John’s breathing becoming fast and uneven, and his body trembling.   
 

"John, listen to me", Jim said, talking slowly, and still holding him. At least this was something familiar. He knew how to deal with panic. "Keep your eyes closed, and focus on your breathing. Breath deeply, and slowly. You are safe, I will keep you safe. You have to breath. Slow and deep breaths. Come on, you can do this. Just breath"

 

John whimpered and tried to follow Jim's instructions, slowly calming down but his head was still spinning and his sight seemed to be tunnelling.

 

 

"Yes, that's it, you are doing alright", Jim said, as, slowly, John's breathing went back to normal. "Keep breathing. You are probably feeling weird right now, but just keep breathing." He kept saying, as the ambulance stopped in front of them

 

John wrapped his arms around himself as he slowly came back to normal.

  
Two paramedics hurried over from the ambulance. "What happened?" one asked.

 

 Jim didn't move away from John. Instead, he put his arm around his waist. John leaned into him, his knees weak. "He had a panic attack, but he is better now. He..." He stopped, thinking his words carefully. This would be important in the trial. "He's been raped and beaten, and probably his mother hadn't been giving him any food. We've called his social worker,and told her that we're going to a hospital"

 

One of the medics nodded. "Get a stretcher." He directed for the other medic. "You're safe now." He assured John. "He been sick?" He asked, using Jim's help to get John onto the stretcher before getting him into the ambulance, hooking him to an IV.

 

Jim went in the ambulance. He wasn't going to leave John alone.   
  
"Yes, but only because he was so nervous, and scared of telling me", he lied, taking John's hand. "He said he took a couple of painkillers at home, weak ones", he said, just in case. "You...you have to keep his mother away from him", he added.

 

 

John trembled on the stretcher, and Jim took his hand.  

  
"We can't do anything until he's in the hospital, but he'll be alright. What's his medical history? Allergies, past injuries etcetera." One asked.  
The other was calling it in with a request for police to be at the hospital.

 

 

"I don't know if he had any allergies. No food allergies, that I know for sure. Past injuries....well, this has happened before, a lot of times. Last month he had been living with his boyfriend, and things went better, but yesterday he went back to his mother's house. It was for a trial week, but...you can see what happened". He stopped for a second, thinking. "His name is John, John Watson. He is 17" He should have started by that. He squeezed John's hand. "Don't make him go back, please"

 

The medics eyes widened. "John _Watson_?"

  
John nodded.

  
"Right. Go on. Full history from you." He sighed getting a pen and a sheet to fill in.   
John frowned but nodded. "Uh, seventeen, not allergic to anything, physical and sexual abuse from age six." He cleared his throat. "Stopped for under a month, went home yesterday, was beaten and raped."

  
The medic nodded and handed the sheet to the man driving. "Call it in! You're safe now. Your social worker called the hospital a few days ago. Kind of expected you."

  
John paled. "Fan bloody tastic." He muttered.

 

 

Jim didn't move from John's side, or released his hand, the whole journey. He should have prevented this. "It will be fine, John", he muttered

"No it won't.' John muttered, staring at the ceiling of the car.

  
The medic raised a brow. "Yes it will. As much as you've been hurt, we're all here to help you. You definitely won't be hurt again."

 

 

"You won't go back with her. Maybe...maybe you'll be allowed to stay with Sherlock". Jim said softly He had said it before, but he wanted the medics to hear it. This was important.

 

 

"Boyfriend?" The medic asked.

  
John nodded. "Yeah."

  
"Then you are…?"

 

 

"I'm Jim. Jim Moriarty. We are friends", he said without looking away from John. He frowned slightly glancing at how pale John was getting.  
   
"Alright there? We're nearly there."  
   
John nodded, shifting uncomfortably.  
   
The medic tsked. "Roll onto your stomach." he instructed, frowning deeply.  
   
John did as instructed and the medic held back a gasp at the blood soaking through John's clothing. "Speed it up, Michael." He called, cutting John's trousers and underwear off with scissors, all the while cursing under his breath.  
 

Jim paled. There was too much blood. What if...John wasn't fine? What if...no, no, focus. He had promised John, and Sherlock. It would be fine, it had to.

 

They made it to the hospital in record time and John was rushed through, straight into an OR. The medics asked Jim to wait in the waiting room, someone would talk to him soon.  
  
Jim waited, and waited. What was taking so long? What if...no, he wasn't going to think about that. The social worker came in after a while, and sat in front of him.  
   
"You...you were supposed to keep him safe", he said, almost crying. "I told you she would hurt him"  
   
She got up, and put a hand on his shoulder.  
   
"She is his only relative, and we had no proof against her, we had to try. I will keep him safe"  
   
"He was safe with Sherlock", he muttered bitterly, looking away.  
   
She didn't answer, and left the room.  
   
Jim waited and waited. He thought about texting Sherlock, but... what was he going to tell him? That he didn't know how John was? And...he wasn't family, maybe they wouldn't tell him. No, they had to. John would ask for him.  
   
After a long time, he decided to text Sherlock and tell him to come. Maybe John would ask for him instead.

 

 

 


	70. Chapter 70

Jim kept pacing across the room for a while, waiting for Sherlock to come. But before that, a doctor came into the waiting room.

"Someone here for John Watson?" He asked, scanning the room.

 

Jim looked up, and walked to the man. "I'm his friend", he said, nervous. "How...how is he?"

The doctor pursed his lips, studying Jim. "He's lost a lot of blood and there seemed to be some internal bleeding. We've patched him and have him on a blood transfusion right now. He should be awake in about an hour or so. Before we had to knock him out he asked that you be there when he was out of the O.R. You're free to see him. Maximum three visitors and you can stay as long as you want."

He nodded. "Take me to him, please", he said. Then he texted Sherlock Sherlock again. "He is out of surgery, he'll be fine- Jim". Before he could put the phone back in his pocket, Sherlock’s reply arrived. "I'm on my way-SH"

Jim was taken to a room, and he sat besides the bed. John looked so small and pale...He took his hand, and waited.

After about ten minutes, Sherlock came in. He sat silently on the other side of John’s bed, and took his hand too. Jim looked for something to say, but his mind was blank. He was supposed to protect John, he had promised Sherlock. And he had failed. Sherlock looked as if he was going to be sick. His fault. 

John woke an hour and a half later. He blinked groggily, and looked at them. 

"Hey. How are you feeling?", asked Jim softly. He glanced at Sherlock, worried, because he wasn’t saying anything and was staring at the floor. 

"I don't know yet. Can't really feel.. anything. Like I can move and stuff but," John shrugged. "No pain. Feels weird.."

"You'll have to stay here for a while, but you'll be fine", Jim said softly.

"I missed you", Sherlock muttered, kissing John's hand.

John nodded gratefully at Jim. He looked at Sherlock and his gaze softened. He tugged him close by the hand and kissed him on the lips softly. Just a quick kiss, but enough. "I missed you too."

Sherlock smiled at John. "There's a policeman outside your door"

Jim nodded. "The social worker called the police. She won't come close to you"

John sighed and stared at the ceiling. "What's the damage?" He asked quietly.

"Blood loss, internal bleeding. You have some stitches, and have to stay here until they can take them out, because infection is likely, given where they are. No broken bones, but a lot of bruising", Jim said, noticing how Sherlock tensed as he talked.

John pursed his lips, sucking on his teeth. "Could have been worse." 

"Much worse", Jim agreed.

"Thanks for making sure I was okay." John said to both of them.

Jim noticed John tensing, and released his hand. John seemed to be uncomfortable with physical contact. "Sherlock", he said, looking at their hands.

"But, Jim..."

"We have a deal. No questions"

Sherlock nodded, and released John's hand.

John pressed his lips together and slid his arms under the flimsy bed sheet, almost like if he was trying to hide. Jim glanced at Sherlock again. He looked miserable.

"I won't touch you unless you want me to, you know that. And...I love you", Sherlock whispered

John smiled weakly. "Thanks. And I love you too."

Jim glanced at the window. It was already dark outside. And he hadn't seen his mother today. He looked at them. "Sherlock? I have to check on my mother. You can...wait here, if you want."

Sherlock looked at Jim, and then at John, unsure. "Take the car", he said finally.

"Will you be back?" John asked.

"Of course. Unless...you'd rather be alone."

John worried at his lip. Slowly he nodded, avoiding both of their gazes.

"Then we both should go" Jim said, looking at Sherlock.

Sherlock looked at John. He clearly wanted to stay. "Jim..."

"Sherlock, John is tired and needs time to recover. We'll be back tomorrow, after school."

Sherlock looked at John once more.

"Sherlock, you promised", Jim insisted.

"John? Would you feel better if I left?"

"N-no, but I want to be alone." John muttered, looking down at the sheets.

"You don't. You just feel that you don't deserve it. We've been through this before, John"

Jim remembered John's words about Sherlock. Stay, even if he wants you to go. He waited. Maybe Sherlock was right, and John needed them here. 

"No, I actually want to be alone." John sighed. "I haven't slept properly apart from being drugged here and I need sleep."

That settled it, then. Jim stood and took Sherlock's hand. "We need sleep too, remember? We'll be back tomorrow"

Sherlock nodded, and looked at John again. "See you tomorrow, then?", he said, unsure.

"I'll be here." John shrugged awkwardly.

"We'll come after school", Jim said, walking to the door. "Call us if you...need anything."

I'll be fine. I'll see you both tomorrow."

Sherlock didn’t speak much after that, but Jim hadn’t been expecting him to. They made a quick visit to his mother. It went surprisingly good. Seeing Jim with Sherlock seemed to calm her. And Sherlock seemed to like her too, and guessed the words she couldn’t remember. By the time they went back to Sherlock’s house, Sherlock was almost falling asleep on Jim's shoulder.

Once at home, he thought about going directly to bed, but he hadn't eaten anything today, and Sherlock probably hadn't, either.

"Did you eat lunch today?", he asked, closing the door behind them.

"Yes. Molly made me", Sherlock answered tiredly.

"Alright. Let's go to bed, then"

"Jim? Did you eat today?"

"No",

"Let's have dinner, then. A sandwich, or something like that"

Jim nodded, surprised that Sherlock had suggested it. "Go upstairs, and get changed. Go to my room. I'll prepare something."

Sherlock nodded, and went upstairs. Like always, cooking calmed Jim a bit. He was still worried, but the doctor had sounded confident that John would recover.

When Jim went upstairs with the two sandwiches, Sherlock was in his bed. Asleep. Jim ate one of them and left the other one on the table. Then he put on his pyjamas and went to the bed with Sherlock.

Jim was really tired, but he couldn't sleep. He felt...guilty about what had happened to John. And Sherlock was having a nightmare, between his arms, and he didn't know what to do. Holding him didn't seem to help.

He is having nightmares. I don't know what to do-Jim

It was stupid, it was a weakness. And...John probably wouldn't see it until the morning. It was three in the morning, he would be asleep. But Jim sent the text anyway.

Talk to him. It doesn't matter what it's about. If that doesn't work, wake him up and hold him until he calms down. - John

What was John doing awake?

I told you I didn't know how to do this. And you should be sleeping-Jim

"Sherlock? John said I have to talk to you. I... don't know what to tell you. This is so...difficult. I hope he’ll be back soon, I don't know how to do this without him. I will break you, you know? And I don't want to do that. You are important, and I don't  
want to ruin this. He is safe, and it would be alright....", Jim started, talking without thinking about what he was saying, and hoping it would work.

 

Jim kept talking, and finally it seemed to work. When Sherlock was sleeping peacefully, he checked his phone again.

Sleeping means nightmares. I'm good without those for another while. You'll be fine. He'll settle down. - John. 

"You were right. He is calm now." He paused for a second, and added another line. "Can't sleep either. Jim"

Good, good. Told you it would work. Why's that? - John

Same reason as you, and I would wake him up-Jim

At least we have each other. - John

Jim read the text, surprised. "I still have no idea of what I'm doing here-Jim". He read it, and deleted it. "We take care of each other. That's what friends do-Jim"  
Better. He sent it.

You're dead right. Thank you for today. If you hadn't made me, I would have gone about as normal.- John

If he hadn't taken John to a hospital, he would probably had lost much more blood. He would have waited until the last minute to say something, and...no. Thinking like that wasn't helpful.

You would have done the same for me. Do you know that Sherlock made me have dinner today?-Jim

I would have. Well, damn. He ate at lunch then? – John

Yes, he said Molly made him-Jim

He sent it, smiling at the image of Molly making Sherlock eat.

Good on her. You have good friends. -John

Better than I deserve - 

No, he couldn't send that. He deleted it, thinking.

I know.And I have you, and Sherlock -Jim

That you do. -John

He told me about you, last night. About how you met- Jim.

Oh. What else did he say? - John

That you stayed with him since the second day, and you had never spent a night apart until you fought because of what happened with me.-Jim

Oh. Yeah, true. Now it's far more often we spend nights apart. -John

A total of three. That one, Saturday, when he stayed with me, and yesterday. Four, if you count this one. He needs you. Half of the time I don't know what I'm doing-Jim

You're doing a good job. I need you both and he needs us both. Teamwork. -John

I've never been good at teamwork. And...I need both of you too. I watched that video a million times on Sunday night -Jim

That's pretty adorable, Jim. I've been watching it for the past three hours. -John

We look so happy, and relaxed. I don't remember ever feeling that way before -Jim

Adorable? Maybe he was talking too much to John. And he was so tired.

Only Sherlock makes me like that. Otherwise..- John

It was easier to talk this way than when John was in the room. Strange.

He asked me to stop hiding - Jim

Did you agree? -John

Partially. I told him I needed time for that-Jim

That's good. I'm proud. - John

Jim read the text, and then he read it again. He had no idea of how to answer to that.

I'm going to try to sleep, I have to be at school in four hours- Jim

He was avoiding talking, and he knew it. But...he had open enough for one night

All right. Feel free to text me through out the day. I have nothing to do. – John

Nothing to do? Oh, I have to remember to take you your History book tomorrow-Jim

Thank you! I'll probably die of boredom in the next few hours. Now go to sleep. – John

Maybe I shouldn't. I'd wake him up-Jim

By falling asleep next to him? Please, he won't wake for another while. – John

Yes, I would probably wake him up. Can't help it-Jim

There's only 2 and a half hours until you need to wake up for school. Try. You'll need it. – John

I'll be fine. He needs it more-Jim

It was the third night in a row. He'll definitely have to sleep tomorrow.

If you say so. I'll probably sleep when I know you've made it to school in one piece. - John

I'll text you to make you know. We'll visit after school-Jim

Thanks, much appreciated. Mind bringing me my notes from classes? - John 

 

No problem. I'll ask Seb and Molly -Jim

He was so tired. And it was warm and comfortable besides Sherlock. Surely nothing would happen if he closed his eyes just for a moment.

 

He was asleep in minutes. His dreams were confusing memories of pain and fear, until a new image appeared. John, pale and still, and not breathing. And Sherlock, looking at him with hate and blaming him. Because it was his fault, of course. It went on and on, but he was too exhausted to wake up. 

Something woke him up. The alarm of his phone. And somebody was between his arms.

"Jim", Sherlock muttered, moving closer.

"You got it right this time. Impressive", Jim answered, kissing him softly. It was so good to wake up besides him. 

"Oh, shut up", Sherlock replied with a smile.

It felt almost like a routine, after that. Jim thought that he could get used to it. He helped Sherlock with his bandages, and had a shower and got dressed. This time, like yesterday, he left the top button opened, and was easier. They ate breakfast together. Sherlock kissed him at every chance he had. And Jim gave him plenty of chances. In fact, they were almost late to school.

Sherlock kissed him again in the car, and, like he had done the day before, he closed Jim’s shirt. “I don’t want to go”, Sherlock whispered, hugging him.

Jim didn’t want to, either. But he knew Sherlock needed the routine. He took Sherlock’s hand, and got out of the car.


	71. Chapter 71

Jim remembered that he had promised to text John. He took his phone, thinking about what to say.

"Safe at school. Rest. See you later -Jim"

"Fantastic. See you both then.- John"

“John’s fine”, Jim told Sherlock, showing him the text. Sherlock looked at him, and nodded. Then he took Jim’s hand.

Jim stared at their hands for a second, before smiling at Sherlock. This felt so strange. And nice. They were just holding hands. He hadn’t thought it would make him feel this good. 

They walked to the entrance, and Jim ignored the whispers around them and the way people were looking at them. He glanced at Sherlock, who was staring at the ground, and held his hand firmly, walking towards Seb and Molly, who were waiting for them outside school.

"Everybody is saying that you killed John to steal his boyfriend", said Seb, looking at them.

"No, it's not that. I heard that you and John fought over Sherlock, and you sent him to the hospital" Molly replied. "So...what happened? And how is John?"

Sherlock kept looking down, and Jim squeezed his hand. "John had an accident at home. I took him to the hospital. He'll be fine". It was true. Not the whole truth, but he hadn’t lied. 

They talked for a while. When Seb and Sherlock left for his class, Jim thanked Molly for having taken care of Sherlock.

Everybody avoided looking at him, but he was getting used to it by now. After his first class, he decided to text John again. 

"Apparently I've killed you. Or we fought to death, depending on who you listen to-Jim"

"I do love gossip. Never ceases to amuse me. -John"

The answer made him smile. He had Maths with Sherlock, and working with him was as fascinating as always, and it seemed to distract Sherlock for a while. 

After the last class of the morning, he went to the cafeteria and sat alone. Seb and Molly needed some time for them, and will arrive later, and Jim didn’t feel like talking to anybody else right now. 

When he entered the room, Sherlock was paler than before, and walked straight to him. Jim was about to say something, when Sherlock kissed him.

He hadn’t been expecting it. The kiss was desperate, at first. Jim kissed him back, and, slowly, turned the kiss into a soft and tender one. When he moved away, they both were smiling, and everybody was staring at them. Jim ignored them. 

"That was...good", Jim whispered.

Sherlock smiled happy.

Jim went for his food, taking something for Sherlock too. When he came back, Seb and Molly were sitting with Sherlock, and Sherlock was blushing at something Molly had said. 

Jim sat down, still smiling. "Have you texted John today?", he asked, putting the food and a pill in front of him.

Sherlock nodded, and showed him the texts.

"I love you. School is boring-SH"

"I love you too. Hospitals are super boring. - John"

Jim smiled, and began to eat. After about ten minutes, he looked at Sherlock. He hadn’t eaten at all, and had spent the whole time playing with his food. 

"Sherlock. Eat", he said softly.

Sherlock nodded, and started to eat, and Molly giggled.

"I told you they were cute, Seb"

Sebastian smiled, and kept eating in silence.

"Hey, do you think we could visit John at the hospital?", Molly asked.

Jim and Sherlock looked at Molly and then at each other. "We'll ask him today", Jim replied.

School was boring. Jim spent his last classes staring at the teachers and thinking about what he was going to tell John, and how Sherlock would react to his mother, and her to Sherlock. And about how he could make Sherlock feel better.

He met Sherlock outside, and, as he had done before, Sherlock took his hand and lead him to the car. Once in the car Sherlock kissed again. It still amazed him that Sherlock did it.

When they pulled away, Sherlock rested his head on Jim’s shoulder. "We could buy something for John"

"Yes, that's a good idea. What would he like?'

"Chocolate?"

Jim smiled, and kissed the top of his head. Chocolate was what Sherlock liked. But maybe that way Sherlock would eat. "Chocolate it is".

They stopped on their way to buy some chocolate for John, and again at Jim's house.

“I’m going to call John to tell him that we’re on our way. I’ll go inside in a minute”

Jim nodded, and walked inside. His mother was sitting on the couch. That was usually a good sigh. Jim smiled, and walked to her. “Mum? How are you feeling?”

Maybe he had moved too fast. Or there was something in his voice, or the way he walked. His mother looked at him, and Jim could see her flinch when he got to close. “Mum?”, he tried again, walking slower.

“J....James....no.....no, p....please”

Jim paled. “Mum, it’s me, Jim”, he tried once more. But his mother was screaming, terrified. The nurse came running, and Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to cry. And then somebody hugged him tightly. Sherlock. Jim opened his eyes, and Sherlock kissed him. Somehow, it seemed to calm her mother. 

“Jim?”

Jim almost sobbed in relief. Sherlock didn’t seem to want to let him go, and he felt safe between his arms. “Mum. This is Sherlock. I....I’m staying with him a few days”

His mother smiled at them, and things were good after that. His mother talked to Sherlock. And it was fascinating to see. When he couldn’t remember a word, Sherlock tried to guess it, and, after a few trials, he got it right almost always. After a while, Jim relaxed. Between his mother acting almost normal, and Sherlock touching him almost constantly, he relaxed. Still, when they left for the hospital, Jim was emotionally exhausted.

"You shouldn't have seen that", Jim muttered. 

Sherlock kissed him. "It's fine. She seems to like me"

"Yes", Jim muttered.

They stayed silent, holding hands, until they reached the hospital. When the car stopped, Sherlock almost ran out of the car. 

"Sherlock, calm down", Jim said with a smile, taking Sherlock's hand just in time to stop him from running into the hospital.

Sherlock blushed, and nodded. "I...want to see him"

"You forgot the chocolate"

Sherlock laughed, nervous, and went back to the car to get it.

Together, and holding hands again, they walked inside.


	72. Chapter 72

Jim noticed Sherlock growing nervous as they approached John’s room. He was too, but didn’t let it show. He opened the door, and looked at John. He looked so small and fragile in that bed.

"Hello", John said, smiling at them. But Jim could see how forced the smile was. He looked at Sherlock, who seemed to be about too run to the bed. Remembering what had happened the day before, Jim put a hand in his shoulder.

"Hi, John. Sherlock brought you a present"

He rose eyebrows. "Oh? What is it?" he asked.

Jim let Sherlock go, and stayed at the door as Sherlock walked to the bed. "You look better", Sherlock told John, giving him the bag. He sat besides the bed, looking nervous.

"I bet." John snorted.

"You have some colour in your cheeks, and your eyes are not...so empty", Sherlock muttered.

"How was school?" John asked, changing the subject.

"Boring. Jim brought you some notes", Sherlock replied, looking at Jim. "I brought you chocolate", he said with a smile.

"Oh, thanks." He managed another smile. "Did I miss anything?"

Jim did say anything, and observed. Something was slightly off in John's body language.

"Molly and Seb ate with us. They want to come and visit", Sherlock replied.

 

"Maybe." John replied, tense. “Come in and sit”, he added, looking at Jim.

“I though.....you two could want to be alone”, Jim replied, sitting at the other side of John’s bed.

John sighed. “Sherlock? What do Seb and Molly know?”

"Jim told them you've had and accident at home. And...not now, but when you feel better...well, they are nice"

"And people at school think I'm dead?"

"Well...most seem to think that Jim and you had a fight. Nobody talked to me, apart from Jim, Molly and Seb, but I listened some conversations"

"Idiots." Jim muttered.

"No, it's fine. I'm used to it", Sherlock replied, looking at John. Slowly, he extended a hand towards him, but stopped before touching John and looked away nervously.

John kept his arms dutifully under the sheets, growing anxious.

"Sherlock, I left a book in the car. History, the one I brought for John. Can you bring it here?" Jim asked, before any of them said or did something stupid. 

Sherlock looked at John and didn’t move.

"Sherlock", Jim said firmly.

"Okay", he said, standing up and walking to the door slowly.

John stayed silent, fingering at the elastic band on his wrist nervously. 

"Thank you. For...being there, last night", Jim said, looking at John.

"No problem. You'd do the same for me."

"Yes", Jim replied. He didn't have much time, Sherlock would be back soon, so...he'd ask directly. "Why are you lying to him?"

"If I don't, he'll worry himself sick." 

"It's a bit late to avoid that. The time we spent here yesterday, waiting for you to wake up..." No, why had he talked about that?

"Tell me." John asked quietly, watching him.

"I waited for hours. Waited and waited, and nobody told me anything. Finally somebody came and told me how you were, and I told Sherlock to come. We...just sat here, in silence, holding your hands. I don't know for how long. You...you were so pale. You looked...as if you wouldn't wake up." Jim closed his eyes for a second. "He needs you"

"I-I didn't know..." 

"You didn't know what? That we'd worry about you?" Jim said, opening his eyes and putting his hand close to John's without touching it. "I...I need you too", he whispered, looking away.

"I'm no use to you though." 

"You don't get it", Jim muttered without looking at him. " All these...emotions. And this...thing with Sherlock. It's terrifying. I...half of the time i have no idea of what I'm doing, and the other half i'm tempted to say or do something that hurts him so he stops being like that with me. It's..." He took a deep breath. "I can't do this without you. And the idea of going back...I can't do that, either. You...you don't understand. I've never talked about what my father did. Never. With anybody. But you...you understand. Yesterday...there was...so much blood...", he finished, almost in a whisper.

 

John cringed at the last sentence. "They said I lost a lot, but I.. I didn't think it was that much.." He whispered. "I-I'm not going anywhere. I can't leave either of you. I need you both." He looked down at his hands pulling back the elastic a bit but stopping before he released it. "I need you to look after Sherlock while I try and deal with this, Jim. I can't be any good to either of you right now."

 

"You helped, last night", Jim answered. "I didn't know what to do. I...I'm trying", Jim replied, looking at him. 

Sherlock come back in that moment, looking angry. Without saying anything, he took Jim's bag from the floor and opened it, taking the History book and handing it to Jim. "Don't lie to me. You promised. If you wanted to speak with John, you just had to say it", he said coldly, walking out of the room.

Jim looked at him, not knowing what to do

John sighed.. "Go after him. Apologize. "

Jim wasn't sure of how to do this. He walked after Sherlock, who hadn't gone too far. In fact, he was just outside the room. 

"Sherlock, I..."

"You what? I promised I'd do everything you asked me to. You only had to ask. And....and...you LIE to me. Maybe I can't notice when you are lying, but....you promised. You ask for total trust, and you give me NOTHING!"

"I...I'm sorry", Jim muttered. He was used to this. Lying was how he had always reacted. It was almost an instinct now.

Sherlock stared at Jim for a minute without talking, and went back to John's room, closing the door behind him.

Jim stared at the door. He didn't dare to go inside. Nothing, Sherlock had said. He had tried, as hard as he could. He couldn't do it any better. And clearly it wasn't enough. Maybe they were right, and he was too broken to have a relationship. Slowly, he started to walk away, fighting the tears. 

When he reached the entrance of the building, he stopped, not sure of where to go. 

"Jim"

Jim stopped, and turned around. Sherlock. He had come after him. Jim blinked, trying desperately not to cry. Sherlock looked at him silently, and then, he hugged him. "I love you. I shouldn't have said that", he whispered.

"It's true", Jim replied, trying to control himself

Sherlock kissed him softly. "Let's go back, John would be worried"

Jim nodded without saying anything, and followed Sherlock inside. 

 

John watched them walk back in. He reached for some tissues next to his bed and handed them to Jim silently. Jim took one, and sat on the chair where he had been before, hating the way his emotions were visible in his body. There was no way he could do this. There was nothing else he could give Sherlock. He tried pushing his feelings to the deepest part of his mind. It didn't work, but it helped. He needed....a distraction. "I brought you some notes", he said, searching in his bag.

"Oh, thanks. Great." He nodded but then sighed. "You two need to talk. You're going home together when you leave. Work it out now." He said, taking the notes.

"I...shouldn't have said that", said Sherlock softly.

"You were right"

"No, I...I didn't mean it like that"

"Sherlock...you did. And you were right. I don't trust you totally. I can't. I would never be able to give you that"

"I...I don't..."

"It's alright, Sherlock. I know how i am"

 

"You said you would try to stop hiding" Said Sherlock after a minute."You are hiding now. Talk to me, Jim"

Jim closed his eyes, and tried to calm down. "This is me trying. This is the best I...the b...best I can do. And you...you said it's n...nothing. I can't...give you anything else"

"I...didn't mean it", Sherlock repeated, not knowing what else he could say.

"You did. I...I'm not...like John. I can't...give you that"

"Jim..."

Jim didn't answer, too focused on trying not to panic. Because it was true, he had known it since the beginning. He could never have a normal relationship. Right now the only thing that was keeping him in this room was that he had promised John to take care of Sherlock.

 

"Both of you stop. Jim, deep breaths. Full breaths. Calm down." John put down the notes, unable to let them continue like this. "Now, Jim, your best is enough. Stop panicking. You are giving your all and that is all you can do. You think I'm fully honest and able to give everything? I avoid questions with other things and I lie more than either of you realize." he shook his head. "None of us here are perfect. So don't put a pressure on yourselves that nobody else is forcing."

 

"I know h...how to do it", Jim said, breathing slowly. He met Sherlock’s gaze. Sherlock looked...terrified. 

"This is what you wanted to see, Sherlock? B...because this is how i am, without hiding". He took another deep breath, and let all his emotions show on his face.

Sherlock stared at him. "No, I..." He stood up and walked close to Jim. Then, moving slowly, he hugged him. "I'm sorry, alright? You...you give me a lot. I'm selfish, and I was worried about John. I shouldn't have said that", he said, kissing his head.

It felt good, being between Sherlock's arms. Slowly, he relaxed. Sherlock didn't move, and kept holding him. "It's...alright. We...we should study."

"You are an idiot", said Sherlock, moving away just enough to kiss him. Jim couldn't help a smile.

"Now you can study", Sherlock added, opening his own bag.


	73. Chapter 73

"Jim? Would you mind asking a nurse to bring me a blanket? This sheet is awful."

Jim nodded, and left the room, looking for a nurse. He took his time, thinking about what had happened. He was confused. Was this what Sherlock wanted? He felt ashamed, having lost control like that. And he knew he couldn't be like that for a long time. It hurt too much. He needed his masks and his lies. He was nothing without them.

When he came back, he felt more in control. He entered the room, and found John and Sherlock in silence. He put the blanket carefully over John's body, and sat on his chair. "Hey. What's wrong?", he asked, worried

"Nothing", Sherlock muttered, staring at the floor.

"Thanks for the blanket."

Jim looked from one to the other. Finally he decided not to do anything. It was confusing enough. He took a book and started to study.

They studied in a tense silence until the nurse came in and asked Sherlock and Jim to leave in order to check John’s stitches. Jim put the book on the chair, and followed Sherlock outside.

Sherlock looked at Jim, unsure. "Are we...all right?"

"Yes, Sherlock. I told you, I need time. Now will you tell me what's wrong?"

"I...I didn't notice something was wrong with John. He...didn't even look at me at school"

"He kissed you yesterday"

"Yes, but..."

"He needs time, too", Jim replied. He took Sherlock’s hand, because right now he looked really scared. “Hey, did something happen while I was out of the room?”

“...”

“Sherlock....”

“I don’t want to talk about it”

Jim sighed, and didn’t say anything. He had no idea of what to say.

When the nurse left, they went back into the room. John looked tired, and Jim just sat down ant took his book again. Every now and then, he glanced to them, to make sure they were okay.

He saw Sherlock almost taking John’s hand, and stopping before touching him.

"Sorry", Sherlock whispered, looking away and taking a book,

"Oh. It's fine." John mumbled, frowning slightly.

Jim hadn't said anything, hoping that they calmed down. He didn't like to talk about emotions. But after seeing Sherlock too scared of doing something wrong to ask, and John staring at the same place for ten minutes, he decided to do something. Sherlock had refused to tell him, but maybe John would.

"What's wrong, John?"

John shrugged absently. "Just thinking. Nothing wrong, really."

 

"It has to be a fascinating thing you are thinking about. You've been looking at that page for ten minutes"

"Leave it alone, Jim." John mumbled, running his finger along the edge of the page. "It's not important."

"Alright. If you change your mind and want to talk...well, it was you who told me it helped"

"Don't want to talk about this." He sighed, but nodded. "Thanks anyway."

Jim nodded, and went back to his book.

“John? I’ll come later tomorrow”, Sherlock whispered after a while.

John cursed under his breath. "Doctor visit?" He asked, pulling a face.

"Yes, it's been two weeks", Sherlock answered.

"I'm sorry I can't go with you."

Jim didn’t say anything, trying not to think about how Sherlock wanted John to go with him and not Jim, and the fact that Jim was only going because John couldn’t. But he didn’t say anything, and kept pretending to study.

 

"I know. Just...focus on getting better", Sherlock said, automatically extending a hand to John and moving it away before touching John, Again. Jim glanced at John’s face. He looked confused and a bit hurt.

Jim closed his book, sighting. "Sherlock, just ask him. Nobody would get angry for that."

"No, it's...it's okay”

"What is it?" John asked, biting his lip.

"Can I...take your hand?", Sherlock asked, unsure.

John swallowed thickly. "Maybe...tomorrow, when you come from the doctor."

Sherlock nodded. "What if...you tell me when it's okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah that works."

"Right. Now can we study? We have a test tomorrow", said Jim smiling. It was a bit forced, but it would do.

John snorted. "You two do. I can do what I want."

"Oh, no. I didn't spent all that time collecting notes from all your clases so you didn't study them" Jim replied, still smiling. It was less forced this time.

He snorted again. "Fine."

"Oh, it's not so bad. You won't be asked about it tomorrow", Jim teased.

"But I'll get a copy of the exam to be marked on." John pointed out, even more dramatically.

Sherlock looked at them, relaxing a bit. "It's not so bad. We have chocolate"

John grinned. "Chocolate makes it better."

Smiling, Sherlock opened the chocolate and put it close to John., who snapped off a small piece and began to nibble at it as he studied.

The silence wasn’t so tense this time, and Jim managed to actually study. When he finished what he had to do that day, he looked.at his watch. They would have to leave soon. He closed his book, and put it in the bag. "Molly wants to visit you. What do I tell her?"

John sighed. "Tell her she can visit when ever she wants. I don't mind."

Jim nodded. "I told her you'd had an accident. Nothing else. And she won't ask"

"Does the school know what happened?"

"The students believe that I've killed you, remember?", said Jim with a smile.

John snorted. "Oh God."

Sherlock smiled. "I heard that you two fought to death"

John laughed, shaking his head. "How creative."

"Well, given that I'm...what was it...mafia leader? No....terrorist? Oh, something like that...me killing you makes more sense", Jim added.

John giggled despite himself. "Cause killing me always makes sense when your Jim Moriarty, scary seventeen year old extraordinaire."

"Well, that's what most people think", Jim said with a smile. "I am dangerous, haven't you heard?"

"Oh yes. Terrifying." John nodded serious before giggling again.

"Anything we can bring tomorrow? Sherlock will insist on chocolate, but...apart from that?"

"No, I think I should be fine."

"Then we should go"

Sherlock closed his book and started to put all his things in his bag. "Jim? Are you....going with me to the doctor tomorrow?"

"It's a bit late to say that I hate hospitals, isn't it? Of course, Sherlock" Just because John couldn’t. No, no, Sherlock had asked. He looked at John. "We'll come later tomorrow. I could tell Molly to come, if you want"

"That would be nice."

"Jim? Can't we...stay for the night?"

"We have a test tomorrow, and you have to rest. And...you aren't sleeping in a chair, not until you are fully recovered"

"But..."

"Let's go, Sherlock"

Sherlock bit his lip, and looked from one to the other. Finally he nodded. "See you tomorrow, then", he said, looking at John

"I'll see you." He smiled at them awkwardly.

Sherlock looked at the small figure in the bed. "Can't you stay with him?"

Jim hesitated. He could. But he had promised John to take care of Sherlock. "John?"

"Both of you need rest. And you have tests. You should both go." He said quietly, awkward.

Jim nodded. "See you tomorrow then", he said, opening the door.

Sherlock left after Jim, with a last glance to John.


	74. Chapter 74

They walked silently to the car. Jim was still thinking about Sherlock's words, and regretting the way he had lost control. But Sherlock looked so worried...Once in the car, he took his hand. "He will be okay, remember?"

Sherlock nodded, and kept looking out of the window in the direction of the hospital.

 

Sherlock spent the whole time in silence, and it made Jim a bit nervous. But he didn’t let go of his hand, so...that was a good sign. Hopefully. He didn’t break the silence, not wanting to pressure Sherlock, or to say the wrong thing and end up fighting again.

Once at home, Sherlock looked at him for the first time since they had left the hospital.  
"I've never...thanked you. For what you've done, for...being here".

Jim looked at him, feeling too many emotions to try to hide them behind his mask. Then, unable to talk about it, he kissed Sherlock. It was slow and tender, and it felt almost painful. When he broke the kiss, Sherlock was looking at him as if he had never seen him before. 

Feeling out of his depth, Jim took his hand and lead him to the kitchen. 

"It's about time you learn how to cook, don't you think?"

Sherlock smiled. "You sure? I’m not good at it"

"After what I've seen you doing at the lab, I can't believe you are not good at cooking. And it's... fun. Come, I'll teach you."

They had eaten at the school. Jim tried to think about something easy. Biscuits. It was easy, and they could take some to John. He told Sherlock, hoping it would distract him. It worked for a while, and Sherlock was good at weighting and meassuring the ingredients. It was a bit like working at the lab, and Sherlock did it right as long as he had precise instructions. But he was too silent for Jim’s liking.

Once the biscuits were in the oven, he made dinner for both of them, mixing the remains he found in the fridge with some cheese and heating it. 

Sherlock looked at him seriously, and ignored the food in front of him.

"You...can help John. Better than I"

Jim sighted. He really didn't want to have this conversation. "Because I...understand. I know what helped me, and I can give him those things"

Sherlock stared at him. "What things?", he asked suspiciously.

"Time. Distractions. Something to focus his mind on". He paused for a minute. What had really helped him? "Friendship".

"I...can give him that, too"

"Sherlock, you want to touch him. I know you can't help it, but...you have to be careful with that"

Sherlock looked down, and tensed.

Jim stood up and hugged him. "It's alright. I told you, there's nothing wrong in wanting it. Just...don't act on it. At least for a while"

Sherlock nodded, looking miserable.

Jim kissed his head. "Eat your dinner, Sherlock. You could...text him. That would help, I'm sure"

Sherlock nodded again, and finished his food.

"We made biscuits. I'll take you some tomorrow. I miss you-SH"

"Sounds lovely. I can't wait. I miss you too. - John"

Jim smiled when Sherlock showed him the texts. “See? He’s fine”, he replied, relieved when Sherlock smiled too. 

They were both exhausted, and headed to the room after having finished the dinner. To Jim's room. Sherlock didn't even looked at the door of his own room. 

Jim was a bit nervous, but Sherlock acted as if everything was normal. Maybe it was, for him. Jim helped him to get changed so he didn’t have to move too much. He suspected that Sherlock could do it alone by now, but he liked doing this. Even if it was just because John couldn’t. 

Once Sherlock was in the bed, Jim hesitated. He turned off the lights, and then, for the first time..well...ever.....Jim took off his clothes voluntarily with somebody else in the room. Even in the darkness of the room it was...difficult. But he had promised to stop hiding. He sighed, and left the top button open again. 

They didn't talk. It had been a long day. Jim wrapped his arms around Sherlock, holding him, and watched him falling asleep. He was tired, but didn't want to wake him up. He lost track of time, as Sherlock slept peacefully between his arms. Finally, exhausted, he closed his eyes and fell asleep too.

The dreams came back, of course. Only...there was a warm body close to him, and heard a voice he trusted telling him he was safe, and the images in his mind stopped scaring him. 

Jim woke up feeling rested, warm and comfortable. Definitely he could get used to this. Sherlock was close to him, totally relaxed. Jim waited until it was time to get up, and woke him with a kiss.

Sherlock opened his eyes, and looked at him, happy, moving even closer. Then, with a smile, he kissed the scarred skin visible under Jim's neck.

Jim tensed at first, but the contact was so soft and tender that he relaxed. It was...amazing.

“You…don’t mind the….” Jim started, unsure.

“Jim? Shut up”, Sherlock muttered, kissing the same spot again. 

Jim didn’t say anything, partially because hearing Sherlock telling him that had left him speechless, and partially because he liked seeing him this confident. 

After a while, Jim opened another button, and Sherlock kissed the skin there, too. It made Jim feel exposed and vulnerable, but at the same time it felt amazing. Finally, needing to do something in order to feel in control again, he started to kiss Sherlock everywhere he could. He explored Sherlock’s skin, finding out what he liked most, and how he reacted at the different kind of kissing. It was fascinating, and Sherlock let him do whatever he wanted. 

 

They were late for school. It was unusual for Jim to be late. But it was also unusual to feel better at home than at school. Sherlock looked a bit happier today, which was a good thing. And he spent the whole trip to school kissing him. 

They went to their classes at usual, and, at lunch, they sat with Molly and Seb. Jim saw Molly observing Sherlock's neck, and noticed a red mark there. He hadn't realised he had left him any marks. Then Molly whispered something in Sherlock's ear, and he blushed.

"John said you can visit him today", he told Molly, as he wrote down the number of the room. "Sherlock has to go to the doctor, so we'll be late. You could go after school"

Molly nodded, and took the note. Good. Jim didn’t want John to be alone too much time. 

He gave Sherlock his painkillers, and they ate silently. His next class was with Molly, so they left Sherlock in his classroom, and walked together towards theirs.

“Sherlock’s birthday is on Saturday”, he told Molly. “I was thinking that we could do something”

Molly smiled at him. “Of course. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. But....we have to visit John, too. So something there, I have to ask for permission. If John is better, of course. Can you ask Seb? I know he works in the morning, but he could come later”

She nodded. “Yes, it will be fun. Sherlock will like it”

They had to organize something. Sherlock needed the distraction. And, to be honest, so did he. 

After school, he went with Sherlock to the doctor. Sherlock was miserable all the time, and only replied to the doctor with either yes or no. They checked everything. The ribs were almost healed, and Sherlock didn’t need the bandage any more. Not even that made Sherlock smile. Kissing him would work, but Jim couldn’t do that right now, so he took his hand instead. 

“Sherlock? This is good news”, he said softly, as they walked to John’s room.

Sherlock nodded. “I know. I just...miss him”, he whispered. 

 

Jim took Sherlock's hand to his lips. "Let's go, John would want to know how this went"

Sherlock nodded, and followed him.

There was a different policeman at John's door. One that made Jim feel safe, even after all this time. Charlie Lestrade. The man who had found him, the man who had rescued him. Charlie smiled at him, and Jim smiled back. Then he started to ask how he was, and Jim found himself answering. Not everything, of course. But he didn't lie.

Sherlock looked at Jim, surprised.

"Sherlock? This is the man who found me, when..." He stopped. Talking about that was still difficult.

Sherlock nodded in understanding.

Jim let Sherlock get into the room first, as he said goodbye to Greg's father. And suddenly he heard a noise. Sherlock had dropped his bag and the biscuits, and left the room, almost running, without looking at him. "Sherlock? What...?", he asked confused. He entered the room, hoping that John could explain what had happened. 

John wasn't alone. Greg was with him, and they were...holding hands. Jim looked at them, not getting what was going on here. 

Greg hid a smirk between a look of confusion and sadness. "Oh no.."

John cursed and ripped his hand from Greg's grip. "Jim please go check on him," he pleaded, near tears.

Jim noticed Greg's expression, and clenched his fists. Bastard. He didn't even care about John, he was doing this to hurt Jim. He took a deep breath. "I'll bring him back. I can always find him, remember?", he said to John, leaving the room.

"What a pity.. Sherlock will be so upset.", Jim heard Greg saying as he left. But he didn’t have time for that now. He had to find Sherlock. 

He went to the entrance. The car was still there, so Sherlock hadn't left the building. Good. He could look for him. But he didn't want to leave John alone with Greg for a long time. He couldn't waste time searching. He called him, but Sherlock didn't answer.

"Answer the phone-Jim"

He called again. Sherlock didn't answer.

"You promised to do what I told you. After this morning, you can't deny that I keep my part of the deal. Answer the phone -Jim"

He called again.

"J....Jim?"

Sherlock was crying. No, worse than that. He sounded...empty again. "Where are you?"

"T...the bathroom of John's floor"

"Don't move. Don't do anything stupid. I'm on my way"

Jim went to the bathroom, and knocked. "Come out, Sherlock"

Sherlock opened the door and got out, slowly. He didn't look at Jim.

What was he supposed to do now? He observed Sherlock carefully. "Wash your face"

Jim observed as Sherlock erased the rests of tears from his face. Wait. He had done this before. With John.

"Sherlock, look at me"

When Sherlock looked at him, his eyes were empty. And he looked....scared. Ashamed. Jim hugged him tightly, and then pressed his lips against Sherlock’s.

"It's okay, Sherlock. We'll find a way to solve this", Jim whispered. 

He hugged Sherlock until he felt his body relax. Then moved away, keeping a hand on his shoulder.  
"Show me", he said softly, keeping the contact.

Without looking at him, Sherlock rolled up his sleeve. Jim looked at the marks. Made with Sherlock’s nails, superficial and wouldn’t leave a permanent mark. Then he looked at Sherlock’s face. He was crying again. Jim wiped his tears with his thumb, and then he rolled up his own sleeve.

"If you do it instead of me, I won't tell John."

Sherlock stared at Jim.

"What?"

"We have a deal. The three of us. I think you should tell John, but that's your choice. I won't tell him if you do this"

"I don't think I can", Sherlock whispered. 

"You knew the consequences". And this, he could explain. It wouldn't look so strange, and might even be healed when he had his physical examination. And Sherlock needed this, for the next time he was tempted. He looked at Sherlock. "Do it. Now"

It hurt. But Jim kept looking Sherlock’s expression, and knew it had hurt Sherlock more. When it was done, Jim hugged him again. “Come, let’s go back to John’s room. I’m sure he can explain".


	75. Chapter 75

When they arrived to the door of John’s room, a nurse stopped them from entering. She said John was being sedated and wouldn't wake up for a while.

"Sherlock? We'll wait until he wakes up. We can do that, can we?", he asked the nurse.

She smiled sadly. "Of course. I'll call you"

Jim nodded, and saw Greg at the end of the corridor. He had done something to John. Suddenly, he was angry. Very angry. He managed to keep that hidden, and talked in a very calm voice. "Sherlock? Can you get me some coffee? I want to talk to Greg"

Sherlock looked at Jim. Then he looked at Greg, and squeezed Jim’s hand. "Be careful"

"I'm always careful. Go. Now. And...No, better than that. Wait there. I'll go when I finish", he said, not wanting Sherlock anywhere near Greg. 

"Jim", Sherlock begged. 

Jim just looked at him, and Sherlock nodded. Jim hoped he’d understood. He waited until he couldn’t see Sherlock, and then walked towards Greg. 

"Hello, Greg", he said in a cold and controlled tone. "We should talk"

 

"Hello, Jim." Greg replied, smiling sweetly. "And what might we need to talk about?" He cocked his head innocently. 

"Business, of course", he replied, mirroring his smile. "What else?"

 

Greg's smile broadened. "Let's go for a walk then."

"Yes, I'm tired of this place. Let's go outside", he replied, heading to the stairs. Once outside, he stopped and looked at him. "Stop playing with my toys, Greg. It's annoying"

"God, you sound like a child." Greg snorted, but then grew serious. "You have no ownership over him, now. "

"And you do? Why is that?", he asked, looking him in the eyes.

"Of course I do. I always have, since we were kids." He met Jim's gaze evenly. "Nothing you or Sherlock can do will change what's between me and John. Not even his little.. episode, earlier."

"Episode", he repeated. "You are a _great_ friend. Knowing what had happened, and...what did you do?" He observed him silently. "Touched him? No, you wouldn't dare, not with your father outside the door. What would hurt him enough? Oh, of course. You made him feel weak. You....kissed him. Lovely."

Greg seemed on the verge of giggling. "As much as he denies wanting me, he does. You know it as well as I do."

"It's easy, making somebody want you, isn't it? Show them what they want to see." There were several ways this could end. He decided to try his usual way first. Make a deal. "I want John. Sherlock is more interesting with him around. What do you want in exchange of that?"

Greg laughed, shaking his head in amusement. "Nothing. I want John. Plain and simple."

Jim raised an eyebrow "I'm trying to be...polite. To offer you a deal. Are you really rejecting it?"

"I suppose I am. You can't give me anything or offer me anything. I know what I want."

"Are you sure?" He said, walking a step closer "Are you enjoying your time at home?", he added in a whisper.

His eyes narrowed. "I am, actually. Nice and quiet, with neither parent around."

 

"What do you think would happen if something like this happened again?", Jim added in a lower tone

"Like what?" Greg asked, feigning ignorance and barely hiding his sneer.

"Oh, I don't know. _Episodes_. I love surprises", he replied, smiling coldly. "Sherlock is _mine_. John is _mine_. Stay away from them, or there would be...consequences"

 

"Enlighten me in these.. Consequences." He challenged. "Because that drug bust thing? My dad took it so well." His face transformed into one of sadness and self disappointment. "I got dragged into the wrong crowd outside of school." He returned to his usual smirk quickly.

"Oh, that would be telling. When things get ugly, don't say I didn't offer you a deal", he replied.

"I just hope for your sake that John's stronger than he makes himself seem." Greg smiled innocently. "Because I give it a few more days before I break him."

"it's so easy, breaking people", he said, softly. "It worked really good with Sherlock, didn't it? How long did your deal last? A couple of hours?"

"Oh, I never wanted that deal to continue. It was just a way to get you and John ruffled. It worked." Greg shrugged. 

Jim looked at him in silence for a minute. "You read my file. All of it. I know everything about breaking people. And...what were the words they used to describe me? It was lovely. I'm sure you remember them" His first reports had diagnosed him as a psychopath. Lovely indeed.

"Psychopath, wasn't it?" He cocked his head. "I think that term is being _mildly_ used on you. You're worse than that."

"Oh, I was just a kid. I've learned a lot since then", he replied without looking away, showing no emotions on his face. "You are...interesting. If you don't get on my way, I'll leave you alone. One last warning. Stay away from me, and from...my toys"

 

Greg crowded close to Jim, growing annoyed. "John is not your toy." He spat. "I promise you by the time he leaves this hospital, he won't be with Sherlock anymore." He growled, anger taking over.

Jim laughed. "Why do you care? Oh, wait. You _care_. How sweet. Do you want him back? Really? What for?"

"That's none of your business." He replied. "Besides, that's a stupid question. John never puts up a fight, over anything. Who wouldn't want that." He grinned.

"You really don't know him if you think that", he said with a smile. "Oh, it's sooo sweet. You _are_ in love with him."

"Please. As if I'd be stupid enough to love someone as broken and messed up as him."

"Well, I did a pretty good job two years ago."

"You didn't break him. Not that much."

"I'm bored. I want him. Sherlock is dull without him. Why don't we make a deal? Come on. I want to play with them, and you don't care"

"I don't think so. You don't want to play with them. You _care_ about them."

"Psychopaths don't care, Greg. I'm possessive with my things. If you want to do this the hard way, it will make it funnier"

He clenched his jaw in annoyance. "What will it take for you to let me have John?"

"Didn't you say he was broken and messed up? I want him because he makes Sherlock more interesting. What can you give me better than that?"

"I said I didn't love him for those reasons, not that I didn't want him. What do you want?"

He shrugged. "From you? You have nothing I want. And playing with them is fun. When I get tired of them maybe you can offer something that interest me more"

 

"For god's sake. If you don't just make some sort of bloody deal with me over this, I'll have to do it myself."

"You've just rejected making a deal with me", he reminded him. "Okay. I'm listening. What are your terms?"

"Let me have him and I'll stop getting in your business. I'll stop making Molly uncomfortable and I won't go near Sherlock." 

 

Jim pretended to think about it. Pretended to really consider it. "It's... tempting. But that would make Sherlock _boring_. When he isn't with John the only thing he does is saying how much he misses him. Dull. I want Sherlock, and I need John for that. If you let me have him...I won't get in your way. At all. Nobody will bother you at school. Well, as long as Sherlock and John are interesting enough. How does that sound? Or...is there any other thing I could give you?"

He pursed his lips. "How about.. I join your little 'group', same offer I gave you stands, but we share him?" 

"I'll think about it, and let you know...tomorrow? How does that sound?"

"Fine. I'll probably be here again. My dad's taken over the shifts as a precaution." He rolled his eyes. "See you, Jim." He smiled sweetly as he walked away.

Jim went back inside without looking at Greg again. He had a day to figure out what to do. And…it had been so easy, behaving like before. Maybe it was what he was, maybe everything else was just pretending. 

Sherlock was sitting besides the coffee machine. As soon as he saw Jim, he got up carefully and hugged Jim. And then Jim remembered everything he had just said about Sherlock and John, and fought not to cry. He was a horrible person. 

Sherlock didn’t press him, didn’t ask anything. He just hugged him tightly for a long time, until Jim felt in control again. Then, silently, Sherlock handed him a coffee, and they sat down. 

Neither of them spoke, they had a lot to think about. But Sherlock took his hand. 

Some time after, the nurse came and told them that John was awake now, and they could go and see him.


	76. Chapter 76

John lay curled on his side, under layers of blankets. He stared blankly at the wall next to the door, looking small and vulnerable.

Sherlock looked at John. Then he let Jim’s hand go, and sat on a chair besides John’s bed. "John?", he whispered, not knowing what to say.

Jim sat on the other chair, and didn't say anything. It was up to Sherlock to decide if he explained John what had happened or not. Maybe he shouldn’t, John didn’t look as if he could handle it right now. 

"Yes?" John whispered, voice hoarse from crying.

"I...Love you. No matter what, remember?", Sherlock muttered. 

"I love you too." John whimpered, curling in on himself more.

"You say it as if it where a bad thing", Sherlock replied in the same tone.

John looked at Sherlock sadly. "It's not a bad thing." Tears welled in his eyes again and he pulled the blankets tighter around him, shivering. "Never a bad thing."

"I...I don't...know how to help you", Sherlock whispered, almost crying.

"I don't either." John mumbled, falling silent again. His stare turned blank again as he wrapped his arms around his thin frame. "Am I... Am I just a toy to everyone?" He asked after a long while.

"W...what? What have I done to make you think that?", Sherlock asked, horrified.

"Not you." He sighed. "My parents, my sister, Greg, those… men that did this to me." He shuddered at the thought. "Even the social worker."

Jim didn't say anything. The conversation with Greg had reminded him of how things used to be. It was easier. No need to worry about emotions, or to let anybody close enough to hurt him. But hearing John saying that...he had done that. He had even called him toy. And it had been...easy.

"I would never do that. I love you. If somebody makes you feel like that, that person doesn't love you", Sherlock said, looking at John. "Loving means...wanting the person you love to feel better. You taught me that"

"I know that.. But why.. Why would they do this?" John whispered brokenly. "What did I do?." He closed his eyes. "Why me?"

Jim closed his eyes. "I spent years looking for an answer to that. There isn't one", he muttered. 

"I know." John whispered, wrapping himself up tighter in the blankets.

Sherlock moved his hand towards John, and then stopped and tried to pretend that he hadn’t. "Do you want to...tell me what happened? You look...much worse than yesterday"

"Sherlock. He needs to rest, not to think about that", Jim said, worried. 

John huffed a laugh. "What do you want me to tell you? What happened to put me here, or what happened that they had to sedate me?"

"What happened to make you stop letting me touch you. B...because...even after your father....I mean...last time...kissing was okay. It made you feel better"

"This time is different." John muttered, snapping the elastic band absently. "It was more people. They put me in _hospital_."

"Jim said that you need time", Sherlock replied. "I...I can wait. You know that"

"I do need time." John nodded, his voice a whisper. "I think we all do."

"Okay", Sherlock replied, looking at the floor. "Is there...anything I can do? Do you...want me here?"

"Yes." John said simply. "Only if you want to be."

"I always want to be with you", Sherlock replied, looking at John.

Jim didn't say anything. It would be so easy. Sherlock was his, he had said it himself. And...John had told him that he still had feelings for Greg. It would hurt Sherlock, at first, but...No. What was he thinking?

John nodded, still not looking away from the wall. His phone buzzed and he reached for it, looked at the screen and didn’t say anything. 

"You don't...believe it", Sherlock whispered. "When have I lied to you, or tried to hurt you in any way? John? Can you...at least...look at me?"

John looked at Sherlock, turning his head slightly, staying silent.

"I love you. Since the first day. No matter what. I'll stay with you as long as you want me here. Even if you don't want me to touch you again", Sherlock whispered without looking away.

John blinked slowly, his eyes welling with tears. "Sherlock..." He sighed. "I will want you to touch me again.."

"We...we've been t..through this before", Sherlock said, trying not to cry. "You...when...you want it...you...you ask, okay?"

John nodded, biting his lip. "I-I know. I will."

So much drama. It was exhausting. Jim took his phone, and watched the video again, without sound. Not a choice, not really. John was his friend. And he had to be honest with him. 

"Sherlock? I have to talk with John. It's important, and you won't like it. You can stay, but if you do it you can't say anything, now or later. Your choice."

"It's about...what you talked with G...Greg?"

Jim nodded. John deserved to know what was going on. And he didn't have much time.

"So...will you stay, or wait outside?", he asked. 

Sherlock looked at John, unsure."John? What do you want me to do?"

"It's up to you. I suppose you'll end up finding out either way." He shrugged, rolling onto his back so he could look at both of them. "What is it?"

"Sherlock. You are not going to like this".

"I'll stay as long as John wants me here".

"Fine", Jim said, looking at John. "I know what happened here before. It wasn't so difficult to see. Sherlock would have seen it too if he had been paying attention", he started. He had to make sure that John was okay with Sherlock hearing this. "I went to talk with Greg after...finding Sherlock"

John paled at the implication. ”What happened?" He asked calmly, bracing himself.

"We talked. I offered him a deal and he rejected it. He offered me another one. And before answering I need to know what do you want."

"What did he offer, Jim? I need to know that first."

"He offered to stop bothering, Molly and Sherlock, and me." Jim explained.

"In exchange for?"

"A price I'm not willing to pay", he said without thinking. And then he realised it was true. "He wants...to be part of your life so he can break you."

"Oh.. So.. He get's to be around me and whatnot, in exchange for leaving you, Molly and Sherlock alone?" John asked slowly, frowning. 

"He gets to be around you in order to hurt you and break you. His words, not mine. And...I'm not sure if you get it. If he hurts you, he hurts me. We are friends."

John worried at his lip. "But he'd leave you three alone". he muttered. "I'm not that important Jim." He looked pointedly at Sherlock before looking back at Jim. 

Jim glanced at Sherlock. Then he looked at John again. "No, _you_ don't get it. What do you think that would do to Sherlock? And...to me", he added. "I...trust you. You have no idea of how hard it is. Well, no, you probably know"

"I do know. Look, he can't exactly do much worse to me Jim." He sighed. "Dealt with him most of my life, remember?" He studied Jim for a moment. "There's something else, isn't there?"

"Of course there is. A lot of things. What do you want to know? And don't ask unless you are sure you want to know"

"Just tell me everything."

Jim nodded. "There's something Sherlock has to tell you, but maybe it's not the right time. And...when I talked to Greg, I told him what he expected to hear. And it was...easy. I don't...I don't want to be that person. But sometimes...letting people see you...hurts" he muttered.

"I know it hurts." John sighed. "When you say you told him what he expected to hear...what do you mean?" He asked carefully. 

"I couldn't let him know that I cared about you. So I told him I didn't", he said, honestly.

"Do you think he cares about me at all?" John asked quietly.

Jim thought about it carefully, analyzing the whole conversation. "I don't think so. He wants to hurt you, not to be with you"

"Is it bad that I'd…be okay with it if I thought he cared?" He whispered.

"Are you asking me about morals?", Jim said, surprised. "Well, if you want my opinion...if it makes you feel good and doesn't hurt anybody, then it's good. And if it hurts or makes you feel bad, then it isn't".

John frowned and leaned back against the pillow thoughtfully. "Makes.. sense."

He shrugged. "It works for me. Think about what you want". He glanced at Sherlock again. He was doing what he had told him to do, and hadn't said anything, but looked miserable. "This...thing we three have. It feels good, at least for me. And we don't hurt anybody"

"But everybody else tries to hurt us." John muttered. 

"It's always been like that. At least for me", he replied. "I didn't know that there was...anything else". Greg would probably tell John what Jim had said. And it would hurt him. "Do you trust me, John?"

He frowned. "Well, yeah. Why?"

"Because...Greg will try to break that. I said things...that weren't true, but were...necessary"

"Jim, every lie has a bit of truth.. What did you say, so I'm prepared?"

"What he expected to hear. I couldn't...let him know that I...cared about you. Well, he wouldn't believe that anyway. And I wanted to...keep him away from you." He looked at John. How could he have considered it, even for a second? "I told him....I....I told him that...I was...using you. Remember what I told him when we met, last Saturday? That Sherlock was more interesting with you around? That sort of things"

John nodded. "Okay. Right. I know where he'll come from now." 

Jim sighed. There wasn't anything else he could do. "So...what do you want me to tell him?"

"Tell him you'll accept."

He couldn't do that. "I'll think about it. Don't tell him you know about the deal"

"Course not, though he'll probably tell me." John sighed. "I say accept it.. But it's up to you."

"I'll think about it", he repeated, trying to ignore the horrified look Sherlock gave him.

"Good”, John said firmly.

"You can't", Said Sherlock, unable to remain silent.

"Sherlock. I told you you wouldn't like it"

"But...but you...promised"

"This has nothing to do with you"

"It's John. Of course it has to do with me!"

"John isn't a child. He doesn't need protection"

"You promised!"

"Sherlock. If you can't stay calm wait outside"

Sherlock glared at Jim, angry and left the room without saying anything else.

Jim rubbed his eyes, tired, and not sure if he had done the right thing. "I could have handled that better", he muttered.

"You handled it like you had too. We're all on edge." He assured, calmly. "You did warn him"

"He is...angry with me. Again. I don't..." he stopped. John had enough to worry about. "Sorry. It's just that...it's difficult, when he gets angry"

"I know. He won't stay angry long. God, this is all my fault."

"Your fault?" he asked, looking at him. "How is it your fault?"

"How is it not? I mean, if I wasn't like this Greg would never have changed and you wouldn't have picked me to break and maybe my sister would still give a damn. If I'd missed a few more days of school when Sherlock came here, he wouldn't have gotten sucked into my problems and it would be you two. He wouldn't be constantly hurt by me and neither would you."

This was going to be difficult. "Okay. First, it's not your fault if Greg is an idiot. And...I won't talk for Sherlock, or your sister, but..." He looked at John, wondering if there was another way that didn't involve telling him this. "If I...hadn't _picked you to break.._." He stopped, thinking how much did he have to tell John. "Then it would be me who had broken. That day...when I heard you telling Greg...." He closed his eyes, not wanting to see his reaction. "That morning...was the first time my mother thought I was... _him._ She...was so...scared, and..." No, he didn't want to think about that. "If...I hadn't found something...else...to focus...I would have done something stupid, and would have been sent back to the centre."

"I don't blame you. I don't know what I'd have done in your position." John whispered, looking down at the sheets and scratching at the material.

 

"No. You don't get it", he continued without moving. "This thing we have. You, Sherlock. That's the best thing i've ever had. And it's because of you. Without you, I...would have done what I always did. Play with him, break him. But you...showed me that I could...trust people."

John fell silent for a moment, surprised. "I'm glad I helped." He whispered.

He looked at John silently for a moment. "You really don't see it. It...doesn't work, without you. We need you".

He bit his lip. "It's hard to understand."

 

"He was right the other day. I don't give him...what he needs. I...don't know how, or I can't. I can't even tell him that I l...love him. And he is so...innocent. Without you, I will break him. And he is... I don't know how to call it. Empty? Sometimes I think that if I wasn't there, he'd just...stare at the walls the whole day. You make him laugh. These days, even when he laughs, his eyes are empty"

"He was like that when I first met him, too.. I.. I think I might be breaking him myself. I don't even try to be okay now and it just hurts him."

"He is...worried. And he feels guilty. And jealous. And I have no idea of how to help him"

"Why... Why is he jealous?"

"He saw you with Greg before".

"At least he didn't see what happened after."

"Because he doesn't want to see it. It was pretty obvious. Did you...want it?", he asked in a calm tone.

"No. No I didn't. I was asking him to leave, telling him I didn't want it and he just...did it anyway." John began to tremble. "It physically hurt."

"So...you didn't want it, or enjoy it. You wanted it to stop. It wasn't like kissing Sherlock. It was more like...the other ones. Am I right?"

John nodded weakly. "Yeah." 

"Then I have good news for you", he replied.

"Being?" 

"You don't love him. I'm not an expert, but, if you did, the kiss wouldn't have felt that wrong. Have any of Sherlock's kisses felt like that?"

"Y-yes.", John whispered. 

Yes? Why would Sherlock...Oh. That explained the guilt. "Did he know what he was doing? And...what happened after?"

"He did, but I don't think he meant to. He kept saying sorry. I felt so...horrible afterwards. Like I do now. We didn't talk properly for the day until we sorted it out." 

"Did he do it in order to hurt you?"

"No... I don't think so."

"Okay. Think about this carefully. Did Greg know what he was doing? Did he do it in order to hurt you?"

John wrapped his arms around himself protectively. "I don't know! He was so sure that I wanted him and so certain I wanted to kiss him I just.." He shook his head, fighting tears. "I don't know, Jim."

"Of course you know. But your emotions don't let you see it. Try thinking about what happened as if it hadn't been you and him. If it were two other people. Forget about emotions. Just add what each knows about the other, and the situation. Calm down, think about it that way and answer me".

“I…don’t know”, John said again.

"So he is an idiot. Because, knowing what had happened to you, and knowing your past, kissing you was obviously the worst thing he could do".

"Never stopped him before”, John muttered. 

"If I wanted to break you that's exactly what I would do. Make you feel good for a moment. Give you the feeling of safety. And then take that away from you, in a way that made you remember what they did to you. Like a kiss, and maybe holding you at the same time. And, of course, make sure that Sherlock saw, so it would hurt him and make you feel guilty. And do the same, day after day. Make you feel better, and then take that away from you. I know Greg. That's what he'll do. Do you think you can face that without breaking?"

"N-no." John whispered brokenly, voice cracking. 

"Then don't do it. Stop it. Stop him. He is not...your father. He isn't stronger than you. Don't let him get to you. Do you really need me to stop him? Today, you could have shouted, or called the nurse. Or even Greg's father. You didn't, until it was too late to stop it."

"I would have called if I could have." John said defensively. "It happened so fast.." He snapped the elastic band once.

"He is coming back, tomorrow", Jim stated. "He'll be friendly. Will say that didn't want to hurt you, that he thought the kiss would make you feel better. Will make you relax. Maybe he'll tell you bad things about me, or Sherlock. No. About yourself. Yes, that would hurt you more. He knows you, he knows your fears. So he'll repeat them out loud, pretending to cofort you. And then he'll touch you again. Probably kiss you again. That's what I would do to break you. That's what's going to happen tomorrow. So...what are you going to do about it?"

John clenched his jaw in thought. He frowned. "Charlie?" He called towards the door.

The officer stepped in, eye brows raised. "Yes?"

"Are you here tomorrow?" John asked 

"I am. All day." He assured kindly. "Why?"

"Well... Tomorrow I want to rest and I'd appreciate it if you didn't let anyone in but doctors. At least until Jim and Sherlock come."

"Of course. I'll make sure of it. Not even Greg?" He asked curiously.

"No. The doctors said I need as much rest as I can get, but still some communication in the afternoon."

Charlie nodded. "Well, I'll make sure of it then, John. You just focus on better, son." He smiled at them both before stepping out again, closing the door.

"There.", John said, tired. 

"I knew you were clever", Jim replied with a smile. "I should tell our idiot boyfriend to come back so he can be angry at me here. At least he won't shout with you here. What do you think?"

"You should do that." He nodded. "Ease his woes." He smirked.

 

Jim wanted to say something nice to John. It was...difficult to find the right words."How is it that talking to you always makes me feel better? I was trying to help you. It's a...curious side effect", he said, taking his phone and writing a text to Sherlock.

"Come back-Jim"


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be able to update next week, so next chapter will be Monday 21.

Jim heard Sherlock’s phone from the room. He hadn’t gone too far away. That was a good sign, right? John needed to know, and he wasn’t going to lie to Sherlock. What was he supposed to do?

Sherlock came back almost immediately. He opened the door, looked at them and sat besides John. 

"Hey. You look better", Sherlock said softly.

John smiled weakly. "I feel a bit better, I guess." He offered his hand to Sherlock shakily.

Sherlock moved his hand to touch John's, slowly, to give him the chance to change his mind. And then he stopped, and Instead of taking John's hand, he put his own hand under it, giving John control over the situation. 

John smiled gratefully and slowly relaxed, with a sigh, putting his hand in Sherlock's.

Sherlock looked at John with a smile. "Thank you."

John smiled. "No problem. You okay?"

"As long as you are getting better I' ll be fine", Sherlock replied.

"I will be." 

Sherlock was ignoring him. After having told them how much being ignored had hurt him. For Sherlock, this was the worst he could do. This was worse than shouting. Jim had promised not to hide. But he couldn't let Sherlock see how much this was affecting him. So he kept his face calm, and didn’t say anything. 

John shrugged, glancing at Jim. He looked at Sherlock and nodded at Jim meaningfully.

What could he say? He didn't regret any of it. It had been necessary. Sherlock hated being left apart, so he had let him stay. He had told Sherlock he wouldn’t like it. But it was the truth, and he had promised not to lie. He had to find a way to fix this. 

"She-Sherlock?" Why was his voice shaking?

Sherlock looked at him. Jim had never seen his eyes this cold before. "If he gets hurt because of what you've done, I'll never talk to you again", Sherlock said in a voice as cold as his eyes. 

 

Jim tried to hide. He didn't want Sherlock to know how much this was hurting him. But it was really difficult. And he had no idea of what to say.

"How... _convenient_ was it? Our deal ending just the day he had to go back to his house. And suddenly you could stay with me, when you couldn't before. And his best friend starts hurting him. What did you give Greg? What was the deal?"

No. No, it wasn’t like that. It sounded like something he could have done, but he hadn’t. "You...promised to t-trust me", Jim said, trying not to panic. 

"Oh, yes. That was convenient, too. You planned all this."

"Sherlock-", Jim pleaded. 

"What? You are not even denying it. I was an idiot for thinking you loved me. Everybody warned me against you."

Jim didn't say anything. He was having problems to breathe. And...what could he say? If made sense. It fitted. 

"Sherlock Holmes!" John scolded. "Jim does love you you bloody idiot. I asked Jim to stay with you. It is not his fault that Greg is a blithering idiot so don't act like it is." He glared. "Jim trusts you, so why don't you trust him? It takes a lot to trust someone, _especially_ after what he's been through. You think I had it bad?" He shook his head. "Stop acting as if Jim has killed a fucking cat that you brought back from the dead. Can't you see how much you distrusting him is hurting him? Hurting me? I trust him with my life and it takes a lot for that. I trust him like I trust you. The fact that he trusts us is a fucking miracle!"

Jim closed his eyes, and focused on taking deep and show breaths. He had tried, this was his best. What if it wasn’t enough?

"Jim, I-I'm sorry. I didn't...mean it", Sherlock said after a while. 

Jim kept his eyes closed and tried to calm down and ignore his emotions. "It's.. al-alright... Sherlock. I-if you..want me...out of....your life...you...you just...have to...say it"

"No, I...I..." 

John sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sherlock, how do you feel right now?" 

"I...”, Sherlock said nervously. 

"It's alright, John", said Jim, feeling more in control. "We...we can figure this out, can't we? Sometimes...things are not what they seem to be. Because...Sherlock? Do you know what else would fit? You are clever. You know what happened between John and me, how I hurt him, and you want to hurt me. So you make me trust you, to the point that you ask me to stop hiding. You take away my only defense, and then you attack me. How does that sound? I know it's not true. Because I trust you. Forget about your...logic. Do you trust me or not?"

"I..."

"Yes or no?"

"Yes"

"Good"

"Jim, I...I didn't want to..."

"I know Sherlock. I know you don't want to hurt me. But it's the way I see the world. Look for threats and danger. And...if you use logic, if you forget about emotions...it fits as good as your theory. Better, in fact. So...it's about...trust. That's all."

"I'm sorry"

"I know", Jim repeated.

John sighed as he looked between them. "This is getting ridiculous"

"I told you I wasn't good at this", said Jim looking at John.

"None of us are, are we?" John muttered.

"Oh, shut up. You two are great. I...shouldn't have said that. I was...worried, and spoke without thinking", Sherlock replied. 

John snorted. "Please." His phone beeped again and he reached for it. He grimaced at the message, biting his lip before putting it back down.

"Let me guess: Greg wasn't happy about it", Jim guessed. 

"Nope. He intends on coming to visit when you two do." John muttered. He looked at Sherlock. "I'd asked Charlie...I mean... Officer Lestrade to make sure nobody but my doctors were allowed in until you two came."

"Lestrade? Is he...Greg's father? But, Jim, you said he was the one who..."

"Yes. He was the one who found me."

"He's a good man." John said.

"Yes, he is", Jim replied, tired. Tomorrow, with Greg here, would be...hard.

"Jim? Can we...stay tonight?"

"Sherlock...you can't sleep in a chair"

"Y-you could share with me.. If you want.", John offered. 

"Jim?"

"If...John is okay with it"

"I-I guess." John nodded slowly.

"Then you can stay. I...i'll see you at school", Jim replied. 

"But...you....you can stay too", Sherlock said, confused. 

"Don't you want to be alone with John?"

"But I...don't want you to be alone"

John looked a Jim nervously "Stay?" He asked quietly.

They really wanted him here. He smiled. "Of course. I can sleep in the chair"

John smiled. "Good. I'll ask a nurse to bring you a pillow and some blankets.”

"Thank you. And...Just one thing about tomorrow. I can't...let Greg know that I care about you two. So...I have to act...as if I didn't care when he is watching"

"Thats fine. Do what needs to be done."

"Why do you have to do that?", Sherlock asked. 

"Because...he would use it to hurt me. He would hurt you to hurt me"

Sherlock nodded, but clearly he didn't understand. "But...why? I don't...get it. Why would he want to...hurt you?"

Jim smiled sadly. "I hope you never understand that". He sighed, and looked at his watch. "Okay. We'll go to have something for dinner, and come back when we finished"

"I'm not hungry", Sherlock replied.

"I didn’t ask that, did I?"

"Okay. We...we'll be back soon. We could....bring you...something, if you want", Sherlock offered. 

"I'll be fine. Make sure you both eat though." 

"Let's go, Sherlock. The sooner we go, the sooner we' ll come back. And...he has the biscuits you made him, remember?"

Sherlock looked at the unopened box. "They would have broken when I let them fell down. He won't like them"

"Then we'll do more tomorrow. Come", he said offering his hand.

Sherlock nodded, and, reluctantly, let John's hand go and took Jim's, standing up.


	78. Chapter 78

Jim looked at John, remembering how he had defended him. _Against Sherlock_. "Thank you", he said in a whisper.

"No worries." John assured softly.

Jim smiled, and left the room with Sherlock. They went to the closest place, and Jim ordered for both of them, knowing that Sherlock would eat whatever was in front of him.

"Jim?", Sherlock said, unsure.

"I know", he said once more.

"I...I was...worried, and angry. I'm sorry"

Jim took his hand over the table. "I know, Sherlock. It's okay"

"I hurt you"

"Yes"

They ate silently for a minute.

"Jim?"

"Yes, you can ask. I told you. The worst thing that could happen is that I won't answer you"

"Why did John say that...you loved me?

"Because...Because I told him"

"You've never told me"

"I know"

"Why?"

"Remember what I told you before? The possibility that fitted and explained everything?"

"I would never do that"

"I know. But...trusting is...difficult"

"You trust John"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"He...understands how I feel. He forgave me. He could have hurt me, several times, and never did it."

"Jim?"

"Yes, Sherlock?"

"I love you"

"I know"

They ate silently after that, and went back to the hospital. On their way, Sherlock took his hand. Jim didn’t say anything, but the contact made him feel much better. 

Sherlock stopped before entering the building. Jim looked at him, surprised. "I thought you wanted to go back soon"

Sherlock didn't say anything. He opened his mouth two times, but closed it again. Jim just waited, knowing that Sherlock wanted to tell him something difficult. But, instead saying anything, Sherlock kissed him. It was soft and tender, and broke his defenses totally.

Jim kissed him back, almost desperately. He had thought he'd never had this again. "Of course I love you, idiot", he whispered in his ear. 

Sherlock hugged him, and they stayed still, just feeling each other. 

Ten minutes later, they knocked at John's door. 

John blinked awake as they came in. He grabbed his phone and turned it off mid vibration. Jim took a pillow and a blanket and went to the chair. "Over the sheets" he suggested to Sherlock, who looked as if he didn’t know what to do. After all, John didn’t feel comfortable being touched. 

Sherlock nodded, and took off his shoes and coat. Then he lay on top of the bed and put a blanket over him. Jim glanced at them to make sure they were both okay, and listened how Sherlock explained John about the visit to the doctor. Then John kissed Sherlock’s cheek, and Jim relaxed. They were okay. Until Sherlock began to apologize. 

"...I'm really sorry about what happened before. And yesterday. I'm...not used to dealing with these things, and...I talked without thinking. It's my fault", he whispered. "I keep hurting you, and him."

"You don't do it on purpose, Sherlock. We know that.."

"I know. It's not that I want to hurt you. It's that there's something wrong with me. I always hurt the people around me"

That was painful to hear. There was nothing wrong with Sherlock. Jim decided to say something, because they clearly needed it. "You two can speak in the morning. Now is time to sleep. And stop saying idiotic things, Sherlock"

They didn’t answer him, but Sherlock closed his eyes, and was asleep within minutes.

Jim didn't want to sleep. But he was tired. It was curious, he was always tired lately. He had a lot of things to think about. He closed his eyes, listening to Sherlock's steady breathing, and tried to figure out what he was going to do with Greg.

After a while, he noticed that John wasn’t sleeping either. 

"You can't sleep?", Jim asked in a whisper, not wanting to wake Sherlock up.

"Nope." John answered. "Tried this morning. Didn't go well."

"Yes, I know what you mean. Sherlock didn't say anything, but I'm sure I woke him up last night. And the one before that". He sighed. "At least he is sleeping. Are you okay with him there?", he asked. John's offer had surprised him.

"I suppose. Kind of uncomfortable, but I'll live."

"That sounds like a no", he replied.

"It's not an issue, Jim."

Jim didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. "He needs you", he muttered, remembering how sad Sherlock had been.

"No. He needs stability and reliability. I gave it to him at the start and now…"

"Has he ever...behaved like this with you? Accused you of...? Well, you heard it"

"He did once. Thought I was just using him for convenience."

"Sorry, what? What do you mean...using him?" Jim asked carefully.

"He thought I didn't even like him. That I was using him as somewhere to stay. I suppose it was my own fault he thought it but... Yeah.."

Jim took a deep breath. "That was...my doing. I told him that, among many other similar things, before...well, _before_ "

John sighed. "I figured.. Doesn't matter now."

"I'm trying...not to be that person", Jim whispered. "It's...difficult. Those things I told Sherlock...I can't stop thinking like that. Like if...everybody were going to hurt me, and I had to do something to stop it before it happens. And...Sherlock...asks for...a lot"

"Don't promise what you can't give, Jim. It's too hard. And...we won't hurt you. I know how hard it is to think differently."

"I know", Jim answered."He...I told you the other night. He asked me to stop hiding. I promised I would...try. And I am trying, but I don't know if it will be enough"

"I think just trying is enough. I can't do what you can. If it wasn't for this stupid dressing gown, I'd still be hiding."

"As I told you once...between you and me we make almost a normal boyfriend"

John laughed quietly. "I suppose we do."

Jim stayed silent for a while, listening to Sherlock’s breathing. It was soothing. "I've been thinking about...tomorrow"

"What will you do?" John asked nervously.

"I don't know. The only way to keep Greg away from you would be hurting him. And you don't want me to do that. Even if you did, I don't know if it would work. You...have to find a way of facing him. A safe way. Tomorrow I'll try to give you more time. But to do that, I'll have to...act like I did on Saturday. As if I didn't care and I was using you. It will be...unpleasant. And...after what Sherlock said today...he will be...affected"

"Do what you have to. Are you going to accept his deal? I mean.. If you accept it, I can find away to make him stop, maybe, and he'd still have to leave you three alone."

"Only if the terms of it make you reasonably safe and I can't find any other way", Jim replied. "Do you think he'd keep his part of the deal?"

"Maybe.. He never broke a promise, so I suppose he'd keep a deal."

Jim nodded, and tried to make a plan for the next day. "Will you...talk with Sherlock, if he...gets angry with me again? The things I’d have to say...he won't like them"

"I'll talk to him, don't worry. It'll be fine." He assured.

"I need you to promise me something"

"Anything. What is it?"

"That _you_ won't be angry at me. That you will remember that everything I do and say in front of Greg is a lie"

"I'll remember. I can't say it won't hurt, but I know you won't mean it."

"Do you understand why this is necessary?", Jim insisted.

"Of course I understand." John sighed. "But enlighten me anyway."

"Greg wants to hurt me. If he knew you two were important for me, he would use that. Things would be...worse, for you, and Sherlock. Oh, he could promise not to hurt Sherlock, but sometimes words hurt worse than pain. And you..." He smiled bitterly in the darkness. "You should ask Seb the things Greg did to him, only because he thought Seb was important to me"

"Greg..Greg hurt _Sebastian_?" John asked, horrified. "I never knew that."

"There are several ways of hurting somebody. It's not my story to tell. If you want to know details you should ask Seb. When...I came here, Seb...protected me. Helped me. For a price, of course. But it worked. Greg...didn't like it. Seb didn't tell me for years, he just...protected me"

John didn’t say anything for a while. Jim thought he had fallen asleep, until he heard him talking again. “Jim? What’s worrying you? Really?”

He hesitated. But...John had said that he trusted him with his life. "I..." He stopped, and listened to Sherlock's breathing to make sure he was still asleep. He didn’t want him to know this. "Sometimes it's...difficult to remember that it's a lie. Sometimes I don't know if i'm acting or not. Being like that, being the person Greg expect me to be...is easy. Too easy. I...I don't...want to be that person. What if...that's who I am? What if...I can't...be any other way? Even Sherlock thought that."

"There are two sides to every person. You have the person you are around Sherlock and I, and then the person you are around Greg and people at school. Keeping up appearances. I get it. You can be both, but I think the side that's nice and loves Sherlock, is the most prominent one. You can be both as needed. I do it. Greg does. I'd say even Molly does to an extent."

"No, it's...more than that. I'm somebody different at home. And with teachers, and doctors. I don't know...what is real. I'm not sure when i'm acting. And...yesterday...if it were any other person but you, I would have made the deal with Greg. Without hesitation, or feeling guilty afterwards. What kind of person does that make me?"

"Well you have a conscience anyway. Good thing, that. Obviously it means when you care about people, you really care about them. That's not a bad thing. You're still the same person, just acting differently." 

"I don't trust myself", Jim said, more to himself than to John.

"I trust you. Sherlock trusts you. Molly and Sebastian do too. As does your mum. Doesn't that show you that you can trust yourself?"

Maybe. Or maybe they would end up regretting it. He didn't answer. "If I try to hurt Sherlock, you have to stop me", he said instead.

"I will." He promised. "Same for you, for me." He said quietly. 

"Of course", Jim answered, feeling better. "And...thank you for...what you told him. You didn't need to do that"

"Yes I did. He was hurting you and as much as I love him, I won't stand for cruelty like that."

"I _could_ have done what he said. That's what...I feared when I told you that I would hurt him. And that's why...it affected me. Because...it might be true. Maybe it would have been true, if you hadn't been...there."

"You could have, but you haven't. Which shows better character than you think."

He didn't reply, because he had no idea of what to say. “Sleep, John”, he whispered. John didn’t reply, but he knew he was still awake. He sighed.

They clearly wouldn’t get much sleep tonight.


	79. Chapter 79

Jim stayed silent for a while, listening to their breathing. Sherlock was asleep; but John wasn’t. Well, at least they could use this time to talk about things. 

"I can't protect you from Greg. You have to find a way to fight back. I...tried to find something against him, but there was nothing. No dirty secrets, no people he cared for. Unless you want me to physically hurt him, but I don't think it would work", he said softly.

"Well.. There is his sister. Do you now know about her?"

"Yes, but..." But she was nice. Had been nice to him. And she was the daughter of the man who had saved him. But...Greg wouldn't know that, would he? 

"Threaten him with her. It will work", John insisted.

That, he could do. Greg thought he was a psychopath, after all. And he had never talked much with the girl. Wait. He had...hesitated. He had found something against Greg, and had hesitated to use it. This was...exhausting. He had wore so many masks that he didn't know which one was real anymore. "I'll do that", he muttered. John was giving him advice of how to manipulate and threaten people. Maybe his father had been right, and love had made him weak. He sighed, and tried to think about something happier. Sherlock’s birthday was close. 

"I want to do something for Sherlock's birthday. Any ideas?", he asked. 

"I don't know", John said, hesitant. "Maybe.. A small get together?"

"I asked him what he used to do to celebrate his birthday. Do you know what he said? That his mother always phoned him. I just...want to do something. But I don't know what...people do at birthdays"

"I don't really know either.. I guess… friends. Movies. I dunno." John frowned. "Molly is getting something for him, from me."

"Well, you'll still be here by then, so we'll come here. But I...well, maybe it's a stupid idea. I just wanted to do something...fun. To make him feel...good", Jim said, worried. John had mentioned buying something. Of course. He had to buy Sherlock a present. "If you can think about something he'd want to do...", he said, unsure.

"I wish I knew, Jim" John sighed, nervous. He glanced at Sherlock as the still sleeping boy turned to curl into John's side. He stiffened but ignored it.

"You should try to sleep. I'll wake you up before anybody can notice, if you need it", Jim offered

He shook his head. "No thanks. You should try though."

"I'm fine, I slept last night", he replied

"I did this morning."

"Okay", Jim replied. He remained silent for a while, listening to Sherlock's breathing again. And...despite being in a hospital, which he hated. Despite everything that was going on...he felt safe.

Jim wanted to keep talking with John. It would make the night feel shorter. But most topics would only bring back painful memories for both of them. "I'm teaching Sherlock how to cook", he said after a while. Sherlock was a happy topic, usually.

John smiled. "How's that going?"

"As long as I talk to him as if we were in the lab, things go fine. He brought you some biscuits, if you want to try them. The funny thing is that...he gets distracted easily. And, as the ingredients are not labelled...well, you get an idea"

"Figures." John chuckled.

"But it was...fun. And...well, we'd never spent much time together before, so i though that doing something might help. We also played chess. He is good"

"Sounds fun." 

"It...was", Jim said, surprised. "And...my mother likes him. She's...calm, when he is with me."

"That's...impressive.", John said, surprised.

"Yes. I've been thinking about it, and...no matter how much I look like my father, he would never allow anybody to hold his hand, or kiss him. Yesterday...I went in first, and she was altered when she saw me. Then Sherlock came in, and...hugged me, and...she calmed down"

"Thats brilliant."

"Yes", he replied with a smile. "She is never scared of me when Sherlock is with me"

John grinned. "That's great!"

"Don't wake him up", Jim said, still smiling.

He smiled. "Yes sir."

Jim laughed at that. "Idiot", he whispered.

John winked dramatically in response.

"Jim?", Sherlock muttered, moving closer to the body besides him.

"You got it wrong again. Honestly, it isn't that hard, there's only two of us", Jim teased. 

"I got it right yesterday", Sherlock muttered, half asleep.

"Well, it's a 50% chance.", Jim answered smiling. "Go back to sleep, Sherlock. It's early".

John laughed, and stroked Sherlock's hair soothingly. "Sleep, love."

"I missed you", Sherlock whispered, closing his eyes.

John sighed. "I missed you too."

"Sleep", Sherlock said without moving.

"Will do." John nodded.

"Liar", Sherlock replied. 

“I know." John mumbled, still stroking his hair.

"Love you", Sherlock added, relaxing at John's touch

John hummed, watching him fall asleep.

 

Jim listened in silence. It didn't bother him. Sherlock sounded happy. And John, too. He listened until Sherlock's breathing became slow and regular, showing that he was sleeping again.

"I told you we'd wake him up", he whispered

"Shut up. Half your fault too."

"Well...it's not my fault. I like talking to you", Jim replied

"I like talking to you too." 

"And he is sleeping again"

"That he is." John nodded.

Jim thought for a while. Tomorrow required careful planification. "So...tomorrow...Greg can't come until we do, right?"

"Yeah, that's right." 

"Well, I think we'll go to my place first, and maybe we'll be a bit late" 

"That's fine. Greg may just wait outside with his dad, so be ready for that."

"Do you think you could act as if you were scared of me?", Jim asked.

"Yeah. I mean.. I'm pretty scared of everyone right now. I can work on it while you're gone.”

"Remember the way we behaved when we met him last Saturday? That...worked. Sherlock will do what I told him to do. And you...stand it because you love him. Greg will believe that". It sounded like something he’d do. 

"It will all be fine."

Maybe. But Jim would hate each second of it. Or...maybe like it too much. "Yes", he replied, trying to show confidence. "It will be fine", he repeated, more to himself than to John. Then, after a while, he added: "Promise me we'll still be friends tomorrow night. Even if...it doesn't work". 

"I promise." He replied seriously. "Nothing changes." 

He didn't want to lose any of this. Sherlock's love, and John's friendship. "Thank you", he replied.

John nodded. "Jim.. If.. If Greg does manage to get his way…don't let anything change between us."

"Never", he replied, looking at John. "Even if things with Sherlock...don't work."

"Got each other" John said quietly.

"Yes. I promise", he replied. 

"I do too." 

"You told Sherlock that...you trusted me with your life", Jim said, feeling a bit vulnerable. 

"I do." John shrugged.

He stayed silent for a while. Nobody had trusted him before, not totally. "With the things I've told you about myself, with what you know about me, you could ruin my life. I trust you with that. By asking you to talk for my evaluation, I trust you with...my safety. I...I 'd never trusted anybody this much before"

"Good thing I trust you too, then." John smiled.

How had they ended up like this? It was supposed to be a game. Play with Sherlock, until he breaks. Easy. He hadn't planned this. "Maybe you shouldn't", he replied in a whisper.

"Well too late. Stop regretting things. It's done."

"I don't...regret it. It's...one of the best things that had happened to me. It's just..." That good things doesn't last. Not for him. "That...I always end up hurting people"

"Then I won't let you hurt us." John shrugged. "Just like I didn't let Sherlock."

"Good", Jim said, feeling better. "It feels...weird, without you", he added

"Why's that?"

"I don't know. Sometimes it's...really good" He blushed, remembering last morning. "But other times...he looks at me, and his face shows...disappointment. Or he just...stays still, and...doesn't move or do anything until I make him. And...I miss talking to you. It makes everything much easier”. He sighed. It was so weird to trust somebody this way.   
“He told me that...you'd barely spent a minute apart since you met. And...when you were apart, bad things happened. I think he feels guilty"

"He shouldn't." John answered. "Not his fault. It's never his fault."

Jim stood and observed Sherlock's sleeping figure. "He doesn't see it. He has no idea of how amazing he is", he whispered.

"Maybe he'll realize one day, with our help." John whispered.

He nodded, and looked at John. "You don't see it either"

"See what?" John asked, startled.

"Yourself. The way he sees you, the way he talks about you. You don't see yourself that way"

"Of course I don't. Why would I?" 

"He told me...a lot of things about you, that first night", he replied. "About how you met, among other things. About how...good it was to have you." He walked to the window, and looked outside. "Even Molly warned me. You two were so happy together. But you...accepted it. Me. Despite everything."

"I'm glad we have you. I couldn't do this much longer without you."

"Neither could I. This is...overwhelming, some times"

John nodded in agreement. "It's so hard sometimes. Like right now, he's too close but I can't stand to wake him."

Jim turned, and looked at the bed. Sherlock was over the sheets, like before, but had moved closer to John. Jim brushed his shoulder, and let him feel the warmth of his hand. Sherlock muttered something, and moved closer to Jim. Sherlock always moved closer to the warmth while he was sleeping. "Better?", he whispered.

John relaxed visibly. "Much. Thank you."

"He always does that, when he is asleep. He moves closer"

"I know. He's been alone for so long.. He needs closeness."

"And...you find closeness difficult. As I do. I have no problems with physical closeness. Well, I'm....working on that", he corrected. "But...he needs...emotional closeness too. He asked me to stop hiding. That's...harder"

"I know." He sighed. "It's a lot to do."

"It's worth it", Jim replied with a smile. "I told him I loved him", he whispered

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. We...hugged. For a long time"

"Well... That's good."

"Yes", Jim answered, looking at Sherlock. "Why was it so difficult to say it? He already knew"

"Had you ever said it to someone before and meant it?"

"No", he replied. "I've never...loved anybody before"

"That's why it was hard." John explained.

Jim nodded. It made sense. "You love him too", he said, looking at Sherlock

"I do." John confirmed.

"And he loves you. And me. It's...really working"

"I suppose it is."

"That sounds closer to a no than to a yes", Jim replied, looking at John. "What's the problem? Have you...changed your mind?" He tried to keep his emotions out of his voice. Because if he had to choose, Sherlock would choose John, he was sure.

"No nothing like that." John assured hastily. "I just… " He shrugged. "I dunno. This whole thing with Greg is messing with my head."

"Just focus on the present. You are safe, Sherlock loves you. It will get better, the pain will go away."

"It's not like I don't deserve the pain for my stupidity." He muttered, tugging lightly at the elastic band. "Jim, I.. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, you know? And you both rely on me when I'm so unstable and scared and... and I get worried. "

"I'll tell you a secret: everybody feels that way" He walked to the chair again, and sat, looking at John. "I have no idea of how to have a relationship without hurting the other person. The first instinct I have when I met somebody is to look for a way of controlling that person. I'm terrified of hurting him. Or you. Of letting any of you see me. This whole thing is...terrifying. You are far better than me at this".

John bit his lip worriedly. "I'd say we're pretty on par." 

He shrugged. "Maybe". He glanced at Sherlock again. "Most times I act as If I knew what I'm doing, and people believe it".

"You're a damn good at it. Have me fooled half the time."

"That's the point of it. If people thing you are in charge, or know what to do, they'll act as if you were. And I'm good. Had a lot of practise"

John nodded. "I get it."

Jim nodded too. Of course John understood. "I should wake him up. Or do you want to do it?"

"What time is it?" He asked, surprised.

"It's still early, but we have to go to Sherlock's house before school. I can't go to school, or worse, let Greg see me, in the same clothes than yesterday"

"Wake him then." He sighed.

Jim glanced at his watch. "I could go and pick some clothes, and then come back here"

"No, he'll want a shower." He looked at Sherlock. "You should wake him."

Jim nodded, and walked to the other side of the bed. Then he kissed Sherlock's forehead softly. "Sherlock?"

Sherlock smiled, half asleep. "J...", he paused, blinked and looked at Jim with a smile. "Hi", he said, finally.

"Hello." Jim said, smiling back. "Sherlock, we have to go".

"Okay", he replied, sitting on the bed

John rubbed Sherlock arm briefly as a gesture. Sherlock looked at John's hand, and smiled. "We'll come back after school", he told John.

"Good. Text me when you're on the way." John smiled.

Sherlock nodded, and put on his shoes.

"Texts us if you need something", said Jim as he waited for Sherlock

"Of course."

Sherlock looked at John once more, and stood up. 

"Sherlock, let's go"

Sherlock looked at John once again, and didn't move.

Jim took his hand. "We'll come back later", he said softly. 

Sherlock nodded, and walked to the door with Jim.


	80. Chapter 80

Sherlock kept holding Jim's hand all the way to the car. They didn't talk much. Sherlock was clearly worried about John. Jim wasn’t sure of how to help, and in the end he decided to sep him distracted, so he didn’t have time to think. 

Jim did everything he could to keep Sherlock busy the whole day. With Molly and Seb's help, he managed not to leave him alone at school. And between the classes and the exams, they didn't have much time to focus on anything else. People kept looking at them, but nobody dared to say anything when he held Sherlock's hand, or kissed him. 

At lunch time, Jim showed Sherlock the school like he saw it. He explained Sherlock the deals, the secrets, the way people worked. Just a glimpse, not the big picture, but it put a smile on Sherlock’s face. And Sherlock’s insight on some people was fascinating. Some people had secrets. Knowing those secrets helped him to control them. Other people needed help, or protection. It was a bit like chess. 

Jim was was worried about John, and about what was going to happen with Greg, but didn't want to worry Sherlock, so he hid it. He had promised not to, but right now Sherlock needed routine. It worked at home, and at school. It even worked at Jim's house, specially because his mother was sedated and didn’t talk much. But later, on their way to the hospital (after buying more chocolate), Sherlock looked at him, worried, and Jim knew it was finally time to talk.

"You can't let Greg hurt him", Sherlock whispered.

Jim tried not to be hurt. No matter how much he tried to change, Sherlock still didn't trust him. "You know I wont".

"Yes, but..."

"Listen, Sherlock. I need you to trust me. I will do everything I can to help John. But you have to do everything I tell you, and ask no questions. Specially in front of Greg"

Sherlock looked at him silently before nodding. "How can I help?"

Jim looked at him, relived. "Act as if you were...a bit scared of me. Do everything I say"

Sherlock nodded again.

"And...no matter what I say when Greg is there....remember that I love you", he added, hesitant. 

Instead of answering, Sherlock kissed him. Jim melted into the kiss, still amazed of how right it felt. When they pulled away, they were still nervous, but not as much as before. 

"It will be fine, Sherlock. Text John, tell him we'll be there soon", Jim said, smiling. 

Sherlock nodded, and took his phone. "We'll be there in 20 min. Love you-SH"

"Jim...."

"Just do as I say, don't ask any question and act a bit afraid of me. It will be fine, I promise", Jim replied, wanting to believe it.

Sherlock nodded again, and showed Jim John’s answer.

"See you then. Make sure to do as Jim asks. - John."

"He says that I have to do what you ask me", Sherlock said softly.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"N..No. You are right."

They arrived at the hospital, and, before leaving the car, Sherlock kissed Jim again. Jim didn’t know why Sherlock kissed him this much today, but he wasn’t going to complain. It helped him to calm down.

"You are scared", Sherlock whispered.

"Sherlock, I can't...talk about that right now. I can't let Greg see that", Jim replied, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Better. When he opened his eyes, he felt in control again. He walked confidently, one step ahead of Sherlock, towards John's room.

 

Greg was there, of course. Jim nodded at him with a cold smile, and opened the door, entering the room. Sherlock walked behind him, and sat close to John. Greg wandered in after them, smiling sweetly as he closed the door.

"Hi. I..brought you more chocolate. Sorry I ate half of it yesterday", Sherlock whispered. whispered, smiling.

John smiled weakly at Sherlock, glancing anxiously between Greg and Jim. "Thanks, Sherlock." 

"And...Jim told me to bring you some notes.", Sherlock added nervously, glancing at Jim.

Jim nodded slightly, and moved the chair to sit close to Sherlock.

When Jim nodded, Sherlock opened his bag and gave John the notes. John took them silently, putting them on his lap.

Greg dragged a chair over and sat at the foot of John's bed. "I need an answer, Jim." He said quietly, staring at him with annoyance.

Jim looked at Greg calmly. "Here?", he asked in a neutral tone.

"Mmhmm." Greg nodded. "Simple yes or no will do."

"Oh, but you have to remind me the exact terms", he replied with a smile

Greg smiled, cocking his head. "Such a bad memory. Too much trauma?" He asked pityingly. "Terms were, I join your little group of 'friends' we share John. In exchange I leave you, Molly and Sherlock alone. Well. Won't hurt any of you or get in your business."

Sherlock moved his hand to take John's, without thinking, and glanced at Jim. There was fear in his eyes, and Jim hated it. But he also noticed how John tensed and looked uncomfortable with the contact. He had to do something. 

Jim took Sherlock's wrist and put his hand away from John. "Sherlock. What are the rules about touching John?", he said coldly.

Sherlock bit his lip and looked even more nervous. "Not..to do it unless...it's specifically allowed?", he replied, hesitant.

"Good", Jim replied, releasing him. "Sorry, Greg. You were saying?", he added sweetly. 

Greg looked at him with an expression between angry and amused, and repeated the offer. 

"I have two problems with your...idea" , said Jim, coldly. "First, it would imply having you close to me at a regular basis. And second....I'm not good at...sharing."  
"You may have to deal with it. Make. Your. Decisions." Greg muttered.

"Oh, i have _too much trauma_. I need time to make decisions", Jim replied. "And I think my answer is...no. I don't share. Well, unless you belonged to me too. But we both know that's not going to happen"

"Hmm. Pity. I'll take him myself then."

"I am not an object!" John exclaimed.

Jim ignored John's words, because his body language showed fear. He had to do something. He focused on Greg, and kept his face calm. "If you do that, i'll be bored. And i'd need somebody new to play with. Maybe...a girl. Molly was fun, after all. You...have a sister, don't you? I could break her. That would be fun", he added with a cold smile.

Greg paled, eyes narrowing. "You wouldn't. You're too loyal to us."

Jim grinned. "Oh, I wouldn't break her _too much_. That would be _boring_. And you know better than calling me loyal. Come on. I would only talk to her, of course. Much funnier that way"

Sherlock looked at Jim, horrified. "You can't", he whispered.

"I can't? Of course I can. It's easy", he replied with the same cold smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Greg smiled overly sweetly. "I'd kill you."

"You could try. Others have, before", Jim replied, still smiling. "It's easy, Greg. Stay away from my business and my people, and i'll stay away from yours."

Greg hummed thoughtfully. "You know I could destroy you, right? Mention to the school how you manipulate and terrify people. Cause fear. Worthy enough to be pulled out of school." 

He shrugged. "You could try. You might be surprised of how many people owe me favours. Debts and deals are more effective than fear. But actions have consequences. You try that, you talk about me, and I talk about _you_. You tried telling people about my past. How did that go? And...are you enjoying the consequences?" 

Greg snorted. "A week off school? Old man doesn't believe a word of it. I'm _such a good kid_ " He rolled his eyes. "What else could you possibly do?"

"Oh, I don't know. So many possibilities. I could...get hurt, and say you did it to me. I could have ten people swearing that it was you. And your father would believe me. I'm sure he would love that. I could talk with your sister. Show her how you really are. Let me think...oh, yes. I could have Molly talk to her. Or...I don't know. O could talk to her myself. Such a sweet and innocent girl. It would be fun. Or maybe, if i'm bored enough, I could make everybody at school to stop talking to you. I wonder how long you would last", he said calmly. He caught a glimpse of Sherlock's pale and horrified face, but he focused on Greg and ignored it.

Greg faltered for a moment, but set his jaw. "All this, for him?"

"For him? No. For you. How many times have you stepped into my way? How many times have you tried to hurt me? He is off limits. I said so, and you defied it. Defied _me_. I..." He closed his eyes for a second, ignoring everything in the room but Greg. Then he opened them again, and looked at him. "I'm tired of being subtle. So i'll say it once more, and only once. Stay away from me and my people"

Gre clicked his tongue obnoxiously. "I'll think about it. Maybe." He shrugged. 

"Oh, please do that. Think about it. About every single way I could break you. You know me, you've seen what I can do. You've even read my files and know what I am. But first, I would break her, only to see your face. Think about that, too"

"Let me ask you one more thing, though." Greg glanced at John, who looked pale and ready to be sick. "What if he _wanted_ to come to me? Would you let him?"

Jim ignored his emotions. This would make him lose John too. He could see on Sherlock's face that he had already lost him. He looked at Greg in the eyes, and pretending to be confused."What would what he wants matter? I thought you knew me better than that".

Greg hummed in thought and nodded. "Okay then." 

Jim didn't dare to look away from Greg. He couldn't show any weakness. "We've always understood each other. Maybe you can have him, when i'm tired of this game".

"Any idea how long that will take? I've waited long enough."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "I've had him less than a month. And he is interesting"

"You've had him before though. For nearly six months. How could he be more interesting now?"

"Because I have Sherlock too. They make each other interesting. And those months, you didn't complain. Not once"

"I had my own things going on with him at the time. None of your business. I mightn't of made a fuss then, but I am now."

"You enjoyed it as much as I did, then. And you know the consequences. It's your choice"

"What you did was nothing to what I did." Greg snorted but then shrugged. "We'll just have to see, won't we?"

Jim walked closer to Greg. "Of course. We'll see. Starting now. Leave the room. Or I'll make you leave it"

Greg rose to his feet and looked down on Jim, eyes narrowed. "If it wasn't my dad at the door I would fight you on this." He muttered, patience running thin. He glanced at John. "Start replying to my texts." He instructed before leaving without another word.

Jim looked at the door, tempted to go away from the room too. He didn't want to face them. They both had promised that nothing would change, but one thing was saying it and a different one was doing it. Slowly, he turned around. Sherlock was looking at him, clearly scared. He didn't dare to look at John. He wanted to say something, to explain, but he didn't know how. This was a part of him, too. Part of who he was.


	81. Chapter 81

John took slow steady breaths, scrubbing his face roughly. "All for show?" He whispered, voice shaking.

Jim nodded without moving.

“That's..okay then.." John sighed.

"No, it's not okay! How can you say it is?" Sherlock shouted. 

"Do y-you want me to leave?", Jim asked, hating the way his voice trembled. It was the threat of making everybody stop talking to Greg, he knew that. It had reminded Sherlock of what it had been done to him. Why had he said that?

"Yes", Sherlock said, coldly. 

That hurt even more than he had expect it to. "Okay", Jim whispered

"Stay." John said firmly, making eye contact with Jim. "You can tell me what was on the History test”.

Jim didn't look away. And didn't try to hide how he was feeling. He nodded, and went to the chair. He remembered the night he had spent in this chair, and how good it had felt talking to John. "I...wrote the questions for you. They'll probably use the same ones when you have to do it”, he said, glancing at Sherlock for a moment. He looked so angry. 

John nodded. "I appreciate that. I'd rather study, knowing the questions than study blindly."

"Oh, shut up. You are the second of the class", Jim replied with a weak smile.

He chuckled, though it was a bit forced. "Thanks to you." He admitted.

Jim took a sheet from his bag and gave it to John. "If you need help to prepare the answers, say it", he added, trying to ignore the way Sherlock was looking at him.

John nodded and took them, scanning the page. "I will, thanks." He smiled. "Sherlock, why don't you do some studying." He said, not as a question, without looking at him.

Sherlock looked at John, surprised, but nodded. He took a book, the first he saw, and started to read it.

Jim relaxed slightly. They would have to talk about this, but...not now. And, John had promised to talk to Sherlock. 

"Oh, Jim, could you ask Molly to visit me tomorrow if she can? I need to talk to her about something." 

"Of course. She asked about you, today."

"Yeah? Whatcha tell her?"

"That you were feeling better, but had to stay here for a while", he replied honestly

John nodded. "Which is true. I think." 

"It is", he replied. How much Molly knew of what had happened to John, he wasn't sure. But she wouldn't mention it. 

"I need to ask the doctors, actually", he muttered.

"Well, you have to stay until they take the stitches out, so...about a week. And if you needed more surgery they would have told you by now. And you would be in much more pain"

"They have me on a lot of painkillers." John shrugged. "I can't really feel anything."

"Good", Jim answered. John had felt enough pain already. "Do you need...any explanation about...before?", he asked, unsure.

"Nope. I know how it works, Jim", he assured with a sigh. 

"Thank you", Jim muttered.

Sherlock looked up from his book and glared at Jim."Really, John?", he asked.

"Really, what?" John asked, looking at him finally.

"You don't want him to explain, after that? You just...trust him?"

"I have dealt with scenarios like that all my life, Sherlock. It's nothing new. I know how it works."

"Well, _I_ haven't. So explain me how it works. How can you stand hearing those things and then act as if nothing had happened? How can you trust him? How do you know this is real and not an act too?"

Jim paled at the words, but didn't say anything. Sherlock wouldn't believe anything he said, and John had promised to explain things to Sherlock.

"Jim doesn't mean it when he says it about us. I already believe it about myself as it is so it's not exactly difficult to hear anymore. What Jim said was just so Greg would back the fuck off. Obviously it worked so what are you complaining about? He didn't mean any of what he said. Do you think I would let Jim even be in the room if I thought he would hurt you or me?"

Sherlock looked at Jim for a minute. It made Jim nervous. He felt exposed when Sherlock looked at him like that. Finally, Sherlock turned to look at John again. 

"No", Sherlock answered finally. 

"Exactly." John nodded seriously.

Jim couldn’t read Sherlock’s expression right now, and it was terrifying. Sherlock looked like a totally different person. "Sherlock, what did you want me to do? I told you...nothing I say when Greg is in the room is true", Jim whispered. 

"And how do I know _this_ is true?"

"Again?"Jim replied, sad. "You can't know. You have to trust me"

Sherlock looked at Jim silently for a moment, studying his face. "I can't tell when you are lying".

"I know", Jim whispered. He had spent a long time learning how to hide his expressions. It was safer. 

"What if I can't trust you?"

Jim closed his eyes for a second. "Then you can't. Nothing I can do or say would change that"

Sherlock nodded. "I need to think about this"

John grumbled to himself as he took notes from what Jim had given him, muttering something that sounded like _bloody idiots._

After a minute, Jim took a book and started to study. He felt cold inside. How could Sherlock trust him? Nobody had. Well, nobody but John. And he wasn't a good person. He had been expecting this to happen since the very first day. But he hadn't expected it to hurt this much. He pretended to read for ten minutes, until it was too much. He needed a moment alone, he needed to control all these emotions. There was no way he was going to lose control in front of them. He took a deep breath, put the book down and walked to the door. Neither of them said anything. For some reason, that hurt, too. 

He nodded at Charlie, and forced a smile, almost panicking. He managed to walk at a normal pace until he arrived to the bathroom. The same one where he had found Sherlock before. As soon as he locked the door behind him, his self control broke. He didn't do any noise, he had learnt long ago how to cry silently. He felt empty.

Jim had no idea of how long he spent like that. When he had no more tears left, he didn’t feel any better. At least he felt slightly more in control. He knew that he had to go back. But he couldn't. He wasn't sure if he could remain calm if Sherlock looked at him like that again. As if he were a stranger. No. As if he were somebody he hated. He took his phone, unsure. John would know what to do. "I can't do this, not if he doesn't want me there. Nothing changes between us. I'm sorry.-Jim" He read it again, and then sent it to John.

There was no answer for a couple of minutes. Jim had no idea of what to do. 

"He wants you here. - John."

Jim read the text, remembering John's words. Stay even if he asks you to leave. "Are you sure?-Jim"

"He just said so. I asked. - John"

Jim washed his face carefully, until there was no trace of tears. He closed his eyes, and managed to relax his expression. Well, mostly. He walked back to the room. Opening the door was harder than facing Greg had been. Hesitant, he entered the room, feeling exposed.

Sherlock and John looked at him, but neither of them said anything. Jim wondered if they could tell that he’d been crying. Nervously, but trying not to let it show, he walked to the chair again. Only then he looked at them properly. John was nervous, more than he had been before. And Sherlock’s gaze didn’t feel so hostile.

"Jim? Are you alright?", Sherlock asked. Jim almost jumped at the words. Sherlock sounded so worried.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?", he asked in a careful and controlled tone. 

"Because you've looking at the same page for ten minutes", Sherlock replied softly, looking at him.

Sherlock knew. Of course he did, he always noticed everything. He knew how scared Jim was the whole time, how weak and pathetic he was. Suddenly ashamed, Jim looked away. 

Sherlock didn’t say anything. He just got up and walked to Jim’s chair. Once then he knelt down ant hugged Jim. He tensed at the contact, but after a second he relaxed between Sherlock's arms. He felt tears forming in his eyes. No. No, he wasn’t going to cry. 

Sherlock looked at him, with a warm smile. "I trust you", he whispered before kissing him.

Jim felt better between Sherlock's arms. It was irrational, but true. And the kiss...he couldn’t deny that Sherlock loved him when he kissed him like that. "I'm sorry about what I...had to say", he muttered, closing his eyes. 

Jim stayed like that for a while, feeling warm, safe and loved. Finally, he kissed Sherlock's cheek and told him to go back to his book. Sherlock smiled and did it. Feeling much better, Jim looked at John. He was pale, and nervous, And clearly living them a bit of space. Jim’s words, and Greg's, had hurt him. Silently he got up and put a blanket over John.

John looked up at Jim as the blanket was placed over him. "Thanks." He mumbled, shuffling under it until it was up to his chin, notes put to the side.

"No. Thank you. For...asking him", he replied, sitting again.

He shrugged and fell silent, wrapping his arms around himself for comfort.

Jim looked at what John was doing, remembering how good Sherlock's hug had made him feel. He doubted John was ready for that, but...maybe a touch without any sexual implications, from somebody he trusted...Jim glanced at Sherlock. But Sherlock wanted John, and it was obvious; it would make him feel uncomfortable. Jim put his hand on the bed. "Take my hand. Stop at the moment it feels wrong".

John stared at him for a moment, glancing between his face and his hand. "I-I don't know", he whispered nervously.

"Try. I won't move or do anything. If it feels wrong, just move away. What do you have to lose?"

"My dignity...though that is long gone." He sighed, taking Jim's hand.

John's hand felt as comforting as he remember. Familiar, safe. "Your dignity? For taking my hand?"

John shook his head. "Ignore me."

Jim remembered the first time John had done this. How frightened he had been. Both of them. How they had talked about what they'd been through. "Does it feel good or bad?"

"Bit of both." John mumbled, eyes stinging with tears for some reason. "I-I want the comfort but I hate being touched. I hate how my skin feels now."

"Do you know how it feels to me? It makes me feel safe", he replied without moving. "And I'm not touching you. You are touching me. You can stop at any moment"

John bit his lip but didn't move, just watched Jim closely.

Jim didn't move. He could feel Sherlock’s eyes fixed on them, but it didn’t feel hostile now. "Everybody has been telling me that I was safe for years. But I hadn't felt it before. Safe enough to talk about it, to tell you what happened. Remember?"

"I remember. Is it because I get it?" John asked quietly.

"You get it. And...you could have hurt me, and you didn't. You...forgave me. You called me friend."

"I did."

"And when I told you...you didn't ask, didn't judge. You just listened"

John nodded again. "You did the same for me."

"It seemed like the right thing to do", Jim replied, noticing john's hand relaxing.

Which it was."

"I don't want to be...like I was with Greg.", he said, lowering his voice. He didn't say anything else. He had said it last night. He was afraid that it was how he really was.

John sighed. "I know you don't, Jim. It's okay."

It wasn't. It had been easy. It had felt natural. And letting them see him, the way Sherlock had looked at him and said that he didn't want him here, that had hurt. "It's...part of me. I can't change that", he said, glancing at Sherlock. He didn’t look angry. He just looked sad. And maybe a bit nervous. 

"You've lived like this for years. We get that. I can't stop lying either, or hiding. It's just instinct.", John said softly.

Hurt before anybody can hurt you. John was right, it was an instinct. "What I said about you is not true. You know it, don't you?"

"I guess. I mean, it still hurt, Jim. I mean…that's all I've heard all my life. Just sounds like an echo now."

"I know", he answered, seeing how much his words have affected John. "You hear something enough times, and slowly, you start thinking about yourself that way. And, even when nobody says it, the words are still in your mind".

"That's exactly it." John muttered.

Sherlock looked at them silently, until he couldn't stay quiet. "It happened to me too. Until you...gave me new words. Like love", he said in a whisper.

Jim looked at Sherlock, surprised he had spoken. He had been so focused on John, that, for a moment, he had forgotten Sherlock was there too.

Sherlock looked away, nervously. "I'...I'm sorry"

"Don't be." Jim sighed. He always noticed Sherlock. Always. What had happened?

Sherlock looked at John again. Then he glanced at his hand over Jim's, and Jim saw a glimpse of hurt in his eyes. "I could...leave for a while, if you want to talk", Sherlock whispered.

Jim looked at Sherlock, unsure. It was easier to talk with John, and he seemed to need it as much as Jim. But he didn't want Sherlock to leave. Emotions were confusing. "It's up to John", he said finally.

"Stay. I hate when either of you leave cause you feel like you're not wanted."

Jim smiled at the words John had used. Either of you. It was so nice to feel wanted. 

Sherlock nodded, and Jim noticed that the tension in his shoulders disappeared for a moment. But the hurt was still there. Sherlock was trying to hide it. And that was wrong. 

"John? Do you think you could touch Sherlock's hand like you are doing with mine, if he promises not to move? And...I want a honest answer, not what you think we want to hear"

"I don't know.. It's different with you than him." He began slowly. "I know Sherlock' wants to do more than hold my hand and it's... pressuring." He whispered honestly .

"I...won't do anything you don't...want. I...I can't...stop wanting it, but...I...."

"Sherlock, shut up. We know that. And I told you, there's nothing wrong in wanting it. Now, put your hand on the bed, without touching John. Don't move it. And accept what he can give you, no matter how much it is"

Sherlock bit his lip, and nodded, putting his hand on the bed.

"John? You don't have to do anything. But I think you should try. If you can, it will make you feel better. And if you can't, you won't be worse than now." He looked at John's hand over his. "This feels good now, doesn't it?"

"Can you both stop please?" He asked quietly, feeling crowded and pressured. "It does feel nice but," he took his hands from Jim's. "I don't want to be touched." He looked down at his hands, wringing them together.

"Okay", Jim replied calmly. He missed the contact, but didn't let it show. "You needed help with History, right? I made a summary of the last lesson. Here", he replied, giving him a sheet without touching him. John took it carefully and nodded his thanks, sitting up on the bed to lean back properly against the pillow. He winced at the movement but said nothing, skimming through the notes.

They all needed routine, and John was really tense. Studying was normal and safe. It might help. Jim glanced at Sherlock who had hidden his face behind a book, but whose hands were trembling slightly. Routine. Happy things. He wasn’t good at that, but he had to try. 

"Sherlock? We should work a bit in the Math’s project. We have to finish it soon.", he said, standing up and moving the chair to the other side of the bed so he could sit close to Sherlock. Then they started talking about what was left to do, and how to improve what was already done. Soon Sherlock relaxed, and even smiled a couple of times.


	82. Chapter 82

Jim glanced at John every now and then as they worked. He looked nervous, and kept getting texts. Surely from Greg. Sherlock noticed too, but they stayed silent. Jim was worried, but he trusted John was clever to deal with Greg. At least he had heard Greg's words as well as Jim's, before. And Greg had admitted that he had enjoyed it when Jim had hurt John.  
Sherlock looked worried, too. Unsure. Almost as if he thought he shouldn’t be here. Jim sighed. 

"Sherlock, I can almost hear you thinking. And you are wrong"

"W...what?", Sherlock asked, defensive.

"If John wanted you or me to leave, he'll say it.", Jim said calmly, hoping he was right

Sherlock nodded, nervously, and tried to focus on the project again. They worked for a while, until another text came to John’s phone. 

"Jim.." John began softly. "I-I don't think I can deal with him alone”, he whispered, fidgeting with his phone.

Jim stood and moved closer to John, without touching him. "Show me", he said softly. John handed him the phone, looking scared. Jim took it, skimming through the texts Greg had sent John. He felt sick. All were declarations of love and promises to keep John safe and happy. He sighed, and gave John his phone back. Then he looked at Sherlock. No lies. Okay, he’d let him choose.

"Sherlock. You can stay, but on the same conditions as the other time. Not a word, and not talking about it afterwards. And you'll like this even less. But It would help if you stayed"

Sherlock nodded, and didn't move.

Jim looked at John again. "Happy and safe, he says. Does he make you feel happy or safe? Again, tell me the truth, not what you think I want to hear."

"I-I.. Sometimes. When it was me and him on Tuesday, when you were at school... I felt normal."

"Normal. Well, I'm not sure what that means, but doesn't sound the same as happy, or safe. Do you feel..." He frowned, trying to find a way to explain happiness. It was hard. "Like when...", he glanced at Sherlock, and knew exactly how to explain it. "Like when it's the middle of the night, and you...are so afraid of your dreams that you can't sleep, but there's somebody there, hugging you, or...playing music, or just talking or texting you, and you are not scared anymore. That kind of safe. Does Greg make you feel like that?"

Sherlock stared at Jim, but neither of them said anything. Sherlock had promised not to, and Jim was doing this to help John. 

John frowned in thought, remembering the past few years. "I.. Yes." He admitted nervously.

"And Sherlock?", Jim asked in the same calm tone

John glanced at Sherlock for a moment, and looked away"I.. I don't know." He whispered fearfully.

Jim moved so he was standing between them. "I'm not sure if you understand the question. I want to know how do _you_ feel. I didn't ask about their feelings, I already know that." It was difficult to explain. "You are afraid of hurting Sherlock. Believe me, i understand that. The question is...how does he make you feel."

"He.. He makes me feel..loved. But I feel like I always need to be careful around him, protect him, when I know it's near-impossible for him to protect me."

"Okay", Jim said calmly. "Does Greg make you feel loved? Not in the past. Right now"

John closed his eyes. "Yes", he said, barely audible.

Jim took a deep breath before talking, and kept using the same tone of voice. "No matter what you answer, nothing changes between us. Do you _want_ to be with Greg?"

He wrapped his arms around himself nervously, growing scared. "I-I don't know, Jim."

"Okay", Jim answered softly. "Can you tell me...what happened between you and Greg? What went wrong?"

"God, I wish I knew." He mumbled. "It all changed so fast.."

That wasn't very useful. "Maybe you should ask him. I...I want to help you, but I can't tell you what to do. And I can only protect you from him as much as you allow me. In fact, you know him better than me, you don't _need_ help against him."

John sighed and nodded. "You're right", he muttered, biting his lip.

"I'm your friend. No matter what you decide to do. But I won't let Greg hurt Sherlock again", he said without moving. "I'll do anything you need me to do, as long as it doesn't hurt him"

John winced. "What am I doing now then? You think _this_ isn't hurting him? And how would either of you manage without me?"

Jim knew that. He knew Sherlock was hurt by John's words. But he didn't look at him. John need this. He could deal with Sherlock later."As I told him, there's nothing wrong in what you feel. You can't control feelings. And, about the second question..." He tried to imagine what would happen if John weren't there. Sherlock and Jim wouldn't probable last a day together without John. And John had to know that. "Be selfish. Put yourself first, and figure out what you want", he said finally.

"I can't do that. You know I can't. I don't know how", John said, opening his eyes and looking at Jim.

"I didn't know how to trust", Jim replied looking him in the eyes. "I didn't know how to love. You'll learn. If it helps...nothing would hurt Sherlock, or me, worse than knowing you are not okay. We want you to be safe and happy".

"Can I just think about it?" John whispered, looking away. 

Jim smiled. "See? That's putting yourself first. I told you you'd learn"

"That's called pressure, Jim."

"I wanted something, you wanted something different, and you put yourself first. Call it what you want", Jim replied. "Let's try again, only one more time for today. Do you want us to stay for the night, or you'd rather be alone?"

"Whatever you want." John shrugged, frowning slightly.

"I want you to be comfortable. I want you to feel safe. But I don't know what would achieve that. Only you can tell me that." He thought for a second. "This is not a test. There are not right or wrong answers, and I'm fine with either. So...it's up to you"

"Go home." John sighed. "He needs time, now." He whispered, barely audible.

"Okay. What about...we go out for dinner, while you think about it? About what you need? And then we come back, and decide what to do. How does that sound?"

John shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, I guess. Can you tell a nurse I need something for the pain, if they can give me it." 

"Of course" He glanced at Sherlock. He looked so sad, Jim couldn't let John see him right now "Only one more thing. Close your eyes and keep them closed until we leave the room", he said softly. 

John nodded with a frown and closed his eyes with a sigh, turning his head away.

"We'll be back in about an hour", he said, taking Sherlock's hand and walking to the door. Once outside, he told a nurse that John was in pain, and they left the hospital. They walked to the same place as the day before, and, again, Jim ordered for both of them. Sherlock didn't look up or speak, and ate mechanically what was in front of him. 

"Jim? Can I ask you something?"

Jim looked at him, surprised. "Of course"

"Can you...make me stronger? John said...that he didn't feel safe with me because he was worried of hurting me, and because I couldn't protect him. I want to be strong enough for him. I want to make him feel safe"

So much for not talking about it. "Sherlock, you are strong"

"Please"

Jim only knew one way to make somebody stronger. And it wasn't nice. "I'll think about it"

"Jim, I... _I need_ to be stronger. John wouldn't want me anymore if I am not. P...Please"

"John loves you, and you know that", Jim said gentil. 

"But he doesn't feel safe with me"

"What would you do, in order to achieve that?"

"Anything"

"Do you want to make him feel safe? You have to be confident. Start by looking people in the eyes when you talk to them. No more staring at the floor. And talk confidently. Think before speaking, so you don't hesitate"

Jim kept talking, explaining Sherlock how to show confidence. How to move and talk so people listened to him. Because Sherlock was strong, and Jim wouldn't hurt him to make him stronger. He just had to learn how to be more confident.

"But, Jim...even if I do all that, I'll still be scared"

"I know", Jim replied.

"Is that...what you do?"

Jim nodded. If you show confidence, people believe it. It worked for him.

"Are you...scared?"

Jim nodded again.

"But you are so...strong. Everybody fears you. You can fix everything"

"See? It works", Jim replied softly.

Silently, Sherlock took Jim's hand. It felt good. So good that Jim didn’t let it go.They walked back to the hospital, still holding hands.

"What if John doesn't want me to stay?"

"Then you don't stay", Jim stated. 

"No, I mean..."

"I know what you mean. What do you want more: him with you, or him happy?"

"Him happy", Sherlock replied immediately. 

"Then if he doesn't want us to stay, we leave"

Sherlock nodded, thoughtful.

"Now, remember what I told you. Stay calm. Or, at least, keep your face calm. Go on, knock", Jim said when they reached John’s room. 

Sherlock nodded again, and knocked at John's door.

"Come in." John called, eyes closed and voice choked.

Sherlock looked at Jim, who smiled reassuringly at him. He opened the door and tried to walk as Jim had told him to. "Hi", he said, sitting on the chair and looking at John.   
Jim entered after Sherlock, silently, and closed the door. He observed how Sherlock began to look away, and then forced himself to look at John. Suddenly, Jim wished he hadn’t told Sherlock anything. He didn’t want Sherlock to change. 

"Hey." John sighed, keeping his eyes closed. He was so tired.

"You look tired, you should sleep. Do you want us to stay?", Sherlock said, sounding strangely confident. Jim hated it. It didn’t sound like Sherlock, and the confidence didn’t reach his eyes. 

John frowned and opened his eyes, looking at Sherlock. "I'm fine without sleep." He assured nervously. 

Sherlock glanced at Jim nervously, took a deep breath and looked at John again.. "Do you want me to stay?", he asked.

"I.. " John faltered. "Up to you."

Sherlock looked at Jim. "Jim?"

"Up to you, he said.

"If it's up to me, I don't want to leave", Sherlock replied, clearly trying to hide his hesitation. "As long as you're comfortable with me here"

John shrugged nervously. "I guess so." He frowned, glancing at Jim.

Jim looked back at John. "Do you really want me to decide if you two can share a bed? It's easy, John. Say yes or no. Or yes with conditions, and name then."

John bit his lip and looked away. "...no."

"See? Not so hard, putting yourself first. We'll come back tomorrow, unless you say otherwise. Let's go, Sherlock"

Sherlock nodded, and stood up. "I love you", he told John.

"Love you too." John replied. Then he glanced at Jim. "See you."

Jim hesitated. "Sherlock? I need a word with John. Wait outside, please"

Sherlock looked at him, surprised. Without saying anything, he left the room and closed the door behind him.

"I...want to....ask you something", Jim said, nervous.

"What is it?"

"Maybe it doesn't need saying, and I know you would never do it on purpose. I trust you, but you aren't very good at lying, and..." No, wait. He stopped, and calmed before continuing. "Don't...give Greg anything else he can use to hurt me. He knows too much already, and...he knows how to use it". _Too much trauma_. He took another deep breath. Better.

"I'm not a fool, Jim. I know how it works and I wouldn't do that to you."

"I...know that", Jim answered. "I shouldn't have said anything". He trusted John. But all his instincts were telling him that he had been a fool for doing it. And, same as with Sherlock, he was always seeing hidden meanings in everything. Maybe this had only been a trap from Greg. Maybe Greg had been using John to gather information. No, no. He trusted John.

"Jim, calm down. I promised I would help you and keep you as safe as I can. " He reminded him. 

"I know", he repeated. "I trust you. I just...needed to hear it"

"I understand." John nodded.

"You always understand", he said with a smile. "See you tomorrow. I'll tell Molly to come, too"

"Sometimes I wish I didn't." John muttered ,but smiled at the mention of Molly.

"Call me if you need anything", Jim said, walking to the door. "And...thank you. For...letting me know that he wanted me around"

"Don't mention it." 

He wouldn't have come back without it, and Sherlock wouldn't have called him. But John already knew that. "Can't do this without you, either", he replied

"And I can't do it without you." John sighed.  
.  
There were a lot of things he wanted to tell John. But Sherlock was waiting, it was late, and he needed to sleep. "See you tomorrow, then"

"Hug him for me." He called, before Jim left 

Jim nodded, and left the room. Sherlock was waiting outside, looking miserable. 

"Let's go home, Sherlock"

Sherlock looked at him, and nodded. They walked silently to the car, and Jim hugged him. "John told me to hug you for him", he whispered. 

When he heard the words, Sherlock started to cry silently. Jim held him without saying anything. What was there to say?


	83. Chapter 83

Routine with Sherlock was getting easier. They didn’t talk much, but Jim did’t need words. Feeling Sherlock’s hand on his told him everything he needed to know. And yet...there was something slightly off in Sherlock’s body language. It wasn’t just sadness, or missing John. Sherlock was trying to do what Jim had told him. Not looking away, looking more confident. Jim hated it, because it felt fake. He loved Sherlock as he was. But it seemed to make Sherlock feel better, so he said nothing.

Sherlock ate dinner without saying he didn’t want to, and that made Jim relax a bit. Maybe he was better, after all. Later, in bed, they talked in whispers. About school, about John. About their relationship. It was easier that way, in the dark room, feeling each other’s body. Jim told him that he loved him again, and Sherlock kissed him. Trusting was difficult, but in the darkness and with Sherlock between his arms, it was easier.

"You didn't sleep last night", Sherlock said softly.

"No", Jim replied, because he had promised not to lie.

"Why?"

"I didn't want to wake you up", Jim explained. Again, the truth. 

"I don't mind", Sherlock said with another kiss. 

Sherlock really meant that, Jim realized. Sherlock really cared, he loved him. Jim kissed him back softly, and sighed, tired. Finally, exhausted, they both fell asleep.

Jim dreamt of Sherlock telling him to go away, and of John whispering his secrets to Greg. The images repeated again and again, and he couldn't wake up. It hurt worse than the memories of his father. Part of his mind could hear Sherlock’s voice, far away, but he couldn’t make up the words, and they mixed with his dream. Finally, he managed to wake up, and couldn’t help the tears coming to his eyes. He felt cold and alone, almost like when....

Something stopped his thoughts and memories. Warm arms holding him, firmly but not suffocating. And then soft lips against his. He tensed for a second, until he remembered. Sherlock. He relaxed, and kissed him back, trying to forget his dreams. 

When he calmed down, he felt mortified. Sherlock had seen him, had heard him. But...Sherlock kept kissing him, and said nothing. No questions, no silly wishes about it getting better. Just this quiet support. He lost himself in the kiss, until they both fell asleep again.

Waking up between Sherlock’s arms felt amazing. Jim didn’t move for a moment, just enjoying the sensation. He waited until they had to move or they’d be late for school, when the alarm of Sherlock’s phone woke him up.

“Morning”, Jim whispered, kissing his cheek. 

Sherlock smiled back, and hugged him. Then he checked his phone, and frowned.

“No news from John?”, Jim asked. 

Sherlock shook his head. 

“Well, that’s good news. He’ll be okay. Molly and Seb will visit after school, while we go to my place”, Jim explained, sitting up on the bed. 

Sherlock nodded, and sat up too. Jim sighed. “Go have a shower and I’ll make something for breakfast”, he said, kissing his cheek again. 

When Sherlock was gone, Jim got dressed quickly, and went to prepare breakfast for the two of them. Like always, Sherlock ate what was in front of him, and barely talked. And that difference in his body language was still there. Jim didn’t want Sherlock to change. He was so nice and innocent. Why had he said anything? 

In the car, Sherlock asked him about the deals he had planned for today. Jim hadn’t thought much about it. Since Sherlock, he found it difficult to ask for anything but a future favour and a promise to help somebody else. But he couldn’t tell Sherlock that, for some reason. So he told him about the kids that had asked for help, and what was being done. Maybe that would distract Sherlock. 

Something changed as soon as they got out of the car. Sherlock’s expression closed, and his body language turned....cold. Jim looked away, unsure, and lead the way to the entrance. 

He was so distracted that he gave Sherlock the wrong chemical in the lab. It ruined their experiment, but it wouldn’t take too long to start again. He was about to do it, when Sherlock shouted at him.

“What were you thinking!?”

Jim froze. He hated that tone of voice, that made him want to run and hide. But there was also something else in Sherlock’s voice. He was scared. Jim looked away, and, silently, restarted the experiment. 

After the class, They both behaved as if nothing had happened. Jim took Sherlock with him to talk to some people, and then went to the English class he shared wiht Sebastian. He looked worried. And Jim sighed internally. More trouble.

“Jim? What the hell happened? A group of kids wanted to beat Sherlock up for something he did to you”, Seb whispered nervously.

“What? He’s off limits, make sure everybody knows!” The mere idea of Sherlock being hurt made him sick. 

“Already did that. But...Jim? What’s going on?”

Jim didn’t reply. He had caused that, had made Sherlock change. 

“Just....tell me if I can help”, Sebastian said, worried.

Jim nodded, and thanked him. But he had to talk to Sherlock. He left the class as soon as he could, and went to wait for Sherlock at his classroom. “Sherlock? Come with me”

Sherlock looked at him with a weird expression, and nodded. 

It was lunch time, and the music room should be empty. He led Sherlock there, and closed the door behind them.

“Sherlock? Stop doing this. You don’t need to change, that’s....”

“Shut up! You have no idea! I-I need this! You heard John, he was right! I can’t protect him. How would he want to be with me when he feels he has to take care of me all the time?”

“Sherlock, that’s not....”

“I need to be stronger! Or at least....look like it! I...can’t lose him. You don’t understand!”

Jim flinched at Sherlock’s tone. He had promised him to stop hiding, but this hurt too much. It was too similar to the images in his dreams. “Sherlock, I...”

“Shut up! I need it!”

Jim swallowed, and studied Sherlock. He was almost trembling. Scared, and trying to hide it. Maybe Sherlock was right, and he needed it. “I’ll be in the cafeteria”, he whispered, looking away. He paused at the door. “Love you”, he added, leaving the room. 

He bumped into Molly, and stepped away, nervously. 

“Jim? What’s wrong?”

Jim took a deep breath, and kept his emotions out of his face. “Nothing. Come, let’s met Sebastian at the cafeteria”.

She nodded, worried. “People are saying a lot of weird things. Like...John hurt Sherlock, and Sherlock asked you for help to get rid of him. They say what Sherlock’s doing now is payment."

Jim sighed. Again, it fitted. It was something he could have done. Things were much easier before. 

Sebastian was waiting for them at the usual table, and Molly sat besides him. Jim sat down too, and ate with his eyes fixed at the door. He remembered how Sherlock had been last night, how good it had felt. And how he had reacted at school. If he had been anybody else, Jim would have done something. He couldn’t have people shouting at him in public. But it was Sherlock, and he needed this. 

Finally, Sherlock came in, looking cold and distant. At least he was safe, and sat with them at the table. As they did every day, Jim pushed his food closer to Sherlock. “Eat”, he muttered. 

“No.”

Jim looked up. Sherlock’s voice had sounded almost angry. He took a deep breath, and focused on his own food, ignoring Sebastian’s and Molly’s worried faces. 

“If you don’t eat, I’ll tell John”, Molly said firmly.

Relieved, Jim saw Sherlock beginning to eat. Hopefully that was a good sign.

Molly finished her food and stood up. She took Sebastian’s hand. “See you at the hospital”, she said, looking from one to the other.

Jim just nodded. He had no idea of how to fix this. 

“Jim?”

Jim looked up. Sherlock sounded like himself again. Mostly. His eyes were still scared, but Jim could only see it because he noticed any change in Sherlock’s expression. 

“Yes, Sherlock?”

“I...I’m sorry”

“I know.” Jim replied, tired. “Doesn’t this feel wrong for you too?”

Sherlock hesitated, and then nodded. “A bit. But....I need it”.

Jim sighed. “Go to your class, Sherlock. We’ll meet at the entrance to go to my house”. 

They had done it before. His mother liked Sherlock. Why was he so nervous suddenly? Jim ignored the thought, and spent the rest of his class trying not to think about Sherlock’s behaviour. Or John at the hospital. Or Greg. Or the assessment he’d have to do soon. So many things could go wrong. But....tonight, he’d wake up with Sherlock again. It was worth it.


	84. Chapter 84

They met at the entrance when the classes ended. Jim smiled at Sherlock, and, when Sherlock smiled back, he relaxed a bit. They walked to the car holding hands, but there was still something slightly off in Sherlock’s body language. Controlled, distant. Jim hated it.

“So...any news from John?”, Jim asked, hesitant.

Sherlock shook his head. “Nothing, but...that’s good, isn’t it? If something had happened...we’d know”

Jim wasn’t so sure, but nodded anyway. Why was the silence uncomfortable? “Sherlock? What’s wrong?”

“I need to be stronger”, Sherlock muttered. “You have to help me”

“Sherlock, you don’t have to change. John loves you how you are. I....do, too”, Jim replied, worried. But Sherlock didn’t aswer for a while. When he did, he looked sad and a bit angry.

“John needs me to be stronger. And you said you’d help”

Jim sighed. “I don’t know how to help you, Sherlock. And...to be honest, I don’t want to”, he explained. And then reminded himself that Sherlock was scared, and worried about John. That Sherlock hadn’t looked at him that way because he was angry at him, but out of worry and fear. It didn’t hurt any less. But Jim couldn’t let Sherlock see it. So he began to talk about their Maths project. Sherlock replied, but it wasn’t like before. After a moment, they both stopped talking until they reached Jim’s house.

Jim hesitated. “Sherlock? You don’t have to come. We can meet at the hospital”

Sherlock looked at him for a moment, and then took his hand. “No, it’s okay. She’s nice, and....you don’t like being alone with her”.

Jim didn’t, because it made him sad. There was so much his mother had lost. But the fact Sherlock had noticed made him smile. Feeling a bit better, he walked inside.

It went good, at first. His mother was awake, and calm. Sherlock relaxed a bit, trying to guess the words she couldn’t find. After a while, his mother said she was tired, and took a book, Jim wasn’t sure if she was reading or not, but she looked happy.

“Sherlock? We should go”

“Will you help me, then?”

Jim hesitated. “You don’t need help, Sherlock. You don’t need to change”.

“You promised!”

Jim flinched and the sudden change of tone. Had he promised? He couldn’t remember. Everything was so confusing lately. “Sherlock, I...think we should go”, he repeated, getting up.

“I can’t! Don’t you see it? I need to be stronger. John needs me to be stronger, and YOU PROMISED!”

Jim took a step back. He didn’t know what to do when Sherlock was like this. Sherlock loved him. Why was he doing this? “Sherlock, I...”

“I need your help! You....You said you’d help!”

Jim took a step back, nervous. “Don’t. Sherlock, don’t do this. I....”

“Stay away from him!”

Jim stared at his mother. She had got up and was standing between Sherlock and him. Defending him. Jim could only remember that happening once, and it had ended with her badly hurt.

“Don’t touch Jimmy!”

Jim saw Sherlock’s expression changing. Suddenly, he looked very young, and scared. And his mother....she was going to hit him. Sherlock seemed to be frozen, and Jim couldn’t let Sherlock get hurt. So he grabbed his hand and pushed Sherlock behind himself. And then his mother hit him. It hurt. Not his face, he had had much worse. But the horrified expression on his mother’s face was too much for him. “Sherlock. Go”, he said, walking to his mother.

“J....Jim?”

“GO!”

Jim took his mother’s hand, and slowly, led her to her bedroom. The nurse was there, and, between the two of them, they got her into the bed. Jim turned to see Sherlock in the corridor. “Sherlock, go to the hospital. I...I’ll see you there”, he said nervously.

“But, Jim, I....”

“Just go! Do what I say, no questions asked. You said you’d do it. GO!”

Sherlock paled, and walked to the entrance. He paused once more, and looked at Jim. “Jim, I....”

“Sherlock. Leave. Now”

Sherlock nodded once, and left.

Jim closed his eyes, listening to his mother crying in the room. He couldn’t face her. Not now. His face hurt. And he had his physical evaluation soon. They’ll see the bruise. And the mark on his arm. They’d send him away, back to the centre. Jim bit his lip, and waited until he heard Sherlock’s car going away. Only then he broke down. He couldn’t face being sent back. It was too much. He sobbed, run to his room. It was so empty. All his things were in Sherlock’s house. He closed the door, and sat on the floor with his back against the wall. Only then he allowed himself to cry.

 

Jim had no idea of how long he stayed like that. But finally he recovered enough to realize he needed help. He took his phone, unsure. His first reaction was Sherlock, but...no. Right now he didn’t want to see Sherlock. John. But John couldn’t leave the hospital. Seb or Molly. He sighed. Seb wouldn’t ask any questions, and would be there for him, doing whatever he needed. Molly....she might be able to help him figure out what to do with Sherlock.

Can you come to my house?-Jim

He bit his lip, and stared at the screen until the answer came.

On my way. Molly

Jim felt a bit better. Slowly, he got up and walked downstairs. Everything was in silence. He walked outside, and sat down at the entrance, waiting for Molly.

When Molly arrived, she sat besides him in silence, and took his hand. Jim squeezed it, feeling a bit better.

“Jim? What’s wrong?”, she asked, worried.

Jim sighed. “Sherlock....shouted at me in front of my mother, and she....tried to hit him. She hit me instead, because I put myself between them”, Jim muttered, feeling tears forming in his eyes again.

Molly hugged him. Jim buried his face in Molly’s neck, and sobbed. “They’re sending me away, Molly. I...I can’t go back. I can’t”

“Back where?”

Jim didn’t reply. He couldn’t. He had no idea of how to began to explain it. But being like this with Molly helped him calm down. “I....I’m going to...wash my face”, he muttered, getting up. When Molly nodded, he went inside, and washed his face with cold water, trying to regain control over himself. After about a minute, Jim heard a soft knock at the door.

"Jim? John is on the phone, he wants to talk with you"

Jim took another deep breath, and looked his face on the mirror. Then he opened the door and took the phone Molly gave him.

"John?"

John huffed a sigh of relief. "What's going through your head?" He asked simply.

"I..." He stopped, ordering his thoughts. And then he looked at Molly, not sure if he wanted her to know. If they knew that his mother had hit him, and saw his arm , they'd send him away. Back there. No, no, he couldn't allow that to happen. "Medical exam. Probably next week", he answered, assuming Sherlock had told John what had happened. 

"Makeup." John replied instantly. "Ice, creams. I have them. It will be fine. You'll be clear in three days, max. If not, makeup."

John's confidence made him calm down. "Of course, I...I should have thought about that." He looked at Molly again. "Can you...leave me alone? I want to...talk with John. My room is upstairs, you could..."

Molly nodded, and left, smiling at him reassuringly.

"Will you...help me?", he asked John.

"Of course I will." John promised. "I'll do everything I can. Like you have for me."

"My mother had never....", he said, unsure. "I...I couldn't think" He took another breath. "How is Sherlock?"

"You know she didn't mean to." John assured gently. "He's fine."

Well, if Sherlock was fine, at least that was something less to worry about. And the nurse had surely given his mother something to help her calm down. "Tell him that...I mean what I said. I wasn't lying"

"I will. I doubt you'll tell me what that means, but I'll tell him anyway."

"It's him who has to tell it", Jim replied. "So...ice, and make up, and hope nobody notice?"

"I have a cream in my bag that should get rid of it in two or three days, as well, so if you want that I can give it to Molly or Sebastian to give to you."

Tomorrow was Friday. And if he had to go tomorrow, they'd have called him by now. And it won't be during the weekend. Three days...yes, he had that time. "Are you sure it will work?"

"It always worked for me, and I'm pretty sure mine were worse."

"Yes, it's...just a bruise. It's not...too bad.", he answered. Why had it affected him this much? "Thank you"

"It's not a problem. And Jim.. It'll be okay."

"I know. It still doesn't feel..." He stopped again. "I know", he repeated more firmly."What do i do about...Sherlock? Should I...go there?"

“Well.. I don't really know what's happened so it's down to you two. Do you want to?"

"Right now? I don't know. I...I love him, but...If he shouts at me again today it will be...too much", Jim replied honestly. 

"Why.. Why did he do it in the first place?" John asked quietly.

"Because...I refused to do something he wanted me to do. He...You know what? He should be the one who tells you. Maybe it would be enough to take that stupid idea out of his mind. Tell him...what I told you to say. That I meant it and wasn't lying. And that I want him to tell you. I...I'll go there, with Molly, in a while. Maybe...it's time I...talk to her about...some things from my past". Molly deserved to know. Seb too. 

"Maybe that's best. I'll ask now. Just... look after yourself until you get here. I'll help you out as much as I can." 

"I know", Jim answered, smiling weakly. "And...thank you. I'll text you when we are close to the hospital"

"Good. I'll talk to you then. See you." 

Jim hung up and put his phone down, smile falling. Time to talk to Molly, and try to fix things with Sherlock. Feeling really tired, he headed to his room.


	85. Chapter 85

Jim entered his room, realising how empty it was. All his things were at Sherlock’s, even his laptop. There was no decorations, no pictures. Just a bed and a desk. Molly was standing in the middle of the room, and turned around when he entered, looking worried. 

“Jim?”

Jim sighed, and sat one the bed besides her. “I’m fine”, he said, trying to convince himself. 

“Jim, what’s going on? Is Sherlock....treating you okay?”

Jim looked at her, surprised. He’d never had thought about it that way. “He..loves me”, he said, unsure.

“Not what I asked”

“Molly, he....makes me happy. You know when...” he paused, and looked at her. Of course she knew. She was clever, and noticed these things. “...when I stayed at your place, you know why....I never slept?”

Molly looked at him for a moment. “Nightmares?”

Jim nodded. “Bad ones. Sherlock...he makes me feel safe. Loved. I...like taking care of him. This is difficult for him, with John being in the hospital, and...” he shrugged. “He practically lives alone”, he explained.

Molly nodded, and waited patiently for him to go on. Jim relaxed a bit. It was easier to talk to somebody who didn’t ask questions all the time. “I...my family was...not a very good place to grow up”, he added. He wanted to tell her, but he had no idea of where to start. 

“I know. Seb and I...talk about it some times. He’s worried too”.

Jim nodded, and smiled at her. It made him happy to know they were together, taking care of each other. “Have you heard the rumours at school?”, he said softly.

She snorted. “Which ones? I heard you’re from the mafia. Or...you and John fought to death for Sherlock”

Jim couldn’t help but to laugh at Molly’s expression. But them he took a deep breath, and shook his head. “The...professor’s case”, he whispered. “The rumours saying I was that kid”.

Molly paled slightly, and nodded, But there was no pity on her face. Why had he waited so long to tell her? He explained her about her father, and a bit about being sent to a centre, without much detail. And about the evaluation he was about to have. She didn’t ask for more information, and, at some point, she took his hand. 

“Does Seb know?”, she whispered.

He shook his head, and then shrugged. “I haven’t told him. Could you...do it for me? I don’t want to remember it again, and...I should have told him ages ago”.

Molly nodded, and hugged him. It felt good. Not as good as when Sherlock did it, or as when John did, but it made him feel better. “I should go back”, he said after a while. He had fo fix things with Sherlock, somehow. 

They headed to the hospital shortly after, and when they were almost there Jim texted John to let him know they were on their way. 

They met Sebastian in the corridor next to John’s room, carrying two coffees. Jim glanced at Molly, wondering if he should let her hand go. He didn’t want to cause trouble between she and Seb. But when Sebastian saw them, he just looked at Jim’s face. Jim frowned, wondering how bad it looked. 

“Jim? You okay?”

Jim nodded. “I....yeah. How are they?”

Sebastian kissed Molly’s cheek, and glanced at John’s door. “Not very good. They...had a fight, about you”.

Jim tensed. He have no idea of what to do if Sherlock and John fought. “How bad is it?”

“I...I’m not sure. Sherlock...hurt John. He showed him a scratch on his own arm, and John said he had to do it now. Sherlock looked sick, and I asked John what was that about, but they didn’t listen.”

Jim groaned. Of all the times Sherlock could chose to tell John. “What happened?”

“Sherlock scrathed John’s arm, and then apologized. And not just for that. He...” Sebastian shrugged. “It looked as if he was apologizing for existing. I decided to leave them alone, to let them talk about things without me being there. Not that it stopped them before, but....” he shrugged. “...I offered to get coffee”.

Jim nodded, frowning. “Molly? John can only have three visitors. Maybe you and Sebastian could.....talk about what I told you”

“Are you sure?”, she asked.

Jim nodded, and let Molly’s hand go. He glanced at the door again. “John can only have three visitors at the same time”, he repeated after a moment. 

Molly and Sebastian looked to each other. “We’ll say goodbye, so you can come in”, Molly said. 

“Call if you need something. Anything”, Sebastian added, worried. 

Jim nodded again. “Thank you. Both of you”, he said softly realising how much both of them cared about him.

He waited outside until Seb and Molly came out. Then he smiled at them, took a deep breath and walked into the room. 

As soon as he was inside, both John and Sherlock got quiet, and stared at him. Jim touched the bruise, feeling self conscious, and tried to ignore Sherlock’s expression. He looked at John instead, and, relieved, noticed that he was calm. 

John pointed to his bag. "Front pocket. Arnica cream." 

"Thank you", Jim said, meaning more than the cream. He had almost panicked before. He opened the pocket and took the cream. It was half empty, and the idea of John having used it, knowing how to use it, made him sad. "Three days, you said?", he asked softly

"No problem. Three days at most. Works on scarring too, actually.", John replied. 

Sherlock stood and walked to Jim. "Can I...do it?"

Jim hesitated. He didn't want Sherlock to touch him right now. But....Sherlock seemed to need it. "Yes", he said, finally, trying to relax. Sherlock was trying to make amends, after all. He wouldn’t hurt him. 

Sherlock started to extend the cream over the bruise, carefully. His contact was so soft and hesitant. It showed Jim how much Sherlock cared. And yet...right now it felt slightly invasive. He closed his eyes, trying to control his reaction. 

Sherlock stopped, almost immediately. "Jim?"

"Go on", Jim said without moving. 

"Okay", Sherlock whispered. The fingers on Jim’s face began to move again. Barely touching the skin now. For some reason, it made Jim want to cry.   
"I want to...make things right. This was...my fault. What can I do to...fix this?"

Jim opened his eyes, and looked at Sherlock. He looked so miserable. Jim wasn’t good with emotions, but....this....a deal. This was familiar, and made Jim relax. "Let me think about it", he said, feeling a bit more in control.

Sherlock nodded, and sat besides John, who shifted in the bed, watching Jim. "Seb offered me a job in his family's shop." 

Jim smiled at the change of topic, grateful, and sat on the chair. "That's great. His parents are really nice".

"They sound it. I'm pretty excited for it." John admitted.

"You'll like them. I go there for dinner sometimes. Seb's mother is always saying I'm too thin", Jim said with a smile.

John chuckled, smiling. "That's nice, though."

"Yes....I spent a lot of time there, when...things were....difficult with my mother"

John nodded in understanding. "I'm glad you had them."

"I...haven't realised how many people I have in my life", Jim replied.

"More than you thought, huh?"

"This is going to sound stupid, but...I thought I had nobody"  
"Now you have a lot.", John said, smiling at him. 

Jim nodded, and, finally, he felt calm enough to look properly at Sherlock. He looked...scared of him, and Jim didn't like that. "Okay, Sherlock. We'll talk about it f you want to", he said, hoping this would work. 

Sherlock nodded. "I...I'm sorry about what happened today. But...I know that an apology is not...enough for you. how do I make this right?"

Well, at least they had a way to solve their problems. As he had told John, it wasn't...the best way. But deals made things feel right for Jim. You did something wrong, you have to compensate it. And...strangely, it worked with Sherlock, too. "Fine. first, we'll stay in my house tonight, unless John wants us to stay here. In that case, tomorrow. You....apologize to my mother. She won't remember, but you do it anyway. And...you kiss me while she is looking", he added, remembering how seeing that calmed her. 

"I'll do that. Anything else?"

"Next time I tell you that you should leave when I'm talking to John, think carefully what you do. This is why...we talk more openly when you are not listening. Neither of us want to hurt you, and you are not ready to hear some things. You promised to act as if you didn't know what we said, and..."

Sherlock looked down, ashamed. "I...I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry. It's...how you are"

"I didn't...want to shout at you"

"I know, Sherlock" He hesitated. "There's...something else. Unless John's skill with make up is really good, I can't go to school tomorrow"

"Why not?"

Jim didn't reply, and waited for Sherlock to deduce it.

"Seb said...he had to...stop some people. Everybody saw me....shouting at you. If they see you....they would assume that...I did it"

Jim nodded. 

"But...wouldn't it look worse if...you didn't go?"

"No if you stay with Seb, and...talk to some people in my name. Remember that girl from Tuesday? Make sure she's okay. And do what Seb tells you"

"It doesn't...feel enough", Sherlock muttered

Jim looked at him. "Sherlock...it is for me. What else do you want to do?"

"I...don't know", he replied, looking lost.

"Okay. Something else, then. Go and eat something." Sherlock needed to eat more, he was still to thin to be healthy. 

Sherlock nodded, and left to get some food.


	86. Chapter 86

Jim looked at the door for a moment after Sherlock had left, hoping that he’d be okay. Then he turned to Jim "So...how good are you with make up?" he asked, trying to talk about something that wasn't Sherlock.

"Pretty good. Pass me my bag." John instructed. "I can't move now, but if you come closer I'll see what I can do. I used to have to do this a lot."

"It's not just about school. I don't want my mother to see it", he replied, doing as John had said. She probably wouldn't remember, but seeing him hurt could trigger bad memories, and Jim didn’t want that to happen.

"I know. I'll tell you what I'm doing as I do it." He opened a side pocket in his bag, revealing an array of different concealers and powders and small brushes. "Took them from my sister." He explained, finding one light enough toned for Jim with pursed lips. He looked at the bruise for a moment and got a green cover stick and a pink one.  
"Okay, green get's rid of any redness. Pink get's rid of darkness or discolouration, aka, bruises. I'm going to mix a bit of both and see if that works first. It will blend out, trust me. Just.. It will hurt to apply." he warned.

"She...was trying to protect me, John", he replied. "And...seeing me hurt is difficult for her. I don't mind pain. Go on"

 

"She's a good woman." John fell silent and put some of both product on the back of his hand. He gave Jim a small mirror. "Watch." he instructed, mixing them together to make a light, off flesh toned colour. He added a bit of concealer and it went more Jim's colour. He hummed in approval of the colour and used a brush to pick some up and began at the edges of the bruise, where it was least dark. He slowly built the coverage as he got closer to the centre, brows furrowed in concentration.

It hurt, but not more than Sherlock with the cream. Jim watched carefully as John worked, trying not to move

When John was done, it was still a bit visible. He got more concealer and a different brush for stippling. He patted concealer on the brush and then began to lightly pat it on the bruise, the dark colour fading completely. He got sponge and translucent powder and patted it on lightly to set it. "There. That okay?"

"It's...impressive", Jim replied honestly. "My mother won't notice at all, unless she looks closely, and I won't let her. But....I won't be able to repeat it", he added. "And...I won't risk Sherlock's safety by going to school tomorrow."

John nodded. "I understand. You can stay with me tomorrow if you want. I could show you how to use this stuff for again."

"Yes, that would be great", Jim replied with a smile. The idea of staying on his own the whole day, either at Sherlock’s or at his own house made him slightly anxious. He looked at his face in the mirror. He could see traces of the bruise, but only because he knew it was there. "I told Molly....about my father", he said, putting the mirror down. "You were right. It made me feel better"

"That's really good. How did she take it?" John asked gently, taking the mirror.

"She tried to act surprised. I think she had guessed some of it. Not the details, of course. And..i didn't tell her much, just the...general facts. I also told her that she can tell Seb."

"I suppose that's good, though. She never thought any different of you."

"I didn't know who else I could ask for help. You...had to stay here, I couldn't leave my mother alone, and...I shouted at Sherlock to leave."

"Molly is always a good choice. She always seems to know more than she lets on."

Jim looked at John, wondering what he and Molly had talked about when she had visited. "I know. Where do you think I went after Sherlock kissed me that first time? I couldn't go home, and being alone was...a bad idea"

John nodded, and looked up when the door opened. The doctor came in, file in hand. "We have your results, John." He said, looking up from reading the file. He rose a brow at the make up but said nothing. "Would you like to hear it alone or with Jim here?" he asked.

John glanced at Jim. "With him here."

Jim was surprised at that. He shouldn't, John had proved several times that he trusted him. He wanted to offer support, but not to touch John if he didn't want it, so he put his hand on the bed, close to John's, like he had done the day before. John didn't take the hand but put his own hand next to it just in case.

The doctor talked for a long time, and it was clear that he was trying to be delicate by using complicated words. But what Jim understood was that John would be okay. And then the doctor looked at their hands for a second, and looked at John again, warning him that he shouldn’t have anal intercourse for two months, or it might hurt him.

John blushed deeply, looking uncomfortable, and Jim decided to talk about something different. 

“When can he leave?", Jim asked in a calm tone, as John looked at him gratefully.

"Between two and two and a half weeks. We need to monitor him and deal with his eating habits and psychological issues."

That was bad. "He had been eating regularly for the last month. He'll be fine once he's out of here", he tried, knowing that it wouldn't work.

The doctor sighed. "How regular? He is dangerously underweight and his lack of nutrition is staggering."

"His boyfriend ate with him at school, and I cooked dinner most days. He...was much thinner before"

"And how much would he eat?"

"Not much, at first. He used to just taste it. Then, a bit more each day. About...two thirds of it, last week"

The doctor clicked his tongue. "As good as that is, it will take a lot more. I'm guessing you don't get hungry and just eat because you have to?" He asked John.

John bit his lip and nodded minutely. "I guess.."

"We'll need to change that and it will take a while. You’re going to talk to a psychologist”

Jim could help John with that. But strangely, John didn’t seem to mind that. Maybe...it was a good thing, after all. The doctor talked a bit more about John’s body needing food to heal, as if he didn’t know that. Finally, he left and closed the door behind him.

John sank into the bed and took Jim's hand, staring at the ceiling.

"Could be worse", Jim said softly.

"It was always going to happen." He shrugged. "Just different when it's actually said to you.."

"Yes", he replied. "Do you want to...talk about it?"

John shook his head, closing his eyes against tears that threatened. "Just.. Thanks for taking me here, in the first place. I-I would have been worse otherwise”.

Jim squeezed John's hand softly. "John? Look at me"

He shook his head again, biting his lip.

"Okay", he replied. "Then just listen. Things are going to get better now. Two more weeks here means closer to your birthday, closer to 18. You’ll have a job, and you can stay with Sherlock or with me". Well, if he was still here. He tried not to think about that. "You told me you have some money, and I have, too. It will be fine"

"I-I don't want to deal with this, Jim." He admitted. "I don't think I can. I can't stand these people looking at me and touching at me and making me eat."

"Of course you can", Jim answered. "It's just food. It's not important. Only something you need to be healthy. And...I'll be here, and help you as much as I can". He hesitated. Maybe if John knew, it would help him. "My father...used food as a reward. I could only eat when he decided I deserved it. I never knew how long did I have to eat, or if he would take the food away before I could finish it." He took a deep breath, dismissing the memories. "Of course you can do this. Don't look...to far away. Focus on today. That helps"

John grimaced at that new piece of information. "I'll try," He sighed, giving Jim's hand a squeeze.

"You are much stronger than I was when I was found. You'll be fine"

"Question is, do I want to be fine?"

"And what's the answer? Think about...last Saturday. Don't you want...that?"

John sighed and nodded. "I guess, but at the same time I don't want to have to deal with all of this.."

"I know", he replied. "But...I need you to try."

John swallowed thickly. "I know."

"I need you. And...somebody has to take care of Sherlock if..."

"Hey, don't think like that. We'll look after him together. You need to be here."

"I want to be here. I'll try. But...there's a possibility, and we both know it"

"It's the same for both of us right now."

"I know", Jim repeated, as he heard the door opening.  
Sherlock came in, and stared at their hands for a second, looking hurt. Jim felt guilty about it. He knew that John didn’t want Sherlock to touch him now, and that was making Sherlock miserable. But...John needed the contact, so Jim didn’t move his hand. Maybe he could talk to Sherlock later.   
"Your....your face. It looks...normal", Sherlock said softly

"John covered the bruise with make up"

"Something is wrong. Did...something happen?", Sherlock asked, looking from one to the other.

"Doctor came in. I'm going to be here for up to three weeks“, John muttered.

Sherlock studied their faces, frowning. "Okay", he said, finally. 

John nodded silently, trying to act like he was half asleep.

"No, John. Don't do that. If you don't want to talk, say it. If you want me or him to leave, say it. But...we agreed on no more lies", said Sherlock softly.

"How is me nodding, me lying?"

"You are hiding something. And you were pretending to be asleep so i didn't ask"

"Sherlock...."

"It's true. I don't want...that, for us. No....hiding, no lying. How can we trust each other if we do that?"  
"Can you just drop it for now, please." John snapped.

"Fine", Sherlock replied, tense, "Do you want me to leave?", he asked, trying to remain calm.

"No." John sighed, looking as if he was about to cry.

"I want another...rule" said Jim softly, remembering what John had said about Sherlock. Stay even if he wants you to go.

"Yes?"

"No leaving each other alone when something bad happens. Even if...we are asked to leave. I...didn't want you to leave before, Sherlock. I...needed somebody. Let's assume that we all want the other two close, until the opposite is said. And by said I mean...calmly, and when things are fine"

Sherlock looked him in the eyes. "I like that"

"I always thought that was a given." John sighed. "But, okay."

"Well, it should be. But...I was...scared, before, and told Sherlock to leave. And...he had promised to do what I told him to do"

John nodded. "I know." He assured. "But, it's settled now."

"I...should have stayed", Sherlock replied. "I don't..."

"Say it. You don't...what?", Jim asked. He really should talk with Sherlock, but...his opinion mattered too much, and it scared him. 

"I don't....understand. Why are you so scared? It's just a bruise"

"I..." Jim squeezed John's hand again. He hated talking about this. "You...you know that after...they found me, I was sent to...a specialised centre"

"Yes, you told me"

"It wasn't a...nice place. I was there for more than a year and a half, and..." He stopped, and took a deep breath. "When I was admitted, my mother signed some papers, basically giving them power over me. I have to prove that I'm capable of a normal life, whatever that is. If I'm out when I turn 18, they can't make me go back. But if it's decided that i'm not...recovered...and I'm still under age, they can do what they want to me. There are physical and psychological exams, and they'll talk to the teachers, and to my friends. That is, who I told them are my friends. And...to my mother. She...wasn't this bad last year"

"I could...help. Talk to them", Sherlock offered

"I asked John to do it. And...I don't think that having the same boyfriend than my friend is precisely a normal life. If you do this, you have to talk about me as if we weren't together"

"I...I can do that"

"I'll think about it"

"That goes for you too, John. If they ask...Sherlock is your boyfriend."

He nodded slowly. "Got it." He assured.

"And... I'm not going back there. So if things...go bad, I'm running away"

"You'll come back to me", Sherlock whispered. 

Jim smiled at that. "Of course".

"Hopefully nothing will go wrong.", John said, worried

"Yes. It's just an...emergency plan", Jim replied

Sherlock nodded, and, hesitant, took Jim’s hand. "And what about John? What's going to happen now?"

"Well...he has to stay here about two or three weeks. After that...I'm not sure", Jim replied, squeezing Sherlock’s hand.

"Maybe they'll let you stay with me", Sherlock whispered.

"It's not looking very hopeful." John admitted.

“Just focus on recovering, John. We’ll worry about everything else afterwards”.

John nodded, tired. “You should go, it’s getting late”

"John? If you are not alright during the night...call us, please", whispered Sherlock.

"I will." He assured. "But, I'll be fine."

"Of course you will", Jim said with a smile. "Let's go, Sherlock. We have to go to your home to take some clothes."

"We are staying at your house, then"

"Yes"

Reluctantly Jim let go John's hand. And then he saw the red skin on his wrist, under the rubber band. "Sherlock? Do you have a pen?"

Sherlock nodded, and gave it to him. Jim drew- well, something vaguely resembling- a butterfly on John's wrist.

"This.. This doesn't count as me hurting myself properly does it?", John whispered

"I don't think so. But it still hurts you. So maybe you could try not to...do it very often", Jim said softly.

"I don't do it that much." John mumbled. "But I'll try."

"It's fine if you can't. I wanted to...give you something", he shrugged, giving Sherlock the pen.

Sherlock looked at John, and at the pen on his hand. "Can I?" he asked, unsure.

John hesitated but nodded and held out his other hand as offering. "Sure."

Sherlock made the drawing around the place where he has scratched John, carefully avoiding to touch him more than necessary. "I'm really sorry about that", he whispered

"It had to be done." John assured, leaning over to kiss Sherlock's cheek.

"Thank you", Sherlock said, smiling at John.

"Now go on you two. And make sure to have dinner. No objections."

"You too", Sherlock replied, still smiling. "I love you"

"Love you too." John replied, smiling back.

Jim took Sherlock's hand. "We have to go. See you tomorrow, John"

"See you." 

Jim felt much better than before. The bruise would be gone in time for the physical exam, and...talking to Molly had helped. Besides, Sherlock looked...himself again. Maybe things would be okay after all.


	87. Chapter 87

“Jim? I...I’m sorry”, Sherlock whispered as soon as they left the room.

Jim looked him in the eyes and, after a moment, took his hand. “What do I always tell you about the deals?”, he asked softly.

“...that....if I do something in exchange....it’s fair”.

Jim nodded. “We’ll fix this, okay?”, he said, trying to sound confident.

Sherlock nodded, and, holding hands, they got into the car. After a moment, Jim relaxed. This was familiar. After a moment, he put his arm around Sherlock’s shoulders, and Sherlock leaned into him. Maybe they could do this, after all. 

They went to Sherlock's house, and Sherlock took some clothes for the next day. Jim hesitated for a moment, remembering that all his things were here, and took a bag too.

Sherlock looked at him, surprised. “Aren’t we going to your house?”

Jim nodded. “Yes, but...I brought most of my things”, he said, feeling a bit nervous. It made him remember that this was just temporary. As soon as John was okay, he had to go back home.

Sherlock smiled warmly at him, and took his hand again. It felt as good as it always did. Without thinking, Jim kissed him. But something was wrong, because Sherlock wasn’t kissing him back. He pulled away, and looked at Sherlock. “Are you....”

“You forgave me. For real”, Sherlock whispered, amazed. 

“I told you it was okay”, Jim said, confused. Maybe he hadn't understood how relationships worked. 

“Yes, but....”

“I won’t lie to you, Sherlock. I promised”, Jim replied. “Now kiss me”, he added, smiling. For some reason it was easier when he told Sherlock what to do. 

They kissed for a while, and, when they left the house, it was dark and Jim was feeling much better. 

Then they went to Jim’s house, and part of his good mood vanished, remembering her mother’s tears.

Sherlock looked at him nervously. "So...you want me to apologize"

"Yes", Jim replied.

"To your mother...or to you in front of her?"

"That's your choice", Jim replied, feeling a bit anxious. Whatever Sherlock did would be okay. He only wanted to make his mother feel better, and both things would achieve that.

Sherlock looked at Jim, and nodded. Then, holding hands, they entered Jim's house.

His mother was in her bedroom, and she looked exhausted. “Mum?”, Jim asked nervously, squeezing Sherlock’s hand. 

His mother looked at their hands and smiled. “Jimmy. You brought your friend”.

Jim nodded, and looked at Sherlock.

“...I...came to apologise. To both of you. I...was nervous before, and....I shouldn’t have said any of that”, Sherlock said in a whisper, blinking a bit to fast.

Jim sighed, and wiped the tears with his thumb. “It’s okay, love”, he whispered tenderly.

“Jimmy! Are you two dating?”

Jim turned to see his mother. She was smiling, and looked happy. “Yes, mum”, he said, smiling shyly. “This is Sherlock”, he said once more. His mother didn’t remember, some times.

It was easy after that. His mother was happy, and she insisted in getting up. They made dinner together, and Sherlock ate without Jim needing to say anything. Jim didn’t think this kitchen had heard this much conversation ever. Finally his mother went back to bed after kissing Sherlock’s cheek and whispered something in his ear that made him blush and smile. 

Jim took his hand again, and led him to his room, texting John on his way.

 

"He apologized, and my mother cooked dinner for us. How are you?-Jim"

"That's good. I'm fine. Ate a while ago. - John"

Still smiling, Jim put his phone back in his pocket. 

“Is John okay?”, Sherlock asked.

Jim nodded. “Yes. He said he ate. And he promised to tell us if something went wrong”.

“I know. I just.....” he sighed. “He trust you, more than he trusts me”.

“No. He trusts me with different things, the same you trust me and him with different things”, Jim replied softly.

Sherlock nodded, thoughtful, and studied the room. It made Jim slightly self conscious. 

“You were right, there’s not much left in here”.

“I...don’t have many things. Don’t need them”, Jim replied.

Sherlock turned to him, lost in thoughts. “This place...is not....you”

“What do you mean?”

“People’s rooms....show how people are, a bit”, Sherlock explained. “This room doesn’t show anything”. 

Jim smiled at that. “Look at me. What do you see?”

Sherlock looked at him for a while. “I see....tiny things, now. But when we met...I didn’t see anything. You....hid”.

“I did”, Jim admitted. “It was safer”.

“You don’t have to hid from me”

“I know. And I promised you I wouldn’t”, Jim said softly. “I’m not hiding”, he replied, taking Sherlock’s hands. 

“Can I...look at you? Without clothes?”, Sherlock asked shyly. 

Jim hesitated, and looked at Sherlock. His cheeks were red and he was staring at the floor. Slowly, he took Sherlock’s hands to his lips, and then to the buttons of his shirt. “...yes”, he said when Sherlock’s hands didn’t move.

They took off each other’s clothes, and it wasn’t as difficult as Jim thought it would be. 

It felt....weird, and made him feel exposed and vulnerable. But there was so much love in Sherlock’s eyes. Sherlock didn’t touch him, just...observed him. It worried Jim a bit, but it felt right at the same time. “Hug me?”, he said after a while. Sherlock’s body was so beautiful. And Sherlock had scars too. Some of them were in his back. Not self inflicted. 

He stopped thinking when Sherlock hugged him. It felt so...intimate. Warm and comfortable. Jim had never felt this close to another person.

They just hugged and kissed, but it felt better than anything Jim remembered doing. Later, in bed, with his arms still wrapped around a sleeping Sherlock, Jim realised he felt....happy. Sherlock was fine. He was back to his normal self and was sleeping between his arms. In his bed. For some reason it felt different than being in Sherlock's house. John was better, and had eaten. His mother had smiled at them. Exhausted, but happy, Jim closed his eyes.

He slept deeply, and without a trace of a nightmare.


	88. Chapter 88

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay...it's been a crazy week

Jim woke up several hours later, when somebody whispered his name in his ear. He opened his eyes and couldn’t help a smile. Sherlock was here, and Jim felt strangely rested. "Sherlock", he said, smiling. Before he could say anything else, he felt Sherlock's lips on his. He kissed Sherlock back, happy. 

After a moment, he felt Sherlock tensing a bit. “What’s wrong?”, he asked, breaking the kiss.

“I....nothing”

Jim looked him in the eyes. “Sherlock? Tell me”

Sherlock looked away, and Jim kissed his cheek. “Tell me”, he repeated.

“I...I don’t....know what to do with my hands”, Sherlock muttered.

Jim frowned, trying to understand. “Do you...want me to stop?”

“No! No, I....I like this”.

“Then what? Hold your hands? Tell you what to do?”, he said, not knowing what Sherlock wanted. Strangely, his words made Sherlock blush. “...yes”

Yes what? Jim studied Sherlock’s face for a moment, looking for clues. Then, slowly, he moved his hands to Sherlock’s wrists, and held them. It felt....good. It made him feel in control. Sherlock couldn’t touch him without him knowing, and.. He paused, and focused on Sherlock again. His body had relaxed, and he was looking at Jim with a strange expression. 

“Does it....feel right for you too?”, Jim asked softly.

Sherlock nodded. “Jim, I....I don’t know why, but....”

“Hush, don’t worry about it now. Just tell me if it feels good”, he replied, wanting to see that calm expression on Sherlock’s face again. 

“Can you....?”

Jim brushed Sherlock’s wrist with his thumb. “Tell me”, he said softly. “This is new for me too”. 

“Tighter?”, Sherlock whispered shyly.

Jim kissed him softly, and they experimented how it felt better for Sherlock. Well, for both of them. It was weird, and Jim wasn’t very sure of what he was doing, but....it felt good, and it was Sherlock, who loved him. 

Somehow, he ended up holding Sherlock’s wrists with one hand, and touching his body with the other one. Sherlock looked so....relaxed and open. It amazed him how much he trusted him.

Afterwards, he hugged Sherlock again. It felt so good.

“You broke my watch”, Sherlock said, smiling shyly. 

“I...I’m sorry”

“It was worth it”, Sherlock replied, softly.

Jim smiled at that, and kissed him again. “Go, or you’ll be late for school”, he whispered.

“I don’t mind”

“But I do. I need you to be safe. And...stay with Sebastian and Molly, okay?”

Sherlock nodded, and hugged him again. “I’ll see you at the hospital”

Jim nodded, and watched him get dressed with a smile on his lip. How had he broken Sherlock’s watch? He hadn’t even noticed. Then he frowned. “Sherlock? Come here a moment”.

Sherlock went close to him. “Is something wrong?”

Jim didn’t answer, and took Sherlock’s hands. He examined his wrists, looking for bruises.

“I’m fine, Jim. I would have said something if you’d hurt me”

Jim looked at him, and nodded. “Then how....I mean...your watch...”

“You pushed my wrist against the wall, remember?”

Jim nodded, and blushed lightly.

“I’m fine, see? No bruises. And....it was worth it”

Jim nodded, and kissed his wrists. “Go. Be safe”

Sherlock nodded, and left for school.

 

 

Jim headed to the hospital, and realised that he have a perfect gift for Sherlock’s birthday now. He could buy him a new watch. But that would take a while, and he didn’t want John to worry.

"I'm on my way. I'll stop to buy something for Sherlock, I'll be there in about an hour. Do you need anything? Jim"

I'll see you then. If you could convince my doctor that I would benefit from coffee, though, I'd appreciate it.- John

Jim smiled, and walked to the shop. An hour later Jim walked into John's room, with a present for Sherlock in his bag and a cup of coffee in his hand. With a lot of milk. And sugar. And not much coffee, really. John needed to sleep. He hadn't tried to cover the bruise with make up. As usual, his mother was still sleeping when he had left. And it looked much better than the day before. Besides, Sherlock had made him forget about it. 

"Hi", he said, closing the door behind him

"Hey," John smiled tensely, glancing at the cup in Jim's hand. "Coffee?" he asked hopefully.

"Not strong, but yes. You asked for it", Jim replied, giving it to him.

He took it carefully and held it like it was precious. "Thanks."

He still had no idea of how to react when somebody thanked him. So he sat without saying anything. It was difficult not to smile, which was ridiculous.

"You're very happy today." John commented, eye brow raised.

He nodded. "I slept the whole night without nightmares. I don't remember that happening before. Ever"

"Wow. That's fantastic."

"Yes. And...things went good with my mother, and...with Sherlock". He didn't blush, but only because he was trying not to.

"Good. I'm glad." John smiled, glancing at Jim’s cheeks. Maybe he had blushed a bit, after all.

He didn't remember having felt like this before. Everything looked...different. And he couldn't stop smiling. "Tomorrow is his birthday. I still don't know what to do"

"Take him somewhere he hasn't been before," John suggested. 

"He'll want to be here", Jim replied. "But it's a good idea. Maybe...we can do both"

John nodded. "Both sounds good."

Jim nodded, planing in his head the next day. But memories from this morning kept coming to his mind, making it difficult to think. He tried to focus on practical things. "Do you think he'd want somebody else there, or just you and me? I know Molly had bought him something, and Seb probably had, too"

"Well, only three are allowed in here at a time," he reminded. "Though they might make an exception if I eat and cooperate. They want to take a statement later."

"That will be...hard", Jim said, worried. 

"It will."

"Would it help if i'm here with you? Or would it make it worse?"

"It would help I guess, but at the same time I don't want you to know specifics." 

"I can be there and not listen. Focus on my own thoughts. If that's what you want. I'm your friend, John. I won't...judge you"

"You might over this.”

Jim observed him carefully. Guilt. What could he feel guilty about? Oh. Of course. He had tried to teach John how to defend himself, and John hadn't done it. "I know how...it feels. When you think that nothing you can do will change anything, and you stop even trying". He glanced at the door. Closed. "You...know, or at least suspect...what happened to me, at the centre. I...I could have...screamed. Told somebody. Found a way to stop it. But I didn't. I just let it happen, hoping that it would be over soon. I was too...tired to fight."

"Sometimes it just doesn't feel worth fighting against", John said, offering his hand to Jim in comfort.

 

Jim took John's hand and squeezed it lightly. "I'm here. Sherlock is, too. We'll fight for you when you can't"

John sniffed quietly. "Thank you."

"What...am I supposed to answer to that?", he asked, finally. John said it too often.

"Doesn't really matter. Anything works." 

"You don't have to thank me. Not after what you've done for me"

"We've done a lot for each other”, John sighed.

Jim nodded. "You should sleep. I'll be here, and wake you up if you need it"

He sighed and shook his head. "Don't wanna sleep."

"I know. But your body needs it. And you need to be rested for that statement"

"You'll wake me, right?"

"Yes.", Jim said simply.

John nodded slowly and lay down properly in the bed, putting down the cup of coffee. He closed his eyes and slowly dozed off, not realizing how exhausted he really was. 

Jim moved the chair closer to the bed and took a book.He started to read, glancing at John every now and then, and wondering how Sherlock would be doing at school.

Some time after that he heard John sobbing in his sleep, breaking out in a sweat as he muttered please to stop.

He remembered what John had told him to do when Sherlock had a nightmare. So he started to talk to John, softly, telling him that he was safe. Some times, that calmed Sherlock But John just tossed to his side, curling in on himself as the nightmare grew darker.

Not working, clearly. "John", he called, not wanting to touch him. "Wake up, John"

It was another couple of moment before John jolted awake, drenched in sweat and trembling violently.

Jim wasn't sure of what to do. He couldn't say that it wasn't real, because it could have been a memory. And touching...might make it worse, if John was like Jim. He stood and sat on the bed. Then he moved his hand close to John's, but without touching him. "Breathe", he said, remembering what helped him. "Remember where you are and what is real."

John scrubbed his face roughly, trying to breath slowly to get his breath back. His trembling lessened and he ran his hands through his hair, blinking away the nightmare. 

Jim didn't move, waiting for John to calm down. Sherlock should be here instead of him. Jim found difficult to comfort people. 

John breathed slowly and lay down properly again. "Was I asleep long?" 

"About two hours", Jim replied, calmly. "Some people say that...talking about it helps. It doesn't work for me, but...if you want..."

"Mm.. I'm good without that right now. I'll have to talk about it when they ask for my statement anyway.."

"You don't need to give too much details. There is enough evidence in your body", Jim replied.

"Yeah, but they'll want statements about the past ten years of my life, won't they?"

"I...guess. Listen, I'm not very sure of how this works. I...I was ten. And...they gave me so much medication that I can't remember most of it. They...asked a lot of things, but..." Jim stopped, not sure if he wanted John to know about that. 

He frowned slightly. "But..?"

Jim sighted. "I didn't speak. For months"

"At all?"

He shook his head. "I...couldn't. My father..." He stopped again, remembering the _lessons_. "He didn't want to...hear me", he finished in a flat and emotionless tone.

John finally took Jim's hand, that was still on the bed. "Things are okay now. You are okay now."

"I know", he answered. It was in the past. Not real. John's hand on his was real. The way Sherlock had looked at him this morning, the way his body had felt, that was real. "And you'll be okay, too".

"I hope so." John said, looking at him with a tiny smile on his lips.

Jim smiled, remembering when he’d told John that he’d never get better. "I know, I know. But...something...changed, today"

"Yeah? For the better?"

He nodded, smiling again. "Yes. For the better"  
.  
"Good."

"I feel...fine", Jim said softly. "I..." He laughted, nervously. "I keep waiting for it to stop. For something bad to happen. But...I think...I am...happy"

John grinned widely, giving Jim's hand a squeeze. "It can only get better from here."

"So you were right after all. I'm fine. And you'll be fine, too", he repeated, smiling.

"Of course I was right. I always am." John joked. 

"When he looks at me he doesn't even see the scars", Jim said quietly.

John nodded, unable to stop smiling.

"Try to sleep some more. It's still early", 

"God no. Too wired now." John sighed.

Jim nodded. "I brought cards. Do you know how to play?"

"Depends which card game."

"I don't mind. If I don't know it, you can explain it to me."

He shrugged. "Go fish?"

Jim nodded, and they started to play. Seb had taught him, one of the nights he had stayed with him and hadn't want to sleep. It kept his mind busy enough to stop thinking, and , at the same time, it was relaxing.

"Seb taught me how to play this. I was....about...13, and was staying at his house for the night. I didn't want to sleep because....well, you know. And he said it was okay, and we played the whole night"

"Last time I played this was with my sister. I was eight." John replied.

Jim nodded, and they played in silence for a while. It was nice. Some time later he received a text. "I can't focus in the classes. I keep thinking about this morning. I love you-SH". Jim read it, and blushed. 

"Sherlock?" John asked, smiling.

He nodded, and looked at the screen. "I love you too". He deleted it. He tried saying it in a different way, and wrote and deleted three more texts. This was difficult.

"Sorry. I can't...find the right words", he muttered, as he wrote, read and deleted another text.

"Just tell him you love him. Doesn't need to be complicated."

Jim nodded. "I'm thinking too much.", he muttered. "I love you too-Jim". He didn't like it. But John was right. 

He sent it.


	89. Chapter 89

They played for a while. There was no need to speak, and Jim relaxed and enjoyed the game. It wasn’t like playing chess with Sherlock, but it was fun. 

A knock at the door made him return to reality. Hospital. He frowned, and sat slightly closer to John when the door opened and two policemen came in. One was Charlie Lestrade, who smiled warmly at Jim before looking at John. But the smile vanished after a moment. The other one had a notepad in his hand. 

"Hey, John. Feeling any better today?"

John shrugged. "Guess so."

"Mind if we take your statement? It won't take long."

John nodded, biting his lip nervously.

Jim almost panicked. He should have covered the bruise. Greg’s father was looking at it with a frown. Still holding John's hand, Jim forced his body to relax. "Do you want me to stay, John?"

John hesitated. "I-Yeah. Please."

Jim forced a smile, and acted like if nothing were wrong. "Then I'll stay. It's....allowed, isn't it?"

Lestrade glanced at the other officer who nodded. "Course. We assume you know what happened, then?"

Jim nodded. "John told me. We are friends"

"That's fine then. So, John. Whenever you're ready." 

John swallowed thickly and began to talk, explaining how he'd gotten home and his mum had dragged him into the kitchen where three men were at the table, the four of them clearly drunk. And Jim stopped listening, He just couldn’t. The mental images of John being beaten and... No. So he heard the tone of John’s voice, but didn’t listen to the words, observing John’s expression. He just stayed there, offering silent support and squeezing John’s hand when he looked as if he were about to cry. It seemed to last forever. 

 

"I think that's enough. Thank you.", Charlie said after a long time. "I'll be back later on, I'm afraid. There might be some questions but not a lot." He promised. Jim didn’t take his eyes from John’s face as the two policemen left. 

John was shaking and he had to bite his lip harshly to stop himself from crying.

"Breathe, John. It's over, it's not happening now. Focus on what's real", he said, taking John's other hand too. 

John nodded, trembling. He couldn't keep it in and began to sob quietly, letting go of Jim's hands.

Jim remembered feeling that way. What had made him feel better? There had been that time, when...John had hugged him. He hesitated. That meant touching John. But he couldn't leave him like that. "Is it okay if I hug you?", he whispered.

John shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself. "Please don't", he whispered.

Jim nodded. He looked around, and saw the blanket he had used the other night. He took it and put it around John's shoulders without touching him.   
John tugged it around him, using it to hide his face as he continued to cry. Jim sat close to John, but without touching him. He didn't say anything, and let him cry. He never knew how to comfort people. 

Eventually John cried himself out, and just sniffed quietly, scrubbing his face clean of tears with the blanket. "Sorry." He whispered brokenly.

Jim gave him the bottle of water that was on the table without saying anything. John took it and took a long sip before putting it back again, wrapping the blanket tighter around himself.

"Don't be sorry. You needed that. How are you feeling now?"

"Shit." John admitted bluntly.

"You should drink more. And rest"

He shook his head. "I'm fine." He opened his eyes and shuffled under the sheets with a sigh. "I'm fine." He repeated.

"Of course you are. Rest, I'll be here", Jim said, sitting on the chair.

John nodded silently, staring at the ceiling. Occasionally the tears would start up again, but he was silent.

"Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. That helps"

He nodded and did as instructed, though it didn't help much.

"I know, it's not much. I have no magic solutions." Jim said softly.

"I know. It's fine. "

"It's not, but...it will be. You have Sherlock, and me. Your parents will go to prison. There's enough evidence even without your testimony. And....if things go wrong...I'll help you hide until your birthday. Even if...I'm not here, I can tell you where to go. I won't let them hurt you again", Jim whispered.

"Thanks, Jim. But, it'll be fine. Everything will." John assured.

"Yes, you remind me often", Jim said with a smile. He heard his phone again. 

Sherlock talked with Lucy. He told her exactly what she needed to know in order to be safe.-Seb  
At least Sherlock was safe. Good. 

"Someone needs to remind you." John snorted, keeping his eyes closed.

"I asked Sherlock to stay with Seb and take care of some...business. Apparently he is doing better than me", Jim explained, hoping it’d distract John. 

"Is that even possible?" 

He shrugged, and showed him the text. "Lucy Tyler. Her brother hits her. Not enough for their parents to notice, but enough to make her...scared. I had planned to threaten him, but...apparently there's no need."

John rose a brow.. "That's.. Impressive."

"It is. Sherlock...had been there with me for the deals the whole week. But he never said anything. We'll ask him about it later"

"Good idea."

Jim nodded, and was about to ut his phone back in his pocket, when he got another text.

He blushes at the mention of your name. It's cute. How are you? And John?-Molly

"My, aren't you popular today?" John joked.

"I'm always popular", he said with a smile. It was lunch time, so no classes now. "Molly asks about you", he added, typing. 

Be nice to him. We are fine-Jim

Then he stood up. He was hungry. "I'm going to buy something to eat.", he said, deciding that John was calm enough to stay alone for a while.

Lestrade was outside the room, and Jim felt suddenly nervous again. "I...I know I should be at school, but..."

Lestrade waved off his excuse. "It's fine. If my friend was in hospital, I'd stay with him too. What happened to your cheek though? Rough sports?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

Part of Jim wanted to trust this man. But he didn't dare, not with the evaluation so soon. "Yes, at school. It's nothing. I'm going to get something to eat"

It seemed to work. They talked for a bit more, mainly about John and how he was doing, and then Jim went to the closest place and bought a sandwich. He ate it, quickly, and went back to John’s room. 

He closed the door behind him, and John looked up. 

"Everything okay?"

"Yes. Lestrade asked me about the bruise, but I told him it happened at school", he said, nervously.

"He'll believe you. Greg told him that too when Seb beat him up the last day."

Jim nodded, relaxing slightly. "It doesn't feel right, lying to him."

"I know." 

"He...brought me here. Not to this room, but....to this hospital. And stayed with me, when..."

He nodded as Jim spoke. "He's a good man.."

Jim nodded, remembering how much he owed him. "When do they bring you lunch?", he asked.

"Dunno." John replied just as a nurse walked in with a tray of food. A simple salad and glass of apple juice.

"You see? The rumours were right, I have superpowers, I can summon people", Jim teased.

John laughed despite himself, sitting up to take the food with a smile. "You're magic." He agreed, sipping at the juice.

"Have you heard that one? I spread it myself. I have magic blood."

He snorted. "Trust you to spread a rumor of you have magic blood"

"Oh, but I have it. Or...maybe I was the son of a gangster. Or...I don't know. Something about...the lost son of...somebody important, I don't even remember who"

"And people actually believe this stuff?", John laughed.

"Ask around. You'll be surprised.", he said with a smile. "I...had to do it, I knew Greg would tell it. And...most of them are more plausible than the truth. The one of the gangster is quite popular, especially since,you know I killed you".

 

John couldn't help but start laughing again. "Is that still going around? There'd be a school announcement if I was dead!"

Jim smiled. It was good to see John laughing. "Oh, yes. We fought to death. Or I hired somebody to kill you. Or I threatened Sherlock and you left the country in order to protect him."

"Ooooh, left the country. I like that one." John giggled.

"I'm curious about what people will say after today. Sherlock being with Seb and Molly, and doing deals in my name"

"After yesterday, they'll think Sherlock killed us both and took over." John teased.

"Oh, of course. He killed me and...what? Stole my empire?"

John snorted. "Empire.. Oh yes."

"Plausible", said Jim with a smile. John had almost finished his food without realising it. "Rumours can change the way people look at you. I'm....magical, or a gangster, or the heir of an empire: power. People perceive it, and it changes the way they see me. Or...do you know why Seb's father didn't find anybody for the shop? Because all those rumours from five years ago are still there".

"I get it. You know I never believed any of the rumours I heard going around. About your or Seb."

"Most people did", Jim answered softly. "And there's some true in them", he added

"Oh? Like?"

"I'm not talking about Seb. If you want to know....you should ask him. And...about me...I tried to make them plausible so Greg's words would be ignored. But...about what people are saying now...well, it might be true. It could have happened. In fact...given that we both love Sherlock, and we haven’t hid it...is plausible."

 

"I asked Seb enough already.." John sighed. 

Jim looked at John, curious. How much did he know about Seb? "People saw Sherlock with you. It was...quite spectacular, you know? I heard about it. How was it....oh, yes. He was in danger and you rescued him. Or maybe the other way round. I heard both. And suddenly you two are living together. Some time after that I start to spend time with you two. And then you are no longer in the picture, and he is always with me. See? Of course I killed you"

 

"Quite peaceful being dead. You get delicious hospital food."

"And chocolate", he replied. "I bet Sherlock will bring more today. And eat half of it"

"If not nearly all of it." He smiled.

"Molly told you she was coming today?", Jim asked.

 

"She said she might."

"I have to talk to her about what are we going to do tomorrow. Seb works in the morning, but later...if you ask the doctor to let the four of us in here...just for...I don't know. A couple of hours...", Jim suggested.

 

"They might let it happen.." He bit his lip. "I'll ask when he comes in later."

"Molly's parents work here. That might help", Jim offered

"They do?" 

Jim nodded. "I don't know them very well. They are both doctors. Maybe if you ask your doctor, and Molly her parents...only the four of us, and not for long...”

"Yeah.. We'll do that." John assured, glancing at his phone with a strange expression. 

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. I just haven't heard from Greg in a long time”.

"I don't think that's because of what I told him", Jim replied, worried. If he were Greg...what would he do? Hurt Jim. Hurt John. And the best way to achieve that..."Sherlock. He is...going to do something to him", he whispered, suddenly scared.

John’s eyes widened. "But how?"

"I...I don't know, but..." He closed his eyes, and made his body relax. Better. "He wants to hurt me, and...made you go back to him. As far as he knows, the only reason I keep you close is because of Sherlock. So...is there anything that he could do to Sherlock that could make you break up with him? Something that made you stop trusting Sherlock. Or...maybe I'm overthinking this, and he would just try to hurt you and me using him".

"The only thing that makes me stop trusting him, right now, is if he were to touch me without checking it's ok.. But he wouldn't do that.." John grimaced, worried. "He's tried to use Sherlock against us before."

Sherlock wouldn't do that. Jim had told him not to, and it clearly altered John. But...if he were trying to convince Sherlock to do it...Yes. He could do it. If Sherlock believed it was the best thing for John, he would do it. But Sherlock didn't trust Greg enough to believe that from him. "Yes. But what Greg told him weren't lies. And...I'm glad Sherlock knows, to be honest. I'd rather had told him myself, but at least I don't have to hide it from him. Greg...I don't know if I'm handling this right. I'm being careless"

"I think we're all being careless. But, we will have to wait and see."

"I shouldn't have waited two days", he muttered. But he had been distracted. What if...No, no. Sherlock was with Seb. He was safe.

"It'll be fine. I'll text Greg myself.", John muttered, typing on his phone.

It was a terrible idea. Putting John in danger to make Sherlock safer. But...it was John’s choice, not his. Jim nodded, and hoped everything would be fine.


	90. Chapter 90

Jim remained silent as John sent the text to Greg, feeling a bit nervous. "You know him better than anybody. If somebody can stop him, it's you", Jim said, once John put the phone down. "Tell me if I can help".

"I need you to trust me, no matter what. And....when I talk to Greg in person, don't believe what I say. Desperate times, remember?"

Jim looked at him silently. Blind trust. He wasn't getting any details, and had to trust John to solve this. But...it was _John_. He had forgiven Jim, he had allowed him to be with Sherlock. He had helped him when he didn't need to. "I trust you", he said, looking him in the eyes. Saying that terrified him, almost as much as telling Sherlock that he loved him. But it was true. No. It was terrifying _because_ it was true.

"Thanks you." John sighed in relief. "You won't like what you'll hear. Neither will Sherlock. It will be the same as what you do with Greg. Except I'm going to be a jerk and lead him on."

And then break him. Jim sighed. It made sense, but...Greg had been John’s friend, and more than that for years. And John still felt...something for him. "I'm not sure of how I'm going to react, depending on what you say. I know it won't be true, but...". Or...not totally true. The best lies had part of truth.

"None of it will be nice."

Jim nodded. "I'll try not to...react too much"

"No matter what I say, we are still friends. I'm going to have to act like I love him. Properly."

Jim still wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. But he had to trust John. "Wait. In front of Sherlock?"

"Yeah.. It needs to be authentic. Of course I really hate him now, but he needs to think I adore him. Again. He won't take a lot of convincing. It's just the breaking him part that is tricky."

That would really hurt Sherlock. But if it was the only way..."I'm good at that part. If you do that, he'll be vulnerable. I think that even laughing at him would break him". And....had John said...that he hated Greg?

"Exactly."

"If you want this to look authentic...you can't tell Sherlock. Are you sure about this?" Because it’d keep Sherlock safe, but...it would really hurt him.The thought that he could have Sherlock for himself didn’t even occur to him. Things had changed so much. John was a part of his life now. 

"He'd leave me." John whispered, biting his lip. 

"He won't. I'll talk to him, right after. But...no, it won't work. He'll know if you are lying", Jim said, frowning. 

John rose a brow. "Jim. I can't believe you think I don't know how to act. I don't try around you and Sherlock. I have no reason to. How do you think I managed ten years of abuse? Especially when my parents were..,” John paused, and took a deep breath. “I know what I'm doing "

"I didn't say you couldn't. But Sherlock is...quite observant"

"So are you. So is Greg. And Sherlock will be blinded by hurt."

Jim nodded at that. "Okay. Do it. I'll make sure he understands afterwards"

"It may not happen today. But it's a forewarning." He explained as he reached for his phone after it beeped. He wrote a text, and the showed them to Jim

"Haven't heard from you in a while. Everything okay? - John"

"I'm fine. Dad's been making my write apology letters to the school. Everything okay with you, beautiful? - Greg x"

"Ooh that sucks. He was here today - statements and all that. - John"

It sounded so...normal. Jim looked at John, feeling strangely sad. "Wait after Sherlock's birthday, at least. Let's give him a good day tomorrow before..." Before what? After Sherlock's reaction when John had gone home...this was going to be bad.

"Before he leaves." 

"He won't. I...I'll tell him what is going on, after. It will be okay"

"Jim, listen to me. He won't trust me after this and I understand that. I am doing this for all of our sakes. If he leaves but is still safe, then I did my job right. I know the risk and I'll do what it takes to keep him safe from Greg."

"No. He won't trust you. But he will trust _me._ And I'll tell him the truth, when it's safe to do so"

"We don't know when that will be. Could take too long.'

"John, are you sure about this?", he asked again.

"I told you before. I'd do anything for him. And you."

Jim studied him again. Something didn’t fit. "Tell me you aren't planning to go back with Greg just to keep him away from Sherlock and me"

John swallowed thickly. "Partially”.

Idiot. Jim closed his eyes again and forced his body to relax. "And how exactly would that solve anything?"

"He would leave you all alone and it would give me the chance to hurt him. For all the times he hurt me."

"He wouldn't leave me alone. He hates me. I told him you were off limits, and if you do that, It will only make me look weak." Jim replied without looking away. "And...you could hurt him, but he would try to hurt you too"

"I won't let him hurt me again. And his dad is on red alert around me now. I would be fine."

"I said I'd trust you, so it's your choice." Jim whispered. It was painful to accept. 

"Thank you. It'll work out, I swear."

"I'll keep Sherlock safe and make sure he knows why you're doing this", Jim replied. "Will you wait, at least until Sunday?" Sherlock deserved to have a happy birthday. 

"Of course." John nodded with a sigh.

"I'm not sure if I could do what you are going to do", Jim muttered. 

"Why?" 

"I...need him too much", he admitted in a whisper.

"I'm not good enough for him so.."

Jim laughed at that. "If you are not good enough, then what am I?"

"You're perfect for him." 

"Sure", he said bitterly. "Absolutely perfect. Come on, John. I know how I am. And you are much better for him than me"

"And I know how I am. Believe me, he is better with you."

"Okay, stop. We've already discussed this. I couldn't convince you then, and you couldn't convince me. So...just stop. He loves us both."

John huffed and nodded. "Yeah, you're right."

"If you're not going to sleep, you should study. You’re going to have to do the tests and everything, so don't think you don't have to study", Jim said. Focusing on practical things always helped him. Maybe it would help John too. 

"Yeah, fine. I know I have to study. Just been a bit.. Negligent".

Jim smiled at the term. "Then fix it. Starting now", he said, giving him a book.

He took it with a dramatic sigh. "Fine."

"It's _my_ book. The important things are underlined. Read all of it, and study the underlined parts".

John nodded, flicking through it. "Thanks."

"I know how much you love History", he replied, smiling.

"Oh yeah. Joy of my life."

"You have fun studying with me. Admit it", Jim teased, taking the book he had been reading before. "A couple of days more, and I'll make you like History"

"Bet you can't." He snorted.

"Are you sure you want to bet against me?"

"Not at all." John shook his head, laughing.

"I knew you were clever", he answered, opening his book

John rolled his eyes and began to study in silence.

Jim kept reading his book, glancing at John every now and then. He looked more relaxed now, and it was good to hear him laugh.

Some time after that, he got a text from Molly.

"Sherlock is taking me to the hospital. We'll be there in half an hour-Molly"

Jim smiled and showed it to John, who smiled too. "Great."

Jim put his book down, and went to the bathroom of the room. He came back with a wet towel and a comb. "Clean your face. You don't want him to know you've been crying, and it's pretty obvious right now"

John blinked. "Oh. Right, yeah." He took them and cleaned his face rather quickly, but thoroughly.

"I don't know if I should cover the bruise. Sherlock and Molly already know, and we're going to Sherlock's house for the night, so my mother won't see it." And maybe it would heal faster if he didn't.

"Just keep putting the cream on." John instructed. "Every couple of hours. It's already gone down a fair bit."

"You mentioned that it worked with scarring, too", he said, rolling up his sleeve to see the mark Sherlock had done. "I don't think this will scar, but...just in case..." He knew Sherlock had told John about this, and what had happened next. Strangely, he didn't feel uncomfortable showing John his skin.

"It'd heal faster.", John said softly.

Jim nodded, and put a layer of cream over it, and over the bruise on his face.

"Should be gone by Monday”, John told him with a reassuring smile.

"Thank you again. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't helped me". Well, he knew what he would have done. Run away.

"Yes you do." John replied, going through the book again. "But no worries. You would have done the same for me."

He nodded, and went back to his book without commenting anything. 

Ten minutes later, he heard a knock at the door. "Do you want Sherlock to know about the statement?", he asked John.

"To know that I gave it. Not what I said in it." John said quietly before calling out. "Come in.”


	91. Chapter 91

Jim looked at the door. Sherlock came in before, and, for some reason, Jim couldn’t look away from him. Sherlock was...smiling at him, and blushing slightly. Molly entered the room after Sherlock, but Jim barely noticed it. 

Jim had planned a lot of things to say. Like asking Sherlock about what had happened with the deals at school, and with Lucy. But...his mind was blank. "Hi", he said, smiling without realising he was doing it.

Sherlock walked to Jim and kissed his cheek, sitting close to him. "Hi", he repeated shyly.

Jim didn’t know what to to say, which was new. And right now, it didn’t bother him. He saw Molly sitting on a chair at the other side of the bed, and John smiling at them with a fond expression. 

After a moment, Sherlock looked at John.. "How are you feeling?", he asked, still smiling

John couldn't help a small smile in return. "Better than yesterday." He assured.

"You look better", Sherlock replied, happy. "I brought you chocolate", he added, giving him a bag.

Jim laughed. "Told you", he said to John

John laughed despite himself and took the bag. "Thanks." He smiled and glanced at Jim. "I never said you were wrong”, he added before looking at Molly. "How're you?" He asked, smiling.

"Fine", she replied. "I'm going to the cinema with Seb when he finishes in the shop"

"Tell him I said hi." John replied. 

"He said the same. He has to work today, he'd have come otherwise. He told me that you're going to work at the shop, too. You'll like it"

John nodded. "I'm looking forward to it, really."

"His parents are really good people. I was a bit nervous when I met them, but they were nice to me."

"That's good. I'm sure I'll like them."

"Yes, you will. Jim said..." she glanced at Jim. "Oh, come on. Just kiss him, we don't mind"

John looked at them and saw how they were looking at each other and rose a brow in amusement. "Go on."

Jim glanced at John. He didn't want to make him uncomfortable. "You sure?" It was an stupid question, they had kissed in front of John before. But for some reason everything felt different today.

"Obviously." John rolled his eyes, smirking.

Jim looked at Sherlock, and, again, he couldn't look away. Smiling, he kissed him, soft and tenderly. 

John watched them before looking at Molly and winking.

"Are they always like this?" she whispered, smiling.

He lifted his hand and made a 'kind of' gesture. "Sometimes yeah, other times no. Depends on the day." 

Jim barely listened to them, too focused on Sherlock. "Was everything fine at school?", he whispered. 

"Yes. It was fun. Almost like a puzzle. I liked it", Sherlock replied.

Jim nodded, smiling, and kissed him again before moving away. And then Sherlock took his hand. It was so warm and comforting. "Molly? Do you think you could ask your parents permission for one more visitor to John tomorrow? It's Sherlock's birthday. Just for a couple of hours"

Molly nodded. "I'll ask, but the final decision is John's doctor. You have to ask him"

"I'll ask him." John assured. "He should be doing his rounds soon, and will be bringing me food."

"So...what happened with Lucy?", Jim asked finally, squeezing Sherlock’s hand. 

Sherlock looked at Molly, unsure

"Seb would tell her anyway. Come on, tell me what happened", Jim insisted. 

Sherlock grinned. "I just told her a couple of things about her brother"

"Oh, come on. Tell me"

"He is an idiot. Had been stealing money from their parents. I told her where to find it and what to tell him in order to be safe from him."

Jim raised an eyebrow, impressed. "What did you ask in exchange?"

Sherlock's smile broadened. "Two things. One, that she owed you a favour. And two, to sit with Jane at lunch"

"Jane? I don't remember her asking me anything"

Sherlock explained him that she had asked for help this morning, saying that people always bothered at lunch. So Sherlock had made part of all the deals of today the condition of sitting with her, and a favour. 

As Sherlock kept explaining what he had offered everybody and what he had asked in return, Jim was speechless. He was very good. Even better than himself.

"I love you", he whispered.

"I know", Sherlock replied, happy, hugging him again. "It was like a puzzle. Figure out what people needed, and what they could give", he explained, excited. 

"I know". Jim replied. Nobody had seen that before.

John's phone lit up and he read the text quickly, and replied to it. Jim frowned, and John showed him the screen, just for a moment.

"I might visit you over the weekend. Any day nobody else will be visiting? - Greg"

"Any day but Saturday. I have to do a couple more statements and some tests. - John"

"Bummer. Dad mentioned you gave a statement today. Feeling okay? I know it's hard. - Greg"

"I'm fine, I guess. Nothing to worry about.- John"

Jim closed his eyes, tired, and took a deep breath inhaling Sherlock familiar scent. It was so good to see Sherlock this happy. If only it could last. 

"So...supposing we are allowed to come here, what are we going to do tomorrow?", Molly asked

"Well...tomorrow morning I'm going to take Sherlock....somewhere. No, Sherlock. It's a surprise. I'm not telling you. So...after lunch....we could come here. I could make a cake", Jim replied, opening his eyes and moving reluctantly away from Sherlock. 

"I could ask my doctor if I can actually leave this bed, with permission this time, and we could at least sit outside if the weather is nice." John offered. Unlikely, but a nice thought.

"Maybe with a wheelchair", said Molly, doubtful.

As if on call, the doctor walked in, tray in hand. "Lo " He nodded at everyone with a smile.

John took the food without complaint. "Um, would there be a chance that one extra person than usual be allowed to visit me tomorrow?" he asked timidly, looking up at the doctor.

The man pursed his lips. "Eat more than half of that, and you have a yes." 

John smiled. "Thank you."

"Special occasion?'

"Sherlock's birthday" John gestured to him. 

"Well, happy birthday to you, then. It won't be a problem, so. Just noise to a minimum." He warned, watching John eat with a hawk eye.

"Can I bring a cake?" Jim asked, knowing that hospitals had rules about food.

"Yes, but John can't have any I'm afraid." The doctor replied.

John shrugged. "That's fine." he assured. "What are the chances of me leaving the room tomorrow? In a wheelchair obviously."

"Slim. Very slim. As in, I'm saying no now. I'm afraid moving too much could cause more damage."

"But we can come? It's just us three and her boyfriend.", Jim asked, smiling hopefully.

"Yes, of course. If John's eats.' The doctor nodded. 

"It will be fun", Molly said, looking at John with a weird expression. "Last time the four of us did something together was great"

The doctor stood at the door silently, waiting for John to finish, when a nurse came up to him. He sighed at what she was telling him and nodded. 

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to ask you three to leave." he looked at John. "The officer you spoke to earlier has a few more questions." He took the tray of food. "And you ate enough, so tomorrow is confirmed." 

John swallowed thickly, glancing at Jim.

Jim wasn't letting John alone for this. Not after the way he had reacted last time. "Can I stay? They allowed it, before", he said, trying to ignore Sherlock's hurt expression.

"Not this time, I'm afraid. He said the questions are specific now. He doesn't want added pressure to John." The doctor replied, as John frowned.

Officer Lestrade walked in, looking grim. "Sorry about this, but I will need you all to go."

John looked between the three of them and sighed, looking at Jim. "You can tell Molly." he said quietly. 

"What if...John wants me to stay? It will be easier for him. And he has already told me", Jim insisted, biting his lip 

"I have specific questions, it's not just a statement I need. I've been told some things and they need to be cleared up." Lestrade sighed. "It won't be easier with you here. Believe me."

Jim stood, and squeezed John's hand. "We'll be outside", he muttered. Then he turned to Lestrade. "I already know, believe me", he said, following Molly and Sherlock out of the room.

He looked at Sherlock. He had been so happy a minute ago. Now he looked...Jim frowned, unsure. Sad? Angry? He sighed, and looked at Molly, wondering what John had meant with you can tell Molly. How much? "So...John said I could tell you", he started, glancing at the door worried

"Tell me what? That somebody...raped him? Or that he has an eating disorder?", Molly said softly.

"Well, now you can officially know", Jim replied, relieved. 

They all stayed silent for a moment. Jim glanced at Sherlock again, but he was staring at the wall in front of them. 

"His father?" Molly asked in a whisper. 

"Yes. Among others"

Molly nodded. "Is he safe now?"

"As much as he can be. All of them are in prison. But the trial will be....hard for him"

Molly bit her lip, unsure. "Do you think I should tell him about..." She glanced at Sherlock "...that other thing? Would it help him?"

"I don't know, Molly", Jim replied. And then he looked at Sherlock's face. "Hey. What's wrong?", he asked, in a much softer tone.

Sherlock didn't answer, but his body tensed. 

"Sherlock. What's wrong?", he repeated, taking his hand

"He...doesn't trust me", he whispered. 

"No. He trusts you. He doesn't want to hurt you, and he thinks that you knowing some things will do that. And...after yesterday...you have to admit that he is right"

Sherlock nodded, and stared at his feet, looking sad. 

“There’s nothing wrong in what you’re feeling”, Jim whispered, when the door opened. 

"You can come back in." Charlie Lestrade told them as he walked past.

Jim entered the room, worried. He remembered what had happened this morning after the statement. He sat where he had been before. "Alright?", he asked as Sherlock and Molly walked into the room.

John nodded though he had his knees pulled to his chest. "M'fine." He shrugged, chin atop his knees. "I had to lie to him." He whispered, barely audible. 

"Sometimes it's necessary", Jim whispered, noticing how Sherlock glared at him. Great. 

Molly looked at them, and stopped. She looked at her watch. "I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow. About...five?"

John looked up at Molly and smiled. "See you then." 

It was obviously a pretext, but Jim was glad she had left them alone. They needed to talk. As soon as Molly left, Jim looked at Sherlock. "Stop behaving like an idiot"

"W..What?"

"We are fine. I love you. John loves you. Stop looking for problems where there are none."

"John doesn't trust me", Sherlock muttered. 

"Sherlock", Jim said more firmly. "What have I just told you?"

"That he trusts me but he doesn't want me to know some things because he doesn't want to hurt me", he whispered. 

John looked between them, baffled. "What am I missing here?"

"Go on, Sherlock. Tell him"

Sherlock stared at the floor, and didn't say anything.

"Fine. _I_ will tell him, so you can listen it out loud, and realise how stupid it is." He looked at John. "You are not going to believe it. _Sherlock_ is jealous"

John blinked for a moment. "You're kidding. Of _what_?"

Instead of answering, he turned to Sherlock. "I know I told you there was nothing wrong with what you felt, but this is ridiculous. Of the three of us, you are the one who had less reasons for being jealous", he said in a softer tone, taking his hand.

"It was you who brought him to the hospital. You who he wanted here, and who he trusted. Not me"

"Sherlock, John and I aren't like that, you know it"

"Why? Because he doesn't kiss you or touch you? What does it have to do with anything? And...he doesn't kiss me either, and he touches you more than me", Sherlock said bitterly.

John looked between them with a frown. "Can this stop, please?" He asked quietly. "Sherlock, I love you for God's sake. I trust you with my life but there things I never want you to know about me. And please, the only reason Jim brought me to the hospital was because we were in History and he asked. It was coincidence. I wouldn't have gone otherwise and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. We'd be having a funeral."

Sherlock paled, and stared at John. "W...what?"

Jim put his arm around Sherlock's shoulders. "It's alright, Sherlock, he whispered. "He is fine now"

"I'm clearly fine now. It's all just a matter of time and place how things happen."

"No, it's not....I....I saw you that morning, before. When you didn't talk to me, I...I assumed you were...angry. I...didn't notice anything"

"That's because I'm used to hiding it. I had to do it every day, since I was a kid. Nobody noticed before. Except Jim." He shrugged.

"I knew where to look", Jim said simply. He knew how it felt. And how to hide it. 

John sighed and nodded, resting his chin on his knees again.

Jim glanced at John, and then at Sherlock. "Sherlock? Look at me"

When Sherlock did it, Jim realised that there was still something wrong. He kissed him softly. "Tell me"

"I...feel that I'm losing John because I'm not strong enough to help him", he whispered.

John’s eyes widened. "You're not losing me." He said softly.

"You promise?"

Jim kept his arm around Sherlock's shoulders. If the idea of losing John made Sherlock feel like this, he didn't want to think about what was going to happen with John’s plan. 

John nodded a bit reluctantly, though he hid it well. "Of course I promise". Jim noticed. Sherlock didn’t, maybe because he wanted to believe it. Jim kissed his cheek tenderly, and Sherlock’s body relaxed.


	92. Chapter 92

Jim felt guilty. They weren’t lying to Sherlock, not exactly, but they were hiding things from him. Maybe there was something true in Sherlock’s reasons to be jealous. But he didn’t like John that way, right? Jim looked at John. He was attractive, that was true. But it didn’t make him feel like Sherlock did. He paused, and thought about his friends. John didn’t make him feel like Seb or Molly, either. But maybe everybody was different. He kissed Sherlock’s cheek again, and dismissed the thought.

"So...where are we going to go tomorrow morning?" Sherlock asked, smiling at Jim.

Jim had no idea. He had been thinking about it, but he didn’t have much experience at birthdays. "I'm not telling you that, Sherlock. It's a surprise", he said confidently. He had a night to figure it out.

Sherlock looked at Jim, and then at John. "Am I really going to have a birthday party?”

John nodded with a smile. "Yup."

Sherlock grinned. "That's...amazing. I've never..."

"You've never...what? Don't tell me your parents never gave you one"

"Yes, but..." He looked away, uncomfortable. "...nobody came, apart from my mother and Mycroft. He lives abroad now, and my mother...is not always able to come. She always calls, but..."

"Well, we'll fix that now. Maybe not your mum and Mycroft, but you'll have us."

"I love you", Sherlock said, smiling. "And...I'm sorry about...what I said before. It's just that...I miss you"

John shook his head. "It's fine. And, I love you too."

"I think I know what is wrong", said Jim softly.

"What?" Sherlock asked-

"You two are used to spend a lot of time together alone. How long have you been alone this week?", he asked, knowing that the answer was...never. 

Sherlock and John looked at each other, reaching the same answer.

"That... that shouldn't make such a difference", John said, doubtful.

Sherlock closed his eyes and relaxed between Jim's arms. "I don't know", he said, finally. "I...miss you, John. I miss talking to you. I miss...." He stopped and blushed slightly.

John wrapped his arms around his legs, looking very small. "I miss you too."

Jim felt Sherlock tensing again in his arms. He glanced at John, unsure. But Sherlock didn’t move, didn’t open his eyes. He took a deep breath and extended a hand towards John, without touching him. "Please", he whispered.

Jim looked at the hand. It was shaking. He kissed Sherlock’s head, and looked at John. John was...scared and nervous. Jim didn’t say anything, it was John’s choice. After a moment, John took Sherlock's hand and laced their fingers together.

“ It feels so good when..." Sherlock whispered.

"I know, love." John sighed, looking at their hands.

"This is...how we first touched. I...wanted to...help you to stand up", Sherlock muttered. 

"A lot of things happened since then." John mumbled quietly.

"Do you...regret it?"

"Which?" 

"Going to my house that day. And the next one. Sleeping in my bed. Kissing me that morning"

"No." John replied instantly. "I'll never regret that."

"I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing", Sherlock whispered.

"Neither did I." John admitted.

"I'm always scared of doing something wrong. I...know you love me, but some times...i can't believe it. I think that i'm going to wake up and my life will be like it was before meeting you", Sherlock muttered.

"It won't be like that again." John swore, holding Sherlock's hand tighter.

Jim felt Sherlock’s body tensing again. "I can almost hear you think", he whispered, kissing Sherlock’s cheek. "And you are wrong".

John stroked the back of Sherlock's hand with his thumb idly. "We love you."

Jim smiled at Sherlock's reaction. He was relaxed again, and there was a smile on his lips. He and kissed Sherlock’s cheek again. Then he looked at John, and noticed he had relaxed, too. Good.

Neither of them moved for a while. Jim relaxed, too, and stopped thinking about how many things could go wrong. He was going to make sure that tomorrow was perfect for Sherlock.

Jim knew they had to leave. He didn't want to, but Sherlock couldn't sleep on a chair, and if John couldn't even move with a wheelchair, he clearly couldn't share a bed. But he waited and waited, feeling happy and relaxed. It was past midnight when he whispered "We should go, Sherlock. He has to sleep”

"Yes", Sherlock replied without moving.

John gave Sherlock's hand another squeeze, glancing at the time. "I'll see you in a few hours." He reminded. "It's your birthday."

"Is it? What time is it?" Sherlock asked, opening his eyes.

"It is your birthday”, Jim repeated, kissing him. "We'll come before Molly and Seb, so we can have some time...like this, again"

John kissed the back of Sherlock's hand. "You should both get some sleep. You'll need it for tomorrow."

Sherlock looked at his hand and smiled, happy. "Okay", he said again, still not moving.

John chuckled. "Looks like you're going to have to drag him, Jim."

"Oh, i can do that", he replied, smiling. "But there's no need. Sherlock. We are leaving. Now"

Sherlock looked at Jim, and, reluctantly, let John's hand go and stood up.

John smiled and waved with his now empty hand. "See you later on."

"We'll come right after lunch", said Jim, walking to the door. Sherlock had stopped and was looking at John. "Sherlock", he repeated.

Sherlock nodded, and walked with Jim outside the room.

Sherlock was happy. Jim hadn't seen him this happy since Sunday. Maybe not even then. He had promised to trust John, but surely there had to be another way. He kept those ideas out of his face. He had to make this day perfect.

“He looked better”, Sherlock said, smiling, when they were in the car on their way home.

Jim nodded, realising that John was better at hiding than he’d thought. Because he had looked better, but Jim knew he wasn’t. And...did nodding count as lying to Sherlock? He hated this. “He held your hand. Yesterday, he couldn’t”, he said, trying to find something true to say.

“I miss him”, Sherlock admitted, resting his head on Jim’s shoulder.

Jim tried not to move too much. This felt good, even if Sherlock only did it because John wasn’t there. “I know”, he replied, taking his hand. “Me too”, he admitted. Everything was easier with John there. He tried to think about anything else to talk about. School. Yes, that would distract them.

It worked, and Sherlock spent the rest of the way talking about people at school and what he’d told them in Jim’s name.

Once they were home, they went straight to Jim’s bedroom. Jim glanced at Sherlock’s room, and realized Sherlock hadn’t slept there since John was in hospital. What would happen when he came back? No. He refused to think about that now. He’d worry about it later. Not that he had much choice about what would happen, it was Sherlock’s choice, after all.

Everything was so perfect that he was scared, knowing that it would end soon. But he didn't want to think about it, and focused on Sherlock instead. They seemed to have found a balance now. It was familiar and comfortable, and made him so happy that it almost hurt. Later, when Sherlock was sleeping, he tried to find another way to deal with Greg, one that wouldn’t put John in danger but he couldn't. Sherlock. Right. Sherlock’s birthday. He still had no idea of what to do. 

"I still don't know where to take him tomorrow morning. Any ideas?-Jim". Maybe John was still awake.

"Maybe try the beach? It's meant to be sunny - I heard the nurses talking - and I don't know if he's been to the one around here. Got to take advantage of the coast side. - John"

He wanted to ask John about Greg, but at the same time he didn't want to think about it. "Are you still sure?-Jim"

God, no. But what choice do I have? – John

"There's always a choice. And you don't know if it will work-Jim

I know Greg and I know it would work. You should have seen him the day after I spent the first night with Sherlock. He was angry. Over protective and acting a bit jealous, from afar. I know how it works. – John

He wants you. So what? You give him what he wants and go back with him? How is that going to protect Sherlock? Greg still hates me. And if you...break him, how do you know he won't want revenge? It could make things worse-Jim

He's never been broken before. Even when his parents divorced, he was still okay. Just angry. If he were to actually be broken, there would be no chance of him seeking revenge. – John

He was your friend. You loved him once. Maybe you still do. Are you sure you can do it? You didn't want me to hurt him-Jim

I can do it. I care about you guys more. The more I hear about what he's done, the more I realize that I didn't know him as well as I thought. - John  
I'll take care of Sherlock, and make sure he understands. And we are still friends, no matter what. Be careful-Jim

They kept texting for a while, talking about nothing. But it helped Jim, somehow. Finally, there was no reply from John, and Jim knew he’d finally fallen asleep. He moved closer to Sherlock and closed his eyes.

He woke up without memories of nightmares, feeling warm and rested. He could get used to this. When he opened his eyes, he saw Sherlock looking at him with a smile.


	93. Chapter 93

Jim smiled back at Sherlock. He looked so happy.

"It's my birthday", Sherlock said, grinning. 

"I know."

"It's my birthday, so I can ask something from you"

Jim smiled fondly and kissed him. "Of course"

"Let me see you."

Jim hesitated. But after what had happened last morning, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. True, the darkness of his room at home was different from this, but...after Sherlock's expression when he had seen him then...

"Okay", he said, taking a deep breath.

Sherlock hesitated. “You can say no”, he said, worried.

“I know, Sherlock. I...I want to try”.

Sherlock nodded, and, slowly, undressed him.

Jim was nervous. He remembered when Sherlock had first seen his skin, and how Sherlock could see more in the scars than most people. There were things he didn’t want Sherlock to know.

“Jim?”

Jim blinked, and looked Sherlock in the eyes. That way he didn’t have to see his own skin, that still brought him memories of the past. “Yes?”, he asked, taking a deep breath.

“You’re perfect”, Sherlock replied, hugging him.

For some reason, that made him want to cry. Emotions made no sense. He felt happy, but his body wanted to cry. Instead, he kissed Sherlock, slow and tenderly. That always made him feel better.

After some time, they heard a ring at the door. While Sherlock went to answer, Jim decided to get dressed, or they wouldn't go anywhere today. 

Sherlock came back soon after, smiling, and with a packet and an opened letter in his hands. 

"Your mother?", Jim asked, remembering what Sherlock had said about his mother always calling him for his birthday. 

Sherlock shook his head. "Mycroft", he said, opening the present carefully not to tear the wrapping paper. It had butterflies, and made Jim smile. 

“A jacket?”, he asked, surprised. But Sherlock was smiling, and looked happy.

“ Last year Mycroft was here, and our mother sent me a scarf. Mycroft teased me, saying that it was better than the jacket he had got for his birthday, and I said it wasn't. So, of course, he had bought him a jacket”, Sherlock explained, trying it on.

Jim laughed. “Well, I like it”, he said, glad that Sherlock’s brother still cared about him.

Sherlock smiled shyly, and got dressed. He got a text, and when he read it, he blushed and replied to it.

“John?”, Jim teased.

Sherlock nodded. “Yes”, he muttered, putting the phone back in his pocket. “What are we doing today?”

Jim smiled at the obvious attempt to stop talking about John’s texts, but didn’t insist. “It’s a surprise. Come, we’ll make some sandwiches to take with us”

The beach could be fun, but Jim wasn't ready to let people see his skin. Sherlock and John were different. But the idea of everybody looking at him...no. Or...maybe, not yet. Today, he felt that everything was possible.

So he took Sherlock to another place. A park, outside the city, where his mother had taken him for his first birthday after.... _after_.

The morning was amazing. Sherlock was happy and relaxed, and Jim was, too. He told Sherlock about that birthday, about how he and his mother had began to know each other again. He didn’t talk about school, or his evaluations and compulsory therapy sessions. He just talked about happy things. He hadn’t realised he had all those happy memories. He told Sherlock about his last birthday, when Sebastian’s father had took him and Sebastian hunting, and how fun it had been.

Sherlock talked a lot, too. About his family, and the birthday presents he had got over the years. They talked about all the happy memories they had, about everything but John.

They walked between the trees and ate sitting on the grass. It was so good to see Sherlock eating and enjoying the food. Later, Jim asked a woman to take a picture of them. They had taken several before that day, but Jim wanted one with the two of them. They looked at it together. They were holding hands, happy and relaxed. But...something was missing.   
"He'll be fine. And we'll take more photographs later", Jim said, kissing Sherlock’s cheek.

They went to the hospital shortly after. Jim wanted to arrive before Molly and Seb, so they could be alone with John for a while. 

When they arrived at the hospital, Sherlock looked nervous.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Sherlock"

"What if...something goes wrong? Everything is so..."

"Perfect. I know. Calm down, Sherlock, and enjoy it. No matter how long it lasts.” he said, taking his hand as they walked inside the room. It was the same thing he said to himself, and it seemed to help Sherlock too.

They stopped at John’s door, and Jim kissed Sherlock softly again before opening the door.

John looked away from the window when they came in, and smiled. "Hi, happy birthday." He grinned, offering Sherlock a present wrapped in bright blue paper.

"A present? How did you...?" You are amazing", Sherlock said with a smile, sitting on the chair.

Jim followed him, and sat besides Sherlock, smiling at John as Sherlock opened the present slow and carefully

A...notebook, in a way. But the covers were of leather, soft and beautiful, and the paper was hight quality. It was lovely. Jim remember the notebook in Sherlock’s room, and wondered if it had been John who had broken the cover.

"I love it", Sherlock said smiling.

"I'm glad. I still have your notebook, it's in my bag. But you don't have many pages left in it, so I thought I'd get you another." John replied. 

"Write something on the first page, and sign it", said Sherlock, handing John the notebook. "It's perfect"

He took it and got a pen from his bag and began to wrote. Jim knew how to read upside down, he had learned after watching his doctors witing for so many years.

Sherlock, I will always love you. No matter what happens in our lives, we will always have each other - and Jim. Don't ever forget how much I love you. – John

Sherlock took it and read it. "Well, I was wrong. Now it's perfect"

Jim smiled, and took the present he had bought yesterday. "Happy birthday", he said, feeling suddenly nervous. 

"Another present?"

"Well, I hadn't planned...the other one"

Sherlock blushed, and started to open it, as carefully as he had done with John's.

It had taken Jim some time, but he had found the same watch Sherlock had been wearing. "I'm sorry I broke yours", Jim said.

"I told you, It was my fault. And it was worth it", Sherlock answered, blushing.

Jim nodded, hoping that he wasn't blushing too. "Do you like it?"

"Of course", Sherlock said with a smile, as he put the watch on. Then he looked at John. "What would you say if...No, forget it", he said, unsure.

John rose a brow. "No go on, ask me. The worst I can say is no."

Sherlock looked at Jim, Jim kept his face blank. This was between Sherlock and John. Sherlock looked at John again. "You can say no. If you don't want to, just say it. I...i want a kiss"

John nodded slowly. "Yes. Come here." He offered Sherlock his hand to pull him closer.

“I can leave, if you want me to”, Jim offered. They turned to look at him, and say “No”, and the same time. It made Jim smile. “Fine. Then go on, kiss”.

They looked at each other again, and Jim realised that Sherlock was scared. John should have noticed too, because he tangled their fingers together. "Relax. It's a kiss." He assured, moving in to kiss him softly.

Jim looked away to give them a bit of intimacy, but he couldn’t help listening.

"Did I...do something wrong?", Sherlock asked. "I...I'm sorry"

"No, no." John assured. "Just not used to it again, yet."

"I shouldn't have asked".

"Yes, you really want to push our limits today", Jim said, thinking about this morning, and trying to make both of them relax. 

"Oh, shut up. You could have said no. And you liked it as much as I"

Or maybe more. Jim smiled. "Well, you asked it nicely"

John rose a brow, glancing between them in amusement.

"He said that, since it was his birthday, he could ask anything and I wouldn't say no. It was...convincing", he explained John

John snorted. "That's pretty sly."

"It's not!", Sherlock protested. "He could have said no. And I knew he wanted it too"

John suppressed a giggle. "Uh huh?"

Suddenly, Sherlock looked nervous. "Jim? You...wanted it, didn't you?", he asked, unsure.

Jim looked at him, wondering what to say. The truth, of course. "I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't asked. At least...not yet. But....it felt good. I'd have stopped it if it hadn't"

Sherlock relaxed. "Promise it. You'll never let me do something you don't want"

"I promise", Jim said, looking him in the eyes.


	94. Chapter 94

Molly and Sebastian arrived shortly after, with the cake Jim had told them to bring and more presents for Sherlock. Molly gave him a hat, and Sebastian gave him a book. Sherlock looked happy, and Jim relaxed and tried to enjoy the day. But he still needed to talk to John before tomorrow. So, about an hour later he told Molly that he needed Sherlock out of the room.  
   
"Sherlock? I'm going to buy something to drink. Come with me, we can talk", Molly said softly.   
   
"Talk? About what, Molly?"  
   
"About what? Jim, of course"  
   
Blushing, Sherlock muttered something impossible to understand, and Molly smiled. "Does anybody want something?"  
   
He shook his head. "All good here."  
    
Sebastian saw Molly and Sherlock leaving the room, and frowned.  "Jim? Do you want me to leave?"  
   
Jim looked at John. "Your choice. We have to talk, and have about ten minutes. You can trust Seb, but if you feel more comfortable without him here, say it"  
    
"You can stay, it's fine." He assured Seb and looked at Jim. "What is it?"  
    
What was it? There was no plan, no back up plan and it was a potential disaster. No. He had promised to trust John. "Tomorrow, then? What do you need me to say to Greg?"  
    
John sighed. "I don't know yet, Jim. I know it's messy and unreliable but.  It has to work."  
    
"I trust you", he said, thinking. "Unless you say otherwise, I think I'll behave like I usually do around him."  
   
Sebastian listened to them with a worried expression."Can I help?"

John nodded at Jim. "Do." he looked at Seb, biting his lip in thought. "Not at the moment, but if I think of something, I'll tell you."

"Seb?" Jim asked, surprised.  
   
"It's about Greg, Jim. If I can help, I will"  
   
Jim nodded, and glanced at John. "You told him"  
   
"Yes"  
   
"Why?"  
   
"Because he asked. Listen, Jim. It's not only me. He makes Molly nervous. She doesn't want to tell me why, but she is scared of him. I can let him hurt Molly.He won't hurt any of you again."

"What about you?", Jim asked worried  
   
 John shook his head. "I know what I'm doing. And considering what his dad's asked me today... I have back up."

"What? Did he ask you about Greg?", Jim asked, surprised

"He asked about all of you. Particularly Greg. He wanted to know if my friends used to, or do hurt me."

And that was why John had lied. But if he told about Greg....Greg would tell about Jim and Seb. Jim felt a moment of panic, and then he remembered that it would keep John safe. "Tell about it if you have to. Just...warn me first"

John shook his head. "I won't be telling him about you two. I'm biding my time to tell him about Greg. I could easily say I was too scared to talk and that Greg tried to turn me against you. I could make it up, but it would still be true."

Jim nodded. "Good luck. And....if you need something...just name it"  
   
"Same here. And be careful with Greg", added Seb.  
   
He sighed and nodded. "Thanks. And I will. I know how he works now. Properly."  
   
Jim was still worried, but he had promised to trust John. He heard steps and voices, and the door opened. Sherlock was still blushing, and Molly was giggling.  
   
"What have you two been talking about?”, he asked with a smile, wanting to think about something else.  
   
"You, I told you", Molly replied.  
   
"Me? What about me?"  
   
"Oh, you'll find out soon. Sherlock showed me a lovely photo of this morning. I think John would like it"  
   
Sherlock glanced at Jim and blushed even deeper, before walking towards John in order to show him the photographs of this morning.

John looked through them, a smile on his face. "Awh, how cute." He grinned, behind relieved they were happy.  
   
Molly giggled at the scene, and, as Sherlock had asked her to do, started to take photographs.

"I'm not cute" Sherlock protested.  
   
John gasped. "Yes you are. Utterly adorable." He smiled.  
   
 Jim was still worried. If Lestrade had talked to John, he'll surely would want to talk to Sherlock too, at least about John's father accusations. And there were too many ways in which John's plan could go wrong. But he followed his own advice, and tried to enjoy what he had now. "I agree with John", he said with a smile. "So we are majority and you can't complain".  
   
John grinned. "You know we're right."  
   
"I'm not cute. I'm...happy." Sherlock looked around the room. "Everything is perfect today. You are amazing. All of you", he added. He took Jim's hand, and smiling, extended his other hand towards John, who, after a small hesitation, took it and  
twined their fingers together.  
   
   
Molly took several pictures, and sent them to their phones. Jim looked at the last one and smiled. They looked so happy. And then he thought about what was going to happen tomorrow. John deserved a moment with John. So, making sure Sherlock wasn’t watching, he wrote a text. "You want a moment alone with him? It might be the last in a while-Jim". He programmed it so it would be sent in five minutes, and put his phone back in his pocket.  
   
   
John was stroking the back of Sherlock's hand when he got the text. He reached for it, probably assuming it was Greg, and read it with the screen turned. And for a moment his face showed so much sadness that it hurt to see. "Please. - John."  
   
   
Jim didn't need to read the text to know what it said. John's face was enough. He made a signal to Seb, one they had used a lot of times and meant they had to leave. 

"Molly, let's go. It's late. Jim? Can you come? There's something I want to ask you"

"Of course", Jim replied, kissing Sherlock's cheek. "I'll come back soon", he whispered in his ear before walking to the door.

Molly looked at Seb surprised. And then glanced at Jim, and went to kiss John's cheek, and then Sherlock's. "Happy birthday", she said smiling.  
   
Jim left with Molly and Sebastian,  and didn’t say anything until they left the hospital. Then he told them everything about Greg and about John’s plan. Jim trusted them, and, if things went wrong, maybe they could help.  
   
Sebastian didn’t say anything, he just listened and offered to help anyway he could. But Molly got angry, and said they were idiots for risking what they had. It was the first argument Jim had ever had with Molly. He explained her that it had been John’s choice, and that John needed some control over his life. But Jim was sure Molly could hear in his voice how he disliked the plan and how worried he was. She knew him too good. After a while, Molly just hugged him and wished him good luck.  
   
 Jim watched them go, holding hands. It was good to see them happy. He sighed, and went back into the hospital. Then he stopped. Maybe Sherlock and John wanted to be alone a bit more.  
   
"I told them. Not all, but most. Molly said we are idiots, but will help too. They won't tell him. I'm on my way. Need any more time?-Jim"  
   
"She always thinks we're idiots. Adorable idiots, I believe she said at one stage. You can come back, he's just writing now. - John"  
   
Jim smiled when he read that. Adorable idiots. Yes, that sounded like Molly. He took a deep breath, and headed to the room again.


	95. Chapter 95

When he opened the door, he found Sherlock lying on the bed besides John, writing on his new notebook. He looked so...relaxed. Jim smiled, and closed the door. He walked to Sherlock, and kissed his cheek, "Busy?"

Sherlock nodded. "I'm using this as a diary. Starting today". He looked at Jim's face, and smiled. "And yes, you can read it. No lies or secrets, remember?"

Jim took the notebook, hoping that his face didn't show how guilty he was feeling now. He wasn’t lying to Sherlock, not exactly, but he was hiding things from him. But he forgot about that when he started to read. A diary, starting today. It told how Sherlock had woken up today and watched Jim sleep. How Sherlock had felt seeing Jim so vulnerable, how Jim had woken up smiling and what Sherlock had asked for his birthday.

 

Jim closed the notebook, a bit scared. "Did it...really felt like this for you?", he asked softly

Sherlock nodded and smiled warmly at him.

 

Jim knew that he wasn't like Sherlock had written him. He could never be like that, he was too broken for it. Sherlock was in love with an illusion. But he had promised to take care of Sherlock, and he was going to do it. So he made his body relax, and sat on the chair.

"Jim? Is something wrong?", Sherlock asked after a moment.

"No. I just had a disagreement with Molly". Well, it wasn't a lie. But it wasn’t the truth either. Sherlock had asked for honesty, and this felt...wrong.

Sherlock nodded, and moved close to John again, closing his eyes.

 

John picked up running his fingers through Sherlock's hair again and looked at Jim. "Okay?" He mouthed.

 

Jim looked at John. How could he be so calm? Glancing at Sherlock nervously, he shook his head. He wasn’t okay. This was wrong.

 

John let it be, but glanced briefly at his phone to tell Jim to text him it later. Jim nodded, and took Sherlock's hand.

"John? What time is it?", Sherlock mutteres without opening his eyes

 

"About nine, I think." He said, not really checking the time. He unlocked his phone and looked at the time. "Oh, half ten."

 

"My mother hasn't called", Sherlock muttered. "She...always calls me on my birthday. Always. Even when..." he hesitated for a moment "...even when it isn't allowed, she finds a way"

 

"There's still time," John replied soothingly.

 

"Can't you call her?", Jim asked, wondering where Sherlock’s mother was.

"No. She told me not to"

"Then wait, she'll call. If she's something like you, she'll be fine", Jim replied, squeezing his hand. What was all this about?

 

"Did Mycroft call?" John asked, remembering the elder Holmes.

"He wrote me a letter. And sent me this jacket", Sherlock replied, relaxing.

 

"That's great. I was wondering about the jacket.", John said, smiling.

"He wrapped it with butterflies", Sherlock added in a whisper.

John smiled. "That's sweet."

"You two are...close?", Jim asked

"We...were. I haven't seen him in months."

"Will he be visiting anytime soon? With summer coming along?", Jim asked, a bit nervous about meeting Sherlock’s brother.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Have you told him or your mother about...John and me?"

Sherlock smiled. "No. But she knows. All those people working in my house and following me everywhere report to her."

"I spoke to her, before. When my dad attacked you." John frowned slightly, remembering it.

 

"When I was at the hospital? I...don't remember much of that night. I...remembered telling you to call her", Sherlock replied.

"And I did. She was really worried."

"Yes, I...talked to her a week after that. She told me she was going to be sent somewhere she couldn't tell me, and that she didn't know for how long", Sherlock muttered.

 

"Well maybe she is still away and can't help it?", John suggested.

"Yes, I know. But she'd always managed to call me on my birthday."

"Sherlock? What...does she do?", Jim asked finally.

Sherlock hesitated. "Something for the government. I'm not really sure. She can't tell me."

 

John grimaced and fell silent, still stroking Sherlock's hair.

 

Jim watched them, and frowned. It wasn’t right. Sherlock’s family loved each other, and had the chance of being together, and they weren’t. Sherlock’s father was dead, his mother travelled all the time and his brother was studying abroad. Sherlock was always alone. Jim wished he could help somehow.

"Thank you. For today, for everything. You two are amazing", Sherlock whispered after a moment.

John glanced at Jim and then kissed Sherlock's cheek. "Anything for you."

"Yes. And you are...pretty amazing, too. And cute", Jim said, avoiding John's eyes.

Sherlock smiled at that. "Shut up."

"He's right.", John said, grinning.

"Of course. I'm always right", Jim replied.

Sherlock looked at Jim, amused. "No, you aren't. There were mistakes in your part of the project"

"And in yours, too."

"Less than in your part", Sherlock said smugly. Then he looked at John "We are presenting it next week."

"Oh yeah? I'm sure you'll do great." John said, smiling.

"It's brilliant", said Sherlock happily. "Far better than any other one in the class".

"Obviously. It's you two working on it."

"Jim is making an amazing presentation in PowerPoint."

"It's not that good. And you could do it too, if you tried", Jim said. Talking about the project always distracted Sherlock from his problems.

Sherlock ignored Jim. "As I was saying, it's amazing"

John snorted. "I bet."

"I'm a bit worried about talking in front of everybody.", Sherlock added.

"Don't be. You'll do fantastic."

"Yes, Jim said the same, but..."

"It will be fine, Sherlock. I'll do most of the talking", Jim said softly.

 

"When you're doing it, just act like you're talking to Jim.", John suggested.

"Yes. In fact...why don't we do it that way? It's about codes and communication. Making the presentation a dialogue makes sense."

Sherlock nodded. "I'd find that easier." He said, closing his eyes again.

Jim looked at Sherlock, and thought about what would happen tomorrow. There had to be another way. Anything. But he knew there wasn't. They had to make today perfect for Sherlock. He glanced at John, and took Sherlock's hand to his lips and kissed it.

They didn’t move for a while, talking about nothing and enjoying being together. Sherlock looked happy, and that was what mattered to Jim.

"Sherlock? We should go", he said after a while.

"I don't want to", Sherlock muttered.

"You know you need to." John said softly, glancing at Jim.

 

"John has to rest", Jim added.

Sherlock looked up, feeling guilty. "Okay", he said, sitting on the bed. Then he looked at John. "Can I kiss you?"

"Course you can. Go on."

 

Jim watched them as they kissed, slow and tenderly. After a moment he looked away. It hurt to see Sherlock so happy, knowing what was to come.

"I love you", Sherlock whispered.

 

"Sherlock, we have to go, and you know it", Jim insisted.

"We'll come back tomorrow", said Sherlock looking John in the eyes

"John? You should rest tomorrow, why don't you text us when you want us to come?", Jim said. He was getting a bit nervous, and he could see John needed to think about what he had to do. And he had to be alone for that.

"I love you too." John said, kissing Sherlock’s cheek. "I'll text one of you tomorrow, don't worry."

 

Reluctantly, Sherlock stood up and, holding Jim's hand, walked to the door. "See you tomorrow", Sherlock whispered, smiling.

Jim looked at John, wanting to tell him a hundred things. "Rest. You need it", he said instead.

John nodded. "Maybe. I think they want to do tests tomorrow."

 

Jim nodded too, and walked out of the room, still holding Sherlock's hand.

 

"Wait, I left my presents", Sherlock said with a smile, opening the door again.

 

Jim didn’t say anything. Sherlock clearly wanted another kiss, and a moment alone with John. He waited, getting more and more nervous and trying to hide it.

 

When Sherlock came out of the room, he was smiling broadly. Jim forced a smile, and took his hand. “Let’s go home”, he said softly. He had got used to stop hiding from Sherlock. And now he had to do it again.

He hated it.


	96. Chapter 96

“Today was perfect”, Sherlock told him, looking happy. Jim just took his hand, and kept walking towards the car. This was wrong.

 

Once in the car, Sherlock hugged him. It still surprised Jim that Sherlock touched him so casually now. “Stop worrying. I’m fine. John will be fine soon and everything will go back to normal”.

 

Jim nodded, forced a smile and hated himself a bit more for lying to Sherlock.

 

When they arrived home (and Jim thought about Sherlock’s house as home now. It felt more like a home than his own house), there was a letter. Sherlock opened it, and grinned.

 

“It’s from my mother!”

 

Jim smiled, and headed to the kitchen to prepare something from dinner.

 

“What does she say?”, he asked after a moment.

 

“That....she had no access to a phone, and...she wishes she could talk to me”, Sherlock replied. Then he frowned.

 

“Sherlock? What’s wrong?”

 

“This was sent about a month ago. See the paper and the ink? And the date here? I...something’s wrong, Jim”

 

“Sherlock....what does your mother do?”

 

Sherlock hesitated. “I’m not supposed to tell. In fact...I’m not even supposed to know. But...” He sighed. “...She works for the government. Intelligence. My father did that too, until he died. I...we...couldn’t even have a proper funeral. National security.” he finished bitterly.

 

Jim hugged him silently, not knowing what t say. Finally, he had an idea. “What about your brother?”

 

“Mycroft? What about him?”

 

“Well, if something had happened, he’d knew, right? And he’d have told you”

 

Sherlock thought about his words, and finally smiled. “You’re probably right”.

 

“I’m always right”, Jim teased, kissing him tenderly. “Now...finish your dinner and let’s go to bed”

 

Sherlock looked at him, and blushed slightly. “Yes, Jim”, he replied, smiling at him. 

 

He got a text from John shortly after. He sighed, and read it without Sherlock noticing.

 

"I am so sorry you are in this position. - John"

 

He could think about that later. Now...Sherlock was happy, and Jim intended to keep him like that the longer he could.

 

Jim had discovered that he loved Sherlock’s body, and the way it reacted when Jim touched it. The way Sherlock trusted him completely. If only Jim could do the same. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Sherlock, he did, but the idea of not being in control was terrifying. So he didn’t even let Sherlock touch him. Sherlock didn’t ask why, didn’t protest. He just accepted what Jim could give him. So they just kissed for a long time, and after that Jim explored Sherlock’s body. He’ll never get tired of that.

 

And, afterwards, Sherlock fell asleep between his arms.

 

“Happy birthday, love”, he whispered once Sherlock was asleep.

 

Now...time for business. He took his phone, and put it on silent mode, not wanting to wake Sherlock up. Then he read John’s text again, and sighed.

 

"After what I told Greg last time, either you say you made a deal with me, or that I got tired of you. I don't want to do anything to his sister-Jim"

"I'll tell him you got bored of me. He'd believe that more, sadly. - John"

 

Jim couldn't sleep. Which was stupid, given that he had to be alert tomorrow, but he couldn't help it. Not even with Sherlock between his arms. After a while, he took his phone again, knowing that John would be awake too. 

"Did you read what he wrote?,-Jim

 

"No. What did it say? - John"

 

The way he describes me...that's not real. I'm not like that and could never be-Jim

 

"It obviously is. He doesn't make it up, Jim. You need to believe you're a good person. - John." 

 

A good person that tomorrow has to tell Greg that is tired of you, and that he can do what he wants with you. In a way Greg believes it. I'll have to hurt you. And he'll hate me-Jim

 

It needs to be done for his safety, you know that. I know it will hurt and I am so sorry. I have to act like I don't love him anymore for Greg to really believe it. – John

 

I know. Just remember that whatever I say to you before Greg is not true-Jim

 

I know. Don't worry, I know. - John

 

And our deal stands. Maybe not with Sherlock, but between you and me-Jim

 

Which one? - John

 

If you hurt yourself, i'll do it too-Jim

Oh. Well, yes of course. I expected that anyway. - John

 

And remember that if something goes wrong, if he hurts you....scream. There's always somebody outside your door- Jim

I know. And if you need help with Sherlock, still text me. I will still help. - John

I always need help with Sherlock -Jim

.Oh and what happened with Seb and Molly?-John

 

Nothing, really. I told Molly what was going on, and that Sherlock couldn't know. She said I was an idiot, and that you and I were going to ruin out best chance at happiness. –Jim

 

She would do the same for Sebastian. – John

 

Maybe she is right. Maybe Sherlock will hate us. We are lying to him-Jim

 

He won't hate you. Explain it to him and he will just be upset. Actually wait. Yes, tell him on your way here tomorrow when I text you to come. He will look upset and a bit angry. That will help, as horrible as it sounds. It matches what I had to tell Greg. – John

 

Tell him what? -Jim

White lies. Tell him I need to act like I want to be with Greg, to stop him being so cruel. That you have to be cold, for it to work. That it is for everybody's safety. And that I will be safe cause of Greg's dad.- John

 

I can tell him that. It's not a lie, not the whole truth. It will work. But he'll hate it and will try to talk you out of it-Jim

 

I'll handle that. – John

 

I'm going to try to sleep. You should, too. We need to be rested for tomorrow –Jim

 

There was no reply, and Jim put his phone on the table again. He didn't want to sleep, not while he was feeling like that. But he knew he had to, so he tried.   
Two hours later, he was still trying. He was scared. Today had been so perfect. And tomorrow it would be over. He knew that the nightmares were worse when he fell asleep scared. And after the last two nights, he didn't want to face his nightmares again. 

He looked at Sherlock's paceful expression. It was worth it.

Some time after that, he decided to text John. Maybe he was still awake.

 

"I hope it works -Jim"

It was the closest he could say to admit he was scared.

So do I – John

 

Jim moved closer to Sherlock, and closed his eyes. When had this became so familiar? He listened to his steady breathing, and tried not to think about tomorrow.

And hour after that he woke up screaming, not even remembering what had been in his dreams.

Sherlock woke up, startled, and hugged Jim. He didn't say anything. Instead, he kissed him and hold him until he calmed down enough to fell asleep again. Because...it was Sherlock holding him, not the other way round. It was a first, and it made Jim felt safe and loved.


	97. Chapter 97

Jim woke up and he couldn't move. Somebody was holding him. No. No, that meant...He tried to calm down and make sense of the situation, but he knew his father only restrained him when he was planning something he couldn't stand without moving.  He tried to move anyway, because fighting kept him alive, even if he knew he couldn’t win.  
  
"Jim! Jim, it's me, Sherlock, you are fine."  
  
He listened to that voice-safe, familiar-, until he felt in control. It had been just a memory. Not real. Sherlock was here, and he was real. And then he realised what he had done, what Sherlock would know because of it.    
  
"I...need a shower", he muttered. He knew he was running away, but he needed it. Why was he so weak?

 

Warm water helped. It always did. Feeling warm made him remember that the past was gone. He didn’t want Sherlock to know about it. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him. But...Sherlock was so...good. There were things he shouldn’t know. And it would change the way he saw Jim, the way he treated him. Jim hated pity.

 

So he decided to ignore what had happened, hoping Sherlock would do the same. He got dressed and went back on the room, keeping all his emotions out of his face. It made Sherlock look sad, but Jim couldn’t do better. It had to be enough.  
  
Routine helped, too. It was Sunday, so there was no school, but they had to study. They made breakfast together, and worked on the presentation a bit more. It was familiar, and made Jim relax a bit.

 

They talked about everything but about what had happened during the night and morning. Jim had never told Sherlock about his past. He had told John while Sherlock was there, but it wasn't the same.  
  
    
After lunch, Jim got a text from John, asking how things were and telling them Greg had been there for a while and they could go. He told Sherlock the last part, and it made him smile.

 

They kept working on the presentation until it was time to leave. Jim knew he had to tell Sherlock what was going to happen, but waited until the last moment, at the door of the hospital.  
   
   
   
"Sherlock, do you trust me?"  
   
   
   
"Of course"  
   
   
   
"And John?"  
   
   
   
"Yes. What is wrong, Jim?"  
   
   
   
Jim took his hand and looked him in the eyes, hoping he'd understand. "What I told Greg the other day wasn't enough, and you know it. So John had an idea. He is going  to pretend..."  
   
   
   
Sherlock moved away. "No! I'm tired of pretending. And of you two making plans without me. You two never trust me! I'm the oldest one, you know?"  
   
   
   
"Sherlock, wait!"  
   
   
   
Sherlock didn't answer, and walked inside.  
   
   
   
Jim run after him, and grabbed his hand. "Don't do that! Do you want to put him into danger?"  
   
   
   
Sherlock glared at him and walked into the lift.  
   
   
   
Jim closed his eyes, and tried to calm himself. 

I was telling him. He didn't let me speak, and was angry at me. He's almost there, I'll be there soon too-Jim

Damn, I'm sorry. Greg's gone to meet his dad for a while, but we don't have long. I'll talk to Sherlock. Hopefully he'll listen to me. If not... I'll need to be harsh. - John  
    
    
I'll give you five minutes, then-Jim

 

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, and then he walked to the stairs. That would give John time, and Jim needed to calm down. Maybe he wasn’t made for this. Relationships were so complicated.

 

When he arrived to the door, he could hear them. He hesitated, and decided to wait a bit more. Listening to them could help Jim figure out what to do with Sherlock  
   
    
"My opinion doesn't matter. As always", Jim heard Sherlock say coldly.  
    
"Nobody ever said that." John snapped. "Why do you never see that what Jim and I do, we do for you? We sacrifice over and over so we can make sure you are happy. Even if it makes us sad."  
   
"Yes, I see it. I see how you two decide what is best for me without even asking me. Because, _of course_ , you know better than me"  
    
 "I am really too damn tired to deal with this, especially from you. We were obviously going to tell you, you idiot. Jim tried, but you didn't let him. Would you rather us say nothing at all and leave you totally to your own defenses?"   
    
"No. I'd rather be a part of this. Help you to plan it. Not be left out until you have no other choice"  
    
"We did have a choice. It's been planned and done. I've already known what I'm going to do for a while. I only told Jim when he was here for the day. So, technically, I know what I'm doing. I didn't need to tell anybody at all and could have just done it myself."  
    
"You don't get it. You are not alone anymore. We are together, we plan things together. Or, at least, I thought so."    
   
"This won't even work if it's clear that you know!" John sighed.

 

They calmed down after that, and Jim could only hear them talking, but not the words. That was a good sign, right? He decided to wait a couple of minutes, just in case. Sherlock had sounded so sad. And John so tired. They needed a moment alone without fighting.

  

He heard footsteps, and looked up. Greg. Jim kept his face carefully blank, and didn’t say anything until Greg was by his side. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, and frowned when he saw Jim.

  
"What are you doing here? I thought you got _bored_ of him."  
    
"Sherlock wanted to visit and asked _nicely_ ", he said, shrugging. "I have no interest in talking to Johnny or in seeing the tearful goodbye"  
    
Greg took a sip of his coffee. "Going to stay away from him now?"  
    
He shrugged again."Maybe. But Sherlock gets depressed if he doesn't see John for too long, and...he gets boring if he is depressed", Jim replied, hating himself for saying it. Because the first part was true.   
    
"I'm surprised you don't use his depression against him like you used John's."  
    
"There's no need. Sherlock is _mine_. And, as I told you, he is boring when depressed. John is....too broken. But Sherlock is fond of him, so..." He shrugged again, and ignored his emotions.  
    
   
Greg hummed thoughtfully, taking another sip of coffee. "Suppose I should be _polite_ and wait here, then." He sighed, leaning against the wall.  
    
   
Jim looked at him silently. That gave John and Sherlock more time together, so it was a good thing. "Fine. Let's be... _polite_. You want John. I don't understand why, but I can see you do"

He snorted. "You didn't get that before? I thought I'd made myself clear."  
     
   
"I don't get _why_. He is ordinary, and broken. He makes Sherlock more interesting, and it's fun to play with them, but on his own...no, I don't get it", he replied in an indifferent tone. He didn’t think it would work, but it was worth a try.   
    
Greg shrugged. "Suppose that's for me to know. And he's not broken. Not yet."    
   
"Oh, come on. If you break him any more, not even Sherlock will want him", he said with a smile.  
    
Greg grinned. "Exactly."  
    
Jim raised an eye brow. "Really? How is that fun? Breaking John is too easy"  
    
"That's what you think. You clearly don't know how to do it properly, to drag it out. I've had years of practice on him."  
    
"Don't know how to do it? I managed quite well two years ago", he replied, smiling coldly.  
    
"Yeah, for nine months." Greg snorted. "Pathetic really."  
    
"I got bored", he said, shrugging again. "Will you be...polite and leave Sherlock alone, or are we going to have problems?"  
   
    
Greg shrugged again. "John seems keen on him. Though I intend to change that, I have nothing against Sherly. He's just some shy kid."  
    
"He asked if he could visit and paid the price I asked for it. Is that a problem for you?", Jim insisted. Sherlock needed to see John.   
    
"What was the price?", Greg asked, curious.  
    
He grinned, and didn't answer. That way Greg could imagine what he wanted. It was something what always worked.   
   
Greg chuckled. "Should have known. And for the rest of the time that John will be in hospital, I'd like forewarning if you're bringing your pet here. I don't want this to happen again where I have to wait outside."  
    
"Every day, for at least an hour. And not right after school. Let's say...an hour and a half after school. This way Sherlock would be the one having to wait". And he could make sure John was okay after Greg’s visit.   
    
Greg nodded slowly. "I suppose that will do. Will you be going in too?" He rose a brow.  
    
"Maybe. I haven't decided yet", he repeated in an indifferent tone. He wanted to, but not if it put John into danger.   
    
"Scared Sherly will off himself while with John?"  
    
"Not specially. He won't do anything without permission. But sometimes they are interesting to see. They fight about everything."  
    
He snorted. "Oh, really? For example."  
    
" _Everything_. Can't you hear them? Not the words, of course, but....just listen. The only things they do are fighting and kissing. So I got bored."  
    
Greg paused and listened closely, sipping more coffee. "Huh. What a shit relationship."  
    
   
Jim nodded. "But it's fun to see, sometimes."  
   
   
Greg grinned. "I suppose it would be. I'm surprised they lasted this long."  
   
   
"That was my doing. Now i'm curious to see how they manage alone", Jim said with a smile.  
   
   
He rolled his eyes. "They won't. I bet you."  
  
"We'll see", Jim replied grinning.. "Oh, and about Molly...you know I'm _polite_ , but Sebastian isn't. And he likes her."  
   
    
Greg chuckled. "What can I say? Can't get her off my mind." He drawled sarcastically.  
    
   
"Your problem, not mine.", Jim said shrugging. "Sebastian is protective, as you already know", Jim said, glancing at his watch.   
   
Greg tapped his foot anxiously. "What time is it?"  
   
"Almost four. Time to go. As they are not shouting, I suppose they're kissing. Let's interrupt them", he said, grinning. "Unless you have any objections", Jim replied, hating himself a bit more for it. But John wanted to do this.   
    
"Oh no." He smiled, though a hint of jealousy shone through. He opened the door without knocking, walking in casually as he sipped his coffee.  
   
 John broke away from the kiss, startled, and look at Greg a bit guiltily , playing to the part.  
    
 "Love you", Sherlock whispered, moving away and staring at the floor.  
   
 "Sherlock. Time to go", Jim said firmly.  
   
 "But..."  
   
  "Time. To. Go"  
   
 Sherlock looked again at John, and walked towards Jim.  
   
  
"See ya." Greg smirked.   
  
Jim glanced at John, and, taking Sherlock's hand, walked to the door. "We'll come back tomorrow, about an hour and a half after school. Bye, Johnny. Greg." Jim said, trying to ignore the way John flinched at the name.


	98. Chapter 98

Sherlock wasn't talking to him, and Jim had no idea of how to fix it. He was almost sure that if he talked Sherlock would shout at him, and that would hurt too much. So he didn't say anything. 

In the car, Sherlock stared at the window and ignored him. And Jim didn't know how to reach him. When they arrived home, Sherlock went to his room and started to play the violin.

Jim sat on the bed, feeling strangely empty, wondering what he should do. Sherlock’s music sounded so sad. 

Jim waited, and tried to find a solution. He went to the kitchen, and prepared something for dinner. And waited. And waited. But Sherlock didn’t come out of his room. Finally, he decided to text John. It was late, and the visit hours were over, so Greg wouldn’t be there. 

"He's been playing the violin for five hours, and is not talking to me. I don't know what to do -Jim"

He sent the text, and stared at the screen, waiting for an answer that didn’t arrive. And waited. And waited. 

 

John didn’t answer. That could mean a lot of things. He could be sleeping. He could be still with Greg, somehow. Or maybe he didn't know what to do, either. Maybe this wasn't fixable. He waited a couple of minutes more. Now Sherlock wasn't even playing, and the silence was much worse. Finally. He decided to go for a walk. He needed some air. And time to figure out what to do. But he couldn’t just leave. Sherlock would worry, and Jim had promised John not to leave him alone. He took his notebook, and began to write a note. Why was this so difficult?

I'm sorry about everything. I'll be back in a while. I love you. Jim

He read it again, still unsure, specially about the last part. He glanced at his phone again, and put the note on Sherlock’s plate. Then he walked outside.

It was colder than he expected, and his jacket was a bit too thin, but he couldn’t go back right now. He looked at the house again, and sighed. When had it started to feel like home? He couldn’t go too far, he didn’t want to leave Sherlock alone for too long. Maybe he could go to the park at the end of the street and come back. 

Walking always made Jim calm down. And being outside too. He kept looking at the screen of his phone every now and then, but John didn't answer, and Jim started to worry about him. What if something was wrong? John could be hurt. He considered calling him, but...maybe he was overreacting and John was just sleeping. 

Once in the park, he sat on a bench in a dark corner. The park was empty, and nobody could see him. Suddenly, he felt tears forming in his eyes. No. No, that was a weakness. He had to be strong. He took a deep breath, wiped his tears and headed back to Sherlock’s house.

When he arrived, he realised something: he didn't known the code. He didn't have a key. He had been staying with Sherlock for almost a week, and Sherlock didn't trust him enough to give him a key. It was late, and there was no music coming from the house. And no light but the one he had forgotten to turn off in the kitchen.   
Sherlock would be sleeping. Jim sat with his back against the door, wondering what to do.

And then he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. Sherlock probably hated him right now. And he couldn’t see John, because that would put him into danger. Being alone had never bothered him before, but now it made him feel empty.

He cried until he had no tears left, and then he realised how cold he was. He stood up, and observed the house. There was still no light in the house but the one in the kitchen that he had forgotten to turn off. No light in Sherlock's room. He should be sleeping. He took his phone, thinking that he could try to call him, or John, who still hadn't replied. But he had no battery. How long has he been gone? He couldn’t leave, he had promised John. But he was really cold. 

He sat with his back against the door, and wrapped his arms around his knees. He couldn't leave. But he couldn't wake Sherlock up either. And suddenly the door moved, and he felt Sherlock's arms around him, incredible warm and comforting.

"I was an idiot. Come inside, please", Sherlock whispered.

Jim moved closer to Sherlock. He was warm, and sounded so worried. It was nice to have somebody worrying about him.

"You need a bath. Come", Sherlock said, walking inside with Jim.

Once in the bathroom Sherlock took off Jim's clothes, and Jim didn't protest. Sherlock’s hands were so warm "Why didn't you come inside?", Sherlock asked as he helped him to get in the water.

"I don't have a key, and didn't want to wake you up", Jim muttered.

"Jim....", Sherlock whispered sadly.

Jim closed his eyes. He was tired, and felt strange. "We should go to school"

"You should stay home. You’re too pale"

"I've already missed Friday. I can't. Go and get dressed, and bring me some clothes"

Sherlock nodded, kissed him again and went to his room. Jim sighed, and relaxed in the warm water. 

"I'll call school and say you are ill, and that I'm taking care of you"

Jim sighted. "No, Sherlock. How could you explain that? I'm supposed to be living with my mother. I'll be fine. I just need a minute"

"No"

Jim blinked, and looked at Sherlock. "What?", he asked, surprised.

"I said no. I know I promised to do what you asked me to do, but...you aren't thinking clearly now. You can't go to school like this, and you can't be alone"

"Fine. Take me home. I'll be fine", Jim said. And then he sneezed.

"No. You are staying here. We both are". Sherlock took his phone. "Hi, I'm Sherlock Holmes. I'm calling because Jim is still ill, and his mother has to work, so I'm staying with him today....Yes. Yes, of course, I'll be there tomorrow....Yes...Yes, I'll call somebody to bring us some notes....No, it's just a cold...Yes.....yes, okay"

"Now shut up, and get out of there", Sherlock said, taking a towel

Jim was too tired to fight, and let Sherlock dry him, help him dress and take him to the bed. Sherlock's bed, not his.

"Wait here. I'll bring you something to eat", Sherlock said, kissing his cheek.

Jim lay down, and took a deep breath. The bed smelt like Sherlock, and a bit like John, even after all these days. It was....safe. Comforting. 

Sherlock came back shortly after with a bowl of soup and sat on the bed. 

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine", Jim replied. 

"Liar"

Jim smiled, and sneezed again. 

"I brought you some soup", he said, handing it to him. Jim sat up on the bed and began to eat it. It was a bit salty, but it was warm. And Sherlock had made it for him. 

 

"Now lie down", Sherlock said when Jim finished. 

"You are bossy today", Jim muttered

"And you are as bad as John when you need help", Sherlock said, lying on the bed. "Come here"

Jim hesitated, remembering last morning.

"I won't hold you. Just come closer. We both need to sleep"

"You didn't sleep", Jim stated. "Why?"

"Because I was worried about you. Now shut up and sleep"

"My phone. I need..."

"Already took care of that. Sleep"

Jim closed his eyes, and tried to relax.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

Jim opened his eyes, and looked at Sherlock. He was so worried..."I'll wake you up"

"So?"

"I don't want to wake you up", Jim muttered. 

"Jim, you need to sleep. And I don't mind if you wake me up. Now stop worrying and sleep"  
Jim looked at him, and nodded. He was exhausted. He couldn’t fight Sherlock like this, not when he was being so stubborn. 

Jim woke up several hours later, and, for a second, he didn't know where he was. Sherlock's room. What was he doing here? He looked at Sherlock, who was sleeping, and decided to close his eyes and wait for him to wake up. It didn't took long.

"You look better. How do you feel?"

"Tired", said Jim honestly. "What time is it?"

"5"

He had a lot of things to do. He shouldn't be in bed. "Where is my phone?"

Sherlock pointed to the desk. "I charged it , but it's still turned off"

Jim sat on the bed, and stood up. But he felt dizzy, and had to sit again. "I...I need to..."

"You need to go back to bed. I'll take care of everything"

 

Sherlock gave Jim his phone. As soon as it was on, it started to sound. "Something urgent?", Sherlock asked. 

"A text from you. Another one from John. Two lost calls from Molly. A text from Seb. And a lost call from a number I don't know"

"Nothing urgent. Rest."

"Sherlock, could you...go and see if my mother is alright? I haven't seen her since Friday. And you should visit John. I told Greg that you'll be visiting for an hour every day"

"I'm not leaving you alone"

"Call Molly. Or Seb. No, he works today. Molly", he said, sneezing again. He replied to John and to Seb. "I'm fine. It's just a cold-Jim"

Sherlock called Molly, and she said she'll be there in half an hour, with some notes of what they'd done at school today.

He left when Molly arrived, after kissing Jim again. "Don't get up. Promise me"

Jim smiled. "I promise. Now go"


	99. Chapter 99

The day was....quiet. Sherlock texted him saying that his mother was okay, and that he was on his way to the hospital. 

Molly, somehow, made Jim stay in bed the whole day. Jim was feeling much better, and, after lunch, he was almost back to normal. It was nice, having Molly there. Jim talked to her for a while. And she just listened, like she always did. For some reason, it made Jim believe that things would be okay after all.

Later , he had a call from an unknown number, the same that had called the night before. It was from the hospital, he had the physical exam the following day. Great. Hopefully he'd be recovered by then. But it was just a cold. Everybody got them. Normal people got them. It would be okay. He touched the bruise carefully, but it didn’t hurt. It would be gone by tomorrow. He was nervous, though. When Molly was in the bathroom, he took his phone and texted John. 

 

"Everything ok with Sherlock?-Jim"

"Yeah, everything is fine. He's on his way back to you now, he just left.- John."

Good. I have a physical exam tomorrow. Same hospital. Might be able to go and visit you, if you're alone -Jim

I don't think I'll be alone. Oh dear. Has the bruise healed much? You could come here earlier and I could put on make up for you. – John

Almost gone, thank to you. And they'd notice the make up, it would make things worse. I'll text you while i'm there, in case you're alone -Jim

Cool. I think Greg has a meeting with the school, so it should be fine. Lather on the cream tonight and if it's not gone in the morning, just tell them you were playing rugby in P.E- John

That's what I told Lestrade. It seemed to work -Jim

It's what I used to tell him as a kid. – John

He was about to reply, when Molly entered the room and took his phone. "Sleep. No more texting". He sighted. Everybody was bossy today. And he was too tired to fight. 

"Who were you texting?"

"John"

Molly sighed, and took her phone. She sent a text, and got another one. Then she showed Jim the screen. 

Jim needs to rest. Do you need anything? -Molly

No, everything is fine. I was letting him know that Sherlock is on his way back. Talk to you later, Molly. - John

"See? Nothing that can't wait", Molly said, sitting on the bed. "And...since you're awake, let's talk about Sherlock"

"W...what?", Jim asked, confused. What about Sherlock? He had told her a bit before, but not much. Things were still confusing. And...he was in Sherlock’s bed now. That was new, and Jim was still getting used to it. 

"Start by telling me why he looks so guilty when he sees you".

Jim bit his lip, remembering last night, how they’d fight and how Jim had left and ended up spending the night outside. He told Molly what had happened It felt good to have somebody to talk to.

Sherlock came back shortly after, and Molly left. She wanted to see Sebastian in the shop. They thanked her, and Jim looked at Sherlock, unsure.

“I...have something for you”, Sherlock said shyly, taking Jim’s hand.

Jim smiled, feeling warm inside. “A present? What is it?”

Sherlock handed him a box, and Jim took it, wondering what it would be. It was small. He opened it, and found a key inside. “Is this....”

Sherlock nodded. “It’s from the house. I should have given it to you long ago, but....there was so many things going on....”

Jim stared at the key. Sherlock wanted him here. And he trusted him enough to give him the key. “Sherlock, I....” he muttered, speechless. “Are you sure?”

Sherlock nodded again, and smiled at Jim. “If...you want it. You live here, now, and...I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. Ever”

He lived here, yes. Just until John came back. But...until then, he could enjoy it. He smiled, and took the key. Then he kissed Sherlock slow and tenderly. “Thank you”, he whispered against his lips. Sherlock wanted him here, and it made Jim feel warm inside. 

“So...how were things in the hospital?” Jim asked after a while.

Sherlock shrugged. “Greg was there. I don’t know, it was...weird. He was nice”. 

Jim frowned. That didn’t sound good. “What do you mean, nice?”

“Well...he didn’t look angry when I kissed John. Didn’t interrupt. He and John talked for a while, and John looked relaxed. And...he didn’t say anything mean to me”

“Be careful, Sherlock. I don’t trust him”.

“Neither do I”, Sherlock replied. “He...I don’t know. I was telling John about the presentation, and I mentioned I was nervous. He....he wasn’t...mean, but...he told me everything that....could go wrong, and....and I....just looked down and didn’t answer”

Jim squeezed Sherlock’s hand. “Good. Act shy and harmless. Like you are when you’re too nervous. That way he won’t mind you being there, because he won’t see you as a threat”.

Sherlock nodded, and they talked for a while, discussing what to do about Greg. Sherlock told Jim everything Greg had said to him. They talked about John too. They both were worried, and talking about it made Jim feel better. And then Sherlock said he had to do something downstairs, and left the room. Jim watched him leave, curious, but didn’t ask. He sat up on the bed, and put the key in his key-ring with the rest of his keys. 

Sherlock came back half and hour later with a tray. Jim looked at him, surprised. 

"You made something for dinner?", Jim asked with a smile

Sherlock nodded, sitting on the bed.

"Thank you"

Sherlock didn't say anything, and observed how Jim started to eat it. It was lasagne, one of his favourite foods. He’d made it a few days ago. Sherlock should have written the recipe down. He tasted it, and smiled. 

"Sherlock? Have you...tasted it?", he asked softly.

"N...no. Is something wrong?"

Jim laughed. "Here. Eat this".

"It's...sweet. It's not supposed to be sweet", Sherlock said, frowning. 

"Sherlock, you used sugar instead of salt", Jim said, smiling. Sherlock was so good at the lab. It amazed Jim that he was unable to cook. 

"But it's good", Sherlock said, defensive

Jim nodded. "Weird, but good. Let's share it", he suggested. 

They ate in silence for a while, but it was a comfortable silence. Familiar. And then Jim told Sherlock about the call from the hospital. As he had expected, Sherlock wanted to go with him. But Jim knew that it would be bad enough alone. With Sherlock there...no. Having a stranger looking at his body and examining him was bad enough. He didn’t want Sherlock to see. So he told him to go to school and take notes for him. He'll go the first two periods, and left for the hospital later.

They stayed in Sherlock's room for the night. It was...strange, to be here. This was John's place. But Sherlock looked more comfortable here, and Jim didn't want to move. 

Having spent the morning sleeping, they weren't tired, so they stayed awake a long time, talking in whispers and holding each other. 

When they finally fell asleep, Jim felt strangely relaxed. It felt good to have somebody taking care of him.

They woke up to the sound of the alarm of Sherlock's phone. If he had had any nightmares, Jim didn't remember them. He looked around, confused, wondering where he was. And them Sherlock kissed him, and Jim remembered. Sherlock’s room. He could get used to waking up like this. 

Jim was feeling much better. The morning went as usual. They had breakfast together, and went to school. Jim had missed a couple of days, but everything was easy anyway. 

The school had been notified about his medical tests, of course. Jim knew it by the way the teachers looked at him, with that worried expression he hated, because it meant they pitied him.

Sherlock walked with him to the entrance, holding his hand.

“Let me go with you”, Sherlock asked again.

For a moment, Jim considered it. He always felt better when Sherlock was there. But he hated the idea of Sherlock seeing him weak and helpless. “No, stay. I need you to take notes for me”, he replied. “It’ll be okay. I’ll see you later”

Sherlock nodded reluctantly, and kissed him. 

Jim went to the hospital, hating that this was necessary. Once a year, he had to go through this. And the physical exam was the easy part. Not that it was easy, but it was better than the other one. No. No, he wasn’t going to think about that now. He was nervous enough. It was the last time, at least. 

Jim hated hospitals. And he hated being examined like that. They treated his body as if he wasn't there, as if he were a thing instead of a person. Made him take off his clothes, and examine everything. He felt as helpless as he had with his father. As if his body was not his to decide what it was done to it. They took some blood samples, weighted and measured him, touched him more than he felt comfortable with. Stared at his scars and asked questions about everthing, from eating habits to his sex life. When it was over, he felt emotionally exhausted, and his body felt disgusting.

He texted Sherlock, telling him that he was okay, and then hesitated. He didn’t want to go back to school. Maybe he cold visit John. But not if Greg was there, he couldn’t face Greg right now. 

Are you alone? –Jim

Yep. Come on over. How did it go? – John

Jim didn't answer, but two minutes after that he knocked at John's door.


	100. Chapter 100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this has already 100 chapters...thank you so much for reading, and for leaving kudos and comments!

"Come in." John called through a yawn.

Jim opened the door. He didn't try to hide his emotions; it felt wrong with John, and he felt too bad for it anyway. 

"Hi", he muttered, closing the door behind him

John sighed at Jim's expression. "That bad?" He asked quietly.

"I hate being...studied", Jim muttered.

"I know.", John replied softly.

Jim started to pace across the room, trying to calm down. "I...I hate it. The way they talk about me as if I wasn't there, the way they...stare at me..."

"They want to help, Jim. They don't understand it and are ignorant to what it feels like."

Jim looked at him, took a deep breath and sat down. "I know. It's just..." He closed his eyes and breathed again. "Everybody does it. They experiment on me, and call it _helping_."

John offered his hand to Jim as comfort. "If it's any help, I have to go for a physical exam in a couple of days along with a psychological one."

He squeezed John's hand. "When you make a test, ask what it for is. Don't sign any authorisation to use your tests for research, no matter how they try to convince you. I've done...I don't know. Hundreds of tests."

John grimaced. "God.. Who does that to someone." He muttered.

"They said that it would help other children. Well, they didn't say it to me, but I was in the room. When I...was able to ask, they said that they had to see how much I'd improved. But I searched my doctors on the scientific data bases, and found the articles. Don't...let that be done to you"

John shook his head. "I-I won't." He promised. 

"I know this is not the same, but it...feels the same. And...it's the same thing he did. Experiment"

John nodded in understanding. "I can see how it would feel the same. They won't be able to do it when you turn eighteen will they?"

"No. Unless this...evaluation proves that I'm...unstable and unable to live on my own"

John sighed. "I don't think there's anything that they could use so far. And I still haven't been called for the interview, though I don't think they'd do it while I'm in hospital."

"They'll talk with my mother", Jim replied nervously. 

"Oh dear."

"I know. Last time...she wasn't that bad."

"She seems to be improving though, right?"

Jim shook his head. "She won't get better. She has some good days, but..." He looked at the window, and tried to clear his mind. "I took her to a lot of doctors. She has a neurodegenerative disease. There's no cure for that. She also has...some kind of neurotic disorder. Anxiety. It's always been there, but...it got worse. Imagine....how would it feel, not recognising the people around you."

John sighed, biting his lip. "I can't begin to imagine it." He said softly.

"I have a job. I take care of her, and have good grades at school. But...." But he was still under age. And....unstable. Or that was what his reports said. 

"And you have friends who are willing to help you no matter what." John added.

"Yes, but...what if...that's not enough?"

"Then I suppose you'll have to do what you've planned." 

Jim nodded. "I know. For the first time in my life, I don't want to leave, and I might have to"

"You can always come back." 

"I was...feeling bad, and Sherlock....took care of me. He...even cooked, and brought me the food to the bed", he said with a smile. "I...I don't....want to lose that. I don’t want to lose him"

"You might not. There's more of a chance that you won't."

"I know. I'm just altered because of what happened. And..." Unsure, he showed John a mark on his neck. A love bite. "They...asked about this. Asked about...everything."

John grimaced and looked away from the mark. "That must have been awkward”, he muttered.

"It makes _you_ awkward. Sorry", Jim replied. He still wasn't sure of the boundaries between the three of them.

"Mm. A bit. But for them to ask you questions about it must have been awkward too." 

"They asked _everything_. About that mark. About...sex. About how much I ate, and when. Everything"

John frowned. "That is so intrusive."

"The physical part is the...easy one. The interviews...they'll ask me about my life. About my friends, and school. But also about...how I feel...about what...my father did. I can't...I have to lie. I've never told anybody, before you. I can't...talk about that to a stranger who is taking notes and judging me".

"Then lie. Do what you have to, to stay."

"That's the point. I need to distance from it, from myself. It's what I always do. But I'm finding that...difficult"

John pulled a face. "I think you need a day to yourself to sort it out in your head."

"I have to distance myself from emotions to be able to talk about it, even if I'm lying. From...all emotions. Sherlock asks me to stop hiding, and makes that very difficult. I think you're right, but...."

"You need to practice." He sighed. "Wait here until Greg comes. Say you're waiting for Sherlock."

He didn't want to face Greg right now, but John was right. He had...relaxed, lately. He had became confident. It had felt so good to have somebody taking care of him...But he couldn't allow that, not right now. "Okay", he replied, after a moment of silence.

He nodded. "It will be fine. He's not so.. Harsh anymore."

"You are kidding, right? Sherlock told me what happened yesterday."

"That was him trying to be nice."

"No. That was him feeding Sherlock's fears and insecurities", Jim stated.

John froze, eyes wide. "I didn't even realize."

"Come on. Pointing out how everybody will be looking at him. Make him lower his guard with compliments, and then telling him that it will be worse if he is nervous. Invading his personal space. Talking about sex, pointing out that he doesn't have experience. Making him feel unsure because of that."

"I see." John sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Fuck." 

"Greg even implied that he had had sex with you. Or, at least, that was what Sherlock believes. So now he thinks that you don't want him because he has no experience and doesn't know what to do. I told him that was stupid, but you know how difficult is to get an idea out of your mind"

John buried his face in his hands. "Danmit. I forgot how damn manipulative he was. He won't stop either." he sighed. His phone beeped but he ignored it. "And now he's on his way."

Jim nodded. John was right, he needed to practise, and Greg was perfect for that. He moved the chair slightly so he was closer to John, to the point it would look invasive, and changed his body language to project power and confidence. He closed his eyes, and focused on his breathing. "I'm sorry about anything I say to you or about you when he is here. Remember it's not true. Are you sure about this?"

John changed his body language and expression to be worried and slightly scared, with coldness. "Yep. Better with me than Sherlock”.

"If it's too much, say my whole name", he whispered, hearing steps outside. Then he smiled, in a cold and controlled way, and took John's hand. "Oh, come on, don't be like this", he said in a normal tone.

"I said no," John replied instantly, sounding distraught.

Greg opened the door and froze, anger flaring. "What's going on?" he asked calmly.

Jim smiled sweetly, squeezeing John's hand. "Oh, Greg. Hi. I wasn't expecting you. Sherlock was a bit tense last night, you know. And I thought I should pay a visit". He turned to John. "And yes, I heard you the first five times. So what? I only want to know what Sherlock finds so interesting about you"

John shook his head frantically. "I-I don't know!" He cried, glancing at Greg anxiously, trembling slightly.

Greg walked closer, closing the door, his eyes narrowed. "What the hell do you think you're doing, freak?"

Jim let go John's hand and observed him coldly, ignoring Greg for a second. The word hurt him, and he couldn't keep that totally out of his face, but luckily he was looking at John, so Greg couldn't see it. "Not especially clever, or handsome. I don't get it. He says you don't even kiss him”, he said, trying not to think too much about how much easier this was than trusting people and letting them see. 

Tears welled in John’s eyes and he bit his trembling lip. "I-I do " he whimpered. And Jim didn’t know if it was an act or not. If John was really that good, or if he’d hurt him. But he couldn’t think about that right now. 

Greg clenched his jaw. "That's enough, _James._ "

Breathe, and keep calm. He was out of practice, and the name hurt. But he kept that out of his face.. "Oh, _Gregory_ , and why should I do that? You said you'd leave Sherlock alone, and he spent half of the night crying. Do you have any idea of how boring that was? "

Greg laughed coldly. "I was being _nice_ to him. Not my fault all he knows is bitterness from you. You already said you were bored with John, so why are you here?"

"To be nice to him, of course. And to understand why Sherlock insists on visiting."

Greg snorted. "So what? Touching an obviously uncomfortable rape victim is being nice?"

John flinched at the words, looking down in shame, a tear sliding down his cheek. And Jim forced himself to look away and kept his voice cold. "Same as reminding somebody scared to speak in public that everybody is judging him”, he said calmly Then, slowly, he turned to John. He wanted to comfort him, but....no. He had to convince Greg he didn’t care, so John would be safe. And he had to practise. "Oh, not you too. I see it now. He likes you because you cry as much as him." He said, smirking.

John sucked in a shaky breath, wiping his face quickly to get rid of his tears.

Greg glared at Jim. "There is a huge difference between Sherly and Johnny here."

"I'm sure they both _love_ to be called that. Please enlighten me", Jim replied, still smiling.

"Sherly is just a privileged rich kid who never had to deal with real hardships, except for some kids knocking him down a few pegs. Where as Johnny deals with a life time of hardship constantly, since he was a child, only added unto by you, Sherly and your friends."

"You don't really know him. Neither of them", Jim replied coldly. "And what do you know about.. _.hardship_? You've never had any real problem in your life!"

Greg smirked. "And you do know them? Careful Jimmy, some would think you care." he tutted. "And you clearly don't know me either."

He ignored the first comment. Had Greg noticed something? Definitely he was out of practice. And he was getting angry. 

"Oh, I know you. I know _everything_ about everybody, remember? Greg Lestrade, the boy everybody likes, with perfect grades and lovely parents. They are divorced. So what? They're still your parents, and neither of them have ever touched you. You feel superior to everybody, and you are only a coward. Oh, I still remember my first day here. You made sure I'd never forget it. You have so many people around you that you don't even see them! So tell me how difficult was your life! And don't say you saw it in John, because we both know that you had no idea until he told you! So go on. Tell me how bad is your life!"

No, no, it wasn't supposed to go this way. Sherlock had made him emotional and vulnerable. He shouldn’t have said any of that. But he was too angry, and still shaken because of the tests.

"Like I would tell you. Not everybody's life is in a _file_ or obvious for everyone else to see on their face. I'm not an open book for you, Moriarty. And I believe you have seriously upset my boyfriend. So tell me again how little I know."

"I don't have to tell you _anything_ ", he said, as coldly as he could manage. "And, you know what? That file wasn't...public. You could get into a lot of trouble for reading it. Or get you father into a lot of trouble." He sat down again, feeling slightly more in control. "Do you really believe that...upsetting your... boyfriend compensates telling everybody at school about that? And, by the way, the thing he was more upset about was the mention of the rape. And that was all you".

Greg faltered and looked at John who had his knees to his chest and was shaking. Once more, Jim wondered if it was for show. He hoped it was.

"John?" Greg asked softly, though he was glaring at Jim.

John flinched at the sound of his name.

"Yes, it's clearly _me_ hurting him", John muttered, angry again. He should leave now. He couldn't show that he cared. But he couldn't leave John like that. "For God's sake, stop crying! You are _safe_ in a hospital. You'll be out of here soon, your parents are in prison and you'll be happily ever after with your boyfriend", he said in the same angry tone. It was the most he could do. Remind John that it was over, that he was safe and that he had Sherlock.

"I can't stand any more tears today", Jim muttered after a moment. "Sherlock will come later. Be nice", he added, walking to the door.

John looked up, eyes red and cheeks tear stained. "Bye, Jim." He muttered quietly, ignoring Greg's huffs of indignation.

Jim closed the door behind him, feeling more confused than before. He hated this. All these emotions, making it difficult to focus. And he couldn't forget John's expression. He had done that. And it had been easy. What kind of person was he? He couldn't be with Sherlock and be like this.


	101. Chapter 101

The idea of being alone in Sherlock’s house made him nervous. Maybe he could go home, and see his mother. That...would help him to distance himself from emotions. Because, as much as he hated it, he’d need that for the interviews and psychological tests. He sighed, and took his phone.

I'm going home. Pick me up after visiting John- Jim

Everything alright? -SH

More or less. Greg was here. Stop texting in class, we'll speak later -Jim

I love you- SH

Jim paused. He looked at the screen, and wrote that he loved him too. Then he deleted it. He couldn’t be emotional for this. He had to be able to distance himself from his emotions. He was about to put the phone back in his pocket when he got another text.

Still questioning my acting skill? - John

Jim sighed, relieved. John was okay. Or, at least, not as bad as it had looked. 

No. Maybe starting to question mine. I'm sorry. You alright? -Jim

You were spot on. If you didn't notice, Greg always pulls out the caring code every time you two talk. He wants you to slip. But you never do. I'm fine. – John

It was close. I'm out of practice, and I can't stand the way he talks about you and Sherlock – Jim

I know. He is disgusting. – John

Sherlock will come after school. Will Greg be there? -Jim

I don't know. He stormed out but I dunno if he will be back. – John

Then I won't risk going back today. Sherlock will be fine. He wasn't that upset, and I talked to him –Jim

Was he upset though? – John

Jealous and a bit hurt. He'll be fine –Jim

Damn. – John

And really nervous about the presentation. I'll have to think on something –Jim

It'll be okay. I'll tell Greg I need to be alone. – John

Yes, he'll believe that. You were really convincing-Jim

Really? – John

Yes. But if you want your plan to work, you might want him close –Jim

Dammit I know. I can barely stand it. – John

I'm going home now, I haven't seen my mother since last Friday. Sherlock will go today after school. Maybe with Seb and Molly, I'm not sure. Be careful –Jim

I always am. You too. – John

 

  
Jim sighed, and put his phone back in his pocket. He didn't want to go home. He wanted to go with Sherlock. But he had to be stronger for what was to come, and his mother needed him. On his way home he called Sebastian to ask about Sherlock. He’d asked Sebastian to keep Sherlock safe at school. To his surprise, everything was alright. Better than alright. Sherlock had kept making deals in his name, and Sebastian told Jim that Sherlock seemed to be having fun. Well, at least something was okay. 

Once at home, he hesitated. There was a car parked at the door. He walked inside nervously, and heard voices. The nurse. And a voice he didn’t know. 

“....not a good day. She’s usually much calmer, especially lately”

“Lately? Has something changed?”

“Well....Jim’s boyfriend visits a lot, and she’s always better after that”

“Is that....Sherlock, right? She mentioned him”

“Yes, that’s it. He’s a good kid”

 

Jim tensed, and walked into the room. His mother was aslept, clearly sedated. And the two woman turned to look at him. 

“She’s okay”, the nurse said. “I just gave him a mild sedative, because the questions altered her”.

“Of course they did”, Jim replied nervously. “And you are....?”, he asked, turning to the other woman. Jim didn’t even register her name. Just another name and another face prying into his life. A social worker this time, assessing his living environment. Jim hid the way it made him feel, and smiled at her. Then he made tea, and talked with her about his mother for a while. She asked about Sherlock too, and Jim admitted that he stayed some nights at his house. Because, of course, she’d seen the house and noticed the lack clothes in Jim’s room. 

When she finally left, Jim felt drained. And very, very scared. He went back to his mother’s room, and looked at her. She looked so peaceful when she slept. “I’ll be upstairs”, he told the nurse. “Call me if she wakes up”, he added. He knew she probably would soon. She had developed tolerance to sedatives. 

Once in his room, he sat on the bed and looked around. This...didn’t feel like home. It was just another room, full of bad memories. He closed his eyes, and tried to think. But he was too scared to think rationally. The only thing he could focus on was that they’d talked to his mother on a bad day, and what would it mean for his evaluation. He should leave. He had money, and he could work from anywhere with his laptop and an internet connection. But....he couldn’t leave Sherlock. He couldn’t leave John. He should leave, but he couldn’t. And suddenly it was too much, and he began to cry silently. He was so cold. He got into the bed, and tried to calm down. But crying....helped. 

 

He lost track of time, because, for some reason, he couldn’t stop crying. And then he heard the door opening, and he almost panicked. He couldn’t be seen like this. Weak. Scared. 

Sherlock sat on the bed, and ignored Jim's panicked expression. He hugged him silently, and waited for him to calm down.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Everything. Jim took a deep breath, and Sherlock's presence made him feel better. "A social worker came this morning to speak with my mother", he whispered. 

Sherlock hugged him tightly without saying anything. It helped so much. Because...no matter what happened, he wasn’t alone. Sherlock had seen him weak, and...he was still here. 

"It...wasn't that bad”, Jim said after a moment. “I mean...they already knew about the illness. It wasn't so bad last year. But...you know how it is, even in a good day. And she told them about you"

"About me? Why?", Sherlock asked, confused.

"They asked. And at the hospital...they asked me, too. You left...some marks on my neck", Jim explained, touching them

"I...I'm sorry", Sherlock replied, looking down

"No, it...It's fine. But they'll want to talk with you too", Jim explained. “Since....you’re part of my life now”

Sherlock nodded, worried. “You have to tell me what to say”.

Jim nodded. “Try not to lie too much. It’s easier that way. And...mention John as just a good friend. Things are weird enough to add....that to the mix”. Jim paused, and thought about what was to come. And...how easier had been to pretend to be somebody else here. Sherlock’s house felt too good. Too safe. He had to get used to be alert. 

"Can we...stay here tonight?", he asked softly

"Of course"

Jim kissed Sherlock. He shouldn't need it. It shouldn't feel so good. "Call John. Tell him what happened", he whispered. He didn't want to have to say it again. But now they would talk to Sherlock too, and John needed to remember to say that t Sherlock was Jim's boyfriend. 

Sherlock nodded, and texted John. “I don’t want to call in case....Greg is there”, he explained. “I’m telling him to call if he can”. 

Jim nodded, and didn’t say anything when Sherlock’s phone rang almost immediately. 

“....John? Something happened with Jim.....Then call me later. It's not urgent. He's fine now....”

Sherlock paused, and looked at Jim’s face. “.....We'll talk later. I'll take care of him. A social worker came to talk with his mother, and he is...altered"

Jim stayed silent as Sherlock explained quickly what had happened. Clearly Greg was still with John. 

Sherlock finished the call, and looked at Jim. "Can we practice the presentation again?" 

Jim nodded, and smiled at Sherlock. It would calm Sherlock down, and it would help Jim to stop thinking about what had happened. 

"We could...do it in front of your mother", Sherlock said, unsure. “The nurse told me she was awake now”

Jim knew his mother liked Sherlock. And it would help him, he had to get used to people looking at him. He got up, and took his hand. "Okay. It's a good idea"

Sherlock kissed his cheek softly. "Wash your face first"

Jim washed his face, making sure to erase every trace of tears. They would alter his mother if she saw them. 

He shouldn't need Sherlock this much. What would happen if he had to go away? He took a deep breath, and tried to keep those ideas out of his mind. 

They went downstairs together, and practiced the presentation in front of Jim's mother. They both knew it by heart now, but Sherlock was still too tense. 

Jim's mother didn't speak much, and seemed a bit confused, but looked at Jim and him fondly, and, after a couple of minutes, Sherlock seemed to relax, and started to talk more confidently. 

They prepared the dinner together, as Jim's mother watched them from a chair, looking relaxed. And, for the first time since he could remember, Jim felt at home in his own house.


	102. Chapter 102

After dinner, they went to Jim’s room. Sherlock looked around, but didn’t say anything. Jim was grateful for that. He knew how empty the room looked, specially compared to Sherlock’s house. 

"We can stay here more often, if you want to", Sherlock offered with a warm smile. 

It was still weird to see Sherlock’s smile. He used to be sad all the time. Jim smiled back without thinking. It felt like the natural thing to do. “My mother likes you. She's much better when you are here", he said, sitting on the bed. 

"Really?"

"Yes", Jim replied, looking at Sherlock's happy expression. It was true, but Sherlock seemed to need to hear it. 

They talked for a while, and rehearsed the presentation again. At this point, both of them knew it by heart. Finally they went to bed. And then, in his room with Sherlock between his arms, Jim felt vulnerable for needing Sherlock, for needing help. He had to be strong. 

“Have you told John what happened?”, he asked after a while. John needed to know how things were, because he had to know what to say for Jim’s evaluation. 

 

"Yes. But Greg was there, and he couldn't speak. He said he'd call later" 

"Later", Jim repeated. So...either Greg had stayed for the night, or John had been too busy call. "Okay. We should sleep, tomorrow will be a long day"

Sherlock smiled, and moved closer to Jim. "Okay"

It was nice to have Sherlock this close. To feel his body slowly relaxing, until he fell asleep. Jim knew he should sleep too, but he didn't want to. Too many emotions today. Too many things to worry about, too many plans that he had to consider. He took his phone, thinking about texting John.That always helped. But John would have called if he was alone. Better not. Sighing, he closed his eyes, and moved closer to Sherlock. 

The next thing he felt was fear. He’d failed his evaluation, and they’d decided he wasn’t sane enough to live on his own. So they locked him up again, and everything was like before. Only it was worse now, because he knew how good things could be. Part of him knew this was just another dream, like always, that didn’t stop him being scared. And then, for some reason, Sherlock was in the centre with him, and they were hurting Sherlock instead of him. And that was too much. He shouted them to stop, and then somebody was holding him. 

"It's okay, you're fine"

Jim blinked, confused for a second. Sherlock. Real. He tried to breathe slowly, and moved closer to Sherlock. "I hate waking you up", he whispered.

"I don't mind. Try to sleep again."

Sherlock was always so nice. He didn’t deserve that. And he didn’t want to sleep again. But Sherlock just hugged him, and, slowly, Jim relaxed and forgot about the nightmare. Finally, he fell asleep again. This time, if he had any dreams, he couldn’t remember them. 

Jim woke up in the morning with Sherlock’s body close to him. It made him feel warm and safe. And....loved. When had this became so natural. Only a few days ago the idea of sharing a bed had been terrifying, and now he needed it. Needing was dangerous, because somebody could take away what you needed.

He observed Sherlock’s peaceful face, and, solely, leaned to kiss him. “Morning”, he whispered.

“Jim”, Sherlock said with a warm smile, kissing him back. 

Definitely, Jim could get used to this. They kissed for a while, and that felt easy and natural too. 

When it was either getting up or being late, Jim, reluctantly, left to take a quick shower. When he came back, Sherlock was talking on the phone. 

".....Yes? I mean...I know you said there wasn't anything wrong with...us, but...it's not...exactly normal, and.......I don't want to lose you.......I love you".

John, then. But.....Sherlock shouldn’t look so sad. Had something happened? "Sherlock? Are you okay?", Jim asked, worried.

"Yes", he replied. "John? I'll see you later"

"Are you talking with John?"

Sherlock nodded.

"Ask him if he wants Molly and Seb to visit"

"John? Did you hear that?.....Okay, I'll tell them. They wanted to go yesterday, too....Alright. Remember that we'll visit later". Sherlock hung up, and looked at Jim. “John says that Greg will probably be there, but if they don’t mind he wants them to visit”.

Jim nodded, and kissed Sherlock again, just because he could.  
Jim's mother was still sleeping when they left. On their way to school, Sherlock told Jim about what had happened yesterday at school, about the deals he’d made in Jim’s name and about how he’d been with Sebastian almost all the time. 

Jim listened, amazed. Sherlock was as good at this as him. "Okay. We'll talk to people together since today", he said, smiling. It would be nice to have somebody besides him who could help. 

Sherlock nodded, smiling. That would be fun.

And it was. Sherlock was brilliant, and saw some things Jim didn’t. Tiny details he’d have dismissed, patterns he hadn’t been paying attention to. It was almost like playing chess. And it was clear that Sherlock loved it too. He looked more confident, and people looked at Sherlock with the same respect they did to Jim. 

"Is it always like this?", Sherlock asked when they were alone. 

Jim looked at Sherlock. His eyes were brilliant and he looked so happy. He grinned, and pressed his lips against Sherlock’s briefly. "You like it"

"Of course I like it! It's brilliant. Everything....fits. I´ve always seen those things in people, always noticed it, but I've never realised that you could...use that. That you could help people using that knowledge".

"Help?", Jim asked, confused. He’d just been trying to distract Sherlock. And maybe show off a bit. 

"Yes, help"

"Sherlock, I don't help people. I use them, I control them."

Sherlock stared at him silently.

Jim thought about it. About how things at school were before and after he had arrived. It was safer for some people, that was true, but....

"Think about it as if....it weren't you doing it. As if it were....me", Sherlock suggested. 

Jim had to admit that most of the things he had done had helped people. But that wasn't why he had done it.

"And...it keeps my mind....busy", Sherlock muttered, uncomfortable.

"Yes, I know". Of course he knew. It was the same for him. It made things bearable. 

They looked at each other once more, and went to have lunch with Molly and Seb. Jim still wasn’t sure if Sherlock was right or not, but...he’d never considered it. He’s stopped people from hurting each other. In a way, that was helping. It was interesting to hear Sherlock's opinions of people. He saw things a bit differently, and made Jim think about new solutions. He also made Jim think about it twice when the solution involved hurting somebody. He decided not to think too much about that for now. 

 

At lunch, they rehearsed the presentation once more in front of Molly and Sebastian, because Jim knew that it would make Sherlock feel more confident when they had to do it in front of the whole class. And then he got a text from John. 

 

"A woman came to interview me about you. It went fine. - John"

So soon. He tried to hid how nervous he was, but...then he looked around, and saw three worried faces looking at him. Maybe...he didn’t have to hide all the time. So he told them, making sure nobody could overhear. It was easier to speak with Molly and Seb now that they knew. There was a sense of...trust that hadn't been there before. And Sherlock....of course he trusted Sherlock. 

Neither of them told him that things would be okay. Instead, they offered to help, which made Jim feel much better despite knowing that there was nothing they could do.

Finally, he texted John to thank him, and told him that they’d see him later. And a part of him began to think that maybe, just maybe, things would be okay after all. 

After school, they went to Sherlock last visit to the doctor. His ribs were healed, and he was finally recovered. Sherlock tried to call his mother to tell her, but after talking to three different assistants, who told him that she was busy, he gave up. ”Let’s go and visit John”, he said, clearly worried.

Jim hesitated. Greg would be there. “I...don’t know, Sherlock. Maybe you should go alone”. 

"Come on, Jim. What are you going to do? Wait in the car?"

Jim looked at Sherlock. His face was worried. "I don't want to go to the hospital, Sherlock. Not today. Go. Make sure he is okay. I'll be here". He needed to think, and to clear his mind. If they’d talked to John today, they’ll talk to him soom. 

Sherlock looked at him silently for a moment, and then kissed him. "You are an idiot", he muttered, before leaving the car.


	103. Chapter 103

Jim could leave. But he didn’t want to. Sherlock would come out soon and they could go home. Maybe he was an idiot too, but he didn’t want to face Greg right now. After a while, he got out of the car and sat on a bench in front of the hospital. He liked watching people, and trying to deduce as much as he could about them. And right now he needed a distraction. Because John had talked with the social worker, and they’d talked to his mother too. Soon they’d speak with Sherlock, and after that he’d have the psychological evaluation. And...maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay and he won’t have to talk about his father ever again.

 

He was lost in thoughts when he heard somebody walking closer. Sherlock. No, wait. Sherlock didn’t walk that way.

 

"Sherlock's staying with John." Greg said quietly, hands in his pockets.

 

Jim looked up,startled. Greg. Of course. What else could go wrong today? "Is he?", he asked, in an indifferent tone.

 

Greg nodded. "Yeah...thought I'd let you know. See you." He turned and walked away without another word.

 

Jim waited until Greg couldn't see him. That had been....weird. Greg hadn’t said anything offensive, and he had looked almost...civil. Jim sighed, and texted Sherlock

 

Greg said you're staying-Jim

 

John says Greg won't be back. Come in -SH

 

Jim read the text. It wasn't only Greg, it was the hospital. He hated it. It reminded him of the time he’d been there, hurt and scared. And of all the tests they’d done to him.

But Sherlock had asked, so he went inside.

 

Bad idea. Definitely bad idea. Once he was inside, the smelt brought back too many memories that Jim didn’t want to remember. He had been okay the day before, but...then Sherlock had been with him, and Jim had been calmer. Now....everything felt too big, too menacing. And there wasn’t enough air. No. No, he wasn’t going to panic in front of everybody. He was Jim Moriarty. He had self control. He could do this. And he did. Until he reached the door of the room where he’d done the physical exams the day before. For some reason, that broke his self control, and he began to run.

 

He managed to get to the bathroom of John’s floor, and locked the door. It wasn’t just the hospital. What if something went wrong? What if they sent him back? The mere idea was terrifying. And yet, he couldn’t leave. Sherlock was here. John was here.

 

Jim knew they were waiting, but he didn’t want them to know how weak he was. How much this scared him. So he tried to calm down before going to John’s room. Only, Sherlock called him first.

 

"Jim? Is something wrong?"

 

Jim breathed deeply, and tried to sound normal.

"No, I...I'll be there in a minute", Jim replied, before hanging up. And then he realised that he’d just lied to Sherlock.

 

He needed ten more minutes to feel in control and leave the bathroom, after washing his face carefully. They would notice, of course. But maybe they wouldn’t say anything.

He closed his eyes for a moment, then he knocked and opened the door.

"Hi", he said, in the most controlled tone he could manage.

 

"Hey." John smiled weakly, looking at Jim with a worried expression.

 

"Come here", Sherlock said, pointing to the chair at his side.

 

Jim nodded, and sat down. "How are you?", he asked John.

John shrugged. "I'm fine. You?"

 

He hesitated. Lying when they were looking at him felt wrong. "Tired. I'll be fine when this is over". Not a lie. Not all the truth, but close enough. And then Sherlock took his hand, and Jim relaxed slightly.

They were silent for a moment, and Jim studied their expression. "That obvious?", he asked, noticing the way they were looking at him

Sherlock squeezed his hand, and nodded.

"What's wrong?" John asked gently, offering Jim his hand too.

 

Jim took John's hand. It was stupid. It made him weak, needing people this way. "I...don't know. I was on my way here, and...I passed through the room when I had the tests yesterday, and...I couldn't... I..." He closed his eyes for a moment. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just worried, I guess". He took a deep breath, and looked at John nervously.

"You said...it went good, when they talked to you?”.

"It went really well, I think."

 

"They want to talk to Sherlock, too"

"It will be fine.", John assured.

 

"What am I supposed to tell them?", Sherlock asked soflty

Jim sighted. "Stay as close to the truth as you can. They already know about my mother, there's no point in hiding that. Tell them that John is our friend. And...they'll ask you intimate questions, about us. They did to me, yesterday. They said they wanted to be sure it was consensual"

"W...what? Why?"

"Because, apparently, I'm...in a risk group for abusive relationships, or something like that", Jim said bitterly.

"I would never..."

"I know, Sherlock", Jim said tiredly.

 

"It probably doesn't help that I'm of the same risk." John muttered worried.

"Has anybody asked you about it?", asked Jim looking at him

 

John shook his head. "No. Well the woman who interviewed me earlier just mentioned that she knew what happened. Backround checks and such."

 

Jim nodded. "Well, they'll probably will, when they make your psychological report"

 

"I know. I think that's on Monday. My doctor mentioned something but I wasn't really listening."

 

"What...will they ask me?", Sherlock again, worried.

"I'm not sure. They asked me what have we done, and if I had wanted to do it", Jim explained

"But that's...private. I mean...", Sherlock said, blushing.

"I know...", Jim sighed.

"They asked me if your relationship was healthy and if you were both happy." John added.

 

"We are", they said at the same time, before looking at each other and smiling.

"That's what I said.", John added.

 

Jim kept looking at Sherlock. "Really?"

"Of course"

He was making Sherlock happy. It was...so strange. And...he was happy too. "Then just tell them the truth about us". And maybe they would believe them. He didn’t want to think too much about that.

 

Jim glanced at John. It was strange that he felt this comfortable with Sherlock while John was here. "So...what happened today? Did Molly and Seb come?"

"They did. And Greg left after a while because he.. He knew they were uncomfortable with him there." John frowned slightly.

 

"And he was...nice to me", Sherlock added.

Weird. Jim looked at John. "Why is he acting this way?"

 

He bit his lip. "He.. He wants to be good enough for me."

 

"This is...what you planned, isn't it?", Sherlock asked, unsure.

"Well yes, but I didn't expect it to be so.. sudden.", John explained

Jim nodded. "I don't believe him. Be careful"

John nodded. "Oh, I know." He assured. "I know."

 

"Greg told me that you're staying", Jim said looking at Sherlock.

Sherlock nodded, and glanced at John, who smiled at Jim. "You can both stay if you want.. I can ask a nurse for extra pillows and blankets."

 

Jim nodded, surprised at how relieved he felt. He had been sleeping with Sherlock only a few days, but he didn't want to sleep away from him.

Sherlock smiled at John. "Do that, yes"

John nodded. "A nurse will be in, in a bit. They give me something to knock me out now."

 

"What if you tried to sleep without it? We both will be here", said Jim, squeezing his hand.

"I don't like sleeping with it.. They never asked me if I wanted help sleeping. They just want me to sleep." He muttered. "Maybe they won't do it tonight, though."

 

"Ask them not to. Say you want to try to sleep without help"

"I will. I hate it."

 

"They made me take them for about a year", Jim muttered. "Nightmares are better, after a while"

Sherlock looked at him, surprised. "I took sleeping pills for about a week, and I was really tired. How did you manage a year?"

"Nobody asked my opinion", Jim said in an inexpressive tone.

Sherlock looked him in the eyes, and kissed his cheek without saying anything.

 

Jim relaxed again, and looked at John. Who looked more worried than before. He sighed.

 

"John? Maybe I shouldn't have told you. It won't be like that for you. I..." He glanced at Sherlock, and looked at John again. "...I was a child, and you aren't. And...I 'd never been outside the house, or talked with people of my age. I didn't...speak for weeks, after." He looked again at Sherlock, fearing that he would find pity on his face, but there was only worry. "And I am...better now. You'll be fine"

John nodded. "I know, I know. But I still worry about it 'cause I know I'm not okay and as much as I act like I am, I'm not."

 

"Of course you're not. Who would be fine after what happened to you? Give it some time".You are alive, and safe", Jim muttered, remember how much blood there had been. "It will get better"

"Can't we just...enjoy tonight? No bad memories, and no talking about bad things? Just for tonight?", Sherlock said softly.

John nodded. "Yeah. Definitely." He sighed.

 

Jim nodded. "That's a good idea, yes". If only they knew how to do that.

 

"So.. We finish school soon.", John said slowly.

 

"Yes", Jim replied, wondering if talking about the future was technically talking about bad things.

"Jim. Stop"

Jim smiled. Of course Sherlock had noticed. "I'm trying"


	104. Chapter 104

Somehow, they managed not to talk about anything sad. They made crazy plans for the summer. Travelling. Sherlock wanted to go to London, apparently his family had a house there. John wanted to go to the beach. That made Jim a bit nervous. He’d never done that, and the idea of strangers seeing his skin was enough to made him a bit anxious. But they were just plans, and, somehow, made the three of them relax. When the nurse came in to check on John, he asked for some more blankets. There was no problem at all, and it reminded Jim a bit of the way the people had pitied him when he’d first been taken to a hospital. But if they allowed them to stay, he wasn’t going to complain. 

They talked for a while, until Sherlock started yawning. "You should sleep", Jim said, remembering how he had woken him up last night.

"You too", Sherlock replied, smiling, Then he looked at John and at the bed, and hesitated. John had moved to one side of the small bed. “Are you sure? I could stay on the chair"

"Yes, I'm sure“, John replied after a brief pause.

"Under the sheets or over them?", Sherlock asked.

John bit his lip and thought about it for a moment. "Under."

Sherlock nodded, and took off his shoes before getting inside the bed. John looped his arm around him carefully, holding him clothes as he draped the sheets over them.

 

Jim put two chairs together, sat on one and put his feet on the other. He wasn't planning to sleep at all, but they didn't need to know that.And then he looked at the bed, unsure. It felt...weird. As if he was invading something private.

"Thank you", Sherlock whispered happy.

John kissed Sherlock's forehead. "Rest." 

"Yes, I know", Sherlock muttered, closing his eyes.

After a moment, Jim took a pillow and a blanket. He was cold, and the nurse had brought several. He wrapped it around himself, and closed his eyes. He missed Sherlock’s warm body close to him. He shut his eyes, and tried not to listen. 

"I missed you", Sherlock whispered.

"I missed you too."

Silence. Jim didn’t know what to do or say. They wouldn’t have asked him to stay if they didn’t want him here. And he shouldn’t feel so unsure about all this. It was just the assessment. He was nervous about that. Yes, that was it. 

"I'm not sleeping until you do", muttered Sherlock

"I know. But you should try anyway."

"I'll try when you're sleeping/"

"Sherlock." John sighed, closing his eyes again.

"What? I want to stay with you again, and they won't allow that if you don't sleep", Sherlock protested.

John sighed. "Fine, fine."

John sounded nervous. Almost scared. Jim knew how it felt, being scared of your own derams. "I'll wake you if you need it", he said softly

John nodded, looking at him. "Thanks."

Jim waited, listening to their breathing, until he was sure that they both were asleep. It took them a very long time. He didn't even try; after last night, and with everything that was going on...without Sherlock at his side, and in the hospital. He knew what would happen, and didn’t want to wake them up. Or to cause a scene where it could be seen, where they could report it to his doctors.

Jim observed them silently. When a nurse came to check on John, Jim pretended to he sleeping. Once she left, he kept observing them. Sherlock slept as pacefully as always. After a while, John’s breathing began to change. Jim observed him carefully, in case he needed to be woken up. He was clearly having unpleasant dreams, but he didn't look scared, so Jim decided to let him sleep, remembering how tired he’d looked. 

He saw John waking up a couple of hours later. He looked....guilty. Jim remembered how the dreams felt so real that made him sick, and decided to say something. He wasn’t very sure of how to help, but he could try. "You okay? It didn't seem too bad, so I didn't woke you up", Jim whispered. He didn’t want to wake Sherlock up. He needed to rest. 

"Yeah.. Fine.." John mumbled, not looking at him.

"Oh, yes. You definitely sound _fine._ " Well, he couldn't judge John when he didn't dare to sleep. But the lie was so obvious that it bothered him. 

"Clearly." John snapped, though sighed after. "Sorry."

"Don't wake him up", Jim replied, ignoring the way John had answered. He understood.

"I know." John mumbled, closing his eyes again.

Jim sighed, and stood up. He needed coffee, or else he'd fall asleep.

"Going to get coffee?" John asked. There was something weird in his voice. As if he were about to cry.

"Y...yes", Jim muttered, ashamed. "I know I shouldn't, but..."

"It's fine, I get it. Sleep tomorrow though."

Jim nodded. "I know. But I woke him up yesterday, and..."

"That was then. He's used to that with both of us now. He sleeps more than both of us together."

"He does", Jim said with a smile. "I'll be back in a moment", he said, opening the door carefully

Jim took his time. He talked with the nurse for a while. She nurse asked him about John, and Jim said he was sleeping. He went back to the room about 20 minutes later with a cup of coffee from the machine downstairs.

John had his eyes closed again when Jim came back but he wasn't asleep. Jim observed John's body for a minute. "You have to try. They'll sedate you if you don't sleep", he muttered.

"I can't. Not after that dream." He whispered.

"You have to", he replied in a whisper. He glanced at his untouched coffee, and sighed.. "I'll try, if you try too".

"I can't. I'm sorry." 

Jim sat on the chair again. Then he put his feet on the other chair and covered himself with the blanket. He was still cold, so he took another blanket. Still not the same. When had he got used to having Sherlock in bed with him?. "I know", he said, slowly drinking his coffee.

John sighed. "How bad is it looking?"

"It didn't look too bad while you were sleeping. Otherwise i'd have woken you up. A nurse came to check on you, and saw you asleep. And I've just told her that you were still sleeping"

"Well, it was awful. Worse than my usual nightmares."

"Worse? Why?", Jim asked in a whisper. 

"It was me doing damage.. Instead of other people.."

"Yes, that is worse", he muttered. "I...used to dream about...hurting Sherlock"

John froze. "W-what?!" he whispered.

"I know..", he whispered. "I..still dream about it, sometimes. Doing to him...the things...my father did to m...me"

His eyes widened. "Oh Jim.."

"Don't...pity me", Jim muttered. "I...I know it's not true. I know it's just a dream". And yet, waking up with Sherlock after that always made him feel awful.

"I used to have dreams like that too," John admitted. "It doesn't make it easier to know it's a dream."

"No, it doesn't.", Jim replied. "What if...I hurt him? It's my mind...imagining those things, after all."

"You won't. You love him too much to ever hurt him like that."

"And why can't I stop dreaming about it?" What had happened? They were suposed to talk about John’s dream. He didn’t want to talk about this. 

"Because you're so terrified it will happen." John explained. 

That sounded plausible. He had been scared of hurting Sherlock. He still was. And then he remembered something in John's tone. "You too?"

"Mm. I don't get scared that I'll hurt Sherlock, though."

The word Sherlock sounded a bit stronger than the others. So he was scared of hurting somebody who wasn't Sherlock. "Who?"

"You won't like the answer." John whispered.

"Greg", Jim stated. Obvious. If John said he wouldn't like the answer, who else would it be?

 

"Yeah," John sighed, closing his eyes again.

He didn't know what to say. He remembered the things he knew about what had happened between John and Greg. John still had feelings for him, that had been clear when Jim had kissed him. And he had said that he made him feel safe. "We can find another way. You don't have to do this"

"I-I do. I need to. You know there is no other way."

"Is this a...plausible way? Can you do it?"

John swallowed thickly. "I think so.. I mean.. Yes."

"This was your idea. You offered to do it, knowing what would happen. And you were right, I think it will work. But if this...hurts you...we'll find another way"

"It will hurt him more. Way more."

"And then what?", Jim insisted. He still didn’t like the plan, but it was John’s choice. It had to be.

"And then.. He won't hurt any of you again and.." John stopped, and looked at Jim, confused. 

"Yes, exactly. So you...go back with him. And given his expression when he told me that Sherlock was staying, that will be easy. Fine. You make him...trust you, make him vulnerable, and then...laugh at him, break up with him. So then he'd be...hurt. Broken. That doesn't sound...safe to me. "  
"Nobody's hurt him like that before. It's always been him hurting people. Even when his parents got divorced, it was mostly because his mother couldn't stand how fake he acted at home anymore - too much like Charlie. He's never really known what it's like to be hurt. It'll.. destroy him."  
Jim sighted again. It could work. But..."What would that make you?"

"I-I guess it would make me…I don't know."

"I've...hurt a lot of people. Including you. Breaking people is...easy. You just have to find out what is important for them, and destroy it. It makes you feel...powerful. Safe, in a way. And....disgusting. It made me feel that I was...becoming Fa…him". He had never told that to anybody. He had never admitted it to himself. 

"You will never be like him." John said firmly.  
"You don't understand. I look at Sherlock and...Yes. I love him. I would do anything for him. But I also see how to break him. It would be so easy. Make him doubt you, or me. Make him choose. Make him feel wrong for loving us. Just a couple of words." He took a deep breath, trying to forget how he had already done that, before...that kiss. How he had made Sherlock feel guilty for wanting him, how had he made him doubt John. "I...can't stop seeing those things"

"There is a difference between seeing it and acting on it."

Maybe. But he had already done it. Jim just looked at John, and didn't say anything. 

"Believe in yourself Jim, cause at the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself."

"I've never had...anything to lose before", he muttered

"Now you do and so you adapt around it."

"Yes, I know". Of course he knew. But knowing was different than feeling. "Take care of him, if things go...bad for me", he whispered, closing his eyes. 

"You don't need to ask." John reminded. 

John sounded scared, too. He tried to think on something.to distract him. "Remember that...technique I showed you to...project calm? Visualization?"

"I... Yeah,I do. Why?"

"Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I relax my body and do that. It's not the same as sleeping, but it helps"

"I'll try it at some point."

"You have to be rested tomorrow. They'll check", Jim insisted. 

John sighed. "I know, I know." He mumbled.

"I'm not sure if you know. What do you think would happen if you...didn't sleep nor eat? To the point where your life was in danger? Because you're close"

"What.. What would happen?" John asked a bit nervously.

"That somebody would certify that you can't take decisions about yourself. That you are a danger to yourself. That's what they are trying to do to me. They'd give you a...guardian, or send you to a centre. They'd make you sleep with drugs. They'd put a tube through your mouth to your stomach and put food inside you. And... _nobody would ask your opinion about it._ You have to prove that you're recovering, and that you can manage on your own"

"Guess I can't let that happen then." He mumbled. 

"No, you can't. Nobody would find strange that you need some days to recover, both physically and emotionally. But...you're still under age, and your parents aren't an option" He stopped, thinking. "You said Seb offered you a job. That would help. You'd probably be asked about your plans for the future. You have a house, and a job. Your grades aren't bad. It should be enough"

"It's just the rest I need to work on." John sighed but then frowned. "I have a house?"

"Your parents`?" Jim asked.

"Oh, yeah, right."

"And...you can stay with Sherlock. Or...with me. Tell them that. About your friends, your life. About the future". That had always worked for him. 

"I will. I have to. I can't.. " John shook his head.

"I know", he said again, because he knew. "I'm here. He is, too", he added

"I do. And you have us."

That was the point: he had them, and could lose them. No, he wasn't going to think about that. "Let's try to rest for a while. Not sleep, just rest"

John sighed in defeat"Yeah, sure. Night, Jim."

Jim didn't say anything, and he finished his coffee. Then he closed his eyes and tried not to think about what was going on. It was difficult. Maybe because it was almost over. They'll talk with Sherlock, with some teachers and with him. And then he had to wait. No, no. He wasn't going to think about it. There was a passport, with a fake name. He had money in several accounts. No. Enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I'll be able to post a chapter next week. I've lost some of the files I had already written, and writing it again is going to take some time. I'll try to have something finished by next Sunday, but I don't know if I'm going to have time. Thank you for reading, and I apologise for the delay if I can't make it.


	105. Chapter 105

Jim didn’t sleep that night. Again, he wondered what would happen when John left the hospital. No matter where they sent him, in a few months he could leave. And go back with Sherlock. Jim sighed, and spent the rest of the night trying to plan for all the possible outcomes. It was driving him crazy. And there was Greg. Jim didn’t like the way John was dealing with it. But it had to be John’s choice.

The following days were….calm. Too calm, especially given how nervous Jim was growing. He and Sherlock found a balance. They stayed one night at Sherlock’s house, and one night at Jim’s. Jim moved back a few things to his house, and it didn’t look so empty with Sherlock’s things there too. His mother liked Sherlock, and she looked happier when he was there. Greg went back to school, but….he didn’t bother Jim. At all. Every day they visited John. Some times Greg was there too, and Jim either waited out of the room or sat down with a bored expression on his face. Other times, Greg wasn’t there, and Jim could relax. 

John’s plan might be working, but Jim hated it. It made John miserable. And every time Sherlock wasn’t distracted, he had that empty and worried expression that Jim hated. Some times, no matter what he did, Sherlock looked sad. 

Nights were…weird. On the one hand, sharing a bed with Sherlock had became something he needed. On the other hand….it would be over when John came back. When Sherlock was there, the nightmares weren’t so bad. And Sherlock held him afterwards, without asking anything. It made him feel better, but he also hated Sherlock seeing him that weak. Emotions were so confusing.

A few days later, the social worker called Sherlock. And the calm ended.

“What if I say something wrong, and…”, Sherlock asked nervously the morning he had to go to the interview. 

Jim sighed, and hugged him tightly. “You won’t. I know you won’t. Just….stay as close to the truth as you can. Remember that John is…officially just a friend. Tell them…I don’t know. Tell them what we do every day, the things we do together. We….the normal ones”

Sherlock smiled a bit at that. “Not the deals at school, then”, he teased.

Jim smiled too, despite how nervous he was. “No, not that. Maybe…about Seb and Molly. About….playing chess, watching movies together, studying,..that sort of things”

“Cooking”, Sherlock said, smiling. “I could tell them you’re teaching me. That’s normal, isn’t it?”

Jim nodded, and kissed him tenderly. Touching Sherlock had became natural at this point. Being touched, on the other hand…that was more difficult. But Sherlock respected his limits, and it was becoming a bit easier. 

School that day was like a dream. Nothing felt real. He spent most time thinking about Sherlock and what he’d be telling them. Seb and Molly stayed the whole day with him, and that helped a bit, but Jim didn’t calm down until he saw Sherlock waiting for him after school with a smile on his lips.

“So….it went…good?”, he asked, needing to hear it. 

Sherlock nodded, and took his hand as they walked away from school. “I…think so? I mean….they asked a lot of questions. About what we do every day, about our friends, about everything. Even…invasive things. Like…..about sex”.

Jim tensed slightly, and looked at Sherlock. “What did you tell them?”, he asked nervously. Their stories had to match.

“That we hadn’t….”, Sherlock muttered, blushing slightly. “I mean….I told them that was private, and they said it was important, something about physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. I didn’t understand it, and if you ask my opinion, it sounded pretty stupid, but….”

“Sherlock….what did you tell them?”, Jim asked again.

“That we…hadn’t had sex”

“That’s….not true”, Jim said after a moment.

Sherlock sighed. “I…know your opinion about that, Jim. But…for most people…if there’s no….penetration….then there’s no sex”, Sherlock muttered. 

“That’s stupid”, Jim said bluntly. And then he thought that maybe Sherlock wanted that. And…it was something Jim couldn’t give him. It would trigger too many bad memories.

Sherlock looked at him in silence for a moment. “I love what we do. I don’t want anything else”, he said softly.

Jim nodded, wondering when he’d become so easy to read. Or maybe it was just Sherlock. He studied Sherlock’s face for a moment, looking for signs of lies. None. But he had to make sure. “What if I wanted?”, he asked, keeping his face blank.

Sherlock looked away nervously. “I…not yet? I mean….it’s not something I….”

“Relax. I don’t”, he said, squeezing his hand. “It’s okay, Sherlock. Now…tell me exactly what you told them in the interview”. He knew Sherlock would remember. And it would distract him. 

By the time they arrived to the hospital, Jim was feeling much better about the whole thing. The things Sherlock had told them made Jim look like a normal person, and their relationship sounded…almost perfect. For a second, Jim wondered if that was true. But then he remembered everything that had happened. Not normal. Not perfect. But….exactly what he needed. 

Greg was in John’s room, and Jim didn’t want to be alone today. So he went inside with Sherlock, and sat down. It was….weird. Because Sherlock knew better than to talk about the interview in front of Greg, and it was clearly in his mind. They ended up talking about that book Sherlock had brought John, and Jim stayed silent. At some point he moved closer to the bed, and he found a weird expression on Greg’s face. Was he jealous? Jim decided to ignore it by now, and didn’t say anything until Greg left. Then they told John about the interview. John agreed with them, it sounded as if it’d gone okay, and Jim let himself have a bit of hope. 

They ended up talking about the project, mainly because they had to present it the following day, and Sherlock was still nervous. They both knew the presentation by heart, and they rehearsed it once more in front of John. 

And then Jim decided to ask. In front of Sherlock, too, because he deserved to know. 

“How are things with Greg?”

John shrugged. “The same. It’s working”

Jim saw the way Sherlock tensed, and sighed. “John? Has he….done anything you don’t want?”

“…no”

“Long version?”, Jim insisted.

“Well…he never stays at night. He…touches my hand, some times. We talk. He…It’s like….before, some times. When we were friends”.

Jim looked from one to the other, and decided not to press anymore. “Be careful”; he said after a moment. 

They talked for a while, trying to help John with Greg, but, like always, there didn’t seem to be a better plan. 

Finally, they left the hospital, and headed home.


	106. Chapter 106

It was a bad night. Sherlock was nervous about the presentation. Jim was nervous about the whole situation with Greg and the evaluation. In the end, none of them slept. They didn’t talk, mainly because they already know the presentation by heart, and because Jim didn’t want to talk about the centre, or about why he was so scared to go back there. Maybe Sherlock knew already, he was observant, but Jim didn’t want him to know. He didn’t want Sherlock to pity him, or to look at him differently. 

So they didn’t talk, nor sleep, but they held each other, and rested. It was amazing how a big difference it made. Jim had had lots of sleepless nights, but this time it didn’t made him feel bad. In the morning he was tired, but not the same way he’d been before Sherlock. He had rested, even if he hadn’t slept.

Sherlock grew more and more nervous as the day passed. Jim tried to distract him, but nothing seemed to work. Not even taking him to an empty classroom and kissing him. By the time they had to make their presentation, Sherlock was pale and his hands were trembling slightly. 

Jim got everything ready, trying to project calm and confidence. He wasn’t nervous about this, but he was worried about Sherlock. He introduced themselves, not because it was necessary, but because it was a starting point, and Sherlock said it would help. Then he waited for Sherlock to say his first sentence. And waited. Sherlock looked as if he was going to be sick, and Jim hated Greg a bit more for all the times he’d made Sherlock worry about this with apparently innocent comments.

He waited a bit more, until people began to whisper. And then he said the first sentence. It was supposed to be Sherlock’s, but he had to try something.

Sherlock looked at him, surprised, and Jim changed to the next slide, and smiled at Sherlock. This one was Jim’s, but it would look weird if he did it too. Sherlock stayed silent for a bit longer, and then said Jim’s sentence, hesitant.

It was easy, after that. They had rehearsed it a million times, after all. The fact that they were saying each other’s lines didn’t matter, because both of them knew the whole thing. And, as always, working with Sherlock was brilliant. 

By the time they finished, Sherlock was smiling, relaxed and confident. When they sat down again, the teacher congratulated them.

Jim grinned at Sherlock, and mouthed “Told you” when the teacher wasn’t looking. And a tiny part of him dared to hope that all their problems ended up as good as this one. 

After the classes ended, they went to the hospital to visit John again. Maybe they could find a better way to deal with Greg. And Jim wanted to tell John about the presentation.

Jim walked into the hospital holding hands with Sherlock, and with a smile on his lips for the first time in a week. After Sherlock's interview and everything that had been going on with Greg, having finished with the project made him feel good about something for the first time in days. Even if it hadn't worked like they'd planned to.

"Wait until we tell John", Sherlock said, grinning, as they knocked at the door of his room.

“Come in”

They looked at each other, worried. John sounded so tired. Jim opened the door, and studied John's face. So pale. He was sat up in bed, picking at the material of the blanket that was over him, looking down, gaze unfocused. At least Greg wasn’t there yet. 

Sherlock dropped Jim's hand and sat on the chair besides the bed. "Hey. You okay?"

John nodded. "Yeah, just tired. Been a long day." He replied, quieter than usual. "How was your day?"

They looked at each other, and grinned. "Brilliant", Sherlock said, excited. "We had the presentation, today. It was a bit....different than we'd planned, but....the teacher loved it. Everybody did".

"That's brilliant. I knew you'd both do well."

"Well....we almost didn't. I....forgot about my lines", Sherlock said shyly. " I was supposed to be the one starting, and I couldn't remember anything. "

"So I said his line", Jim explained with a tiny smile. "He ended up saying my lines and I his, but we'd rehearsed it so many times that it worked".

John smiled. "I'm proud of you both."

Jim looked at John, surprised. Nobody had told him that before. "It was....fun", he said after a moment. 

John nodded. "That's really good." 

Jim smiled again, despite everything that was going on. John didn't look so pale now. "It went great. The teacher congratulated us". And it had made them forget about all their worries. 

Sherlock nodded in agreement, and looked at John's hand. " Can I...?"

John hesitated for a second before nodding, offering Sherlock his hand. Sherlock smiled brightly, and took it. "Things are going to be okay. You'll be out of here soon".

Jim stopped smiling. It wasn't going to be okay. It never was. He closed his eyes for a moment. "So....are you....okay?", he asked softly. " Or will you be? I mean....no more surgery, or....sequels?"

John shrugged. "They took the stitches out earlier." He said quietly. "Said I should be fine and there shouldn't be any problems in the future."

"That's great", Sherlock replied, squeezing his hand. 

Jim paused. " So....what's going to happen? Are you....allowed to go back with Sherlock? "

John looked at Jim, glancing at Sherlock briefly. He shook his head. "No." He said softly. "They're going to find me a foster home. Charlie has applied."

"No! No, you have to come back!"

Jim sighed. "Sherlock, we've discussed this. Don't make this harder".

" But he can't! Greg is there, and...."

"Sherlock", Jim said firmly. 

Sherlock muttered something inaudible, and stood up. " I'm....I'm going to....call my brother. See if he has news from our mother", he whispered nervously.

John clasped his hands together tightly, looking down at his lap. "It's not like I have a choice", he whispered.

Jim sighed. "Sherlock....calm down. We....well find a way".

Sherlock looked from one of the other, and closed his eyes. " Really?", he asked, sitting down again.

Jim nodded. "Really. What if....he doesn't live with you anymore? You'll still love him, right?"

"...yes"

"See? We'll find a way."

Sherlock nodded, and, took John's hand again. "Will you be safe?” he asked softly. 

"Of course." John sighed.

"How are things with Greg? Is he...still nice to you?” Jim asked after a moment. It worried him. Because John still cared about Greg, and that made him vulnerable. 

John nodded. "He's been really nice." He said softly. "He brings me tea when he comes."

"He's been nice to me too", Sherlock said after a moment.

Jim nodded. He'd been avoiding Greg this week. He had enough problems. "Has he....told you anything about me?"

John shook his head. "He doesn't really mention you." 

"Good", Jim said, feeling relieved. And then he frowned. Why was he feeling that way? Emotions made absolutely no sense. 

"Well...he told me some things, but nothing....bad", Sherlock said after a moment.

Jim looked at Sherlock, and decided that he didn't want to know. Not right now. He had enough things to worry about. "Okay", he said, tired. "He hadn't bothered me at school either. I....I don't know, John. Maybe your plan is working". 

"I hope so." John said softly. 

Jim still wasn't convinced, but he decided not to say anything. After he was free. Then he'd make sure John was safe. "Is he coming today?” he asked.

John nodded, checking his phone. "Yeah, in about ten minutes."

Jim hesitated. He didn't want to see Greg, but he didn't want to leave John alone with him either. "I'm going to have a coffee. Call me when he leaves, and I'll come back". 

Sherlock looked at Jim, and frowned. “You sure? You said…you had to face him, eventually”

“Sherlock…I don’t…if he says something to you, I…I’ll snap. And right now I need…”

“You need to be strong. Yes, you’ve told me a million times”, Sherlock sighed. “So…if those interviews will be so…difficult…shouldn’t you practice? Practicing the presentation helped so much. Maybe that’s what you need”.

Jim looked at Sherlock, surprised. It sounded…reasonable. “John?”

“He has a point”

Jim sighed. “Okay. But…not with you here. I don’t…like how he talks to you. It makes it more difficult”.

Sherlock nodded. He squeezed his hand and then stood up and kissed Jim’s cheek. “I’m going to have a coffee and call my brother.”

Jim hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. “I’ll meet you there. Thank you, Sherlock”.

Sherlock smiled, and left the room.


	107. Chapter 107

Jim looked at the door as Sherlock closed it, and sighed. Then he turned to look at John again. "I don't like your plan", he said bluntly.

John sighed. "I know you don't, but it has to be done Jim."

"Really? How long is it going to be like this? How long are you going to pretend? Or maybe you aren't pretending anymore. Maybe you'd rather be with Greg. Sherlock....can't do this much longer. There has to be....some other way".

"Jim.. Please stop. You said you would help me. You can't just back out now. I need to do this."

Jim sighed. "I'll help you. I promised, and I never break a promise. I just....you don't see him at night. You don't see how this is affecting him. This...can't go on much longer. There has to be....some other way".

"Look...He's coming soon. How about.. How about finishing it today?" John said, hesitant. 

Jim paused, and considered it. John looked nervous, almost on edge. He couldn’t go on like this much longer. And all this was hurting Sherlock so much. "Today. But....without involving Sherlock. I....I'll help you. ", he said finally. 

John nodded. "Okay.. Tell Sherlock to wait for you in the canteen. We need to…try and make Greg angry."

Jim nodded, and wrote a text to Sherlock. But he didn’t send it. Sherlock was already waiting for him, and wouldn’t come back. Jim could tell him what had happened later. That wasn’t lying, was it? "Angry. Well, I'm good at making him angry. And then what?"

"Then... you leave, and I handle it from there." John decided. Jim didn’t like that at all. He was about to protest, when John interrupted him. "There's constant security outside. I'll be fine."

He looked at John silently for a moment. "Are you sure?", he asked finally. "You don't have to do this. We could find another way". 

John shook his head. "It has to be done. I need to do this."

"...okay", Jim sighed. "Just...promise me you won't let him hurt you. If...you feel in danger....scream".

John nodded. "I will. I promise." 

"So...make him angry. Make him...jealous?” Jim said, unsure. He still couldn't see how that would help. 

John nodded. "Exactly." 

"He gets jealous when I'm...close to you. The other day I touched your hand and he flinched", Jim muttered. "Okay. It's your choice. Just....try to stay safe". 

"Then...we'll do that again. I'll be fine." He promised.

Jim sighed. "Okay. So...make him angry and jealous. And then leave you alone. I can go and wait with Sherlock. Then what?"

"Then.. I'll handle it."

Jim was about to protest again. And then he remembered how he'd felt when everybody around him had made decisions about himself without even asking. It had made him feel useless, almost as if he didn’t exist. He nodded slowly. "Your way", he repeated. Then he moved the chair closer to the bed. That would bother Greg. "So....you had a physical exam today", he commented, remembering John's tired expression from before.

John nodded with a small sigh. "Yeah.. It was…long."

"...I hated it too", Jim muttered. “At least it's over now. You'll be fine, and leave the hospital soon".

John nodded weakly, as his phone sounded. He read the text, and sighed. "He's here."

Jim took a deep breath, and grabbed John's hand in a possessive way. Then he kept his face blank, and tried to forget about the million reasons this wasn't a good idea. "Sorry", he mouthed. Then, when he heard Greg's steps in the corridor, he raised his voice slightly. "No, John. It's not enough. And you know it".

As he talked, he saw the way John’s expression changing into one of fear and discomfort. Jim hated it, but John wanted him to make Greg angry.

"But I-I can't do anything else." John said nervously.

Greg stopped in the doorway, eyes narrowing. "What the fuck is this?"

Jim turned around, and grinned. "Greg. This is none of your business. I was just discussing something with John".

Greg rose a brow. "None of my business is it not? What were you discussing?"

Jim shrugged. "I'm just curious. Sherlock wants him so much. And so do you. I just wondered why”. John was fidgeting uncomfortably, trying to take his hand out of Jim's grip.

"Oh, come on! I'm just holding your hand!" Jim sighed, and let John's hand go.

"You need to leave." Greg said coldly.

Jim stood up, and looked at John again. Then he turned to look at Greg. "I'm bored anyway", he shrugged.

Greg nodded his head towards the door. "Out." He said flatly.

"See you tomorrow", John", Jim said, ignoring Greg and walking to the door. He wanted to look back, wanted to tell John this was stupid and dangerous. But…it was John’s choice.   
So he walked out of the room and closed the door behind himself. 

Jim glanced at the guard outside the door, and almost considered saying something. But he decided to trust John, and went to meet Sherlock.

When he arrived, Sherlock was staring at a cold cup of coffee. When he saw Jim, he looked up.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on? No more secrets, we agreed".

Jim sighed, and sat down beside him. “I know. This....has to be John's choice. His decision. He needs to be in control of his life", he said, before telling Sherlock what had happened in the room. 

Sherlock listened to him silently, and then sighed. “But…he’s not okay. And he’s being an idiot, he just want to protect us. You….you promised to keep him safe”

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, and tried to ignore the bitter tone in Sherlock’s voice. “I’m trying, Sherlock. He’s safe, okay? There’s a guard outside the door, and he has a button to call the nurse. He’s safe. It’ll be okay”.

Sherlock nodded, and stared at his coffee again. He clearly didn’t believe Jim. After a moment, Jim stood up, and bought another coffee and a sandwich. He divided it in two pieces, and handed one to Sherlock who ate it silently. 

Jim drank his coffee slowly, glancing at his phone every now and then. It would be okay. It had to. 

About ten minutes later, he got a text from John with an audio file attached. The text just told him to listen in a private place. Jim looked at Sherlock, and hesitated. But he saw in his face that there was no way of keeping him apart from this. “Come. We can go to the waiting room of John’s floor. It’s almost always empty”.

Sherlock nodded, and they headed to that room. There was nobody in, and Jim closed the door behind them. Then he played the audio file.

It took him a moment to realize what he was hearing. John had recorded with his phone everything that had happened with Greg. Jim heard them talking. Greg, angry at John for letting Jim touch him. Greg telling John that he was his. Angry, possessive. John, sounding terrified, telling him to stop, begging him to stop. Jim paled, and paused the recording.  
They looked at each other, and run to John’s room. The door was closed, and the guard stopped them. “He had a row with his boyfriend, I had to escort him outside. A nurse is with him now. You can come inside, but if she tells you to leave, do it”.

Jim nodded, and they walked into the room holding hands. John was curled up under the blanket, breathing deeply as the nurse was crouched down beside the bed, talking to him softly.

Sherlock let his hand go as soon as he saw John. He run closer and extended a hand. But stopped before touching him. "John?”,he asked nervously.

Jim stopped next to the door. This was his fault. He should have stayed, or found another solution. 

"Give him a few minutes." The nurse said as she stood up. “He’ll be okay. He said he had a row with his boyfriend, and he’s a bit shaken. Oh, and tell that boy that he’s not allowed to visit anymore”

Jim nodded took a blanket and put it around John's shoulders without touching him. Then he sat in a chair, and didn't say anything.

“John?”, the nurse asked softly. “Do you want to be alone with your friends?”

John nodded nervously. “Y…yes”

The nurse nodded again, and left a pill and a glass of water on the table. “Take it if you need it”, she said before leaving. 

Jim watched John and Sherlock from besides the door. John was so pale. This was his fault. 

"John?", Sherlock said softly. 

"Yes?" John whispered, voice shaking. 

"I'm here", Sherlock replied. " It's okay. You're safe".

John nodded. "I know.. I know.."

"Is it over?" 

"I guess." John mumbled. 

"" So....what now?" Sherlock asked nervously.

John shrugged. "Now.. I rest."

"Where's him?", Jim asked after a moment. 

"I don’t know. They escorted him out.", John replied.

Jim already knew that. But John hadn’t reported what had happened, so they’d just taken Greg out of the hospital. "We're staying", Jim said firmly. "Go back to bed".

John nodded weakly. He was pale and tired, looking smaller and weaker than usual. 

Jim took a deep breath, and looked at them. Then he moved the chair closer to the bed, and sat down again. 

Sherlock looked at John, unsure. "Is it okay if I lie down with you?"

John hesitated, curling up tighter on himself. "Not.. Not today.."

"....okay", Sherlock muttered, sitting down on a chair. 

John pulled the blanket tighter around himself. 

Jim looked at how miserable John looked. And how worried Sherlock was. "I'll handle this from now", he said after a moment. Why hadn't he done it before? "Don't worry about anything. Just tell me if you want him in prison or not".

John shook his head. "No.." he said quietly. 

"Okay", Jim replied. He wasn't surprised, because he knew that John still cared about Greg, despite everything. He stood up. "He won't bother you again", he promised. 

John nodded weakly, closing his eyes. Under the sheets he was scratching at his wrist nervously. 

Jim noticed. He knew John too much not to. Clearly John couldn’t be alone tonight. "We still have a deal. And I'd rather not go to the centre with injuries", he said calmly. "I think Greg can wait until tomorrow. I'll stay".

John stilled. Then, he nodded once. 

Sherlock looked from one to the other, and sighed."So...what now?", he asked. 

"I need rest." John whispered. 

Jim sighed. "Now things will get better", he assured. "Try to rest a bit, Sherlock". He paused, and looked at John. "Do you need something to help you sleep?", Jim asked, glancing at the pill on the table. 

John hesitated before nodding. "I think.so."

Jim saw John taking the pill. Then he lay down again, and closed his eyes. He was asleep within minutes.


	108. Chapter 108

Sherlock kept his eyes fixed on John’s sleeping figure for a very long time, without saying anything. Finally, he looked at Jim.

“We should listen to the whole thing”, he whispered.

Jim nodded, and, together, they listened how John had tried to fight Greg, and how he finally had called for help. But instead of telling what it had really happened, John had pretended that it was a break up or a bad fight. It sounded like Greg had moved away from John before anybody had come into the room. 

“You said you could finish this”, Sherlock said after a while, still looking at John’s pale face.

“…yes”, Jim replied. “With this recording….yes, I can stop him. It’ll be okay, Sherlock. I promise. Now…try to sleep”.

“I have to make sure he’s okay”, Sherlock replied.

“Sherlock, he took a sleeping pill. He won’t wake up for hours”.

“So?”

Jim sighed. Part of him agreed with Sherlock. He should have protected John. But now he had a plan. Everything would be okay. “Try, at least”

“Why?”, Sherlock asked. 

Sherlock looked so worried, so tired. He needed to rest. “…please?”

Sherlock stared at him, surprised, and, after a moment, he nodded. Relieved, Jim handed him a blanket and a pillow. Asking wasn’t easy for him, but Sherlock really needed to rest. 

“You too”, Sherlock said firmly.

“Sherlock, I have to plan everything, and…”

“I’m not sleeping unless you do it too”

Jim hesitated. “What if I…wake him up? Or you? What if somebody hears and they report it?”

“Come here. Move the chair, come closer. I’ll notice if you have a nightmare, and I’ll wake up before anybody else can hear. Then I’ll wake you up, and nobody will know”.

Jim considered it. He was tired, and if he was going to deal with Greg the following day, he needed to be rested. “…okay”, he said finally, moving the chair closer to Sherlock.

It was easier to sleep like this. Feeling Sherlock so close, and hearing John’s breathing. After a moment, Sherlock took his hand and it was even better.

When Jim woke up, Sherlock was still holding his hand, asleep. No nightmares, then. Good. He smiled at that, and opened his eyes. And found John looking at them with a fond expression.

“Hey. You look better”, Jim said softly.

“I…feel a bit better”, John admitted. “He’s not coming back, isn’t he?”

“No. I promise”, Jim said firmly. “And stop talking about Greg. It’s not your problem anymore”.

“…okay”.

Jim smiled again, because John looked relieved and just for that it was worth it. Then they talked for a while about school, until Sherlock woke up and joined the conversation. By the time they left, John looked much better. 

On their way to school, Jim got a call. He had been expecting it, but that didn’t make it any easier. He had to go to the centre in two days, for his psychological evaluation. 

“Jim…it’ll be okay”, Sherlock told him, squeezing his hand.

“I don’t want to talk about it”, Jim said nervously, remembering all the things he didn’t want Sherlock to know. 

“…fine. But…I’m here if you need me”.

“I know, Sherlock. It’s fine. I've done this every year since I was twelve. And this is the last time. Don’t worry”.

“But you’re worried”

Jim forced a smile. “Then stop remembering me how worried I am”. 

Sherlock nodded silently, and stared at the ground.

Jim sighed. “Sorry. I just…don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

“…okay”

Maybe it wasn’t the best way to deal with it, and it had clearly made Sherlock feel excluded, but Jim didn’t want to think about it now. He had to make sure John was okay first. And that involved dealing with Greg. So at lunch time he told Sherlock to wait for him and stay with Seb and Molly, and he texted Greg. Sherlock hated it, but did what Jim told him to. 

"We have to talk. Meet me behind the gym. Jim"

He hesitated, and finally sent it. It had to be done.

Fine. – GL

When Jim arrived to the meeting place, Greg was waiting, rocking on his heels slowly, hands in his pockets. 

Jim studied Greg's body language, and wondered how he could be so calm and confident after what he'd done to John. He walked closer in silence, and looked Greg in the eyes. "The deal is over", he said firmly. "Stay away from John. Get out of here. Today".

"Why would I do that?" Greg asked, smirking cockily.

"You really have no idea, don't you?", Jim asked calmly. " Do you think I'd let you stay after what you did?"

Greg cocked his head. "What did I do?"

Jim raised an eyebrow. He had no idea if Greg didn't know, or if he was just pretending, but it didn't matter. "Try to rape John?", he asked calmly. " You're aware that it's a crime, aren't you?"

"I didn’t do that. Ask him.” 

Jim took his phone, and looked around. There was nobody close. Then he played the recording, and tried not to listen. He'd only listened to it once, and it had made him sick. John begging Greg to stop, how terrified he sounded. How helpless. He let it play for just a couple of minutes, and then stopped it and put his phone back in his pocket. "Yes. You did", he stated.

Greg hummed softly, trying to hold his composure. "Should have known."

"I could send you to prison with this", Jim stated. "But what would be the fun of it? So...I want you to leave. Today. Or I'll send this to your father". Jim had seen something in Greg’s eyes when he’d listened to John. Maybe it was true that he didn’t know what he’d done. But it didn’t matter now. Jim had promised John that Greg would be gone from his life. 

Greg's jaw clenched tightly. "Is that so?"

"Oh, come on. You know me. And before you think about doing something stupid, I have copies of that. So....what do you say? Do we have a deal?"

Greg was silent for a long moment. "Deal."

"I don't want you anywhere near John. I want you to leave", Jim said in a calm and emotionless tone. "If I see you again, I'll send this to the police, and you'll end up in prison for a very long time". Jim knew that Greg could go and live with his mother. He’d seen the custody papers, and the decision was Greg’s. 

Greg's expression was completely blank, but his eyes weren’t. Maybe…he regretted what he’d done. Maybe not. But he hadn’t fought Jim, hadn’t tried to negotiate. That was weird. "Fine. Goodbye." 

With that Greg just walked away.


	109. Chapter 109

The following days would have been perfect, if it hadn’t been for the evaluation. Jim would never admit it out loud, but he was really nervous. He did this every year, but this time would be the last one, and, if everything went okay, it would be over. He spent his days trying not to think about it, enjoying his classes with Sherlock, and making deals together. They visited John every day, and he was much better. He didn’t ask about Greg, and when Jim told him it was over, he just nodded. They visited Jim’s mother, too, and spent one night at each place.

 

His nights were different. What he couldn’t admit during the day filled his dreams with nightmares. He said something wrong. They didn’t let him go. Some times, Sherlock was there too, and they hurt him. Those were the worst nights.

He refused to talk about it, because it would only make him think about it more. Sherlock never asked. He just held him until he calmed down. And if being touched right then made Jim slightly uncomfortable, He didn’t mention it. It was Sherlock.

 

Finally, the day before leaving, Sherlock told him he had to talk to somebody. Jim knew he was right. He wouldn’t pass any test being like this. But he couldn’t tell Sherlock. Just thinking about the centre and Sherlock made him remember all those dreams. Sherlock studied him for a moment, and then told him to speak with John.

That was….weird. Because Sherlock was always a bit jealous when Jim talked to John. He must be really worried to suggest that.

That was why Jim found himself knocking at John’s door, alone. Sherlock was waiting home. Jim was nervous. There were so many things that could go wrong. He had promised Sherlock to stay, and that terrified him. No plan b. Sherlock had been right, he needed…something. Maybe talking to John would help. Tomorrow.

"Come in." John called softly, looking up from his book.

Jim walked into the room, and sat besides the bed. John looked much better, and that made Jim relax slightly. Then he took a deep breath. "Tomorrow", he muttered.

John's eyes went wide. "So soon?"

Jim nodded nervously. "I have to go to the centre tomorrow morning", he explained. "I....I told Sherlock everything would be okay, but...." But Sherlock had known it wasn’t true. And that had hurt him.

John nodded weakly as he spoke. "But you're not sure."

"I...I almost left. I went to the station, before", Jim muttered, looking away. "I....couldn't get into the train. I....I don't want to lose what I have here. And the evaluation.... It's just a few hours. I....I'll be back home in the afternoon. But...." He took a deep breath, not knowing what to say. He was scared.

"It will be okay." john said softly. "I'll make sure of it."

"Make sure he's okay? You know how...being alone affects him", Jim said after a moment. " I asked Seb and Molly to be with him at school, and he'll come here afterwards ".

John nodded. "We'll look after him. You take care of yourself."

"I've gone through this every year since I was twelve. It's just....tests, and interviews. It'll be fine", he said, more for himself than for John.

John nodded. "I know.. But still. Look after yourself."

"It's.... The last time. After this, I'll be free", Jim said nervously. "I....I'll call you tomorrow night. Don't call me, I'm leaving my phone with Sebastian. In case they....want to check it. I don't....it has personal things. It's safer with Sebastian".

"And.. If you don't call?"

Jim looked at him, confused. "Why wouldn't I call?"

John sighed, shaking his head. "Nevermind."

Jim frowned, suddenly more nervous. "It's.... Just a few hours", he repeated.

John nodded firmly. "Yeah it is."

"So....I....I'll call you tomorrow, then", Jim repeated. " And....you'll be out of here by the end of the week. Maybe....we could do something together, then. Take Sherlock somewhere nice". He needed something happy to think about.

John nodded. "Maybe…a small holiday or something."

Jim smiled at that, and nodded. "A few days somewhere, where we can forget about all this."

John smiled. "Sounds perfect."

"I can't believe it's almost over", Jim said with a nervous smile. "Things are so good that it's...scary".

 

John smiled softly. "It can only get better."

Jim nodded, and forced a smile. "Of course. Everything's going to be okay". Maybe if he said it enough times he'd end up believing it. “So....I'll call you tomorrow, when....it's over", he said again.

John nodded. "You better."

Jim nodded nervously, and stood up. "Okay....I....I'll call you".

"Jim. Relax. You know how to do it. You told me" John said softly. “It’s just a few tests, right?”

Jim nodded nervously. John was right. He could do this. And yet…..when he left the hospital, he went to the train station again. He stayed there for almost two hours, and only the promise he’d made to Sherlock made him go back.

When he arrived, Sherlock had made dinner. It made Jim smile. Sherlock was so worried, and he knew home made food always made Jim feel better. Jim walked into the kitchen, and smiled warmly at Sherlock. “What did you make?”

 

“That thing with cheese you made the other day”

Jim grinned, and tasted it. “No, you didn’t. Two ingredients are wrong, and about four are missing”.

“Tell me the recipe?”, Sherlock asked innocently.

Jim laughed, and shook his head. “No. I won’t. I told you I wouldn’t, Sherlock”

“I’ll get it right eventually. There aren’t so many possibilities”.

Jim grinned, and didn’t reply. Then he ate in silence. It was good, mainly because Sherlock had made it. Between that and the laugh, Jim felt warm inside.

That night, he let Sherlock touch him. Not for too long, because not being in control still made Jim slightly nervous. It was…..different, letting Sherlock decide what to do. Sherlock was a bit nervous too, and Jim realized that he always asked before doing anything. Maybe something had happened with John that made Sherlock unsure of his body.

It didn’t stop the nightmares, though. Jim woke up in the morning, feeling drained. He couldn’t eat anything, he was too nervous. Sherlock offered to go with him to the centre, but the idea of Sherlock being close to that place made him sick. So he kissed him and headed to the centre.

He stopped at Sebastian’s house, and gave him his phone. He didn’t want to have it in the centre,,in case they checked it. Sebastian didn’t ask, and they walked together part of the way. It was weird, how things had changed between them. There was a trust that hadn’t been there before.

Jim walked into the centre, and, like he did every year, he began to fill the documents. Most of it was legal stuff, telling him that, because this had been ordered by social services, the result wouldn’t be confidential. He signed it, because what other choice did he have? And then he reached the end of the document, and frowned. Emergency contact. He’d always wrote his mother’s name before, but now….she wasn’t okay. Who else was there? Sherlock. It was who he’d want close if there was an emergency. But….no. He didn’t want Sherlock here. No way. Sebastian? He’d be working after school. Molly? No, her parents wouldn’t allow it. He bit his lip. There was just one more option. He took the pen again, and wrote “John Watson”. Then he handed the files to the receptionist, and waited for the doctors to call him.


	110. Chapter 110

There was a new doctor, but that didn’t surprise him. There had been new doctors almost every time he’d come. This one was young. While he was introducing himself, Jim studied the office. His files were on the table, and it was clear that the doctor had just read them. Great. Jim didn’t like it. The young ones were usually the worst. As they didn’t have much experience they asked everything just in case, because they were scared of doing something wrong.

 

He called him James. Of course. Jim didn’t correct him, and forced a smile. He could do this, at least one last time.

 

The tests were easy. Jim had done them a lot of times before, and knew how to fill them. Not perfect, because that would look fake. So a few mistakes, but showing improvement. Getting better, recovering.

 

There were a lot of tests. Jim didn’t know how long he spent making them, but they allowed him to rest two times. They brought him food too, and Jim ate it despite not being hungry. Because they were watching, and maybe that was a test too.

 

After the tests came the interviews. That was what Jim hated most. At first, they asked him neutral questions. About school, and his daily life, and his friends. And then about Sherlock. They asked a lot about Sherlock and their relationship. But Jim knew what Sherlock had told them, and was able to reply to everything. What he said was true but for John’s role. Jim talked about John as a friend. Which was true too, he just didn’t mention that John was dating Sherlock too. He knew that wasn’t normal. He wasn’t ashamed of it, but he didn’t want to risk it.

 

And then they asked him about his past, about the scars and the nightmares, and about his father. Jim lied to those questions. He said what he’d read in the books, what they expected to hear: that it still bothered him, but he had got on with his life. That the memories were still there, but he had a good life now. That the nightmares were almost gone, and the scars didn’t bother him because they didn’t bother Sherlock. And while he was talking he realized that…he wasn’t lying. He had a good life, and he was happy.

 

Everything seemed to have gone okay. Jim was exhausted, he always was after the evaluations. He just wanted to go home and hug Sherlock, and forget about the rest of the world. But apparently he hadn’t finished yet. They told him to wait in another room, and Jim did it. He sat down, and tried not to get nervous. That part was new.

 

They brought him more food, and, again, Jim ate despite not being hungry. When they called him back to the office there were five doctors in there, and by their body language Jim knew they hadn’t agreed. That was bad. He sat down silently, and waited for them to speak.

“James, we’ve studied the results of your tests, and they show a great improvement since last year”, one of them said.

Jim just nodded, because they weren’t really expecting an answer.

 

“…but, since this is your last mandatory assessment, we have to be sure you’re not a danger to yourself. Specially given the state your mother is in”.

 

Jim tensed. That sounded bad. “I have Seb’s parents. His mother helped me to find the nurse. And I have Sherlock too”, he replied.

“We’re aware of that. We’ve discussed it, and we want to study your sleeping patterns”.

 

“I…have school tomorrow”, Jim said nervously. “I told you. I still have nightmares, but they’re less frequent, and don’t bother me that much”.

 

The doctors looked at each other for a second. Then one of them looked at Jim again. “Just for one night. You can leave in time for school tomorrow”.

 

Jim took a deep breath, and nodded, because he didn’t have any other choice. “My boyfriend is waiting for me. Can I go outside and tell him?”

“There’s a phone in the room. You can call him”.

 

So it was another test, then. Jim took another deep breath and nodded again.

 

They took him to a room, and Jim paled. It was the same room he’d been in when he’d been here as a kid. Just being here made him sick. He almost asked to be changed to another room, but the doctor who was with him was telling him how they’d chosen this room so he’d be more comfortable. Jim didn’t say anything. He just sat on the bed, and, when the doctor left, he took the phone.

 

Jim knew he was being watched. That was the whole point of staying here tonight. But maybe they couldn’t hear.

 

He wanted to talk to Sherlock. He needed to hear his voice, to feel loved. But….he was so weak. Just being in the room made him feel on the verge of panic. And he didn't want Sherlock to hear him like this, because Sherlock would know how bad he was feeling.

 

Finally, he decided to call John. He was still in the hospital, but would leave very soon. And he could take care of everything, he could tell Sherlock. He dialled, and waited, hoping John was still awake.

 

John answered straight away. Jim remembered that he’d promised to call, and it was already late.

 

"Jim?"

 

They were listening, of course. Or maybe he was just paranoid. Anyway, he couldn't sound too scared. He didn’t want John to worry too much. "John....I....I have to stay tonight. They want to monitor my sleep".

John hesitated. "Did everything go okay, so far?" He asked softly.

 

"Yes, I'm just tired", Jim said nervously. "Tell Sherlock, will you?", he added.

 

John sighed softly. "I will, of course." He promised. "I get out tomorrow. Do you want us to come get you?"

 

Jim bit his lip, and hesitated. He wanted to say yes. But....he was a mess, right now. And he didn't want Sherlock to see him like that. "Yes?" he asked nervously.

"Okay, we will.“

 

"So...you're okay now?", Jim asked, wanting to talk about anything that distracted him. He had no idea of how he was going to manage tonight. This week had been bad, and sleeping without Sherlock would be harder.

 

"yeah.. Yeah I'm okay. I won't be doing much for a while but.. That's okay."

 

"Good", Jim replied, taking a deep breath. He didn't want to finish the call, because that would mean being alone here. "I'm fine too. Just tired. Tell Sherlock I love him". Because if that didn't tell John that something was wrong, nothing would. It wasn't something Jim said often, because it was still difficult.

John was silent for a second. "I will." He said quietly.

 

"And tell him I'm okay", Jim added after a moment. " Maybe....he can stay with you tonight? He doesn't like being alone".

"Yeah, I'll call him in a bit."

 

"Thank you. I....." Jim had no idea of how he would manage to sleep today. Or if he could fool them. "…See you tomorrow", he repeated.

"Okay, see you tomorrow" John said softly. "Good luck."

 

Jim kept holding the phone for another moment. Then he lay down on the bed. And wondering how would he convince the doctors that he was okay. Or how would he be able to sleep in here.


	111. Chapter 111

Jim knew he had to sleep. They were watching, and this was just another test. He glanced at the phone, and considered calling John again. Or calling Sherlock. But…..he doubted it would help. What could they do anyway? He had to stay here for the night. So he got changed into the pyjamas they had given them and lay down on the bed. He turned off the light, and wondered if they were filming him. They probably were, he decided. That was the point of being here tonight, after all. And he was pretty sure that among the documents his mother had signed when Jim had first come here there had been an authorization for filming him. 

Jim closed his eyes and tried not to focus on how…familiar everything felt. The room was exactly the same. They used the same products to wash the sheets, so the smell was the same too. At least they’d removed the restraints from the bed. 

After some time, Jim slowed his breathing pace, and made his body relax. That way everybody observing him would think he was sleeping peacefully.

But he was tired. It had been an exhausting day, and he’d barely slept the night before. Eventually he ended up falling asleep.

In his dreams he was in the same room. It happened often, in his worst nightmares. Only, he couldn’t move, because his hands were tied down. Of course, they didn’t call it that way. They said it was for his own good, so he couldn’t hurt himself. They didn’t know what happened at night, what those men did to him. Jim couldn’t speak, and even if he could, who would believe him? He was just a crazy boy. Traumatized. He had delusions and didn’t know what was real. Or, at least, that was what the doctors said.   
Jim had had this nightmare many times before. He knew it was a dream, but that didn’t make it any better, because it was a memory too. And even if he was dreaming, what he felt was real. 

Jim woke up. And he was still in the same room, wearing the same clothes. And there were steps on the corridor outside, getting closer. In the night. No. No. Jim couldn’t help it. He screamed, despite knowing that it wouldn’t help, that it wouldn’t stop anything from happening. He knew what was coming, and he just wanted to wake up. Why couldn’t he wake up?

The door opened, and Jim froze. Light. Steps. Voices. Jim tried to pay attention, because part of him knew that it was important. But nothing made sense. And then somebody touched his shoulder, and he fought. He tried to move away from the touch, and ha hand grabbed him. No. He kept trying to get away, but there was too many people. It was weird, because he could never fight back in his dreams, but he was too scared to think. And maybe he just forgot it every time he woke up. More voices, more people. And suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room, and he was trapped. 

Jim couldn’t breathe. He wanted the people to leave, he wanted to wake up. And then he felt a sharp pain and his body relaxed against his will. He tried to protest. He tried to scream. But his body didn’t do what Jim wanted it to do. 

Then somebody else grabbed him. By then he’d started to feel the effect of the drugs in his mind too. Everything was confusing, and thinking was hard. He was carried back to the bed, because his body didn’t work right. 

Like always, the drugs only made the nightmares worse. Because he’d been drugged then __, too, and his body remembered. He woke up several times. Only…he didn’t. Or did he? He was still in the same room, and even the scent was the same. Was he awake? He had no idea of what was real and what wasn’t. They drugged him again, and Jim was fairly sure that it had been real because of the way the drugs made him feel.

They told him to eat, and he did. The tastes were…wrong, but Jim wasn’t sure why that was. Every now and then a nurse helped him to walk to the bathroom, because for some reason his legs didn’t seem to be able to hold him. One time Sherlock and John were there, and they were being hurt too. He woke up…or fell asleep, and Charlie was there, saying something with an angry voice. But Jim was too tired and confused to say anything. His father was there, too, some of the times. Only…that couldn’t be real, for some reason he kept forgetting. And his father was hurting him, him, hurting Sherlock, hurting John. 

Some times he tried to talk with the people he saw. But talking was difficult, he couldn’t focus and he had no idea of which ones were real. 

He lost track of time. At first he tried to count the number of times somebody brought him food. But he kept falling asleep and waking up, and he lost count, because some of the things he ate couldn’t be real. But everything felt the same, like a dream. And his body was in that weird relaxed state that he couldn’t control, which meant they kept drugging him. 

Jim tried to ask somebody to stop giving him that medication. But when he asked, a worried voice told him that it was for his own good. Jim had heard that too many times before, and stopped listening. 

And then, one of the times Jim opened his eyes, John was there. But…that couldn’t be real. What was John doing in the centre? And why couldn’t he wake up? He was still in the room, and John was there. That was bad. 

He felt as if he were about to panic, but just in his mind. His body was unnaturally relaxed, and everything felt wrong. "John! No.....no, you can't be here! They....they'll hurt you too"  
John was quick to sit by his side. "Hey, hey it's okay. I'm not in any danger." He assured gently. 

"You always say that, and then they hurt you. And Sherlock", he muttered, closing his eyes. “I want to wake up. I don't....I can't dream this again"

John gently took his hand. "Jim, this is real." He said softly. "I swear to God it's real."

Jim flinched at the contact, and looked at John, terrified. "No. No, this can't be real. You can't be here, they....they'll hurt you".

"They're not going to hurt me." John promised. "They can't."

"They always do. I don't....not again. You.....you have to leave", Jim muttered, closing his eyes. Why couldn't he wake up?

"How can I prove this is real" John asked, gently touching his cheek.

"I can't wake up", Jim whispered without moving. "I don't know, I....tell me something I don't know. If it's a dream, if it’s my dream, you can’t know anything I don’t"

John nodded. "Um, I'm living with Charlie now and I'm staying in the guest bedroom and I'm going to have to help him throw out all of Greg's stuff."

Jim stared at John, and then, slowly, he touched his cheek. "So I'm....awake? I can't....tell anymore".

"You're awake." John said softly. "I'm here."

"It's.... The same room. The same room I stayed in for almost two years. I....in my dreams I....I'm here a lot. I don't...."

"Do you want me to try and get you moved to a new room?" 

Jim hesitated. "I don't....they'd ask why. I can't...." He closed his eyes again, and grabbed John's hand. "My mind....is panicking, but my body....isn't. I hate....how it feels. Can't think".

"I can tell them that." John replied. "I can have you moved and ask if they can change your medication a little."

"John, you....you have to take me out of here. I...this place makes me....I'll end up crazy if I'm here much more. I...I can't..."

"Tomorrow." John said softly. "I'll... talk to Charlie. They have no reason to keep you here."

Tomorrow meant another night in here. Without knowing what was real and what wasn't. He looked at John nervously. "Promise me this is real", he muttered.

"It’s real, I promise."

"I....won't remember, when you leave. I don't....know what it's real. This....you...", Jim muttered, cupping his cheek. "...you feel real". And why wasn’t Sherlock here?

"How about.. I leave you something that reminds you this is real?" he asked, his hand resting over Jim's.

He was losing his mind. Nothing felt real anymore. Well...nothing but John. "....yes", he whispered, closing his eyes. " And....tell Sherlock.....tell him I'm fine". 

"I will. He’s outside, they only allowed me to come inside, because apparently I’m your emergency contact”, John said, taking Jim's hand. "Feel this mark?" he asked, pressing the mark Sherlock had left on Jim's neck. "I'll give you one too."

"I know it's there, but....I can't see it", Jim said nervously. " I....somewhere I can see? So I know you....you'll come back?"

John nodded. "How about, um... Your shoulder? You can see that."

Jim glanced around nervously and nodded. "I...yes", he muttered, closing his eyes again. " I need....something real".

John kissed his forehead softly. "It'll be okay." he gently rubbed Jim's shoulder before moving the material out of the way and carefully sucked a mark to the skin.   
It felt definitely real. "I hate this room. It's...exactly the same", Jim muttered, calming down a bit. 

"I'll ask them you move you." John whispered.

"They'll ask why, and....John, nobody knows. I don't want anybody to know", he whispered nervously. He touched the mark on his shoulder, and wondered why his forehead felt so warm where John had kissed it. John's body was so warm. " I....it's cold in here. Ask them....for another blanket?", he muttered. "I can't think. Get me out of here, John".

John gently stroked his cheek. "I'll handle everything." 

"Can I....hug you?” Jim whispered. There was a part of his brain telling him that he shouldn't touch John, but he couldn't remember why. And he was cold, and John’s body was so warm.

John opened his arms to him. "Of course."

Jim hugged John tightly. He smelt so....familiar. Safe. "Get me out of here. And...don't tell Sherlock that I'm....like this", he whispered in his ear. Sherlock would look at him with pity. And that would kill Jim. 

John held him tight. "I'll look after everything. I'll get you out.”

"I'm sorry", Jim whispered, feeling tears in his eyes.

John kissed his forehead again and held him tight. "Nothing to say sorry for."

"I'm so weak. Now how can I convince them that I'm okay?", he whispered in his ear. " I....I should have left".

"It'll be okay. What they gave you is bad."

"They...gave it to me....before. For months and months. I hate it", Jim muttered. 

"It'll be okay." John repeated. 

John couldn't know that. And yet....for some reason, it worked. "I....I'm tired. Could you....stay until I....fell asleep?", Jim whispered, hating that he needed it.

"Of course I can." he said softly. 

"Is Sherlock okay?", Jim asked, lying down again. " Are you?", he added, feeling dizzy. He hated the medication.

John gently pet Jim's hair. "We're okay. Just worried about you."

"Can't sleep alone anymore. That's.... That makes me weak", Jim muttered.

"I can't sleep alone either." John whispered. "Am I weak?"

"....I....I didn't say that", Jim muttered, opening his eyes again. " John....what's going to happen? Best case scenario? ", he asked, taking his hand.

"Best case scenario. We take you out of here and everything is rainbows."

"No, I mean....with you back he won't want me", Jim muttered, closing his eyes.

"He will want you." He said softly. "I can't...be what he needs."

"Look at me, John. I...I can't....I'm a mess. I can't be....anything".

"You are still amazing."

Jim closed his eyes. His body was reacting against his will, relaxing, and he hated how it felt. "He needs you. You didn't see....how much...we... he....misses...."

"Rest." john said soothingly. "I'll look after everything."

"...okay", Jim muttered, half asleep. His mind felt weird, and he couldn't think. But John would take care of everything. 

When he opened his eyes again, John wasn’t there. Jim looked at his shoulder, and saw the mark. 

Real.


	112. Chapter 112

Knowing when he was awake and when he wasn't helped a lot. But they kept giving him medication, and Jim was confused all the time. One of the times he opened his eyes somebody told him that they were moving him to another room. Without asking anything. Jim checked the mark on his skin, realized it was real, and calmed down a bit. Maybe he could do this after all.

 

Being in another room made things easier. The smell was the same, yes. But the window was a bit larger, and the door was in a different place. It was enough to tell him when he was dreaming and when he was awake.

 

They talked to him several more times, and, again, Jim lost track of time. He ate, he took his pills, he filled up questionnaires. He slept, he woke up. His body was still too relaxed, and thinking was difficult, his mind was out of focus. But he tried, because John would come back, and get him out of there.

 

Being drugged didn’t stop the interviews, They kept asking and asking, and, somehow, Jim managed to answer, though he wasn’t sure if he had said the right things or not. Until they asked him about his father again, and it was too much. Despite the medication, his body reacted at the memories, and they had to sedate him again.

When he woke up, he heard angry voices. Sherlock? No. Sherlock wasn’t here, couldn’t be here. He tried to check the mark John had made, but he couldn’t move. His body didn’t do what Jim wanted it to, it was too relaxed. He heard the voices, but couldn’t understand the words. More people. John. The doctors. And….another voice, one he trusted. Charlie? No, that made no sense. This couldn’t be real.

The voices sounded louder, people were coming closer. His mind was panicking but his body was relaxed, and it was a horrible sensation. Trapped inside his body. What had they given him?

More voices. Hands. Cold. And suddenly he fell asleep again. Or he didn’t, because he wasn’t sure anymore.

He was in the room again, and that wasn’t real, was it? He didn’t know. His father was there, talking to the doctors. Telling them that the test weren’t enough, that he needed more data and he was obtaining it himself. And Jim couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything, as his father described to the doctors exactly was he was going to do, in a calm tone. Jim knew what came afterwards, and tried to wake up. Only….he didn’t know if he was dreaming or not. And It hurt. Pain felt real in his dreams too, and he wanted it to stop. But it didn’t, not for a very long time.

 

And then he opened his eyes, and he couldn’t breathe. His body felt….weird, and he was panicking. He was in a room he didn’t know, lying in a bed. John was there too, lying down over the blanket and looking at him with a worried expression. John. He looked for the mark, and found it. Real. “J….John?”, he asked, trying to calm down. He knew how to do it, he’d known for years. Slow and deep breaths. But it didn’t work. John said something, but he was too focused on trying to calm down to understand it. Everything felt so…distant. And,at the same time, too intense. John. He focused on him. John was here, he was real. It helped, a bit. "What....what happened?", he asked, when he was able to speak.

"You had a nightmare." John said calmly. "But you're okay now. You're awake and safe."

He closed his eyes and tried to remember. "You ...you went there, to visit. And then...they made me more tests, and...gave me something. Everything is confusing after that. My father was there. Charlie was there. Sherlock was there. But....that....that can't be right". Sherlock. Where was Sherlock? He felt his whole body tensing again, and it took him a long time to calm down.

"They gave you something for anxiety, but it's wearing off. Your father wasn't there but Charlie was." John explained softly. "And Sherlock was, but he- he's gone home for a little bit. To see if there is news about his mum."

"You're hiding something", Jim replied without moving. "No. I don't want to know right now. Everything feels....too much", he muttered. "Just....tell me if Sherlock is fine, and if you're fine. And where am I"

"I'm fine, Sherlock is fine." John nodded in assurance. They were fine. "You're at Charlie's house. He's your legal guardian now."

 

"Charlie? But what about my mother? She needs me, she can't be alone, I have to..." He had to take care of his mother, she needed him, he....he couldn't breathe. What was wrong with him?

"Hey hey, calm down. The clinic doesn't own you like they did. Charlie isn't going to stop you looking after your mother, you know that."

"I...I know, I'm....trying. Something's....wrong", he replied, trying to breath at a normal pace. It wasn’t working, his body felt so weird.

"Wrong?" He asked softly.

"Wrong", he repeated. "I...I know how...to calm...down, and....it...it's....not working"

"Okay, look at me. I know everything is overwhelming right now, but that's cause of what they gave you. It'll pass. Just look at me and focus on me. Match my breathing." He instructed calmly.

John's eyes were calm and reassuring. He focused on that, and felt John's breathing. Slowly, he tried to match it. Their bodies were close, and it helped. Finally, he managed to do it, but it was something fragile.

"Good, you're doing very good." John said soothingly, keeping his own breathing slow and even.

Inhale, exhale. He focused on that, and on John. "This is...usually easy", he whispered.

"Easy when you're not on something." John corrected.

As if he’d had any other choice. Wait. John had said that the clinic didn’t owed him, because Charlie was his legal guardian now. "Charlie...won't make me take this again, will he?", Jim asked nervously.

"God, no."

He relaxed a bit. "I hate it. They...gave them to me, all the time, when I was there the first time. I can...remember things, but I can't feel them. B...But it had never been...this bad, afterwards"

"They gave you a higher dosage, I think. It's taking longer to wear off."

That made sense. How long would he feel like this? And then he noticed how close they were. And how uncomfortable touching made John. "Are you...comfortable like this? Because....if you are....you could stay. It helps"

"I'll stay." John assured.

"Good", he whispered, closing his eyes. He focused on John's heartbeat, and, slowly, relaxed.He didn't sleep. But he relaxed, and felt safe and protected. It was better than sleep. Every time his mind tried to focus on a problem, he listened to John's steady heart, and calmed down. Eventually, he fell asleep, feeling safe.


	113. Chapter 113

Jim woke up after a short time. Maybe. He was still confused, but nothing had changed. He still felt on the verge of panic, but....John was there. And it felt real. He observed John carefully. He was relaxed, but the way he was breathing told Jim that he was awake.

"John?", he whispered.

"Yes?" John replied, coming out of his daze.

"Did Charlie say something about...school? I don't think I can go today, I still don't feel...normal", he said nervously. The idea of letting other people seeing him like this...no. He couldn’t do this

"I'm not going today and I doubt he'll make you go." John assured.

Today was...wait. How long had he been there? He remembered two nights. Friday? Maybe it has been more time. He sighed, and closed his eyes again, listening to John's heart. “What day it is?”, he asked when he’d calmed down a bit.

 

"It's Friday."

"So...you left the hospital earlier", he muttered.

"I did. They said I was doing really well so they let me go."

"Good", he replied without moving. "John...why isn't Sherlock here? Was he...did I say something...", he asked, confused. He remembered Sherlock there. But maybe that had been a dream.

"He needed to go home for a while. It's nothing you did." John assured with a small sigh.

"Is he...alone?", Jim asked, worried. Sherlock hated being alone.

"Y-yeah.."

"Are you...sure he's alright?", Jim insisted.

John sighed. "No. I'll call him in a little bit, he's probably asleep."

"Okay", he replied. "Did you two...had a fight?"

"A bit of one, but it's okay now."

"I missed him", Jim whispered. "It was only a few, but it felt much longer. I...I chose you because...I didn't want him to see me like that", he explained. And because he didn’t want Sherlock close to the centre. But John already knew that.

"I know. He'll come back though and it'll be okay."

Jim stayed silent for a while, thinking. "What's wrong, John?", he asked finally.

John shrugged a little. "Nothing."

"You can tell me. Maybe...not right now, but...later. When I feel more....stable. If you want. I could help"

"I-I won't need any help with it.. Charlie's sending me to a psychiatrist for help."

"A good one? There are....there are good ones, too. If you want to talk...not now. I can't....think, now. But later”. Jim wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. On the one hand, John was getting help. But on the other hand....he was being forced to do it.

"Hopefully a good one." John muttered. "Maybe some other time."

"If they...start making you...fill questionnaires, and give you...medication....stop going"

"I will. I promise."

"Good", Jim replied. "Don't let anybody tell you how you should feel"

"I won't. . "Feeling any better?"

"More like myself. A bit", Jim said, because it was true. He still didn’t feel normal, but he was getting there. "Thank you for...staying"

"It's okay. You'd do the same for me."

"Yes", Jim agreed, feeling much better. "So...is it over? Am I free? No more therapy, no more testing, no more evaluations?"

"It's totally over. The doctor didn't fully understand why it was even being done."

Those were good news. No more fear. It was over, definitely. Why was he crying?

"Happy tears?" John asked nervously.

"Y...yes? I don't....I...I've always been...scared. I don't know...how....to be any other way"

John chuckled. "You're safe now. Totally free."

He was laughing and crying at the same time, and it felt...good. "Free", he repeated, not daring to believe it.

John laughed softly, happy for him. "Free." he repeated.

Sherlock should be here. He should be sharing this. No, no. John was here, and it was enough. More than he had had before, more than he deserved. "You'll be free too. I'll make sure of it"

"Thank you." John smiled, holding Jim a bit tighter.

"Thank you. For...everything", he replied, smiling back. "Sleep. You didn't, last night", he added, noticing how tired John looked.

"I'm not tired”, John protested.

"Yes, you are. But you're too worried to notice. Try. I'll be here"

John sighed and nodded. "Fine." he mumbled, closing his eyes as he tried to settle.

Jim didn’t move. It felt good, being this close to John. Eventually he noticed John’s body relaxing, and, for some reason, that made Jim feel safe. Slowly, he felt his own body relaxing, In a natural way this time. It felt amazing, after having taken sleeping pills all this time. There was something they had to do. A call. Something. But he was tired, and felt safe and comfortable, and fell asleep.

Jim slept deeply and without dreams. He woke up several hours later, feeling totally rested, and like himself again. And still between John's arms. It felt….weird, but not bad.

When Jim woke, John stirred from his thoughts. "Morning."

"Morning", he replied with a smile, though it was probably the afternoon by now."Is Charlie home?" He was hungry, they should make something for lunch.

"Maybe. We should check." John yawned, slowly standing up, a bit dizzy.

Still smiling, Jim sat on the bed, and looked around, studying the room properly. John’s things were here. So John lived here, now. Slowly, he got up.

"I'm going to get a shower, actually. Will you call Sherlock?" John asked, going to his wardrobe to get clean clothes.

"I...gave my phone to Seb, asked him to keep it while I was away", Jim replied. He needed to change, but he didn't have clothes here. And he had to go home, to check on his mother. But first he had to talk with Charlie to know how things were going to work. And....Sherlock. Jim hoped that he still looked at him in the same way. If Sherlock pitied him, or if things had changed...No. Sherlock had promised. It would be okay.

John handed Jim his phone. "You can borrow some clothes too." he told him before leave to go for a shower.

Jim called Sherlock, but he didn't pick it up. But he got a text about ten seconds later.

"I'm in class. Something wrong, John? SH

"It's Jim. Seb has my phone. Everything's fine. Miss you. Jim"

"I miss you too. SH"

Jim sighed, and looked for something that could fit him. He changed into John's clothes, and went downstairs.

Charlie wasn't downstairs, but had clearly been here while they were sleeping. Jim started to make something to eat for him and John.

John walked into the kitchen about ten minutes later, humming lightly."Did you talk to Sherlock?" He asked, flicking on the kettle.

"No, he texted saying that he was in class", he replied, showing him the texts.

"Oh, that's fine." He nodded, taking down two cups.

Jim finished cooking, and served a plate for John and another for himself. "I have to talk with Charlie", he said sitting down.

"About?"

"Well...am I going to live here? Which are the rules? I should go home and take some things, and talk to my mother, and..."

"Hey calm down a little. Charlie isn't strict unless it's important. He'll set down some guidelines but," He shrugged. "You're nearly eighteen. He won't push it."

Jim started to eat, as slowly as he could, because it calmed him down and he was starting to get nervous again. "What about Sherlock?"

"He asked me to stay with him tonight. You too, if you're feeling up to it. Weekends we are allowed out."

Jim looked at John, and nodded slowly. "Are you going to eat something?", he asked, calmly. John was like Sherlock some times. They needed to be reminded to eat.

"Hm? Oh, yeah sorry." John nodded, bringing the tea over to the table. He sat and began to eat.

"Can you text Sherlock and tell him to ask Seb for my phone?"

John stopped eating at halfway through his food and nodded. "Yeah, course." He picked his phone up off the table and sent Sherlock a text.

Jim finished his food silently and then he looked at John again"So...are we going to share the room?", he asked after a moment.

"I kind of doubt it. But the only other room is Greg's. But he’s gone to live with his mother, so if you want it, I'm sure you're welcome to it."

Jim shook his head without thinking. "I...I don't mind sharing", he said after a second. Because waking up alone was confusing, and he wasn’t sure if he was awake or not at first. And sleeping without Sherlock would be difficult. And then he realised something: with John there, Sherlock wouldn’t share a bed with Jim anymore.

John nodded slowly. "Alright, we'll share then."

"It shouldn't matter, but...it does", Jim said nervously, trying not to think about Sherlock. "If you don't mind, of course. And if...Charlie allows it"

"I don't mind." John assured."If he's home early, you can ask him."

"You could...show me the house", Jim suggested. John seemed to feel comfortable here.

John nodded. "Yeah, course." He rose to his feet and put his things away.

Jim stood up and followed him. "It's not that I'm not grateful. It's...much better to be here than in the centre. But...nobody bothered to ask my opinion", he whispered.

John sighed. "There was no other way to get you out of there." He admitted.

"I know", Jim replied. "You know how much I hate it when I can't control things", he said, unsure.

"I did the best that I could under the circumstances.", John whispered.

"I know. I wouldn't have done it better", Jim replied.

John hummed quietly in response, leading Jim through the house, though this time he simply pointed at certain rooms, not wanting to go back in.

Jim didn't enter those rooms. Once they had seen everything, he sat on John's (theirs? ) bed. He hated changes, and everything was changing too fast.


	114. Chapter 114

"What are we doing today, then? I have to go...home, and take some things. Are we...allowed to go out?", he asked eventually

"Charlie is bringing me to the psychiatrist for half three, so he could drop you home and help you get your things if you'd like?"

He nodded. "Do you want to talk about that? I feel...more like myself, now". And he could see how worried John was-

John sat on the bed and pulled his knees to his chest. "Don't...don't tell Sherlock this please.".

"I promise", Jim said softly, putting an arm around John's shoulders. They were hiding too many things from Sherlock, but he understood why John was asking that.

John leaned into him slightly. "I.. Charlie called me into the kitchen yesterday after we brought you back here and he asked me if I'd hurt myself or anything when I'd been alone earlier and I said no, cause I hadn't. But then he- he pointed out that there was blood on my shirt sleeve and a bit on my jeans, but it looked like drops." He rolled up his sleeve to show Jim, looking at the cuts as if there were alien to him. "I don't remember doing it, at all. I wouldn't have noticed if Charlie didn't ask me.. I-I- the last thing I remember is being on the phone with Sherlock, and then I don't know. Until I got to the clinic, I have no idea what I did. That's two hours."

Jim held him, and didn't say anything for a moment. "Okay. First...that's out of our deal. You didn't do it willingly. And if our idiot boyfriend finds out, I'll find a way to stop him of doing something stupid. Second...you blacked out. It happened to me, more than once, when I was under a lot of pressure. It means nothing, and will go away when you feel better. And third...why weren't you at school?", he asked in a gentle tone.

John rolled his sleeve down with a shaking hand, biting his lip. "I wasn't in school because I just.. I wasn't okay for it. I'm not as comfortable as I used to be there, even with Sherlock. I know a lot has changed but.." He shook his head."I just couldn't deal with it. My leg was hurting a lot and I couldn't even bring myself to get through a second class. I-I just came back here and cried."

"You didn't know how to deal with all that, and...your mind used the only means that had worked before", Jim said calmly. "You're under a lot of pressure now. It's not...that bad. Things will get better. Next time you feel like that...call somebody. Me, or Sherlock. Or Charlie", he replied, hugging him. Having people he trusted around had helped him so much.

John hugged him back, sniffing back his tears. "I will." He mumbled.

"Not when it's happening. Before. That way you felt, right before..." He looked for words to describe it. "Like...everything hurts so much, and you can't take it anymore. That's what makes your brain...disconnect. So...if you feel like that...call me"

"I'll call you." John said quietly, though his voice still shook.

"If that doctor is any good, you'll learn how to control your emotions better, and it won't happen again. Remember that trick I taught you? Focusing on a good emotion? That's part of it. One of the good ones taught me that"

John nodded again and leaned into Jim a bit more. "I hope she's decent. I think she works with the police sometimes, that's how Charlie knows her."

"I've been...forced to talk to a lot of people. The good ones teach you useful things. Things you can use to feel better, more confident. Like...breathing, and focusing. The bad ones...ask you to take tests, and give you drugs", Jim explained.

John bit his lip nervously. "I really don't want to go at all."

"I know. Talking about these things with strangers is...not pleasant", Jim answered. "Go today, and see how it goes. If you don't like it, we'll talk to Charlie, and I'll teach you what you need to know"

"I'll go. But.. If she tries to get me to take medication, I probably won't say no. Depending on what it is, of course."

Jim sighed, and hugged him tighter. "I hate it because I was forced to take it for months, and because...taking it made me unable to...stop some things to happen", he muttered. "But...if she explains you what she wants you to take, and it helps you to feel better..." He stopped, and took a deep breath. "It's your choice, John". He knew that medication helped some people. "It'll be fine. And I'll teach you anyway. It's useful”.

 

John smiled weakly. "Thanks Jim. For everything."

 

"No, John. Thank you. You gave me...Sherlock. And your friendship. You...changed everything"

John smiled a bit brighter. "So did you. You've helped me so much, it still amazes me sometimes."

He didn't answer. He still felt emotional, and if he did he'd end up crying. So, instead, he hugged him again."So...you'll go there while I go home, and then we go to Sherlock's?", he asked. Planning always made him feel better, more in control.

"Yeah, sure."

"Good", Jim said, moving his arms away reluctantly. "Can I...give you a butterfly? I think it could help."

John bit his lip. "Um.. Okay.." he nodded a bit reluctantly.

"Don't laugh. I'm not good at drawing", Jim warned, taking a pen. "I think that...even if you're not yourself...if you try to cut and see it, you won't do it", he added, shrugging. "It's worth a try, don't you think?"

John smiled a bit at the drawing comment but then nodded seriously. "Definitely worth a try." He said before rolling up his sleeve.

"Okay", he muttered, holding John's wrist with a hand, to keep his arm steady. He started to draw, slow and carefully. It wasn't symmetrical. It wasn't beautiful. It barely looked like a butterfly. He sighed. It was his best.

"You're getting better at them”. John smiled a little, standing to hug Jim. "Thank you." he whispered.

"I'm good at a lot of things. Drawing isn't one of them", he replied, smiling.

He chuckled. "Me neither."

"So...are we staying with Sherlock for the weekend?", he asked, putting down the pen.

John nodded."Yes."

Well, that was...back to normal, in a way. "Good. I didn't like how he sounded in his texts.", he replied. "When is Charlie coming?"

"About three ish I think."

"It's going to be weird", he said, worried.

John sighed. "I know."

He took John's hand without saying anything. He had touched John more in the last day than in all the time since he knew him. But it felt natural and comforting. "You and Sherlock had a balance. Me and Sherlock had a balance. Even...you and me, in a way. We'll find a new balance together"

John squeezed Jim's hand. "Balance." he nodded. "It will be fine. We trust each other." he smiled weakly.

He nodded. "Of course we do. We're family.", he replied. He looked around, needing to do something. "Why don't we...pack some things for you for the weekend?"

John nodded. "Good idea. What do we need?"

"Clothes for tomorrow and Sunday...and anything you want", he said with a smile.

John nodded and led the way upstairs to find an overnight bag.

He didn't have to pack anything. About half of his things were already at Sherlock's house. He followed John, thinking about the logistics of the weekend. And...he didn’t like hiding things from Sherlock, but there were things he shouldn’t know. It would make him happier.

They packed a few changes of clothes, in silence, both of them lost in thoughts. When the bags were ready, Jim looked at John, and decided he’d just ask. It was easier that way.

"Was it...weird, sleeping with me?", he asked, cautious.

"Not really, why?" John asked absently.

"I...I've been sleeping in Sherlock's room. I...didn't want to, at first. That was...your place. But...the night I slept outside, he took me there, and after that...I...stayed.", he said, unsure. "I don't...think I can sleep alone for a while, not after....", He stopped again. Focus. "I don't want you to sleep alone, either. I don't want you to feel out of place. And I was wondering...that....maybe...we could...I don't know...move another bed to Sherlock's room, or something like that, so we could...sleep together. Just sleep. If you want...some time alone with him, that's fine, just say it, but..." He bit his lip. He hadn't thought this enough, he sounded hesitant. "So. What do you think?"

John sighed and sat on their bed. "I don't know. I.. I don't really want to go to Sherlock's that much." he admitted. "I want time alone, to get my head straight and to just be alone because I never was at the hospital. But I have to go because he'll think I don't love him. But I'm scared, Jim. I don't want to black out while I'm there. And it might happen." he whispered. "And I can't even be selfish like you told me to try and be because I tried to speak up about what I thought and it just hurt Sherlock."

Jim took a deep breath. "Okay. Too much information at the same time. Let's...study it step by step. You...tried to speak with Sherlock, and it went....bad? He's not good at talking about emotions. Neither of us are. We need...practice. It will get easier. Talking to you is easier now. Sherlock...we haven't...trusted him, not really. We wanted to protect him, and it makes he feel excluded. It isn't...the right balance.

John sniffed quietly. "So what, we tell him everything? Bit late, since he figures it out eventually." he muttered. "If we don't alter the truth then nothing would have worked as it was meant to."

Jim paled. "N...not everything. I can't do that. I don't know. When...when I have nightmares he always asks. Sometimes I tell him. Others...I tell him I can't. He seemed to understand. " He took another breath, and calmed down. "Not even you know everything", he added in a whisper.

"I know, and there is a lot you don't know about me."

Jim noticed a subtle change in John's body language. Guilt? What had they been talking about? Jim had said that he couldn't tell everything to Sherlock. No. No, John would never. "You...you told him? You told _Sherlock_? What....what did you tell him?", he asked, scared. Maybe that was why Sherlock had been acting so strange, leaving before he woke up, and not taking his call.

"I needed to tell Charlie and Sherlock overheard.. He didn't mention it. At all.. I mean, why would he when it happened to me too?" he wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm sorry."

"And then he left", Jim whispered, closing his eyes. "It's...it's...alright", he lied. Sherlock knew, and hadn't stayed.

"He left because of me. Not you... We argued and I made him feel unwelcome."

"You don't know that", Jim muttered. "I....I can't..."

John sighed. "Jim if he had a problem with it happening to you and left, he would have done that to me too."

"Y...yes, that's logical", he answered. "You...did the right thing", he added.

"Did I though?" John whispered.

Jim laughed bitterly. "I was telling you that we should trust him more. I...how can I say that, and get angry because you told him? You got me out of there. You did what you had to. And yet...I wish he didn't know. I've been...a victim all my life. Sherlock...if he looks at me with pity, I...” He paused, and took a deep breath. “...We'll deal with it", he said, trying to convince himself.

"I've been a victim too you know. It.. It doesn't get easier."

Jim nodded. "I know", he said, wondering if the admiration in Sherlock's eyes when he looked at him would be gone.


	115. Chapter 115

Jim studied the room again. It was....strangely familiar, maybe because John’s things were here, and they’d been in Sherlock’s house. But...Sherlock was alone. That was wrong. He looked up and met John’s eyes.

"It will be fine", John said softly.

He nodded. "We'll deal with it. One problem at a time. You were worried you'd...black out in front of Sherlock. If that happens...I'll keep you safe." John had protected him, so Jim would do the same. Although he doubted it would be necessary, Sherlock’s house felt safe.

"Will you?" John asked softly.

"Always", Jim replied. "You did the same for me. If...if I had stayed in that room any longer...", he whispered, knowing that he didn’t have to say anything else. John understood.. "Always", he repeated. "Even if...Sherlock...changes his mind about one of us". Because after seeing Jim like this...Jim sighed, and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Which will be me. I don't belong in this relationship."

Jim looked at John, surprised. "That's what I feel all the time, too", he admitted.

"But you do belong. You make him so happy and he is confident in school now and I could never give him that. You are all he wants and all he needs."

Jim shook his head. "I'm not. I don't...understand emotions very well, and...I can't help him when he feels bad. I only can keep him busy, or distract him. You made him feel better. I can teach him how to project confidence. And he's...surprisingly good at it. But it's not real, John. He needs you"

"He doesn't need me. He never will. I'm not able to make him happy or feel better. I make it worse always. There's no reason for me to be here."

"I don't know if that's true. But...I need you", he replied, taking John’s hand.

"I need you too." John squeezed his hand.

He smiled weakly. "Okay, let's...finish packing. We don't have much time", he said. Being busy helped.

John nodded. "Yeah alright." he sighed, standing up.

"Okay. So you need...clothes for two days. What else?"

"Um toothbrush, hair gel and deodorant?"

Jim nodded. "Okay. Get everything."

He nodded, worrying at his lip and went to get those things.

Sherlock hadn't called yet. That was weird, and worried him. He hoped everything was okay. Sighing, he followed John. He had walked into the bathroom, and was staring around. There were flecks of blood on the carpet and tissue in the waste basket. John breathed deeply and carried on getting his stuff.

Jim frowned, and started to clean everything until there was no trace of what had happened. That helped some times, too. When John thanked him, he just smiled.

"It bothered you, and it was easier to solve", Jim explained. "Are you ready?", he asked, because he still had no idea of what to say when somebody thanked him.

"Yeah, sure." he sighed, though he was shaking a little.

He sighed. "I told you I wasn't good at comforting people", he replied, unsure. Then he hugged John.

John hugged him back. "I know but youre getting better."

"See? Practice", he said with a smile, hoping than John didn't notice how altered he was.

John held him tighter. "It'll be okay."

"Of course", Jim replied. "We should wait downstairs", he added without moving.

"In a minute." John mumbled. And then John realised how nervous John was, too. If it had been Sherlock, and he were like this, Jim would kiss him until they both felt better. Wait. What was he thinking? He didn't like John like that. Did he? No. No, of course not.

He moved slightly, and looked John in the eyes. He found there the same confusion he was feeling. And he had absolutely no idea of what to do. They had kissed before. It had been nice, but he hadn't felt anything special. And...what if...he lost John's friendship because of this? And Sherlock. How would he react? Well....John looked nervous too, but a different kind of nervous. There were two ways of knowing. One was doing something stupid. The other one was asking. Which was pretty stupid too, but....

"What would you do if I kissed you?", JIm asked.

"I.. I would kiss you back." John replied softly, sounding as scared as Jim was.

They shouldn’t. They really shouldn’t. Not without asking Sherlock’s opinion before. But Jim just wanted to feel better, to feel normal again. He hesitated again. Rules. Yes, rules will make this have sense, will make it safer. He swallowed. "Just a kiss. And we...we'll talk, after it. And...we'll be friends, no matter what. How...how does it sound?"

"Of course. If you want.", John replied after a moment of silence.

Jim hesitated again. This wasn't cheating, was it? No. They were already in a relationship, in a way. He kept looking at John's face, looking for any signs of hesitation. Then, slowly, he pressed their lips together. Not like he’d done the other time, wanting to make John enjoy it. No. This time it was soft and tender, wanting to show him how much he cared.

John kissed him back, like he’d said he would. But they didn’t kiss him for a long time. There was no need. When Jim broke the kiss, John kept hugging him. It had felt...right. Not like Sherlock, nothing like Sherlock, but...as right as that. "Good?", he asked, unsure.

"Yeah," John nodded slowly.

"It was good for me, too", JIm said with a shy smile.

"Good. And we're still friends.", John replied.

Jim nodded. "Of course.", he replied, moving a step away. John was smiling and definitely feeling better. He took his hand. "If you have everything you need, let's go downstairs." It had felt right, yes. But neither of them was going to do anything else. It would hurt Sherlock. The kiss...both of them had needed it. And it had been enough.

It had been good. It had made him feel much better. It had been totally different than the other time he had kissed John. No, no. He wasn't going to over think it. He felt good. John felt good. It was all that mattered. Still smiling, and holding John's hand, he walked downstairs to wait for Charlie.. They waited patiently for Charlie until he pulled up.

"Ready to go?"

"Mhmmm. Afterwards, we'll be going to Sherlock's."

Jim looked at Charlie, nervously, and squeezed John's hand. "Thank you for...getting me out of there", he said, unsure.

Charlie glanced at their joined hand but said nothing about it. "It's no problem. I suppose we'll discuss rules and such when you get back from Sherlock's?"

Jim nodded, grateful. More time to get used to the changes would definitely help. "I...need to go home, to get some clothes, and to see my mother. Could you...take me there while John is with the doctor?" It was difficult to ask for things, he wasn't used to it.

Charlie nodded. "Of course. I'm taking the weekend off so I'm definitely able to help out. Hop into the car."

Jim nodded, and followed him inside the car. He was nervous, which was irrational.

John got into the car after Jim, growing nervous too.

 

"You alright, John?" Charlie asked, looking back at them in the rear-view mirror.

John nodded. "Yeah. Just.. nervous."

"Don't be. The woman you're going to is good, top of her class. I wouldn't bring you to some dodgy place."

Jim took John's hand again, and squeezed it. "It'll be fine. You'll be fine"

John smiled weakly and nodded. "I hope so."

 

"Of course it will. It won't be a long session. Forty minutes at most and afterwards you can decide if you want to go again”, Charlie explained

"There are...useful things you can learn. And...whatever you tell her, she can't tell anybody", Jim added.

John nodded, relaxing a bit. "I'm sure it'll be okay. What's the worst that could happen."

Jim thought about it carefully. "The worst that could happen...I think that...the worst would be that she couldn't help you. And then we'd look for another solution", he said calmly.

John nodded slowly. That wasn't too bad. "Yeah.. You're right."

"I'm always right", he replied, smiling

He chuckled. "Yes, you are."

Apparently he was getting better at making John smile. "Of course", he said with a bright smile. "Forty minutes. It'll be fine. Just...talk to her, and listen of what she has to say"

John nodded as Charlie pulled up next to a building. He smiled weakly. "See you later." John told them before getting out of the car and walking up to the building.


	116. Chapter 116

"He'll be fine, won't he?", Jim asked, as soon as John was out of sight and there was no need to hide his worry.

Charlie nodded once as he pulled away again. "He will. He's a strong kid and something like this will help him. It has to."

 

"So...I'm going to stay with you", he said, cautious.

 

Charlie nodded. "Yes. Though I won't stop you from staying with your mother."

Jim relaxed slightly. "How....how was she?"

"The nurse said she's been doing fine. Sleeping often, eating as she needs to. She asks about you, but otherwise she seems to be doing better."

"She...asked about me?", Jim repeated, smiling. "Really?" That meant she missed him. And...she remembered him. That only happened on good days.

Charlie nodded, smiling. "You and Sherlock."

"She likes him.", he said, feeling better. "We...stay....stayed one night at Sherlock's house and one night at mine. She...she looked happier", he added, wondering if Charlie would allow him to visit. And if Sherlock would want to.

Charlie nodded as Jim spoke. "You two should go more often. During the week if you want. I know I'm not letting John out during the weekdays, but that's for a proper reason. You can go out if you want though."

"I..." Suddenly, he understood Sherlock. He wanted that. John needed him. Sherlock needed him. His mother needed him. And Jim could just be in one place. "

I'll talk to Sherlock. Maybe...if you're okay with it, and...take care of John. Maybe once or twice a week", he replied. Too many changes, too many new things.

Charlie nodded. "Sounds good to me. Just tell me what days when you have it sorted and I'll work around it."

Somebody else was taking care of everything. Somebody who was a good person, and cared about him. He wondered how it would be, having somebody like that on your life. Because, as much as he loved Sherlock....and John, it was him who took care of everything. Maybe...maybe he could trust Charlie, just a bit. John had told him what had happened, and he still cared. "Thank you", he whispered, wondering why he felt like crying.

"No problem." Charlie replied softly. "And, if you ever need to talk to someone and you're too worried to go to John or Sherlock, you can talk to me. Any time you want and about anything."

"I..." Jim looked him in the eyes, and saw nothing but honesty and worry. "You have to promise not to tell them", he started, hesitant.

"I promise." Charlie assured gently, growing more concerned.

"I can't...feel it's over. I know it. I know I won't have to go back, but I can't feel it. I can't stop being...I can't feel safe. Unless John is there. Maybe Sherlock, too, I don't...know yet. I tried, but..."

Charlie frowned thoughtfully. "You need some type of closure about it. What do you think could help?"

Closure? What would make him feel...it was over? Burning that place. No, he couldn't do that. "Maybe...burning the articles they wrote?", he replied, unsure.

Charlie nodded. "I can arrange that if you'd like. And on your birthday you can burn the documents saying who's care you're under. I wouldn't be insulted." He smiled a little.

Jim smiled too, feeling a bit better. "I know it won't make it disappear. There are digital copies everywhere. But...maybe it would help. The articles, my files..." He looked at Charlie, grateful. "On my birthday, then"

"You'll be completely free then." Charlie smiled. "I'll set something up, find all the articles I can."

"I have everything", he whispered. "Even....my father's"

Charlie nodded, smile falling to a grim line. "We'll burn it all then."

Just planning it made Jim feel better. "I need...advice about something else", he said, surprising himself. He hadn't planned to say that.

"Yeah? Ask away."

 

"John said...that he had told you...what happened to me", he said, speaking slowly. "And that...Sherlock heard it. He...didn't know. Well, he's Sherlock. Maybe he knew. But I hadn't told him. And...we haven't talked since then, I...I don't know...how to act, or what to expect. I'd never told anybody, only John, and....that was easier, because he...understood"

Charlie fell silent for a moment. "Don't expect anything. Some people take it differently depending on who it's happened to. John would understand for obvious reasons. Me too. But Sherlock.. I don't know him very well, but I am guessing he doesn't know how to handle these situation and just needs some time to get his head around it. It's one thing knowing it, but another hearing it's true."

 

Jim nodded. "I...I don't think I couldn't stand it if...if he looked at me with pity", he whispered. "Or if...he decided it was too much, and left. John...John said it won't happen, because Sherlock knows about him and still loves him, but..."

"But you're still scared." Charlie nodded, sighing. "Put it this way; if he thinks any different of you because of it, he's not worth it. And as much as you'll say he is or anything of the sort, it won't be true. But that's only if it makes him change his mind. But I don't think it will. He knows everything else about you and John, so this shouldn't change too much."

 

"Thank you Charlie." It was good to be able to talk to somebody. It was good not having to be strong all the time.

"And Jim.. You don't always have to make other people feel better before yourself. Your happiness is more important."

"I'm happy. I..." He stopped, and looked at him. "That's the scary part. I'm happy. I've never have been, before. The idea of losing this, losing them..."

Charlie nodded in understanding. "Well let yourself be happy. Don't think about the time where you might not be, because you could end up bringing it closer than you want to."

He nodded, and didn't answer. He had a lot of things to think about.

Charlie fell silent as they pulled up to Jim's house. "Here we are. Will I go in with you?"

 

"I...I don't know what I'm going to find. But..." like always. He didn't want anybody to see his weakness. "Could you...wait here? I'll check on her and take some things for the next week. Five minutes"

Charlie nodded. "Sure thing. I'll wait." He assured.

Jim nodded, and, slowly, walked to the door and opened it. He froze. His mother was sitting on the sofa, and...lying close to her, asleep and with his cheeks stained by tears, was Sherlock. What was he doing here? He kissed his mother's cheek, and she muttered. "He's a good boy, Jimmy"

"I know, mum", he whispered.

She nodded and closed her eyes.

Jim went upstairs, and prepared a bag with some things to take to Charlie's house. When he went downstairs, his mother was asleep too. Unsure, he walked outside.

Charlie looked up as Jim Jim got back into, frowning. "Everything okay?"

 

Jim shook his head. "Sherlock is inside. Asleep. I...I don't know what should I do"

 

"Leave him. Let him come to you." , Charlie suggested softly.

 

"To his house? I mean...I do have a key, and so does John. So we just...go there and wait for him?" He needed to know what had happened. If he had his phone, he could phone Seb or Molly, and ask.

"Talk to John about it first. Make the decision between both of you, because you both know what's right to do when it comes to Sherlock."

."Would you...allow it if we decided to go my house instead? Could John come?"

"Well, yes. It is the weekend now. Free reign on yourselves."

"Thank you", he replied. " I...I'll talk with John, then"

"Good. Want to do anything else before we collect him?"

 

Jim nodded. "I...want to buy something. A frame, for this picture", he said, opening his bag to show him a picture of the three of them at the park, relaxed and smiling. He had made three copies, and left one at home. "Two frames. One for John, and another for Sherlock."

Charlie nodded. "That's cute. To the store." he smiled, pulling out into main traffic.

 

Cute. Was it? He wanted to give them something to remember that they could be happy. That they could be together without bad things happening. He closed his eyes and relaxed. It felt good to stop worrying for a moment, to have somebody who he could trust. Neither of them spoke again until they got to an arts and crafts store. "I'll go in with you. I need to pick up some things to redecorate anyway", Charlie said then.

That made Jim remember the conversation with John. And that he really didn’t want to sleep in a room alone. "I...haven't asked you. Is it okay if John and I share the room? He's okay with it", he asked hesitant, as they walked into the store.

"Do you want to share a room? There is plenty of space now."

 

"Yes. And so does he. If you...are okay with it. It's...easier to sleep when he's there"

And that settled it. Jim couldn’t believe how....easy things had been today. Well, sort of. He bought the frames, put the two pictures in them and wrapped it before putting them in his bag.

They talked for a while, and Jim found himself listening to Charlie’s advice. Maybe….things would be better now. Jim asked about Greg, and Charlie told him that he had decided to go live with his mother. Jim didn’t say anything. They should tell Charlie what had happened. But….not now. Not when things were starting to feel normal again.

It was almost time to pick John up, so they drove there and Charlie parked at the door. And then Jim hesitated again. There was something he needed to sort out before seeing Sherlock. “Charlie? Can you…lend me your phone? I need to call Molly”

 

“Sure. You can go out too, if you want”.

 

Jim nodded, took the phone and got out of the car. He called Molly, because she was the one who always knew how to make Jim understand his feelings. They talked for a while, and Jim told her a bit of what had happened, and that he was going to stay with Charlie for a while. And then he hesitated. "There's....something else I....I need advice about.", he said. Maybe Molly could help. And just talking, and knowing somebody else was helping made him feel much better.

 

"Ask away."

 

"You know how...are things between....John, Sherlock and I, don't you?", he started.

 

"Yes, Jim. What happened? Is something wrong?"

 

"I kissed John", he whispered. "We....I don't know. It's...confusing."

 

"How do you feel about John?" she asked softly. "Are you attracted to him?"

 

"I...wasn't. But...now, I don't know. Something has changed. I care about him. I trust him. And...it felt right. For him, too. We both felt better afterwards", he replied. It sounded more confusing than it was in his mind.

 

"It's understandable. You both love the same boy and each other in a way. It's natural to take comfort in the way you know best but.. What would you do if you decided you wanted to date Sherlock AND John?"

 

"I...I'd talk to them. Ask them what they think. I don't want to lose what I have now, but....if they were okay with it, I....I'd like to try it"

"I suggest talking to them soon if that is the case, then. Only a couple of months left before college."

 

Jim nodded. "If...they're not okay with it....it's fine, too. I'd still have them. If...John is feeling okay, I'll talk to him today. If he isn't....well, it can wait"

 

"Good idea. I hope it works." she admitted.

 

"I...I'm not sure of how to do it. I mean...I don't want him to...feel pressured, or believe he has to do anything. He...has problems to say it when he doesn't want something. And I really am okay if he doesn't want to change anything. I'd prefer it, but..." It was confusing. He frowned. "We are...more than friends. We take care of each other, we are....family. If he is physically attracted to me or not is not...that important"

 

"Maybe mention you were thinking about it but then give him time to think it over. He will have to think about for himself then. And make sure to mention you don't mind either way or he will feel pressured." Molly said slowly. "He's a tricky case."

 

Tricky indeed. And there was Sherlock to think about. Something was clearly wrong, if he had gone to Jim's mother for comfort. And he might...not like it. He might be jealous. "Maybe....is not worth it. I mean....I want things to change, but I am happy now. I don't want to...ruin it. You know about these things. Should I say anything?"

 

"The worst that could happen is that John says no." She shrugged. "If you want it, go for it."

 

Jim nodded again. What if things got uncomfortable between them? What if John said no, and wasn't comfortable hugging him or sharing a bed? What if John said yes and Sherlock wasn't okay with it? What if....He closed his eyes, and tried to ignore the possibilities.

 

"Stop thinking so hard, you'll get a headache. Just let things happen. Relax."

"I'm trying", he replied honestly.

 

“I know, Jim. Just.....trust them. They both care a lot about you. And...didn’t you have a rule about not lying to each other? Sherlock told me about that. So...talk with them, and....decide it together?”

 

It was a good advice. Jim thanked her, and ended the call just as John walked out of the building, looking shaken and tired.

Jim studied John's face carefully, but he couldn't read John.. He walked closer, and, silently, took his hand.

 

John gave Jim's hand a light squeeze but didn't speak, letting Jim guide him back to the car. He didn't let John's hand go, and didn't ask any questions. Once in the car, he closed the door behind him. "Can you take us to Sherlock's? I have a key", he said softly. John seemed to need some time to think. And so did Jim. He handed Charlie his phone, and squeezed John’s hand.

 

Charlie nodded, frowning in concern as he pulled away from the sidewalk. "Sure." he replied.

 

Jim wanted to reassure Charlie, to tell him that he'll take care of John and made sure he was okay. But he didn't want to do it in front of John, and Charlie already knew. So he didn't say anything. He knew how it was. Therapy could leave you needing silence and time to think about it. He wasn't going to overwhelm John with questions or words. But he kept holding his hand.

 

John put his head on Jim's shoulder and closed his eyes, exhausted. Slowly he dozed off a bit, and Jim smiled. That conversation would have to wait a bit. John was exhausted.

 

Charlie looked at them through the mirror as they headed to Sherlock’s house. "Look after him, Jim. I know I don't have to ask you to but.. Please look after him."

 

"Always", he replied. "I promise. And...if I can't...keep him safe, I'll call you"

"Thank you." Charlie sighed. "And don't let him get stressed this weekend."

 

"I'll try. And...I won't leave him alone", he replied. Maybe he shouldn't say anything to John, for now. No. He was being a coward.

"Thank you." Charlie sighed in relief, watching John as he drove. "He's a good kid. I'm glad he has you."

 

John was too good for him. No. No, he had to stop thinking like that. John had kept him sane in the centre, he’d got him out of there, he.....he gave him the chance to be with Sherlock. Jim owed him....everything. And them Jim thought about how much he had hurt John. And how John had forgiven him. How he had let him become a part of that relationship, how he had allowed him to be with Sherlock. He had visited him, had made them move him to another room, and had got him out of there. What had he done for John? 

 

"He'll be fine", he whispered, looking at John.

 

None of them spoke again until they arrived to Sherlock's.


	117. Chapter 117

Jim looked at John. He was sleeping peacefully on his shoulder. Waking him up felt wrong, but they couldn’t stay in the car forever. And Jim wanted to see Sherlock.

"John? Come, let's go inside", he said softly.

John stirred and nodded sleepily. "Bye Charlie." he mumbled, getting out of the car.

Jim took John's bag and got out of the car. He knew there were cameras here, and that somebody would probably phone Sherlock. He decided to worry about that later, and opened the door. John followed him into the house, taking his bag from him with a small sigh and dropped it at the foot of the stairs, stretching his back.

"Do you need....some sleep? Sherlock's not home yet", Jim said, hoping that he’d arrive soon. Being alone with John here was a bit weird.

John shook his head. "I think I'll just make some tea." He replied quietly. "Do you want some?"

"I...I think we should....talk, before Sherlock comes. But...only if you want to", he said, feeling awkward. Maybe he had got this wrong, after all. And....why risk what he already had? What if....No. He’d worry about that later.

John frowned slightly but nodded. "Okay.. What about?"

Clearly it hadn't meant the same for John. Okay. Nothing to talk about, then. He tried to ignore or even think about how that made him feel. "I..." He needed something to say. Anything. "What are we...going to tell Sherlock, for instance", he said finally.

John studied Jim for a moment, his frown deepening. "That's not what you wanted to talk about." He said quietly 

"N...no", Jim replied. How was he supposed to do this? And when had John learned to read him like this? "I...there's something I....I wanted to ask you, I...." He stopped, and took a deep breath. "I'm...okay with any answer, and...you don't have to answer right now, or at all. I m...mean...." He closed his eyes for a second, trying to calm down. Why was this so difficult?

John stepped closer and took Jim's hand. "You can ask me anything, you know that." He whispered, worried.

Jim looked him in the eyes, and only found honesty and worry. It made him feel much better. "Nothing has to change, between us. I'm happy the way things are. But...I'd like to try...more. If you want to. And if Sherlock is okay with it.", he said softly.

A small blush formed on John’s cheeks as he nodded slowly. "Can I.. Can I think about it?" He asked quietly, a bit unsure.

"Yes, of course", he said, smiling. Because John’s words said maybe, but his body language said yes. "And I mean it, it's fine if you don't want to. Or if you decide to try and then change your mind. Take all the time you need", he added, just in case he’d read this the wrong way.

John nodded, echoing Jim's smile. "Thank you." He kissed Jim's cheek sweetly.

Jim took his hand, and walked to the kitchen. "We have to talk about Sherlock. He'll notice your bandages. I can talk to him, if you want. If I told him not to ask questions, he won’t”, he asked. Because planning for that was easier than planning how to tell Sherlock what had happened between them. Or what they wanted to happen.

"He won't notice if I keep my sleeves down." John sighed, following him into the kitchen. "Maybe I should just tell him. It would be easier and would make more sense."

"If you're ready to do it, of course. I was just trying to...give you more time. And....there's something...wrong, with Sherlock". He added, remembering the image of Sherlock with his mother.

John leaned against the counter. "If it happens while we're here and I haven't told him, he'll be hurt." He sighed. "What's wrong with him?"

"I...don't know. He was...at my house. asleep, close to my mother. And he had been crying"

John’s eyes widened. "That’s...unusual".

He nodded. "He'll come soon. I hope. I....I have a present for him. And for you. Maybe it will help"

"A present?" John asked, surprised.

"it's nothing", he replied, opening his bag and giving him one of the framed photos. "I....I thought it would help him, if he feels lonely at night. And then I made another one for me, and for you"

John looked at it, taking the frame, smiling widely. “Thank you." He whispered.

He smiled at John's reaction. "I talked with Charlie, before, and he gave me an idea. There's something I want to do for my birthday, and I need your help"

"What can I do?"

"I want to...burn all the articles, and the files. The test results. Everything. I....I kept copies of everything. Charlie things it might help me to....realise that it's over. But I don't know if....I can do it"

"You want me to burn them for you?"

Jim shook his head. "I want you there. And Sherlock. I want you to help me if I can't do it", he replied. "I know it's silly. There are digital copies in several places. But...maybe Charlie was right and it will help"

"We'll be there for you." John assured with a nod. "And it will help."

"Thank you", Jim replies with a shy smile

"Anytime."

"Let's do...something. I need to...focus on something...happening now", Jim said, taking a deep breath. Something normal to keep his mind busy.

"Ok, um, like what?"

Dinner? No, too soon for that. Study? No, that wasn't distracting enough. "We could....move another bed to Sherlock's room, so nobody has to sleep alone tonight", he proposed, carefully. "If...unless...you want to be alone with him tonight. Which I'd understand, of course."

"I know it sounds bad but I.. I'd actually like to sleep by myself tonight." John replied nervously, biting his lip.

He frowned. "I don't want you to be alone. And...I'm not sure how...Sherlock will....react to me, now. " He stopped, realising that he was probably creating a problem where there was none. "Okay, We....we'll think about that later. What do you want to do? We can....watch a film, if you want. Or....play something". Maybe coming here had been a bad idea. Suddenly Charlie's house and his room with John felt much safer. What was wrong with him? 

John worried at his lip for a moment. "I could call Sherlock and see what the story is? He doesn't know we know where he is."

Jim hesitated. Sherlock had been asleep, and looked exhausted. But Jim needed to know. "Okay. Do it", he replied. 

John nodded and took out his phone, dialling Sherlock's number with a small sigh. Jim took John's hand silently, and hoped everything was okay

John gave JIm's hand a small squeeze. "Hi, Sherlock. Um.. Jim and I are at your house and we're just wondering where you are?...Yes we're both fine. Just worried about you, really" John sighed, frowning in concern at Sherlock's voice."Okay.. And Sherlock? Are you okay?....That's not what I asked..... Hurry over. We're both here."

John sighed and looked at Jim. "He's on his way."

Jim squeezed his hand. "And not feeling good. Okay. We....We'll deal with it"

John nodded. "He said he needs to get used to being alone again."

Jim felt guilty. He had left Sherlock alone. Sherlock needed him, and he had left him alone. And then he remembered Charlie's words. He could ask for help "I...don't know how to fix this.", he admitted.

"That's okay.. We'll work it out together." John assured, squeezing Jim's hand.

"It felt good, talking with Charlie. Not having to take care of everything on my own. Together....sounds good"

"Charlie's good like that." John agreed. "Together. it'll be okay."

Jim nodded. "Are you alright? I didn't ask, before. No need for details, just tell me if it helped"

"I think so." John sighed. "I should. She said I should try it for eight weeks and then decide if anything changes. "

"That sounds good. She's letting you decide, and giving you a date to do it.", he replied. John had tensed at the question. Maybe he should talk about something else. "Come, let's make tea. Sherlock will like it"

So they went to the kitchen, and John made tea. Jim sat down, and tried not to think about the situation. Only….it was getting more difficult. He had left Sherlock alone. But no. It had been Sherlock who had left. He hadn't been there when Jim had woken up. Why hadn’t he been there? And why....?

John grimaced, watching Jim for a moment. "Stop blaming yourself. It's my fault this happened."

Jim had no idea of how to stop feeling like this. "And how exactly is any better that you blame yourself?” he asked

"Because it's actually my fault. Not yours."

"Oh, shut up, John. You're smarter than that", he replied, looking at him. "I know it's not my fault, or yours. And you know it too"

"Who's fault is it then?" John asked, cocking a brow.

"No one’s. We....we do what we can. It's the only thing we can do. This whole situation....yours, mine, even Sherlock's...Honestly, given the circumstances, we're doing great"

John sighed and nodded reluctantly. "I guess you're right."

"Of course. I'm always right. And we're amazing", he said with a tiny smile. A bit forced, but not fake.

John chuckled, smiling weakly. "We are."

Jim relaxed slightly, but in that moment he heard the door and tensed again. Sherlock was home. 

Time to talk.


	118. Chapter 118

The kettle boiled just then and he poured water into the cups, his hands shaking a little. Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? This wasn't normal. It was Sherlock. "John? I...I'm nervous", Jim whispered.

John sighed. "So am I." He admitted softly, stirring the tea.

Jim stood and walked close to John. "We can go. If you need it, we can go back to Charlie's", he whispered. John looked more than nervous, he looked on the verge of panicking.

John shook his head. "No. I'll be fine." He assured, though his voice shook a little. Jim swallowed dryly, holding onto the edge of the counter for a moment before he turned to look at Sherlock, who had just entered the kitchen. Sherlock looked...exhausted. Almost ill. 

"Sherlock." John whispered.

Sherlock walked to them, slowly. "I....I'm sorry", he whispered

Jim stared at him, unsure, and then glanced at John. "Sherlock....when was the last time you ate?"

"I...I d...don't know"

Something to do. Right. Sherlock needed food, and rest. They could talk later. "I'll make something." Jim told Sherlock, going to the fridge, squeezing Sherlock's hand as he passed. "Sit and drink your tea."

"I...I'm sorry I shouted at you yesterday", Sherlock muttered, sitting down next to John.

"It's okay." John shrugged. "I shouted too."

Jim glanced at them, wondering what had happened. He....sort of remembered Sherlock and John shouting at each other, but the medication made everything confusing. He looked through the fridge for something to make, deciding some pasta and sauce would be fine.

"Jim, I....I should have....stayed", Sherlock whispered, unsure.

Jim took a deep breath, and took all the ingredients out of the fridge. He put everything on the counter, and, slowly, turned to look at Sherlock. "It's alright, Sherlock", he replied, trying to keep his emotions hidden.

"Liar"

Jim closed his eyes for a second. "I don't want to talk about it. I want to forget it happened and never mention it again, okay?", he said, starting to lose control.

"I...I love you"

Jim stared at Sherlock for a second, and then choked on a quiet whimper, and walked to the door. It was too much, and he didn’t want Sherlock to see him crying. He needed to be in control, to be strong. That was what Sherlock loved, wasn’t it?

"J..Jim? Don't leave, please. I...I'll fix it, okay? I won't....mention it again. Never."

Jim stopped at the door, unsure. Then, without looking at Sherlock, he went back to his chair. Because Sherlock had asked, and Jim couldn’t deny him anything. So he breathed deeply, and tried to stay calm.

John watched them, biting his lip nervously. He set the pasta in the boiling pot and started on the sauce. "How was school?" He asked Sherlock in the silence.

Jim glanced at John, glad that he was cooking. Because right now Jim’s hands were trembling slightly. And Sherlock needed food.

"I...left after lunch." Sherlock muttered. "I had a fight with Sebastian, and was sent home"

"You _what_?" Jim replied, looking at Sherlock, confused. Definitely he had to talk with Sebastian.

"I....was angry, and....said things I shouldn't have said. I...apologized, later." Sherlock muttered

"What happened?" John asked, shocked.

Sherlock stared at the table, embarrassed. "I...was angry, and Seb...told me to calm down, and to eat, and I....I don't know what happened to me, i....I told him to stop pretending to be Jim, and he....got angry, too, and said....something about Molly, and....we....we've been...expelled two days, for fighting. Later, he....apologized, and I did it, too"

John sighed, rubbing his face. "Why were you so angry?"

"I...I don't know. It was...a long night, I...couldn't sleep, and...then I went to school, and everybody was... _normal_. And I thought...it wasn't fair. That...everything was normal, that other people were happy, and...." He shook his head. "I don't know"

John nodded with a small sigh, focusing on the sauce again. "I get it."

Jim hesitated. He was still nervous, and everything was happening too fast, but he needed to understand what had happened, because Sherlock wasn’t okay, and, somehow, this was his fault.

"Sherlock? Give me my phone", Jim said softly.

Sherlock took it and put it on the table.

Jim took it. He had to call Sebastian. He had asked Sebastian to take care of Sherlock. And they had...had a fight. Wait. A _fight_. With _Sebastian_. "Sherlock? Are you hurt?", he asked, worried.

"Nothing serious. Bruises. It'll heal", Sherlock muttered.

"John? Have a look at it, will you? I'm going to call Seb"

"I'm fine", Sherlock protested.

"Liar"

Jim couldn’t help a tiny smile at that, because maybe Sherlock and him were more similar than he’d thought. He went to the other room, and called Sebastian.

After talking for a while, and assuring Sebastian that he was okay, Jim asked him what had happened. When Sebastian explained it, it didn’t make any sense. But Seb wouldn’t lie to him. He talked a bit more with Sebastian, and then went back to the kitchen.

Sherlock was sitting on a chair with his shirt opened, and his ribs and stomach were badly bruised. John was applying a cream gently.

"I'm sorry", he repeated. "I...it was my fault", Sherlock muttered

Jim took a deep breath, and walked closer. "Sherlock? Can you please explain me why did you tell Seb that Molly was with him only because she couldn't be with me?", he asked, trying to stay in control. "What exactly were you trying to achieve?"

"I....I don't....I...."

John froze in what he was doing and rose his gaze to stare at Sherlock in shock. "You _what_?" He demanded, horrified.

"You wanted this to happen, didn't you?", Jim asked, because, even if it didn’t make sense, it was the only explanation he could find. Sherlock knew that those words would do to Sebastian.

"Jim, please, I...."

"Take off your shirt. Let me see your arms". Because why else would Sherlock still have his shirt on?

"Jim..."

"Now, Sherlock"

Sherlock closed his eyes. "I _didn't_. I wanted to, but I didn't. But Seb...I knew he wouldn't hurt me, not really, and..." Slowly, he took off his shirt, and let Jim see his arms, totally covered in drawings. No cuts. Well, that was something.

Jim took a deep breath, and looked at John. What were they supposed to do now?

John breathed deeply and rose to his feet, going back over to the sink to wash his hands. Silently he served out the food. "We're going to eat and then we are going to talk about this properly." He said firmly, leaving no room for argument. "We will all eat and then discuss this calmly. I don't care how long it takes."

"I'm sorry", Sherlock repeated. "I...."

"Food first, Sherlock. And get dressed", Jim said, because John was right.

Sherlock nodded, and put his shirt on.

John served Sherlock a larger portion, knowing he hadn't eaten in two days by this stage. He gave himself a small portion and Jim a normal sized one. He brought them to the table and gave out forks.

Jim ate silently, glancing at Sherlock and John every now and then. He had wanted a quiet weekend with them, to help him feel safe again. But, like always, things were complicated. And Sherlock was so tense. Almost as if he was scared of them. It felt....wrong. John looked nervous. When they had eaten about half of what there was on their plates, it was evident that none of them would eat anything else. Jim got up and took the plates to the sink. Then he sat again. "Okay. I think we need a few rules for this. First...nobody leaves until the conversation is over. Second...no lies, but also no...forcing anybody to talk. And third...." He looked at them, hesitant. "We still love each other. Nothing changes that. Okay? Anything else?"

"Can we...do this in my room?"

John shook his head. "Here." he replied slowly. Jim frowned. Sherlock would clearly feel safer in the bedroom, but John looked even more nervous now.

"Here", Sherlock repeated. "Okay. So...how do we...do this?"

 

"What about....taking turns? Each of us explains briefly what do we think the problem is. Briefly. And...nobody talks until we all have finished. How does it sound?”, Jim suggested.

Sherlock nodded. "We could try"

John nodded too. "Works for me. Who goes first?"

Jim looked at them. Sherlock was a mess. John was still shaken from therapy. "I'll go first", he said, as calm as he could. He looked at the table, avoiding their eyes. What was the problem. What was wrong. So many things. He looked at them, and took a deep breath. They could solve this, couldn’t they? Letting them know was....difficult. But he trusted them. He looked at the table, because talking was easier without seeing their eyes.

"That place messed with my mind. I...everything I spent years trying to forget...came back, and I can't feel safe. I..." Even without looking at them, he could feel them staring. He closed his eyes. Better. "I hate that you know what happened. I'm afraid of you treating me different, of you looking at me different. I...I woke up, and Sherlock...wasn't there, and..." He took another deep breath, and tried to stay calm. The kiss. He hesitated, and decided not to say anything about the kiss. That wasn't a problem. At least not for him. "I'm tired of....always having to be strong. I don't know how long I can keep doing it", he added. He opened his eyes, and didn't look at them. "Sorry if...that didn't make a lot of sense. Sherlock? Your turn"

Sherlock bit his lip, and closed his eyes like Jim had done. "I...I miss you. Both of you. At night, I miss you so much that it hurts. I...I know I have to be stronger, I know I have to get used to it. But it's....hard. I feel useless. I can't help you. I hate that you were hurt, and i can't do anything to help. Sometimes I think that you would be better without me. Neither of you need me, not really. You need each other, not me." Sherlock paused, and opened his eyes. "John?"

John took a shaky breath and looked down at his lap. "I'm scared. Really damn scared.. I. .. I can't even control it anymore and I'm not good enough for either of you.. I can barely stand to do anything but sit and do nothing because everything else feels like a failure... I can't be the person you need me to be because I don't even know who I am." He finished.

"What....what do we do now?", whispered Sherlock.

Like always, it was up to him. Jim closed his eyes again for a second. They needed him. "I....I don't agree with some things you said. Maybe....we can...talk about it"

"That works.. I'll go first this time." John offered, knowing Jim was feeling the strain. "Sherlock, you're not useless. Not at all. You don't know how much I need you, at all. You can't change what happened but you make it easier to try me get over. And Jim...you don't have to be strong all if the time. It's wearing you out and it's becoming worrying. We all need to be strong, but it's you who ends up being that person. It doesn't need to be like that."

After about a minute of silence, Sherlock looked at them. "John, you...you're the bravest person I know. You...you went back home, you faced Greg. You...you...when I met you, I was so tired of everything. I was...about to give up. And you made me keep fighting. And Jim...I don't care what other people did to you. I only wish I could help you more. But...it doesn't matter. I promise. When John wasn't here, you....I was horrible to you, and you....stayed, and loved me."

Jim glanced at Sherlock, and regretted it as soon as he saw his face. He blinked, fighting the tears, and stared at the table. "I didn't know people could be....nice to each other without....anything in exchange. John, you...taught me that. You showed me how to love. You gave me Sherlock, and yourself. If you're not good enough, then nobody is. And Sherlock...I love you. I need you. You...you knew how I was, and you loved me, you accepted me. You're strong. Loving me is...difficult. Loving both of us, being there for us....you're incredibly strong"

John fell silent for a few moments. "I think we need to write these down, so when one of us feels bad, they can read it and know they are...worth something."

Jim looked at him, and nodded. "That's...a good idea"

Sherlock nodded. "I...I'll come back in a minute", he said, walking upstairs.

Jim kept looking at John. "I didn't mention the kiss, because it isn't a problem. We're fine, no matter what you decide", he said in a whisper. "And...thank you for....what you said"

John smiled weakly. "I don't think it's a problem either." he sighed softly. "And what I said was all true." he extended his hand to place it over Jim's.

Jim smiled back, feeling much better.

Sherlock went back to the kitchen, and put three pens on the table. Then he put a sheet of paper in front of each of them. Then he glanced briefly at their hands before looking away."We just....write what we said, then?"

John nodded, squeezing Jim's hand before releasing it. "Yeah and anything extra you want to add but didn't think to say."

Jim took the sheet of paper in front of him, and cut it in two parts. One for each of them. Without looking up, he started to write.

After writing what he had said on the top of each one, he thought of something to add.

Sherlock was easy. He needed to be reassured, and Jim didn't need to lie for that

“Sherlock, I need you. That scares me, you have no idea of how much. You're strong enough, you're perfect just how you are. You're mine, and I'll never leave. “

John was more difficult. He read again what he had written. “I'll be here for you, no matter what. I love you”. Hesitant, he glanced at John, and crossed out the last three words. And then he hesitated again. Everything was so complicated. But...love. that was....he’d never understood it before. If Sherlock could love both of them, why couldn’t Jim? Or maybe....there were different kinds of love. He read the note again, unsure. 

Finally, he folded each paper, and waited for them to finish.


	119. Chapter 119

John wrote for a long time. He looked so sure of what he was writing, in both halves of the sheet. Jim looked at Sherlock then. He looked....nervous, and was staring at the paper. Then he wrote something very quickly, a sentence on each part. Probably the same one, although Jim couldn’t be sure. Then Sherlock handed one of them to John, and the other to him. Jim hesitated, and did the same. After a moment, John handed his out, taking the ones he was given.

 

Jim stared at the two sheets of paper in his hands, and took a deep breath. He shouldn’t be so nervous about this.

Sherlock’s first. He read the words Sherlock had told him, and then what he had added. Just one sentence: “I love you. Thank you for being there”. It was almost painful, because Jim hadn’t been here. He’d left Sherlock alone. He unfolded John’s note, and read it too. It was a bit longer: “I know you think that you're no good at relationships, but you are. You are such a huge help to me and I am grateful every day that we are friends now. Whether I choose to say yes or not, I love you and I'm not ashamed to say it”. And Jim had crossed out the words. He really wasn’t any good at this. But...he had to try to focus on the good things. He read the two notes again, and they made him feel warm inside. They cared about him, they really did. He had hurt them so much and yet....No. He wasn’t going to cry again. He breathed deeply, and didn't move or look at them. He had cried enough these days, and he wasn't sure if he could stay calm if he looked at them.

 

And then Sherlock took his hand, and, slowly, Jim looked up. Sherlock was holding John’s hand too, and he looked calmer. All these emotions....it was difficult to handle. But Sherlock was better, and that was the important part. And maybe now that John was there too, Jim could have a moment to process everything. He squeezed Sherlock's hand and let it go. "I...I'm not going away, okay? But I need...some time alone. Can I go to your room?"

Sherlock studied Jim's face, and nodded silently. And Jim realised that he had....sort of....asked for permission. That was....weird. He’d been sleeping in that room with Sherlock since John had gone back home. Almost all his things were there. And he’d said...your room. 

"There's....something for you in my bag", Jim said, standing up. He’d worry about all that later. "Stop looking at me like that, I....I'll be fine", he added.

"I um.. Would it be okay if I went out for a smoke?" John asked a bit nervously.

"Y...yes", Sherlock replied.

Jim stopped at the door. He had promised Charlie to make sure John was alright, and not lo leave him alone. And Sherlock clearly needed some company right now. "Will you....stay where Sherlock can see you?", he asked in a whisper. He really needed some time alone to make sense of all the changes.

 

John nodded, biting his lip. "Sure." he assured with a sigh, going to his back to get his lighter and pack of cigarettes.

"No questions, Sherlock. Just...trust me, and keep an eye on John", Jim said softly.

Sherlock nodded, and went to sit by the window. He could see John from there

 

Jim waited for another moment, to make sure they were okay. Then he went upstairs. Everything was too much. He went to Sherlock's room and closed the door behind him. Then he curled in Sherlock's bed, and cried. He had no idea of why he was crying, but he couldn't help it. And he didn’t want them to see him like this.

 

Jim cried until he was out of tears. Then he felt cold, and put the blankets over himself. They smelt faintly of Sherlock’s shampoo, and that made him feel a bit better.

 

He had no idea of how much time had passed, when he heard a soft knock at the door. "Come in", he said without moving. He felt too tired for that.

 

John walked in slowly, closing the door behind him. "How're you feeling?" He asked softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"John", he whispered, "I....I don't know. Numb. Tired". And for some reason he’d been expecting Sherlock. John moved the blankets a little so he could stroke Jim's hair soothingly. "Can I help in any way?" He whispered.

 

"No idea. I've never felt this way before", he whispered. Slowly, he moved the blanket so he could look at John. He’d been crying too.

 

John bit his lip, still stroking Jim's hair gently. "What if I held you?"

 

The hand on his head felt good. "Try?", he replied, unsure

 

He nodded and moved to scoot under the blankets with Jim, gathering him into his arms, tucking Jim's head under his chin.

John was warm and comforting. Jim closed his eyes. The bed smelt like Sherlock, and John was holding him, and for a second, everything felt right. Slowly, he relaxed between John's arms.

 

"Better?" John whispered.

 

"Yes. I....i don't know what happened to me", he replied.

 

"You're exhausted, physically and emotionally. You need to catch up on your rest and take things easy."

 

"Being here is...harder than I expected", Jim whispered. "Usually, Sherlock kisses me as soon as we're home. But...he hasn't done it today. He hasn't even touched me." He wasn’t here now. He hadn’t been there when he’d woken up.

 

"He wants to. He's just scared." John sighed. "And he held your hand earlier."

 

"He's scared, yes. Because...he knows what happened to me. Because he saw me...weak, and hurt. And now he looks at me differently, and is scared of hurting me. Because he sees me as a victim”

 

"He doesn't look at you differently. He just doesn't want to make things worse by doing something without asking. Like with me."

"He doesn't have to ask. We had rules, and...it was working. I don't want it to change. He knows what he can do and what he can't, I told him and we made rules. I don't want it to change", Jim whispered, closing his eyes again.

 

"Then tell him that." John replied, stroking Jim's hair again.

 

"Oh, yes. Please stop treating me like if i was going to break. That, after I've spent about an hour crying in his bed. Yes, very convincing", he said bitterly. Wait. What was he doing? This wasn't John's fault. "Sorry, it's just....that i feel like if I was about to break. I just want everything to go back to how it was before....that place"

 

John held Jim a bit tighter. "It's okay. It's not going to be the same right away, it never works like that. But soon, it will be okay."

"You promise?", he asked, hating the fact that he needed the reassurance.

 

"I promise. It always gets better, remember?"

 

He laughed and cried at the same time. "Yes. I told you that", he said. Then he heard another knock at the door, and heard Sherlock’s voice.

"Everything okay?"

Jim tensed, and, unconsciously, moved closer to John.

 

John wiped away the tears gently. "Everything is okay." he called back. "Be out in a minute." he looked down at Jim. "You don't have to be scared”.

 

"I'll be downstairs", Sherlock replied without opening the door.

 

"I know", Jim replied. "That's the worst part. That I know , it's irrational, but I can't stop feeling it. I...I'll be fine. I just need....time, as you said"

 

"Right. Plus its just us three. Nobody will hurt you. "

 

"When did you get this clever?", Jim asked, smiling weakly. "Okay. Let's go and meet our stubborn boyfriend"

 

John laughed quietly. "Let's go." he rose carefully.

 

He was nervous. Why was he so nervous? It was Sherlock. He sat on the bed, slowly. Getting up was difficult, but he did it anyway.

John took Jim's hands and stood there with him for a moment, to let him prepare. He looked at John, grateful. "I can do this. Only...Sherlock would be able to tell that I've been crying, and I...don't want him to know"

John wiped Jim's cheeks. "Let's get you cleaned up then." he still held his hand and led him to the bathroom.

 

He followed John without saying anything. It felt good not having to make decisions. It felt even better to have somebody to take care of him.

John got a cloth and dampened it before patting Jim's face clean himself. Nobody had done anything like this for him before. It felt...really nice. He closed his eyes, and tried to remember the last time he had felt good. To his surprise, the memory that came to his mind was John's kiss. He focused on the emotions: safety, trust, happiness. He kept them in his mind, and, slowly, was able to transmit them to his facial expression and body language.

 

Suddenly, John kissed his cheek, and Jim opened his eyes and looked at the strange in the mirror. Has he really changed that much? He looked away, and took John's hand. "Let's go"

He walked besides John, feeling confused. He loved Sherlock. But part of him didn't want to go downstairs and face him, face all the drama and explanations, and the way Sherlock looked at him and saw everything. That part of him wanted to go back to the room and let John hold him under the sheets, and feel safe.

 

They walked into the kitchen. John entered the room ahead of him, and Jim used that moment to study the room. Sherlock had found the picture, and it was on the table now. They looked so happy. He took a deep breath, forced a smile and looked at Sherlock.

 

"I think you two need to talk." John said, squeezing Jim's hand and giving Sherlock a look.

 

Jim held John's hand tighter. Why was this so difficult? It was Sherlock. Three nights ago they had slept in the same bed, skin against skin. And now....


	120. Chapter 120

Sherlock looked at him nervously. "I shouldn't have left yesterday. I'm sorry", he whispered. "I....I was scared of...making things worse, and..." Sherlock closed his eyes for a second. "It was...too much. I'm sorry"

"It's alright", Jim lied. "You...you're here now. It will be fine", he added, hoping that that part was true.

"Jim." John said seemingly, having heard the lie. "No lies."

John knew him too much. With those words, something broke inside him. The masks, the fake calm...it didn't work anymore. He closed his eyes, and focused on John's hand. "I woke up, and you weren't there. John told me that...you knew. I thought you didn't want me anymore. And today...you always kiss me as soon as we're home. Always. Today, you....you haven't even touched me", he whispered, barely audible.

"Jim...God, I....I didn't...I want to, I just....didn't want to hurt you"

He fought the tears. He wasn't going to cry. He was pathetic enough like this. He was a victim, for Sherlock. He would never see him in the same way. And then he felt Sherlock's arms around him, and his lips on his, and there was no pity in the kiss, there was nothing different, apart from the way he was almost crushing John's hand. 

After the kiss, Sherlock kept hugging him. Slowly, Jim relaxed against his chest. He let John's hand go, hoping that he hadn't hurt him. And then he noticed Sherlock tensing, and remembered the bruises. He moved away. Things didn't feel the same as before, but he felt better. Maybe John was right. He just needed time. And something to do, in order to keep his mind busy. 

Jim glanced at John, and smiled. "Okay. Enough talk for today." He looked at Sherlock. "Now that John is here, will you play that song for us?" He turned to John. "He's been composing something, but he refused to play it until you were here too."

"Because it's for both of you." Sherlock replied.

John perked up at that. "I definitely want to hear it now."

"B....but it's not finished!"

"Sherlock, just....show us what you have."

Sherlock nodded, and went upstairs to take his violín.

John looked at Jim. "Feeling better?"

He nodded. "Thank you. Did I...hurt you?"

"I'm fine, don't worry."

"Come, Let's sit down", Jim said after a moment. John nodded and followed him to the table, yawning. 

Sherlock came back with his violin, looking as unsure as he always was when he played something new. He looked at them, and closed his eyes. Then he took his violin from its case. He tensed the bow, and, slowly, he started to play. He looked a bit uncomfortable, but not in pain. And, like always, after a moment he lost himself in the music.

Jim listened to the music, and observed Sherlock's face as he played. So many emotions were on it. He couldn't even start to read them. And the music was...strangely beautiful. It was....two songs mixed together. One of them, he’d heard before. It was the one Sherlock played when Jim had nightmares. It was reassuring and calm. Comforting. The other one was...different. More subtle, darker, and a bit strange. Those two melodies shouldn't sound good together, but they did. Mostly. Some parts sounded a bit forced.

Sherlock kept playing for a while, and, when he finished, he put his violin on its case again and looked at them, looking vulnerable. John rose and walked towards him, pulling him close to kiss him. "That was beautiful." he whispered. “That was....the song you composed for me. With....something else. It sounds even better.”

Jim was shocked. Sherlock had never played like this in front of him. "Beautiful", he repeated.

Sherlock blushed, and smiled. "It's not finished yet"

"It's still amazing."

"Jim was always talking about...balance, so I tried to put that into music. Balance between..." He stopped, unsure. "I need to work on it a bit more"

John nodded. "You'll get there in the end."

Sherlock nodded, smiling, and took John's hand. Then he sat besides Jim. "Come. Sit down", he said, still smiling.

John nodded again and sat too, lacing their fingers together, worrying at his lip.

Sherlock took Jim's hand too, and closed his eyes. "Thank you for coming back", he whispered.

Jim felt much calmer. Maybe it was the music. Or the way Sherlock's kiss had felt. Silently, he rested his head on Sherlock's shoulder.

"John?", Sherlock asked without opening his eyes or moving. "Did you ask Jim about tomorrow?"

"Hm? Oh, no I didn't get a chance. Jim? We were thinking of going to the beach tomorrow. What do you think?"

"W....What?", Jim replied, staring at John. "I...I've never...." The calm left him again. Relax. "I don't know. Do you want to?" The beach. That meant other people seeing his skin. Other people knowing, and staring at him. 

John looked away from the window to Jim. "There's no pressure to go. Its all the same. I don't mind either way." 

"You've never gone to the beach?"Sherlock asked, looking at Jim.

Jim shook his head.

"Then we'll go. It's....somewhere private. I used to go as a child. Nobody else goes there"

Jim nodded, unsure. He couldn’t deny anything to Sherlock. And right now, he knew that staying in the house wouldn’t help. They needed to go out, and have some fun. He glanced at the picture again. That had been fun. Maybe...this would be, too.   
John offered Jim his free hand. "It'll be alright."

"Of course it will", Jim replied. Maybe if he said it enough times he'd convince himself. "I....I don't have anything. What do we need?"

"It'll be warm, really warm, tomorrow so.. Sunblock, towels, t-shirt, shorts?" He shrugged, biting his lip. 

"I don't....have any of that", Jim repeated. Shorts. T-shirt. He took John's hand, and it made him feel a bit better.

"I know there's some at Charlie's house if there's none here." He assured.

"There are. My mother...took me there two years ago, when I....stopped", Sherlock whispered. "Something will fit you. And if mine doesn't, then Mycroft's. We can....have a look, if you want"

"We'll wait until later, no rush." He was comfortable right now. Tomorrow was going to be....difficult. So many things could go wrong. And....John had just seen his arm. Even if there was no other people there.....what if.... "Can we....do something? Anything. I need....to do something", he said nervously. 

Sherlock looked at him, surprised. "Y....yes, of course. What do you want to do?"

Jim shook his head. Being busy stopped him thinking. It didn't matter what he was doing. But he didn't know how to explain that to Sherlock. 

"Jim?" Sherlock asked, worried.

"Anything." John spoke up. "We should play videogames again. That was fun."

"Yes. Yes, that's a good idea.", Jim said, a bit too fast.

John nodded quickly. "I'll go set it up." John let go of their hands to head upstairs ahead of them to the room they'd been in last time.

"Good. Come, Sherlock", Jim said, getting up and taking Sherlock's hands.

Sherlock held Jim's hand, worried. "We don't have to go, if you don't want." he whispered, walking slowly.

Jim stopped at the door, and turned to look at him. John would probably hear, but he didn't mind. "Sherlock....I'm tired of feeling....limited. Of being unable to do normal things because of what happened so many years ago. Going to the beach, wearing short sleeves....those are normal things. I want to be able to do them. It's difficult. But I want to try". It was terrifying, but he had to stop being scared of normal things. 

Instead of answering, Sherlock kissed him softly. Then he took his hand again and they walked inside the room, where John had already set up the gaming station.


	121. Chapter 121

Sherlock looked at them silently for a moment, and then he sat on the couch. “What if we make it more interesting, and we...bet?"

Jim glanced at John, unsure. Then he smiled, and sat besides Sherlock. "Bet what?", he asked, cautious.   
"mmmm.....what about....kisses?"

John snorted. "Alright.. terms?"

"We take turns. Three games each time. The winner keeps playing, and gets a kiss from the loser", Sherlock proposed.

Jim hesitated. Maybe Sherlock didn't realise what that meant. He studied Sherlock’s face. Maybe...he knew. Oh, who was he trying to fool? It was Sherlock. Of course he knew. What was he trying to achieve?"Fine." he said finally.

John rose a brow but nodded. "Who plays first?"

"Wait. There should be a dice somewhere", Sherlock replied, looking for it. "Higher number", he said, rolling the dice. Four. He handed it to John  
John rolled the dice. Five. "Guess I'm playing either way." He shrugged, passing it on to Jim.

Jim took the dice, and looked at Sherlock again. He remembered how he had reacted when he had seen him kissing John. Sherlock couldn't be doing this on purpose. This made no sense. He rolled the dice. Five.

Sherlock cleared his throat and passed Jim a controller. "That's settled then."

Jim took it and glanced at Sherlock nervously. But he didn't look worried. "What game did you choose?", he asked, hoping that it was something easy. He’d played a couple of times with Sherlock, but he’d never played before that. And the game had been something silly about battles with worms. 

"Um, I didn't really look. I think it was the same as last time though."

Jim remembered the controls. He could win. And then...No. Focus on the game. John sat cross legged on the floor as Jim started the game and he focused wholly on the game as they played

Jim was distracted, but John was even more. He won, but it was close.

John wet his lips nervously, glancing at Sherlock. He turned to face Jim, raising a brow, though his nervousness shone through.

Jim looked back and John, unsure, and shrugged. He didn't know either. But this has been Sherlock's idea. He started a new game. If he won again...the best of three games. If he won again, then John would lose and had to kiss him. He needed more time, so he didn't try so hard this time and John ended up winning. One more game. 

"Last one." John said softly.

"Last one", he repeated, looking at Sherlock again. He looked calm. Right. He dried his hands on his trousers, and started the last game.He played to win, because the winner would play against Sherlock next, and by kissing Sherlock he'd know if something was wrong. And John was as nervous as he was, and not really trying, so he won again.

Jim glanced at Sherlock, who was looking at him with the hint of a smile. What? What was that? Then his eyes met John's, and he licked his lips nervously.

John sighed and shuffled closer to Jim, kissing him quickly. 

Jim knew he was blushing. He could feel his cheeks hot. He glanced at Sherlock again, unsure. "Your turn", he muttered, as John handed Sherlock the controller. 

"Oh, stop acting as if you've never done it before", Sherlock said, starting another game.

John shook his head. "Hush, you."

Sherlock smiled, and focused on the game.

Jim was nervous, and lost two games in a row. Silently, he kissed Sherlock, and handed John the controller. The kiss hadn't felt wrong. It seemed that things were...fine. He watched them play, and tried to make sense of what was happening. 

John looked nervous, and Sherlock beat him quickly. "You too? Come on, calm down. You're not even trying", Sherlock said with a smile.

John pouted childishly. "You just want to see us all snog." he pointed out, starting a new game.

"Maybe", Sherlock said with a smile. 

John laughed quietly and actually tried this time, winning the second game.

"That's better", Sherlock said with a smile, starting the third game.

John grinned and focused properly. It was close but he won by a hair.

Still smiling, Sherlock kissed John. Then he handed Jim the controller. Jim took it, hesitant, and glanced at John, who was smiling at him. John didn't smile much. Specially in that way. They had been too tense lately. Sherlock was okay with this, and...it was fun. He smiled back, and took the controller.

The game took longer, and Jim started to enjoy it. He lost, but he didn't mind. Still smiling, he started another game, and won it. 

"Last one", Jim said. But this time it sounded like a challenge, and he was still smiling. He started the game, and focused on it. He won. John kissed Jim without complaint, and smiled. "Good game."

Jim nodded, still smiling. "It was fun"

 

John nodded and gave Sherlock his controller.   
Once more, it was close. But John's kiss had distracted him, and he lost the first game. He managed to win the second, but only by chance, and he lost the third one. He handed the controller to John, and looked at Sherlock. He had to find out what Sherlock wanted. He could ask, but he could also try something different and see what happened. So kissed Sherlock, but not in the chaste way he had done before. Not for long either. "Happy?", he whispered in his ear. 

"Very", Sherlock replied. "Ready, John?"

Jim watched them play, and he realised that they were having fun. He liked this. No pressure, no consequences. Only...having fun. He considered for a second telling them that they could stop if they wanted, but dismissed the idea: they already knew it, and...it would make them think too much. Sherlock lost two games, and he and John kissed in the exact same way Jim had kissed Sherlock before. Which was what Jim had tried to do. Wasn't it? Then Sherlock gave him the controller, and Jim realised that now he and John would kiss that way too, no matter who won. He glanced at Sherlock again, and then looked at the screen again and focused on the game. 

He didn't want to lose. He didn't want to make the decision of how to kiss John. He was tired of always being the one to make decisions. But John was very good, and he lost the first game. He won the second one, but just because John looked as distracted as he was. The third game took longer, both of them trying to win. But finally Jim was the one who won. 

And then John kissed him, in the same way he’d kissed Sherlock. It had no right to feel this good. To make him feel this...safe, and loved. What was Sherlock playing at? He had noticed something, of course. He always noticed. But...he seemed to be okay with it. That made Jim hope that maybe, just maybe, John would say yes.

John broke the kiss after a moment and he gave Sherlock his controller.

Jim glanced at John, and smiled. And then he tried to focus on the game. But it was a lost cause, and he lost two games in a row. He studied Sherlock's face carefully, but he still looked happy. He kissed him again, deeper that before. Then he handed the controller to John, brushing his fingers as he did it. He hadn't intended to do it, but his own hands were trembling slightly.

He observed Sherlock as he and John played. He looked....Jim had no idea. He was usually good at reading Sherlock, but right now he couldn’t. Sherlock’s cheeks were slightly red. And his body wasn’t tense. That was good, wasn’t it?

Sherlock lost, and handed Jim the controller. And then he kissed John, and it was more passionate than before. 

After they broke the kiss, Jim started a new game with John. And then he realised that he was nervous. Why was he so nervous? It made no sense. He focused on the sensation instead of on the game, and lost the first one. But it made him understood. He was nervous because, if John said no, this could be the last time he'd get to kiss him. And he wanted it to be good, to be a good memory.

Jim was so distracted that he lost the second game too. He took a deep breath, and turned to John. Charlie had told him to be selfish. So he forgot about the rules (if there were any rules. He wasn't sure, he had only followed Sherlock's lead), and kissed John. It could be the last time he had the chance, and he knew exactly how he wanted it to be. He pressed their lips together and kissed John slow and tenderly, for as long as he dared. It was enough to have both of them blushing brightly but wanting more. Then, without looking at either of them, he handed Sherlock the controller.

Sherlock glanced at each of them. Then, silently, he started a new game, and beat John easily, twice in a row. John kissed Sherlock slowly before passing his controller to Jim, purposely holding his hand for a second.

Jim's whole body reacted at the contact. He forced himself to relax, and to focus on the game. If he won, he'd get to kiss John again later. He lost the first game, and won the second and third.

Smiling, Sherlock kissed Jim tenderly, and handed John the controller.

Jim was distracted. Between Sherlock's tender kiss, and the idea of getting to kiss John again, his mind couldn't focus on the game. He lost the first game, managed somehow to win the second, and lost the third one.

Jim looked at John, unsure. It was his choice again; he had to decide how to kiss John. He forgot about the controller, and the game. He looked John in the eyes, and remembered waking up between his arms. Before he could realise what he was doing, he’d wrapped his arms around John's neck, pulled him closer, and was kissing him deep and passionately. He forgot about anything else, and lost himself in the sensations. And then realised what he had been doing, and moved away. "God, John, I....I'm sorry"

"No, no, it's okay don't be sorry. It's yes."

"Yes? Really?", Jim asked, searching John's face for signs of doubt.

"About time. Idiots", Sherlock muttered fondly.

John shot Sherlock a look before silently kissing Jim once more.

Jim didn't even hear Sherlock, just his tone of approval, which was enough for him. Yes. John had said yes. And was kissing him, and it felt as good as last time. He felt safe. And then he realised that John had always made him feel safe, since the first time Sherlock had kissed him. Some part of his brain registered Sherlock saying something about the kitchen and standing up, but right now he couldn’t focus on anything but John.

After a while, Jim stopped kissing John, feeling a bit overwhelmed, and just held him close.He smiled. "Yes. You said yes", he repeated, not quite believing it

John grinned. "I did." he sighed happily.


	122. Chapter 122

Smiling, Jim covered John’s face in kisses. "Should we....talk about it?", he asked, holding John close again.

 

John blushed at the kisses, smiling giddily. "What else is there to talk about?" he whispered.

 

"I don't know. Just checking", Jim replied, kissing the tip of his nose. "He seems to be...okay with it", he added, doing it again.

John giggled despite himself. "He does." he agreed, nuzzling their noses together.

 

"Did he say he was going to cook?" He asked, moving his head to John's neck, and taking a deep breath. John's scent made him feel safe. He didn't want to move right now to fix the disaster Sherlock was surely making in the kitchen. "We'll order a pizza", he muttered, kissing John's neck.

 

"Didn't hear him." John whispered, nuzzling into Jim's hair, and shivering a little at the kiss to his neck. "Pizza's good."

 

He noticed John's reaction, and kissed him in the same spot. They had talked about this, about John's limits, and Jim's. True, it had been them telling each other about Sherlock, but....it was enough for Jim to know what to look for, the subtle signals of tension. None. Good. "Pizza is it. Let him burn something in the kitchen", he muttered with another kiss.

 

John peppered kisses atop Jim's head and down behind his ear softly. "There's always what I made earlier." he murmured, melting into Jim as he relaxed, totally trusting him.

 

The soft kisses made Jim relax too. That, and the way John trusted him....this was perfect. Absolutely perfect. "I love you", he whispered in his ear. "You already knew, but...I'd never told you", he added, not wanting to make the same mistake he’d made with Sherlock.

 

"I love you too", John replied, kissing Jim's temple.

"I know", he whispered. "You told me, in that place. I even have it written," He hesitated, and kissed his cheek. "I wrote it, too", he added.

 

"I saw." he murmured, kissing Jim's cheek in return.

 

"I didn't want you to see it. Didn't want you to feel pressured to answer.”

"I'm glad you wrote it still. It meant a lot."

 

He pressed their foreheads together. "I should warn you against me, but...you know me better than anybody", he whispered.

 

"And you me." John murmured softly, cupping Jim's cheek.

 

He kissed him once more, softly. Maybe it was the best way of doing things. First, you get to know the other person, become friends, and then...there was no misunderstandings. "Yes. We...know each other", he repeated.

 

"Very well." John whispered, kissing Jim again.

 

He kissed him back. It was nothing like kissing Sherlock, but it felt as good as it. There wasn't the...fire, the connection, like with Sherlock. It was....different. Warm, comforting. It made him feel safe and happy. It was trust, and love.

 

They kissed for a long time, and Jim lost track of time. He felt like if he could face anything. And then he started to smell something burning in the kitchen, and laughed, without letting John go. "I told you: we'll order a pizza"

John laughed softly, pressing their foreheads together. "We better go save him before he feels put out." He mused, though he didn't move yet.

 

"In a minute", he replied, smiling. "He can wait one more minute. After all this is...because of what he did".

"Do you think he knew... before?" John asked, still smiling a little.

 

"It's Sherlock. So...probably", he said with a smile. "We should...thank him, later"

John hummed in agreement, kissing Jim's cheek. "We definitely should."

 

He didn't remember feeling this way before. So...calm, and happy. But John was right: they shouldn't leave Sherlock alone too long. He kissed him again. "We should go."

"You're right", John replied. He kissed Jim one last time before rising carefully and helping Jim up.

 

His whole body protested when John moved away. So he took his hand, and stood up. And then he put an arm around his shoulders. Better. John wrapped his arm around Jim's waist, leaning into him with a kiss to his cheek.

 

They walked together to the kitchen. Which was full of smoke. The window was open, and Jim could see Sherlock trying to put down a fire with a cloth. "Idiot", he muttered. He kissed John's cheek, and let him go. Then he opened a cupboard and took a lid. He studied the burning pan for a moment, and then, carefully, he put the lid on it until the fire until it was extinguished.

John went and opened more windows in the room and put on the fan over the cooker to get rid of most of the smoke. He got a towel and started batting it out the window, coughing. 

 

"Sherlock? Are you okay?", Jim asked, taking him to a window.

Sherlock nodded. "Yes, I....I got distracted, and suddenly there was....smoke everywhere"

"We'd best go outside while this clears out. I'll go open some more windows." John told them, putting the towel on the counter to go and open windows in every room, since the smoke and the smell was everywhere.

 

Jim nodded, and opened the door to the patio.

"Sherlock...how many times have I told you not to cook on your own?", he said fondly.

"I...wanted to make something, to...celebrate", Sherlock muttered.

"John? What did I tell you we were going to have for dinner today?", Jim asked in a louder tone, so John could hear.

"Pizza." John called from the room he'd gone into to open another window.

 

"See? Everything's fine", he said with a smile, taking Sherlock to the bench. "Need any help, John?"

"Nope, I'm fine." He called, making his way upstairs.

 

"Was everything...alright?", asked Sherlock carefully.

Jim nodded, and smiled. "Yes. You had to interfere, hadn't you?"

Sherlock smiled, relieved. "You were almost scared to look at each other"

"Yes..."

"So...how are things now? Are you two..."

Jim noticed the hesitance in Sherlock's voice, and took his hand. "We are...together. I assume you are okay with it. I...love him, Sherlock. But...I still love you. That hadn't changed. And it won't"

"Don't hurt him"

Jim smiled fondly. "Never"

John walked out onto the patio, and headed to the bench. "Alright?"

 

"Oh, yes. Sherlock was just giving me the hurt him and I'll kill you speech", Jim said with a smile.

"Jim!", Sherlock protested.

"What? You were"

John grinned, laughing. "Will I be getting that speech too?" He asked, sitting on the grass in front of them.

 

"Oh, of course", Sherlock replied with a smile.

 

John chuckled. "Can't wait."

 

Sherlock kissed Jim’s cheek, and hesitated for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. "Jim? Could you....order that pizza? Maybe from....somewhere inside without smoke?"

"Seriously, Sherlock?", Jim asked, rising an eyebrow. And then he noticed a slight tension on Sherlock's shoulders, and got up. "Alright. But....hurt him. and I'll kill you", he said to Sherlock with a smile. Then he kissed Sherlock's cheek, and John's. "Five minutes", he warned, going back inside. They needed time alone too. He should have realised that sooner. He went to Sherlock’s room, and closed the door. Then he sat on the bed and ordered the pizza, hoping that things were okay between Sherlock and John.

Jim waited five more minutes, and then he went back outside. He noticed that the tension had left Sherlock's shoulders, and John was still relaxed. Good.

 

Jim smiled at him as Jim sat down with them "Would either of you mind if I smoke?" John asked a little nervously.

 

Jim frowned at the question. "Are you....asking for permission?", he said, confused

 

John nodded, biting his lip. "I am."

 

"Why?", Jim asked

 

"I know neither of you are fond of it, so I'd rather ask than just do it." He shrugged.

 

"It's your body", Jim replied. "You don't need to ask permission. Besides...." He added with a smile. "Last time we were here and you smoked was....interesting", he teased, glancing at Sherlock. Who was blushing. Jim grinned, and took his hand.

"I'll sit on the grass, though." John chuckled, moving to sit in front of them again, so they weren't hit by the smoke. He took out his pack and tapped out a stick, lighting up.

 

Jim rested his head on Sherlock's shoulder, and closed his eyes. He felt good today. John had agreed to date him, and Sherlock was okay with it. And maybe, just maybe, things would be okay from now. "The pizza will be here in about half an hour", he muttered.

He could smell the smoke, and opened his eyes. John was sitting with his knees up, arms resting on his knees as he took a drag, holding it in his chest before exhaling slowly, watching it go into the sky. "What type did you get?"

 

"Carbonara", Jim replied without moving. 

Sherlock kept his eyes fixed on John. "Can I...try it?", he asked, watching John's relaxed expression

"No", Jim replied firmly. He didn’t like the taste. And from what he’d seen so far, Sherlock was likely to get addicted if he started.

"No? So he doesn't have to ask permission, but I do?"

"Yes. Because you're an idiot", Jim said, kissing him softly.

 

John shook his head. "Definitely not allowed. I'm addicted and I really hate it. I don't want you stuck with this habit. Just takes one."

 

"See? Two against one. You can't", Jim insisted.

"Fine", Sherlock replied. "I was just curious. You look so...confident, and relaxed."

 

"If you want to quit, I could help", Jim offered.

 

John shrugged. "Nah I'm fine for a while."

 

"Alright", Jim replied closing his eyes again. He felt Sherlock's lips on his forehead, and smiled.

 

"So...how are things at Charlie's?" Sherlock asked

"It's alright. He's okay with me visiting my mother, and we can come here on weekends. And....it's nice to....have him there", Jim replied softly. There was a hint of hurt in Sherlock’s voice, and Jim wasn’t sure of what to do about it.

"So...what will happen after your birthday? Are you going to stay with him?"

Jim hadn’t really thought about that. He had been focusing on the immediate future. "I....I don't know, Sherlock. He....hadn't offered. I....can we talk about it when it's closer?", he said, a bit nervously.

"Y....yes, of course"

Jim didn’t reply, mostly because he had no idea of what to say.

"We should do something for your birthday. Something special." Sherlock said softly.

Jim remembered what he was planning to do. He didn't want to think about it right now. "Alright. Whatever you want"

"No, it doesn't work that way. It's your birthday, you get to decide.", Sherlock insisted.

"We'll think about it properly in a week. Just mull it over for now." John offered, stubbing out his cigarette.

 

"Yes, that sounds good", Jim agreed. A week was a long time, and right now he didn’t want to worry.


	123. Chapter 123

Maybe he should make plans, prepare. But right now he just wanted to relax. He looked at Sherlock, and thought about how difficult these days had been for him. About how much Sherlock hated being alone. “Come here. Lie down", he said softly.

Sherlock looked at him, confused, but lay on the bench, resting his head on Jim's lap. Smiling, he started to play with Sherlock's hair. After some time, Sherlock closed his eyes and relaxed. Smiling, Jim looked up and met John’s eyes. "Come here", he mouthed silently. He wanted both of them close.

John rose a brow but stood silently to sit the other side of Jim. He moved one hand from Sherlock's hair, and, taking John's hand, he put it there. Then he rested his head on John's shoulder. Perfect. John kissed Jim's forehead and rest his head atop Jim's lacing their fingers.

Sherlock opened one eye, and smiling, closed it again. "You like my hair", he muttered.

"Yes", Jim replied without moving. It was so perfect and peaceful. None of them moved until they heard somebody ringing at the door.

"I'll get it", Sherlock muttered, getting up. "But you have to do that again"

"We will." John assured, watching Sherlock go fondly. "I better call Sebastian soon about that job."

Jim nodded, and kissed his cheek, only because he could. "Sherlock said they both had been expelled for two days. Maybe you could go to his place on Monday. Does Charlie agree?"

"I completely forgot to mention it. I'll ask him on Sunday." he sighed.

"Too many things in your head. I get it. He probably knows, It'll be in your file", he said, putting his arm around John's shoulder. "Will you...tell Sherlock what I told you about my birthday? I don't want to...say it again"

John kissed Jim's cheek and cuddled into him. "I'll tell him when he comes back, don't worry," he assured.

"No rush. I want to...enjoy this. Focus on the good things. Just for today"

John closed his eyes, turning his head to kiss Jim's neck lightly. "I'll tell him on Sunday. Remind me, or I'll forget."

 

"Alright", he answered, as he saw Sherlock coming back with the pizza.

"We should eat here", Sherlock said, embarrassed. "It still smells funny inside"

John chuckled. "Good or bad?" he asked.

 

"Bad", Sherlock replied, sitting down besides Jim. "But it's not as strong as before."

"Good." John nodded, lifting the lid of the pizza box cautiously.

 

"It won't bite", Jim teased.

John blushed, nudging him. "Hush you."

 

Jim laughed, and kissed his cheek again.

"I'll bring something to drink", Sherlock said, smiling, going back inside.

John plucked out a slice of pizza, eyeing it nervously. "What's on it?" he asked, looking at Jim.

"Bacon, mushrooms and carbonara sauce. Come on. Try it"

John huffed and took a bite, a small one at that, and chewed thoughtfully.

 

"I can...make something if you don't like it", said Jim, wondering why he was so nervous about something so trivial.

 

John shook his head. "It's lovely." he assured.

 

Jim smiled, feeling surprisingly happy. It made no sense, but he decided to enjoy it and stop over thinking it. He looked up, and saw Sherlock coming back with the drinks, looking at them fondly.

 

John put down his food to take his drink from Sherlock. "Thanks." he smiled.

 

Sherlock smiled, and sat on the bench. "Is it good?", he asked, taking a slice of the pizza

 

John nodded. "Surprisingly." he smirked.

 

Sherlock bit it, cautious. "It's...good", he said, surprised.

"Don't tell me you've never ate pizza", Jim teased

Sherlock blushed, and looked down.

Jim kissed his cheek. "Hey, it's alright"

 

John watched them with a small smile, until his phone rang. He checked the caller ID. Charlie. "Back in a sec." he told them as he rose, answering as he walked into the house.

 

"John? Stay where we can see you. Please", said Jim worried.

 

John nodded, leaning against the door way so they could see him, and hear if they tried.

Jim didn’t listen to the words, but the tone of John’s voice worried him. John was growing more and more nervous. Jim looked at Sherlock, and, without saying anything, they run closer to John, and held his hand.

 

"Breath with me, John", Jim whispered, remembering when John had done the same for him

John nodded, and shoved the phone at Sherlock. He was on the verge of panic. What had happened? Jim wrapped his arms around John, and felt Sherlock doing it from the other side. Sherlock was talking on the phone, but Jim was only paying attention to John. "John?", He said calmly, holding him as tightly as he could. "Come on, you can do this. Feel my breathing, breath with me"

 

John leaned into Jim, the voice calm, warm. He forced himself to try and breath in time with Jim, his body trembling as he fought back tears. "I-I c-can't." He gasped.

 

"Of course you can. You can do anything", Jim whispered. And then he pressed his lips against John's, so they'd breathe together. It wasn't how he had learned to control it and he had no idea if it would work. But it felt like the right thing to do.

 

John relaxed slowly..He gradually breathed in time with Jim, the shakes slowly subsiding though he couldn't stop the tears.

 

Sherlock finished the call, telling Charlie that John would call him back, and wrapped his arms around both of them without saying anything.

 

"Don't say anything. There's no need", Jim said softly without letting him go.

"Yes. Take your time", Sherlock added, kissing John’s head. "I told Charlie you'll call him when you are ready"

John nodded weakly, not really listening.

"Sherlock? Is it safe to go inside?", Jim asked calmly.

"Yes. There's no smoke left"

"Alright. Go inside, and fill the bathtub"

Sherlock hesitated for a second, and nodded.

"John? Listen to me, okay? Now we're going inside, and you're going to take a bath. Sherlock and I will be right out of the bathroom, or inside if you prefer it. And then you're going to bed. Everything will be better tomorrow. I'll talk to Charlie. Come. Let's go"

 

John shook his head, not moving. "I can't, Jim. I-I need to call Charlie. I have to give statements."

 

"Not right now. It's Friday night. Surely it can wait. At least take a bath. It'll calm you down. I'll call Charlie while you do it, and find out if it can wait"

 

John nodded reluctantly. "Okay, fine.. I'll bath along though.."

 

Jim put an arm around John's waist. "Let's go, then". John leaned into him heavily, allowing himself to be led upstairs.

 

Jim held John, and led him to the bathroom, where Sherlock had filled the bathtub. And then he hesitated. John needed help. But Jim had never seen him naked, and he knew it would be difficult for John. "I...I'll call Charlie", he muttered. "Will you be okay?"

 

John nodded weakly, ushering them both out. "I'll be fine." He forced a smile, fidgeting slightly.

" We'll be just outside, call when you want us to come", Jim said taking Sherlock's hand and walking out of the room. They sat on the floor outside the bathroom, and Sherlock took his hand.

"Jim, calm down. He'll be fine"

Jim closed his eyes and nodded.

"I know. You need to see him all the time to make sure it's real; to make sure he loves you"

Jim stared at Sherlock, and nodded slightly. How could Sherlock know that?

Sherlock smiled. "It happened to me too, you know? But he'll be fine. And he loves you"

"I know. It doesn't make any sense", he replied. Could John hear them? Probably. 

"John loves us. Of course it doesn't make any sense"

"Idiot", Jim replied, resting his head on Sherlock's shoulder.

Sherlock kissed his head, and didn't reply.

 

"I'll go to your room and call Charlie", Jim said, after a moment, standing up. He didn't want John to hear that call. Sherlock stayed, in case John needed anything, and Jim went to Sherlock's room, and dialed Charlie's number.

 

"Jim." Charlie answered after three rings. "Is he okay?"

 

"He's calmer. I made him take a bath”.

 

"That was my fault. At least he’s better. But.. I have to insist that I bring him down. It's pretty important. Trial starts Monday and we need to have everything ready."

 

"Charlie, I...I don't know if he can face a trial", Jim said, lowering his voice.

 

"He doesn't need to go up. I know well he can't do that. But if we have all of his statements and evidence then it's smooth sailing. We're trying to keep his name out of it as much as possible but... It's a lost cause."

 

Jim knew it. John was underage, so his name wouldn't be revealed, but his parents’ names would be public, and that was the same. "We'll go as soon as John finishes his bath", he replied. He hesitated, and added. "And...Charlie? I asked, and he....said yes"

 

"He did? Oh that's fantastic. I was hoping he would." Charlie chuckled lightly. "Will the three of you be coming down or?"

 

"Yes. Well, I haven't asked Sherlock, I'm sure he'd want to be there with John too"

 

"It could take a few hours and you know John. He won't want anybody to hear what was done." Charlie reminded.

 

"I'll find a way. I'm not leaving him alone", Jim stated.

 

"That's fair enough. It'll be me and one of my team taking the statements."

 

"Charlie....will this be enough? If John does this...is it over?"

 

Charlie sighed. "Possibly not. He'll have to deal with it for the rest of his life and there are a lot of people we won't be able to catch for this, because of how high up they are. It's.. It's dangerous."

 

"But he won't have to talk about it again? Ever?"

 

"Well... No. Once the case is closed, it's closed. He can never be brought up to deal with it again."

 

"You promise? He goes there now, and tells you and your man everything, and he won't have to talk about it again? Never, no matter what?"

 

"I can't promise that he won't be made to go into court. The defence might demand it, and as he is technically under guardianship of the state he would have to go. But we're trying to avoid that."

 

Charlie was being honest with him, so Jim felt that he had to be honest too. "That would break him, Charlie." He took a deep breath. "Please find a way to avoid it", he added. If Charlie couldn't, he'd offer John to go away.

 

"I know. I'm doing everything I can, I swear. Try and be down within the hour if you can. I'll pick you up if I have to."

 

"No. We'll be there", Jim replied. "See you"

 

"Bye." Charlie hung up without another word.


	124. Chapter 124

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he walked to the bathroom. He saw the questions on Sherlock's face, but right now he had to focus on helping John. Sherlock would understand. "Not now, Sherlock. Is he alright?"

Sherlock nodded. “Not now. But...later?”

“Later”, Jim promised. Then he knocked at the door. "John?"

"Yes?"

"Can I go inside?", he asked, relieved that John sounded like himself again.

"Sure." 

Sherlock started to get up, and Jim hesitated. "Sherlock? Let me handle this. Trust me. Please"

"I want to help", Sherlock whispered.

"I know. You letting me talk with him alone is helping"

Sherlock sighed, sat down again and close his eyes.

Jim hesitated. But John needed him more right now. He leaned to kiss the top of Sherlock’s head, and then he opened the door and walked inside the bathroom.

John was sitting in the bathtub, and when he saw Jim he curled up a bit more, looking self conscious. Jim glanced at John’s back, and noticed the scars. 

He sighed. An hour. twenty minutes to get there, so that meant forty to get John ready. He didn't have much time, but this was important. "John, please. You've seen me. Do you really think I mind scars? Do you mind mine? Or Sherlock's?"

"No, but..." John bit his lip nervously. "I've never let anyone see them except for that physical exam."

"The first time you sent Sherlock to my room I made him keep his eyes closed all the time", Jim replied softly. "I can close my eyes, if it makes you feel better. But I really don't mind"

"You... You can keep your eyes open." John sighed. "I have to go down, don't I?"

"Yes", Jim replied. "Charlie said that if you do this, it's probable that you won't have to go to the trial"

John groaned. "I figured but I don't want to do it anyway."

"I know", Jim said softly. "If you really can't do it...we can go away. Just say it, and I can make it happen. But....you said you wanted to make sure that they didn't do it to anybody else."

John rubbed his face roughly and nodded. "I know, I know. I don't want to it happen to anyone else." He rubbed his eyes with his palms. "I know I have to do it.”

"I'll be there with you. I....I won't listen, if you don't want me to. I can....take my mp3 player, and listen to music while you speak."

He bit his lip and nodded. "Okay... Will Sherlock be going?"

"You know he'll want to. But it's your choice."

John fidgeted. "I don't want him to know everything, Jim. It's one thing having told Greg and then he did that and you'd over heard and that whole thing happened and now I need to tell Charlie who I'll never be able to look at in the eye again-" He rambled on before he cut himself off, burying his face in his hands.

Jim moved closer and put a hand on John's shoulder. He wanted to hug John, but he didn't want to make him uncomfortable. "Hey, it's okay. I promise, it's okay. Sherlock wants you to feel good, and if you're better without him there, he'll understand". He lowered his voice, knowing that Sherlock was outside. "I know how it feels, okay? Remember how I reacted when I realised he knew? But you were right, he didn't mind. So it'll be alright. And Charlie...would you be more comfortable if it were a different policeman? Because I'm sure that I can make that happen"

"I'd rather it be Charlie. He knows a lot as it is." John whispered. "I'm just scared what will happen. The trial starts on Monday and everyone at school will know."

"Let me handle school. I`ll make sure nobody bothers you", Jim said firmly. "I'll tell you what will happen. I won't lie to make you feel better. Best case scenario: you give your statement, and it's over. You won't have to talk about it ever again. Nobody at school will mention anything to you. Worst case scenario: it's not enough, and you have to testify. Either you do it, or we go away. And then it's over. Charlie said it will be dangerous, but you'll be fine. Charlie will make sure of that, and Sherlock too. And then you'll finish high school, and go to the army, like you’ve always wanted to do and study to become a doctor. You'll be away, but whenever you can you'll stay with us, and we three will have a home together. And then you'll be send away, and do something important, save a lot of lives, for as much time as you want to. Sherlock and I will study, finish our degrees, and maybe something afterwards. You'll stay with us between tours. We'll write to you. And we'll be waiting for you, so you'll have a place to come back"

John lifted his head to look up at Jim. He ignored the fact that he was naked and leaned up to kiss Jim firmly. And Jim understood without needing any words. He kissed John back soft and tenderly, ignoring the fact that his shirt was soaked.

Jim wrapped his arms around John's neck, and kept kissing him. It made Jim feel so...loved. His legs were trembling. It was just a kiss, it shouldn't affect him this much. Without letting John go, or stopping kissing, him, Jim managed to kneel besides the bathtub. Better. Closer to John. He shouldn't need him this much, it was dangerous. But he didn't care. 

Jim felt the water falling out of the bathtub, soaking his trousers, but it didn't feel important. John was the only thing that mattered right now. He wanted him closer, he wanted to feel him and to make him forget about everything. Slowly, he moved his hands from John's neck to his back, and moved closer. John shivered at the touch, though the bathwater was still warm. Jim felt John’s hands in his hair, and shivered.

It had never been like this with Sherlock, this...desperate, this raw need to touch and be touched. He needed it. He needed to erase everything from John's skin, to make him feel good and forget about everything. Slowly, he started to move his hands across John's back.

It wasn't close enough. "Let me get inside", Jim whispered between kisses, moving a hand to John's neck and keeping the other on his back. "I need you closer", he added, kissing John tenderly. Some part of his mind reminded him that Sherlock was probably hearing them, but right now he couldn’t worry about that. 

John nodded, and there was absolutely no doubt on his face.. He tugged at Jim's shirt. "Off," He whispered. "Get in."

Jim took off his shoes, and stepped in the bath, kneeling in front of John. He hesitated for a second. John had never looked at him without his clothes. He had been there, but had never looked. He looked John in the eyes, and saw how much he cared. He kissed him again, and took off his shirt.

John pulled Jim close so they were flush against each other. And Jim couldn’t think. He wrapped his arms around John’s neck as they kissed, the kiss growing slower but more heated.

Jim was vaguely aware that he was still wearing his trousers, and that the floor was covered with water, but he ignored it. John's hands on his skin were so tender and careful, and his body so close that nothing else mattered. Slowly, he caressed John's back, feeling his skin, wet and slippery.

He felt John’s hand on his skin too, so soft and tender, so careful. Jim looked at John again, needing to be sure. Then he covered John’s face with kisses, and then moved to kiss his neck.

John sighed softly, tilting his head back, his eyes fluttering shut as he grew compliant under Jim's touches. John's reaction made him more confident. He moved his hands over John's arms, from his shoulders to his wrists, and back.

John let out a small soft moan without realizing it, and ducked his head so he could catch Jim in another slow kiss, unable to help himself.

And somehow the kisses weren’t so soft anymore, they were hungry and passionate, and Jim was starting to feel dizzy. John pressed closer, leaving no space between their bodies , and looped his fingers in the belt loops on Jim's trousers.

That brought Jim back to reality. He kissed John once more, and then hugged him. "We should stop", he whispered, kissing his ear.

John nodded reluctantly, kissing Jim's cheek. "Right." 

Jim kissed him again, slowly. "I don't want to", he whispered. "This feels so...right"

John nodded. "I've never been this.. comfortable."

"Awful timing", Jim replied with a smile, kissing him once more.

"Later?" John asked hopefully, smiling.

"Later. Tonight?", Jim replied shyly.

John nodded, nipping at Jim's bottom lip playfully. "Tonight."


	125. Chapter 125

Jim smiled, and, slowly, got up. And suddenly he felt self conscious, because John still hadn't looked at him, But he couldn't put on the soaked shirt. And....Oh, god. Was Sherlock still outside? Had he heard?

 

"Your bag is downstairs and I heard him go into his room. I need to get clothes too." John said softly, clearly having noticed Jim’s reaction.

 

"It's not that", he replied. He hadn't brought clothes; almost half of his things were already here, in Sherlock's room. He didn't mind Sherlock seeing him, he was used to that by now. But John...hadn't seen him yet. "Do you...", he started, unsure. He closed his eyes for a second. Of course John liked him. After what they had done, he should feel more confident. "I'll get dressed. You should do the same", he said finally, trying to sound confident.

John nodded. "Planned to. And Jim.. Don't be so nervous. I love you, remember?" He reminded, grabbing a towel from the cupboard beside the bath.

 

"I'm still trying to get used to the idea", Jim replied with a smile. "Come to Sherlock's room when you're ready"

"I will."

 

"Be careful with the floor, it's slippery", he said, taking off the rest of his clothes and wrapping a towel around himself. He glanced at John again, and then walked back to the room.

Sherlock was lying on the bed, and looked at him with an expression he couldn't read. And that made him worry, because not being able to read Sherlock meant that he didn’t want Jim to know how he was feeling.

"How did you do that?"

Jim looked at Sherlock, confused, and started to get dressed. "Do what?"

"Make him...trust you that much."

Jim sat on the bed, surprised by how bitter Sherlock's words had sounded. Then he kissed him softly. "Because he trusted me before, Sherlock. We were friends"

Sherlock nodded, and closed his eyes. "He doesn't want me to go with him", he whispered.

"No. But he still loves you", Jim said softly.

Sherlock didn't reply, and Jim finished getting dressed. When he was ready, Jim sat on the bed again. "Sherlock, look at me".

Sherlock opened his eyes without saying anything.

"This isn't about you. Right now, John needs us. And he needed that from me. What he needs from you is to be there for him, without questions. So you're going to get ready, and come with us. If he asks you to stay home, you do it. If he allows you to go in the car, and nothing else, you do it. Stop thinking you don't matter to us, because that's not true and you know it. And John needs you."

Sherlock smiled weakly, and kissed his cheek. "I see. So that's what you did".

"What?”, Jim asked, confused.

"This is what you did. You...knew what to do. You always do."

Jim shook his head. "Sherlock...please, we'll discuss it later. Just...try to help, okay? Even if that means staying behind".

Sherlock nodded, and in that moment John come into the room, dressed in clean clothes and looking small and vulnerable.

Jim smiled at John, because if it were him, he’d want to be treated normally.. "Ready?"

John nodded, trying to smile but failing. "Yeah. As I'll ever be."

 

Sherlock got up and hugged John. "Can I...go with you? Just in the car, I'll wait outside."

John clung to Sherlock almost desperately. "Please do."

 

Jim relaxed slightly. It seemed that Sherlock had understood. "Okay. Let's go, then", he said, walking towards the door.

John followed silently, clutching Sherlock's hand like a child. Jim stopped at the door, and took John's other hand before leaving the house. By the time they reached the car, John was shaking, holding them both for dear life. Somehow they managed to get into the car without letting John’s hands go. None of them said anything for a while. Jim glanced at Sherlock, and then and John, and realised that if somebody was going to talk it’d have to be him. So he kissed John’s cheek softly.

 

"John? We are here, no matter what", Jim whispered. Maybe it would help.

 

John nodded weakly with a sigh , closing his eyes. "I know."

 

"Do you know what always help me feel better? Planning. So let's plan this, as much as we can, okay?", Jim insisted.

"We can't plan for this." John mumbled. "I just go and tell them what happened."

 

"We can't plan for that. But we can plan what happens before and after that. Do you want to go alone? With Sherlock? With me? With both of us?", Jim asked softly.

"Alone " John whispered. "There are things I can't tell either of you. Ever."

 

"Even if I can't hear you?", Jim asked, just in case.

"Even then." John whispered.

 

"Alright. We'll be at the door, waiting for you. Right, Sherlock?”

 

“Anything you need. Just....tell us how to help”, Sherlock said, squeezing John’s hand.

John nodded weakly. "Thank you.." he whispered as the car came to the police station.

 

"We've done this before", Jim said firmly. "It'll be fine", he added, getting out of the car.

Charlie was waiting outside for them, smoking. He stubbed it out when he saw them. "Boys." he nodded, sighing at how terrified John looked.

 

Sherlock kissed John's cheek. "Jim was right. Think about...after. Tomorrow. Think about tomorrow, and the beach"

"It'll be fine. Charlie will be there with you, and once it's over we'll go back with Sherlock. And...I'll make you feel good", Jim whispered, before nodding at Charlie.

John blushed, and kissed them both quickly before walking to Charlie, arms wrapped around himself.

"It'll be alright. Just tell us the same as in the hospital." Charlie soothed, putting an arm around John to guide him inside.

"There's more to what I told you." he mumbled, keeping his head down as they walked through the station, cops watching them sadly.

 

Sherlock took Jim's hand, and they sat on a bench. Nobody talked for a while, and both of then kept their eyes fixed on the door.

"Sherlock? Do you still think I’ll hurt him?", Jim asked eventually.

"Of course not. And...you're good for him. Better than me"

"Different. Not better. He needs both of us", Jim replied. Strangely, he remembered having had almost the same conversation with John.

Sherlock and Jim stayed outside for about two hours. They talked, in a way they haven't done before; about themselves, about John. About the future. For some reason, it was easier than before. They talked about what to do when John came out, too.

"Don't ask questions. Or better, don't say anything", Jim said calmly

"Why not?"

"Because....okay. It's not that he doesn't trust us, but....I think he feels ashamed. I think he blames himself, and only wants to forget."

"He" Sherlock said softly.

"We are very similar, Sherlock", Jim whispered, looking away for a moment.

Sherlock nodded. "No questions. No comments. Okay. What then? Once home?"

"I...I want to make him feel better”, Jim said, hoping he wasn’t blushing.

"Can I help?"

Jim hesitated. "Do only what I do. And....if I told you to leave us, do it. No questions. It doesn't mean we don't love you, or we don't want you. It means we need you to leave us alone for a while. And....that doesn't mean I don’t....like what you and I..."

"Okay."

 

Jim looked at Sherlock, grateful. He understood. Smiling, he rested his head on Sherlock’s shoulder, and hoped they could go home soon.

After an hour, when it was starting to get cold, a policeman offered for them to wait inside. They entered the building, and another man offered them coffee. They didn't talk here. Instead, they sat close to each other, and held hands in silence.

Two policemen were talking about a case close to them.

"It was the brother", Sherlock said. And then he realised what he had done, and, blushing, stared at the floor.

"Hey, calm down", Jim whispered, squeezing his hand.

The policeman stared at them, and asked Sherlock what he meant.

"I....I know it was him, but I don't know why"

"Oh, Sherlock, that's obvious", Jim replied with a smile.

And then Sherlock explained how he had reached that conclusion, how evident it was; and Jim explained the motivations. Everything fitted, and, after ten minutes, half of the agents had left to arrest that man.

 

Sherlock had fell asleep on his shoulder after another hour. Jim had kept his eyes on the door, and focused on planning. How to make John feel better. What they would do tomorrow. And this summer. How to keep in contact with John afterwards.

"Sherlock?", he said, waking him up, when he saw the door opening.

They both stood up, and waited for John to come out. Charlie was walking besides him, looking as tired as John. They walked closer, and John stood there silently. He looked exhausted. Jim didn’t say anything, because if it was him, he wouldn’t want to talk about it. So he just took John’s hand, and relieved, he saw Sherlock doing the same.

 

"Let's go home, John", Sherlock said calmly, like he and Jim had planned.

 

John simply nodded, numb to everything.

 

Charlie hesitated. "Jim? A word?" he asked calmly. "Sherlock take John to the car you came in. He shouldn't stand for too long."

Jim hesitated, not wanting to leave John alone. But he wouldn't be alone, he'd be with Sherlock. "I'll see you in a minute", he said kissing John's cheek and letting his hand go.

 

John left with Sherlock, smiling weakly at the kiss.

 

Charlie waited until they were far enough away to speak. "Ok, look. When you get him back, he needs to sleep. He spent the entire time talking, Jim. He's exhausted. Physically and mentally."

 

"I know", Jim replied. "I...I know what to do. I'll take care of him, Charlie"

 

"Good. And there's something else.. The trial starts on Monday, right. It's going to be televised. “he spoke quietly. "It's honestly not within our power to stop, the court has allowed it. But.. I'm certain we have enough that nobody will get away without a sentence of some form. I know shouldn't but I want to keep John out of school for the week."

 

Jim nodded. That meant John wouldn't need to testify, but they would read his testimony, or play it if it had been recorded. It was going to be hard for John. But...if John was anything like himself, he wouldn't want to be sheltered. "I...think school would help him. Going back to the routine. I...I can ask people not to talk to him about it."

 

"I'd rather him be home and watch it. I know it would be hard, incredibly so, but this would be his closure." Charlie replied.

 

"Let him decide. Please. Let him feel... he has some control over the situation", Jim insisted, because he knew how it felt when everybody made decisions about your life.

 

“I know that. We'll discuss it on Sunday. I was giving you an opportunity to ask him."

 

"You want me to ask him?" Jim said surprised. "Alright. I'll do it on Sunday. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow we....we're going to the beach, and try to forget about all this". And he was going to do it, no matter how hard it was. John needed it.

 

Charlie nodded. "Good idea. I think you all need it."

 

Jim nodded, hoping that Charlie was right, and he wouldn't panic. Or John. "This means...he won't have to talk about it again, doesn't it? Can I tell him that?"

 

Charlie nodded with a sigh. "He's been through enough."

 

Jim nodded, relieved, and said goodbye to Charlie. Then he went to the car, where Sherlock was still holding John's hand

"Jim? What...."

"Later, Sherlock", Jim said, taking John's other hand.

 

John looked so tired. He closed his eyes and rest his head back against the seat, frowning.

 

Jim didn't say anything, just kept holding John's hand. And Sherlock, as he had promised, did the same. When they arrived to Sherlock’s house, he left the car still holding John's hand.

John followed slowly; still clutching their hands like his life depended on it.

 

They walked to Sherlock's room, because it was a place all of them felt safe, and right now Jim thought it was what they needed. He had promised to make John feel good, but there were several ways to achieve that. Right now John needed to feel safe and loved. And they were exhausted.

"Sherlock. Take off your shoes and jacket, and get into the bed, close to the wall"

Sherlock nodded, and did as Jim had told him to.

Slowly, Jim let go John's hand and took his jacket off. "Sit on the bed", he told John.

 

John silently did as he was told, sitting on the bed after he slipped off his shoes.

 

Jim took off his own jacket and shoes. "Okay. Lie down"

 

John lay down, looking nervous.

 

Jim lay down besides John, and put the sheet over them. They were close to each other. Jim wanted John to feel them, to feel safe. "Close your eyes", he whispered.

 

John closed his eyes, worrying at his lip in apprehension.

 

"Calm down, John", Jim whispered kissing his cheek."I'm going to kiss you. Just that. And then Sherlock is going to kiss you too. And then we'll sleep. Okay?"

 

John nodded slightly. "I trust you both."


	126. Chapter 126

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it's been almost a year since the last update. A lot of things have changed, and I couldn't find time or motivation to write. But I kept getting kudos, and lovely comments, and...I've missed this story. I'm going to try to post at least weekly, but I can't promise anything. I apologise if there are continuity problems and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I do writing it.
> 
> Alythe

Jim smiled at John’s words. Maybe things would be okay after all. "I know." he said. And then he kissed him, soft and tenderly, until he felt part of the tension leaving John’s body. He had sort of promised John more than kissing, before, but this felt right. 

 

"Okay?" He asked. John had relaxed slightly, but Jim needed to hear it.

 

“I trust you," John repeated. “Just...make me stop thinking about...”

 

Jim nodded, and looked at Sherlock. "Sherlock? Kiss him." He said softly. Because Sherlock needed to feel included and John needed Sherlock too.

 

They both looked tense as they kissed. And that was wrong. He kissed John again briefly. “Don't think." Jim whispered. "Just feel". He said the words to John, but they were for Sherlock too.

 

This time when Sherlock and John kissed, they both looked more confident. Good.

 

"More?" Jim asked John in a whisper. "Or would you rather sleep?"

 

"More." John whispered timidly, blushing.

 

"More", Jim repeated with a smile. He kissed him again, slow and softly, and this time he put his hands on John's neck, pulling him closer. John curled into him slightly, an arm going around Jim's waist to hold him close, kissing him back slowly.

 

Jim forgot about Sherlock being there.About the situation. About everything, but John. He kept kissing him in that soft way, melting in to the kiss. 

 

He kept kissing John for a long time, and then he moved away, just a bit, to see his face and check that everything was alright. And saw that John was holding Sherlock’s hand.

 

John opened his eyes and looked at Jim, a small smile on his face. Without a word he kissed Jim again.

 

Jim was still getting used to the idea that John wanted this, _him_. He remembered how John's hands on his skin had felt. And then he followed his own advice, and stopped thinking, focusing on the sensations. He felt lightheaded. It was like before, in the bath. Slowly, he sliced his hands under John's shirt, just a bit, to test John's reaction. John didn’t say anything, he didn’t object, if anything he pressed closer.

 

And then something changed, but Jim hadn’t done anything different. He felt John’s hands touching his skin, and the way John kissed him became more intense. Jim tried to figure out what had happened, but he couldn’t think clearly. And then he saw Sherlock kissing John’s neck. Sherlock wasn’t jealous, he accepted this, he wanted this. It was....perfect.

 

And then Jim felt another hand on his skin, touching his back in a familiar way. Sherlock. He hadn't planned this. But it felt right.

Jim tried to remain in control, but he gave up. And for the first time ever, he felt....comfortable letting go. He kept kissing John, And kept a hand on his back. With the other hand, he reached for Sherlock, fingers brushing across his cheek.

 

After a while, Jim stopped kissing John, and just held him closer. Somehow, Sherlock's arms had ended up around them. When Jim stopped, Sherlock did too, and the part of Jim's brain that was still working remembered having told Sherlock to do only what he did. "Definitely that was.... _more_."Jim whispered with a smile.

 

John blushed brightly and giggled despite himself, hiding his face in Jim's neck. "You think?"

 

"Oh, yes." Jim replied, giggling too.

"Idiots." Sherlock muttered, smiling.

"Shut up, Sherlock. You liked it too"

 

"I think we all did." John grinned, laughing quietly.

 

"Can you sleep like this? I don't want to move", Sherlock muttered.

 

"Mm, I can." John assured.

 

Jim frowned. That wasn't the right question. "Do you want to?"

 

"Definitely." John sighed, nuzzling Jim's neck sleepily.

 

Jim smiled fondly, and didn't move, feeling John's breathing becoming slower. He was still touching Sherlock's face, and he moved his fingers over Sherlock's cheek slowly, hoping that Sherlock would understand. 

Both Sherlock and John fell asleep shortly after, but Jim stayed awake for some time, thinking about the day. And feeling a bit reluctant to sleep in case he had a nightmare and woke them up. But...he felt like some of those nights with Sherlock, safe and peaceful, and nightmares were rare when he fell asleep feeling like that. Finally, he closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

 

He woke up at the same time as Sherlock, when he heard John crying out, curling in on himself. John was still between them. Sherlock kissed his head, softly. "It's okay, John. You're safe, it's over. I love you, Jim loves you and you're safe." he whispered.

For a second, Jim had no idea of what was happening. He had been dreaming, but he couldn't remember it, and somebody was crying, but it wasn't him. Was this still a dream? Was he hurting John? No. Sherlock was speaking, and his words convinced him that this was real. He moved closer to John, not wanting to speak yet. John would hear the tension in his voice, and that wouldn't help.

John couldn't stop crying and began to shake, mumbling under his breath.

 

"Sherlock, keep talking," Jim whispered. "Breath with me, John." he whispered, pressing their lips together.

Sherlock kept talking about the next day, about the beach, about London; about everything he could think.

But it wasn't working. It wasn't working and Jim was starting to panic. He knew how it felt, to be so trapped in a nightmare that he didn't know what was true. He knew how it felt, but not how to avoid it. "Don't do this. Please. I love you. Just....breath." Jim whispered, and kissed him again.

 

John whimpered quietly, unable to break through his nightmare. He couldn't breath properly and he was panicking, full on panicking.

 

"Sherlock. Do something", Jim whispered, holding John and trying not to panic too. Because he had no idea of what else he could do. 

Sherlock looked at them nervously, looking a bit lost. Then he got out of the bed, and took his violin. Still in the darkness, he took it from his case and started to play a soft and melancholic song, one that Jim had never heard before.

 

The song pierced through the nightmare. John slowly began to calm down, curling into Jim as his shaking began to subside.

Sherlock kept playing and playing, and slowly, Jim calmed down too. It was working. He hugged John tighter, and kissed his head, almost crying in relief.

 

John slowly settled back into a peaceful sleep, curled up safe and warm in Jim's arms, listening to Sherlock play.

After a while, Jim fell asleep again, feeling John between his arms and listening to Sherlock.

 

When Jim woke up again, they were still sleeping. He remembered the image of Sherlock, exhausted, asleep besides Jim’s mother, and wondered how many hours he had slept the last days. Not enough. And John...he needed to rest. So he stayed there without moving, waiting for them to wake up. He didn't mind, he was comfortable and they were close to him.

John woke an hour after Jim did, looking calm and rested.

 

"Morning." Jim said in a whisper when he noticed the change in John's breathing.

 

"Morning." he mumbled against Jim's neck with a sigh.

 

"Don't wake him up." Jim whispered. Sherlock needed to rest. Jim wondered how long he’d kept playing after Jim and John had fallen asleep.

John nodded sleepily. "Okay."

Jim sighed, happy, and kissed his head. "It's nice to wake up close to you." 

"You too.. Both of you."

 

"I was thinking about...doing something for Sherlock, later. I don't want him to feel...apart," Jim whispered, remembering how he had felt at the beginning of this. "Will you help?"

John nodded. "What do you have in mind?"

 

"A...game." Jim replied. "I think you'll like it. And if you don't, just say it. I was thinking...there's something..." He blushed. "Okay. Just tell me if you would feel comfortable touching Sherlock without his shirt on. If you were sure he wouldn't move at all."

John frowned but nodded. "I think so, yeah." he whispered. "What.. What kind of game?"

 

Jim hesitated, feeling embarrassed. "Well...he...likes it when I tell him what to do. He says...that way he doesn't have to worry about doing anything wrong. He also likes it when...I tell him to keep his eyes closed, or to stay still. And he loves games, and bets. So..I was thinking...of telling him to keep his eyes closed, and not to move, and...I don't know. One of us does something. A touch, a kiss, whatever you want...and ask him to guess who did it", he said nervously. "If...if you're okay with it, of course. You know what? Forget it, it's a stupid idea."

John lifted his head to kiss Jim's warm cheek. "I think that's a great idea." he whispered. "He'd think so too."

 

He relaxed, and smiled. "We should...check the state of the house. After all, yesterday Sherlock almost burned down the kitchen, and we flooded the bathroom."

John blushed brightly at the mention of the bathroom. "We'll tidy up soon."

 

"Yes. Right now I don't want to move. And he'll wake up soon, his breathing pattern has changed."

"I know." John mumbled. Then Sherlock opened his eyes and smiled.

 

Jim looked over John’s shoulder to smile at Sherlock. "Hey, you."

"You're here." Sherlock replied, smiling.

"As perceptive as always, Sherlock."

"Shut up." Sherlock replied, still smiling.

John giggled. "Now now, girls." he teased.

 

"Not you too." Sherlock's complained.

John grinned. "Can't stop me."

 

"Stop you talking? Oh, that's easy." Sherlock replied

"Oh, no. Not this again." John groaned, remembering last time Jim had said that.

 

"Oh, shut up." Sherlock replied, pressing their lips together.

"Fine." he mumbled against Sherlock's lips.

 

Jim smiled fondly. "I'll make breakfast. If the kitchen is still functional." he said, getting out of the bed.

"I'll mop up the bathroom. I need a shower." John yawned, practically rolling out of the bed.

 

"Can't it wait?", Sherlock complained, taking his hand.

John looked at Sherlock for a moment before crawling back into the bed. "It can."

 

"I'll be downstairs", Jim said softly. "And if any of you isn't smiling when you go there.." he threatened, smiling, as he walked to the door.

Sherlock laughed. "Well, that was his version of hurt him and i'll kill you."

"I think that was more threatening than your one." John chuckled, kissing Sherlock's cheek.

 

"Well, he's more threatening than me." Sherlock replied smiling. "He's...protective towards you." he added.

"And you." John reminded softly, smiling.

 

“I’m still here." Jim replied, laughing.

 

“No. You’re making breakfast." Sherlock stated.

 

Jim laughed at that, and went to the kitchen.


	127. Chapter 127

Jim made breakfast for the three of them, making sure there was everything Sherlock and John liked. The ceiling showed marks of the fire, but everything else worked, so Jim decided not to mention it. Besides, the sight of the stain made him smile, for some reason. He prepared a tray, and walked upstairs. It had been a while, but Sherlock and John hadn’t been alone together lately, so he walked slowly, giving them some time.

He hadn’t meant to pry, but the door was ajar and he could hear them talking as he walked up the stairs. They sounded...happy, and he heard laughter. When he walked a bit closer, he could understand their words.

"So...let me see if I understood it. You two left the bathroom floor covered with water _yesterday_ , and you want to mop it _now_."

"Uh huh."

Sherlock laughed. "Well, that explains the state of Jim's clothes when he came back to the room."

John giggled. "Got a little wet."

"You managed to get Jim in the bath with you... _dressed_?"

"His clothes were soaked when he got out." 

"Jim...", Sherlock laughed. "Jim got in the bath _dressed_." 

"Yup." John giggled.

Jim blushed, remembering the bath. He took a deep breath, left the tray on the floor and knocked. 

"You don't have to knock, Jim." Sherlock said, still sounding amused.

Smiling, Jim opened the door. "I bring you breakfast."

John shifted the pillows so they could sit up against them. "Our own personal chef." 

Jim blushed again, and hoped none of them would mention it. He sat with them, putting the try on the bed. "I like cooking, you were busy and I'm not letting Sherlock go anywhere near the kitchen."

"We'll have to get him cooking classes." John teased.

"Jim had been teaching me. It...it was an accident."

John kissed Sherlock's cheek. "I know, love."

"It's alright, Sherlock. Eat." Jim replied with a smile. He drank his coffee, and observed both of them eating, still looking happy and relaxed. John didn’t finish everything, but he ate enough. Maybe things would be okay, after all. 

"So....beach?" Sherlock asked hopefully, once they’d finished.

Jim nodded nervously. Beach meant short sleeves, and cold water. But it was something to do, they couldn’t spend all the time inside Sherlock’s house. And Sherlock had said the beach was private. 

"Do you have stuff we can borrow, or do we need to pick something up from Charlie’s?" John asked.

"My mother keeps everything. Look in my wardrobe, or Mycroft's. There should be everything we need."

"I....I've never...wore anything with short sleeves." Jim muttered, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt. 

John look at him, and smiled. "I only did in the hospital. Never before." He took Jim's hand and squeezed it. "It'll be okay."

"We'll be alone. It's a quiet place", Sherlock added. "If...If you prefer to do another thing, it's fine."

"It's up to you." John agreed.

Jim thought about it. About how much both of them loved him. About how tired he was of his past limiting his future. He could do this. "I...I want to try. I'm tired of...being unable to do normal things”.

John smiled warmly, and kissed the back of Jim's hand. "It'll just be us. It'll be fun."

"Okay. Let's have a look at those clothes." Jim replied. Being busy helped, and part of him still didn’t want to look weak in front of them.

Sherlock stood up, and opened the wardrobe. He started to take out clothes, looking for something that could fit them. After a moment, John put the tray to the side and rose to help Sherlock look, worrying at his lip a he did.

Jim didn't move from the bed, observing the clothes Sherlock selected. Short sleeves, short trousers. They were just clothes, nothing to be scared of. It wasn’t important. Of course not. He observed as John selected some clothes and put them on the bed. When John left the room to get towels, Sherlock looked at him and frowned. Jim hadn’t been able to hid from Sherlock, why did he keep trying?

"Jim? Are you alright?"

"Do you really need me to answer?"Jim replied, meeting Sherlock’s eyes. 

Sherlock sat on the bed again, and hugged him. "What's the problem? I've already seen you. And..John loves you, he won't mind."

"John had seen me too." Jim replied, closing his eyes. I...I'm okay with you two seeing the scars. But....sometimes...seeing them triggers memories, and I...." He was getting more nervous. And then he felt Sherlock’s warm lips on his, and suddenly it didn’t feel that difficult.

"It'll be fine. Let me help you", Sherlock muttered, opening Jim's shirt.

Jim didn't fight Sherlock, but didn't help him either. "I missed you." he whispered.

Sherlock took of Jim's shirt, and hugged him briefly. Then put a t-shirt of him. "I missed you too. Sleeping without you is...difficult. Stand up."

Jim did as Sherlock told him, and didn't move while Sherlock took off his trousers and put on a short ones. "I know. I....I went home, yesterday, and saw you there."

"I'm sorry, I...didn't know where else I could go."

"It's alright, Sherlock."

Sherlock hugged him again. "You're ready. The T-shirt is a bit too long, but it fits you, more or less."

Jim opened his eyes and looked at him, grateful. It hadn’t been that hard, after all. He looked at Sherlock as he got changed. He looked nervous too, and when he took off his shirt, Jim looked at his arms, covered in drawings, and realised why. John hadn’t come back, probably giving them some time alone, but Jim wasn’t sure of how to deal with this. 

“Jim? We should prepare...sandwiches, or something like that, for lunch”.

Right. Something to do. Jim smiled, and stood up. Sherlock smiled back, and took Jim's hand. "Come, let's go downstairs", he said, heading towards the door. John was probably there. 

Jim felt cold, not used to short sleeves. It made him nervous, and he couldn’t help it. 

Sherlock stopped walking in the middle of the stairs, and looked Jim in the eyes. And then, slowly, he moved his hands over Jim's arms. "I like to be able to do this", he said with a smile. "And I like you wearing my clothes."

Jim smiled back, feeling better, and they walked to the kitchen.

John looked up as they walked in and smiled at them. He’d already changed, and was looking for something in the cupboard.  
Sherlock’s warm hands and John’s smile made jim relax. He started to prepare the sandwiches, and the familiar movements helped, too.

"Sherlock? Do you know where the sunblock is kept, if you have any." John asked.

"Bathroom? I'll go and see." Sherlock offered.

John got a few things from the fridge. "Want a hand?" He asked, going to the counter to stand next to Jim.

"Yes, thanks", Jim said smiling. "Can you...wrap them?"

John nodded and got cling film. He tore off pieces and began to wrap the finished ones. Jim worked silently for a while. It was comfortable, cooking with John. When Sherlock came back, he didn't turn around. "Sherlock? Look for a bag and put everything in it."

"There's a bag on the counter that I put the towels and water in. If we put these in a plastic box or something, they should be fine in the bag." John advised.

"Okay", Sherlock replied, putting the sunblock in the bag. 

Jim finished the last sandwich, and looked at John. "So...do we need anything else?"

John wrapped the last one. "Um...I think we have everything.”

"And...how does it work? I mean...we just go there and sit on the sand? Wouldn't it be...boring?", Jim asked.

"Well...", Sherlock said, slowly. "We can bathe. And..I don't know. Play something."

"Make sandcastles? Go in the water if you want." John shrugged. "Anything."

Jim nodded, and turned to look at them. He looked at John properly for the first time since they had changed, and paled when he saw his leg. Only one letter was visible three faint lines of an E, the rest were covered by John's shorts. But Jim knew what it said. He had put it there. 

John caught the look on Jim's face and looked down at himself. He cleared his throat and gently tugged Jim into a hug. Jim needed all his willpower not to cry. He could remember everything he had felt those months, everything he had said and done to John in order to stop thinking. "I'm sorry." he whispered.

John held Jim tighter to him, kissing his cheek gently. "It's okay." He whispered. "It's okay."

It wasn't. But today was supposed to be a day to relax and enjoy being together. "Okay", he replied.

"Can somebody explain me what's going on?"

John sighed and hugged Jim a bit tighter before stepping back and pulling up the shorts to show Sherlock the five letters on his leg. "Two years ago."

Sherlock stared at John's leg for a second, and then at Jim's face. "You did that?"

"No. I made him do it." Jim whispered, looking at the floor, unable to look Sherlock in the eyes.

"Let's go." Sherlock said, in a voice too calm to be natural. Jim bit his lip, and only moved when John took his hand. 

"I...don't know how you can love me." he whispered.

John kissed Jim's cheek softly, guiding him from the kitchen. "We were different people then. We're both different now. You did it because you had to and.. Honestly if it wasn't for you telling me to do it, I would have done it myself."

"Or something worse. Yes, i know. And if I hadn't done it..." He took a deep breath. "It's over. Let's just...have fun today."

John guided him out of the house, following Sherlock. It would be okay. It had to be. He hadn't thought about it for months, and John had forgiven him.  
Jim studied Sherlock carefully. He was difficult to read today. Was he...angry? Silently, and without letting John's hand go, he entered the car. They followed him, and, once inside, Jim didn’t say anything until the silence became uncomfortable. 

"Sherlock...is everything alright?"Jim asked after five minutes of silence in the car. 

"No." Sherlock replied without looking at him. 

"Sherlock....look at me"

When Sherlock looked at him there were so many emotions in his eyes that he didn't know what to think. 

"I just need...a bit of time, Jim. I...I know what happened, more or less, but knowing is one thing; seeing it is very different."

"Okay", Jim replied. He had already explained and apologized, there were anything else he could do. And he wanted to relax, today. They all needed it. 

John held Jim's hand a bit tighter as they spoke, looking down at his legs in shame. Jim squeezed his hand, and tried to think about a way of fixing this. He felt exposed and vulnerable, and not only because of the scars on John’s leg. It had to do with the clothes he was wearing, he knew that. Also the change of his relationship with John, so new. This was the best thing he’d ever had, and he didn’t want to ruin this. 

"Sherlock...talk to me. Don't...do that. Don't hide in your mind."

"I just can't see how you could do that. Either I don't know you at all, or you have changed more than anybody can change."

Jim took a deep breath, and ignored the coldness of Sherlock’s voice. It meant he was hurt, only that. "Sherlock....remember our first deal. I haven't changed that much, until...well, until you. You and John made me change. I...I never lied to you about how I was. You knew it when you kissed me"

Sherlock nodded. "It's....alright, Jim. I just need time to....order my thoughts."

John stared out the window. "Sherlock, if it weren't for Jim doing it, I would have done worse." he said calmly. "And I know that doesn't make it better but.. I'd rather the enemy I know than the hero I hate."

"I know, it's okay. But it's difficult to imagine...Jim doing that."

"Sherlock, I...", Jim tried. And then he stopped, because he had no idea of what else he could say.

"What if you feel like that again? What if something wrong happened? Would you hurt John again? Or me?"

Jim looked away and talked in whispers, trying to hide his emotions. "I felt like that again. Worse. Do you know what happened, Sherlock? John was there for me. He stayed with me the whole night, talked to me, kept me sane. So no. I would never hurt him again. Or you."

"You won't purposefully or accidentally hurt us if you can help it. Like we won't to you." John whispered, squeezing his hand.

Why did John make him feel so safe? He smiled at him, and kissed his cheek. "Never", he whispered, wondering what had he done to deserve John. 

Sherlock stayed silent for a while, thinking and looking at them. After some time, he sighed. "I acted like an idiot, didn't I? I'm sorry"

John smiled warmly at Jim before looking at Sherlock. "You did. It happened years ago. I don't hold grudges often, so I don't really care about what happened anymore. I'm better than I was."

Sherlock nodded. "We all are." He added, taking Jim's hand.


	128. Chapter 128

Jim felt better after that. Everything was complicated, and the relationship they had was complicated, but it was worth it. They could make it work, somehow.   
"When was the last time you went to the beach?" Jim asked eventually. He’d never been, and he was curious. Sherlock on a beach was...difficult to imagine, for some reason.

"Two years ago. When...Mycroft gave me the butterflies, and I stopped. I...told my mother, and she said that we should celebrate when I was better, and do something special."

Jim smiled at Sherlock's expression, and squeezed his hand. "What about you, John?"

"With Greg and Charlie when I was eight." John bit his lip. "Not a good memory." he sighed.

"Well, this time you'll have a good memory." Jim said with a smile. Today was going to be good, they all deserved it. 

John smiled weakly. "I hope so."

"It'll be fun." Jim insisted, trying to appear confident. "Sherlock...you said it was....private. Only us. Are you sure?"

"Totally."

Jim smirked. "ThenI know what game we're going to play."

"Game?"

"Yes. You said we could play something. I discussed it with John before. You'll like it."

John grinned. "You'll love it." he added.

Sherlock studied their faces, and, for some reason, blushed. "You mean...a game like when we..."

"Yes, Sherlock", Jim replied grinning

"With...John?"

"With John." Jim confirmed. They had to become comfortable with each other, or this would never work.

Sherlock swallowed. "What are...the rules?"

"I'll tell you later", Jim replied, because that would keep Sherlock distracted for a while.

Sherlock looked at John, who was smirking, and blushed deeper. "O...kay. As long as there are rules, so I know what to do."

Jim nodded. "Of course. I know how it goes. It was my idea, remember?"

Sherlock nodded again."Jim? have you...explained the rules to John?", Sherlock asked after a minute

"More or less. We'll...negotiate later." John would be okay. It was just a game, and they could stop if it went wrong. 

The car stopped close to the beach. Jim looked out of the window, and saw a single access. He couldn't see the beach from here. He opened the door, and suddenly he found it impossible to leave the car. He tried to rationalise it; nobody else would see him, and Sherlock and John didn't care. But...he'd be outside, and his skin would be exposed.

Sherlock glanced at Jim, and left the car by the other door. Then he offered Jim his hand. Jim took it, still nervous, feeling vulnerable. He got out of the car, focusing on Sherlock’s hand. Then he took a deep breath, and looked at John. He looked nervous too. Great. Maybe they shouldn’t have come. 

Sherlock looked at them, opened the trunk and got the bag out. He handed it to Jim, and took John’s hand too. Then, slowly, he began to walk. 

"It's just us three. It's Saturday, we are together and we are going to have a great day. I don't mind if you have a million scars, okay? So stop acting that way, both of you."

John huffed a sigh but nodded dutifully, clinging to Sherlock. And Jim tried to rationalise it, not waiting to ruin the day. He could do this.

When they arrived to the beach, Sherlock looked at them, smile fondly, and muttered "Idiots.” And, somehow, that made Jim felt more comfortable in the summer clothes.

When they were on the sand, John took the bag from Jim. “I'll look for somewhere to put our stuff in the shade."

Jim nodded, still a bit nervous. Sherlock had been right, they were totally alone. And...hadn't the car went through a gate to get here? "Sherlock? When you said it was a private place....did you mean....private, as in....you own it?" 

"Not me. My mother. I....think.." Sherlock muttered, uncomfortable.

Jim smiled, and kissed him softly. "Good. Nobody will bother us". He could do it, if it was just the three of them.

John found a nice empty alcove of rocks, for shade, that was near the water.. He laid out the three towels and put the bag in a corner, grabbing the sun cream too. He slipped off his shoes and socks and sat on a towel, waiting for them.

"Come. John is waiting", Jim said softly.

Sherlock nodded, and they walked to where John was. Jim wasn't sure of what to do, but what John had done, take off his shoes, seemed logical, so he sat down and did the same. Sherlock smiled, seeing them more relaxed, and sat down with them.

John tucked his socks in his shoes and put them next to the bag. "This has to be the softest sand I have ever seen."

Sherlock smiled, and took some of it between two fingers. "It's quite pleasant, yes." he said with a smile. 

"It's...peaceful, here," Jim said softly, lying down and closing his eyes. He heard some movement, but he felt calm and warm, and didn’t want to move. After some more whispered that he didn’t bother to pay attention to, he felt a kiss on his cheek. . "Aren't you a bit to warm?" John whispered, placing a kiss on his shoulder.

Jim opened his eyes to find both of them shirtless. John’s ribs were still prominent but not dangerously, and he looked...healthier. Sherlock’s chest was covered in bruises, but they were healing and didn’t look as painful as they had been. He looked at them in silence for a moment, and smiled at John.

"I like it. Hot is...safe. Good." he replied.

"I know." John whispered, softly. He absently traced the hem of Jim's shirt, watching him carefully.

"That's...nice." Jim said, meeting John’s eyes. 

John smiled warmly, continuing what he was doing. "Good." he murmured, slipping his thumb under the material to stroke his hip slowly.

Maybe Jim should be nervous, but he wasn’t. John’s hand was soft and warm, and Jim wanted to feel more. So he closed his eyes again and focused on the sensations. And then he felt somebody taking his hand. Colder than John’s hands, and with longer fingers. Sherlock. He heard something else. A phone? One of them had taken a picture. He opened his eyes and saw Sherlock putting the phone back in the bag.

John looked up at Sherlock, smiling. "Anyone want to come into the water with me?"

Sherlock nodded. "Yes, let's go. Jim?"

"Maybe later." Jim replied. The water would be cold, and he was too comfortable right now. 

"Your loss." John teased lightly, taking Sherlock's hand as he stood up.

Jim watched them walk to the water, laughing. Part of him wanted to go with them, but...it wasn’t that easy. He observed them for a while, swimming, and, after about two minutes, hugging and kissing. They looked happy, and, smiling, Jim lay down again and closed his eyes. It was good to see them happy. 

He didn’t fall asleep, he just relaxed for a while, but he’d needed it. He opened his eyes when he heard them coming back. Slowly, he sat up, and couldn’t help a smile. John was dripping wet, his shorts holding all of the water and he had to hold them up as they were still too big for him as it was. Sherlock’s shorts fitted him perfectly, like every piece of clothing he owned. Both of them were laughing.

"You're cute." Sherlock said, wrapping an arm around John’s shoulders.

"Am not." John whined, pouting, though he leaned into Sherlock.

"We can ask Jim if you want. I'm sure he'd agree", he teased.

John blushed brightly. "Shuddup." He whined, kissing Sherlock's cheek.

"Make me", he replied

John stopped them walking and raised his eyebrows in challenge. "Maybe I will."

"Oh, really?" Sherlock replied. "You'll have to catch me first." he replied, starting to run towards Jim.

John broke into a grin and ran after him, about a foot behind him with the head start. "I will!"

 

They were idiots, but for some reason seeing them made Jim smile. John was surprisingly fast, and Sherlock clearly wasn't used to run on sand. He was almost halfway when John reached him

John caught Sherlock around the waist, picking him up. He carefully carried Sherlock over his shoulder, mindful of his bruises. "Told you."

"Hey! What are you doing?",Sherlock asked, laughing

"Carrying you." John rolled his eyes, as if it were obvious. "And when I put you down I'm going to kiss you."

"John!" Sherlock protested

"Yes?" John laughed Then he looked at Jim and winked.

"Put me down!"

"Nope!" John sang.

"John!" he repeated.

 

Jim observed silently. It was good to see them happy. And then he noticed Sherlock's phone besides him, and he took a picture, knowing that Sherlock would like to remember this moment.

 

"Yes, darling?" John asked sweetly, stifling his laughter.

"Put me down! Please!" Sherlock repeated.  
"But why would I do that?" John asked, feigning innocence.

"You said something about a kiss?" Jim suggested, trying to sound helpful.

John grinned. "That I did." he chuckled, pulling Sherlock close to kiss him.

 

Jim smiled, lay down and closed his eyes again, to give them some privacy. Not that they needed it, at this point, but it felt like the right thing to do. About a minute later, he opened his eyes, startled, when John draped himself across Jim. "Well hello there."

"Hey! You're wet!" Jim complained, laughing. The only reaction that caused was Sherlock lying down close to them.

"Sherlock!"

John giggled quietly. "Oh look, you're wet too now!"

"John said that if we get your shirt wet and then we asked nicely, you'd take it off." Sherlock said innocently. 

"W....what?", Jim said, blushing at the memory of the bathtub. 

"I did not! That was your suggestion." John gasped dramatically.

"Jim? Please?"

Jim hesitated. They looked so happy, and there was nobody else around. "Alright."

Jim had got used of Sherlock touching him, and of sleeping skin against skin. But he always turned the lights off. There were no lights here. Slowly, he took of the t-shirt, feeling exposed.

John gently kissed Jim's bare shoulder, silent, and looked at his body. Sherlock didn't even look, and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

"Happy now?" Jim said nervously

"Extremely." John smiled warmly.

Sherlock nodded. "Idiot. Look at me."

Jim looked. His chest was covered in bruises, and his arms in scars. The drawings of his arms were blurry because of the water. And he was beautiful. "You're perfect.", he said softly

"So are you."

Jim stared at him, speechless. Because Sherlock meant that, he wasn’t lying. 

He smiled at them both, shaking his head. “Well, now that we all are dressed to be here….we have a game to play.”


End file.
